How To Stop Fear Of Intimacy And Let Love Back In | Friday Q&A: PTSD TV

Hey everyone, welcome to PTSD TV. Today is Friday, it is our Q&A, and today we are talking about how to stop fear of intimacy and let love back in. So this is going to be a great episode. We had a great question and another big question. So this is the question that we're doing today, and this episode of PTSD TV is sponsored by Broken to Unbreakable, which is my PTSD and CPTSD recovery program. So for those of you who don't know me, my name is Kayleen. I'm a PTSD and CPTSD recovery coach. Hi, I'm Kayleen. I had CPTSD for over 15 years on my own, and now I no longer do. And now I get to help people all around the world recover from their own PTSD and CPTSD. And this lovely man to my right here is Brad Schipke.

I am her significant other and very excited to talk about this question today because I feel like, um, in both of our lives we've kind of had a little rough patches, you know, where we've had fear and Whatever. I don't think we said the question yet, but I'm really excited to dive on in.

It is a great, great episode.

It's a super— yeah, it's a super good one.

Yeah, it's a, it's a really common one. It's a really common thing to feel, PTSD or not. Um, so it is gonna be really great, really eye-opening, and we're gonna cover some topics that we covered in last week's Q&A as well. And of course, today we also have with us Winston and Hugo. If you are watching on YouTube, you can see the stuffed animals in front of us. They are Warmkins. They are therapeutic stuffed stuffed animals. They give big warm hugs. They're little like weighted blankets for kids. They're great. And you can learn more about them in the description below. And then also, I think before we start, something I just, I just want to say quick is, you know, if you're new to us, you're gonna love, I think, what we have to say here. And definitely keep checking out the episodes. And, you know, if you've been showing up for a while and you haven't, you know, liked or subscribed or shared or rated us, you know, definitely rate us because It helps us reach so many more people, and the more we do research on it, the more it is like the thing that helps us reach more people. So definitely give us a little rate. You don't have to even say anything, just, uh, just hit those stars. I just want to say that before we dove in here today.

Yeah.

All right, so today we're talking about how to stop fear of intimacy and let love in. So I'm going to read the question, and the question is from someone, um, a longer question, but I'll read the The main parts, right?

So the chunk, the junk.

So I've been having trouble with trusting even the best guys, fearing that they will leave. I know a sweet guy who I have feelings for and desperately don't want to hurt, but I can tell that a cement wall with a moat full of alligators has already gone up around my heart. How do I stop myself from feeling fear of intimacy after all of this so that I can let love back into my heart? So what a great question.

First of all, what a great analogy. cement wall with a moat filled with alligators. I mean, I've kind of felt that, you know, like when you— like, it's like when you're in— when you have PTSD and in a relationship, like, even if you don't— if you didn't go through like relationship problems, like, you yourself have these huge walls up, right?

Right.

That's what kind of happened with me, was that like I just built all these walls and like I isolated from people. So I felt like I was just kind of disconnected from Kayleen and didn't know how to proceed, you know, didn't know how to, um, get past those fears, you know, those fears that stopped us from being intimate, intimate, and then ultimately being happy and letting that love into— back into my heart. And like, that's it. It's, it's a huge thing.

Yeah, and a great analogy and a great way to put it. And a lot of things, I think people, especially when you're young, I think in, in all regards, but especially when you're young and it's kind of maybe you're like for some of you, like, a, like, a first relationship with PTSD, right? So like, maybe you don't really know still how to trust. You don't really know how to love, how to receive love. Like, that was definitely like, for me, it was like, it was all like, I was like totally in the dark with you, and it was just like, I don't know how to do any of this, and I don't know what's right and wrong, and like, this all feels really stressful. Yeah, yeah.

So like, if you're, if you, if you're a younger person, you haven't ever ever been with somebody, it's like it's that added stress on top of it. So it makes it, it makes it seem that much harder. But we're gonna kind of dig in here and give you some personal experiences and personal advice along with some, um, I was gonna say tactical, but like things that you can take action on to, um, you know, move past this fear.

Yeah, so the first thing we're going to talk about again, right, is references. So references, references, references. So references is something that we talk about. So references of good relationships, references of relationships that go well, right? So part of the question that I didn't read was like, you know, I've had kind of some relationships that I've been really, really hurt by. And so those are all negative references for successful relationships. And when we're talking about finding references, you have to, you know, go out of your way, look for them. Whether it's, you know, Brad and I's relationship, that's a great reference, right?

Mm-hmm.

Or other references in your personal life or even in your own life, you know, when a moment goes right, when you do kind of maybe get a little close to someone and, you know, it's like, oh, nothing really went wrong. That's a great reference.

Mm-hmm.

So you have to go out of your way again to make those good references, to see those good references, because the negative ones weigh, you know, 7 times heavier, right? We know that, right? That negative is 7 times heavier than the positive. So for every moment that you get hurt, you're gonna need like 7 good references to even level out. So to make yourself like comfortable in something like this, you have to pile on the references and keep your eyes open for them. And this is something we actively do in our life for—

Yeah.

I just like joked. We actively do this in our life for all sorts of things. So, you know, one of the things we do it for right now, because we're not parents yet, one of the things we do it for is like, okay, what are great references of great parents and we look out for them, right? Whether they're in our own life or just maybe like on TV, we see, you know, parents do something with their child, whether it's like a reprimand or like a hug, whatever it is, and we're like, oh, that's a great reference. You know, this thing happened, right? This kid fell off the playground and this is what the parent did, and like that went really well. Like that's something we want to like log in and like see that we can— like that's what we'll—

Yeah.

Like building our kind of Well, we're building our references of good parents, and we know this couple locally that are good friends of ours, and they have what we would consider probably the most ideal relationship that we've ever seen. They are—

Yeah.

The best reference for us. And being around them, it's just— they are people that are like just loving, and like you can just feel it radiate off them. And they're really unique people. There's not a ton of people in the world I feel like even like this.

Yeah, yeah.

You get around them and you just feel like yourself and you just feel like at home.

Accepted, loved.

Yeah, loved, accepted for whoever that you are, right? And so all of those moments where like we could be like, oh, that was a fun party, instead we're like, these people are so amazing and they make us feel so good. How do they do that, right? How do they think about like, yeah, what were the moments where we felt really really good. And we pick out those references of good things and how they made us feel good, and we look at their relationship and say, okay, like, when we talk to them, this is how they interact separately, this is how they interact together. And like, that's what we want. We want this ideal relationship. And it's so— it's really all about picking out the references, right?

Right. And like, like Kayleen said before, negative experiences are like 7 times stronger, but also our brains are wired to be attracted to the negative situations too. So like when you get a negative reference or you see a negative reference, you tend to just automatically, right, focus on that and then dwell on that and then repeat it in your head and it makes it stronger and stronger and stronger in your head. So you have to go out of your way, you have to keep your eyes open and really look for those good references. 'Cause I'm sure like everybody, like good things happen to you every single day. Every day. Right? You might have a good reference and just completely ignore it and be like, oh, but, but, right, but it's gonna be bad soon, right? You know, like, oh, oh, he did this good thing for me, or Kayleen did this good thing for me, but— or like, we were calm today, but, but, but it'll go wrong, but it will go wrong, so this good moment does not matter. I've been there, right? Plenty of times, right? Like, you just ignore the good and just focus on the bad. So you need to shift that around and start focusing on the good. Be like, oh, this is a good reference, right? This is a great reference for me. Oh, something good Did happen, right? And take notice of that because so many times you just ignore the good right in front of your face, literally right in front of your face when something happens to you in your life. And then also looking at it in other people's lives as well. And you want to take the time to swim in it, right? Yeah, you want to take the time to like swim in it, reflect on it. Like we talk about it, right? After we see these good references, we talk about the reference, how to actually apply what we saw to our lives. And really, like, because like, like I said before, you see this negative reference, you get this negative reference, and you swim in that just kind of automatically, right? You dwell on it, you repeat the stories in your head, you like visualize it essentially over and over and over and over and over again. And you tell yourself how like messed up everything is and you're messed up, your life is. So like you're just strengthening those negative references. So you got to take that same skill that you already have and apply it to the good things and start swimming in the good references. You need to start repeating those in your head and be like, oh, that was awesome. Oh, people aren't all bad, right?

Right.

And that's huge.

And that's—

and we do this all the time. We do this all the time. We're like, oh, that was a great reference.

We literally say that.

We say that. Yeah. So it's something that we actually do and it actually helps us and it helps you shift to focusing on the good and start, you know, like breaking down that fear, start like building that trust and start letting that love back into your life and into your heart and repairing everything that was kind of broken.

Yeah. And that, that is the ultimate thing, right? And then that, I think, ties nicely into the communication aspect, which is our second point here. And how to do that is to communicate, right? Communication in any sort of relationship, whether it's, you know, even if this person is still a stranger, right? And, you know, you have to communicate and be like, hey, I kind of like you. Like, do you want to go out? Right? That's communication, right? And they'll be like, oh. Great. Yeah. Okay. And then you can go from there, right? But something that we did young in our relationship, because we were both really nervous in our relationship, obviously, is we would communicate. Like, so something that I'd be like, hey, like, I'm, I'm nervous about this. You know, this doesn't make me super comfortable, and I, I'm gonna need a little bit of time on this. And then Brad could be like, oh, okay. So like, you know, like So something that, like, we waited, I guess, a little bit, like, was to say the word love, right? So I don't know how many couples, like, wait for that. I think as you get older, you don't, it's not, you don't wait as much, right? But we waited, like, a couple of months to say that.

Yeah.

And so that's something that we talked about. And I was like, hey, like, that's gonna make me, like, kind of run away. Like, I'm not really comfortable with you saying that right out the gate. If you could just maybe just give me some time. And he felt the same. And I didn't know he felt the same until we communicated. And he was like, hey, like, don't worry about it. I really like you. I don't wanna— like, we don't wanna mess this up, right? So we kind of like waited for a long time to say it, a couple of months, and that was really good communication right there. And so then we could like— it was like a weight off of our chest, right? So we could just go on and be like, okay, like, you know, we're both on the same page. And then if I start to get weird, Brad can just be like, hey, like, are you all right? You know?

And don't worry.

So like, just communicating, right? Yeah. So like, he doesn't have to freak out If I, you know, if I maybe like don't answer my phone or if I don't show up somewhere, he's like, oh well, you know, she said like she was nervous. And so like, I didn't mean to scare her away, but it's probably not something that I did, right? So the more you communicate, the better, really, just in general.

That's what it comes down to.

Even if it is a young relationship, it doesn't, doesn't matter if it's 50 years old or 5 days old.

Yeah, you want to like communicate your concerns, right? How you're feeling, your emotions. and your fears. You know, I have a fear of this because like if you're afraid of opening up to somebody, like, or being intimate, whatever, and you don't tell the person, they're gonna think that like— they could think, you know, that there's— you're standoffish or whatever. We don't have to go into that, but it is, it is a seed for conflict, right?

Mm-hmm.

So like that can all be avoided with just being like, hey, you know, like I have this little fear about doing this and this is how I kind of want to proceed. Also, I'm working on it, right? I'm effectively working on this, on things to make things better. So this isn't how it's going to be forever, you know? Like, I'm taking steps, and here are the steps that I'm taking to improve what I'm feeling. And I do see a life without this, right?

Right.

So like, this is what I'm feeling, right? I'm working on things. I'm working on making this better, and this isn't what it's gonna be like forever.

Right, right.

Then there's no complaints, then there's no conflict, there's nothing. Be like, okay, okay, that's normal. Like, you're facing a problem in your life, right? And you're working on it, and you like have a vision for like it never being there again, right? Like, that's completely reasonable.

And it doesn't even have to be this like big conversation, right? No, you can be young in the relationship and just be like, hey, listen, like, I'm gonna be honest with you, I'm nervous about our whole relationship because I've been hurt in the past. And that can be The entire conversation. And I, you know, just like, I've been hurt, and like someone's gonna understand and be like, okay, like, okay, you've been hurt. Like, you don't have to dive into everything, but that's, that's a good start. And communication is key to a successful relationship.

So yeah. And that's a great point too, because you, you might think that you have to like have this like big sit-down conversation and you build it up to be like this big thing in your head, right? Like, you think it has to be like this huge thing that like a lot of people do this. Yeah. You know, um, but just be like, hey, this is how I'm feeling, blah, blah, blah, whatever. Yeah. And literally just do it.

Like, really simple. Like, you can do it in 3 sentences.

Because this, this, this ties in perfectly to our 3rd point. So we talked about references. 2nd one we talked about is communication. The 3rd thing we're talking about is taking little leaps of faith, right? And you're gonna have to take those little leaps of faith to communicate. Right, and take action when you feel that fear. So you feel it and you face it and you do it. So you feel that little like uncomfortable feeling, like, oh, I want to tell this person this, that I was hurt in the past, and then like whatever, do it right then. Don't wait. Yeah, because the fear intensifies. Fear— here's a huge lesson. This is one of the biggest lessons that I ever learned in my life, is that fear feeds on time, right? That's its favorite food.

Yeah, it does.

Like When you feel that fear and you wait and you wait and you wait, it just builds and builds and builds and builds until it gets overwhelming. So when you feel it, you feel that little like trickle, you just go.

I got to do it. Yeah. Yeah. It's, it's, it's challenging and it's a habit to get into for sure. But the more you start to like, what happens? Like, hey, like, okay, we're sitting in the car with this person and, you know, I'm going to tell them this thing, right? Just say it.

Just do it. Yeah.

Don't, don't overthink it.

No, that's the worst.

Overplan it. You know, just do it.

Just do it.

Just live your life.

You're going to like, you're going to say, you're going to say some wrong things once in a while. You're going to do some things once in a while. But this is the best way to build confidence, hope, belief in yourself, everything, just by taking action.

Good references.

And building those good positive references.

Yeah.

Like, there's no downside to facing your fears.

Yeah.

Little by little. And we're not saying like you have to do these big things, but like little by little, when you feel this, feel this little bit of fear, like do it. That's an indicator to act, to go, to go ahead, build that confidence, to build that love in yourself and build that like, oh, I can do this feeling inside of you instead of like everything's ruined. Like, oh, I have power. Oh, I have control. Oh, I can like actually shape my life.

Yeah, and it's an amazing thing. It's an absolute— it happens so quick, so simple, and it's so amazing. And it's like, it's so scary at first, and then like you, you're like, whoa, that was awesome.

That was a rush.

That felt honestly so good to get off my chest. Yeah, so awesome, awesome stuff. And we talked a lot more about little leaps in the Q&A we did last Friday. I think it was last Friday. about trust. We talked a lot about trust and how to learn to trust and stuff like that. And so that has a very similar theme, and you're gonna see these themes come up time and time again. And again, Brad and I talk about references, whether it's parenting or relationships or, you know, I don't know, physique, business, everything.

Yeah.

And so it really does apply to a lot of different things. But that is a great episode, which we'll link below to definitely check out again, because the, the trust and the intimacy You know, they, they go hand in hand, and the, the fear and the trust and the intimacy, they're all kind of along the same wavelength. So that's a great episode to check out, so we'll link that below.

Yeah, and I think that that ties in perfectly to our action. And like, that was our action. Like, this— the core of this thing is the trust, right? And the core of the trust issues is PTSD, right? So like, if you want to solve all these things, like, all these things are kind of like Like we're telling you to build references, you know, communicate more and take little leaps of faith. Those are awesome. But you also need to be working on healing the core of everything, right?

Right.

Healing those— like, where does that— where does— where does the trust issues tie into? What's that core? That core event that hurt you that, you know, is causing all these like crazy things to happen in your life, all these like painful things that happen. What is that core? And you need to work on healing that core because at the end of the day, it's your responsibility to heal that. It's your responsibility to fix your fear, to fix your trust issues, and to let your love in, right? It's your life. You know, it's you, it's you at the end of the day. You, you, only you have control to fix this, to face your fears, to communicate, and to, you know, make the conscious choice to look for and keep your eyes open for those positive references. So, um, I think that's, that's, that's it. You got to heal that core.

The core is the most important part, and I talk about it a lot, and you're gonna hear us talk about it a lot because it really is the most important part. And a lot of people, you know, I get a lot of questions, a lot of emails about, you know, like, hey, my relationship is falling apart. Hey, my career is falling apart. Hey, you know, my physical life is falling apart.

You know, I'm addicted.

I have addictions, like all these things, my friendships. Everything, right? And so, you know, really that always, always, always, always ties back to your PTSD. That is literally at the core of everything. Yeah.

And you're having trust issues because of— you're addicted to drinking, as we both have, because of PTSD. You're having these relationship issues because of PTSD. You're overweight because you have PTSD. Yeah, literally, literally all those things. And most of the time we're trying to fix each individual one, but we never try to fix the core.

Yeah, and it's something we both made that mistake too on our, on our journey. It was like, okay, like if I put energy into trying to fix my relationship, it just seems like all these other areas go downhill, right? Or if I put energy trying to fix my career, everything else falls apart, right? And so that's why it seems like you have this like limited energy, because at the core something's really hurt and really broken, right? And really needs healing and really needs fixing.

Because you try to take a little— you take a few steps forward, then you just get crushed right back down. Right, because you're not solving the core, right?

And so that is something that I talk about in the recovery training which I'm running right now. In— there's a nice diagram in there. So I mean, you should definitely check out the training as a whole, but watch out for that diagram. Well, you'll see, you'll see all those areas that I get questions time and time again about, and then you'll see how it all draws back and relates back to that core, that core piece that is you, right? That is that PTSD, and that should be the ultimate goal and the ultimate responsibility, right? So that is the thing to check out for sure, right?

Right. Like, if you want to stop— actually, if you want to stop that fear of intimacy and you, you want to let that love in and you want to lose weight— literally, it comes down to losing weight to like heal those addictions, to heal those flashbacks, those nightmares, everything. Like, because all those things are linked to this core thing, and you want to learn how Kayleen has done it and also how she has been able to make miraculous, literally like, like people, like miraculous changes in other people, teaching other people how to make the same changes that she made in literally weeks. Literally weeks. Like, it doesn't have to take a lifetime to fix these things. It can literally happen in weeks. People have ended their, you know, nightmares, flashbacks. They've gotten jobs back when they, they've been like unemployed for years, you know, in literally, in literally weeks. Because once you know the right process to heal that core, Mm-hmm. Everything gets better. So if you want to learn that process, click that link in the description below. That'll take you to, um, the free training that Kayleen's running, and it will honestly like just rock your world and change your entire life.

It will rock your world.

Your belief in everything. And like, if you're feeling hopeless, like you're spiraling down out of control, watch it. It'll stop. It'll stop that, and you can recover so much faster than, than Than you think, you know.

It is. It's a lot of work. I share a lot of stories in it as well, and you'll, you'll see the people that have— yeah, have just like— it's com— it's, it's amazing. It's— yeah, we'll stop there, but it is, it is amazing.

Well, if you're tired of people telling you it's impossible, like, there are coaches, there are therapists, there are doctors. All these people, all these so-called professionals will tell you that it's impossible to live a life without PTSD, and that's just like the biggest and most harmful myth. And belief that people have, and that's actually spread about in the mental health industry. Like if you are like believing that and you have you're having a hard time overcome that negative belief because that if you don't overcome that belief, you like straight up just won't recover because you're just gonna self sabotage the whole way, right? So you'll never believe that this is possible. So you'll never take the right action. You'll never do the right things. You'll never put in the necessary work. Because why would you complete an impossible task that you believe is impossible? So like, that's like the really the biggest kind of takeaway from the training, and it'll change your life. So like, go click that link like right now. We're coming to the end of this episode, and I think we'll do like a quick recap. But click that link right now, schedule a time to see, and it will change your life because it's changed the lives. You'll see the stories that Kaylee of people that Kaylee's touched and been able to change in the webinar.

Very often it is like the turning point for people. So definitely pay attention, definitely make some time for it. And I like it— like, you're talking about like a turning point. Like, especially if you're feeling like rock bottom, this will be the turning point, and this will be the thing that gets you going up and up and up. So it is, it is really that important.

And it doesn't matter if you've been in there for— if you've been in that rock bottom for years, decades, or I was gonna say centuries, but like decades and decades and decades. literally like 50, 60, 70 years, because you can dig yourself out. And it doesn't matter how old you are, how young you are, how long you've suffered, like, you still have— you still have life. Like, you're still alive, and we want to help you live the rest of your existence on this planet happy, right? And you can do that in such a short period of time.

But, um, because you deserve it.

Because you deserve it. You really do. And, um, that's why we do everything that we do, is to help you get back that life on Or, you know, find it for the first time. But, um, let's do a quick recap here about what we talked about today, if you're ready to move forward.

Sure, yeah, we can move on.

Um, so today we talked about how to stop your fear of intimacy and really start letting that love back in. And that's something that Kayleen and I really, you know, suffered ourselves. And we talked about number 1, building those references, looking and keeping your eyes open for those positive references. Um, 2, communicating You know, how you feel, your fear, how you're gonna overcome them. And then taking those little leaps of faith to face those fears and face that fear. Face that fear immediately.

Remember, fear feeds on time. Yeah, so those are really important. And review the trust episode.

Yes, yes.

'Cause that, we go even further in depth into those issues and it's a great episode. And again, intimacy and trust and all those things kind of tie hand in hand. So that's a great episode to get a little bit more in depth. A little bit of a different energy, a little bit of a different perspective.

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah. And that is all that I have for today. Definitely make time for the webinar. I hope to see you there. And that's all I have.

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There it is.

We'll wave bye with Hugo and Winston, our therapeutic stuffed animals.

And we hope you guys have an awesome day today, that you're motivated, that you're happy, that you're moving forward, you're recovering. And a great weekend, and a great weekend.

Happy Friday.

See you soon on Monday.

Okay, bye bye.

Bye bye.