What's PTSD V.s. What's Human PTSD TV Friday Q&A

Hey everyone, welcome to PTSD. Today is our Friday Q&A, and today we're going to be answering a question I get a lot, which is, what's PTSD and what's human, and how do you differentiate the two?

Mm-hmm.

Now, today's episode of PTSD is sponsored by Broken to Unbreakable, which is my PTSD and CPTSD recovery program. So for those of you who don't know me, my name's Kayleen. I'm a PTSD and CPTSD recovery coach. I had CPTSD of my own for more than 15 years and now no longer do, which is why I I'm able to help coach people all around the world to make that same transformation. And this lovely man to my right here is Brad Schipke.

I am Kayleen's significant other, and I am super, super excited to be here today and to be talking about this topic because this was something that, you know, that we personally struggled with for a long time, recognizing, you know, what is PTSD and what am— what is like really me? Who am I? And this really marked a huge turning point, this one realization. in our relationship and just in our lives, in our own recovery journey. So this is gonna be a really, really awesome episode. I'm really excited to talk about it.

Definitely. Yeah. And, and again, welcome everyone. We're live here as well today. And like, like Brad said, this was a huge turning point in our relationship. So if you're in a relationship currently, definitely kind of listen up. And if you're, if you're here for a spouse, I know some people kind of listen to the podcast or, or show up to the lives and stuff. As a spouse who's supporting someone with PTSD, things like that. So this will all definitely apply to relationships and was a huge, huge thing in our own relationship.

Mm-hmm.

So we will dive right in here today. So the first thing, you know, we always want to tell people is, you know, PTSD is a normal reaction to an abnormal event. So it's, you know, you're not crazy. You're not— you're not like— you're just hurt. Really, that's all it is. So you're having a normal reaction to something that really, really, really hurt you. So good morning everyone, welcome. And you know, it's really important to recognize that PTSD is, is a normal reaction. But when you have PTSD, especially when you're in a relationship, there are moments that, you know, are definitely like your PTSD is at the wheel. Like it's, it's, it's really out to kind of play, so to speak. And then there are moments where like you're just Being a normal human being and you're just having normal human reactions. And so we're going to try to help you all. And this was again a huge point in our relationship, but help you all kind of differentiate those here today. So, you know, the first kind of question you want to ask yourself is, is this a normal human emotion? Now you're going to just, you're going to know, you're going to have an innate ability. And just if you reflect and you ask yourself, some amazing things can happen and, you know, get an answer out of yourself. So let's say you're upset with someone. You want to ask yourself, is this a normal human reaction? You know, am I allowed to be upset with someone? Can I be upset with someone? And, you know, more often than not, you're going to say, okay, like, yes, this is a normal human reaction. Someone hurt me and I'm upset with them, and that's totally okay. And, you know, then you want to kind of ask yourself, is this an overreaction? And that is a really important distinction. Like, you as a human are allowed to— you're allowed to feel frustrated with your spouse, you know, you're allowed to disagree, you're allowed to sometimes get hurt just as a normal human, PTSD or not. And, you know, but what we want to look out for really is, is this an overreaction? So is my anger at this person, you know, making me, you know, put my fist through a wall and swear at everyone and like be this kind of It definitely— when I was struggling, I felt like, like a monster, right?

Yeah.

And so like, I would get angry and I would just like through the roof angry, not, not a normal human level of anger, like a kind of obnoxious amount of anger. And so that is an overreaction. So I'm allowed to be miffed about things, you know, I'm allowed to get angry, I'm allowed to feel frustrated as a human. But when it goes to an overreaction, that's when it's okay. So you're really hurt. You're really hurt for a reason, and your PTSD is really at the wheel there. So that's really kind of the distinction we want to make.

Right, right. So you kind of want to think of all those times where you're kind of in just a normal situation, and then you just get— a good word is you just feel flooded. And you just feel like—

That's a great word.

Completely overwhelmed with those emotions. And you feel like you don't have control over those emotions. So when we say overreaction, we kind of mean when you're just overwhelmed with all these emotions that you can't even really explain. You don't know really— where they're coming from. And you think, you're like, am I crazy? Like, these are all the thoughts that I personally had. And I know Kayleen had thoughts like this too. Like, she would tell me that, like, hey, like, I feel like a monster. I feel like I'm crazy. I feel like I'm just like completely like going off the walls, off the rails and everything. And like, that is something that I want to really, um, distinguish for you guys is that, um, it's really, it's really different, or it's really important to know that, um, That— I lost my train of thought. Um, important that I have all these pens.

It's really important to know what is you and what is, is not you, right? So what is you at your core? And you at your core, again, you're allowed to feel angry. And as Brad is saying, when you feel flooded with emotion, when you feel like all of a sudden you go from 0 to like 100, You know, you want to be able to distinguish that because I always felt like a monster. I felt like I was not in control. And when you're not in control like that, something else is at the wheel. And so we use that expression a lot. That's kind of PTSD taking control of your life, and that's PTSD at the wheel there. And so you want to be able to separate. And this was really important in our relationship. So, you know, back when times were really, really dark for us, what was happening was we would get like upset, right? Or I would get upset. I would, I would be like way overreacting to something that he said, and it would, it would like trigger me or whatever, right? And I would get really mad, and I would like yell and, and, and throw ice cream sandwiches at him and just feel like this monster. And, and kind of know in my head, it was like I was watching myself do that, but I had no control over it.

Mm-hmm.

Right? And that like obviously is an overreaction, you know, raising your voice, throwing things. things like that, especially— I mean, especially always, but are an overreaction to things. So when you're really not feeling in control, that's, that's— I mean, that's a huge indicator. And for me, a lot, I felt like I was like— I knew, I knew it was wrong, right? I knew I shouldn't throw things at him. I knew that I shouldn't yell at him. I didn't want to yell at him. I loved him, right? I continue to love him. And— But I was still doing those things. And so You know, you want to ask yourself, is it normal? Like, am I allowed to feel frustrated? Yes. Am I allowed to scream and yell and throw things at him? Absolutely not, right? And so you want to start to distinguish what's you and what's your PTSD, and what's PTSD and what's human. And that is really important, especially in relationships. And when you can start to distinguish those, especially in a partnership, you can start to be aware And you can, as a partner, become more compassionate and say, okay, well, okay, we had a thing, but you know, I know you're really hurt. You know, there's no excuse for doing that, but clearly we need to continue to work on things. Clearly we need a little bit of help. We need some guidance. We need some coaching, whatever it is. And that's definitely a point that needs to be worked on. So you can use it as an indicator of like, okay, what the heck happened? And that's something we need to work on. So we can have it serve us better. And the other kind of question you ask yourself is, does this do more harm than good? You know, yes, sometimes you're allowed to feel frustrated at a coworker. Sometimes you're allowed to feel sad. You know, that's all okay. You're like, you're a human being. That's all that you like. Human beings are pure emotion, right? So you're allowed to feel those things, but does it do more harm than good? Are you allowed to feel sad when you lose a pet? Absolutely. You know, should you appropriately feel sad for a day or two? Yes. Should you feel sad for 6, 7 months? No. So it's, it's doing more harm than good at that point. So it's not serving you. So those are the questions you want to ask. You know, is this a normal human emotion? Is it an overreaction in my life? Does it do more harm than good? And does this emotion appropriately serve me and my loved ones and my family. And that's a really, really important one because emotions are here to serve you. You know, your frustration, your sadness, it serves a purpose. And so like losing a pet, I think that's a great example. So when you lose a pet, you feel sad. You know, you've lost a member of your family. It's devastating no matter kind of what it is. And that sadness serves a purpose in your mind and in your life to kind of memorialize them, right?

Mm-hmm.

and to kind of, to grieve for them and to love them and miss them for a little while and, and, and like kind of solidify their place in your heart. And that's how I think of it, right? And so those emotions serve you and then eventually they go away, right? And eventually you settle into, I will always miss that. But when you, when you think about that dog or that pet or whatever, you're not like a total wreck.

Yeah.

Right. And so it's served you appropriately. It served you and then it's allowed you to move on. And now when, when things don't serve you is when you continue to— every time you think about that, that dog for years later, you're just an absolute wreck. And that's when something— that's an indicator that something is really, really wrong.

Yeah. And ultimately you're just in pain in PTSD. When you have PTSD, um, you're— it's so, so important to know that you are completely normal, that you are just in a lot of pain. And that's the one thing that I would love. all you guys out there to, um, leave today with is that you're normal. You're just hurt. All these overreactions are PTSD. They're not you. They don't define you. They don't define who you are as a person. You're a good person. You deserve love from everybody, but mostly from yourself. And that's, that's the real thing that, like, what we're trying to, like, give to you guys today is that you deserve that love because you've been really, really hurt. And Many times when you're going through that and you're reacting in all these wild ways—I don't want to say crazy ways because you're not crazy; you're just hurt—you put a lot of pressure on yourself. And when you put a lot of pressure on yourself, it's like you're just—I mean, essentially, you're just beating yourself up over and over and over for when you think about it—for just being hurt for like for something that is not your fault at all. And really, that's what this is about—is like. Really look at like, is this my PTSD? Like separate yourself, or is this really me who I am? And a lot of people out there are like, I don't really know who I am. And we want to come to tell you today that we know who you are. We know that you're a good person because some people have had PTSD for as long as they remember, literally since they were like, like little, little kids, like, like their first memory. Like they don't have any other memory other than PTSD. They don't. And then they say that they don't know who they are. But we're here to tell you that you are a good person. You are not, you know, that the person who like lashes out at the people you love. You're not the person who throws things across the room. Like, that's your PTSD. That all that happens is because you're hurt. And really, that's, that's, that's what I want you guys to get out of this episode today. So you can bring yourself more love, so you can bring your loved ones more love. If you have somebody who, somebody who Somebody who you love who has PTSD, you can bring them more love as well. Because when we were going through our own struggles, that was— that was like I said before, this— that was one of the hugest, biggest turning points, was realizing that, you know, when Kayleen's lashing out, it doesn't mean she hates me. It doesn't mean that she's a bad person. It doesn't mean that she's crazy or psychotic. It just means that she's hurt. And that's really, really hard to, to see, um, in the beginning. But once you're able to kind of like pull back the emotions and really just look at and ask why, why do you feel that way? Why does, why does the person you love react that way? It always comes down to that they were hurt in a really, really bad way. And a lot of times, most of the time, 99.9% of the time, has nothing to do what's happening in that situation. So that's what I want you guys to take out of today. Um, it's, it's super important.

It is. And especially, I, I love that you're relating it to our relationship because that was absolutely a huge, huge thing for us and for both of us. Now, if you're in a relationship and you're listening to this and you're the one that has PTSD, maybe you both have PTSD, or you're a partner and you don't have PTSD and you're supporting someone with PTSD, it really doesn't matter. This applies to both And that's really an important thing too, is like, yeah, like, you know, when I lash out, you know, Brad, you know, as a partner, as a supportive loved one— and easier said than done, you know— can say, okay, that's not you, you're hurt, it's okay, right? But vice versa, when Brad lashes out, you know, and maybe he doesn't have PTSD— of course you did— but as a loved one, they're in a lot of pain too. And that's really important to see as the person who has PTSD.

Mm-hmm.

And something important to bring to the relationship is you're not the only one with a past. You're not the only one hurting, you know, no matter what the label is, no matter, no matter anything.

Hmm.

Both parties are hurt, and both parties always in life, PTSD or not, will have overreactions. There's gonna be moments, there's gonna be hotspots, you know, there's gonna be buttons that you accidentally push or push on purpose, right? But you accidentally push that, that person just kind of goes through the roof and And that's okay. You still need to bring that to them. And that was something important that I had to learn too, is like, you know, at first I didn't validate how Brad was feeling. And Brad was going through something really challenging. You know, watching someone that you love hurt is really challenging. And, you know, I would get upset that like he would be upset. You're not allowed to be upset. But everyone's allowed to be upset. Everyone's allowed to be hurt. And, you know, ultimately what you have to do, especially in that relationship, is bring that compassion and love to each other.

Yeah.

And realize, what's PTSD and what's human. And as a partner, sometimes you can see it. Sometimes it's so obvious and you're like, what? Like, you're confused. You're like, wait a minute, this, this doesn't seem like it has anything to do with what we're talking about.

Yeah.

You know, we're just talking about dishes in the sink and you seem like, you know, you're ready to put your fist through a wall and smash the dishes instead of wash them, you know. So sometimes it's, it's very obvious, and other times, and especially when we're reflecting on ourselves, and this is the important thing, When you're reflecting on yourself, you're a lot harder. We, we as humans are so hard on ourselves, and it's important. And that's what, you know, we want you to take from this episode is when you're reflecting on yourself, give yourself some love, give yourself some compassion, understand that you're hurt, and understand that it's still your responsibility to get better. So bring yourself that love. Say, okay, that's not me. You know, I'm really hurt, and that's not who I really am. But use it as an indicator to work on things, to work through things, to start to make things better. So that's the ultimate kind of goal, right? We're here to love you and support you. We believe in you. We genuinely believe everybody at their core is a good person. So it doesn't matter what you've done or how you act or how you react. We know you're a good person.

Mm-hmm.

And we want you to know that you're a good person ultimately, because it doesn't matter if we think you're a good person. We, we love you and we're here for you, but you need to think you're a good person. And you need to start to see some things are just human. You know, you're allowed to— you're allowed to have a bad day. You're allowed to get a little, a little miffed, a little upset, a little sad. And that's okay. And it doesn't have to be this, this big old event every time you get a little sad. You know, you're allowed to feel. Right, Brad. And then separate those things. And you're not a monster. You're not crazy. You're just hurt. And that is the ultimate, ultimate goal. So the action today is to take inventory of your actions and reactions. When you have an, you know, when you have an emotion and you act and you react, take inventory, like literally write it down and say, okay, is, was this appropriate? You know, is this a normal human emotion? You know, I would classify as rage is not a normal human emotion. We don't need to feel rage, but like you can be a little angry or a little, little upset, a little hurt. You know, so is this a normal human emotion? Yes or no? Is this an overreaction? Is that anger actually rage or is it actually just a, you know, a little frustration? Does it do more harm than good? Did I put my fist through a wall instead of having a hard conversation with someone? And does this emotion serve me and my loved ones appropriately? What's the purpose of this frustration? You know, can you be frustrated at a coworker? For sure. But what's the purpose? Because if you don't go and have that hard conversation and say, hey, no, I think we should do the project this way, and here are the reasons, and hear each other out, then it's not, you know, it's not serving you. And if it— if you're bringing that frustration and anger home, right, and then you're taking it out on loved ones, absolutely not serving you.

Mm-hmm.

So literally write it down, ask yourself those questions, and see if they serve you and they're appropriate, or they're not and it's because you're hurt. Bring yourself that compassion and love and use the ones that you say, okay, this is not a normal human emotion. This is an overreaction. It does more harm than good. And it doesn't serve me. The ones that you say those things to, you know, use those as an indicator that we need to continue to grow. We need to continue to get help. We need to continue to reach out.

Mm-hmm.

So that's the action for today. As well as if you were in a relationship, Brad and I recently over the past couple of weeks, we've been working really hard. We haven't been doing the episodes and there's a reason for that. And it's a very exciting reason, but over the past few weeks, we've put together a case study video, and we talk about why 70%, now 70% of PTSD relationships fail. So 70% of PTSD relationships end in breakup or divorce. Now that number is just, it's devastating for us to hear. I'm someone who loves love. We are in a relationship, obviously. And, you know, we were able to survive our relationship and not only survive but thrive. And so we put together this case study video to kind of explain more in depth these things, you know, 3 indicators that your relationship does need help right now and why 70% of those fail. And this is a huge piece. So this episode is a huge piece and we kind of expand on that. So if you want to see that video, we're going to put links below all in the comments. For those of you who are watching on live, and we'll put a link below in the podcast description here. So you can go to overcomingptsd.info/love. So overcomingptsd.info/love and, and learn how we were able to, you know, create this amazing relationship and how we were able to communicate through all these really challenging things and, and how we were able to do that and how you can do that in your own relationship. And, and why 70% of PTSD relationships fail, and if your relationship is in need of help right now. So that's what we have for you all today. Do you have anything else?

No, I think, I think you did a great job explaining that. Um, yeah, no, we're here for you. We're here to support you every step of the way. If you have any questions, uh, we'll read through the comments on the live and answer them. And, uh, send Kayleen an email.

Yeah, send me an email. It's kayleen@overcomingptsd.info. I Should spell my name. K-A-Y-L-E-E-N at overcomingptsd.info. So that's my email address. Send us questions. Today's our kind of Q&A. So that's the topic we wanted to cover because I get that question so, so, so often. So if you have questions, reach out, especially just— I mean, any questions, any questions, reach out. And we're gonna be here next week doing the, the lives again and doing the podcast again. For those of you who are listening on the podcast, we are doing lives on our social media platform while we are doing that. So, you know, thank you all for being here. Thank you for watching. If you like the podcast, make sure you give it a good old thumbs up and subscribe. Mondays motivation, Tuesdays our PTSD book club, Wednesdays our PTSD recovery workshop, Thursday is PTSD and relationships, and Friday like today is our Q&A. So, you know, if you like it, we love that you're here. You know, subscribe, write us questions, write us comments, rate us, you know, do your thing. Uh, we're here for you. We believe in you. Uh, let us know what you want to hear, you know. Let us know what topics you want us to cover. Uh, we're, we're, we're here, you know, 4 or 5 times a week. We, we do this to, to serve you in the best way possible because we've been in that position. We've been to rock bottom and it really, really hurts. And there was no one out there, you know, reaching a handout and giving us even, even a positive input, even a belief. You know, we've done it. We've been to rock bottom. And, you know, it's possible to recover. It's possible to save your relationship. You can be in that 30%. You know, we'd like to change that number altogether to, to not, not only 30% survive, but 100% survive, because this is possible and we believe in you. So that's what we're here to do. That's what we have for you. Do you have anything else?

Nope, that's it.

All right, so we love you, we're here for you, we believe in you, and we will see you all next week.

Alrighty.

Alrighty.

See you later.

Bye-bye.