Don't Treat your Kid Like an Idiot

I feel like when you give examples of your real life circumstances and situations that have happened, your kid doesn't feel so alone. And I think when they're going through these big feelings, they feel like they're the only ones and it doesn't happen to anyone else and there's something wrong with them. And so when you can come back to like the examples, I love that. I think giving examples of real life situations are really, really important. I do this with my son all the time, so he doesn't feel so alone. Because when you don't feel so alone or you are relatable even for your children and your kids like you, you build connection. There's neurotransmitters that happen in your brain. I could have this science a little off, but they can, they create connection. And I think that's why a lot of people are like, oh, misery loves company. Because it's like a bonding, like a dopamine for them.

Into today's episode, I wanted to share with you that this is the first time I've done an interview style podcast. Obviously, I'm very new to podcasting and just trying to find our way. So I started with an interview with my best friend on a little bit on parenting and showing up for your kids and not treating them like an idiot. It also kind of jumps around a lot because that's just kind of how we are and we change topics a lot. We pretty much stayed on the topic of parenting, but it did kind of jump around a little bit on how to discipline your kids, how to communicate with your kids, how to talk to your kids. And I'm really excited to share this and to really get your feedback on it. I am going to start doing more interview style podcasts and I can't wait to start sharing more nuggets and really exploring different perspectives and really showing up for ourselves so we can be the.

Wholeness and uniqueness that we are. So welcome to the Rise, Shine and Redefine podcast and I am here with the lovely Dana Follett. She is my best friend and we are going to talk things all about not treating your kid like an idiot. So with that said, I wanted to kind of dive in on what do you think There are some things people can do or parents can do that would represent them not underestimating their children. Yeah. So I'm asking like, what your thoughts are on what you think might be beneficial to parents as far as being open and honest with them, not treating them like an idiot, treating them like a human and not Somebody who doesn't know what you're talking about. Because at the end of the day, our kids are probably a lot smarter than we think they are.

Yeah. Should we talk about why this is important and why this came up? Because I feel like that's just important, too.

Yeah. Yeah. Let's dive into an example of what kind of made us want to talk about. Don't treat your kids like an idiot.

Do you remember?

I remember.

Okay. You want to say it?

Sure. So Dana and I talk pretty much every single day. And one of the topics that came up is that her. Her friend does not have a relationship with her mother. And instead of being honest with her child about how, you know, they are having a hard time, they're not speaking, she made up an excuse that she lives really far away, and that's why they cannot have a relationship. And for Dana and for myself, it makes it sound like, well, if people are far away, you can't have a relationship with them. So going forward and trying to figure out other ways parents can be honest with their kids and be open to communication, open to real relationships, and understanding that not everyone is perfect. And sometimes we have hard times and hard ways of connecting. We have old traumas. We have different things. We're trying to protect our kids so much, but at the end of the day, like, we don't want our kids to have to be so reliant on us that they can't survive in the real world. And when you're lying and faking everything to be perfect when it's not, or giving excuses that aren't even true, this can cause little traumas in their development. It can cause them to be people pleasers. It can change their belief systems on what is right and what is wrong. So I just kind of want your opinion on what are we? What is something you would do differently? I know you have a really good relationship with your son, and I know you're really open and honest with him all the time, and he's able to come to you with little problems, big problems, all the problems, no problems. And it's just the emotional intelligence that your son has. It's so admirable that I really want to hear your thoughts on, you know, how would you approach this example differently?

I love it. And you actually made a really good point, too, that it's also saying you can't have relationships with people far away. That's another good point, because what if they have a friend who moves across the country? Then does that mean they can't be friends? Anymore, you know, or you can't have a relationship with family that's in a different state, which I can relate to. So, um. And you and I have a better relationship than I do with my next door neighbor. So that also is, you know, something that is an important thing to point out. But so I also, as we mentioned, I do not have a relationship with my mother and she lives in a different state. My take on it is to very, without giving too much detail, explain my relationship with her and why. It hurts my heart to have that kind of relationship where you feel like you're doing everything you can and it's just never good enough. So that's my personal story. And I want him to understand that it does not mean that I don't.

Love her or care about her.

It just means that sometimes being in a relationship with someone that's unhealthy is something you sometimes have to step away from, sometimes temporarily, sometimes permanently. And it does not mean he does not have to have a relationship with her. And he certainly can, and she certainly loves him and loves us both. And I want him to know that it should not affect their relationship. But that's my decision, and I support him doing what he needs to do. And it teaches him that it's okay to have a problem with somebody. It's okay to say, I'm not going to put up with this anymore, regardless of it's your parents or a friend or a spouse. And I also want him to know how long I tried. You don't just give up on relationships, especially important ones, but you don't have to be in a relationship with someone just because they're related to you. And you also don't have to not have a relationship because they're far away. So I'd rather just be honest with him and let him know. He's also 11, so our conversation has probably gotten a little bit deeper the older he's gotten or the more questions he asks. So I kind of let him guide me on what things he's interested in knowing versus oversharing. I think that's something we have to.

Be careful of, too. Yeah. Because we don't want our children to feel like we're a victim. We need to be their role model. And also, I think it really comes down to boundaries. Like. Like, you are so good at setting boundaries. Like, I want to dive in so much more about this because I feel like we're always in freeze mode. Right. Like, a lot of our families, a lot of our parents are baby boomers, and they were in this place of sweeping things under the rug. Everything's perfect on the outside. You were to be seen, but not heard. Your voice didn't matter. And I think breaking that cycle and getting parents to really show up for their kids and role model and break that cycle of knowing what a real relationship is and being honest and having integrity, because so my son Wesley is five and I'm trying to really hard to teach them integrity and understand of communicating and like understanding validating feelings and feelings are okay. And I think what happens is going back to the example and circling back to your friend who doesn't want to tell her kids about the relationship with her mom. It's showing this like, distrust almost with like, who you really are in your authentic self because you want to pretend like everything's fine because you think you're protecting your children, but in reality you're really creating emotional resistance in a negative way instead of in a positive way. So when you can set boundary.

What.

Is acceptable, not acceptable with honesty and integrity by sharing, hey, you know, my relationship with my mom isn't as great, or dad, I'm sorry, I don't know if it's parents or just mom, but my relationship, like, if her relationship isn't solid and she thinks it's easier to lie to her child, what is, what is that setting up for this child? And what do you think are ways that can this parent can do differently? Because I don't think you can just go and oh, grandma's far away. So we're not, you know, we don't talk much, but then all of a sudden be like, hey, by the way, we haven't talked in 10 years. And that's why. So what you think is like a good stepping stone of that somebody could take from this of like, okay, how can I build a better communication with my child that's also going to maybe build a better communication with their par. Because if you're the role model and you're always in this negative space with the parent, you're almost going to inevitably pass that along to your child. And that's going to be the program programming for your child. So what do you think in this circumstance your friend can do to kind of guide her children to hey, let's talk about relationships and what if and not working overwhelming.

It's definitely a balance. But something that comes to mind, and it's usually a good time for me to talk to my son about relationships is when he has issues with his own friends, because it is just to him at that Moment. It's just as important to him as my relationship is to my mom, you know, in just what he's experienced. So when your child has a, you know, a fight with their friend, or if he's upset with somebody or someone's talking to him or calling him names, that's a good time to talk about setting boundaries, what you're willing to put up with, how you respond to people, what good relationships look like, what healthy relationships looks like. But I think setting a boundary at that age is really important. When it's not, I don't want to say, not that big of a deal, but like, maybe not as big of a deal as we think it is. In their mind, it's a big deal. So it's a good way to kind of start training them to do that, trying to think of an example. So, okay, well, here's, here's one. So Will's fighting with his. Or him and his buddy are taking six month break right now. Girls did that, but apparently boys do that. So they're taking break. And I can't. I mean, he, he's gonna always say things that make him sound like it's the other person's fault. And I know that. So also, like, we don't think our kids are perfect, but we don't think they're wrong all the time. Right. Like, and I'm trying to be better at validating his feelings. Like, oh, you know, you've taught me that. Like, I know it must really be hard to feel that way. Or it's so frustrating when you have a friend that's upset with you. I totally understand. So starting to teach them in these situations that are real to them. And then at that point when you want to talk about a bigger relationship for you, you could say, hey, remember when you had that situation with your friend where you, you know, I taught you something, that's kind of what I had to do with grandma, or that's kind of what, you know, someone is doing with someone else. So what, what I told, what I told him, again, not knowing the other person's side is, you know, if you don't like how someone talks to you, you know, everyone makes mistakes. I started off by saying that I'm like, every friendship looks different. There's friendships that take breaks, there's friendships that end. There's friendships that, you know, people aren't honest with each other. There's a million different kinds and you're going to have all of them. So in this situation, if this is someone that you want to make it work with. Because you and I have talked about that. Do you want to fix it or do you not want to fix it? And those are two different routes, right? So if you want to fix it.

Here'S what you do.

You say, listen, you know, you apologize for what you've done. Apologize for you made. How you made the person feel, no matter whose fault you think it is, that's. That's you doing the right thing, right? And then you say what they did to hurt you. You know, I really didn't like it when you said I suck at basketball or whatever. You know, I really. It really hurts my feelings because I'm trying really hard. So the next time you tell me that I suck at basketball, then, you know, I'm just gonna hang up the phone on you, or I'm just gonna take another break or I'm gonna be really upset or whatever it is that you feel like you are gonna need to do to make sure that you don't put yourself in that situation again. So you tell them what you expect, and then you tell them what's gonna happen if they don't meet those expectations. And then you realize who the good people in your life are if they respect your boundaries. We've talked about that. And sometimes it's someone having to break their cycle of just. You know, we've had to do that. There's times that I've had to shut my mouth because I want to say something, and I've. I've learned I have to be quiet. So. And obviously, our kids watch us, too. They watch.

They watch what we do.

So just teaching them in those situations how to act properly. And the other thing I was going to say, totally off subject, because, you know, we always do this, is you mentioned that, like, our parents generation was like, children, like, would you say, be seen and not heard. How did you say that? Not be seen and heard?

Oh, yeah. Our job was to be seen but not heard. Okay.

So the other thing I want to make sure of, like, that our generation isn't, like, overcompensating for it, where we're letting our kids talk over us and be disrespectful or talk over other adults that are speaking. I have noticed that before that if I'm talking to an adult and their kid walks up and interrupts. Like, I notice if they say, hey, Dana's talking. Let her finish. Or if they just let them interrupt. And I have realized that it's the same people who don't know boundaries who do the same things over and over not knowing how to set boundaries that are also letting their kids be disrespectful to other adults. So you can see the pattern in them not knowing what to do with their parents, their friends, you know, or they're teaching their kids that it's okay. So I feel like it kind of all goes together, so. But I do notice our generation is kind of getting better, but I. I don't know. Does that make sense?

Like, what? Yeah, So I. I completely agree with you. I think there has definitely been an overcompensation with our kids. Gentle parenting is, you know, the new fad of. But at the same token, it's like, at what point is there a good mixture of, like, understanding, overcompensating for your child, which turns into type entitlement, and then there's the. Okay, the disciplinary respect boundaries that they understand so that they set boundaries when they're older and can have more resilient relationships. And I think what there is becoming. I think the older, the. The old. I don't say we're old, but they're old. The people that are the parents that are like, in their 40s, that are kind of like the old millennials. Is that what they're called? New Millennial, Old millennials, Elder. The elder Millennium Millennial, and then the Gen X. Yeah, those are going to be. The people in their 40s right now are really, I feel like the ones that are kind of the best of both worlds, because we were brought up with the parents know all. You listen to them, you don't talk back, you don't do anything else. And then. But also with this whole parent ways of parenting that are coming. And so it's like, where is that mixture? Because, yeah, you can gentle parent and you can validate their feelings. I am all about validating feelings. But when they get in the real world and somebody's screaming and yelling at them and not validating their feelings, like, how are they going to handle that? And I feel like we're just such. In this whirlwind of what to do, what not to do. Like, there's so many perspectives on how to show up for your kids, but at the end of the day, it's like, have integrity. And what does integrity mean? Like, integrity can mean so many different things to so many different people. And if you can be honest and authentic. But what's authentic? Right. Okay, what does that mean? Like, being yourself. And I think people lose sight of that. And you're trying to be this, like, amazing parent on the outside, you know, and like trying to do all the right things. But like internally you're a screaming little kid yourself. You're a seven year old self trying to handle and trying to figure it all out and it all gets so lost in translation and then we're just lost. So now we're letting our kids do whatever they want because we don't want to be like our parents have whatever and have what? Whatever they want. So right now for me, like with Wesley, he is very in this give me, give me, give me mindset. And so I'm like whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like it were about growth and we're about giving. So while he's five, reprogramming him to giving and growing versus give me get, I get, get, get, get is when you want to kind of start. And I think if your kids are older, you, you're, you haven't lost hope. Like it's just, you know, getting in this mindset of like when you can serve, when you can give, when you can show up for somebody. Start with your neighbor. Like what has happened to humans are so enticed with world of social media. We want this perfect life and we want this perception of us to be like we have it all together but let's be real. Nobody has their stuff together. We're all of a. And, and how you make things better is you start with yourself and you start with your internal economy. So you know, we're here. Don't, don't treat your kids like an idiot. Right, like back to that back. I mean, but it's true. It's like we go in like, like babying our children. No, like be real, be honest. Don't be the victim. Don't, don't. First teacher, you're the role model. They're reliant on you for the next 10 to 15 years. Like how are you going to be on a game for your kids that shows boundaries, that shows integrity, that shows resilience, that shows emotional frustration tolerance. And I think when you start incorporating these kind of skills into your family dynamic, then you're going to raise beautiful, resilient children with secure attachments. And I think right now we don't have secure attachments and I think it makes it really challenging for them. They become the people pleaser, they become the narcissist. And that's a topic for another day. But yeah, so it's really treat your kids with respect that you would want them to treat you with. Like you want your kids to be honest with you. If there's a Problem at school. You want them to be able to come to you and not sweep it under the rug like, oh, well, you know, I just didn't eat my lunch today because I wasn't hungry. When in actuality some kid told your your lunch looked gross and you were scared of that kid to eat it. And now here's all this judgment and bullying and all these things are getting incorporated into your life because you as a parent aren't being honest with your kid about connections, relationships, standing up for yourself, believing in who you are and not being outside influence change that. And I think in this day and age, it is so hard because of social media, the parents who are probably teaching their kids something's growth. So don't eat it when actually this lunch is so healthy and it has the rainbow and now some kids telling you gross how I'm going to make fun of you if you eat it.

And again, that kind of goes with like, you teach people. I treat you like it kind of goes like, your kids watch how you and your spouse talk to each other. They watch how you and your friends interact with each other. They watch what you walk away from and when you stick up for yourself and you know, when you let people cut you off in the line in the grocery store, you that, hey, you know what you tell people that is not okay. Like, people, you tell your kids, like, you don't let someone treat you poorly if someone cuts you off in line. I mean, by you, me, when someone cuts me off in line, you know, I'm gonna read, I'm gonna be like, dude, I was there first. Right? Like, but I will also be the first person, if I have a whole thing of grocery cart and someone has two things, I'm the first person to let them go in front. So you're teaching them, don't let someone, you know, cheat, cheat you out of something. Don't let people be disrespectful to you, but also take the opportunities to be kind. So I feel like actually going grocery shopping is a great time to pretty much teach all life lessons, you know, I agree 100%. A whole podcast on just lessons you can teach grocery shopping. But that is something, you know, that we do need to really work on is like, these are real life situations that are good parenting opportunities because they seem little. But you are teaching your kids what is acceptable, an acceptable way for them to be treated and what is a way you should treat other people. And you know, is it okay to let things go sometimes? Yeah. I mean, if someone has a baby with them and they. The baby's screaming and they cut you off, then fine, just, you know, smile at them and say, oh, that person's probably having a hard day, you know, but yeah, no, it's always a good time to have those real honest conversations. And don't treat your kid kind of going back to it like an idiot. Talk to them like they're a person because they are observing, whether you know it or not. I remember, like, when, back when I was a single mom, Will would just listen to all my phone conversations, and I didn't realize he was doing that, but until I would hang up and he'd be like, oh, what happened? Are you in a fight with this person? That I have to agree. How do. How do I explain this to him instead of just saying, no, you can't know about that. You know, none of your business. I don't. I never told him that. I mean, there's probably been times I've told him that. But, you know, this person really, you know, hurt my feelings when they said this or this person didn't invite me to a party. And here's. Here's. I'm feeling sad, but this is how I'm talking myself through it. So. So, you know, it kind of goes back to. They're listening all the time and they're observing and they're watching and total kind of. Another friend story is I remember I met one of my old neighbors for the first time, and her kids were. We're all at a pool party, and I saw the way her kids were talking to her, her daughter, specifically. And I think I told you this story, and I was, like, shocked. She was, like, calling her mom dumb and like, maybe she even called her. She was like an idiot in front of people. And I'm like, what the heck? And then I realized later on that that is how her husband at the time was talking to her. So her daughter was just kind of copying the way that her, you know, her dad was talking to another. A woman, a person, which is not acceptable. You know, you don't let someone talk to you like that. And I understand in a marriage, it's a different dynamic, but. And there's marriages that have issues, and that's fine, but you still need to take those as learning opportunities to say, hey, you know, dad and I are having a disagreement, but I want you to understand I'm not okay with that. And I'm going to talk to dad about that separately, because obviously we don't want to fight in front of our kids. But it always needs to be addressed. My opinion.

Yeah. So if you were to mix discipline and gentle parenting in a situation like that, how would you. Because we don't want to react. Right. Because we want to respond. So let's go back to that example. You're a mom and you're at a party and your child starts calling you names in front of multiple people. Yeah. Because of what they learned at home. But okay, we want to break that cycle. We want to start setting boundaries. We want to create resilience, we want to create respect. What can this mom do in this situation? And I'll give my thoughts also on ways I think you can address the situation. But I'm curious, what is a tip for a mom that's dealing with this situation of their kid, you know, giving them a hard time in public? And yeah, kids are going to tantrum and they're going to have big feelings, but name calling is an absolute. No, no. So what is something this been programmed to hear? And it has been programmed to say that we can do to maybe step out of this cycle of being called needs and being treated with disrespect, which isn't this drastic extreme boundary, from zero boundary to extreme boundary. Like what's something they can do?

And you know, and again, I think it probably is different with, depending on the age of the child, but pretty much the same idea. I mean, you. It's not okay. So it's not something you laugh off. And I think that I have this problem where like sometimes if I'm in an uncomfortable situation, I kind of like freeze and I'm like, you know, so like, we have to like, be prepared for what's gonna happen in that situation. But it's all about breaking that cycle. And again, we keep going down to like setting boundaries like you are just even before you think of anything, like you're okay with no one talking to you like that. I don't care if it's your husband, someone that works for you, your child. Like, no one should name call in any situation. So again, you probably have a better idea, but I would probably pull them out of the situation, maybe even pull them slightly hard physically on their wrist out of that situation. As in, this is not a good pull out. And you, you say, listen, we're not in front of other people. I don't, I don't like disciplining in front of other people. I feel like it just embarrasses them and then they get bitter. But you pull them aside and you say, you know what you Cannot talk to mom like that. And because you did, the consequences, we're leaving. We're leaving. And that way they know not only are you not putting up with it, but there's consequences when you treat people like that. So in this situation, we're leaving the pool party, you're done, you're out. Right. So maybe next time they'll think twice about it. And then they know when you treat people poorly, it affects your relationship with them and there's consequences. So we, we would hope in that situation they would, they'd understand. But I think the more and more you do that, the easier it gets. I don't know, what's your thought?

Yeah, so I think it's really challenging. You know, I've been doing something of a conscious discipline with my child since he was literally before he was 2. So I've personally never been in this situation of my child calling me names. So I haven't had the challenge of that circumstance to really go. What?

I'm not either, luckily.

Yeah. So it's a hard answer because I haven't had to navigate. However, what I think I would do is I would leave. I would probably pull them aside in a very non obvious way because it's still shame. They feel shame really, really easily. And if you're going to shame them in front of people, they're gonna keep doing it.

So we agree. Side thing. I'm sorry, we both agree on the pulling to the side thing. Not in front of other people.

Yeah. Like there has to be a gentle way of pulling them away from other people and yelling at your kids and telling them what they did was wrong. Like in an aggressive way, stop them. So I agree. You create, they have a choice. You give them choices. Like, hey, I'm gonna give you a choice. We're gonna stay at this party and you can apologize or I don't like making people apologize. But you can just recognize like, hey, that didn't make anyone feel good. So if you can look at it and have the choice of staying, then we can stay. But if you think that you're going to do it, we're going to leave. And you're kind of giving them this autonomy and independence of a choice. And I think for the first time they're going to feel this power of independence. And I feel like if your kids are calling you names, they don't feel independent. They don't feel independent for who they are. And it's really important for them to feel that. The other thing, there's something I like to call Repair I closed on this, Dr. Kennedy. And when your kids are calm and they're not in any kind of fight, flight, or freeze, and they feel safe, and they feel they're using their executive brain, meaning, like their thinking brain. I like to do what's called the time machine. So you take them back to the situation, and it's like. Because what happens is they're going to get a trauma, a little trauma. Not. Not a big trauma. Not. Not like beating, like, not where they were sexually assaulted. These are called, like, little tease, where they're little things that happen to kids that kind of change their nervous system and like, it, like, think of a railroad track and there's like, a fork, and it takes you on one path versus another. So it's like, if you can take them back to get on the right track, you can reprogram the way that situation worked out. And the way I do it is like, okay, we're going to get in a time machine, going to go back to that situ situation, and we're going to. We're going to go through this scene and like, okay, what happened before they got called names, right? Because something in their body triggered them. Something. Something happened for them to call you a name, and you want to find out what that is. But if you're trying to find that out at the party, you're not going to find it because their emotions are too big, and they don't understand their emotions like your emotions. Like, you don't understand your emotions until I think you're, like, 24 years old. So because your prefrontal cortex isn't fully developed, so you want to take them back there and find Almost Reverse engineer, like, okay, wait, what happened right before you called me a name? And your kid is calm at this point because it's the next day or two days later or whatever it may be when you have this conversation, and you can be like, oh, a kid pushed you. Oh, okay, okay, well, why did that kid push you? Like, what happened before that? And you kind of get to this root cause of what happened, and then once you're there, you kind of understand this root cause. Now you're going to reprogram the brain into that memory of being something that they wanted to happen. So let's go back to the party. They called you a name, and you're in the time machine. You're going back, you find out that this kid pushed you because you wanted. Because he wanted to play with the toy, and you didn't want him to play with the toy because it was your turn, and it escalated into your name, you being called useful. So what you're going to do is be like, okay, so when this kid took the toy, what did you do? Did you yell? Did you scream? Okay, well, obviously that didn't work out. So how can we change it? Like, like, let's. Let's go back. And what would it. What would you get to make the story? Kids love stories. And another thing that's really helpful is when you create a similar situation that happened to you in this moment. So this is just really repairing the trauma and getting their nervous system back on the right track, because now all of these things happen. The toy got taken from them, they got pushed, they called you names, and that turned you into yelling at your child. So all of these things, all these little tiny traumas happen to them in this moment. But when you can repair and you can go on this time machine and kind of change, like, the memory of what happened, it's not going to trigger them in the future. And they're going to start respecting you more and understanding, oh, I can change the memory if I need to. And the younger they are, the easier it is to change the memory, because it's not like you don't have the critical factor in your brain developed yet. So, like, your belief systems are still being programmed. So that's what I would start with if my child was calling me names. Because it's more than just disrespecting and calling. It's. There's something triggering and causing these little traumas in them. And if you can get to the root cause of the trauma, they're gonna then be able to understand the boundary of, like, okay, when I have these big feelings in my body, like, name calling is not what they're. They're supposed to do. They can do deep breathing, or they can just take them away for themselves because they don't know these big feelings, and they want to blame everybody else for them because they don't know how to regulate it.

It's different than mine because my situation that I was describing, the person was calling their mom a name because they heard someone else call the mom a name. So it wasn't even their own drama. It was them thinking that that's acceptable way to talk to their mother, which they heard someone else do. Which is why I, like I was kind of saying it's so important to set boundaries for, like, what you're okay with. And you, you know, you make sure your kids know it's okay to. It's not okay. To have someone talk to you like that or treat you like that. So in other situations then they don't, they don't treat you the same way because you're not putting up with it. So that's kind of. You have like a, how do you heal the child? And I'm setting boundaries. So it's like they're totally different because I think that also has a lot to do with you having a 5 year old and me having an 11 year old. It's like. Or know he has big feelings like just from the wrong breakfast at this point. Like, I can't control all this.

Yeah, yeah. I think your model. So like, how are you being, being treated in your household? And if you are not being treated in the way that you want to by your spouse, your friend or whoever's living there, your children are going to see that and treat you the same way. So if you're focusing just on the child, then yeah, let's heal from, from that. That's going to help them not call you names in the future. But if it's being repetitive in your household and somebody's calling you names and being disrespectful and treating you a way that you don't like, you would need to have a conversation with the person disrespecting you and learn how to set boundaries.

Yeah.

There. And I think for women, we're so used to the beat down. We get beat down between being a mom, being a boss, being the house manager, cleaning, parenting. We're like superwoman, right? And it's like, and then you have a partner in the household treating you so disrespectful. You're showing your kids that that's okay. So yeah, in that moment, I think there's, it's multifactor, right. Like there's so many different layers of healing because there's trauma for you, there's one for your kids. And it does start with yourself. Like, you really do have to be like, okay, wait, what is happening in my household that's causing my child to act this way?

But that goes back to like the, don't treat your kid like an idiot. Like, don't pull them aside and go, that's not nice. No, that is not how we, that's not what we just say to our kids. Like, you explain to them why and how you're not going to treat me like that and you're not going to let people treat you like that. That kind of, kind of goes back to the beginning of our conversation where we're going to have these real conversations with them and explain to them in the real world why that doesn't work in real scenarios, even in our real life, how that doesn't work. You're not going to treat your friends like that. You're not going to treat your treats like that. There's consequences when you treat people like that. You lose friends, you lose your, you lose your pool privileges, you, you know, get in trouble at school. School. But those are like real. So it's like, like kind of thinking about how kids act and relating it to a real life experience even sometimes your life experience of what, of what you've been through. Isn't it so funny you have like more of like the psychological, like here's how you inner child. And I'm like, you don't do that and here's why this is the consequence. So it's like, it's just very different, different perspective. But it's just like having those, those real conversations I think are going to help them be a better person in general. Like just.

Yeah. And I feel like when you give examples of your real life circumstances and situations that have happened, your kid doesn't feel so alone. And I think when they're going through these big feelings, they feel like they're the only ones and it doesn't happen to anyone else and there's something wrong with them. And so when can come back to like the examples. I love that. I think giving examples of real life situations are really, really important. I do this with my son all the time so he doesn't feel so alone. Because when, when you don't feel so alone or you are relatable even for your children and your kids like you, you build connection. There's neurotransmitters that happen in your brain. I could have this science a little off, but they create connection. And I think that's why a lot of people are like, oh, misery loves company. Because it's like a bonding like a dopamine for them. And so with your kids, like giving examples really helps them feel not so alone. So when you're disciplining and you're giving them the hard, the hard truth of hey, you don't do this. I'm not allowing this. This is not okay. You also need to steer them in a direction. What are you allowed to do? Because I think what do you, what, what happens when somebody tells you not to do something? You're like, don't tell me what to do. I don't have to listen to you. You're not the boss of me, right? So there's a saying of. I think. I think Dean says this, and he. He tells the story of a guy on like a white water rafting trip. The instructor guy, I don't know what his name is, what they call him, but he says, wherever I point is the direction we're going to go. If I point to the fallen tree, you're all going to. And I say, don't go there. You're all going to want to go there, right? So you want to point your kid in the direction that they want to go. So you lead by example and you can give. You can give ways to express feelings without calling names. And you have to set that as a parent. Like, okay, what are other. What is something you can do when you're mad and you feel like calling any. What's something else you can do instead? I would say take a deep breath. Go take time for yourself, right? Like, what are actionable things that kids or parents can do? Usually the parent is in such reactive mode when their kid is calling you a name that you react. You're not responding, you're not taking a deep breath. And the way you handle that situation, your kid's gonna recognize it.

And so also know that they're listening also, because sometimes I feel like I'm saying things and his brain is already like, thinking about food or something. So it's like you making them answer is actually showing that they did not only hear you, but understand. So I. That's a really good idea. So. And then that goes to the whole being vulnerable thing, which you and I have talked about before, which people really, really listen to people who are vulnerable because they become more relatable and people, you know, you're vulnerable. Me too. I think that's why we have such solid friendships and relationships, because people know that we're not going to judge them. So having that also with your kids, where you're like, my life isn't perfect. I've had people talk to me like that, you know, and here's how it turned out, or here's how we fixed it. This is. This is just what I've learned how to do. And my life isn't perfect. And that's okay because our parents made us think that they were. We thought our parents were the smartest people in the world, right? And they're not. Not even close, right? So I want my. I even tell Will all the time. I'm like, listen, parenting does not come with an instruction book. And I'm going to Mess up. I'm going to mess up. I actually said this to him last night when I was like tucking him in bed. He goes, mom, you are perfect. He's like, if anyone I know. But you know how he is because he's like, you're the best but have to be vulnerable. Like, and for them to know that because you can't just tell someone I'm perfect and they believe you. Like, they want to see. They want to see you. You want them to create that image based on how you act and what you are willing to talk about. Just makes you more approachable.

Yeah. Like you need to be their mirror. They're going to mirror you. Well, thank you so much for chiming in today and being part of the this conversation. I can't wait to unpack more with you and we can dive deeper. And Dana's also very familiar with narcissism, so I think we might set up another interview on on that in the future and how to handle a Narcissistic Partner or parent because I think a lot of us have challenges with that as well. But I really wanted to thank you for your time. Today is always so lovely talking to you and we will meet again. Is there any last minute or last, like, what is one actionable step a mom can take today? Like one just like do this and your life will be better.

Just be a person. You know, you're, you're mom, but you're still a human. You're allowed to show emotion, you're allowed to make mistakes. But more than anything, you're there to help them be a good person, not their friend. You want them to know that the most important thing for you is to raise them to be a good person. So, you know, don't allow bad behavior, don't allow disrespect and make sure that you're teaching them that all the lessons that you've learned because right now, as a young kid, this is when they're going to remember.

I love that. Thank you so much and we'll see you in the next podcast. All right, bye bye.

Thank you so much for joining us.

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