Is Ayahuasca For Everyone? Preparing My Experience, Fears, Intentions, and Healing in Costa Rica

I literally thought Ayahuasca was going to kill me because they made us sign a waiver that you could die in that experience. All the fears were coming up. One thing they don't recommend is if you have high blood pressure to do this experience. And I was, like, feeling this sense of devastation of, oh, my God, what if I can't go because of my heart? What happens is it can be a very similar experience to Ayahuasca and, like, a psychedelic experience where things can come up and get released, and I just couldn't get there. Welcome to Rise, Shine, and Redefine, the podcast where entrepreneurship meets purpose. I'm Karen Meininger, and I'll help you create an authentic and powerful business. Let's dive in. Welcome back to the Rise, Shine and Redefine podcast. I'm. I'm your host, Karen Meininger, and today I am sharing my journey with Ayahuasca. I went to Costa Rica in January, and I'm just now able to kind of talk about my experience. But before we dive into the actual Ayahuasca, I wanted to get you oriented on all the prep work, the diet, the mental load, all of the things that kind of led up to deciding to make this choice to go to Costa Rica. Now, I have been wanting to go on this journey for about four years. And originally I was going to go to a place called Rythmia, and for whatever reason, I just kept not booking that trip. And with Rythmia, you can pretty much go any time of year. There's not really like this urgency of, okay, there's this container. We're gonna go. This is. This is what it is. So I just. I just been wanting to do it. I've been having a calling, but for whatever reason, with Rythmia, I didn't. I didn't go. And I get this email. I. I follow this guy, Aaron Doughty. He's a. He's like a spiritual, vibrational type coach. Been following him for a while. He has a big YouTube channel. He's getting a massive plug here. But anyway, I got a email from his email list, and I don't normally open any of his emails. It's kind of one of those. You get so many emails. But this particular email so said rare opportunity. And I might have said this in a previous podcast about my prep trip, but I want to bring it back because I think it's important. So it said rare opportunity, and I was like, huh, I wonder what this is about? And it was literally all about a retreat to drink Ayahuasca and they call ayahuasca tea. And it's a plant, It's a plant medicine. I don't know all the science and data, it was just a calling for me. So I don't have all of the details on how you make it and the combinations and where it comes from. I'm one of those type of people who if I feel called, I don't need the scientific data behind it. So I do not have that information for you. Um, it was just, I felt, I felt called and as I'm reading this email and click the link on the retreat details. It was at this beautiful resort called. What was it called? Finca Austria. And this is a place in Nosara, Costa Rica, which is the only place in Costa Rica I've actually ever been. So it was really interesting that it was in this same exact location that I had been where I knew when I went to, when I went to Nasara, I went with my husband, who was my boyfriend at the time. And in that trip is when I knew that I was going to marry this man. So it was just kind of this full circle moment that it was going to be in Nasara. And so as I'm looking through this website, it is like luxury, premium. I love luxury and premium. It had this infinity pool looking over the jungle. It was just this gorgeous, beautiful resort that I was like, okay, if I'm gonna do this type of work, I want to be in a more luxurious environment where Rythmia, I think has some of that. But it was more like you're in bunk beds, you're sharing rooms. And I just wanted of my own premium experience. And so I was really, really drawn to it. I felt really called. It was in January and my husband knew that it's something I had been wanting to do for a really long time. And originally we were going to do it together. And when I first mentioned it to him, he was like, well, when our son's older, we can't leave him by himself for a week. And I agree. So we just never really got around to it. So when this opportunity came up, I asked him, I was like, do you want to go? And he didn't have the calling like I did. And so he was like, you just go. And at first I was like, oh, this would be such a good opportunity for us to share in this experience and personal growth. I'm a personal growth junkie. My husband is not. Um, just to be really clear. And so it made sense to me, like he wasn't fully called to this Experience. And so he, we discussed it and he said, yeah, go ahead. And he had some fears coming up, like, oh my gosh, are you going to be a different person? Like, who are you going to be when you come back? Right. Because if you've ever listened to Ayahuasca podcasts or experiences, a lot of people come back very different or they do a complete 180 in their life and they completely change. So there were definitely some really big fears around would I be a completely different person after this experience? And as I go through all these episodes, I plan on doing like a three, maybe four parts series on this experience because there's a lot to unpack with everything that happened. So moving forward, I. I have to get on the call, like, you have to apply in order to, to be accepted on this trip. And so I applied and I just felt so excited. It felt so aligned, it felt so right. I knew I was going to get accepted. It was just all the intentions of just being a better person, being able to serve, being to being able to show up in a way that, that could be the best version of me. And I know that came through on my call with the application process now in that during that call, one thing they don't recommend is if you have high blood pressure to do this experience. Well, when my dad passed away, I had a broken heart. And I feel like, I don't know, it's been about. It's almost been six years and I can still feel the brokenness in my heart and it affects my heart rate. I'll feel these weird pains in my heart sometimes and my blood pressure can go really high, especially when there's a lot of anxiety. And so I brought up this concern and she was like, well, let me talk to the shamans. I don't. I don't know. And I was like feeling this sense of devastation of, oh my God, what if I can't go because of my heart? And I was feeling really defeated. And she's like, I'll call you back. I'll let you know. And so I'm just in this waiting period of like, I know I need to do this, but I also needed to trust the universe. If I'm meant to do it, I will. And if I'm not, then she's going to say no. So as I'm waiting, I am just in this sense of what was the emotion? Just, just not knowing. Like. Like I felt like my future was in their hands. It was a very weird experience for me. And. And then the other Thing I wanted to share about it too is, is when I'm on this call, they have, they have two options, right? You can be in the jungle or you can be like in the premium with like the, the infinity pool, looking at the beautiful sunset. So there's like these two options. I'm thinking about my heart. I'm thinking about what package do I, I like luxury. That's just, I just enjoy it. So it was an easy, easy pick for me to do the higher premium version in the, in the nicer area of the resort. And so I put my, I put my deposit down even though I wasn't sure if I was even going to be accepted. And they're really strict on like once you feel called, like there's no refunds, like you put your money in and that's it, there's no refunds at all. However, she did say that if the shamans didn't feel comfortable with me going through this experience, she would give me my money back. So anyway, I waited, I waited like two days and she finally was like, yep, I let the shamans know they're okay with it. Just when you go up to drink, you know, let, let them know what's going on. And I'm like, okay. So I was super excited and once I, I was accepted, I created a podcast about my intentions and what I wanted and why I was doing it. And it was, it was great. It was super exciting. So what happens is before you go to on the trip and you experience, there is a very specific diet that they want you to follow and that includes no supplements. So I see a functional medicine doctor, I'm on I don't know how many supplements and I had to remove all of them. And it's interesting with supplements because I didn't realize how well they work until I stopped taking all of them and my sleep was disrupted. I just, I felt a little dysregulated not being on all my supplements. So I started to. Some fear fears started coming up through this experience. There's no red meat, there is no sugar, there's no cannabis. And this starts about two weeks prior to going to, drinking the tea. And the reason why you do this is because you want to prime your body to be able to handle the tea. You want your digestion to be in the best possible shape that it can be to be able to handle, to handle the tea and for it to work and let we call her mother Aya, be able to work her magic for you. And so I'm going through this experience And I'm eating really clean. I was like, wow, my skin looks really good. I'm like, okay, maybe there's something to this. So I just. That's kind of what was happening is just very clean. No supplementation. If you smoke cannabis, like, no cannabis. Um, you could take like magnesium and like a probiotic. I think those two supplements were allowed. And, and you could drink coffee. You were not allowed to drink coffee the day before. The day before you were drinking. So, like, during the experience, there was no coffee, which was a challenge for me. Okay, so let's continue. We. I. I'm going on the plane. And as I'm going on the plane, I'm starting to fear that I'm going to die. And it was. It was really, really intense. And so what I started doing is just started writing down all of my intentions that I really wanted out of this. And something that's. That's going on for me is I have of generational trauma that I don't even really know, like visually what that looked like or my memories are completely gone. I don't remember my childhood at all. So I wanted to heal my generational traumas with my parents and their parents. And I think there was a lot of. There's a lot there. My mom told me my dad was verbally, emotionally abusive to me as a child, which is why I think it's blocked out. And my mom told me she did nothing to stick up for me or support me. So there's abandonment issues there that I worked through. So these were, these were. This was like a really massive topic that. Or intention that I really wanted to work through and just healing the relationships and the judgments that I had of my parents as I keep doing more personal growth work. And so that was a really big one for me. The other one was optimal health. I just, I get a lot of health anxiety and just between the high blood pressure and going on this trip and like working through my heart issues, it was just really, really important to work through optimal health. I wanted to bring in more femininity into my life. I hold a. Of masculine energy with my relationships with my business. And I just, you know, I watch these people do ecstatic dances and being so in their feminine raw. And it was. It was just something I was craving. So these were some really massive intentions that I had. Now something with ayahuasca is she does not give you what she wants, she gives you what you need. And I'm going to reflect on that in some later. In some later episodes on what that journey was like, because what I needed, I didn't know that I needed. And it was a very valuable lesson. And I'm still integrating and I'm still unpacking some of that. So anyway, I flew into Miami. I flew from Jacksonville to Miami, Miami to Costa Rica, my Miami, my flight to Miami was just all about intentions, like feeling into it. My flight from Miami to Costa Rica was the most terrifying flight that I've ever experienced. Not because it was turbulence or I thought anything was going to happen on the plane, but it was. I literally thought ayahuasca was going to kill me because they made us sign a waiver that you could die. And in that experience I. All the fears were coming up and I started writing down, like, where is my family going to be okay? Like financially, like where all my monies were. I was just writing it all down because I, I have it extremely diversified and like, is my son going to be okay? And if I'm not here, are they going to be able to survive or. It was like the craziest worst case scenarios that I could possibly think of or just all coming to surface and I was about to have a panic attack. And what I did is something that I do in my coaching is I met myself in the fear and instead of trying to avoid the fear because it was just going to keep compartmentalizing in my body and like I probably would have had a panic attack, I met myself in the fear and I let myself be afraid. And what I did is even in my journal I just wrote as if I was speaking from fear. I wrote all of it down that I was so effing scared and like I could die or be disabled or all these terrible things could happen to me. And I just let it all out, like I hemmed it up like to the possible worst case scenario that I could think of. And what happened is in that moment is as I let it come up, it started to calm down. And I know a lot of times in the manifestation world and in like say it is and so it is world, we tend to be afraid to share the scarcity because then it's like, oh, that might come to fruition. And so that's what was happening to me is like, if I admit that I'm afraid, then I'm going to be the self fulfilling prophecy that all of this is going to come true and manifest. And so I was resistant, which was a really big learning for me in this process. I was resistant to the fear and it was making the fear worse. And so once I surrendered to the fear and really allowed to feed the. Allowed the fear to be there. It was a. It was like the ease and the calm came in and I was like, oh, I am safe right now in this moment. And I kept telling myself, I am safe, I am safe. And as I did that, it's like your body, as a subconscious mind, started to really feel into the safety and I was really insourcing it and I could breathe and I could stay calm. And it was just a really beautiful transition from fear to calm. And so from that place, I was able to continue writing my intentions of serving personal growth, being a better version of myself, right? And I. And I got super detailed in my journal of just all the things that. That I. All my desires with no shame, right? Because sometimes we have desires and we're like, oh, that's too big of a vision. But I let it be and I let myself believe I was capable of all of these hap. All of these things happening. And it felt so incredibly beautiful. And I was like, okay, I can breathe now. And so we land in Costa Rica and I'm feeling better, but still really vulnerable. Vulnerability is really hard for me just based on my avoidant attachments as from my childhood. And vulnerable was. Vulnerability was like a negative thing, like you were not allowed to be vulnerable in. In my childhood. So I was feeling really vulnerable and really uncomfortable. And I met some of the people that were in our container going on this retreat with us, and I just started crying. And it was so uncomfortable to cry in front of strangers. Yeah, even to this day it still feels like a lot of discomfort in that moment. And so we get off the plane and we all are meeting outside in the front of the airport for our shuttle. And there are two girls that are there from Miami. And I don't know if you've been to Miami or you understand Miami. I'm from there, but I left there because there's an energy of Miami. And this is my own personal experience. This is not a judgment on Miami, but this is just what was happening for me. There were these two women who were just these beautiful girls. They were beautiful. They were stunning. And I noticed the patterns of comparisonitis coming up immediately. And I was immediately feeling small and uncomfortable. And I was like, oh, God, this is going to be a really long week of just being around. This is like. Was a fear of mine of just being around like these goddesses and like not feeling like a goddess. And so I was like observing. I was like, okay, this is a pattern. This is Clarice. And itis like, this doesn't mean anything about me. And I had to coach myself through this. And I just, I was feeling really uncomfortable. I mean, between the plane ride and thinking I'm gonna die, now I'm around these beautiful women where I feel small. And I was like, what did I get myself into? Why am I doing this? Like, I do not feel good at all. And I felt challenged being connected to really anybody. And another intention of mine was to, to, to create a soul friend. Like I really wanted to, to make a beautiful friendship. And I was like, oh my God, these are all strangers. Like, this doesn't feel good. It's like men and women. So it's a co ed experience. So there's like all these different energies. And I was just like, oh God. And like. And then you do get put with a roommate. So I was like, who's my roommate gonna be? Like, am I gon this person? Like the mind? Right? I was just in my head. And so we're waiting for the shuttle. We're standing there for like an hour because like the shuttle was running late and then we were waiting for another plane to come in. So we were just standing outside for like an hour waiting for this shuttle. By the way, the shuttle is like a four hour drive on top of it. So there's all this travel plus another four hours to get to the location. And so we finally get on the shuttle and nobody wants to sit next to me. So here comes patterns again of another thing for me is exclusion is really challenging for me. I take it really personal. So this was another thing I wanted to work through is getting through feeling excluded. And I'm sitting on the shuttle and nobody wants to sit next to me. And I'm like, oh God, here we go. Like all of the, the things that I've been trying to heal are just like, they're all surfacing. It's like universe is like, here you go, I'm going to give you all your shit so that you can deal with it apparently. But in that moment it was really uncomfortable and I was like, okay, I have a four hour ride. And what happened on this ride is I noticed myself forcing conversation with these Miami girls. And I was like, I'm going to get them to like me. And, and it was, it was definitely felt so inauthentic. And I was like, this is exactly what I don't want. I don't want to be inauthentic. Like, I really want it to be in this place of like, who I am and being able to show up fully in. In. In that. And so I noticed myself like, I have. I have two airbnb properties and I'm like, oh, you guys should go. Stay there. Right? I'm like, the people pleasing pattern is coming up and just that wanting people to like me was coming up. And it was just. It was. It was a lot. It was a lot to process and digress and digest. And then I was wishing my husband was there to support me and I was just like, it was just a lot. So anyway, as we titty dance our way to the resort, because it was a very bumpy, bouncy ride, we finally get there and I mean, even the shuttle got lost at one point. Like, it's like really hard to get to this resort. It's. It's out there in the jungle. And so we get there and the resort is absolutely stunning and gorgeous. And fortunately, they have food prepared and ready for us. There is this private chef and she is cooking all ayahuasca friendly meals for us the entire time. It was like. It was like out of a magazine. And I just stood there after I put my bags away, and I was like, I'm living in my vision board right now. And it was such a full circle moment of a sense of freedom. Like, I get to do this. I could die, but I get to do this. So it was this conflicting back and forth of like. Like a. Like a mind. Like a. A mindset volleyball match, right? Like just. It was. It was back and forth and like fear and excitement and gratitude and fear and it just all, like coming in and managing all of those different emotions and feelings and. And really sitting with it was. Was really interesting and I was like, oh, gosh, like, this tea is going to be a really interesting experience because I had so much coming up even before we drank anything. And so. Hold on, I need to look at my notes because I feel like I'm forgetting something. Yeah, okay. No, pretty good. So. So, yeah, so we have this beautiful meal and, you know, we all still feel like strangers. We're all kind of getting to know each other, but we're all there for our own different intentions and our own purposes. And so, by the way, I forgot to mention, I was super congested the entire time on this plane ride. I wasn't sleeping well because I couldn't breathe through my nose. And also another. Just for later, another interesting thing is on the plane, I started having like a really bad earache out of nowhere. It was very bizarre and I didn't really Understand it. But I'm going to circle back to that in my experience during the journey of drinking the tea. So anyway, that's kind of what the, the whole setup was. So we, we go to bed and I don't sleep well. And the next day is going to be the first night that we do the ceremony. And so before we do the ceremony, we are required to do breath work. So I facilitate breath work. And so I knew what to expect. I've done lots of breath work before. And we're in this breathwork experience and this guy Victor is the one leading it. And I couldn't go deep because my fears were just coming up so deeply about the experience that was about to happen that night that I, I couldn't get there. I couldn't do the breath in the way that I wanted. And breath work, what happens is it can be a very similar experience to ayahuasca and like a psychedelic experience where things can come up and get released and I just couldn't, I couldn't get there. Plus, we're next to. There's about 30 people on this trip. And so we're next to all these strangers and all these people. And something about breath work, at least for me, is feeling safe. And it was just a really. I wasn't sure if I felt safe yet because I still felt like I was going to die. And we were also meeting the shamans after that experience too. So there was a lot, again, just a lot of ping pong match in my, my head of all the different things that were coming up in that experience. And so we do the breath work. Some people had really beautiful releases. I didn't really get there, but that was okay. I was being really compassionate with myself and just allowing my experience to be what it was. And it didn't need to be different, any different. That was my reality and I didn't need to argue with the reality it that that's what happened. And so there's something there called a maloka. And what. And that's where the ceremony takes place. So this is where we were also doing the breath work. So it's like this big like tiki hut looking ceremonial space. And it was really beautiful. So that's, that is where the ceremonies took place. And I will, I will elaborate more on that when I share my experience of the first day. But it was, it was where we also did breath work and we had yoga and we had a couple of other little activities that we all did as a group. So there was just a lot of uncertainty. Going into this first ceremony after breath work. Oh, before breath work, we had a light breakfast because you don't really want to eat before breath work. And then after breath work, we were able to have like a nice lunch. And you cannot eat for, I think it was four hours before ceremony. So we ate lunch at like one o'. Clock. Ceremony was at six and that was it. We couldn't eat again after that. So I like to eat and I was hungry going into ceremony, so I'm going to end that here. Thank you so much for listening.