Navigating the Labyrinth of Grief: Kat Morris's Tribute to Her Late Daughter and Her Journey of Resilience

You know you need something, you're just not sure what. You've been listening, you're doing the work, but there's still this feeling that you're circling the same place, like you're waiting for the thing that finally moves you. Now maybe you've thought about working with me one-on-one. Maybe something's held you back, the timing, the money, or you're just not sure you're ready yet. I get that. And I want you to know there's still a place for you. I built a resource for exactly this moment, guided meditations for when the waves hit and you just need to breathe. Workbooks to help you get out of your head and onto the page, ebooks on what near-death experiences tell us about the people we've lost, and whether they're really gone, a full course for widows and widowers who are ready to find their way back to living, and a full course for the evidence of the afterlife. And all of it is available for pay what you want. Nobody gets turned away because of money. I think these resources are valuable, but I don't want to hold them back because you don't have the money to pay for them. You don't have to wait until you're ready for coaching. The next step might be a lot smaller than you think. To find out, go to grief2growth.com/store. That's grief, the numeral 2, growth.com/store. And check out the resources I've made for you. Everybody, this is Brian D Smith back with another episode of Grief 2 Growth. And today I've got with me Kat Morris. Kat is an adult educator specializing in adult learning. She's an intuitive empath. She is the mother of 6 children, 4 biological and 2 by marriage. And she's a founder and president of Captain Candace Cookie Ruiz Foundation. And we'll talk about that is and why Kat started that. Uh, on November 13th, 2020, Kathleen's oldest daughter Candace was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. Candace was an active Marine training to be an Osprey pilot. Uh, she received her pinning of wings on November 2020, shortly after diagnosis, and she was promoted to captain 9 days before she transitioned into spirit. On August 10, 2021. And today, Kat and I are going to talk about— we're going to talk a lot about Candace, what a special person that she is. We're going to talk about Kat's journey of grief, and Kat's transformation in starting this organization in her daughter's honor. So with that, I want to welcome to Grief to Growth Kat Morris.

Hi, Brian. Thanks for having me.

Yeah, it's great to see you again. It's great to have you here and talk about your very special daughter. Candus. So I'd like to start off by having you tell us about Candus.

Yes, absolutely. Um, Candus was described as a very, um, fun-loving, bright, magnetic human. She didn't know strangers, strangers didn't know her. She just had that ability about her that you felt gravitated towards her, that aura that you heard some people have. Her big bright smile and big blue eyes, and she was just so fun-loving and helpful. And very focused on leadership ever since she was a little child. She loved leadership. It was just instilled in her from the moment that she was born. And I believe that that was what part of that essence that she radiated out of her, that draw on individuals to her, not just her family and her close friends, but just anyone that she came across. And she was also a shoot-from-the-hip kind of gal. She told you like it was when you needed to hear it. Even if it was tough to hear. But she would always walk away from that conversation saying, wow, I might, I might not have liked to hear that. It bruised me, but I sure did need to hear that. Right. And then so it helped you to develop. So she loved the community. She had been doing community service ever since she was 6 or 7 years old. She and her older brother used to take their Christmas presents, their own Christmas presents. Candace had said, we're going to do this one year when she was 6 and talked with her brother and convinced him to do this with her. And they took their own Christmas presents and went around through the neighborhood, through the school. The school had a present drive and went with the teacher, the principal, I believe, and passed out presents to individuals that were less fortunate. And from that moment, that was her journey. With community service. She was bit by that bug and continued to do that and loved being a Marine, um, always aspired, did Young Marines at 10 and 12 years of age. And so she was a very pivotal, uh, uh, rock, a very strong pillar rock within our, her community, no matter where she resided, with her, our family, and with her friends. Um, and we love her and we know that she's always with us. But having that zest and memory of her, I believe, is what keeps us all moving forward. We have a little bit of that zest of Candace inside of us.

Yeah. And she was an athlete too, wasn't she?

Yes, she was a rugby athlete. She started out with the passion of being a basketball player when she was younger. She played basketball, really all sports. She was a very well-rounded athlete. She played all types of sports. Sports, but her passion mainly when she was younger was basketball. She loved Michael Jordan and, um, wanted to be a pro female athlete playing basketball and did that process and was wonderful at it and earned athletic scholarships in school for that. And shortly, um, in her high school year, she just started, I think, growing and stretching and exploring a little bit more and decided, you know what, came home one day and said, I'm not going to play basketball anymore. And my jaw was on the floor like, what? You've been doing this your whole entire life. What happened? She's like, you know what, Mom, it's just not for me. It's not for me anymore. I'll find another sport. And she was not worried about, am I going to get a scholarship or not for my athleticism? She's like, it'll be okay. I'll find another sport. And 2 weeks later, she was about 15, 16 at the time, I believe. And, um, she joined rugby. We had a local rugby team at our— her high school, Kansas City Dragons. And she introduced me to her coach, and her coach shared with me— I had no idea what, um, rugby was. It's not a predominant sport in, um, in our city of Kansas City, Missouri, that I was aware of. And, um, met with the coach, and the coach just shared with me a little bit about what it was. And went to the first game and thought, what did I sign up for? What did I sign her up for? But she did amazing and loved it. And that community that she grew with as 16 growing up, that community really was and is her family and was there for her and my daughter-in-law and my granddaughter during her time of need with her battle with cancer.

Yeah, yeah, it reminds me a little bit of my daughter. She played basketball from the time she was 5 until she was, I guess, about 14. And then she came home one day and said, I don't want to play basketball anymore. And the high school had already recruited her to play on the team, and she switched to volleyball. Yeah, yeah.

Funny how that happens, how they just know, right?

Yeah, it is. And I said rugby, that's, that's, that's a tough one for a mother, I'm sure.

Yes, but I have to tell you, like, at first, yes, absolutely. But then I started getting a little bit more comfortable with this. I'm like, wow, I got a daughter that's a rugby player. Wow, you know? And we would watch her games and encourage her. And my daughter-in-law is a rugby athlete too. That's how they met. And, um, it's just a beautiful sport and a wonderful, um, family. They really do show— it's so much more than what we would think that it is if we were looking from the outside in.

Yeah, I love rugby. I think it's fun. So did she join the Marines right after high school?

Um, shortly. Not, not technically. She started doing her, uh, reservist— she was a reservist first, leading into that pathway.

Okay.

Yeah.

And she was trained to be an Osprey pilot, is that correct?

Yes, she was. And was moved up the ranks quite very shortly. I believe that her time overall in the military was about 10 years, maybe a little longer, maybe a little over 10 years, but not more than maybe 10, 10 and a half years. So to be able to grow and stretch the way that she has in that short period of time with her ranks and with her knowledge is very, it's very exciting and it's very admirable. Just showcases her character and her personality.

Yeah, so then she got the bad news of the, the diagnosis.

Yes, we got that diagnosis. She was not feeling well for off and on for about, um, a year to a year prior to that, but just didn't contribute it to anything. Like, really just thought that, oh, maybe it's, um, IBS or stress, or maybe I'm just not eating something. But then when she finally started getting like really severe, um, symptoms back in 2020. It was right when COVID first started, right? So she came to visit us, and I noticed right away that she had lost a ton of weight. And I was like, what are you doing? You've lost so much weight, Candace. You know, she's like, oh, I've been fasting. You know, I've been doing this, I've been doing that. But you know, as a parent, you feel that gnawing feeling inside of you and you know something's not right, even though they're putting that brave face on, right? And so I just shared with her. I was like, hey, come clean, come clean. What is wrong with you? You— I feel like you're sick. Like, what's wrong? And she was like, Mom, you know, starts telling me about her symptoms. And I was like, well, you need to get to the doctor and you need to get those checked because that's very serious, you know. So she did. She made an appointment, and at that time it was just so COVID crazy at that time, and they were not able to see her until December 13th. So many months later, many months later, she was able to get seen. And then when she did, at that time she got the diagnosis that it was stage 4 colon cancer and that the tumors within her colon— she had one tumor at the beginning of her colon and one at the end, and that The diagnosis was that they were inoperable. They were not able to be removed, but they did the treatment and she did fantastic with her treatment. When she started, she started gaining weight. She started really looking not like death's door, so to speak.

Right.

And started, you know, we had this, we have this thing in our family that Marco Polos, and she was the founder of our Marco Polos. Created that group and she would always get on there Marco Polo-ing us, just like she always had, you know, prior to her diagnosis and working in her house. Her and my daughter-in-law just recently around this time in Colorado purchased a new home. She was working on it and, and doing painting and stuff and videoing it and sharing that with us. And we're thinking, this is a person that's been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Look at her. Like, to look at her, you would not know it from just the view of her after she started progressing. And then we would get updates about how the, the chemotherapy and radiation treatments were like 85% or 65%, you know, give us like these, these percentages of how it was decreasing. But the, the risk was that she just didn't have that, that the cancer just in her colon, it had started spreading into other areas of her body. Her brain, her liver, other, other areas. And then it got to the point to where the oncologist, you know, shared that, you know, they're at the end, that she, you know, wasn't going to be able to get the chemotherapy or radiation anymore. But before we got to that, she was out home. I mean, she would go do her treatments and it did take a toll on her, you know, but Physically, she still kept moving on, still had her fun, happy-go-lucky, spunky personality, you know. And it was around, I believe, um, shortly after she took a trip with her wife Kittery and the baby Kaliana to Mexico for some friends, um, in May. Shortly after she got back, she had an appointment to go and get her stents changed. She had kidney stents, um, and so she had an appointment to go and get those checked. And she shared on our They had a routine. It's just a routine checkup. I'm just going to go in, do this routine stent change. But during that time of doing that stent, we found out that they can't give you chemotherapy and any of that kind of treatment a certain period of time before you get your stent change. And that happened. And then they, they did this stent change and she was still in the hospital. She started running this fever and they couldn't figure out what was going on with her. Why is she running this fever? What's going on? She doesn't, you know, on the test, it doesn't look like there's any type of well-known infection, but there's definitely something going on because she's having a fever. Right. So I remember sharing with her, Candace, I feel like you need to have them check that stent. I feel like that stent has been compromised. I feel like that stent— there's something wrong with that stent that's making you ill, right? And she was like, Mom, no, everything's okay. It's not the stent, something else. I'm like, please just ask him to check it. Please just ask him to look at it once again. She did, and they ended up finding out that something was going on with that stent and was able to correct that. But by that time, her being off going into the hospital the entire month of June. She was in there the entire month of July. So going on 2 months of trying to figure out what's going on. And in doing this, cancer's growing still inside of her. So by the time that she did get home, she was able to stay at home for 1 day. And then she went back, and then that was towards the last week of her life was when she, um, got home, was able to celebrate with her wife and my daughter, her younger sister, and her child Kylie, and the celebration of her Captain Candace ranking. And, um, shortly after that, she started having some bleeding, um, and, uh, went bleeding, you know, in her urine. And went back, and then they admitted her, and she stayed from that moment on and wasn't able to come back home.

Well, I'm really sorry. I know that had to be, uh, extremely difficult for, for you to go through. Were you able to be with her during that time?

That's the whole thing, is that it was so— we had planned to go and see her, so I saw her in July, and we moved her younger sister down to Colorado to go to school down there, and so that she could be close to her sister and help out as part of the care team. Candace was always adamant when she got this diagnosis. She shared with me shortly after November 13th, "Mom, I don't want this to change anybody's life. I do not want anybody to turn their life upside down for me because I'm ready to pick up and go." I'm like, "I'm coming." Right. No, Mom, stay where you're at. Stay where you're at. You've seen all of the support that I have. I have this beautiful family here. I know that it's hard on you because you're my mom, but I want you to stay there and do what you need to do and get yourself prepared because the family's going to need you more if I— whenever I do transition than I need you now.

Wow.

So she was like, you focus on you, you get yourself together and you get yourself right and you focus on your work. And you do what you need to do to get yourself prepared because one day you're gonna have to lead this wet pack without me, Mom. And I need for you to do that now. I think you need to take this time. Call me, come visit, but you know, there's really no need in you being with me 24 hours a day. I think that the bigger need is for you to get yourself to absorb this. And in hindsight, I look at this, Brian D Smith, like almost as if she was giving me a riddle. Almost as if she was giving me a sneak peek behind the curtain, right? When I look at it in hindsight now, you need to get yourself ready. You need to handle yourself. You need to accept this for yourself. And at that time, I thought she was talking about the cancer and her diagnosis. But I believe now it was really, you know, just like she said it, the family's going to need you more. My wife, my daughter, our family's going to need you more. When I do transition over, because this cancer will kill me, Mom, someday. It will. I don't know when. I hope I get to see my daughter graduate high school, but it will kill me someday, Mom. And they're going to need you to have your crap together. They're going to need you to have your crap together because right now I'm okay. I'm in good hands.

Stay with us.

We'll be right back.

You know, one of the hardest things about grief? Most of the people in your life just don't get it. They want you to be further along than you are. They get uncomfortable when you bring it up, so you stop bringing it up. And that's why I started writing. My Substack is where I go deeper. Thoughts I don't always get to on the podcast. Essays on consciousness, on continuing bonds, on what it actually means to carry loss and still build a life. The stuff that used to keep me up at night, written out in a way that I hope meets you in the morning. But here's what I didn't expect when I started it: the community that showed up. People who are doing exactly what you're doing— listening, learning, trying to find their footing. Readers who comment, who share their own stories, who remind each other that none of us are as alone in this as we feel. And that's what the Substack has become— a place to go deeper with me me and to find your people. It's free to subscribe. Find me at grief2growth.com/substack. That's grief, the numeral 2, growth.com/substack. Or just go to Substack and search for Grief to Growth. I hope to see you there. So after she transitioned, what was your— what was your grief journey? How's it been so far?

It was very horrifically hard. You know, losing a loved one is horrible regardless, right? Uh, but losing a child, it is really just this tug of war with inside of yourself that you are wrestling with every single day. You know, the first moment that I got that phone call, um, it was at 1:30 on August 10th. Which was the time of our meeting, right? So I feel like that's a synchronicity. Our meeting was at 1:30. Candace transitioned at 1:30.

We just started at 1:30 on August 10th recording this. Yeah.

Yeah. So I feel like that's her synchronicity, her guidance to me, right? For today. And leading up to that, you know, we were, as I shared, we were planning to go and visit And I let her know in July when we left, um, you get strong, you do what you need to do. There was a couple of, uh, protocols that she needed to accomplish before she could come home. I was like, and talked with her about that, like, you focus on doing those and we'll see you in August. So I love you. And she looked through me and like, I just looked through me, right? Like I was into my soul. And I knew at that very moment that I was not going to see her again, but my denial subconscious mind denied it and was like, nope, we're going to see her on August. So we continued to plan our trip, and, um, on the, um, 9th, um, we were hearing that Candus was having complications. Um, you know, there was some high risk and complications over leading up from the 8th and the 9th. And then in that evening of overnight of the 9th, she slipped into a coma. And my youngest daughter Catalina called me and was like, I'm on my way to the hospital, Mom. You've got to get coming right now. We do not know how long it's going to be. I'm in San Antonio, Texas. They're in Colorado. So I'm freaking out. And she's like, I'm on my way to the hospital. Candace is in a coma. You know, I'll tell you more when I get there. And as Catalina arrived and spoke with her sister, Candus came out of the coma. Candus came out of the coma and acknowledged her sister. She wasn't able to talk, which the physicians and I assumed she probably had a stroke, you know, which maybe compromised her voice and being able to talk. She was very coherent from what they shared. She could move her head, she could move her fingers. She was coherent. She was aware, you know, nod her head yes or no. Mm-hmm. And so then Katie calls me and says, um, Mom, um, Candace is out of a coma. Um, she can't talk, but you can talk to her if you want to say something to her. You know, you can say something to her now. So I was like, okay. This was at 12:30. On August 10th when I had gotten that phone call from my daughter.

Okay.

And we're getting settled down, like, okay, okay. So then I'm bracing myself for everything that, you know, I'm gonna tell her. And, um, we get ourselves positioned and the nurse comes in and says, well, we need to change her coloscopy bag. And Katie had me on speaker and I was like, I love you, Candace. We're going to talk here pretty soon. I love you. And Katie was like, she's shaking her head. She hears you. And Katie asked the nurse, well, can we stay in here while you change the— can I stay in here? She's talking to my mom. And something happened where the nurse thought that it would be better if Katie left, but also You know, Katie had shared with me, you know, that Candus was kind of like motioning for her to leave the room, right? And Katie just thought, well, she just wants some privacy. Why are they changing her colostomy bag? But as soon as Katie stepped out of the room, that's when she transitioned. And then, you know, that was at 12. When we were on the phone, Katie hung up with me, I think it's about 12:45 Central Standard Time. So I'm waiting. Knowing, like, I knew something just came over me, and I just knew that when I got that call that that was going to be the situation, even though that's not what we talked about prior to us hanging up, right? She said, well, I'll call you back, Mom, they're going to change your clothes, give me back, call you back in a minute, then you can have your conversation with Candus. And I was like, okay. But I knew that from that moment, I just got this cold chill in my body, and Katie calls at 1:30 Central Standard Time and said, "She's gone, Mom." And that was the day that our lives turned upside down. And it was very struggle. You know, it still is from day to day, like a struggle. And one thing that I want to share with all parents, anyone, you know, but specifically to our parent community, is that, you know, it is a horrific horrible, a black hole of abyss. You know, I felt like I was thrown in, literally, into this black hole of abyss that just kept swirling around and around, and I had no roadmap, no compass, nothing, no sense of direction, and the sense of just being lost. And in addition to being lost, I— a part of me died with her, you know, a part of my inside left with her and has, you know, transitioned with her. And that just set me on this tailspin of, yeah, you know, going through that process of not, not wanting to survive, not wanting to be here. Like, even though I had 3 other children and 2 stepchildren and a beautiful family the grief just encompasses you and all you focus on is your loss and how horrific the pain is. And the pain is just so horrific that it literally makes you feel as if you're going mad. And I knew right away I got to do something. I made a promise to Candice and I love my children and I love my husband and my family. And I know that I need to be here for them. And for myself, Candice would not want me to continue feeling like this, even though I believe she understands, you know, what I'm going through from the other side. And I just started on this pathway of researching and having, um, more of a connection spiritually. And then that's when my intuitive abilities started really— all of my king senses, all of those other senses within me started heightening. Because my brain and all those other normal functions were shut down. They were not functioning, I believe. So then my, my feelings, my, my intuition, my, uh, you know, mother's intuition they call it, got very intensely heightened. And I just started researching more and more about what is grief, what is grief of a loss of a child, what does this do to your body, you know, how does this affect your health. And how is this going to, you know, be for the rest of my life? And as I'm going through that journey, Brian D Smith, I had dreams of Candace. Candace came to me. I believe they're visitation dreams. She came to me first every month for 6 months with a message, you know, of breadcrumbs, dropping those little breadcrumbs, helping me to understand what I was going through in addition to what I was learning medically and scientifically. Right. And the first dream that I had of her was at 2 months of her crossing. And we celebrate, you know, recognize— my husband and I were recognizing that 2-month anniversary, playing her video music, songs she likes, eating food she likes. And it came, you know, late in the evening. We're wrapping up and I'm getting ready for bed and just break down in our— just break down crying. And I just, you know, share with her, I can't do that. I just don't like crying anymore. I just don't want to cry anymore, Candace. I'm not mad at you. I just have so much pain in my heart. I just feel like I'm worthless, like I'm just not able to do anything for anybody. I can't accomplish these tasks that I used to do or what I know I need to do in my heart. And I went to sleep that evening and had a dream about her. And she said, came and visited. And we were in this home and my daughter Brandy was there with her son. And we were on the upstairs of the house. And Brandy looks out the window and says, oh, Candace is here. And I'm like, what? In my dream, I knew My conscious mind knew, how could she be here? Like, I knew that in my conscious mind, right?

That's when you know it's a visit.

Yeah.

Yes.

And, um, went downstairs and she was in the front door pathway. And I was just so surprised. Oh, Candace, you know, I remember asking her, wow, I thought that I would be down that list. I, I always felt like you would go see your wife and daughter first, right? And are your siblings, you know? And she's like, well, puts her hand on her hip and she's looking up and she goes, well, Mom, I'm here because you're the most open. And I said, what? You know, I'm the what? Just, you're the most open, you know? She's just like looking up into the ceiling. And I'm just right then, Bob, start crying, you know, and putting my face in my hands and sharing with her how I'm feeling, what life is like in reality, how I'm feeling. And she's just still standing in there with her head on her hip, you know, and looking up. And then she goes, Mom, Mom, Mom, in a really loud voice. And I'm crying, my face is in my hands. I'm like, what? What? She said, I'm gonna take enough hurt out of your heart so that you can get up and get some crap done, because Mom, you need to get some crap done. And I said, what? You're gonna do what? You know, and I'm crying. She's like, Mom, I'm gonna take enough hurt out of your heart so you can get up and start getting some crap done. I love you, I gotta go. And she leaves. You know, that's her personality. She was very straightforward. She would tell you, like I shared with you earlier, the stuff you don't want to hear, right? And I wake up the next morning, and every day since that, Brian D Smith, my heart has failed. You know, like when you're, when you're, when you're a child, or when your children fall down, they scrape their knee, they get a really deep cut on their knee, and then that knee, that, that, that cut starts to scab over, but the inside of that wound's still kind of raw. It hasn't totally healed, but the outside of that wound's crusty and it's healing. That's how my heart feels. My heart feels like that. Deep inside of there, it's still wounded. It's still, you know, it could still be, you know, pussy and ooey. But around the crust of that, it feels like it's been crusted over and it's healed a little bit. And that is how I've been able to get up and function. That moment that I woke up, I just was like, okay, I was able to get up, clean house, take a shower, eat, get back, you know, get out into the community, start volunteering. Continue to learn and stretch myself when it came to grief and how to grow from grief and how to learn about, you know, my spiritual understanding of our loved ones are always with us, getting closer to that, you know, so it really started me on that pathway. But every month, she would come with a message of some kind of knowledge.

And when was that first dream? Do you remember when it was?

Yeah, it was on August 10, 2 months of her transition.

Okay, wow.

Okay, yeah.

And then every month after that, she would come with another, another question.

Not on the 10th, not on the 10th. Every month it would be a different time, but it'd be every month, different times of the month, right? And then on the 6th month, she shared with me, Mom, we don't need to do this anymore. I don't need to come and help you anymore. I'm always going to be here for you. I always be here with you. But I don't need to come and give you advice. You've learned so much. You're doing great. You've learned enough. You have enough knowledge to sustain yourself and to help others, Mom. You're going to do great things in this world. You're going to do great things, Mom, in the world. And I didn't understand what that meant because we didn't even have the thought of the nonprofit at that time.

Right.

You know, and I was— and I cried. I would be like, but I just— I just don't— I enjoy our monthly visits. I look forward to them. She's like, "Mom, I'm always going to be around. I'll always be around. You don't need me to come every month anymore. Mom, you can do this. You can do this. You're awesome. You're great. You've got this. And don't forget, you're going to do great things in the world, Mom." Now, did you know about dream visits before you started having these?

What were your beliefs before Candace transitioned?

Eh, not really. I was and have always been religious and spiritual. And know that there is a heaven. And I believe in God and practice in that, but not to the magnitude of what I've gotten to, to be at in this level now, of just having those visits and talking about my spiritual grief therapist and helping them, them helping me to be able to explore that knowledge and understand that, yes, there is an after, you know, a bond to bond that the, the physical body passes away, but the relationship doesn't ever die, you know. And learning that, and learning that they are able to visit us in our dreams, send us signs and synchronicities, um, if we believe, you know, if we believe and if we see that, then absolutely we can. And that's what I would like to share with our viewers today, Brian D Smith, is that when we are going through our loss, whether it be a child or any loved one, anyone that we love that we've lost that has shattered and rocked our world because they're not physically here anymore. For them to, to know that they're not alone and that they are able to have that connection with their loved one. To think about it in this way: what was that relationship like when they were here physically? You know, what was that person like when they were physically here? Here. And would they ever know that their person had— if they had an opportunity, would that— would their loved one not come and visit them and not see them? You know, how was that? You know, if they were going to do that physically, to me it only makes sense for us to think about they would find a way to do that after physical existence, right?

Right.

And being able to comprehend that and understand that, that physical emotional, spiritual balance. I believe that is really what grief is all about, Brian D Smith, right? It's about us psychologically understanding how to balance the physical acknowledgment— the acknowledgment, excuse me, of the physical existence is no longer here, while balancing the fact that we still feel like we have a relationship with them. And we still have this connection, right? We're trying to balance those two within ourselves, within our minds. And if we are in a situation where we may feel that we're not supported by being able to express that, then that could make your brain become unbalanced, distorted. It could make that pain a lot more grieve— harder for you to grieve and absorb. If you're able to, I feel, to have that support and be able to talk about, well, I had a dream about my loved one last night. Oh wow, I've seen this, this, um, coin, you know, I found this coin, or I really feel connected to this. Whatever that connection is or synchronicity is that you feel connects you to your loved one, own that, be proud of that. Don't let anybody rob you of that. Right, and talk about your loved one however you feel is comfortable and learn how to honor your grief. Grief should be honored, you know, in my opinion. I've learned to honor it. I disliked it at the very beginning, but I honor it now, and I have a pact with grief. And I think that if individuals consider having a pact with their grief and let their grief know, hey, you're not going to leave, you're going to be here with me forever, that's a given. Right. But let's make an agreement. I'll let you come out and be superstar every once in a while because you need to do that. That's healthy for me. Mm-hmm. But I'm not going to allow you to run my life and be superstar every day because I still need to be able to grow, stretch, and touch others, be happy, and live this life in honor of my loved one and for my own innate creation.

Wow. Wow. That, that was very well said. I don't think I've ever heard a better definition of grief, that the balancing of the reality that they're not here with us in the physical, but we know that they're still here with us spiritually. I think that's, that's beautifully said. And I love the way that you said you honor your grief, because I think that's really important. Grief is going to be with us anyway. We might as well make friends with it.

Absolutely right. Let it know, hey, I know you're walking with me every single day. Because it is, it truly really is. Right. And first, acknowledge that I— that's what I've done. I've made peace with my grief. I've honored it. I let it know, okay, you can come out when I feel like you— like, that's good, because that's healthy. I'm not gonna hold you in. I'm not gonna deny you. Your time under the shine, you know, your time to shine. However, allow me my time to shine too, because I have been created for a purpose. And I have loved ones that still love me. And my, my loved one would not want me to be always in the darkness. They would not want that for me.

Beautiful. That's so beautifully said. I want to go back to something you said earlier about your intuition open up, opening up when you felt like your brain was not functioning properly. I think it's a really good point for a couple of different things. One is I truly believe that, like, people that can connect to the other side, they find a way to kind of turn our brain down in a sense. But also, I hear a lot of people say, well, your loved ones can't connect with you as long as you're in deep grief. And I know that drives some people crazy because they're like, well, of course I'm in grief. And so then they feel guilty because they're blocking their loved one. So I love that you shared that experience, the way that Candace came to you. In your deep grief?

Yes, I was in the heat of deep grief. My family was so worried about me. It was to the point where, as I, you know, going back, rewinding back to the day when I got the call at 1:30, I knew instantly I have to take a timeout from the world. I cannot go out. I, I, I am broken. I am, I am not myself. Something inside of me has died. I had to take a timeout. And I know that not everyone in the world is fortunate enough to be able to take a hiatus and be able to take, you know, as much time off. 6 months. I took 6 months off, right? I know that not everyone in the world is able to afford to do that. But I do ask everyone this. Even if you don't have that opportunity to take 6 months off or even a week off, that's okay. Find time throughout your day. When it's you in your home, or whether you're going for a walk in the park, or you're doing something that's solace and that's therapeutic for you, and sit with your grief and have a really good conversation with it. And talk with it and let it know, you know, how you really feel. And that's what I've done. I ask everyone, give it a chance, give it a shot to talk with your grief. Find that 5 minutes, let your family know, you know, I'm gonna take 5 minutes out. Maybe it's going to your bedroom, maybe it's taking a bath, maybe it's walking in the park. Regardless of whatever it is, try to find time throughout your day, as often as you need to take that time, or, or however you can afford to do that, and have those conversations with your grief so that you are able to really learn how to honor it. And it can— and not just honoring it, but honoring yourself.

Right. Right. Well, if you ever decide you want to become a grief counselor, you'd be an excellent one. You're doing a fantastic job right here now. And people are hearing, getting some great wisdom from you. I know you've had some other experiences, right? I think you had some experiences involving your sister, Tanya.

Yes. So the year of 2021, when Candace transitioned, was a very tough year on our family. We lost several individuals one month right after the other. So Candace was the first to transition on August 10th. My second oldest sister was at that same time diagnosed with cancer, and they were going through their journey around that at the same time, right? Um, when Candace transitioned on August 10th, then on September 15th, my second oldest sister transitioned also. And, um, in October we lost, uh, my brother-in-law took, uh, he got ill from COVID and we lost him. So 3, 3, uh, deaths 3 months in a row, right? And then later in that, uh, year, my oldest sister was diagnosed with cancer, esophagus cancer, and she lost her son in December of that same year. Uh, so we had a lot of loss, a lot of trauma, a lot of changing that was going on within our, our family. It was just like layering it and layering And that really got me thinking a lot about my grief, right? Didn't even have the opportunity to get through the grief of the loss of my child, and now I'm losing my sister, and now I'm losing my brother-in-law, and now I'm facing the fact that my oldest sister has got cancer now. And now we've lost my nephew. So being able to process through all of that helped me to really understand on this researching. I started going to school to learn how to be a life coach. You know, um, about grief therapy and relationships, but also for my own. And I would, uh, my own self-benefit as well, and researching and reading. And fundamentally, it really is, is when you go through trauma of any magnitude— doesn't necessarily have to be a loss, right, like my family went through, losing someone, or losing a job too, or losing someone, or having to move to another state whatever that dynamic is, that's still grief, right? I learned if I, I had to handle them like I eat my meals, one bite at a time, right? I had to handle each grief separately because it all definitely is two very separate grieving processes. And, and honoring those grieving processes very separately and in understanding that, you know, they're still with me. But going through that and being able to grow and stretch instead of just coupling them all in one big grief bucket, respecting and honoring that grief. Um, and I believe that like if we are able to do that, I know at least for me, Brian D Smith, being able to separate out those griefs of losses of my family and honoring each one of them as they were in their existence as human beings. And my relationship with them really has helped me to honor the grief even more and honor myself and honor them.

Yeah, absolutely. Well, I'd like to talk about the Captain Cookie or Captain Candace Cookie Ruiz Foundation. But before I do that, I just want to take a moment and acknowledge you and Candace and how special you are. I mean, I've known you for about 6 months now. So a little bit after your daughter transitioned and where you are, you know, just 2 years to the day in is just, it's incredible. And it's, it's a, you know, you talk about how can a special Candace is, and her growing up and her heart of service. And I can see, you know, all those things in you as well. So I know you guys share that. So this foundation that you started, this nonprofit, you've already got up and running, you've got a website, you've got board of directors, and I know how hard it is to do a nonprofit. So tell me about it.

Yeah, absolutely. Thank you so much. So the Captain Candace Cookie Ruiz Foundation, also referred to as CKCRF, was created in honor of Captain Candace, my oldest daughter. We are created to support military civilians and athletes, rugby athletes, with out-of-pocket comprehensive support. For the military and our civilians, we're supporting them with out-of-pocket comprehensive support in the area of if they choose to take their cancer pathway down a holistic, naturopathic, or integrative pathway of treatment. We support with out-of-pocket, um, support. So with these types of treatments from naturopathic integrative holistic, majority of that type of treatment may not all be covered under their medical insurance or under their military benefits. So when they work with— when they work with their— when they work with their physician and get that treatment plan solidified, then they find out what that out-of-pocket portion is going to be. And if they're not able to afford to do that, pocket, out-of-pocket process on their own, then they would come to see KCRF and we will work with them on getting this coverage for them. And for our rugby athletes, we are supporting them in the area of gear if they need gear, or if they need support with travel and hotel stay, we support them with that as well. We have an intake form out on our website that they can go out and review and complete complete for our cancer community, military, civilian, and for our rugby community, and go out and check that out, fill out that intake, and they would get a phone call within 24 hours from an intake representative that would walk them through and talk a little bit more about that intake. And then we would work directly with the physicians that they have listed on there. If the patient has not sought out an alternative treatment plan. We do have a directory out on our website that will assist them with going out and finding that for them to go out and explore those physicians and our healing, holistic healing directory where they can find a naturopathic integrative physician, have that consultation with them, decide if that treatment is right for them and if they're accepted for that program of treatment. And once they've gotten that all covered, with their medical physician and they're finding that they're needing that support, that they were more than happy to help them with that part.

That's, that's just amazing. That's amazing that the work that you're doing, as I said, the fact that you've got that, that up and running at this point, that's fantastic.

Thank you. I appreciate it. You know, we have a great team of board of directors and a wonderful staff. And all of our partners that we have partnered with, um, to assist us with our website, uh, website design, with our consultations of strategic planning. Everyone— and this is totally a team effort— and I truly believe that, um, God and Candice, um, laid this inside of us, um, to create this. And because that's what I really believe now when she shared with me at the 6-month mark, Mom, you're going to do great things in the world. I'm like, what are you talking about, great things in the world? I'm just an average everyday person. But now, in hindsight, with this nonprofit, I truly believe that that was the— that was the God wink that she was giving me. She was letting me know that this is good for the world. The world does need this. They do need the support. And for them to know that we understand their journey, we understand that journey of cancer. And if they choose to want to do a part chemotherapy, part radiation, but have some holistic integrative therapies to help them with their nausea or to maintain that, those aftereffects of those systems, we help those with that type of pathway as well. It doesn't have to be 100% that treatment plan, but they have the hard job. Our job is to be there to help them have the peace of mind to do what they need to do best, and that's get well.

Yeah. So have you done anything like this before, Kat? I mean, this is— I'm still just flabbergasted.

Done what?

To put together a nonprofit or anything? I mean, what was your background before this?

Well, my background is in, um, adult learning, and I, um, as it shares on the website, that I have a bachelor's degree, double major in criminal justice, paralegal science. And adult learning. And that's my predominant role currently as an adult educator. I publicly speak and facilitate to adults. And, um, but with the legal mind and just, you know, this passion, going to school— I did go to school for this. I got my IAP nonprofit certificate.

Okay.

Um, when I started going through this journey, shared with our board and our staff and shared with them, you know, I'm going to go to school and learn what this is all about because I want to make sure that we cross every i, every t and dot every i.

Right.

It has my daughter's name on it, your sister, your wife, like our loved one's name on it. And this is for humanity. So let's do it right. Let's measure twice, cut once. You know, and Yeah, we're moving forward with that.

Well, you're an absolute model for how to deal with grief. I mean, I love what you know, you haven't denied your grief, you've honored your grief. You have taken this, this tragedy of your, of your young daughter, you know, transitioning in such a way and turned it into a blessing for the world. You It's just, it's fantastic.

Well, thank you, Brian. I really appreciate that. And truly, really, I believe that it is a blessing. You know, it's tragic that we lost Candus and my sisters and my brother-in-law and any loved one, right? It's tragic whenever you lose someone that you love. And I, I struggled with that for a really long time of that, what good can come out of the fact that I don't have my daughter? There's nothing good that comes from this, right? But going through, you know, the journeys that I've had with having those dream visits, having the intuition, the breadcrumbs, and I followed the breadcrumbs, learning more about grief, going to school and learn how to the medical aspect of grief, and the spiritual side of grief. It really is something good can come out of it. And I know now, at least for me and my experience, I would have never have been this person the way that I am now had I not have lost my daughter.

Yeah.

I truly, really believe and share with my family and staff that this is what I was created to be. This is what God created me to be. He created me to be a server in the community and to help others understand that you're not alone and to educate them and to help them have that support of understanding themselves, understanding what they're going through, and helping them, letting them know you're not alone. Um, I've always been a teacher my whole life. I went to school for that. That's what I do. I think with this added experience is that was all school for me. Everything that I've done up until this point was school. It was teaching me and priming me for this very moment, for that moment when I lost my Candace, right? You know, and that's, that is the good, right? And I feel at least that for me, like, the grief was expected to happen even though we didn't think that it was gonna happen, you know. Um, but there is a purpose for each and every one of us as human beings, you know. We are soul beings. We're not just human beings. We have a spirit inside of us, and we have a divine innate purpose. That we were created to, to accomplish. It's tapping into that. And sometimes you don't always, at least for me, I didn't figure it out and know it. So I was going through my worst horrible time in my life.

But you just said it reminded me of something I just had on my program recently. And she went through a very terrible time. And she talked about how she turned her tragedy into something. And the way she described it, and I can't say it exactly, but it's kind of like she She took what was given to her and she transformed it, she transmuted it, and she said, and I'm giving it back to you, to God, as a gift. So I want to say, you know, this good has not just come out of your grief, you've actually, you've created it. You've taken your grief and you've worked. I mean, this is, this isn't just, didn't just happen. You've worked to create this thing out of, out of the tragedy. And that's a, that's a fantastic testament to who you are as a creator.

I appreciate that. Thank you so very much. I, I feel like I didn't— I know I didn't do it physically on my own creating this nonprofit, but spiritually inside of me, you know, the love that I feel for my sisters, my, my daughter, God, they've propelled me again. They have so encouraged me every single day. Um, I believe that you asked me earlier, and I kind of glossed over it, about the story about my sister Tanya, right? Yes. Um, and knowing this, and this help is what I mean, so this story will make sense to what you've just shared about, um, what I'm doing, what we're doing for this nonprofit, is With my oldest sister being diagnosed with cancer, she was my mother figure. My mother passed away, as I shared, at 14 years of age with breast cancer. And she raised me and my younger brother. So she was more like a mother figure to us. And we were very close and, you know, loved her very much. And when she got her diagnosis, we thought, okay, everything's going to be okay. She's going to get over it. She wasn't that far along in the diagnosis of a stage 4. She was more on a stage 1 or 2. But as it continued to progress, she's getting worse. That becomes a part of your life when you have a sick individual that has a long, a long illness. You start to assimilate with that way of life. It starts to become a part of your life. The fear is always there, but you just know that this is the norm, that that individual is going to have this type of day. And that's just the way that it's going to be, you know. Well, that's how it was for us. We started getting a little bit more adjusted to her illness and she was in and out of the hospital. She got to a point, point in her journey where she was able to come home. My niece called me. I would call every day. She lives in Missouri. I live in Texas. I would call every day and check on her like I always had prior to her illness.. And, um, my niece was sharing with me, well, she's home, she's seeming to do a lot better. She had to have a trach put in her throat. She had, um, esophagus cancer, so they put a trach in. She's doing well, you know, she seems to be, uh, adjusting to the trach very well. Everything's good. So I'm like, wow, it's a sigh of relief. Wow, she's doing good, right? So I go off to sleep that evening And at about— have this dream that she comes to visit. She comes to visit me. My sister and I hadn't been able to physically see each other for about 10 years since I moved to Texas. Things would just happen to where we just— we would FaceTime, we were always connected every day, but physically being in the same place, we just didn't have that. So, you know, the world just didn't— timing was always off. Right. So I shared with her, well, if you get well and you get out of the hospital, I'm going to come in March. And that's March of this year, 2023. I'm going to come in March and visit you. We're going to have such a great time. And she had come home that very last day of February. I went to sleep and I dreamed she came. I heard knock on my door, open the door. Here she is. She's, "Hey, sister," you know, all happy. She looked about 30 years younger, very healthy, very, you know, happy. And behind her was Candus. And they come walking in and we start walking in this, in this, uh, it's like we leave and we're walking in this park. We find ourselves in this park and I can hear the birds chirping and we're excited and she's in the middle and I'm on one side and Candice is on the other side and we're walking. And the weird thing about that dream was I, for a moment in the dream, thought, Candice, why are you here? You shouldn't be here. Like, I knew then again that she shouldn't be there. And I'm thinking in the dream that this is a, you know, a visit from my sister at that time. She was still alive, right? So Candice didn't include herself, but she didn't exclude herself from the dream either, Brian. You know, she just walked with her head down, you know. And me and my sister are just catching up, giddy as all could be, talking. And I was like, see, I told you I'd come and see you. And she was like, uh-uh, I came to see you. Like that. And I started laughing. Yeah, you know, we thought it was just so, um, fun that, yeah, you're right, you did come to see me, right? And we're talking and we're talking and we get to this point in the dream where she stops walking and she places her hand on my chest and she says, I want to let you know that you are the best baby sister. I am so glad to have you as my baby sister. You are so, so amazing. You always was the pretty sister. And I'm like, no, you're pretty too, you know, Maria's pretty too. And that's not true. And she's like, you're pretty in here, Kathleen, you're pretty in here. And don't let anybody ever tell you anything different. And I want you to know I'm your biggest fan and I will always be your biggest fan. I'll always support you. You do amazing things for people. And I'm like, oh, you do amazing things too, you know. So we're going back and forth and she's like, we got to go. Candace and I have this event. We're so excited. We got this event that we're going to go to. It's just for Candace and I. We are so excited. And she was like, you can't come, you can't come. And I was not upset. I was like, oh, okay, well, y'all enjoy your time together, you know, have fun. She was like, we'll see you later. You'll be able to come to the event later. It's not, you can't come to this one, right? And I woke up at 4 o'clock feeling still her essence, her presence, still feeling her hand on my chest for about 2 minutes. I just laid in bed and just absorbed that and was so excited, right? And shared with my husband, man, I can't wait till I get off of work because I'm going to call my niece and tell my sister about this amazing dream. That I had about her. And I— well, that same day, March 1st, 12 o'clock, I get the call that my sister had transitioned over. And I asked my niece, well, what time did she leave? What time did she transition? And my niece said, well, probably anywhere, uh, possibly from 4 o'clock to 9 o'clock, right? Well, that was when I woke up from my dream. So I feel in my heart, like I just felt her in my heart, that that was her way of saying, her coming and seeing me, saying hello and goodbye and letting me know, giving me that peace. And having that— my grief is terrible and I miss her, but it sure did give me so much peace. It really did give me a lot of peace and helped me to be able to adjust the loss of her physical existence. And shortly after that, throughout the same month of March, on the 28th of March, in the shower, just sending her loving vibes, you know, thinking about her, manifesting on her and giving her love and sharing with her how much I hope she's— I just know she's so happy. And I'm just so glad that she's so happy and how much I love her. And as I went into the shower, you know, I put my items down. The, the dragonfly was not there when I got into the shower, but sending her those loving vibes, I got out of the shower, there's a dragonfly on my jeans. And I'm like calling my husband, what is I'm like, come here, come here, I need you to confirm two things for me. What is that? And he's like, that's a dragonfly. And I'm like, how did he get in here? And he goes, well, I don't know. You know, I feel like that was a sign, right? That I'm thinking over— it wasn't there before I got in the shower. It wasn't flying around in my house. My, my cat probably would have killed it. Yeah, you know. And it was there right when I got out of the shower, sitting there like almost as if it was like wink, waving at me like, hi, you know.

Yeah.

So those are the things that I want our audience to take into consideration, that yes, we are battling with inside of ourselves an internal process of accepting the physical existence is no longer there and the connection with them. But being able to have synchronicities and signs and connecting with them when that's their way of letting us know that they're not going to ever leave us, you know, and that they're always going to be there for us to give us comfort. We just have to, you know, ask ourselves, do we want to believe that? And if we do, and we feel it, then be grateful for that and say thank you.

Absolutely. Well, Kat, um, that is a beautiful, beautiful way to, I think, end our, our time together today. So what I'd like for you to do is tell people where they can find the foundation So just let people know where they can find you.

Sure. You can search for us. Our website is captaincandacecookie.org. That's C-A-P-T-A-I-N C-O-O— excuse me, back up. Captain, C-A-P-T-A-I-N Candace, K-A-N-D-I-S C-O-O-K-I-E dot org.

Yeah, it's a great website. I was just checking it out myself. And Kat, you are just an inspiration. So thank you so much for doing this today.

Thank you for having me.

All right, enjoy the rest of your afternoon.

You too.

Hi there, I'm really excited to tell you about my latest ebook. It's 4 lessons that you can learn from the near-death experience without going through all the trouble of dying to learn them. I've been studying NDEs for several years now. I am completely convinced that not only are they 100% real, but that there's some very universal wisdom that we can get from the near-death experience. And I've distilled that down in this book into 4 4 short lessons. And I've also given you all the reasons why I believe the NDEs are absolutely real. So go to www.grieftogrowth.com/NDElessons to pick it up for free. www.grief-the-number-2-growth.com/NDElessons. I hope you enjoy it.