Navigating Life with Ease – What Blame Means from a 3 Principles Perspective

Welcome. This podcast is a series of candid conversations exploring the human experience from a completely new perspective. In it, we will be diving deeply into the meaning of commonly used words and pointing you away from that old stressful way of looking at life and towards a new paradigm. This will help you find a sense of calm, cultivate meaningful relationships, and create harmony in every aspect of your life. Here is Navigating Life with Ease with Mikayla Ellis and Clare Downham.

Hello, Clare.

Hello, how are you?

I'm good, how are you?

I am good too, I'm good too. Do you have a word for me?

I do indeed, I have a number of words really, and but let's talk about blame.

Oh yes, it's everybody else's fault, isn't it? I find Um, yeah, I— oh, this is an itchy one for me. Yeah, I do tend to, um, I think I probably tend to go to more, more towards blame than shame. I tend to go, it's somebody else's fault, more these days. Um, probably kind of did it both ways in in the past. I don't know, it— yeah, um, it feels horrible, doesn't it, is the thing that comes to mind, really. Um, and I think it, it's based on not realizing a separate reality. So I mean, if you just take like a driving incident, you know, you're driving along, somebody seems to cut you up. Maybe there's a bit of a prank. Um, it looks like it's, you know, we've got somebody to blame here. And, and interestingly, the law— because the law probably has a lot to do with this, why we think we've got to blame people for things— because that's how we get out of any financial issues. So I think that the litigation, the litigious society that, that we live in doesn't help with any of that because an insurance company would say, well, we need to attribute blame to somebody, otherwise there's no— you can't deal with it financially, you can't get your car repaired, etc., etc. But I guess that, that's almost like a superficial level of it. And maybe where there's some depth is to see that the person who pranged your car is doing the best— was doing the best that they could. In that moment. You know, we, we don't know what's going on for somebody. You know, we don't know what thinking people are caught up in. Somebody might have had a terrible morning, that, you know, row with their kids and their wife and set off all discombobulated. And then of course not really paying attention, they're caught up in their thinking, so they have an accident. I remember once I was listening to a book by Steve Chandler. I can't remember which book it was, And, um, he talks about being on— I think it was on train or a bus or something. I think it was a train. He's on a train and there's this man with 3 kids, and the kids are just running riot around the train. They're causing havoc, bumping into people, spilling things, making a mess. And the man who appears to be the father is just kind of sat with his head in his hands, just ignoring them really, not paying any attention. And, um, I think eventually Steve Chandler says something to the man to find out that they're on their way home from the mother dying. So the mother of these two children has died, and the dad and the three kids are on their way home after that happened. And I guess when, when we're blaming somebody, we, we, we really tend to just completely forget that people could be in all sorts of situations, and that is why they've done something, is in that moment from a poor state of mind. You know, that man just didn't probably have the emotional energy to cope with disciplining his kids, nor did he probably feel like he wanted to discipline them, bearing in mind their mother had just died. So it's like, yeah, I think we just forget all the time that other human beings are really are struggling a lot of the time. I think especially this day and age, people are, are really finding life difficult. And also that people don't— people are so, like, I guess, absorbed in their own very busy lives and very busy worlds that they don't always see what could be done and what might be helpful to others. Or, I mean, I've had a couple of things on public transport this week. I got on a train on earlier this week. I think it was Thursday. I got on the train on Thursday and it was absolutely packed. And unfortunately I'd run for the train, so I was my middle-aged hot sweaty self. Get on this train, really packed. And in our trains in the north, we have no— there's nothing to hold on to in the top of the thing. You're just like standing there rocking about, you know, the section near the doors. Like you go on the tube in London, they've got the little leather handle things, you you can, something to hang on, something to hold on to. I don't even know why, it's so bizarre. Anyway, so we get on the train and I've only got, I'm thinking, oh, it's only one station, then we'll be in Leeds, it'll be fine. It's only a 10-minute train journey. We get to the next station, of course the doors open and there's loads of people. First, it's one of those early trains in the morning where people trying to get to work, loads of people on the platform, absolutely packed. And everybody's just, as I look down the train, just everybody's just very absorbed in themselves. So I shouted down the train, 'Can we all just move down the train, please, because people need to get on?' And I didn't— I wasn't angry with them or anything. It was just, 'Wake up, everybody! Come on, back into this— back into this world where things are going on.' And they all shut down the train, and we could all move, and then these people could get on. And the people were mouthing, you know, saying thank you to me as they got on the train. Um, but, you know, there's no point blaming those people. A similar thing happened on a bus a few months ago when I— we got on the bus, we're trying to get on the bus, there's a few of us at the bus stop, and it's packed. And the previous bus had just driven past us because it just couldn't take any more passengers. Um, and the bloke next to him was just going, oh, what's wrong with— why aren't these people moving up the bus? Bloody idiots, you know, it's like carrying on about them. So I just, again, I just got on the bus and I said, could we all please move right up the bus so that people can get on? And then everybody moved. Blame them and call them idiots or say, oh, stupid for not— it was just like Well, they just don't know. They just are in their own— most of them on the phones, of course, headphones in. Not— they're not in the world at all, not noticing there's a thing to do here to help these people get on the bus. And there was one lad who particularly was like 3— he was like 3/4 of the way up the bus, and he was just blocking anybody moving further. He just stood there. There was a massive gap, and he just hadn't— oh, and he went, oh, okay, and off he went and moved. And it's like there's no— you don't need to blame those people for that. They're just not awake, as, as most of us aren't most of the time. We're— we, you know, as you know, I've written a book which is called The Life-Changing Magic of Learning to Be with Yourself because I heard somebody say nobody's actually here in the here and now anymore. Everybody's in their own heads, on their own phones, in their own little world. So often I think blaming people for things, and those people— well, I would say all the time. People don't even know they're doing it. They don't even know that there's a situation. They don't have that thought to change that behavior. It's just not available to them. Yeah, that's just— that, that brings to me like a lot of relief that I, you know, to just see that everybody really is doing the very best they can. They couldn't be doing anything else. And what does blame feel like? Feels horrible to us. So can we, can we start to just see a little bit more about all the people really doing, doing the damnedest really to live life in the best way they know how? So, so that is a good word. I'm gonna pass it back to you now. Ping!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's really good. So many, you know, so many ways that you can see blame in the world. You know, last episode we talked about relationship, and it's like it can show up a lot in our relationships, you know, the ease with— and really when I see it, it's like, it's like not kind of accepting what is, or not, or, or, or not. It's like not moving forward from it. It's almost getting caught when we're, when we're blaming. It's like, it's like we've just stuck gum on our shoe and we've planted our foot and we're in this place of, you know, this sticky, icky. And the more we're like blaming we're just planted there and we can't move on from it. And it's like, yes, when you understand how, you know, what's involved in it, what it's doing for us— because yes, maybe someone, you know, if we're taking, um, if we're taking a, you know, a car accident, maybe someone did cut in front of us and then you know, we bumped into them or whatever. They are to blame for that. But it's like, now what? Now there's something to do, right? And everybody knows, or maybe they don't if they never been in an accident, there's something to do. You stop, you check, is there damage? Yes, no? Exchange your insurance, call the cop, whatever. You might not even need to do that if you're in agreement, you know, like just, is there something to do about it? And there's, you know, yelling, carrying on. Yes, there may be a heightened emotional reaction in something like that, right? And you might be— because your— if your system is shocked and you have adrenaline running through, and there might be an explosion of some kind, whether it's crying or shaking and or yelling or whatever, however it might show up, might show up in different ways that you might not expect if you've not been in that situation. And bringing it home, bringing it home into a relationship, you know, it's like blaming someone for something. And there are things that I, you know, I, I didn't know what word I'd pick, and it's like I picked this one because there's still some things that I'm blaming people for in my life. It's years ago. It's gone, it's done, it's past. And I can see that, oh my God, I'm still holding and maybe like blaming them. And it's like there's a whole bunch of other words that'll maybe come up in future podcasts about, you know, holding a grudge and feeling resentment. And, you know, it's just like, but the bottom line is I'm blaming them for something. And, you know, there's different ways to, to look at it. Some things really, just as you said, they were doing the best they could, and this is what happened. Did something else happen because of their actions? Yes. And now what is my choice? Like, I've moved on. Kind of like life has moved on. I physically cannot go back into that moment and change anything or the things that led up to it. I can't do a dang thing about that, but I can do something about how I'm experiencing it in my mind and in my body. Because do I want to feel that? You know, you said, yes, the feeling of blame is It's horrible. It's, you know, it feels like you've, you've totally, you know, and you can't give your power away because it's all within you. There's nothing to give away. But it feels like, it feels like almost like I'm putting myself in a position of helplessness because there's nothing I can do about it. And I'm not helpless. It's very simple. Just accept what happened. We did what we knew to do. We moved on, and now we're in a totally different place. So it's like there's no sense in it. But at times it's like, you know, you mentioned— I think it was in this conversation, right? We're always doing what makes sense to us in the moment. We're always doing the best we can, and that is what makes sense to us in the moment. And the sort of catching of when these things happen, this blame, whether it's in the moment or whether it's past and we're just regurgitating, reliving it and creating this thing for ourselves— at some point when we just catch that we are doing it it's going to not make sense to do it, and we will do it less and less. I have seen that even this thing that I am blaming this person for that happened so many years ago, I'm not doing it as often as I did. But it surprises me now when it comes up. It's like, really, really? You're, you still hanging on to that? And that's just a habit. That is just a habit of thought, and I can see that as I catch it, and I see that, Makayla, like, you know what's happening here. You know what you're experiencing. It's not— it's— I'm creating it. I'm living it only in my mind. It's like, does it make sense? It doesn't. It makes less and less sense to do. Will I likely think about it again at some point in my life. I likely will, but I can see— I've proven— I can see that it's not happening as often as it was, so it is diminishing. And it's just like allowing my attention to go on to something else and be present in the moment, because it is about being present, you know. And reliving an old story, that is not presence. Or, I mean, you can look at it as being present to something that isn't, you know. And whenever, whenever we're, we're kind of— when we're not accepting of what is or being present to what is, we can get caught because we're not in the moment. But when we are, there's we are present to our wisdom. In this idea about presence, it's quiet, and that quiet state of mind is like— it's ripe, it's very fertile for us to catch something wiser to think, say, or do. Which may be nothing. It might just be a, like, a clearing, like a dropping and carrying on. But yeah, blame, it is poisonous. It's poison. It's poison for you, and it can be poisonous for your relationships too if it's something like, you know, there's things that we've all done in our life that we we did, and it was our fault. We are to blame, if you want to use those words. And we've made amends, we've recognized it, we've apologized, we've done what we could to correct it, to, um, you know, to correct it in whatever way made sense to us in the moment. And sometimes, you know, the other might say, yes, it's good, you know, thank you for recognizing this. Okay, we're moving on. And we can move on, but our thoughts might want to like grab back onto it. So it's like poison in a relationship. So it's like, you know, having a moment to really sort of get clear on what's really happening, on what this really is, and is it present? And is there something more that you need to talk about, or whatever? You'll— again, your wisdom will guide you on that if there is something. In my experience, usually there's nothing more to say, there's nothing more to do. Just let it go and move on.

Yeah, and I think that, that, that is so true when we're directing the blame towards ourselves as well, you know. Like, I can— I've really seen, like, I guess when you direct blame towards yourself, might form into guilt or feeling bad about yourself in some way, or just blaming yourself. And what I've seen about that is, is what you said about presence, is that when we're in that place of blame, we're hanging about in the past. We're looking at what we just did, even if we just did it like 5 seconds earlier, and we're caught up in that. We're blaming ourselves, and we should have known better, and why didn't we do better, and blah blah. In the meantime, the person we've perhaps directed— so let's say we've snapped at somebody, the person we've snapped at is standing there in front of us looking a bit peeved and sad, and actually we're in our own little head in the past thinking about ourselves. We're not in the present moment. When we're back in the present moment, there is some amends to be made. There's a sorry, there's, oh, sorry sweetie, I shouldn't have snapped at you, I'm just feeling a bit off, or, you know, we can sort it out. Whereas when we're blaming ourselves, or blaming, even blaming somebody else, we're caught up in the past. We're not actually in the present moment at all. And again, you know, like we explored in the last one, there may well be something to say, but I think there's less often something to say apart from sorry, or do you want a hug, or something that's just— I remember once, actually, Bruce was losing his— he was getting upset with me, and he was— I remember we were stood in the kitchen and he was just like saying not very nice things to me. And, um, I just, I just sort of fell into this place of not blaming him but just seeing that he was suffering. He was obviously like really suffering inside, and I just stood there and I just looked at him and I just felt such compassion towards his suffering. I didn't want to blame him for it or anything. And it was so bizarre because he just stopped talking and he just went, 'I'm really sorry, I shouldn't have spoken to you like that,' just out of the blue. Whereas normally we'd be more combative and we'd be going back and forth and it'd be like, we, you know, 'I feel terrible now and that's his fault and I'm blaming him for it,' and then he'd feel terrible, he'd be blaming me, and there'd be this back and forth, back and forth. And just in that moment, it just it just stopped because I could just in that— and you know, I've not experienced it quite like that since, but I could just think, oh, he's, he's really suffering right now, he feels awful, and I need to just feel love and compassion towards him because he's feeling terrible. And then the blame can kind of fall away, I think, because you're seeing that other person's humanity, I think, and that they really They really are literally doing the best they can. They couldn't be doing anything else. I see more and more when people are doing things that we kind of go, why are you doing that? Um, you know, that they are suffering. That's why, you know, they wouldn't be behaving like that if they didn't feel terrible inside their bodies. Yeah, because we put out into the world what we feel unless we see that what we feel is from the inside, not the outside. And we all use that all the time. Brilliant. That's a really good word.

Thank you for your insight.

Yeah, thank you. Thank you.

That was lovely.

I'll see you next time. Thank you.

Yes, you will.

Bye.

Ciao for now.

Bye.

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