From Anxiety to IRONMAN: Adam Hill’s Shocking Rise to the World Stage!

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Hi there, welcome to Grief to Growth Podcast. Your host is Brian D Smith, spiritual seeker, bestselling author, grief survivor, and life coach. Brian believes that the worst tragedies of life provide the greatest opportunity for growth. Brian says he was planted, not buried, and he is here to help you grow where you've been planted by the difficulties in life. In each episode, Brian and his guests will share what has helped them to survive and thrive. It is his sincere hope this episode helps you today.

All right. Hey there, everybody. This is Brian D Smith. I'm back with another episode of Grief to Growth. And I've got with me today, Adam Hill. And Adam is the author of a new book called Shifting Gears: From Anxiety and Addiction to a Triathlon World Championship. And it chronicles his harrowing, inspiring, and sometimes clumsy story of transformation from the origins of a debilitating anxiety disorder to his battle with alcoholism to his rise to the top of the triathlon world stage. Adam is an elite amateur athlete with multiple podium finishes and has earned distinctions of USA Triathlon All-American and Ironman All-World Athlete. He was featured in the NBC series, uh, NBC series Ironman: Quest for Kona 2017, which chronicles a successful attempt to qualify for the Ironman World Championship. Today, Adam is a business executive, a coach, a speaker, and an author. And through his triathlon platform, Extra Life Fitness, He provides coaching, guidance, and resources to triathletes of all levels. You'll often find him speaking about personal transformation and overcoming anxiety at company events, on podcasts such as this one, and in other media. So with that, I want to welcome Adam Hill.

Thank you. Thank you for having me. I'm very honored to be here, Brian.

Thanks. Yeah, Adam, I can't wait to get into the interview. I have so much I'd like to talk to you about. I think, um, I was going to say we have some things in common, but not the, not the triathlon thing. But I can relate to the anxiety disorder. So maybe we can start with that. What was your anxiety disorder like and how did that affect your life?

Yeah, it was certainly pretty dramatic in my life. And it started out— and I know it starts out different for everyone, so I'm not sure how it started out for you. But when we grew up, when I grew up, you know, we didn't talk a lot about mental health. And I'm sure, you know, maybe you went through a lot of the same experience with growing up in a world where mental health wasn't at the forefront. Forefront, uh, and, and it's starting to get a little better today. But, but, uh, when I grew up there, it, it wasn't really apparent that I had an anxiety disorder, uh, when I was much younger. It was more this kind of bubbling up worry that I would have, or that— or it came out as this social awkwardness, or what I would call myself, I would just call myself a spazzy kid who was a weirdo who didn't have a lot of friends, uh, which would now pretty much be called something like a social anxiety. Just, I, I was always worried about what other kids thought of me and things like that, but I never really knew what that was. And so I just kind of went through the motions of growing up and had a really, had a really good childhood otherwise. I mean, I was raised by great parents, had, you know, a very privileged life growing up. And, you know, I recognize that You know, I was very fortunate to have the parents I had, the life growing up with a roof over my head and plenty of food to eat. So I had really nothing to worry about, but it was always there anyway. It was always this festering worry, and it really continued to come about as I moved into high school and college. And when I got into college, I discovered alcohol very quickly. I began drinking You know, I think the first drink I have, I, I've described it and I remember it so vividly that it was an immediate solution to that worry and that social anxiety that I had always had. And I was immediately able to talk to people and immediately felt connection with people. And it was, it was clear that alcohol for me was something that was definitely going to be a part of my life because it just made at least in that perception, that immediate moment, it made everything better for me at that moment. And it was sometime later, you know, within the next couple of years, that I had my first panic attack. And again, not knowing what this was that was going on inside of me, just having this kind of like low-level worry or, you know, social awkwardness, I had this extremely extremely strong panic attack where I felt like I was over— I was just overcome with this certainty that I had this, this, this, this disease. And for me, it just came about as, you know, I had a, I had a girlfriend at the time, and, and I thought for some reason that I was HIV positive. I had no reason to believe that, but it came on as this intense feeling of certainty, and, and even more so than it should have been, this this realization that I was going to succumb to this. And I just fell on the floor and was just paralyzed with fear. And, you know, I went to the doctor and they checked me out and told me that there was nothing wrong with me, I had nothing to worry about. And it was an immediate sense of relief that came over me at that point. But it was replaced very quickly later by something else. You know, next it was this feeling of cancer, or then it was that I was going to be arrested. And I say all of this because it was all very irrational. I mean, it was— there was nothing rational about it because I had no reason to believe it, you know. But, but it was so overpowering. And I, I very quickly realized that, that my solution, the alcohol that I was— that I had, had come to, to, to help with my, you know, social awkwardness and, and that made me feel so good, was my solution for this as well. It immediately took that away. It immediately gave me a sense of I have nothing to worry about. It was like this really, uh, really close friend that just made everything okay. And for a while that— I say it worked, but it was a perception of working because it was a short-term solution that, you know, I'd wake up or come to the next morning and I would— the anxiety would be intensified. So, um, so what started out as fun became fun with problems. I began getting, you know, more in trouble with the, you know, with the law. Like, I would I would be out walking with maybe a beer in my hand and I would get stopped by the police and get ticketed or small things like that that would just become problematic. And over time it became worse. I started to black out. And, you know, by that time I would start to realize that this was probably a problem, but it was the way that I could manage my anxiety. And so it became this endless cycle of, you know, waking up with, the paralyzing fear, you know, going throughout my day, white-knuckling it, and then, you know, getting to my next drink, which, which was my life for about 10 years, for a decade.

Yeah.

So I don't know if I've heard of anxiety in quite that way before, manifesting that way, because I think I heard you say you had some social anxiety about being around other people. And I suffer from panic attacks as well. Mine was usually in social situations, but it was more of just a generalized thing where my heart would start racing and my palms would sweat and stuff like that. Did you have those types of symptoms as well, or was it just the— or not just, but was it the hypochondria?

I did, yeah. So I had a lot of that anxiety that was just kind of— I would call it festering, this low-level, like the sweating, the in social situations, my hands are always kind of moving. I'm always kind of doing this and don't really know what to say. Or feeling that social awkwardness, it was always overshadowed by that panic that I would have. And I would even define that as this dread. It was either this intense fear, debilitating and paralyzing, where I just couldn't move, or it was just this feeling of dread that somehow everything was falling apart or I couldn't keep everything together. And certainly, You know, for me, for me, while I, while I felt like alcohol was the solution that immediately took it away, it was, it was causing more problems. It was intensifying that. And I, I, you know, didn't— I, I— it was the only way that I knew to really manage that at the time.

Yeah. So have you ever thought about, like, what, what do you think maybe was the source of, of this anxiety? I think the thing is that we all have it to a certain extent, and most of us don't realize it. We're all a little bit uncomfortable in social situations. I think, I think most people are. But for some of us, it just becomes almost debilitating.

Stay with us.

We'll be right back.

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Yeah, yeah, it, it, uh, I think it, it did come about, and it's hard to, it's hard to figure out where the chicken or the egg comes from there. I mean, I think, you know, genetically I have this, uh, uh, this, uh, uh, you know, this anxiety that's gonna, that's going to be with me. It just, it just is. It's, it's there. And again, I don't really have a traumatic experience to pin it to from my early childhood or anything. Like I say, I feel like I had a really good childhood, and at least from the standpoint of, you know, good parents, good experiences, and all of that. But when I started getting into, you know, drinking and, you know, smoking and those kinds of unhealthy habits, I know that I was— I, I know, and I knew internally that I was compromising my values and that I was— that I was not the person that I wanted to be, but it was the only way I could go to manage that. So I was almost intensifying the anxiety there that, that, that was making it worse through this— through this alcohol, through, through drinking alcohol and the blacking out, the intense shame that I would feel. Um, there was a lot of shame associated with it. And so it was just a constant feeling that I would have to numb or subdue this, this thing. Um, and, and so with the anxiety, the, the shame came in. I would have to subdue that. I would have to push that down. So ultimately, I think I was just— I was digging myself deeper into a hole of anxiety without really— while I was trying to, to end it. By the time I figured that out, it was almost too late. I became an addict. I became, you know, I became dependent on that solution.

Yeah, and I'm just kind of wondering and thinking about people that are— that I know that are anxious. It seems like a lot of times they're very, like, high-functioning people, the people that really put that pressure that we put on ourselves that we think other people are putting on us, especially in these social situations where it's like everybody we think is judging us. Um, so we just start judging ourselves and then it just spirals down, right?

Right. Yeah, it's— it was that feeling for me. I, I I definitely was trying to be a high-functioning person because that was really one of my rules that I'd set up for myself to convince myself that I didn't— or at least subconsciously convince myself that I didn't have a problem, which was to make sure that I was functioning and doing everything that I could, you know, at a, at a high level. And, and when I was growing up, I, I knew that I had an obsessive personality. That's one of the, you know, what I would eventually come to know as a superpower of my anxiety was that I, I, you know, I was an obsessive person. I got into music, I started playing the cello early on, and I would practice for 3 hours a day, because I wanted it to be perfect. And I wanted to do really well at it. And I wanted to get into college with that. And I knew that was my only, the only way that I can get into college because I couldn't get into my grades. But, you know, when I, when I put my mind on something like that, it would, I would always, you know, do it to a high I would try to do it at a high level. And, you know, but over time that became, you know, I became— I put that obsession on to drinking and that became my obsession. And ultimately it took me a long time to come to that realization that, that some of these things that I had inherently due to the anxiety that I have are, you know, can be used in a positive way, like, you know, obsessive focus. And ultimately that would be what would, you know, help me out after I would get sober and, uh, and get into triathlon as well.

Yeah. So what was it that, uh, that broke the cycle for you? What was it? What was it you decided that this, this is not working for me anymore?

Well, as I mentioned, I, I had, uh, I, I, I, I was having, you know, I set these rules for myself as I kind of mentioned, and, you know, certainly A few of those rules were to convince me that I didn't have a problem, including like I wouldn't drink before 5 PM, or I wouldn't drink on the weekdays or on a work night because I wanted to be okay for work the next day. And it was kind of like I was this weird alcoholic gremlin, you know, that you didn't want to get wet or anything like that. But I, you know, notoriously, I would of course break all of those rules because I didn't have control. And, but the one rule I would never break, uh, because I hated these people so much, um, it was drinking and driving. I never wanted to cross that line, um, because it— and I just felt like it, it was so disconnected from the person that I was and the person that I wanted to be. And I mentioned earlier that, you know, part of the shame I'd felt over the course of my drinking and part of the Part of the reason I was feeling so anxious was because I was compromising my values a lot of times by breaking these smaller rules. Well, at one point I did start to drink and drive, and, and it came to a head when I, when I got in a DUI accident. And by grace, you know, fortunately nobody was hurt, nobody was killed, um, but I still did the damage. And I sat in the back of a police car coming out of a blackout where I didn't, you know, know what was happening. And I realized at that moment that I, that I had absolutely no control over my life. I had no control because I wasn't just a, I wasn't just a danger to myself, but I was a danger to others. And that wasn't tolerable to me. That, that was so far beyond what my value system was that I knew I only had two choices at that moment. I had one choice. I could end my life and just do away with myself from this earth altogether because I was a danger to myself and others. Or I could go 100% into getting help. And I had that seed planted years earlier where, you know, I knew that there was places like Alcoholics Anonymous. I'd gone into those rooms because, you know, my wife had given me the ultimatum of, you know, you've gotta go to this or, you know, I'm gonna leave. And so I would go to get the heat off, but I would do it for her. And internally, I would be thinking to myself that I can't go into treatment and what they're demanding of me in treatment is, it would be selfish for me to do that because I have work, I have to take care of my family, I have to do this. When in reality, by doing that, I was no good to anybody. And so it was that moment in jail that it's like, okay, well, I need to go get that help. Because if I'm not doing that, I'm no good to anybody. And I have to make that first in my life, above work, above family, above anything. And that was really the, you know, that's just, it was a process of, I needed to be broken to that extent to be able to get that help. 'Cause I needed that to have that choice in front of me of, you know, this is my life, this is life or death. This is, you know, Otherwise, I, I, and that's what I needed to get that help I needed.

Yeah, I think that's a pretty big part of being human. Um, I, I experience that all the time. Not— we all have different things that is the catalyst for us to change, but it seems like there's something about the human condition. We'll just keep doing something as long as it's, quote, working, right?

Right.

Until the point where it's just, just not working anymore. And whatever that, whatever that is for different people, it's different things. That flips that switch where we start to make that change.

Yeah, it was leaning into— it was like I was leaning into comfort. And what I find interesting about the idea of being comfortable is it's a yin and yang kind of thing, because we could be comfortable in the moment, but in most situations— and I'm not saying all, but in most situations— if we choose comfort right now, We are choosing discomfort in the long term, you know, and that's especially true for something— the way I was treating my anxiety through alcohol, I was choosing a, a comfort in the immediate term but extreme discomfort in the long term. And so by flipping that, by choosing discomfort, you know, immediately, by something that's, I would call, discomfort— uncomfortable in a healthy way, you know, you can choose comfort in the long term. Something like, something like going to an AA meeting or going or Or doing the work now that I have to get done to be healthy in the long term. Those are the types of discomfort we have to lean into now because they increase our elasticity to be, to be, to be more comfortable in the long term, to be able to tolerate what life dishes out to us. And, you know, I'll say that my experience in being sober over the last decade, I've had more challenging, more heartbreaking, more difficult things that I've had to face than I ever did when I was drinking, but I've done them sober because I was able to choose that discomfort in the moment to be more resilient over time.

Well, you know, that's an interesting point. As you were saying, I was thinking about a lot of things in life that are kind of like that, you know, it's forming any new habit, right? So anything— I'm taking a coaching thing right now, a life coaching thing, and it's like 7 weeks and it's really intense. And then the first couple of weeks— we're in week 5 now— First few weeks were just like brutal as you're really starting to look inside yourself and figuring out the things that you don't like about yourself, etc. And it's very uncomfortable to do that. But once we do it, as you said, then we can start to build comfort more in the long term.

Yeah, yeah. It's an amazingly transformative thing. And I would say that that was kind of the first transformation I had. The first transformation obviously was required a breaking point. I mean, obviously it was such that I had to completely let go of that person that was drinking every day and lean into the ideas that I thought were uncomfortable because I was forced into that. I mean, I was going to face these legal troubles. I was going to have to go to court and face what I did. And it's interesting. I don't know if you experience anxiety this way, but it's how I do. I'm more fearful about the unknown or the things that are in the future that I know are going to happen than I am about dealing with things in the exact moment. So things like if I'm facing this certain legal battle, it's like, okay, well, let's just do it and keep, keep going. But, but if it's, if, if it's something that I don't know or that's uncertain in the future, that's where my anxiety lives. And so just kind of dealing with that, that, that once it was really taken out of my hands on what I needed to do and it was just follow the advice of people that in in the rooms of recovery and all this that knew what they were doing and just do every step one day at a time, then it just became, you know, obvious. And it almost— it was that sense of serenity that I would say peace and grace that I was able to feel, you know, that the shame still existed in there. And if I'm being honest, I mean, of course, about that, about that circumstance, that the DUI, the accident. I still feel shame about that. It's, it's a shameful circumstance, but it's, it's also one that, you know, I'm extremely grateful I was able to learn the lessons I was from it and, and grow out of it the way I have.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. And that, and that's the thing, you know, about situations like that. We can, we can choose to take that and, and transform it and use it to as a catalyst to, to move forward. So you talk about being an anxiety superhero. What is that actually? What do you mean by that term?

So one thing I've discovered within sobriety after being in there a while was that a lot of those steps that I took, and I went through Alcoholics Anonymous, and that's not to try and promote anything. It's just the way I went through it. But I learned that a lot of those steps help me to elevate above and essentially transcend the person that I was and transcend anxiety in particular. It didn't mean that it went away. And I think that that was an empowering part of, of that discovery was there, there were a few manifestations of that. First, I discovered that I, I had an anxiety disorder and I wanted to suppress it. I wanted to push it down. I wanted to get rid of it. I hated it. I wanted it out of my head and I couldn't do that. And then, you know, through sobriety, I, I learned all of these steps that were, you know, again, difficult putting me in, in and difficult situations in the now so I could be more productive, more, uh, you know, stronger later. And I realized that accepting that as part of who I was, you know, that, that I have this anxiety and that I live with it, is, you know, that, that's a part of it. That was kind of the second manifestation. And then later learning, well, how can I— what, what are the good things about anxiety? Where can fear and anxiety be my friend? And then like really exploring that, you know, you realize that, that fear, it's, it's not necessarily good or bad. I mean, at times, of course, it could be bad. It sucks to have that feeling. It's terrible. But it's also telling us something good. I mean, if we're in the same room as a, as a giant grizzly bear, fear is a good thing. Tells us that we should probably get out of there. If we weren't afraid, we would probably be psychopaths in that sense. But, uh, but it's good in those scenarios. So looking at the attributes of, of, of where anxieties exist in my life that have been good— well, remembering back to when I started playing the cello and I, and I could practice for 3 hours a day. Sure, there could be unhealthy things about that, but that obsessive focus led me to grow in my experience in that and become very proficient. You know, certainly there were other things like the obsessive focus of actually going to an AA meeting every single day helped me to, to, to, you know, learn to be a sober alcoholic. And, uh, and that was a superpower. So, so being able to redefine it in that way, you know, empowered it. It made anxiety my friend. And I still feel anxiety to this day. I had a panic attack a couple weeks ago, and those things still exist with me. But I can now, having known what, what they are and known how they come about and being able to name it, you know, it's something that I can get through now. And it's something that I could work through and I could be stronger for it.

Yeah, it's so essential for us to really realize that some of these things that we have with us, and as you said earlier, I think you said you thought part of yours is probably genetic. I think part of mine is genetic as well. We can, we can fight them. And that's, I found that's the worst thing to do is try to fight a panic attack, by the way, if anybody's ever had one. Fighting it just makes it worse. Or we can learn to lean into it, right? And we can learn to— how do I, how do I deal with this? I love what you said about, you know, using this as your superpower, your, your, your, your ability to focus on things, the ability to take your fear instead of saying it's going to make— it's going to lead me to inaction— what I'm going to use this for, to create some action in my life. So, so we've— you've got the anxiety disorder You were getting, you know, the kind of numbing up the alcohol. And then so we now we're overcoming alcoholism. So tell me about what's your state of health here at this point when you're overcoming alcoholism and you decide you want to become a triathlete?

Well, it's a, it's, you know, I think the seed, seed for Ironman in particular was planted many, many years earlier. I had been watching TV maybe 15 years ago. So I was still in the midst of being an alcoholic, an active alcoholic. And having that anxiety. I was watching television one afternoon and this show came on where this empowering music and you see the island of Hawaii. And that of course gave me a Pavlovian response because I love everything Hawaii. And I saw, I was tuned in and then I saw these people doing like running and cycling and swimming. And the announcer came on and started talking about these distances, said swimming 2.4 miles, biking 112 miles, running 26.2 miles. So these amazing distances, I'm like, wow, how many days does it take those people to do that? And the announcer says, this is all in one day.

And I'm like, wow.

So it was just incredible. And I'm like, how do people do that? That's insane. That's crazy. And then I watched these people crossing the finish line, many of them in the dark, many of them would after, you know, way into the night, and they were crossing. They had smiles on their faces, you know, they were in their 50s, their 60s, one of them was even in their 80s. And I was just like, my gosh, these people are finishing something amazing. They've got this smile on their face. There must be something to that. And after seeing that, after witnessing that, my mind went to this idea of like, how cool would it be if I could do something like that? But in that mental state that I was in, you know, the first that there's a twinge of fear in my mind that pops up, like, you know, when, when you, when you really get excited about something, and when you think of something like that you really want to go toward, you have that little twinge of fear in that pit of your stomach, and, and it just pops up. And at that point, I, I had these, you know, those two choices. I could lean into comfort now, or I could lean into that idea. But my mind immediately shot it down, that self-doubt that, uh, that, that fear just said, no, you can't do that. You're an alcoholic. You're, you'll get you, you're drinking all day long. You're, you're, you're smoking cigarettes. You're completely unhealthy and you're not a triathlete. You can't do that. And I listened to it and I said, okay. So I, you know, so I didn't think about it again for, you know, quite a few years until, until I was sober and there was there was always something that was said in the rooms of recovery that resonated with me, uh, in a particular way. And I think it hit my anxiety in the right place, uh, hit my anxiety superpower in the right place. Because they, they'd always, uh, people with a lot of sobriety had always said, don't make any major life changes until you have, uh, within the first year of sobriety. And the reason they say that is because you need to focus 100% on sobriety in order to make sure, you know, it's working. And major life changes can throw a wrench into that. But the way that I interpreted that was, once you hit a year of sobriety, make a major life change. And that's like, that was kind of the obsessive nature of it. And so I was, I had a year sober. And I was actually recovering from a shoulder surgery from, from an injury that I'd had doing some, something, some stupid workout program that I'd done that just didn't make sense. And, and I I was thinking to myself of, you know, the fact that I had a year of sobriety and really, uh, really grateful for the fact that I could do this thing that I never thought that I could do, which was get sober. I mean, I never thought that I could get sober. It was just something that was— I was so dependent on it. And but here I was sober and able to deal with life and able to move and function on. I'd moved past all of the legal issues that I'd had and, and, and, and started to, you know, be productive again. I was a good— I was engaging with my family, and things were great. And I, uh, I was just sitting there, what can, what can change? What can a major life change be? And I started thinking about my physical health because I'd focused so much on my spiritual and mental health, but I hadn't focused on my physical health yet. Uh, that's just something I had neglected. And so I decided, well, maybe that's something that would, you know, round out the circle. Maybe that's something that would really help my overall health would be to focus on physical health. And so I started kind of thinking about that, and I remembered back on that time when I watched the Ironman on television for the first time, and those same feelings started coming up. I started remembering the people cross the finish line. I started remembering all of these scenes of Hawaii, and, and then that thought entered my mind again. How cool would it be if I could do that? And then that twinge of fear came back, that, that little point of, you know, that pit in the stomach, and I had those two choices again. But this time my brain told me something different. It told me, what if? It said, what if? You know, that new frame of mind, that new mindset that I'd had of, of working on my spiritual and mental recovery, you know, gave me this different mindset. And that's when the snowball started turning. I started researching Ironman and looking into how to get there. And, and my first thought was, you know, I want to do that one in Hawaii, because that's the one that I want to do. That, that looks like fun. And so I started to, I typed into Google, how can I, how can I sign up for Ironman Hawaii? And I quickly found out that you can't just sign up for Ironman Hawaii. You have to qualify. You have to be one of the top people in the sport. And so then I just started asking, okay, well, um, how can I just do an Ironman? And I, so I started looking into that and I found a race that I could, I could do, um, you know, to happen in about a year. I signed up for it without ever having, you know, trained for triathlon in the past or anything.. And I signed up for it and I decided to kind of build the parachute on the way down. Um, and that's kind of how, how that started.

Wow. Okay. So you just said, I'm going to sign up for this before you started training, huh?

Right.

Yeah.

It, it became, it just immediately became the passion that I wanted to do. And the doc, my doctor who had done the surgery, you know, told me you can't run, you know, bike or swim for this, this long, you know, and, and And so what it forced me to do, and one thing I'm very grateful for in retrospect, at the time it was very frustrating because I wanted to go out and run. I wanted to go out and train for this thing. But what it forced me to do is it forced me into patience, you know, forced me into this idea of accepting my limitations at that time so that I could begin to get over them. And so I had the very first step I had to do in training for an Ironman was to walk. I just had to go out and walk. And that was it. And, um, and gradually over time, you know, as I healed, I could start to swim, you know, some laps, and then I could start to bike, and I could start to maybe jog a little bit. But each of those things were progressive, and they started off easy, they started off slowly. And that was a, that was a huge lesson for me at that time, was that, you know, when we're starting anything, it really starts with where we're at now. You know, we can't jump right into where we want to be. Because that's frustration, that's injury, that's burnout. But starting with where we're at now, on anything we want to do is, is key, and then just leveling up gradually from there.

We'll get back to Grief to Growth in just a few seconds. Did you know that Brian D Smith is an author and a life coach? If you're grieving or know someone who is grieving, his book Grief to Growth is a best-selling, easy-to-read book that might help you or someone you know. People work with Brian as a life coach to break through barriers and live their best lives. You can find out more about Brian and what he offers at www.grieftogrowth.com, www.grief, the number 2, growth.com. If you'd like to support this podcast, visit www.patreon.com/grieftogrowth www.patreon.com/Grief2Growth to make a financial contribution. And now back to Grief 2 Growth.

Wow, that's so incredible. And I love what you said earlier about kind of like the what-if thing that you, that you went through. And I'm wondering if you're— and I think you even said that your ability to get over or to become sober led you to believe, like, what else can I do, you know? And that's the thing we do, we put limitations on ourselves. And I watched those Ironman things, I watched people do ultimate, you know, training stuff, and I'm still one of the people says, yeah, I can't do that. I, I, I walk a few miles every day. I hate running, you know. And so for me to say, I, I look at people that run 26 miles, just, just the running part of it seems beyond the scope of, of human ability.

Yeah. And that's what's so powerful about that sport. I think is it, that sport in particular, triathlon in particular, gives us this unique, uh, unique ability to, to safely do things that we think aren't possible. I mean, our, our first reaction in our mind is, I can't do that. That's 3 sports at this in the same day. It's silly. It's ridiculous. And then you do it. And not only that, but it's an achievement-oriented sport. There's a finish line. There's a, you know, there's, there's a medal that comes with it. So you get to the finish line and you've achieved that thing that you never thought was possible. And that's what I love about it is, is that idea that, you know, it does kind of give us that ability to, it doesn't have to be triathlon, by the way. I mean, there's, you know, uh, because I can understand people that don't, don't like doing that. We all have our own tolerances of what we do and don't like. Um, but I do challenge anybody that has that twinge of, of, of excitement that, that pops up when they think about something, and then that fear comes up, and then they have those two choices to just lean into the what if. Because a lot of times that can really shape our journey into a very positive place, an empowering place.

Yeah, I, I, I love that the, the people— the fact that people do this, because we're not gonna all do Ironmans, as you said. But it shows that we can do things that we may not think we can do, and it could be that or something else. But I'm curious, how did your wife react when you said, um, I signed up for the Ironman in a year?

Yeah, she, uh, she was amazingly supportive. So one of the things was that I was in no condition when I signed up for an Ironman to do an Ironman, and so it was very out of character for me. And so the idea of telling anybody about it was, was out of the question because I just, I didn't want to be embarrassed. I didn't want to be humiliated by people that would laugh at me and say, no, no, no, why don't you think of a 5K or something like that first. Don't do that. But the one person I did tell was my wife. And, you know, I went to her because she's, you know, obviously the first one that will— she's been with me through everything. She's an amazing person and, uh, amazingly supportive and would be the first person to say, you know, sweetie, maybe you should think of something different, or maybe, maybe this, or But regardless, I know that it would be coming from a place of love. And so I told her about it and, you know, her first reaction was, oh yeah, yeah, you should do it. And so then my, my thought was, oh crap, now I have to do it. So, so yeah, she was, she was incredibly supportive of it and, uh, and continued to be until today. She even eventually did two of her own Ironman races over time too. Yeah, many, many triathlons.

You know, it's, it's really great to have that person to support you like that, to have someone. And my wife is the same way, you know. I'll say I want to do something, she's like, yeah, why don't you go ahead and do that, you know. Um, and it's great to have that person in your corner because I was going to ask you about— sometimes people say, well, when you set a big goal like this, you should make it public. Um, and I don't know what your feelings are about that, but I think on a goal that big, that might be a little— I could see why that would be scary.

Yeah, yeah. And I'm torn on that because— and I think it really depends on the individual's motivation, on, on how they can handle that. Because some of us, myself included, handle— maybe, and maybe it comes from the, the background of the social anxiety and the fear of like being in front of people— we really care what people think of us. I mean, I, I really care what people think of me, and that's that to a fault. And so if somebody comes at me and says, oh man, you're crazy, why would you do that? You've never even done this.

It would be—

it would, it would hit me in the wrong places. But for some people, you know, that accountability, maybe they hear that and they think to themselves, well, I'm going to show you. That's motivation for me to go and do it better. Um, so I think it's important for us to really acknowledge the type of person that we are and the, the, the way that we want to receive feedback. 'Cause, and the way that we're motivated. But I also will say that doing that in a safe way, getting back to the point of sobriety, when I first went into AA, I was very intimidated because, you know, because, you know, again, you have people with a lot of sobriety and they're gonna be telling me what I'm doing wrong. And I don't, you know, I don't like that, but going in and recognizing that that is a community of support That was the reason that I was able to get sober, was that community. So community is hugely important when we're doing something that is, you know, empowering to us. So I think, I think the best first step for anything like that is, is really to find the right type of community support. You know, you don't— it doesn't have to be the people that don't understand what you're trying to do and don't understand it, but Take Ironman, for instance. There are plenty of people that came from a background of non-athleticism and, and, you know, going from— and they would be 100% ready to support people like that. And I think that that exists in any kind of— in any kind of community like that. But finding that community is really important.

Yes, absolutely, 100%. Uh, finding— finding community, you know, and the work that I do, work with people in grief, and especially people who have had children pass away I think it's extremely important to find someone that's going to support you. And as you were saying that, a parallel I was thinking about sometimes when we have experiences with our children that are across the veil, after-death communications, you want to tell someone about it. But a lot of people you tell will say, well, that's just your imagination. Poor you, you're in grief now, you're hallucinating. And other people will say, yes, I understand what you're saying. You know, I've had the same type of experience. So it's important to find a safe community to share this with. I think that's maybe the lesson is, you know, if I'm going to go out and do an Ironman, find someone that's not going to tell me I'm crazy, or someone who says nobody can do that, you have to be an elite athlete. So someone that's going to say, yeah, you could do that if you put your mind to it.

Yeah, that's a great point. Yeah, safe community. I really like that concept. That's a— it's— and that's— I, I believe in that wholeheartedly. Uh, community is one of the first steps towards accountability on these kinds of things.

So I, you know, and I know, um, when you started this journey, you had to change your eating habits, and that's another thing that's a challenge for some of us. So you, you had to say goodbye to cheeseburgers. How did that go for you?

Yeah, well, I, I didn't, I didn't do very well at saying goodbye to cheeseburgers, 100%. But, but yeah, no, I, I, uh, I, I think that that was an important part, and, um, and something that's constantly evolving for me is, is my relationship with nutrition. When I first started out, I did, you know, jump on the bandwagon of diet culture, of the idea of, you know, of making sure I was counting calories and doing all of this stuff. But what I quickly learned within the, within, you know, endurance sport, calories are super important. You know, eating carbohydrates are very important. And that, that it wasn't about restricting, restricting food. It was just about developing a healthy relationship with food. And it's one thing that I'm discovering a lot more now and learning a lot more about as I have loved ones who are struggling with eating disorders and that our diet culture isn't doing us many favors right now by promoting things like restriction or or, um, you know, making us feel shame about the way our bodies are. But it really is about my, my response to how I, how I, uh, my relationship with nutrition is that I want an abundance of healthy nutrition. An abundance. It's all about abundance to me and in those kinds of areas of life because that you know, just, just make sure I can get an abundance of nutrients and a bunch of abundance of, of healthy foods rather than, you know, trying to say I'm not going to eat that, that donut because it's bad for me or something like that. It's just, it's, uh, it's, it's really shaping the relationship with food into something where it's a healthy and non-toxic relationship.

Yeah, I like that because we do, we have a weird relationship with food in our society. I mean, it seems like it's one extreme or the other. I made the mistake on Facebook the other day. I clicked on an ad for some diet something, and now my feed is just inundated with all these things about, you know, diet stuff and all, and all that kind of stuff. And, um, you know, it's, it's really easy to get caught up in that. And then people are like, I— gluten is bad now, no, no gluten, everything's, you know, gluten-free. And then it was fat-free a few years ago.

Yeah, yeah, it's, it's always— there's always elements of our diet where it's take this thing out And it's like, well, you know, when you're talking about removing fat or removing carbohydrates, you're removing entire macronutrient from your diet. You have to be careful with that. I mean, that's not something that can be advertised as a supplement. That's got to be something you should talk with about your— with your doctor, you know, and maybe even a psychologist or your therapist, because those kinds of things are rooted in our physical and mental health. So, I mean, those are things that we really have to think very deeply through rather than just looking at maybe a muffin topper or a lack of six-pack abs and saying, you know, I want, I want, I want this. I'm going to do it at all costs, maybe costing our health if we're developing a toxic relationship with food.

Yeah. So I'm curious, what's your, what's your— and I'm hesitant to use workout, but what is your exercise What does it look like for you today? I mean, are you still doing Ironmans or training for those, or how, where, where are you now?

Yeah. COVID kind of put a, put a damper on a lot of the racing and stuff for a couple of years. So I haven't raced in a couple of years, but I do have a couple of races on the schedule though. I've, I've scaled it back a bit. I've focused a little bit more on, um, on, on the aspect of trying to help others to get into the sport or, or, you know, with the anxiety part of it. But I've, um, but I'm doing a little— I'm mainly just doing it for fun and recreation now rather than just trying to, trying to really elevate myself to a higher level. So I think that's the balance I'm trying to find, is to balance that, uh, that ideal to do the absolute best I can in a particular sport versus, you know, having fun with it.

Yeah.

Yeah. So, you know, I, I'm thinking, um, You know, I was telling you before we got started, you know, about your story. Like, you know, so you went out, you ran an Ironman, you gave up alcohol, and you've, you know, cut back on the cheeseburgers, all that stuff. That sounds really hard for some of us. We really, we really like that, that comfort in this moment, I guess it is. So what would you say to someone? How do we get started on doing, making these kinds of transformations?

Yeah, I would say, um, you know, the The first thing I would say is, is, is think about what's really exciting to you. Think about that, that, that really extreme goal that scares you a little bit. You know, again, it doesn't have to be the Ironman World Championship, but when I first started, I, you know, put that at the top of my pedestal was the Ironman World Championship. I want to qualify for that one day.

Yeah.

And then I just kind of worked my way backwards to, um, because we have a tendency to And I had a tendency when I was always getting into exercise, I fell into that trap. I was like, I want six-pack abs. How do I get six-pack abs? Well, this person has them and he's telling me to do this program. So I'm going to work out as hard as he does. And then I would burn myself out or injure myself. I think we do that in a lot of cases, but whether it's training for an Ironman or playing a musical instrument or starting a business, work your way back from, you know, what your dream is, you know, take every step backward until you get to that point where you get to where you're at right now. And then there's, there's a next step, something that you say, yeah, I could do that if I push maybe 5% beyond my comfort zone. And, uh, you know, it could be, say, if you're wanting to do an Ironman triathlon down the line, that could be just getting in the pool and floating on your back. I mean, for a lot of people that, that's terrifying, you know, putting your toes in the pool and getting in and, and, and just starting that. You don't have to jump into the deep end. You just have to maybe learn to float. And then once you can master that part of it, Then you move on to swimming 25 yards. And once you master that and you just take those steps until eventually you're at that point where you're right before that, that, that dream that you've had. And, and that's the very next step. And so I would just say, start where you're at. A lot of us miss that very next step. Start where you're at, find the community of support, find that, find that safe and supportive community. And then just start doing it and remember to rest and recover. Um, you know, because oftentimes we'll push ourselves in those first few weeks until we burn out, but we have to remember that rest is important, that, that whatever we're doing, make sure we're resting and recovering and learning to miss it for a day or two or whatever time. So I know that's a lot to start with, but those would be the first keys.

No, I think that's, that's very, very important. Um, cause I, I see so many people starting on journey of whatever it is and setting that big goal. And I don't— I'm not, I'm not opposed to setting big goals, but then when we can't get there, then we get frustrated and we give up. Or we look at and say, well, look at where I am today, I'll never be able to, to run a marathon. But people that run marathons, as you said, they don't— you don't start off running 26 miles. You can just put on your shoes and run 26 miles. And I've known some people that have trained for marathons and, you know, I think— I'm not gonna say anybody can do it, but more of us can do it than think can do it. It's just a matter of putting our mind to it and taking those, those small steps. And yeah, and, and using that, using what we have, you know, like, you know, taking the anxiety we have and that actually turning that to our favor. That's a really important thing. Whatever it is that we have, we've got these unique traits about ourselves, I'll call— say it, and they can either be hindrances, or they can be tools, and we can decide to transform. I love— that's what I love about what your, your journey has been, is saying, okay, I'm gonna take this anxiety that I'm dealing with, this obsessiveness that I have, and I'm going to use it to my advantage.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'll, I'll say that, you know, it sounds like what I said was, or was that I want to— I, I signed up for an Ironman, and that was like, that was like the focus, but The second that I signed up for that Ironman, I look back and I worked back to where I was at that moment. And again, I started walking, but, you know, throughout the course of that year, I started with a, uh, I started with a half marathon. Then I moved up to a sprint triathlon, like just a really short, uh, uh, short triathlon. Then I moved to an Olympic distance triathlon. Then I moved to a half distance. So I had, I built all that experience over the course of that time. And as I did that, and as I had that safe community, the community of people that believed in me was expanding because once they saw that I did the sprint triathlon, it's like, oh, he's a triathlete now. And then, you know, it expanded then. And then suddenly it became the way people looked at me. And, and so that, that was, that was an important part of it is, and I can't stress enough, I think it's so important what you say there is, is taking that big goal, and it's good to have those big goals, but then, then once you have it, you know, start looking down at that very next one and then put your obsessive focus on that and make it a SMART goal. Make it something that you know can be achievable, something that's specific, measurable, you know, uh, relatable. Uh, I got those out of order. SMART, so A first, so achievable, relatable, and then, uh, time-bound. And then, you know, work up from there.

Yeah, well, I'm a big believer that success breeds success. So when I work with people, set goals, I'm like, let's set a goal that you can achieve, you know, if it's, if it's starting a new habit of meditating every day, you know, some people, they'll sit down and say, well, I'll try meditating half an hour every day. That's a big goal for most people. What if we start with 3 minutes? Okay, what if we could meditate 3 minutes before we get out of bed in the morning? And so What the thing about your— what you're talking about, we can all look at and say, well, I'm probably not going to do an Ironman. I don't have— I don't have the time. I don't have the inclination. It's— this is not just about doing an Ironman. This is about anything in life that you want to achieve and using the tools that you have to, to get there and breaking it down into steps that you can do and having the belief that you can do it.

Yeah, yeah. And that's an important point too, is, is that belief is maintaining that belief in yourself. We're all, we're all going to fall short of that, you know, we're all going to, we're all going to have days where we experience that self-doubt, and, and those days may be more often than not, but, um, but just doing the exercises to, to help us to shift our mindset, um, because a lot of what we do in any regard is 90% mindset And then the rest is just execution. So focus on, on training that mindset first into a positive one, or one where you believe in yourself. That's the first step.

So, and I'm curious, how do you, how do you work with people today? I know you, you do, uh, you do coaching. So how do you, how do you do that with people?

Yeah. So I have a few different platforms on that. I do coach some one-on-one triathletes and things like that. I also have a, a beginner platform that helps absolute beginners, people who've never done a triathlon in their lives. To get to that point where they can do a sprint triathlon. Because I know that, that I, in my experience, that was one of the more difficult challenges was finding the resources, finding the education, finding the way, answering the dumb questions I had to get me past that hump to get my first triathlon done. And those steps are always the most difficult. So I've put a platform together to help people to do that. And, uh, um, and that's, that's something that I have on, on my website at extralifefitness.com. Uh, it could be found there. It's a, it's a simple 12-week course. And, and yeah, I also am available always to talk about anxiety and how we can help rise above it. And, and yeah, those, those are the kinds of ways I work with, with people, but I'm always able to help on those, on those fronts.

Cool.

Well, I know in your book, you tell your story mostly in chronological order. But you do intersperse some of your future successes in there. Why did you decide to to tell it that way?

Well, I, what I found was that, uh, when I, uh, within my races, within, so I had these race anecdotes that would start and, and stagger each chapter of the chronology of my story.

Mm-hmm.

And each of those, it in an Ironman is a very long race and something will go wrong and something unexpected will happen. A lot of things that are in our control and out of our control, and we'll, we'll have to adapt. And so I found that a lot that an Ironman race is a lot like life and a lot like the experiences I had. And so putting those chapters in there the way that I did allowed me to share that even in, uh, you know, even in this empowered state and, and, and, and, uh, healthy way that I was living now, there were still challenges that I faced. And a lot of them were overlapping with the challenges that I faced when I was drinking or when I was going through those those, uh, early challenges I had. The difference was how my mindset shifted on it and how I could overcome it. But that we still, regardless of how we can rise above our challenges, we still face challenges and they help us grow.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So, um, I want to tell people like where they can find you, your website, um, make sure we get the title of your book on here so people can, can find your book. Um, and then we'll wrap up from there.

Sure. Yeah. I, uh, so Shifting Gears is the book, uh, Shifting Gears from Anxiety and Addiction to a Triathlon World Championship. And that's available on Amazon. And you can also find it on my website, which is adamhilltri.com, adamhilltri.com. And there you'll also find links to my coaching, my book, my, uh, uh, and any kind of engagements that I have going forward. Cool.

Um, anything you want to say to the listeners that we haven't been able to cover today? I mean, just any last thoughts?

Yeah, I would just say if you're struggling, if you're at any of those points where, uh, hopelessness feels like it's overwhelming and that, that it is— that there is no hope for any future and you're faced with that, that choice that I, you know, that I had when I was, um, when I was arrested, please lean into the help. Because I can tell you 100% that regardless of how hopeless it feels right now, the miracle that exists in this life beyond that, beyond that, if we live, if we, if we, if we go forward, if we lean into the help, if we open our mind and we humble ourselves in that process, that the miracle is so worth it and it's so beautiful. So please just stick with that. And that's, that's the message I would have. There's hope.

Well, that— yeah, I have nothing more to add to that. Adam, it was, uh, it was really great getting to know you and helping to, to share your story. That's, that's so, uh, inspirational and instructive for all of us. So, uh, thank you for, for being so vulnerable to share this and for being here today.

Thank you, Brian. It was, it was an honor to be here. I appreciate it so much.

All right, have a good rest of your day.

You too. Thanks.

Thanks for listening to Grief to Growth. Brian hopes that you find this episode helpful, and will come back for future episodes. Brian's bestselling book, Grief to Growth: Planted, Not Buried, is a great resource for anyone who is coping with grief or knows someone who is. If you enjoy the podcast and would like to support it, there are 3 things you can do to help. The first is to share the podcast with someone that you think it will help. The second is to go to iTunes, rate and review the episode. The third way you can support the podcast is by becoming a patron. Head over to www.patreon.com/grief2growth. That's P-A-T-R-E-O-N.com/grief, the number 2, growth, and sign up to make a small monthly donation. Patrons get access to exclusive bonus content and knowledge that you are helping to spread the message of grief to growth. For more about Brian and grief to growth, visit www.grief2growth.com.

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