Things Partners of People with PTSD Must Know

whether or not like our relationship was even something that we wanted to move forward with because it was so hard, so challenging, and we didn't know if it was possible.

Hey everyone, Kayleen here, and welcome to PTSD TV. Today's episode is called Things Partners of People with PTSD Must Know. This is our 5th take trying to record the intro, and this episode of PTSD TV is sponsored by Broken to Unbreakable, which is my PTSD and CPTSD recovery program. And sometimes saying PTSD and partners and people and all these things with Ps is quite a tongue twister. So my name is Kayleen. I'm a PTSD recovery coach.

This lovely man to my left here is Brad Schipke, and I'm excited that we made it through on this 6th take here. Um, today we're talking about things partners with PTSD must know about.

Well, challenging.

It is very challenging, but this is going to be a series that we do week after week. with a bunch of different tips for all of you people who are in a relationship, um, either with someone with PTSD or you have PTSD yourself, and this might help you communicate certain things to your partner. Because this was a huge, huge sticking point for us, um, in our relationship, just PTSD and not even knowing whether or not it's possible, all these different things. So this is the first episode of this little kind of mini-series here, and I hope you guys enjoy it.

Yeah, we're gonna do a lot, a lot of different topics as we talk about partners because Relationships are very dynamic, and of course, once you add the element of a second being being involved, it— everything gets twice as challenging. So, uh, it's, it's something we're really passionate about because, like Brad said, this was kind of a sticking point. It was challenging for us in our own relationship, and we know that a good percentage of our listeners also are, are coming from— either are in PTSD relationships or are here listening because their part— they think their partner has PTSD or their partner does have PTSD. So we want to just make sure we reach those people with these messages. So if you know anyone who, you know, they have a partner with PTSD, or if your partner, uh, you know, doesn't quite understand you at the level that you maybe want them to, this series is going to be a really good thing maybe to listen to together, to watch together, but to involve them in. So today we're talking about just, you know, telling partners it is possible to heal PTSD.

Which is the first and most important thing. when it comes to any relationship, and I want to say too that this kind of applies to any relationship that you're in, whether it's like a mother-daughter or boyfriend-girlfriend, husband-wife type of deal, anything across the board, even if it's just friend to friend, knowing that it's possible is the first thing and the most important thing because without that kind of foundational belief, it's very, very difficult. Then it's like everything's kind of just mixed in with uncertainty and whether Whether or not it's even possible to move out of— get out of this pain into a place where you feel like yourself again, or your friend feels like themselves again. So the first thing is knowing that it is 100%, 1,000% possible to get out of this spot of pain to a point where you feel normal again, where you feel comfortable, where you feel safe, where you feel calm, where you can actually do what you want to do in your life and not feel held back by all the pain and all the emotions. And that is the most important thing because when we didn't have that, basically it's like you're building a relationship on this foundation of uncertainty. So one day it could be okay or great or whatever, and the next day it could be maybe screaming or arguing or whatever. And it's kind of like this bit, everything just kind of swings back and forth where one day it might seem really good and the other day seems really, really bad. And without the foundation of it is possible to move past this to have a better future. That uncertainty can kind of make or break a relationship. So when it's good, you're like, OK, it's good. But when it's bad, you're like, why am I in this relationship? Why am I even trying? Why am I doing this? And those were questions I asked myself when things got bad with us. And I know Kayleen asked herself that too and asked me that. And we had conversations about this too, whether or not our relationship was even something that we wanted to move forward with because it was so hard, so challenging, and we didn't know if it was possible to heal. So once we kind of developed this foundation, like, we've— we committed to recovery, but we also built that belief that it is 100% possible to heal. That kind of wavering commitment, I guess, in the relationship went away. It's kind of like, we're here, we're here through thick and thin, and we're going to make it better. And we're going to take step by step by step to get to our ultimate goal, no matter what it takes. And once you take all the other options off the table and you just commit and you know and you believe, hey, if I work at this, if I put everything into this, I'm going to heal. I'm guaranteed to heal. If you put everything you have into this and you work at this and you chip away at it every single day— it doesn't have to be every single day, but if you chip away at it consistently over a long enough period of time, You will heal. So it is 100% possible. Once you can cultivate that belief, things get a lot more stable even when they're unstable, if that makes sense. So even when there's fights and stuff, you have that core of like, okay, it does get better. You know, like we are taking steps forward. It's not a perfect process, but we're taking those little steps and it is going to get us to a place where we're calm and peaceful and, you know, everything's okay.

Yeah. And I think that kind of sums that up in that regard of just like a foundation of, okay, there, there is kind of hope, right? There's a light at the end of the tunnel, and that's a really important piece, especially in a relationship, just in general, but especially in a relationship. And, you know, Brad was talking about, you know, if you work for a consistent amount of time and you work on it either every day or you work on it really often— and honestly, it should be an everyday thing that you're working on, especially if you're really, really struggling, because it's the most important thing in your life, because everything hinges on, on that. You know, if you can't hold a job, if you don't have a healthy relationship, if you you know, don't have a healthy relationship with yourself, if you're not physically active because you have a hard time getting yourself out of bed, if you're not active in your community, or like all those things hinge on PTSD.

Yeah.

And, you know, it is possible to heal PTSD. And this is a belief that really just shattered for the world, I think, pretty recently, just 'cause, I mean, 10, 15 years ago, I mean, even now today you see people saying the opposite, but 10, 15 years ago it was a, well, I don't know, go to therapy for the rest of your life and you're gonna have to deal with it. But you know we're seeing more and more that that's not the case now, and so what I want to share with you is is what I call the magic formula to healing. And if you saw my mini series just recently, I did a mini series about how to heal from home, and I did a kind of cutesy little demonstration with a hammer and a paper clip, and I'll just kind of describe it here on audio. But the magic formula for healing PTSD, for healing PTSD, for healing CPTSD, is deliberate. Consistent action with the right tools. So deliberate action, consistent action with the right tools. So what does that mean? You know, some people really, they try, they're deliberate, they're consistent, and they work for decades but they still don't heal. And that's because they have the wrong tools. So you need all 3 of these really kind of these special things to have this magic formula as I'm calling it. And we use the example of a hammer and a paperclip. So if you wanna hammer in a nail, you know, and you use a paperclip, you can work for decades, you can be super consistent, you can work, you can be super focused, and you can be trying to hammer in that nail with a paperclip, and you can work for your entire life and never even make it budge, because you're using the wrong tool. Now you're deliberate and you're consistent, but you're using the wrong tool. Now if you're using a hammer, That's gonna happen very quickly if you're deliberate, consistent, and you're using a hammer. If you've ever hammered in a nail, you know, if you hit it right on the head and you hit it a few times in a row, that nail will hammer in with a hammer. And, you know, it's, it's a really kind of simple example of making sure you have all those 3 things. If you're missing one of those elements, that true healing won't happen. And that's why people get so stuck and feel so hopeless, because, you know, they're, they're— maybe they're using the right tools, but they're not consistent. And so, you know, once a month they go and they use the right tools, and maybe they are deliberate and they're really focused and they, they work on it once a month. But if you're not consistent, you know, that, that hammer, that nail, so to speak, is either going to take literally forever to hammer in, or you might not get there at all. And it's, it's so important that you have all these 3 elements, and it really does kind of sum up to this. But specifically with partners, to know that if, if your partner has these 3 elements, if you with PTSD or whoever is struggling with their past affecting their present, if you have these elements, you will heal. If you're deliberate, you're consistent, and you have the right tools, that is the magic formula, and you will heal, and you will be able to get there. And it absolutely 1,000% is possible. And it's not a, uh, gentle journey, right? It's a, it's a very dynamic journey. There's, there's good days, there's bad days, there's All sorts of in-between days.

Dynamic is a nice way to say it.

That's a—

it is very dynamic at times. It is extremely dynamic. Another thing to keep in mind when talking about this is that it is a team journey, especially if you're talking about like a romantic relationship or, you know, where you're living with the same person. Like, it's a team journey. Like, it's not completely one-sided. Like, both parties will need to do inner work. Both parties are going to need to do the deliberate, consistent action and use the right tools to heal and to recover, um, because it takes a toll on both sides. So like, if, if you're in a relationship with somebody who has PTSD, you know how much, how much pain that causes you to see someone you love in pain. And like, that hurts a lot, a lot to, a lot to see that and, and to go through that yourself. And a lot of times it's hard to get yourself to accept that as the partner when you see your partner in so much pain. You're like, oh, I can't complain because look at everything they're going through. But it's important to take take action on your own healing and and really take care of yourself so you can take care of the other person as well. But you're always the first one that needs needs the attention because if you're if you're not here, if you're not good, you can't support the other person. And that's exactly what happened with us is like you know we really didn't take care of ourselves and then we both kind of Like both of us went down the tubes and we couldn't be there for each other. We ended up kind of taking a break for quite a few months and then coming back together. And that's not— that doesn't have to happen if you're both focusing on your own healing and your own journey. But it is a team journey through this. I think another thing I want to say is that there is no way that We could have made it if we weren't both committed to taking this action to healing ourselves, right? So throughout Kayleen's journey, she was constantly like reassuring me, you know that hey, I'm doing everything I can. I'm committed. I'm gonna make this happen. I'm I'm gonna heal and everything's gonna be okay. And then I was doing the same thing for her, you know be like I'm gonna do everything to make myself the best I can be. And you know I'm here for you. And you you said you were here for me. And like we we were just constantly like. Just reinforcing this belief that it is possible, right? And that we're committed to this future. Because if one person's committed and the other person isn't, that's going to be a very, very difficult thing to move forward with. If one person isn't willing to put in the work, isn't willing to take the deliberate, consistent action over the long periods of time to do the hard work, to do the dirty work inside, then it's going to be very challenging as the other party to go through in that relationship. And I think the best thing you can do if you're in a situation like that is give them this podcast. Give them other information, other resources, Is to help them believe that it is possible because it is hard to— it's hard when you've had PTSD for, you know, years, decades, decades and decades, sometimes like 50 years, you know, to shift that belief, something that you've had for so long. It can be very challenging to shift that, but it is possible to do that. And I think a good way to do that and kind of get your foot in the door is maybe share something like this with them. Yeah, to open the door.

And I think that's you know, when, when Brad's talking about, you know, you need to take care of yourself, you as person with PTSD, you need to make sure you're doing everything that you can to heal. And then you as partner, PTSD or not, you need to make sure that you're taking care of yourself at the highest level. So there, there's— we call it healing on both sides. But even if you don't have PTSD, it's really important that you're doing the things that you need to do to stay mentally strong and, and to exercise and take care of yourself and take breaks and, and, um, fill yourself with positivity. And then one more thing I wanted to say, you know, Brad was talking about— we were both fully committed to the journey, and that's really, really important. But when we were at our rock bottom and we were saying, hey, I'm doing everything I possibly can and I'm, I'm working towards this goal and I'm, I'm gonna get there, you know, we, we were doing everything that we could and we were doing everything in our power, and we were always learning and reaching and trying to grow and and learning new things and implementing new things and trying new things. But I think it's just kind of important to mention, at least like for me at rock bottom, and I think for Brad as well, you know, we were committed to the journey, we were committed to our relationship, but we didn't know for sure. We weren't 100% sure that it actually could be done. And I think that's an important piece to share. Like when we were at rock bottom and I was saying, okay, you know, and I was kind of making that choice to like, okay, I'm gonna fully heal from this. When I was saying that, I had no idea how to get there. I did not know if I actually could get there, but I was committing to that goal and to attempting to achieve that goal and not giving up until I did. Again, not knowing if it was even possible, but it is possible. And so it's important that even if you're not 1,000% sure that like, okay, yes, it is possible, that you are striving towards that goal because It is possible. It is possible for you, but you don't have to take my word for it. But you, you do have to commit to the journey and commit to achieving that goal, and at the very least striving for that goal. So Brad and I were committed to our relationship, but we were also committed to at the very least, uh, seeing how it panned out and, and putting absolutely everything we had into achieving that goal to see if it was even possible or not.

Yeah. So start finding all the reasons why it is possible and ignore all the reasons, all the things you're telling yourself, all the things you're hearing that's telling you that it is impossible. Because if you have PTSD, if you have a partner with PTSD, I'm sure you have thoughts all the time of being like, you know, this is impossible. Is this, is this ever going to get better? Why are things so bad? And like, when you ask questions that are like that, you're going to get a really bad answer, right? You're going to get all these bad answers that support the belief that Recovery is impossible. So you need to start finding reasons and asking the right questions to to support that belief that it is is possible. And I think that's a really good point that you brought up was that it you're you're gonna have a certain level of doubt until you actually build this belief, and that's normal. And like you're not supposed to like just go overnight like oh it's from like if especially if you had this for like years or decades from like this is impossible to this is 100% possible. You know it's it's a It's a process to, to make that shift in your beliefs. Um, and know that it is okay to feel that uncertainty. And we all feel that uncertainty when we're making that kind of uncomfortable shift in our minds, but that shift is one of the most important things. Um, at the end of the day, because if you don't believe that recovery is possible, then, you know, why would you even try? You know?

Right.

You're going to take very little action and you're going to be really, really hopeless and you're going to like. In in our recovery programs, like one of the biggest things that like we give people is the belief that it is possible to heal, and like that belief alone just ignites this power inside of them, which then motivates them. Once you believe that it's possible, you like you open the story like oh my gosh, I like that I can do that, I can do that thing. And then once they once you open that door and you actually give them the paths and the tools to get to that point. Like, it's game over at that point, in a good way, because like they're going to achieve the goal. Yeah, people take off sometimes.

They just, they just run with it.

Hope, hope is a very, very powerful thing.

It definitely is. Yeah, so it is possible. So partners and people with PTSD, make sure to spread that message and start with that as the foundation. It is possible, and you need that deliberate, consistent action with the right tools in order to achieve that goal. And so right now I'm running a free training teaching some really foundational things for the recovery journey. So whether you're a partner or whether you're someone with PTSD, go and check out this training. I teach what I call the pillars of recovery, and it's basically how to get that deliberate, consistent action with the right tools. And I go more in depth on that and help you build the belief that it is possible. So if you want to check out that training, you can go to overcomingptsd.info/go. So you can go to overcomingptsd.info/go, or you can click the link in the description of this, and you can check out that training, register for a time to see it, and learn even more about this kind of foundational element and what it's going to take and what the journey kind of looks like in regards to, you know, what to expect and, and how to, to really move forward.

Yeah, yeah. And start finding reasons. Start finding all the reasons why it is possible. get rid of all the inputs that are telling you that it's impossible. Yeah, check out that training because that will help people who have done it.

Like, we've both done it. There are people out there, there are people out there that are not necessarily active and vocal that have fully recovered. There are people out there that are celebrities that have fully recovered or that are famous in, in certain rights. And so you, you want to look for the people that have done it and that have achieved it and, and stop looking at the people, stop taking advice from people at rock bottom. Stop looking at the people who have not achieved it yet. Look at the people who have achieved it and mimic those actions. That's the most powerful thing that you can do.

Yeah, absolutely.

So that's what we have for you. We will continue on with our things partners of people with PTSD must know, and we will see you for our next episode. And that's all I have for you. I love you. I believe in you at the highest level. We are here for you. We know that you can do this, whether you're a partner or the person with PTSD or CPTSD. I know that you can do this no matter what you've been through, how long you've suffered, even what you believe right now, what your circumstances are right now. I know that you can do this. I've seen people in all sorts of parts of the world with all different backgrounds and all different circumstances fully recover, and you can too. So I believe in you. I'm here for you. I truly do love you. I mean that when I say that. I really mean it from the bottom of my heart. So thank you for joining us here today. Feel free to share this with partners, and we'll continue on our— we'll call it maybe our partner marathon. as we continue on here, and we will see you in the next episode.

Sounds good. See you then.

Okay, bye-bye. Bye.