Alba Monn- Her NDE With Her Daughter Saved Her Life Part 1

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Hi there, welcome to Grief to Growth Podcast. Your host is Brian D Smith, spiritual seeker, bestselling author, grief survivor, and life coach. Brian believes that the worst tragedies of life provide the greatest opportunity for growth. Brian says he was planted, not buried, and he is here to help you grow where you've been planted by the difficulties in life. In each episode, Brian and his guests will share what has helped them to survive and thrive. It is his sincere hope this episode helps you today.

Hey everybody, I wanted to set up this interview with you. Uh, I'm going to break this into 3 parts. So this is part 1, and it's with a woman named Abba Maan. Abla was telling me a story about her daughter being born. And it includes elements of a near-death experience with incredible rich educational experience while she was on the other side, with precognitive dreams that go back to years before her daughter was born. There's a lesson of forgiveness in here. There's just so much in here. There's a lot of richness. So it took us about an hour and a half to get to the first part. And we went back and recorded a second part that actually fills in some of the blanks when Abla was telling me her story. So I do encourage you to listen to all 3 parts. There is so much in here that I think it'll be really beneficial to you to go ahead and listen to all of it. So Alba did not want to be recorded on camera. So there's no video of Alba on this one. But it's definitely worth getting through. Thanks a lot. Have a great one. Hey everybody, this is Brian D Smith back with another episode of Grief to Growth. And today I've got with me a woman who has gone through a journey of the loss of a child, a journey that we both share. Her name is Alba man and her daughter Aurelia passed. And Alba had a really interesting experience with Aurelia when she passed that Alba is going to tell us about today. So with that brief introduction, I just want to introduce Alba to Grief to Growth and say welcome and thanks for being here today, Alba.

Thank you so much for having me.

Yeah, it's really good to, to get to know you and to hear your story and have you share your story with, with my audience. I know that your daughter passed away, and I know that you had a, a particularly spiritual experience when your daughter passed. So tell me about what, uh, what happened.

Yeah, um, I had a life-threatening accident together with Aurelia, and, um, the thing was that she was actually clinically dead. She had to be resuscitated, and she was brought to another clinic about an hour away from my clinic where I was to stay because I had to have a an emergency operation. And unfortunately, it took— it should have taken them about half an hour. But the procedure showed that there was something else going on, they couldn't stop the bleeding. So it took about 2 hours instead of half an hour. And while I was in the operating room, Aurelia was resuscitated. And she had a heartbeat. She had been without a heartbeat for more than half an hour because they had done some other procedures instead of the ones that she actually needed. And after having had this emergency operation, I was left in the ICU and I was not with my daughter because she was taken away. And so I was thinking about the whole circumstances and trying to guess if she could have a normal life still after all that, what was going on after the accident. And in this situation, I had a near-death experience together with my daughter. And to be honest, it was something that I would have never expected. And I was just laying in my ICU bed and thinking about the state that she was in and, and trying to figure out how many minutes she had been at a loss of oxygen. And suddenly I felt that somebody was standing behind my bed. And I just felt a presence. And that's how it all started, essentially.

Wow. So I just— so we— for some little bit of context, how old was Aurelia at the time of the accident?

Actually, she was a newborn. So, uh, the emergency operation that I had was actually an emergency cesarean section.

Oh, okay.

And I was— wasn't, uh, I wasn't physically aware of everything that was going on because I was still, um, in full anesthesia. And she was taken out and they tried to resuscitate her with the of specialists from another clinic. They were on the phone with the specialists, and they told them what to do and how to try to resuscitate her because she was clinically dead when she was born.

Okay, so you felt a presence behind your bed, and then what happened?

Well, I, I was fully aware. I haven't been asleep at all during that night because it was— that was all around midnight when I had the emergency operation. So I was in my bed after 1 o'clock or so in the evening. And I just felt that a presence was right behind me. And I remember that I was asking myself, who is that? Who could that be? And at the same moment, I realized that's my daughter, it's my child. And I actually was really puzzled because I felt that this person was a grown-up person. So it didn't seem to make any sense. And before I could grasp what this was all about, she was actually already trying to communicate with me. And we had a telepathic discussion. And it was all around the circumstances of the, of the accident, because my husband actually left right after the accident in his car. I had told him we must go to the hospital at once because the baby's not moving, and I need an ultrasound. And he had just woken up, he went to bed a lot earlier than me. And so he didn't understand what was going on. And we had another child that was not even 2 years old. And I told him to get our older daughter dressed so that we could go to the hospital. And he got mad at me because He didn't understand what was going on. And he just left in his car because I told him to get my other daughter dressed. And he just, he was too sleepy to realize what was really going on. He didn't understand anything. And so I was in this situation where I knew that I was blaming him for everything that had happened because I had to get my little daughter dressed, I had to go down, downstairs with her. Our house has 3 stories. So I had to go outside, look for him, his car was gone. He wasn't anywhere to be seen. So I was in shock at that time, because I knew I had to go to the hospital at once, and he wasn't anywhere to be found. So I had to go back upstairs with my older child, with my toddler on my hips. And I had to go 2 stories up to find my phone and finally call him. And then I had to convince him to come back because he said he went— he was going to go to his parents' house because he didn't understand what I wanted for him to do in the middle of the night to get our toddler dressed. So he obviously didn't understand anything. And I had to decide if I wanted to call the— for emergency medical emergency. And I decided not to do that because I needed for him to look after our toddler daughter. So I knew that I had to stay in the hospital. Our car seat was in his car. I had I didn't see any. I don't know, I didn't see any solution to this problem. So I told him he must come back at once and, and get me to the hospital. And that's what he did. But we, I think it was between 20 and 30 minutes until we actually arrived in the hospital. So it was a big delay. And I wasn't ready to tell anyone in the hospital what was going on because I didn't want to put my husband in a bad place. And anyway, I just realized talking to them about the circumstances wouldn't make any, any sense, because all I wanted for them is to rescue my daughter, essentially. So I was really upset with my husband. I had this huge anger inside that I couldn't articulate because I wasn't with him. I couldn't even talk to him or communicate with him. I didn't want for anybody else to know. So I wouldn't try to talk to anybody else in the hospital. And I was in this inner turmoil of anger and hate, to be honest, because I was blaming him for all the medical problems that our daughter would ever have in the future, now and in the future. And I was also blaming God, to be honest, I was in a, in a rage. I was thinking, how could this ever happen to me? How did I deserve something like this to happen in my life? I didn't, I didn't find any reason for me to go through something like that. And in this situation, my daughter was standing behind my head, looking down at me. She was grown up. And she didn't hesitate. She just started to talk to me. And her first words were, forgive him. And I, I was so upset. I just answered No way, I'm never going to forgive him because what he has done is unforgivable. And so she talked back to me and she said, no, forgive him. And she repeated it between 7 and 10 times. And during these moments, I started to try to analyze what was going on. And I was thinking, what's this? What's this conversation? Who is— why is she standing behind my bed? Why does she want for me to forgive him? It just didn't make any sense to me. And I also felt like she was putting pressure on me, extra pressure in this situation. Because as I was trying to understand what was going on, I felt like she should have understood my point of view. And my point of view was that I was going to separate from him as soon as possible. As soon as I was out of the hospital again and able to take steps, legal steps to get away from him, actually. And so she repeated, forgive him, and I was not ready to even talk about it. And so we had this telepathic discussion. And I always brought forward some more arguments why I wouldn't forgive him. And she was trying to explain to me why I should. For instance, she told me, if you don't forgive him, it's going to be over, your marriage is going to be over. And I said, well, no problem. I am planning on doing this anyway. So this is nothing that will be in my way. I'm not going to hesitate to separate from a guy that doesn't protect his family, that doesn't protect his baby, actually. And so she told me, for instance, maybe he didn't do it on purpose. And we had been talking for a while before that. And that was actually the point when I started to think it all over. And I realized that she was right. So he definitely didn't do it on purpose. And this calmed me down. And We had some more parts of the conversation where she finally convinced me that forgiving him was something desirable. So I, I understood from a philosophical point of view, like, totally theoretically, I understood that it was fine. Could be something good for me to do, to forgive him. But I told her that I'm not willing to do it because the circumstances had caused too much pain and anguish for me. And I didn't want to just look past that. And she tried to make me see why I should forgive him for some more other reasons. But I just, I just didn't think that I would want to make that effort. It was an emotional effort that seemed to be so huge that I couldn't do it.

Yeah.

So I finally told her that I knew what she meant. I knew that she meant well, and that I was just not willing and not capable of forgiving him at that point in time. And to be honest, I also told her that I think it's unforgivable. So no matter what, I would never forgive him, like for the whole future. As long as I live, I would never be able or willing to forgive him. And then she was quiet. And after that, it was over. So this telepathic discussion was over. And I was thinking, so finally she understood that there is no way that we could ever agree on something because I was not willing to do what she wanted for me to do. And So I was kind of relieved that this pressure on me was gone. And I was fine with how the discussion had ended. But suddenly she was sitting on the visitor's chair right next to my bed about maybe, I don't know how much it is in inches, but maybe between 4 and 5 feet away from me. So there was a visitor's chair and Everybody who comes to visit is allowed to sit in that chair. And the chair was in front of the door. So behind the chair, you could see the door to my room. And so she was sitting down and she was holding her hands like she was praying. And she was looking at me with this very pleading look in her eyes. And I knew that she was trying to make me see that it was serious. So I was in a serious situation, and I would— I should at all— I don't know, under all circumstances, no matter what the circumstances had been, I should forgive him. But I was irritated because of what she looked like. And I didn't want to start this discussion anymore. And I was just looking at her, and I was not ready to get into a telepathic discussion anymore. So from my point of view, this was settled. Wow. Yeah, it was actually very irritating because I was laying in this bed, thinking to myself, what is going on here? I could see the, the medical personnel behind a glass window, looking at different kinds of medical, um, how do you call it, charts.

Stay with us, we'll be right back.

You know, one of the hardest things about grief, most of the people in your life just don't get it. They want you to be further along than you are. They get uncomfortable when you bring it up, so you stop bringing it up. And that's why I started writing. My Substack is where I go deeper. Thoughts I don't always get to on the podcast. Essays on consciousness, on continuing bonds, on what it actually means to carry loss and still build a life. The stuff that used to keep me up at night written out in a way that I hope meets you in the morning. But here's what I didn't expect when I started it. The community that showed up. People who are doing exactly what you're doing. Listening, learning, trying to find their footing. Readers who comment, who share their own stories, who remind each other that none of us are as alone in this as we feel. And that's what the Substack has become— a place to go deeper with me and to find your people. It's free to subscribe. Find me at grief2growth.com/substack. That's grief, the numeral 2, growth.com/substack. Or just go to Substack and search for Grief to Growth. I hope to see you there.

Machines that they were checking my oxygen in my blood and all that. And I was looking at this person at the same time, I was thinking, what is going on? I knew that it was my daughter on the chair, but it didn't seem to make any sense. First of all, she was grown up. Secondly, she looked very strange, like her hairdo was reminded me of the Roaring Twenties. So she had these waves in her hair. Her haircut was very short. And also what she was wearing, like her clothes, they looked like something people would be wearing in the Roaring Twenties. So I was, I was puzzled, to be honest. And I, I felt that I'd like to reject what I was seeing, because I was starting to think That's weird. I mean, that's even weirder than the discussion that we just had, because the discussion felt kind of normal, or at least it made some kind of sense. But in this situation, I was, I was ready to shut her off in a way. So I was thinking about her hairdo, what kind of other hairdo would look a lot better on her. And I was thinking about her clothes, thinking that they looked old-fashioned. Jesus Christ, why was she wearing something like that? And for instance, it was way too tight on, on her upper body for what seemed appropriate to, to me. And it was that the shirt was too tight and her skirt was of a strange kind of length, so it all looked awkward. And, and also her shoes. I was just thinking about what I would tell her to wear and how I would maybe do influence her to have another hairdo or stuff like that. So just rationalizing how I would change her so that she would fit in everyday life.

Interesting.

Yeah, I was actually— I was at that point, I was really shocked because I realized that after a couple of minutes when I was looking at her, she looked absolutely be normal, like solid. But when I was concentrating maybe on an element on her shirt or something, I saw the door behind her shimmering slightly through her upper body. And that totally freaked me out. I was thinking, what is going on? How could I see part of the doorknob behind her? You know, just behind her. And I was— I decided I'm not going to go go through with this. And I'm not going to try to listen to her anymore. And it just, it just seemed too weird. And I remember I turned my face away to the other side because I didn't want to look at her anymore. And the important thing is that I had no idea that I was actually in the process of dying. I was bleeding internally. And they had just decided to sew me up after 2 hours trying to get the bleeding stopped, which they couldn't. And they decided they would just, you know, finish the operation. And what they were actually not allowed to do, but they told my husband that either I would bleed to death on the operating table, which they didn't want to happen, or they would just finish the operation and, and just hush it up. Because they didn't put it in any records. So they didn't write it down that the operation didn't go well. And I had no idea that I was about to die. And my husband actually knew it, but he was sent home, so he wasn't allowed to talk to me anymore. And, and the thing is that I explained the whole setting to me as my daughter trying to reach me because she knew that I was in the process of dying. And if she wouldn't reach me and change my attitude and change the emotional turmoil that I was in, I would die in this state of anger and all negative emotions that you can imagine. And I had no idea what she wanted, because I didn't realize that I was in any danger. And I was thinking, I'm on the way to getting well again. I just had my operation. And now I'm going to be home in about a week or so. So that was my belief system at the time. And when I turned my head away from her, because I was just— it was too much for me, to be honest. I was, I was feeling that I had no strength to be put under any pressure from her anymore. So I turned away. And I actually heard her say a sentence. She whispered a sentence that was audible. And when she said that sentence, a kind of flash went through my whole body. I can't describe it. Just, I can just say it was like fire or a lightning flash going through the inner part of my bones. So I felt a flash of energy just rushing through me. And at the same time, I was in another realm. It was just an instant. And I think it was just her sentence that just took me out of the whole situation. And what she was whispering was that, but he's actually my daddy still. And I heard that sentence. And it— I remember that it was this energy bolt of lightning going through me in a split second. And then I was in another realm. And I was standing upright. I was full of energy. I didn't feel weak anymore. And I was in, in a room that had no edges and no ends. I don't know how to describe it. But that was how I felt it was, it was without ends and without edges. It was kind of a round, lengthy round room. And it seemed like a huge hall, maybe like inside of a church, but just without the edges and without anything that would disturb the, the the shape of the room. And in this room, I, I felt all emotions that I felt were like intensified by, by 10, like by tenfold. And I had a huge heat in my chest area. I felt like fire, burning like fire. And I saw myself and my husband standing about 7 meters. 7. I don't know what this is in.

It's about 20 feet.

But okay, okay. Yeah, about 20 feet away from me. And I was standing on the left side, my husband was standing on the right side. And the way we were standing is that we were holding our hands up in a 45-degree angle towards each other so that just our fingertips would be about to meet above us. And it looked like a doorway, like an ancient doorway.

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And as I was watching what I was presented with, I realized that this is the door of life. So my husband and I had been the door of life for our daughter. And I first I was irritated, I had no idea where I was. But I realized that this meant that I was presented with the door of life, which means that we had both equal input into, into her and into her life and into her future. And I saw that my, from my heart, there was coming a light out of it. And this light was, how should I say it, it was enlightening the whole room. So there was no other source of light, but the light that was coming out of my heart. And I was wondering how this would be possible. And I looked down at myself. And when I looked down, I saw that there were two different pipelines of light that went out of my chest area, out of my heart. One was going towards me and one was going towards my husband. And I was overwhelmed by all these emotions there. I could analyze four emotions. One was love. And one was remorse. One was sadness or grief. And the fourth one was a very strong desire for being forgiven for everything that I had done wrong in my whole life. I don't know why, but this was a very, very strong emotion. And I was puzzled by everything that I was presented with in this in this realm. And I was starting to understand that I had to ask myself some questions. And I asked myself, what is this that is coming out of me like light or fire? Because it had little fibers in it that were like little strings of fire. So it was just little fibers, and then about 5 feet away from me, it would separate. So this pipeline would kind of crack, crack open. And some of these strings would look out. And then it was just like very strong flashlights from every one of the two pipelines was just white light, pure white light, and it would enlighten the whole room. And the answer that I was given was that love, what is, what is shining in this area. So that's love that comes out of me. And I was, in this moment, I was so overwhelmed that I realized that I was seeing the situation from my daughter's point of view. I realized that this is not my only point of view, because I, as I was analyzing it, it was, I was seeing the whole situation from her point of view. And I don't think that I'm such a good person to be able to enlighten the whole room by myself. But I, as I was watching it, I realized that it may and that her love to me and her love to her dad were exactly the same. And in this situation, when I was so angry with my husband, it seemed unbelievable that she would love him just the same as she would love me. And so that got me thinking. And while I was thinking about this equality of the love, I realized that it's the same with the door of life. Also with us. We are both 50% of the door of life, like genetically and in every other way. And at the same time, her love to us was also either 100% for both of us, or you could say 50% for me and 50% for her dad. Yeah, while I was looking at this, what was presented to me, I, I reached a point where I got it that she wanted for me to see that I shouldn't think that I was any better than my husband. Because in our discussion, in our telepathic discussion, she told me that one sentence was that no one is better than the other one. So this was one of those sentences, and it looked as if she would show me in this spiritual realm that this was the truth, that none of us is more important to her, and that she has the same love for both of us. And that it was not fair of me to think that I was any better than my husband, because he just didn't understand what was going on in this situation. Do you want for me to Go on.

Yes, yes, please.

I had reached a point where I, where I thought that I had understood what this door of life was about. And I had reached a point where I realized that she loved my husband, the same that she loved me, and I was shattered. I was so overwhelmed by the thought that she had so much understanding for him and so much love for him, that I was I had the feeling that my whole concept of life was, was tumbling down. And as soon as I had the idea that I understood what this was all about, I saw in the distance, about 20 feet further away from my husband and me standing towards each other, I saw huge pharmacy scales. They were at least 3 times bigger than we were. So I, I'm not a mathematician, but it must have been huge from the perspective that I was in, because it was a lot further away. And the scales were in balance. And there was a little bit on one side, and then there was a huge bit on the other side. And I, I was actually, I was shocked when I saw it. Because as soon as I saw those scales, I had the feeling that this was really serious. And that was something that looked like authority so that I couldn't, even if I wanted to, I couldn't have a say in what was presented to me now. That's how I felt to me. And the one side was a little bit spiky, like little black spikes, and the other one was like jellyfish. So it was kind of gooey and soft. And, and I realized, when I saw those little piles, or bunches, I realized that it was what came out of our lives. Like the— that was the thing that didn't fit in with what we should have lived our life like. And it felt like it was like if our life was something like Earth, we would be put through a grid. And those big things wouldn't fit through the grid. So everything else was fine, it fell through. But these things were the things that couldn't get through. So they stood out. And I I was trying to analyze later on what, what did those bunches mean. And I think it's the things that, that we have to carry, like the psychological things that are kind of a burden for each of us. There's something that, that we carry with us through life. And I realized that the little spiky things, they were something like inner harsh criticism. Maybe even if you don't say it out loud, but inside you, you criticize others, and you have judgment about others. And it's hurtful in a way, like it's hurtful, as if you would step on something like a little spiky thing that is in your foot, and it hurts really, really bad. And the other thing behind my husband was this jellyfish kind of thing. And I intuitively realized that it meant that the things that he had to work with, or, or try to try to change was that he was too soft, like this jellyfish, it has no backbone, you know what I mean? It is, it's very adaptive to, to some surface, but it doesn't have any strength in it.

Okay, yeah.

And so it meant that this kind of sins that I had done and my husband had done, it felt like bunches of sins that were zipped out of our lives and analyzed. And what I hadn't explained before is that when I saw my husband and me standing before me, there, there was a point when I could see inside of us, it was like, a psychological analyzation of all our strengths and weaknesses. So it was as if it was percentages, for instance, empathy, for instance, 60%, and other things like hope, 70%, or patience, 80%. And each one of us was, was analyzed at the same time. So simultaneously, I could look inside of us, and realize what the strengths of my husband were, and what my inner character looked like. It seemed as if I would just be able to look through us so that the body didn't matter. But I would look through all on everything on the surface, and just the character would stand out. And at the same time, when I saw the scales, I realized that the scales were even. Meant that there was no way that in, in reality, this could be even because the jellyfish was a huge pile, and the little spiky things were just very small. And I knew that they didn't have a lot of weight. So it, it seemed strange that the scales would be even. And then I realized that that's how I explained it to me in this situation, I realized that it must be a process that first sees the potential in both of us. So it's like a mathematical potential of our character traits that is accurate. And then behind us is— it's like plus and minus. It's like an equation. So in the front, there was plus, like all our potential. And in the back on the scales, there was the outcome, like the life result of both of us. And the life result was even. So there was no one of us better than the other one. But of course, it meant that we were both not very good. And when I saw it, I was devastated because I realized that with what I have seen in both of us, there was so much more potential than what was the outcome in that situation. So it was really embarrassing. It was shocking. And, and I was Yeah, I was devastated. I was ashamed of what I saw in front of me. And I think it was all those negative emotions that I had been in that resulted in this equation, and it was horrible. I, I had constant thoughts about how, how I wish to change it. I had this urge to make everything better and prove that I could do better. But I had this feeling that there was nothing I could do anymore. Like it was final. It's like if you have a test that you have, if you are in your final year in high school, and you have to do the final exams, then if you hand in the test, it's done. Like if you want to rush up to your teacher and say, oh my God, I just got this idea how I could do this one part better and change this one because it's wrong. And the teacher says, well, I'm sorry, everybody has handed in their, their stuff. And you can't change anything anymore. And that's how it felt. So I had this feeling that my life result was done. And no matter how much I understood how I could have done it better, I, I couldn't change a thing about it anymore. And this was the most horrible thing that I felt, the finality of it, and that being able to understand everything in this realm, was too late. It felt too late. And I reached a point when I was thinking I understand everything. And in this moment, I was in a totally different area. I was on, on my favorite mountain, about 2,000 meters high, just below the peak. And there was a little fence, a wooden fence in front of me. And it was actually the real weather that was real at that time of day. So it was in the very early hours of the morning. And I was walking the path and I had been on that mountain first couple of times. I had been there with my family and friends, but always under very good weather conditions. So always in sunshine and always nice weather and with a huge view. And, and as I was looking around me, I realized where I was because I knew the setting. But the weather was just horrible. Like it was very windy and foggy, and I could hardly see where I was going. And then I saw a huge boulder in front of me. And it was way taller than I was. It It was about 8 feet tall and 8 feet in diameter. And it was very spiky with sharp edges. And it freaked me out. I was just going on this little path, this narrow path, and then there was this huge boulder in front of me. And I tried to find a way to go around it or, you know, pass by it. But there was no way because this path was so narrow. There was a stone wall next to me on the left side. And on the right side, there was a very steep hill, hillside down. So there was grass and everything, but it was way too steep to, to try to go there because you would fall. And as I was standing there, I realized for the first time that I'm in danger. That's the first time when I realized it's about me. This whole thing is about me. And I'm standing with a huge, a huge thing in my way, I can never get around it, I cannot escape it. If I go back down, it will roll down the hill on the path and crush me. I cannot go to the left, I can't go to the right. And there's no way to escape in any direction. And that's when I realized that it was— I was in life danger. That's, that's the point when I realized there's no way out. There is absolutely no way I can get out of this situation. And I had been in this other— in this realm where I was enlightening the whole realm with the fire in my heart. But when I was standing on this path, I realized that everything that I understood was true. Everything was final. I couldn't change anything about my life anymore. I couldn't change my feelings that I had been in. I realized that this— my life was over. I realized that my path is gone. I cannot take any step further. And I was so frightened that I wasn't able to have one more thought. And I just stared at this huge boulder. And I was thinking, this is it. There's no way out. And I'm, I'm not able to change anything anymore. And this is it. And then I had no thoughts in my, in my mind anymore. And suddenly, I heard like a little echo, the things that my daughter was telling me before I was catapulted in this realm. And I remembered her voice saying, forgive him, forgive him. And so this was just like an acoustic echo that I heard like that telepathically. And in this moment, I realized what she meant was that there was just one way out of this situation. And that was to forgive him. And all of a sudden, it seemed so easy. I don't know, it, as I felt that I was in life danger, I didn't mind to forgive him. It seemed like the most natural thing to do. And I realized that this was my only chance of escaping this horrible situation where I was stuck in. And so I said, I forgive him, and I meant it. And I was breathing in and out. I remember that very clearly. And all of a sudden, this huge rock was starting to roll downhill to my left, to my right. And I was so startled that I watched it. I turned over and I watched it as it was gaining momentum going down the hill. And it, it even pulled out little pieces of dirt and, and grass, throwing them in the air as it went down. So it was totally realistic. And I was so astonished, I didn't dare making another step. And I was, I was thinking, oh my goodness, what just happened, and just saying that I forgive him, took this huge boulder away and out of my way. And so I realized my path is clear again. And I wanted to go over between the fence because there was a little doorway so that you could go through the fence. And I wanted to reach that little wooden fence and go up to the mountain, to the very top. But as I went ahead for maybe 2 or 3 more steps, I was catapulted back in my ICU bed. And tears were running down my cheeks because for some reason, I felt the strangest things. I felt uplifted. I felt forgiven. I was totally happy. I was totally okay with everything in my situation. And I was— I felt that I had been blessed and that I had been forgiven everything, actually. And I remembered part of the scripture that says that you should be forgiven as you forgive. I don't know, but there's a connection. And I realized that because I had forgiven my husband, for some reason, I felt like I was going through a spiritual washing machine. It felt like I came in dirty, and I came out totally clean. And it felt— I don't know, I felt so relieved. I can't put it in words. And I didn't want to wait for any other moment. I sent my husband a short message. And I wrote to him that I'm sorry that I was thinking that it was his fault, what had happened, and that I'm sorry that I had accused him silently, and that I was okay with everything, and that I didn't have any accusations for him anymore. And I told him that I was sure that our daughter was disabled, because she told me in our telepathic discussion, she told me, when I told her, this is going on for the last 2 years, I, I can't forgive him so much, you know, this amount of time that there was disappointments and broken promises and everything. I said to her, I can't forgive any of it. Because I told her, if even if I could forgive what happened today, it would still amount to— I couldn't forgive everything that he had done for the last 2 years. So it's too much. And that's when she told me, I can also forgive. And for me, it's not only about 2 years, it's about my whole life. And at that moment, I realized that she must be talking about some mental or physical disability. That's how I interpreted it. And I was sure at that moment that she was very badly harmed by this accident. And that I was 100% sure that she was handicapped, severely handicapped. But I didn't mind at that stage. I just, I was just happy that she would survive, actually, to be honest. And, and after that, I told my husband in the short message that I'm sure that our daughter will be severely handicapped. But that I think that if we have understanding for each other, and if we stick together, we can overcome everything that is in our way, any, anything. So no matter what it is, we could. So more or less, we could overcome everything. So there's no obstacle in our way anymore. And this huge boulder seemed like the symbol for all these obstacles that were in my way, all these negative emotions that I had against my husband. So I had written this short message, and I was feeling totally happy and in, in total bliss. Everything was alright. And I And I had the feeling that now everything was fine forever, to be honest. So nothing could ever change that. And I was thinking, now I should go to sleep because I was awake for the whole night. And as I wanted to fall asleep, I realized that my heart rate was, was increasing. And as I felt my heart beating ever and ever faster, I realized that this meant that the heart of my daughter, one hour away from me in the other clinic, was beating like that. And that I felt what she was going through. And so I pressed the button for, for the people to come in, for the medical personnel to check on me. And I told them that I have this notion that I think that my daughter is in stress, and could they please call the other clinic to make sure that she was okay. And the lady told me that only the doctor can make these phone calls, she's not allowed to. And the doctor is busy with another operation. So I would have to wait. And after maybe another 5 or 10 minutes, I was in such a state that I was about to cry. So it was so horrible. What I felt, it felt like my daughter is going through so much pain and distress. And so I asked again for them to call the other clinic. And when they declined again, I asked them for a Bible because I was thinking maybe I could find a clue in the psalm of the, of the date of the birthday of my daughter, like a, in a way, like a message from her to me. If I read the psalm of her birthday, then maybe I could realize what's going on and what, what she would like to tell me. That was my intuitive idea at that. It's very strange because I hadn't looked in a Bible for years, to be honest. But in, during that night, my mom had been on the phone with me, asking me to, yeah, to pray with her. And I said, I'm not going to pray anything because that's, that was before my near-death experience, and I was so in anger and turmoil, I was not ready to pray anything. And I said to her, no prayer is going to be okay with this situation. So there's nothing that I could ever pray even if I wanted to. And she said, oh, there's one prayer, God's will should be done. And I said, I'm not going to pray that. I said, nobody asked me if I was okay with it. And it's going to happen anyway. So there's no purpose for me to join in this prayer at that time. And in this moment, when I felt all the distress that my daughter was going through in the other clinic, I felt that I needed some message from her that would reassure me. Actually, I was hoping that there was something in this psalm saying, I'm in distress, but everything will be fine. Because that's what I was hoping for. And so someone gave me the Bible from another section in this hospital. And I looked up her psalm as quick as I could. And, and it started with, I'm calling to you, God, listen to us when we call to you in distress. And so I was going down this psalm as fast as I could. And the end was God, hear us when we are calling for you, and hear us in the hour that we are calling for you. And in the Catholic tradition, there's a prayer that you say for Mary, and there's one line in it saying, God have mercy on us in the hour of our death, actually in the last hour before we die. And this little line reminded me of this other prayer. And I realized that this was the hour when she was dying. So that's, that's true in a way what I felt. So this was it. And of course, I asked them to call again, but they just came in an hour, more than an hour later, and they told me that my daughter died about an hour ago. And I knew the time when I had looked at, at the time when I had read the prayer and this psalm, and I realized that it was the same time when my daughter was actually dying. When I was reading this line that said, listen to us when we call out for you. So this was, in a way, was very touching. But in another way, it was very hard. To be an hour away and to feel that your daughter is dying in another clinic and you can't change anything about it.

All right, that's the end of part 1. Stay tuned for part 2.

Thanks for listening to Grief to Growth. Brian hopes that you find this episode helpful and will come back for future episodes. Brian's bestselling book, Grief to Growth: Planted, Not Buried is a great resource for anyone who is coping with grief or knows someone who is. If you enjoy the podcast and would like to support it, there are 3 things you can do to help. The first is to share the podcast with someone that you think it will help. The second is to go to iTunes, rate and review the episode. The third way you can support the podcast is by becoming a patron head over to www.patreon.com/grief2growth. That's P-A-T-R-E-O-N.com/grief, the number 2, growth, and sign up to make a small monthly donation. Patrons get access to exclusive bonus content and knowledge that you are helping to spread the message of grief to growth. For more about Brian D Smith and Grief 2 Growth, Visit www.grief2growth.com.

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