Dating, Self-Worth & The Algorithm: How to Reclaim Your Emotional Power

Welcome back to the Rise, Shine and Redefine podcast. I'm your host Karen Meininger and today's episode is packed with so much gold I didn't even get a chance to properly introduce my guest before we dove right in. Which is why I'm jumping in here to do her justice. You're about to hear from the incredible Sabrina Benduri, A dating and self worth coach who's helped thousands of women heal their patterns, rebuild their confidence and create the love lives they actually deserve. Sabrina brings powerful mix of real talk and heart led wisdom. Her approach is all about breaking the cycle of self sabotage, owning your worth and attracting healthy, lasting love not from a place of lack, but from alignment. We talk about why so many smart, successful women keep attracting the wrong patterns, how to stop trying to save men in a way to feel worthy and what it to fully yourself in love and life. This one is deep, relatable and empowering. And whether you're single, in a relationship or somewhere in between, I promise you it would. Welcome to Rise, Shine and Redefine, the podcast where entrepreneurship meets purpose. I'm Karen Meininger and I'll help you create an authentic and powerful business. Let's dive in.

The thing is like you're always at the mercy of the algorithms and this has always been the hardest part of my career, of every version of my career is like with the anumo days, there was a time period where we were on number page number one of Google because there was no competition. So anytime somebody would Google, why isn't he texting me back? Or how do I get him to commit? We were number one. But as soon as that algorithm stops favoring you and you're on page number three, your business is done. And with Instagram, there was a time where Instagram was really competing with TikTok and I was doing really well on TikTok and and all of a sudden my content, my reels which were doing nothing on Instagram started blowing up. But then Instagram is not favoring, I guess like they're not so much in competition with TikTok anymore, so now they favor a different type of content. So then my account wasn't growing anymore. But now all of a sudden Meta wants you to post reels on Facebook. I noticed my Facebook page right now is going ballistic and Meta actually contacted me. They're like, post reels three times a day. Like that's what we want you to do. And I'm doing, I'm posting reels on my Facebook page and it's expensive Exploding. So you kind of just have to follow whatever it is that. That these. That their algorithms want or whatever it is that they want from you. Like, TikTok reached out to me. They're like, we want you to go live. And I did a few times. I really don't like it, so I stopped. But that's what they want. That. That's how to get in their good, good graces. I don't really know how to get an Instagram's good graces. I think they sent me something about their algorithm. But these things are always changing and you just kind of. It really sucks when like, you know, your style was really. The algorithm loved that for a while. And then the algorithm's like, no, no, we hate this now. We are not pushing this at all. We're push something totally different. And then they're pushing something that, like, you're not as. Isn't really so honed in. In your wheel box. So you just kind of always have to be on your feet. What can I say?

I'm excited we're already recording this because this is good info for entrepreneurs, right? Because this is. Yeah, no, this is so good. And I'm going to start paying attention more. And yeah, because, like, personal, personal growth work is so interesting, right?

Like.

Like the way it lands for some. Like, I feel like you could hear the same thing over and over and over again, and then one person says it one way and you're like, oh, now I get it.

I talk about this all the time because all of us are saying the same thing. For example, not that I'm in the same league as her, but like, Mel Robbins right now is. Let them.

Let them.

Yeah. Millions, hundreds, millions of podcast downloads. And I'm like, but, But I've been saying this since 2009. I just didn't say it right that like, that. But I mean, I've been saying in the realm of relationships, but I have so. And now anytime I even post old content where I'm like, if someone lets you go, let them. People are like, oh, that's Mel Robbins. It's like, no, this is a video from like 2010. Like, this is that, you know, or like, whatever. I don't have videos dating back that far. But we're all saying the same thing. Like, everyone. It's just everyone has a different style. You know, Matthew Hussey has his style and he's like the same smooth, sexy British man. And some women really resonate with that. My. The way I, you know, say things is more coming from the perspective of, I've lived this. I'm you. I was that messy, insecure woman and I was able to get through it. And you can, too. And maybe some people will connect to that. Mel Robbins has a really inspiring way of speaking. Then there's Jay Shetty, and he's very soft. And there's Jillian Tureki, who's also the relationship space. Almost everyone is saying the same things. It's just a matter of, in terms of self help and life coaching, who do you connect with that's going to inspire you to implement? Because that's what it comes down to.

It's the same with, with fitness.

I feel like you were in, like doing fitness stuff for a while too.

Yeah. Like just in it, but not teaching it or anything.

Yeah, Same with, with fitness. I mean, we all know how to lose weight. Who doesn't know that? Okay. Eat less, exercise more. Like, what's the problem? The problem is the emotional aspect of it. And who's going to motivate you? Who's going to really inspire you to, like, get up and do it? That's who you connect with. That's who you want to work with. And not everyone's style is going to be for you.

So.

Yeah, I mean, I stopped over. I stopped, I guess, getting upset about the fact that there is. There's so many of us now. When I started, there was no one. There was like Matthew Hussey and like a handful of other guy coaches and there was nobody else. Now everybody's a coach, everyone and their mother. And you just have to lean into. Okay, what is it about my style that makes me special and fine? Yeah. The thing is there's only so much advice. Like the advice that works is the advice that works. So we're all kind of going with the advice that works. We're all going with, like what the universal truths are of human behavior. Who. Who connects to you and who can be. Who can you inspire? And so that's your audience.

Yeah, no, a thousand percent. And it's so true because I started following you.

Yeah.

Before, like, I don't even think. I think it was like MySpace was like the thing.

Yeah. It's been.

It's been a minute, so.

Yeah.

It's so wild. And no, it's true. It's like you're. The coaching industry is like a billion dollar industry. Maybe more. Don't quote me on that, but I believe it.

That makes sense.

Yeah. And it's like, how do you have the uniqueness that you bring and like your zone of genius so that people can resonate. And. And something that I'm learning too is like, is your cup of tea, or you're not everyone else's cup of tea, and you're either going to resonate or you're not. And one thing I'm learning is, is the more relatable you are, the easier it is to build that relationship with the client or the partner or whoever. Because, like. Like, I'm gonna get vulnerable for a second. Like, even in my marriage, like, as I continue to grow and deepen who I am and. And really find my own self worth, you know, he's. He's good. He's like, living the dream, right? Like, on the hamster wheel of every day, where I'm like, okay, let's go, let's go, let's move. And so that gap kind of isn't moving together. It's kind of like he's kind of staying, and I'm kind of. I. I like to think I'm evolving, you know, so it's really. It's really interesting. Just. But now I want to talk to him about that. Right? Because it's like being able to communicate with your partner, and I want to talk to you. This is your specialty. Like, I want to talk to you all about relationships and partnerships, and, like, you're. You're like, insourcing your own worthiness. And I didn't do a proper intro because we just dove right in, which is awesome. But, yeah, so it's like, I think it. It just with everything, it's relationships, right? Even, like, entrepreneurship, relationship with yourself, relationship with your partner, relationship with your friendships. Like, but it all comes back to, what do you believe about you?

Yeah. And once you change what it is you believe about you, everything changes. Your. Your career, your friendships, your. Your romantic relationships, everything. So it does. It. It all starts with you. And that was something that I feel like I learned way too late in life. But that is. Is really the crux of everything that. That I teach, everything that I share on my accounts.

Yeah. So if. If. Let's take a single woman in her 40s, okay? Single woman, 40s, no kids, successful, smart, beautiful. Right. But can't keep a guy. Like, can't it just constantly, either she. She's looking for perfectionism in him, right? Because she's over. She's like, I deserve whatever. Right? Whatever that is for her. Or they're with her for a month and then they. It's like the same pattern, like, keeps happening. What. What's going on? What's happening internally that she keeps projecting her of heartbreak, breakup, new guy, same guy is the same guy in different body. Right. So what's going on here? Like why does this keep happening for her?

Well, I definitely can't give an answer that will be universally applicable to every woman in her 40s who's single and trying to find love. There's always nuances and everyone has their own story in their journey. I will tell you, if you keep finding yourself in the same situations over and over again, it's because you have some sort of unhealed wound within you that you are trying to rectify. Now a lot of the time the wound that we carry, especially as women, but I feel like this is almost everyone in this day and age is the I'm not good enough wound, the I'm unworthy. And if you are a woman who is in your 40s and you've never been married, there can be a lot of shame attached to that. Like I failed according to what society deems successful because you're supposed to be married in your 20s or your 30s and start having babies. So. So a lot of women who cross past a certain age feel, and I see this with women in, in their 30s. I think it really is like 35 that seems to be the scary age we've all been, you know, like. Cause they make you feel like you're going to let your ovaries are going to shrivel up at 35. You're, you know, like you're. I had two kids, two of my kids, I have four kids in total. Two of them I had after 35. And they write geriatric at the top of all your forms. It's like get out of here. I am young, but I think that there is that, that fear. And so once you're operating from the place of fear, you make decisions based on fear. You make fear based decisions. So you go out with guys who otherwise if you, if your 25 year old self would have said no, then your 45 year old self also needs to say no. You're only saying yes because you feel like, well, I have to try, I have to try, I have to, maybe I need to force myself to settle. And then you just end up in a situation where history repeats itself. And then that just hammers in that preexisting belief of I'm never going to find anyone, I'm not good enough, my ship has sailed, it's over for me, I'm going to, I'm going to die alone. I mean that's really it was like your head goes from I was on a bad date to I'm going to die alone. That. That's how quickly the fear takes you from, like point A to point B. Yeah.

Yeah. So what can. Okay, so if this keeps happening. And I know it's not universal for everyone, but I know. I think 99% of people, maybe more need work. Like have some sort of worth work.

Yeah.

That can always be addressed and helped and nourished. So what's something like that can do if. Sorry, I'm getting my thoughts together. Okay, so I. She doesn't feel worthy. Right. There's something going on there. I Like not deserving or not worthy or there's some sort of upper limit that keeps happening. What. What is something that women can do to kind of insource that inherent worthiness?

Okay, first. Okay, so just to break it down to get a little bit more specific, because it's really hard to talk about this in. In huge generalities for all the women out there. Let's say this is a woman in her 40s and she's only dating guys who are emotionally unavailable, can't commit. Unfortunately, some. Something that happens when you're dating in that age range is that a lot of the men are divorced. And unfortunately, I feel like men don't heal. They say that after a breakup, women. Women feel more pain, but then women eventually heal. Men just don't heal. So something I see a lot is women are dating guys who are so traumatized by their divorce and the custody battle that. Okay, so, like, that. That is one issue we can face, but it does not mean that it's hopeless. I don't want anyone to. To feel like, oh my gosh, this is like the. The pond that I'm fishing out of. Okay. So she's drawn to. I have plenty of clients. I also just want to say. Cause I always want people to feel inspired and hopeful that have found love after 40, after 50. Okay. It's not too late. It's not too late for any of you.

Yeah. My. My husband's aunt is about to be 70 and we just went to our wedding.

So. Yeah. Yeah. It's not too late till you're dead. Okay. And then maybe in the afterlife you'll find your prison. I don't know. So she's dating guys who are emotionally unavailable. The first thing she needs to look at is, in what ways am I emotionally unavailable? Because you are what you attract. So if you are only going for people and at the same time you feel icked out you get the ick from guys who are emotionally available, who really want to be with you, who could give you all that support that you want. And you're like. Like, he chooses food too loud. I can't be around someone like this. And instead, you're only going after those guys. Okay, in what ways am I emotionally unavailable? And if you dig deeper into that, a lot of the time it's, I am scared. Sorry, I don't know how to disconnect my text messages.

You're good.

Probably. We can add that up. A lot of the times it comes down to, I am scared of being hurt. I am scared that if someone sees the real me, then they'll leave. Okay, where did that fear come from? Oh, well, when I was growing up, the only time my parents showed me love was when I was behaving a certain way and when I was acting a certain way. The rest of the time, if I was too emotional, they would. They would be mad at me. They would reprimand me. They would tell me I was being too dramatic. I was being too much. So I carried a lot of shame within myself because of that. And then you go out and you date, and you feel like my true self isn't good enough. And then you go for people who validate the way that you already feel about yourself. You already feel like no one's really going to want me. And who do you date? Guys that don't really want you. A lot of the time, it's because you're scared to face yourself. It's so much easier to get lost in someone else's drama. Especially if it's a guy who's gone through a traumatic divorce. You make it your mission to heal him, to help him learn how to trust again. And getting so lost in his life. Cause it creates a situation where you don't need to do any inner work. You're not thinking about yourself. You're not thinking about why. Why am I martyring myself here? Why am I trying to save this person? Where is that coming from? It kind of gives you this escape, this mental escape from dealing with yourself. So you really need to look at what is the pattern? Where did it come from? That's where to start.

Yeah, And I just readdressing, you know, I feel like women especially have this, like, I'm gonna save him mentality. Like, oh, he's got all this trauma, but I'm gonna be. I'm gonna be a savior. Because then they make that mean something about them, that, oh, now I'm good enough because look what I did. I trained this guy heal, right? It. It's almost like.

It.

It. It becomes a belief about themselves. Like, if I fix. Fix them now, I'm worthy versus. Versus, like, letting them be in their life and you be in your life. And, like, how can we grow and complement each other and bring the best in it out in each other? I know this just from, like, my own history of dating pre marriage. Like, I always found the fucked up guy, right? Like, I was like, oh, I'm gonna save this guy. I'm gonna be his hero. I'm gonna be the one that, you know, changes his life, and he's gonna remember me forever. Guess how well that worked out.

No, he's gonna ditch you and find somebody else now. Shiny and healed and new and. And his ability to trust has been restored. He doesn't want to be with the woman that saw him as a weak loser. This is what women really need to understand. A lot of the time we try to save these guys because we feel like our martyrdom will be rewarded with some sort of commitment. Like, of course he'll be loyal to me. Of course he'll love me, because look at what I did for him. I saved him. I healed him. I poured everything into him that's just gonna make him resent you at. At the same time, he appreciates all the love and all the gifts and you giving him all of your time and your attention and your body, but it makes him feel like less of a man. And the worst feeling in the world to a man is to be emasculated, to feel like a loser, to feel like he needs like, a woman to save him and don't want that. So you saved him. Now he's finally starting to feel a little bit better about himself. He's getting himself on his feet. And then he meets a girl who doesn't know about his loser past, like, when he. When he couldn't get it together, and she's like, wow. Like, he seems like a great man, and he wants to be with her because he wants to be with a woman that looks at him like he's the man. This is what men want. They do not want a mommy. They don't want a mommy. And you're. That is not your role. It's not your role to be his mommy or his therapist or his nurse. You're there to be his partner. You can inspire him, you can motivate him, but you can't fix him. You can't heal him. It's not your job. And it's not even possible. He has to want to fix himself. Yeah.

So, okay, let's say, well, let's just keep using the 40 year old. Why not? Okay, so she meets a guy, right? She has all these patterns from her childhood that keep showing up, but now she has the awareness, right? She's listening to this podcast, she's like, oh yeah, I do that. Okay. I have this awareness. I'm going into this date or a couple dates and life's a mirror, right? Life's a mirror. So what is like a tip or tool going in? Okay, I have the awareness I can't save him, I can't fix him, I want to support him. And what is like a shift that she can start doing now? Yeah, it takes work. And inner work is a never ending process. It never end. You're going to constantly be doing worth work and showing up for yourself and re parenting your inner child and doing all of that. But what is something like, okay, how can she show up differently? Still being her, not trying to be somebody else on these dates that really can kind of shift shit like do that shift, you know, when it just kind of clicks and you're like, oh, this is what I'm supposed to be doing. What, what does that look like?

Well, the first thing is that the work starts before she's even on the date. So before she's even on the date, she needs to get rock solid in what her must haves are and her deal breakers. She needs to get clear on what kind of life that she, what kind of life she wants. What do I want my home to look like? What do I want it to feel like? What are my values? What's important to me? If she's still hoping to have children, what sort of values do I want to bring my children up with? She needs to get crystal clear on that vision. And then if a guy comes along and he's still going through a nasty custody battle, she already has the awareness to know, okay, I, I don't need to deal with this mess. He's obviously not ready for the kind of life I want. So first you get solid on what it is that you want. Next, you really, really hammer into yourself that I will find the right person for me, I am good enough, I am worthy of love. You have to constantly be challenging that inner critic and those negative beliefs. Once all of that starts up in your head, you need to push back against it. So when you default to the I'm going to end up alone, nothing works out for me. Okay, what Is the evidence to support this? Like, what's the evidence? First of all, you'll probably get stuck there because most people don't even realize that these faulty beliefs don't even have a leg to stand on. They've just been there for so long. Okay, the. The proof is that, well, I'm still not married. Okay, is that really proof that you're gonna end up alone? No. Maybe I just haven't met the right person yet. Like being in your 40s, you are still relatively young. All of my relationships have been toxic. Okay, does that mean you're gonna end up alone? No, that means they were toxic. Those were the. I didn't have the right tools back then, but I do now. So you push back against those beliefs and you tell yourself the opposite, which is the truth. Because if you ask yourself, okay, what do I want to believe instead? Instead of this belief that I'm unworthy, I'm unlovable, instead, I want to believe I'm worthy. I want to believe that I'm going to find my person. All right, what's the evidence for that? And I guarantee you will find evidence to support that so much more easily than you would have for the negative belief. Yet we still are so aligned with the negative belief. So you push back on these faulty beliefs, on the faulty narrative. You show up on the date and all you do is be present. You be fully present. You are not looking to this person to validate your existence. You're not looking to them for approval. You remain pleasantly detached. You are completely detached from outcome. I am here because dating is discovery. And I'm going to discover if this is the right person for me. And if I see any of those red flags, if I see any sign, if he says to me, oh, I'm just having fun right now. I'm not looking for a relationship. I'm not going to take that as a challenge to try to win him over.

Believe him.

Believe him. Exactly. I've been saying this since 2010. You are going to be completely objective here. And all you're going to do is establish a baseline of chemistry, fundamental compatibility. And does he. I mean, you might not know right away if he checks off all your must haves and if he has any of your deal breakers. But you're just exploring and open to the possibilities. You have to remove your ego from the situation and just root yourself in the present, not with the worried thoughts in your own mind. That's going to completely take you out of the interaction. You just root yourself where you are and Focus on the person in front of you and trust yourself. That's what confidence is. It's trusting yourself, trusting that you can manage whatever, whatever situation you find yourself in.

So, yeah, and just. That was a lot. No, no, it's so good. This is, this is amazing. I. This is. I think every women, married or not, needs to hear this. So this is amazing information. I just want to circle back to a couple of things you touched on. So values, right? Is, I think, look, values work is, is more challenging than I thought for me, right? Because it's like I value all the things, right? And it's like narrowing it down. So what I started doing is narrowing it down to like five. What are my five top values? And before even going into a relationship, am I living these values out for myself before even going into the relationship? So, right, Maybe integrity, like, integrity is a really big value for me, right? So I'm like, okay, do I live in integrity every day, right? Am I showing up with or without a partner every day? Am I showing up in integrity? And if I'm not, where can I improve of where can I grow? Where, where could have I learned and, and done it differently, right? Or maybe family is a, is a value, right? That's going to be a big one for a lot of people. Like, how am I showing up in my family? How what? Or, or connection, right? Connection, Family. I feel like kind of go under the, the same umbrella, but it's like, how are you living out your values every single day? And if you have those values and you want those same values in your partner in order to.

Right?

It's like that's where you begin, is, am I living my values? These are my values. Am I. Can I live my own values first? And then that's going to build trust with yourself. I think a lot of women don't trust themselves in anything. In, in entrepreneurship and relationships and friendships, there's a lack of trusting being who they really are and like showing up authentically because society is saying, hey, you need to be this way. You need to be the people pleaser. If you want to receive, you need to do this. You need to be this way. And then we're not right? And then we're not true to ourselves. Going back to the childhood of whether we have abandonment attachment styles or we have anxious, whatever. Anxious, disorganized. I'm not, I'm not a psychologist, psychiatrist, but it's, it's like we have these attachment styles that play out into our reality. And if you start living your, your values you're going to show up differently with. With your partner, your relationship, your friendships, whatever. Because I think a lot of women don't even know what their values are. They think they do, but it took me a year to really get clear on, like, what are my values? Something I didn't even know was my value was efficiency. I was like, that's a boring one. I don't. That's not my value. But it is, right. Like, how can I be the most efficient with my time right. In my life? And that became really important to me. And so now I'm like, okay, am I living in efficiency? Maybe that resonates for relationships or not, but it's like really building trust for yourself.

Yeah.

By living in those values and. And that's how you're going to build confidence.

Right.

Is trusting who you are and showing up as you and not worrying about easier said than done? Right. Because I think we all fear rejection and we fear not being good enough and we fear not belonging and we fear exclusion.

Right.

Those are fears for me. And it's like, okay, how can I. How can I insource my own nourishment and my own compassion for myself? So it moves through. And I think a lot of times we try to get rid of these. Like, we try to avoid a feeling instead of just being with the feeling, allowing it to be here, breathing it into the contraction. Right. I think we were talking about Mel Robbins yesterday. I'm reading her the Let Them book and she. Like a emotion is. It's six seconds. It's like a chemical explosion in our brain. But then we. We hamster wheel it. We loop in it. We loop in the. The feeling of uncomfortable. Of discomfort. And then we create the story. So now we're showing up on this date or with this guy or with this partner in dysregulation.

Yeah, for sure. By. You touched on a lot of really important things there. I think the most important is aside. Yeah, I agree with you. Most people don't know what their values are because most people don't know who they are. There is such, like. There is such almost an erasure of self in that there. We live in a world that is so noisy, especially with social media. The other day I was scrolling on TikTok, right? And the first video I see is like that funny dance trend with the song anxiety, you know, like the Will Smith.

Right.

So I'm like laughing at that. Then the next story I see is a woman whose baby died tragically, which I'm like, okay, like press Right on my. My, like, postpartum anxiety, which, like, I've always thought, you know, like, traumatic. I'm, like, watching this, like, horrified, playing into all my mom anxieties. Then I see an influencer who's doing like, a get ready with me and talking about her weekend. And it's, like, making me nostalgic for my carefree twenties. And then I see some tragedy on the news. And now all of a sudden, I'm so sad and sad about the state of the world. And then I see a video on, okay, this is what you need to do to have more productive mornings. And then I'm like, o, now I need to get into strategy mode. Yeah, this is a good tip. So within the span of, like, not even five minutes, I felt grief, I felt nostalgia, I felt happiness and laughing. Like, I'm up and down and up and down. And that's not normal. And yet that has become our daily experience with how many hours people spend scrolling. We're so out of touch with ourselves. Once upon a time, you would, like, go to the bank and stand online and you had nothing to do while you were on that line. You were just with your thoughts. You were just thinking about your life and thinking about yourself. That doesn't exist anymore. Boredom is dead. We, oh, wait, we have our computers that are with us. We have our phones, and it's just content listening to a podcast, listening to an audiobook. Like, scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll. Like, we can't. I feel like people can't even watch TV shows anymore. Like, without. Me and my husband were watching the last of us last night, and like, every five minutes we had to, like, check our phone. Like, nobody can be present doing anything anymore. So I think that we've just lost ourselves. We've lost ourselves along the way. People don't even know what they value. Sometimes when I ask my clients, like, you know, what are your must haves? What do you want a partner? They're like, I don't really know. I never really thought about it. And it's like, how can you go out there and date with absolutely no sense of what you want in a partner and what kind of life that you want? So this is the work that really needs to be done. We have to understand ourselves. We have to understand our. Our motivations. For example, you know, if you're procrastinating one day you have an assignment for work, or there's like a video you want to film for TikTok or whatever it is, because you're like, trying to be. Make it as a, as a content creator, whatever it is, you're not doing it. Okay, why am I not doing it? It's probably because I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid that I'm not going to be good enough. So we have to look at our motivations. We have to look at what we want. We have to look at what we desire. Because a lot of the time the answer, the answer lives within us. I've never had anyone come to me with a problem that they didn't already know the answer to. They just need that. They just don't trust themselves enough to know what to do. So they see like, oh, this is like a expert that I found who knows her stuff. So if she tells me what I already know, then I can start believing it. We have to start really building trust within ourselves a thousand percent.

And it's like we're externally always looking for validation. And I know you said you're a three in the enneagram, so am I. And like our shadows are. Yeah, we need validation like that that helps us keep going and more achievements and more this and more that. And, and yeah, we can't go to the bank anymore. We're going to be scrolling because being like being in the B. Right, is scary. It's scary again, like for me, efficiency, right? I'm like, oh my God, if I'm doing nothing, I'm not being efficient right now. I don't trust myself, right? And it's like, how can we bring in the being, being with your thoughts? And the thing is, is what you were saying before is like, is it true, right? Is it true that I'm never going to get married, Right? Is it true? Like start really inquiring it. And the only thing that really hurts us is believing the thought. We have like 80,000 thoughts a day, right? Some and most of them don't affect us at all. But then when we start believing a thought that hurts us, that's when we hurt. It's just a thought. It doesn't. If you choose to inquire and go deeper and is it true? Well, do I know with a hundred percent certainty that is true?

What?

I bet my life on this. And a lot of people don't do that. They just think.

No one does that.

Yeah, they have the story, they want to believe the story and then they're going to find evidence that that story is true.

And that's what they're always activating system. Yeah, that's right.

The rise, right? And it's like the rest and it's like, well, let in. What you were saying before is like, let's find grounded examples of, of when I did trust myself or when I did feel worthy. Right? Because then, now that's going to insource that in your body. I like to think of the body as your subconscious mind, right. So it's like, okay, what I'm feeling is projecting into, into the reality. So if I'm feeling insourcing worthiness right now, I'm going to project worthiness. Like, you know, when you walk in a room and some woman, you're like, like, damn, like, look at her, she's not even doing anything there. There's, there's a confidence, there's a vibrational match inside of her own being that projects. You can tell when somebody's high vibe or not. I'm sure men can sense like a wounded puppy or not, you know, when they.

Oh yeah, we all can sense the emotional state of someone else. It's called mirroring. There's mirror neurons. This is why someone yawns and you yawn. We can pick up so much more than people realize about somebody's emotional state and where they're at. I see this with my clients all the time. I mean, I have some clients I work with that are young, they're in their 20s, they are gorgeous, like objectively beautiful. But they are so insecure and have no self worth. And they're miserable. They're really unhappy in their lives. And they go out and they're like, no, guys hit on me, like ever. And I'm like, that doesn't make any logical sense. But it does in that they're unhappy and guys feel that. We can always pick up on the energy of a really unhappy person. It's a repellent. It's also a repellent when you're relying on someone else's lifeline. When you're like, I'm unhappy. I just need a relationship to make me happy. It's like, no, be happy. And then you'll effortlessly attract a relationship. You can't outsource your feelings of worth or your confidence onto anything in the external because then you're, you're not, you're not able to regulate from within. Then you just live your life in a state of reactivity where you're constantly scanning, like, am I, am I getting approval? Do they like me? Is my, you know, do. Are men attracted to me? Is my boyfriend still interested in me? Does he still love me? You're constantly scanning. You're constantly looking at the world to tell you who you are, and it's a very exhausting space to live. Your moods are up and down, and you. You don't have a leg to stand on within yourself. You need to be. The thing with, like, being the type 3 enneagram that I've really had to learn is to stop relying on the applause. Like, to give myself the applause. Because to be an entrepreneur, I guess, I don't know, I feel, like, silly even using that word on myself. But, like, yeah, I'm. I work for myself. I've created a company, my own livelihood. You know, I've never really worked for anyone else. I was kind of like. Was like, you know, I'm going to my own job. I'm going to do that. So I guess, like, that makes me an entrepreneur. To be able to time and time again, pick yourself up by the bootstraps and say, all right, this didn't work. I'm going to try it this way. This didn't work. I'm going to try this way. I got this. I can do this. I'm going to succeed at this. And if it doesn't work this way, I'm going to do it that way. That takes grit. That takes so much grit. And if you are reliant on other people to tell you you're going to make it, you're going to do it, you're going to do good, you're gonna. You're not gonna go very far in life. You have to have that internal resilience in anything. And dating, I mean, this is the voice that I try to give to my clients because for the time they work with me for, you know, and usually I work with people for a pretty short period of time because, like, I want. I want to set you straight, and then I want you to be on your way. And I feel like I failed if, like, after three months, like, you're not there yet, like, okay, like, well, a lot of the time it's them, and, like, they have to do the exercises and the practices. I can be that voice for you while we're working together and teach you how to do this. But the biggest gift I can give anyone, what makes it so valuable, what makes it, you know, the best money that you'll ever spend, is that I teach you how to have that voice within yourself. The voice that says, I got this, I got this. I'm going to be okay. That's what anybody. That's all anybody wants to feel. Okay. That's why the name of my podcast is you will be okay. That's what we want. But we have to give it to ourselves. And instead we outsource it and usually to the wrong things.

Yeah. And just to touch on that, a way to really give it to yourselves. Right.

It.

Conceptually I think it all makes sense. It's like, yeah, I am worthy. I, I'm gonna give it to myself. I'm, I'm gonna be me. And conceptually you can say it, but it's like you have to live it. You have to believe it and you have to write like the be do have. It's like be happy first. Right. Then the, the result will show. It's like, what, what does that look like? Be it, do it, have it instead of happy do, which I think a lot of us are. Oh, when I have the relationship, then I'll be happy. It's like, no, no you, you won't. So it's like, what can you do right now that's gonna make you be happy? What I do with my clients is like we go under the hood, right? We, we take that, that, that blanket, we unravel that thread and it's like, okay, where is that image in your life when you start. Started to feel you weren't good enough? Because that's where it starts is before 7, right? It's that programming before we were 7 years old. Like you said earlier in the conversation, like how did our parents were. Well, did we receive love only when we achieve something right. Us threes over here, you know? And it's like, oh well, in order to receive love, I have to achieve. So if I achieve this man now I'm lovable. And it's like, where can we reparent yourself in that moment when you first remember feeling this sensation in your body of not good enough and nourish that younger part of you from a higher self, from a higher love or even from a parent. Like you can almost script what did you need from your parent in that moment to let it move through. We're not trying to get rid of anything. It's. It's who it may like your life is who you are. Like you're programming. But we can reprogram it in a way for it to work in a, in a positive way instead of this self fulfilling process. Prophecy of toxic relationship or negative or being single for the rest of my life or dying alone. You know, it, it's really interesting and this is where I, I do feel support really can help you clear, clear those things that, that are holding you back.

Oh yeah. I mean like it's possible to do on your own, but it's really, really difficult. It really, really helps to have. Have someone like a coach. That's why I think coaching is so powerful, really guiding you and leading you there. And in terms of what you were saying with the, the childhood wounds, one of the most powerful exercises that I think you can do is write out the childhood that you wish you had had. Write it out. It's. It's very emotional and people tend to resist doing it because it brings up a lot. But all those, those, Those needs that were unmet that you wish had been met in your. What you write out, this is what the work that you need to do is giving those things to yourself. That emotional support that you didn't get, that validation that being proud of you, even when, like, okay, you didn't get an A on the test, like, even when you weren't perfect at your job or whatever it is in adulthood, you probably ripping yourself apart about it, but that's because your parent made you feel stupid and made you feel inadequate when you didn't get a good grade on the test. Test. So in adulthood, if something doesn't go perfectly, which not everything will, because that's not possible, you need to be the one to say to yourself, that's okay. Like, you did great. You'll. You'll do better next time you learn your lesson. You're smart, you're capable. That's what you need to give yourself, because that's what you needed someone to give to you. And unfortunately, we cannot travel back in time and redo our childhood and have. Have it all go perfectly. So what we need to do is fix those wounds in adulthood.

Yeah. Yeah. And. And I think it's through compassion. Right? We're. We're. The inner critic is so loud. And it's like all the judgments keep coming through. And it's like when you can forgive the judgments that you have about yourself and, and really state your truth, it moves through. It moves through. It doesn't. It doesn't stay trapped and confined and then project onto this date where you're like, well, God, did he like me or did he not like me? Who cares if he liked you or not? You're. You like.

Yeah, right. Absolutely. Absolutely. That's. That's the key. This is what it means to be fully detached. I feel like it's been such a trendy buzzword these days. It is. It's not about being cold. It's not about being nice Queen. It's not about being a bitch you know, it's about. It's not about being the black cat, like now, that's the. The caricature that this idea has taken on. It's just about regulating within, like being your own thermostat, not needing someone else to. To warm you up. Up. It's about knowing that I will be okay no matter what. I got this. I can do this. Guy doesn't want me. He doesn't want to keep dating me. That's fine. All it means is he wasn't the right person for me. It does not.

Let them.

Exactly. Let them. Like, this is not further proof to put in my emotional piggy bank of like, all the evidence that, that I'm unworthy, that I'm a loser, that I'm unlovable. No, like, this is the work. This is what people don't understand. The work is that when I'm faced with this situation where I went on a date and I thought it went great, and then the guy said, you know what? Like, I'm not really feeling it. The work is okay. Am I going to be destroyed by this? Am I going to punish myself? Am I going to go, like, drink half a bottle of wine and cry about it or binge eat or starve myself or go out wearing something? Like, wearing something that's barely there just so I get male attention? I feel good about myself? Like, am I going to hit the self destruct button? Am I going to sit and ruminate about it? Am I going to analyze and overanalyze every single thing I said on the date and what I wish I had said? Am I going to read my text messages? Am I going to gut myself and say, oh, you screwed up again. You're a screw up. You're going to screw up everything? Or am I going to say, you know, this is a bummer. I thought we had something. Clearly he saw something that I didn't. He saw that we're not a match. And I would have seen it eventually. Like, eventually I would have gotten the clarity too. He just arrived there first, and I'm grateful he did after only one or two dates. I'm grateful that it ended before I was even more invested. He's not my person, okay? Now I can just move on. We can make that decision. People feel like they can't because it feels so automatic when those thoughts come flooding in, when those wounds get activated, you see, like you're a fool. How. How dare you think that something would work out for you, you silly little girl. Right? We have that nasty, nasty Voice in our head. The work is now I'm gonna look at this from a different perspective, and it's gonna feel weird. It's going to feel uncomfortable. Change is always uncomfortable. When you go back to the gym after you haven't been there in, like, years, it's going to be uncomfortable. It's not going to feel good. This doesn't mean that you're doing the wrong thing. Like, you're on the right path and you're going to keep doing it and you're going to keep at it. You're going to keep at it. It's going to be hard. And then all of a sudden, it just becomes wired in and it just becomes your new normal. Like, okay, fine, this person, not for me. That's okay. I'm gonna pick myself up and move on.

Yeah, it's the power. The power of resistance, too, right? Like, when you go to the gym, like, you have to have resistance in order to build muscle. Yeah.

And it's not comfortable. Like, if you go to the gym, you're like, oh, I didn't feel a thing. That was nothing. Okay, fine, you did nothing. Like, you got nowhere. You stayed exactly where you are. You have to push yourself. You have to push yourself. And you shouldn't be, like, dying in agony here, but you have to push yourself. And it's going to be a little uncomfortable. It's, you know, holding that plank for, like, a few extra seconds, and you're just like, I don't want to do this anymore. But, like, that's what's getting you stronger little by little.

Yeah. And when. And it's like when you want to lean out and you want to give up, lean in, right? And. And be a scientist, Right? Like, look at all of this as you're a scientist and you're just testing everything out. You're testing this relationship out.

Okay, okay. That's okay.

That doesn't mean anything about me. It just wasn't a match.

Exactly. That's fine. Not everyone's a match. If it was that easy, like, I wouldn't have a job, Right? Like, this way, millions. Millions and millions of people out there looking for love and trying to figure this out, but nothing in life that is. That is worth it is ever easy. I mean, you know, some people do have it easy. I guess with love. They marry the first person they ever dated. And that's great, but I guarantee you they have immense struggles in other areas for some of us, okay, Love is the struggle. This is going to be my struggle and my struggle in life. But you know what? Like, this is going to be where I grow. Because our struggles in life are our biggest growth opportunities. And so we have to embrace the struggle, okay? We don't want it. We don't want it to be there, but we have to embrace it. Because this is what I meant to go through in my life in order to grow. And I struggled so immensely with my relationships. I mean, that's. And I always felt like when I was going through it all, I always felt like my, my pain has to have a purpose. This can't just be for nothing. And then I realized, okay, obviously the purpose was in helping me grow and develop up and stop being someone who is so self destructive, because that was my biggest problem for a long time. And instead, I mean, I created a career writing about my relationships, talking about my past relationships. And the stories that were the most painful for me at the time are the ones that resonate. I mean, there are certain guys where when I tell the story about those relationships, it just goes instantly viral and resonates with so many people. It's like, okay, that was the point of that story. That's why I had to get cheated on by that narcissist. And that's why I spent a year chasing after the emotionally unavailable guy who dumped me after two dates and couldn't let it go. Because these are the universal experiences that women go through. And they feel so alone. And they feel like. They feel like they're the only one that has been through this. They feel ashamed. They feel like they're never going to get out of it. And I feel like, yeah, I went through a lot in my love life, but I've been able to have this large platform where I can speak on the things I've been through. And all these women feel less alone. And if I had had that when I was going through it, it would have been everything to me. I had nothing when I was going through it. Well, I mean, like, I. If I was struggling in my relationship, I'd watch Sex in the City, like, for advice, you know, like, it was either you watch an episode of Sex in the City or you read Cosmo magazine, which was not the best advice. It was pretty much all just like, sex tips and like, this is how to get his attention. There wasn't anything. There were no. There were no coaches. There was, there was no social media, really. I mean, what do we have? Facebook and MySpace? Like, you weren't getting valuable relationship content. Nobody was saying to work on yourself to build your self worth. Not or if they were saying that they weren't telling you how to do it, I was like, okay, like, okay, but how, how you're telling me be happy, have self esteem. How, how do I do it? Like, nobody was talking about it. So I feel like, yeah, I took all that and I'm someone who went from being at the bottom and really, really fought for myself to, to become the person that I wanted to be and to finally have self respect and to date as somebody who loved herself, not somebody who just wanted to punish herself by reliving the same horrible experiences over and over again.

Yeah. And I mean, I'm so appreciative of your journey because that's how I found you and ended up married with family. And, you know, it's been just such a beautiful testament of the work that you do and how you show up for yourself and how you show up for others. And really I, I feel your heart and I know you just are there to serve and help women feel really empowered and showing up in their true, authentic self. And it's really beautiful to watch. And, you know, I've watched my best, you know, and you know, I, I've watched you grow, you know, from, I think your first book. I think I even read that.

Which one? He's not.

I, I don't, you know, this was over 10 years ago. I don't know, but, but I, I know, I, I, I was so excited to, to have you on because you were one of my first mentors on the sidelines. Right. And now I get to talk to you in person. This is so cool. But no, it's just been, it's been a beautiful journey to watch and I am forever, ever grateful for everything that you're doing and how you're showing up and the way you're serving these women. And I just wanted to ask you one more question before we go. What is something that somebody can do in the next 24 hours to really just start shifting the way they show up?

Okay. I want them to sit and spend about 30 minutes to an hour writing out where they want, what they want their life to look like within the next three to five years and to be as detailed and specific as possible and to make it really, like, emotional, you know, within the next three years. I am married to the love of my life and we have two children and we live in this sort of house and this is my career. And I wake up feeling so grateful and so fulfilled. I want you to write about what your friendships are like, how you feel when you wake up in the morning. How involved are you in your community? What volunteer work do you do? What's your relationship like? How do you look at each other? How do you feel about each other? And then I want you to read that every single day. Well, that goes beyond just the 24 hours. The next thing I want you to do is to. If you really want to challenge yourself, I would say for 18 days, list 18 things that you're grateful for and try not to repeat too often. Like, at least every day, more than half the list should be new things that you haven't already said. This truly rewires your brain and it really, really changes the way that you experience life, the way that you. Because. Because every day you're going to be looking for things to be grateful for. And most of us have a negativity bias. And we're always looking for what we're. What's going wrong in our life instead. Maybe it's like a survival instinct. I think that it is. So instead, I want you to look at what's going right in my life. And above all, the biggest thing that you can do is decide, I don't want to be this way anymore. Like, if you're someone who struggles with self esteem, self worth. Worth. If you are unhappy in your life, I'm ready to change. I'm ready because you have to be ready. Mel Robbins says this a lot, too. We love her. Right. She says people only change when they feel like it. And sometimes you have to hit rock bottom in order to feel like changing. I feel like people come to me and I'm sure it's the same for you when they're at the bottom. You don't have to wait to be at the bottom to decide that you want to change, but you do have to get to a point where you are like, I don't want to be here anymore. Where you decide it's going to be different for me. I'm going to be different. And know that you can change. It is possible. It's called neuroplasticity. Our brains can constantly be rewired. And we didn't always know this. I mean, this is relatively new in the field of psychology. I think only within the last 50 years. Until then, they thought, no, you develop until a certain point, and then you're just kind of stuck and you are where you are, and that's how you're going to be the rest of your life. And then they realized, no, that's not true. Actually. Actually, our brains are always changing our Brains are always being rewired throughout your entire life, even until old age. They've had studies that have shown this. You can change. You can change your thoughts, you can change how you feel about yourself. You can change the things that happen to you. But you have to realize that it's possible. And you realize it just by deciding. By deciding and making it so.

Yeah, I love that. You have to want it. You have to want it more than you fear it.

Absolutely. Yeah.

Well, thank you so much for coming on the show today. I just for. Just to end it it on a perfect note. Where can people find you? Where do you hang out? If people want to connect with you, let us know and I'll put them all in the show notes for everybody also. But. But where do you hang out the most? Where can people find you and work with you?

Okay, well, thank you so much for having me. This was so fun. I always love doing these things. People can find me at Sabrina Bandori on YouTube, on TikTok, on Instagram, on Facebook. Book. And my podcast is you will be okay. And I have a book called you're overthinking it. You can find that pretty much anywhere where you find books, but it's on Amazon. And where. Yeah, that's where you can find me. And where I hang out is like.

In my house with my kids.

I feel like I need to start. I do want to start doing more, like speaking stuff and meeting people. Maybe when my kids are a little bit older and I'm not so ragged and exhausted. I'll get to that.

No, you got to start being now, girl.

I know it's hard. I have a lot of children. It's hard. Yeah.

No, so great. Thank you. Thank you again so much.

My pleasure. This was great. Thanks so much.