From Silver Spoon to Rock Bottom: Carrington Smith's UNBELIEVABLE Comeback Story!

You know you need something, you're just not sure what. You've been listening, you're doing the work, but there's still this feeling that you're circling the same place, like you're waiting for the thing that finally moves you. Now maybe you've thought about working with me one-on-one. Maybe something's held you back, the timing, the money, or you're just not sure you're ready yet. I get that. And I want you to know there's still a place for you. I built a resource for exactly this moment, guided meditations for when the waves hit and you just need to breathe. Workbooks to help you get out of your head and onto the page, ebooks on what near-death experiences tell us about the people we've lost, and whether they're really gone, a full course for widows and widowers who are ready to find their way back to living, and a full course for the evidence of the afterlife. And all of it is available for pay what you want. Nobody gets turned away because of money. I think these resources are valuable, but I don't want to hold them back because you don't have the money to pay for them. You don't have to wait until you're ready for coaching. The next step might be a lot smaller than you think. To find out, go to grief2growth.com/store. That's grief, the numeral 2, growth.com/store. And check out the resources I've made for you. Hey everybody, this episode is with Carrington Smith, and Carrie does a great job in this episode of talking about how we can find gifts, Even in the Shit of Life. And that's the actual title of her book. Carrie talks about what she's been through, and she's been through quite a bit. We can all find things wrong with our life. But the key to being happy is finding things that are right in your life. And you might want to— you might be thinking, how do I do that? Well, listen to this episode with Carrie to figure out how do I find the things that are right in my life? We'll be right back right after the break.

Hi there, welcome to Grief to Growth Podcast. Your host is Brian D Smith, spiritual seeker, bestselling author, grief survivor, and life coach. Brian believes that the worst tragedies of life provide the greatest opportunity for growth. Brian says he was planted, not buried, and he is here to help you grow where you've been planted by the difficulties in life. In each episode, Brian and his guests will share what has helped them to survive and thrive. It is his sincere hope this episode helps you today.

Hey everybody, this is Brian D Smith back with another episode of Grief 2 Growth. And I have a really great guest for today. I'm sure you guys are going to be excited to meet her. Her name is Carrington Smith. She's written a book called Blooming. And I'm going to talk— I'm going to read her bio, and then I'll bring her in. And we'll just start by having a conversation. I think she and I have a lot in common. This should be interesting. The book Blooming is candid and raw and takes you on a treasure hunt to discover, discover the gifts in the shit. Shit is quite literally fertilizer. It's in the messes, the failures, the trauma, and difficulties of life that we discover what we need to bloom into our greatness. So from trauma to triumph through the depth of sexual assault, religious, religious mindfuckery— these are Carrington's words— family rejection, body dysmorphia, mind, midlife metamorphosis, physical scarring and death into happiness, into happiness, forgiveness, empathy, purpose, belonging, and joy. Blooming is a poignant, powerful account of finding your way through the shit. Carrington is a single mom. She's an attorney, she's a business owner, and she's an executive search professional. And despite being born with a silver spoon in her mouth, life gave her a hard kick in the tail, and she survived sexual assault, two divorces, piles of debt, abuse, religious mind games, the death of loved ones, and the loss of close friends. So in her best-selling debut memoir, which is what we're going to talk about today, she combines wit and wisdom to share her journey through the shit with a positive attitude and a shift of mindset into a life bursting with joy, opportunity, and purpose. So with that, I want to welcome to Grief to Growth, Carrington Smith.

Thank you so much for having me, Brian.

Yeah, I'm really looking forward to having the conversation. We were talking before I hit the record button that we do seem to have a lot in common. And our philosophies of life. And some of the things we've been through have been kind of similar too. So tell me about, about your, your life. You— it sounds like you were born kind of with a silver spoon in your mouth, but you've gone through quite a bit between there and where you are now.

Yeah. Well, part of the reason I claim that, you know, being born with a silver spoon in my mouth is I think people make judgments based on sort of that initial, like, oh, it looks like she lives this fabulous life. And they're 90, 95% of the time incorrect, these judgments, you know, that people make about people. So yeah, I was born into a family that, um, my great-great-grandfather founded International Paper Company. Uh, I had another grandparent that had a stock or had a seat on the New York Stock Exchange, founded multiple banks, you know, multiple companies, hung out with You know, the Astors, the Rockefellers, the DuPonts. I mean, they had the houses like on Long Island, like The Great Gatsby. I mean, it was that kind of life they lived. And by the time you get to my generation, um, some parts of my family still had money, but in particular, none of that got to me. And so there was, I was expected to live up to the standards of that background. So there were, extremely high standards as far as academics, and a lot of my family was very athletic. So athletic achievement and social standing were the things that were emphasized, but I didn't have any of the emotional or financial psychological support to achieve any of those things. So in my particular family, my parents, um, became fundamentalist Christians. I know we have that background in common. And with those beliefs, my father believed that the firstborn son, which was my brother, should get, you know, preference for most everything. And he did. And then my sister was the firstborn daughter, and I was, I was the baby or the runt of the litter. So my sister was given a lot of things I wasn't given. And just to kind of help people understand the stark contrast, My sister went to this boarding school that my grandmother and my mother went to. It's— Oprah Winfrey sent, I think, one of her nieces or something there. It is to this day the most elite all-female boarding school in the world. And so it was very important to my grandmother and mother that, that my sister go, but they took a look at me and said, yeah, not Carrie. So my sister, so she could go there, they asked me to transfer to public school. So I went to public school with— I mean, Everett is this very industrial town, so, um, you know, some, some Boeing people, because that's also where the— but one of the big Boeing plants are, but some pretty, you know, blue-collar folks. And my sister was hanging out with the private jet crew. So on her weekends, they would use one of her friends' private jets to go somewhere. So, you know, we're 18 months apart in age coming from the same family, but our lives could not have been more different. And then when she graduated from boarding school, she went to USC in Southern California, the university of spoiled children. And my parents asked me to go in-state. Because they were paying for my brother at Stanford and my sister at USC. And so I was asked, or actually asked is putting it nicely, I was told that I was going to go in-state. So I chose to go to Washington State University. We were living in Seattle at the time and attended there for a couple of years so that we could pay for my brother and sister. So that kind of helps you give people a little bit understanding. And then when I was at Washington State, I was raped. And that kind of, it's actually the first story I write about in the book and it kind of helps unfold a lot of my life philosophies and how, you know, how that event, that trauma, how I processed it and how I've actually learned to use it to serve me now. So.

Yeah, well, It sounds like you, you know, got off to a kind of a rough start in life. And so what is it that helped you to turn that around? At what point did you say, I'm going to do something with this?

Well, I think part of it is, you know, as we're growing up, we put our parents on a pedestal and we think that everything that they say is true and right. And that they are like, you know, they are sort of like gods to us. And for me, it took years of having a lot of really bad things happen, really at the hands of my parents, neglect, abuse, you know, being compared to my siblings negatively, favoritism, not being there when I was raped, not being there to support me, in fact, rejecting me because of it. Learning to finally grasp the fact that these things were what they were. I think a lot of times we just think that's how we're treated and that's what we deserve, but actually being able to put a label on it and someone said, you know, you were neglected or you were abused. And it was like, I was? I mean, helping to put a label on it really helped me then to heal from it and move on. And I mean, I went through a lot of therapy. A lot of dark days, a lot of depression. Um, but, you know, I think doing the hard work, um, and always looking to grow and get better— I mean, that's just that very— that seed, that core desire to get to the other side helps you, um, seek out therapy. But it was really those moments when I was looking back on the events that happened to me that I had one of the big epiphanies that helped me move forward. And so let me just give you an example. Sure. My father being a fundamentalist Christian, he actually thought he was a prophet. And we went from, you know, we started out Episcopalian and he ended up, he now has a home church. So there was a whole arc there of progression. And he was, he was a very scary guy, physically, but even more so mentally, getting in your head and using scriptures, twisting scriptures to make you feel less than and to manipulate you to do what he wanted. And I grew up walking on eggshells and really living in fear of my father. And someone asked me, this was, you know, probably 15 years ago, you know, what is one of your greatest gifts? And that was easy. I was like, intuition. Like, I have— I mean, some people suggest I was psychic. I don't think that, but my intuition is so fine-tuned. I can walk in a room and pick up on so many things that it won't even register with other people. And they asked me, well, where do you think you got that gift? And I thought about it and I said, I got that gift from walking on eggshells. It was my childhood, was my training ground for this gift of intuition. I had to— it was a survival skill, right? So I had to constantly be aware of everything happening around me and pick up on things that other people couldn't in order to navigate my childhood. That conversation made me realize that if I was grateful for the gift of intuition, I must also be grateful for the path that birthed it. I could not separate those two things. And in that moment, I suddenly had gratitude for my past. And it just was such— it was a shift for me. Um, I, I then began to go back and look at at these other shitty, horrible experiences and say, well, what other gifts are there buried there? What, what else can I claim from these experiences that I've had? And I uncovered things like, you know, grit, emotional resilience, collaboration, leadership, just all these different life skills that came out of the hardest events in my life. And understanding that, it, it also helped my mindset change so that now as horrible things happen, my eye is on what am I getting out of this? Where's the opportunity in the adversity? Or where is the gift in this? And so as bad things happen, it's a mindset. So here, I'll give you another quick example. Um, If you say you get a flat tire and you're stuck in the highway, flat tire, you call AAA, your day is shot. You're going to be stuck out there waiting for an hour. Most people are like, you know, my day's gone to hell. This sucks. I'm screwed. That's where their head goes, right? With this shift in mindset, when something like that happens, I immediately go, huh, there is a gift in here somewhere. How do I view this event? Instead of viewing it as, gosh, you know, flat tire, got to buy a new tire, blah, blah, blah, it is, wow, I have the gift of an extra hour in my day. I got pulled out of this crazy hamster wheel that I have been on. God made me stop. And take stock. I have an hour now to call that friend I've been meaning to talk to. I have an hour now to listen to that podcast I've been meaning to listen to. These are the gifts. So as opposed to focusing on, oh, my day is screwed, my mind immediately goes to, what's the opportunity here? What's the gift? What am I meant to reflect on because this just happened to me? And it becomes, you know, mindset's a muscle. So it's, my brain has now become trained that every time something bad happens, I'm like, okay, what am I supposed to get out of this? What's the lesson? Let me learn it quickly so I don't have to go through this more than once, right?

Right. So I'm curious, when you, um, started to make the shift— you, because you said you were, you were raped in, in college, and I think you had some financial issues and stuff too— so when, um, did you make this shift on your own? Was it something that just came to you? Were you in therapy, or how did you, how did you end up doing this?

Well, with therapy for me, that really came down to sort of deprogramming. I had this, um, negative tape that was constantly being triggered. Um, the minute something bad happened or there was any kind of negative inference towards me, I would just go into this downward spiral of self-hatred and self-loathing. And What therapy did for me was help move me from that tape to an internal dialogue that was more about self-love than self-flagellation. And as I learned to talk to myself or have an internal dialogue that was more positive and more caring and more supportive to myself, it helped me let go of a lot of my anger. And move from anger and focusing on myself and what had been done to me to self-love and looking outward to what I could do for others and having empathy for others. So there's literally like this spectrum of, you know, self-hatred, anger, um, you know, what was done to me, to self-love what I can do for others, empathy, joy, purpose. And it was a journey. I mean, it's not something that just was a snap moment. It was doing the hard work, facing those things. As I like to say, you have to reach rage to reach forgiveness. Get angry about what happens, you know, like feel it, but let it pass through you so you don't hold on to it. I think that's where people get stuck. They either A, deny that they're angry or upset, say, I don't want to, I want to pretend this didn't happen to me. Big mistake. Or they stay in the anger or the muck and sit in it. You have to let it move through you, feel it, acknowledge it, but let it move through you. So then you can get to the other side, which is forgiveness, happiness, empathy, joy.

Yeah, I think that, that is just, wow, such a huge revelation. And like you, I went to therapy, I was probably close to 40 by the time I got around to it. But, you know, my life just was not working for me. I was having panic attacks. And the religious stuff was, you know, I was like, I thought I was a bad person, and God didn't love me and all this kind of stuff. And you would— you just say, I remember my therapist saying this to me, she's like, you have to feel those feelings that I denied when I was a child, the things that I didn't get, you know, because I always just said, well, I don't— I didn't really deserve them, or they did the best they could. And, you know, those are the things I was telling myself. And she said, but as a 5-year-old, you didn't know that. And that's what really kind of opened my eyes up.

Yeah, absolutely. That's so, so true.

Yeah.

So I'm curious how about your religious, your spirituality, and where you are on that, on that journey now, having come through that, or where do you— how did you process that?

Stay with us. We'll be right back.

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Well, boy, that was hard. Where I am today is I consider myself spiritual, not religious. I know we have that in common. I feel like religion is a trap that people use to impose their beliefs, morals, values, whatever, on others and to cause, cause shame or create shame or other negative things. I believe that God is a loving God. And I always go back to me, the most central thing is I think of Jesus and how he was, um, the person who loved the least of them, and that's who he chose to hang out with. And how he threw out the tax collectors and the Pharisees, and those people made him angry. And that helps give me clarity about who he is and what's— what he's about. And the most essential and important verse in the Bible is love thy neighbor as thyself. And I, I hold on to that. So when people judge other people, um, I'm like, you know, God told us not to judge. He told us to love. And so when people use religion to judge other people, I'm like, wait a second, that's fundamentally wrong. So I had just landed at a place where I have a great relationship with God, but it's about love and it's about showing up for other people. And spreading joy, making a difference in people's lives in whatever small way I can, whether that's a smile or a compliment or a prayer or a gift or, you know, whatever it is, a kind word. But, you know, it was a long way to get there. I mean, my father loved to manipulate scripture, and one of the scriptures that was his favorite was the commandment that we were to honor our father and mother.

Yeah, they love that one, don't they?

Don't they? And what he would say is, uh, it's the only command that comes with a promise, and that is if you honor your mother and father, you'll have a long life. And he twisted that to say, and likewise, it also comes with a curse. So if you don't honor your mother and father your life will be cut short. And so he actually sent me what I refer to as the demand letter, where he laid out all of his demands for what I was to do to honor him. And it was a very specific list of, at this point I was an adult, he was like, you know, each one of you three kids needs to host us for holidays. And you know, you need to make sure you give us gifts. And like, it was like a whole list. But what was so paramount that came out of that letter was that there was a curse. And I got the letter before my brother and sister, and I picked up the phone and I called them. I said, "Burn it. Don't open it. It's evil." Because it's the kind of thing that gets in your head you can't get rid of, right? I mean, it just eats at you. And that's just an example of what he would do. But it was constant where he would use scripture to manipulate behavior.

So, yeah, and that's, you know, it's— I, I've gone through toxic religion. I work with someone where we talk to people all the time about it. And it's just amazing how the thing that's supposed to teach us to love and bring us together can actually be manipulated, as you said, to do, to do the opposite.

Yeah.

And, and, you know, as you were talking about that letter that your father wrote, it just reminds me of— you talk about the law. This is literally him laying down the law.

Yeah.

To, to his adult child. But I guess by this point, you'd had enough self-confidence that you were able to put that aside.

Yeah, I really— his behavior, I guess, in some ways, his wild behavior helped because he'd actually sat me down and had this like 3-hour dinner where he told me he was a prophet, and that when I got to heaven, God was gonna affirm that because I was clearly like, yeah, right, Dad. Um, and his behavior had gotten wild enough that I was like, okay, this guy, you know, he's out there. So that kind of helped a little bit. But yeah, I mean, it still— it— when you have it constantly in your head, drummed into your head for, you know, 17, 18 years of your life of just this toxicity and these crazy beliefs, it's really hard to step away from that. And it, and it was after that letter, I divorced that first husband, I was on my second husband, that my therapist said, look, I really think that you would benefit from daily on-the-couch psychoanalysis. So 5 days a week on the couch for a year. Um, and that was really Talking through these beliefs, that, that these crazy beliefs, and help— she just would kind of ask questions. She was great. I mean, she would make me think about what I was saying, and I'd go, wait a second, that doesn't make sense, you know. And you kind of gradually— and you do sort of build self-esteem for that process because you realize on your own that, okay, this isn't right. And I did arrive at my own set of— I mean, I I believe in God. But I believe in a loving God. And so I just eschew all of that crazy— if you don't, you know, stand on your head and clap 3 times or whatever it is, whatever religion tells you to do, forget it. That's not what God's about.

So, you know, Cara, it's hard for people that haven't been through this to understand it. And I'm in this group on Facebook for people that have gone through this, and sometimes people that haven't, they're in the group and They're like, well, why would you ever believe that crazy stuff? But it goes back to what you said at the very beginning. When we're, when we're young children, we look at our parents as gods. I mean, they literally look at them as like all-knowing, and all the adults know everything. And they give this stuff and people don't understand that programming becomes a part of you and you feel like, and I don't want to put words in your mouth. But when that starts to fall away, how did that feel to you when you, when you start to say these beliefs aren't aren't real?

That— yeah, I mean, you start to feel a little crazy, right? I mean, I did. My father— we weren't even allowed to question his beliefs at all. So when you get out there in college and then later in law school, um, you know, finding out that there were different viewpoints and what they were, I was kind of like I, I really, I mean, I really mentally was lost. I, I couldn't make sense of the things that I'd been taught. They just didn't, and there was so much inconsistency in them too because he was constantly changing them. So I just couldn't make sense of what I've been told. So that kind of helped just put me on a journey of kind of figuring out what really mattered to me and what was important. Yeah.

Yeah. And that's the thing, you don't even realize until you get to a certain point that the things that you're believing are contradictory. You know, the God is love, but he's going to send all these people to hell for eternity.

Right.

And somehow people hold both these ideas in their heads at the same time. Until, like you said, you get to the point where you start to question it. But then, for me, it's kind of like a house of cards, when you start to pull that one thing out, you know, then the whole thing kind of collapses. And that we call that process deconstruction. And that can be a very scary process, which a lot of people avoid. They just say, I'm just gonna gloss this over. I'm not gonna, I'm not going to question.

Yeah. Well, I think a big part of it for me was also developing friendships with people that I hadn't previously even been exposed to. And realizing, like, my father's beliefs, they're just, I couldn't reconcile that God could believe what my father said he believed about. I have so many gay friends. And he was, he had, he was very anti-homophobic, or he was homophobic, he was anti-gay. He, I mean, his beliefs, I just, I couldn't make sense of them. I just couldn't see when God loved the least of them, why he, why he would then discard these people. I just, I couldn't reconcile. I mean, so I have extremely diverse friends, um, from all kinds of walks of life, you know, ethnicity, color, background, um, sexuality. And, you know, my perspective is just to love.

So yeah, well, like I said, they have these contradictory beliefs that they, that they put on us. And then with the big thing, don't question, because questioning is, is bad too. So it kind of— it's built in. It's a kind of a trap that I want people to understand when people look at you today. And I understand a little bit of the processes you've been through, that as you said, it's a process. It's not something that slips overnight. I heard you say you were in therapy for a long time. And yeah, I tell people, it's, it's a practice. It's a daily practice to, to break those things. And it's still, you know, sometimes you're like, well, maybe I'm, maybe I'm wrong, you know, maybe Maybe they were right, you know, that little voice in the back of your head.

Well, I have to say, for me, the most pivotal moment in my journey was when I stopped speaking to my father and cut him out of my life entirely. Hmm. This man who claims to be a Christian and tells everyone else he knows who Christians are, like he'll judge and say, well, they're not a Christian. He wrapped his hands around my son's neck and tried to strangle him. And that moment I was like, my, you know, the mama bear comes out, right? And I am like, you don't mess with my kids. You've done enough to me. You don't touch my kids. And so I was like, to my son, I was like, you never have to see that man ever again. He's not part of our life anymore. He's out. And I have to say, I wish someone had done that for me. I had a grandmother that was equally toxic, and I was constantly paraded in front of her because they wanted me to get her money and favor and whatever. And I was subject to some really just horrible treatment. And I was like, I don't care. This is my kid. You don't get to touch him psychologically, physically, spiritually.

Bye.

And that's when I was like, I am done with you. And when I closed that door and set that firm boundary, I finally myself could heal. What I came to realize is that these constant interactions with people that cause us these, you know, um, terrors and, and issues and thoughts about that just make us feel bad. Um, it's like an open wound that every time you interact with them, it's like the scab is picked off. It can never heal until you completely close the door and say goodbye and they have no access. That was when I finally began to heal, and that total separation helped me Also, to really go on more of a journey and embrace— I was like, look, you know, all of that was toxic and bad, and I want to create a loving, supportive environment for my children. And how do I do that? And what are we going to stand for? And what are we going to be about? And so that journey as well kind of helped me get to where I am.

Yeah, that's— I think that's an extremely important point, you know, because sometimes, especially again with the religious background, we were taught, you know, forgive, we have to forgive. And forgive it. And I'm a big believer in forgiveness, but I'm also a big believer in boundaries. Because, because we forgive someone doesn't mean we have to take abuse from that person, right?

And I think that one of the challenges in society today is people feel like, um, like particularly the parent-child relationship, they're like, oh, well, can't— he's your dad, can't you just forgive him? He's your dad, or she's your mom. You know, short of them being a murderer or a child molester, very few times do your friends or social circle give you the grace to say, "No, I've had enough," because they make this judgment that that relationship is more important than anything possible negative they could be doing in your life. And I am here to tell the world, if they can take one thing away from this, is you have permission to protect yourself and save your sanity. And it is okay to create a boundary between whatever toxic person, whether that's a parent or a sibling or a grandparent or a close friend or whoever it is, you have permission to create that boundary to separate yourself and heal. It is okay. And do not let anyone in your social circle or society tell you otherwise or make you feel guilty for creating that boundary. By creating that boundary, I could finally forgive my father when he was constantly offending and picking at me. All I felt was rage and anger. And I just finally, I could heal and forgive. And forgiveness is the greatest gift you can give yourself.

Wow, I've got goosebumps as you said that. I mean, that— you just said that so perfectly. Because people, again, they misunderstand this idea of forgiveness. Forgiveness is not for the other person. It's for ourselves. You know, as long as we're carrying that anger, that anger is toxic to us. And And as you said, now sometimes in extreme situations, and I would say your father's an extreme situation, you've got to draw a hard boundary where it's like, yeah, no, I can't, I can't do this anymore. And that person sounds like he's not likely to change. And you've— I love what you said about the mama bear too. There's something about our kids that really, that really triggers us, right? Because it's like, we're going to protect our kids at all costs. Yeah. Yeah, for me, one of the things was when my daughter was born, because I was, you know, I was hearing about this God that, you know, supposedly loves us, but sends us to hell and blah, blah, blah. And I looked at my daughter and I was like, okay, she could never do anything that, that I would punish, that I would be angry with her. I mean, I might be angry, but I would turn my back on her for never, no matter what she did, I would never turn my back on her. And if God supposedly loves me more than I love my child, then how could this be possibly true?. And so those, those that I remember that moment when I looked at my daughter, and I'm like, this is crazy. This doesn't make any sense.

We'll get back to Grief to Growth in just a few seconds. Did you know that Brian is an author and a life coach? If you're grieving or know someone who is grieving, his book Grief to Growth is a best-selling, easy-to-read book that might help you or someone you know. People work with Brian as a life coach to break through barriers and live their best lives. You can find out more about Brian and what he offers at www.grieftogrowth.com, www.grief, the number 2, growth.com, or text growth, G-R-O-W-T-H, to 31996. If you'd like to support this podcast, visit www.patreon.com/grieftogrowth, www.patreon.com/grieftogrowth. Grief2growth to make a financial contribution. And now back to Grief 2 Growth.

Yeah.

So, um, so I was gonna ask what your relationship with your father is like now, but it sounds like you've decided that, you know, you've— that's, that's it. So you have no relationship with them?

Yeah. I'm the happiest I've ever been, candidly. I'm the most at peace. I think a lot of times we carry around these emotions that are so toxic to us physically, right? I'm the most, like, relaxed and at peace within my— not just my mind, but my physical body. And I feel that I've released these emotions and let them go. And It's been a journey, but, um, I know that I'm in the right place. And my— I have two very healthy, well-adjusted, beautiful boys, one about to go to college, the one about to go after him. And they know that their parents love them, um, even though we're divorced. They know they've got two loving and supportive parents who work well together to co-parent. And they have a support structure, they never have to wonder if we're going to show up for them.

Wow. That's fantastic. Um, I also wanted to ask you, cause I know you talk openly about being sexually assaulted and I know that that's a lot more common than a lot of us would like to believe. So what advice do you have for women who have gone through that and as to how to deal with it?

Yeah. Well, the first piece of advice I have is, so in my situation, I was told that I could not talk about it. And I listened to my mother and my sorority sister and didn't talk about it. And so for 6 years, I didn't speak about it. And during that time period, I became very depressed. I, you know, before that point, I had been very straight-laced. I became promiscuous after I was raped. I was re— I was reenacting the event. I 'Cause I like to say I became the messenger for the message that I had received from the rapist. And I just kept reliving that trauma. They say that trauma is the monster under the bed. If you don't deal with it, it will own you. I did not know that. And what happened is it did own me. I mean, for 6 years of my life, it owned me. When I finally, and the first time I ever really talked about the rape, I wrote a short story. It's the first story I ever wrote about my life. I wrote about the rape and I did that to share with someone to help them understand why I was behaving oddly. And that just opened up for me learning that I could write. What I love about writing versus telling stories is there's no opportunity for someone to interrupt and interject with their filters and opinions. And a lot of times our friends tend to minimize our feelings, which is so unhealthy. Um, or reject them wholeheartedly, or, you know, say it wasn't that bad. When you write, you can just say, these are my feelings, this is what happened to me, this is my perspective. And there's no judgment when you write. There may be feedback later, right? But in that moment, it's unfiltered, and there's not— there's no pressure to change how you're feeling. And so What I learned from, um, being raped was, A, it was really critical to face it and deal with it. But as I went through my journey, and I write about this, I really hope people do pick up the book because this is one of the best chapters. I feel like it's the most helpful for anybody who's been through this because I literally take the reader on a journey of how I went through this and what books I read, what shows I watched, you know, all of that, how I arrived at where I am today. But I came to a place of realizing that if we look at the shit in our life, that the traumas, the failures, the difficulties, being sexually assaulted, and we actually, instead of trying to hide it and saying it's not going to define us, we actually claim it and say, okay, this happened to me, and then use this horrible thing that happened to you as a springboard to propel you forward and take what's happened to you and reshape it, make it your own, and use it for your own purposes. And by doing that, I've been able to take something that was so horrible and turn it around into something that actually propels me forward through life.

So, wow. That's, that's profound. I mean, because we, again, I think people misunderstand things. And as you just said, sometimes people will say, I'm not gonna let this define me. So we kind of deny it, we deny the impact it had on us, we deny the importance it has in our life. Whereas you've taken it and you've integrated it, which is the exact opposite of denying it. I'm gonna, I'm going to take this and I'm going to look for the, for the gift in it. And I know that word, I know it bothers a lot of people to say that there's a gift in something and something like that. But, um, it's something that you've decided to claim. You've made— you've made the gift. It doesn't come with it automatically. You had to claim it.

Yeah, absolutely. You have to. That's part of this story, is you have to own your shit. You have to go back and look at it. And don't just keep pushing it out of the way, say, yeah, that happened, I'm not going to think about it anymore. You're— there are diamonds in there. There are gifts. There are diamonds. Like, if you don't go back and look at it and say you know, what do I need to learn from this experience, you're going to keep reliving it. I mean, that's one thing that's for sure true about life. If you don't figure out the story or the gift that God intended for you from that experience, you're going to keep having those experiences because God really wants you to have that gift. And so I like to say, you know, when something bad happens, I immediately go there. Okay, God, what, what is it that's here for me in this? The opportunity, the gift, You know, what is it? Let's find out quickly because this hurt. This sucked. Yeah, acknowledge the pain, but say, okay, as I'm processing that pain and moving through it, my eye is always on the prize.

So these things that happen in our life— and I always hesitate to use the word bad because whether something is good or bad is really a matter of our perspective.

100%.

We get to decide whether it's good or bad. But these things that happen to us What is your belief? Is it soul planning? Is it, is it God sending it to us? Or what do you— what is your belief about that?

Oh, you know, I don't know that I've actually arrived at a belief on that. Um, I do believe it's about perspective. Uh, one of the things that I kind of teach is it's about these daily choices that determine the outcome of our life. You know, thoughts precede actions and outcomes. And so if we, and I see this all the time, my ex-husband, you know, something goes bad and he is like, I am screwed. My day is ruined. That is where he goes. Something happens to me and I go, huh, OK, that sucked. How am I going to make my day turn out better? Where is the gift in it? How do I, you know, I immediately go to strategizing and glass half full and So it's totally that mental perspective that does determine things. And one of my favorite stories, it's in the book, is, um, I went to Vegas with a friend and we wanted to see the fountains at the Bellagio. And so we made a reservation at, at the time it was a restaurant called Olives that had a patio overlooking the fountains. And we had just finished our dinner watching the beautiful fountains. And the tables had umbrellas, but I just finished, so I stood up to get away from my table. My friend was still sitting down. And just at that moment, a massive gust of wind comes through, hits one of the fountains and carries it over and hits me like a tidal wave. And I was drenched. I mean, drenched from— it's like someone took a fire hose to me. I mean, from head to toe. And my girlfriend looks at me with expectation, like, uh-oh, like, what's she gonna do? Like, and I realized in that split second that I had a choice to make that was going to determine the outcome for our evening. So in that second, I said, hmm, what are the odds of getting hit by a fountain at the Bellagio? They were saying, no, this has never happened before. And I was like, it's never happened before.

I'm the lucky one.

What? I said, "I have been baptized by the holy water. We are going to win tonight." So, my response was that. So, we quickly, you know, I blew dry my hair, changed my clothes, we are out the door. It was one of the best nights I have ever had in Las Vegas. But it was that split-second choice of how I was going to view that event that determined the outcome of that evening. It could have gone a completely different direction. I mean, I could have just thrown a fit, you know, gotten angry, asked to talk to the manager, you know, it could have just gone the other direction. But instead, I saw it as a blessing.

And you talked about this already, but I want to emphasize this point to people because someone might look at you and say, well, that's just Carrie, I can't be like that. And I would have said this 6 or 7 years ago myself. It is a practice. It's something that you have to actually work on, on a daily basis. And as you so brilliantly point out, there's a choice. There's a choice at every moment as to how we perceive the things that happen to us. And I asked you the question, which about whether you— how you believe it happens, which because people always go there. It's like, well, is it soul planning? Or did God do it? Or, you know, or whatever? And your answer, I think, was great. It's like, it doesn't really matter. It's how you perceive it. Yeah, that's your choice. And that, that's what you know, that's not even a belief. That's something that you make happen.

Yeah, absolutely. Every single day, 100 times throughout the day, we are making these decisions that determine our mood, and, and the mood then determines, you know, how we perform, which determines our relationships, which determines— I mean, it's these little micro decisions that happen throughout the day. And it is, it's— I have to say, it's a muscle. It's that constant practice of stopping and going, huh, I can choose how I perceive this. Maybe I'm going to look at it from a different direction.

Yeah, well, again, that, that's, that is, um, great how you've developed that muscle, you know, over these years. And, and you, again, you talked about the things that happened to you when you were younger, the resilience. I think you used the word grit. Yeah, that, that you, that you developed that you wouldn't have had if you'd been in different circumstances.

Yep, absolutely.

So I know another thing you talk about in your book is body dysmorphia. And so what message do you have for people that are struggling with, with that?

Oh, empathy, I guess, is the first thing. Um, you know, it's funny because, you know, I'm Gen X. We were raised with Cheryl Teagues, um, who was known as Twiggy, right? Um, so it was all about being skinny and not having any curves. And obviously you guys can't really see, but I'm 5'3" and very curvy. And so I just felt shame. And my father just completely, you know, enhanced that by telling me that I wasn't pretty. And yes, affirmatively saying, you're not pretty.

Wow.

And I had some other life experiences that just kind of Added on to that. And so I just was, you know, constantly just feeling out of sorts and I couldn't wear any of the same clothes as my friends and how I was always having to get alterations. And so, and I laugh about this now because I had liposuction of my hips, thighs, and buttocks, um, back in 1999. And I told somebody that recently and they were horrified. They were like, why would you do that? Why would you reduce the size of your hips, thighs, and butt. Everybody's getting butt implants now. And I'm like, well, this was what the standard was. You were supposed to be skinny and have no curves. And so I was trying to become that person. Now it, you know, it made me a little less curvy, but the curves are still there. And so part of my journey, and I'm very grateful honestly to these body positive people who suddenly made you know, my figure more popular, but, um, you know, it, it's just coming to look at your body differently and realize it's an instrument that's here to, you know, perform certain things. It's not about just being, you know, whatever society's idea of beauty is at that moment. And I, and I think partly with aging, I've realized it's like, Wow. Like my, my, my knees and ankles and hips are great. I'm not going to need any hip replacements or anything anytime soon. I'm healthy. I'm vibrant. I'm physically in shape. My body helps me do all these things. And so, you know, partly, you know, it's also, I think, for immunity's sake, telling your body how you're taking good care of it and thanking it for taking good care of you. And developing a different relationship with it. So I am not perfect. I still have issues. This is probably one of the issues that will battle me, you know, for the rest of my life. I think there's just so much out there as far as beauty, but I do like to say it's an Instagram world and I'm living life unfiltered. So what you see is what you get. Um, I am scarred. I am I have cellulite, um, but you know what, I'm grateful for the body that I have.

So yeah, well, again, it's that shift. It's that shift as, uh, you know, not looking at the, the negative, so-called negative part of our bodies, but the fact that my body's functioning. And the older I get, the more I'm grateful for the fact that my body just, you know, still relatively works, right?

No, seriously.

Yeah, so it's, it's that, it's that making that You know, because the world will send us these messages. This is what we've been talking about this whole time. The world's telling us we're not enough. Our parents, our religion, society, your body's not good enough, you know, you're not a good enough person. And so you've— I love your journey that you've gone within to find that inner strength and bring it out and, and practice it and really put it out there for everybody to see.

Yeah, I literally have a dialogue with my butt and whatnot. So it's like, I think, I think my thighs like, thank you. Thank you for helping me to walk.

Happy.

Thank you for giving me the strength. I have very strong legs. It's like, you know, so it is, it's changing that dialogue.

Yes. And, and, and, you know, it's funny, because I tell my clients sometimes, you know, about talking to yourself, because we always say, well, it's not good to talk to yourself. But I like, talk to yourself. Give yourself positive self-talk. You know, I just did a short course on people pleasing. And the thing about people that are people pleasers, it's because we do it because we're looking for praise.

Yeah.

And I'm like, what if we started praising ourselves?

Yes.

What if we start thanking ourselves for, like you said, thanking your body and, and really realizing that, you know, you are a resilient person and telling yourself that if no one else does.

Yeah. In the end, this is where— and this is an important reminder for me too. I've been single for a while now, you know. Married and divorced twice, been single for a while. And somebody said to me recently, you know, you were— you came into the world alone and you're leaving the world alone, so you might as well figure out how to be alone. And while in some ways that's kind of sad, I was like, wow, that's so important about the ability just to be content with yourself in your own space. And part of that again is having that internal dialogue of nourishment and support and love. Because you can't count on that always to come from somewhere else. So it needs to come from within.

Yeah, well, that's the thing about, you know, being alone. You have your kids, and I'm sure family and friends, you talked about your friends and stuff. So this idea that we have to be paired up, that's another thing society, you know, tells us. And if you're not, you're, you're alone. But as you said, the one person that you can count on, the only person you can count on is, is yourself. To, to give yourself that positive self-talk and all that stuff. That's the number one thing. And people that go searching for that from someone else, that other person is not necessarily reliable.

Exactly. So true.

So, uh, you also help people— I know you're executive, uh, recruiter. So what advice do you have for people that are in careers looking to make changes? Or what are you— what's your career advice for people?

Well, I think a lot of people just wait for that opportunity to come along. They kind of look to see, um, you know, what the job openings are, or if a headhunter calls them and there's not really any direction. And I really ascribe to the belief that you should begin with the end in mind, meaning where do you want to end up? If you're going to paint a picture, if you're going to write a story of what your life looks like 5 to 10 years from now, excuse me, what does that look like? And so if you want to be CEO of a company, or you want to, you know, whatever it is you want to be, what kind of life you want to lead, as opposed to waiting for someone to come along and offer you that next step in your career, say, okay, if this is where I want to be, how do I get there? What do I need to get there? And I encourage people to do things like do informational interviews. People, a lot of times when you ask for advice, they will actually come back and they say, ask for advice, they'll give you money, ask for money, they'll give you advice. When you go on an informational interview, they're likely to say, hey, you know, when an opportunity opens up, maybe this is someone I should put in that opportunity. So learning about where you want to go, figuring out a path, and then being much more directed about it and saying, okay, if I want to get to this place, the— there's these 5 places maybe that I could make pit stops at. I need to network with these people. And being strategic and directed as opposed to just kind of waiting for life to happen to you. I mean, I've always lived my life that way. And I feel like if more people did, they would be much more satisfied in their careers. And part of that is when I say where you want to end up, I'm talking about, let's paint this whole picture. And that is, I only want to work so many hours a day. This is the kind of area I want to live in. I want to have my family around, like really paint the picture. Picture so that when you're given the opportunity to go work someplace and slave away for however many years, eventually you'll get that brass ring. If that doesn't meet your picture of what, you know, if you're not willing to give up that quality of life to get there, that's not the opportunity for you, and you're going to be unhappy if you take it. So it's really having, again, a dialogue with yourself, figuring out what it is you want to do, and then getting out there and asking questions, doing research, and planning. Okay, if I want to get to here, these are the steps I need to take to get there, and being deliberate about it.

Yeah, well, obviously you've been very deliberate about your life, and that's— that's— it's good that you're giving people that advice, because I think a lot of us, um, we are too passive about our lives, and we just kind of let things happen to us. And, and you can— you can take the reins, and you can start making these plans. And You know, I like what you said, but also it's about lifestyle, not just, not just whatever the job is, or whatever the compensation is. And a lot of us don't realize that until too late. Yeah, we're nearing retirement, we've realized that we've missed watching our kids grow up. Because we were, we were on the road the entire time, or we were working 60 hours a week. And so all taking all those things into consideration.

Absolutely critical. I mean, I've, I've passed on a lot of job opportunities in order to stay in a, in, in a situation where I have daily interaction with my kids. I mean, I created a life for myself where, you know, I could be working when they were babies. I could be working one minute and breastfeeding the next and then hand the baby back. I mean, it was— I created a life for myself where that was central and important to me. And I mean, I think with the pandemic, we're seeing those things really become more of a priority. These lifestyle things are definitely more of a priority. I really encourage people though to not— like, like you said, don't be passive, really get clear on where you want to end up and then figure out how to get there.

Yeah. And speaking of the pandemic, I think you released your book around the time of the pandemic. So what, why do you think your book is so important at this time?

Well, I feel like the pandemic is a universal trauma that's happening to all of us. And it's, it's really, we've been living in a shitstorm. I have to put it colloquially, um, over the last couple of years. And I wrote the book because I realized that the way I approached this situation was way different than the vast majority of society. You know, there were all those news reports at the beginning of the pandemic of recycle bins full of wine and liquor bottles, of people just, you know, um, eating a ton, gaining a lot of weight, you know, drinking a lot, just just completely self-soothing, not sure of how to handle this. And because of all the different life experiences I had already had, all the trauma and difficulties I had been through, I saw this as an opportunity again. I was like, OK, this is like the Great Depression. Over half of the Fortune 500 companies were founded during the Great Depression. This is one of those great historic moments in life that is full of opportunity. We're going to see so many amazing things come out of this time. So that's where my mind went. Then I went to the, okay, there's all these people dying, etc. How do I protect my family? I immediately got on the knowledge side of that. We don't have— how do I— how do we change our lifestyle, you know, the way we're living so we're interacting with people less, etc., etc. Um, I realized that I had the tools to survive because I was already a survivor. And so I didn't experience the angst that other people did. I was almost like, bring it! Like, I've been through so much, this is just another thing to me. And I realized that that attitude was different, and it was a gift that I could give to other people if I could walk them through how I arrived there. And that's why I wrote the book.

Yeah, I think, um, wow, that's just— that's so impressive. And so, so I think powerfully needed during this time. And you're right, the pandemic is a universal trauma, universal grief. That we're all going through. And I've seen people react to it in both ways, you know, it can really bring out what our— I don't want to say what our true character is, but it can, it can really help us if we've got that resilience already. You know, we can, we can meet these things, as you said, what's, what's the opportunity here? You know, we can say, okay, well, now I'm isolated, I can't go see my friends, but maybe now I get to spend more time with my family. Yeah, you know, and people, I know people that were We're talking about people that travel all the time. They didn't have to travel anymore for business. So they got to spend a year at home with their kids and stuff. So we can, we can, we can take anything, and we can look at it, you know, one way or the other.

Yes, absolutely.

So, um, Carrie, it's been really great talking to you about your book and everything. So tell people, want to make sure people know that the name of your book and where they can get it and where they can reach you and all that kind of information.

Sure. So the book is Blooming: Finding Gifts in the Shit of Life, and it's by Carrington Smith. That's me. Uh, you can find it on amazon.com and it's available in paperback, hardback, and on Audible. So if you want to listen to it, it's actually me telling my personal stories. And you can find me on social media at Carrington ATX, which is for Austin, Texas. So at Carrington ATX on Instagram, Facebook, Facebook, etc.

Nice. And your website?

It's carrington-smith.com.

All right, cool. Well, Carrie, uh, again, really great meeting you. It's been an honor getting to know you a little bit better, um, and sharing our, our common past. And hopefully, um, this will help somebody.

I hope so too. Thank you so much for having me on your show.

All right, have a great afternoon.

Thanks, you too.

Thanks for listening to Grief to Growth. Brian hopes that you find this episode helpful, and will come back for future episodes. Brian's bestselling book, Grief to Growth: Planted, Not Buried, is a great resource for anyone who is coping with grief or knows someone who is. If you enjoy the podcast and would like to support it, there are 3 things you can do to help. The first is to share the podcast with someone that you think it will help. The second is to go to iTunes, rate and review the episode. The third way you can support the podcast is by becoming a patron. Head over to www.patreon.com/grief2growth. That's P-A-T-R-E-O-N.com/grief, the number 2, growth, and sign up to make a small monthly donation. Patrons get access exclusive bonus content and knowledge that you are helping to spread the message of Grief 2 Growth. For more about Brian and Grief 2 Growth, visit www.grief2growth.com.

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