Navigating Life with Ease – What Burnout Means from a 3 Principles Perspective

Welcome. This podcast is a series of candid conversations exploring the human experience from a completely new perspective. In it, we will be diving deeply into the meaning of commonly used words and pointing you away from that old stressful way of looking at life and towards a new paradigm. This will help you find a sense of calm, cultivate meaningful relationships, and create harmony in every aspect of your life. Here is Navigating Life with Ease with Mikayla Ellis and Clare Downham.

Hey, good day, Clare.

Hello, how are you?

I'm good. How are you doing?

Good. Yeah, very good.

I have a word for you.

Cool.

Burnout.

Oh, that old friend of mine.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, it's very interesting actually, cuz when I say that old friend of mine, I really mean it because, um, You know that Byron Katie quote, everything is happening— oh, we'll see— everything is happening for you, not to you. Everything happens exactly the right time, neither too early nor too late. You don't have to like it, it's just a lot nicer if you do. Um, I mean, that is— I wish I liked it at the time, but I really didn't like being burnt out. It was pretty horrible. Um, but I now see that, well, I never would have met you, Makayla. We wouldn't be sitting here now if I hadn't burnt out. We really wouldn't. Um, I probably wouldn't have met my fiancé. I wouldn't be sharing this understanding, this understanding now. I wouldn't be, uh, jetting off to Spain in a very few days to go and share this understanding. Like, you know, so much of my life is better, in inverted commas, because of burning out. And I also really think that, um, if I hadn't burnt out, I probably would have had a heart attack or a stroke by now, because if I'd carried on at that level of stress, um, I would have eventually got sick in some other way. So I'm utterly grateful, actually. It is a gift. It's been a gift, really. Um, however, it wasn't fun, and I don't recommend it, just People sitting at home going, oh, Clare Downham thinks burnout's great, I'm going to give that a shot. No, it's not, it's not so good. And it seems to be extremely common now, seems to be becoming more and more common, people are burning out. And I think it's fundamentally underpinned by this outside-in confusion that people live in, and that that if we can just get there, wherever the heck there is, we will finally feel at peace. And it's changed how I perceive my burnout over the years. And as I've got further into this conversation and got deep, more deeply grounded, I've seen it differently. But I think fundamentally, I was always a high achiever. I always wanted to be doing better, doing more, getting further on the ladder, whether that was academically or then in my career. You know, I took a promotion when I had a a 2-year-old and a baby, and quite a big promotion. On maternity leave, I was applying for jobs. That's how bonkers I was. And so there was always this pushing, always this driving, not just in my working life, but how I organize my personal life and my children's lives and all the different activities they got to do and all the doing, just never stopping. My brain never switched off because I was always planning the next thing, organizing the next thing. Strategically controlling, trying to control every single thing in my life. I mean, I call myself a recovering control freak. I wouldn't say I'm fully recovered yet. Not sure you ever do, but I definitely am that. And, and then, you know, I get to the top of the ladder of the career thinking that almost— and I think this is definitely sold to us in society, that when we get there, let's say there is the top of the career ladder or an amount of money or a number of clients or whatever it is, that this, this feeling of success will land upon us, and that that will be a really nice feeling. And guess what, folks? Spoiler alert, great spoiler alert though, it doesn't happen. You don't suddenly feel good enough, you don't suddenly feel amazing about yourself. And that feeling, it's almost like a grieving process that I went through at that time when it was just like, 'Oh my God, I'm here.' I still— and I wouldn't have consciously said this, but there was just this hole within me that hadn't been filled by the career and getting to the top of the ladder. It hadn't happened, and I was exhausted, and it still looked like there was therefore something else to do. And at that point, I was a year since I'd split from my husband, and so it seemed to me then, well, the thing must be the man. That's what's missing then. I've got the career, but now I've got the man piece missing. I need to go find a man. So then I did high achieving online dating, as I call it. Not afraid to tell you folks, because you know I like to be honest, but I did go on 3 dates in one day once. Who knew that was a thing? That's what school holidays were for, going on multiple dates. And again, you know, that, that, you know, I didn't find the man until I'd actually burnt out, ironically. But I, um, again, it wasn't going to happen that way. But as a result of all the— well, the messaging on online dating made me very anxious because it was like, I need, I need this one to work out, I need this one to work out, you know. And they wouldn't message me back, and then there would be just this awful feeling. And my sleep went spiraling down, my illness rate just got silly, bearing in mind I was a person who never used to get ill, never got coughs or colds or anything. I don't now because I don't have stress, but, um, I did back then in the run-up to burnout. Um, and for me, the, the, the end was walking to work one day and just looking at my computer and finding that it was like my body had just had enough. It's like it was almost like it wasn't a thought other than I can't switch on the computer, I just can't bend down and press the button, it's just not there. And then, you know, I walked out and I didn't know at the time, but I never went back. And I was sick. I was really sick for a year and then began a very, very slow recovery that, to be honest, took years, you know. But, you know, interestingly, when I started my own business after I resigned, I took the same mindset into my business. Which wasn't particularly helpful. But luckily, after a few years, I came across this understanding and stopped being so damn harsh on myself and so pushy of myself, you know. Um, but I think if I hadn't come across this understanding, I probably would have burnt out my business as well. I was probably on my way to burning out again at that point because I was working so hard on my business, but then working so hard on myself. Because I thought it was a me problem. I thought it was all a me problem. But yeah, it's, um, it's all, you know, I was a primary school headteacher, so when I say to people I burnt out, they will point to education and, oh, education's terrible, but everybody's burning out in education. Well, I, I don't blame my job at all. I blame— I don't blame me, but I see that it was me and how I thought about the world and how much I thought I needed to do to be okay, that created too much to do and too much to think about, which was the result of that was a lot of stress and fun, and in the end, burnout. So yeah, definitely a topic I know a bit about, but I'd love to hear what are your thoughts on it.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I really see that it's being so caught up in things outside of you, no matter what they are, that have you on this treadmill, or feel like you need to be on this treadmill in order to stay above water. And it's like the opposite is happening. You know, the burnout to me is drowning, or, you know, it's like you're trying to get your head above water, but you're, you're treading, you're going down. The more you tread, the tireder you get. This, yeah, it was actually posed to, to me as a suggestion for the podcast, but it was, it was around, uh, they didn't understand that one word thing yet. I didn't wasn't clear. So it was like, how can you prevent burnout and still keep up your productivity? And my question really is, it's like, is there productivity truly when you're on the road to burnout? Is that what you call productivity? Because if it's just getting things done Okay, well, you can just get things done, but what kind of meaning are those things providing for you? What is the feeling behind the doing? Because if it's lighting you up and you're living, you know, a life that you enjoy and you're very active, that's one thing, that is not going to lead to burnout. Although I was away for the month of September doing wonderful things with family and friends on the water, you know, in beautiful landscapes, and there was times when it was too much. I wasn't I wasn't enjoying what I knew was possible at times. It was just blips because it was just like too much, too fast, right? Even, even something wonderful, um, it can be too much. And if you haven't listened to it yet, listen to last week's podcast, which was on pause, because that is a really important element that's missing. If you feel like you have to push yourself to be productive, if you sense that you're going into a space of overdrive, that is not a life of How do I say? When we are following our true nature, there won't be feelings of burnout. We'll be catching our inner guidance, which is letting us know when to go, when to stop. When to slow down, when to pause. So productivity actually increases when you insert more pauses. Why? Because you can hear your inner guidance, you can hear the messaging of what to think, say, or do next, if there's anything to think, say, or do next in that moment. So it's, it's kind of an oxymoron. Is that right? You need to push, push, push, push, push to be productive. No, it's— I kind of see it as the opposite. For an example, getting ready to come here this morning, I was running a minute or two late, so I was trying to— and there was a, there was a pause that you offered because you were running a minute or so late too. It was perfect. But guess what? I started— it's like, great, now I have time, I can create my green shake and do that. So what happened in my hurriedness I— well, I spilled stuff, the lid fell off, and then there was stuff to clean up on the floor. And then, you know, it was just—

ah, yeah.

So burnout, there's— it lessens productivity, it lessens the enjoyment of life. We miss it. We miss it. You know, in the times where I was going from one place to the other, I was— it's like I had to make a conscious choice to— decision to like— I never called it a pause at the time, but after last week's episode, yeah, absolutely, I had a pause. And it was like a reset. And it's like, yeah, okay, I'm here, I'm here, and I can enjoy this moment. And now that I'm enjoying this moment, I know I can enjoy the next thing. But in just like, okay, gotta hurry there and rush there, it was— even though the things that we were doing were wonderful, it was like they were tainted a bit. So yeah, yeah, until there was a Pause. Yeah, so burnout is not the answer. Busyness. Yeah, the one thing after another.

And I think like what comes to mind around that is it's just this attempt to get somewhere in the, you know, it's that when I have X, I will feel Y, which is an equation that just isn't accurate in the sense that just doesn't work that way. You're not going to get a better feeling from getting somewhere. But it might look, you know, if I just get all the things ticked off on my list, if I just get so far in my business or my work or my career or, you know, whatever, you know, perhaps done all of those, you know, I'll then I'll feel okay. And so that productivity piece that you mentioned is, is well, yeah, because I need to get all these things done because once I've got all these things done, then I can feel okay. And even it can even bizarrely can be just getting the things done. You know, if we're feeling overwhelmed— overwhelm, I think, sends people one way or another. It kind of has people just freeze and not do anything or work ridiculously hard to get everything done so that at some point in the future, I will feel okay because there will be lines through everything on my list. And I'll be okay then. That'll be— I'll be fine then. Um, but of course, because— well, because that's underpinned by a misunderstanding, because the feeling that we're looking for is in, in the pause, like we talked about. It isn't in the doing of anything. It isn't in the controlling of our outside world. It isn't in, you know, people being different or our circumstances being different. That, you know, when we, when we see that, we don't— we do different things to the things we would have done when driven by the outside in. Like you said, it can end up— yeah, there's productivity, but I would say my productivity is very different now. It's very one— it's very one thing at a time. It's got that flow to it. It's got that sense of presence to it, right? This is the next thing that makes sense now, not because there's a goal to get somewhere, but because this is what makes sense now. Because the truth is that we don't have anything other than the present moment ever. That is just not a thing, just isn't— doesn't exist. Tempting though it can be to believe that it does, it just doesn't. There's just now. And we spoil now in a way with all the trying to get somewhere else. We miss, you know, we miss what's now. In the run-up to burnout, I probably wouldn't have even noticed anything in my environment, like even nice things in nature and, you know, a little bird or a you know, this year really noticing the autumn changing very rapidly in a slightly different way because we've had so little rain and even noticing the weather, like noticing how good the weather still is. We're still persisting with the nice weather, which is lovely. But just noticing all that, I never would have— I'd have been too sort of head down, focused, got to get on, got to keep moving forward and missing all the wonderful things that are in my life right now. Back then it was always just never— it was never enough. I wasn't enough and my world wasn't enough either. And I think that maybe not— that not enoughness underpins why people end up burnt out, because nothing's ever enough, right? Yeah. But now I see so much more of my world. I, I connect to it. I notice just the small things, like noticing that, that journey that I spoke about before, um, spoke about it last week, where, you know, I got guided to go to a shop and then I got guided to buy the thing that I needed that I'd forgotten I needed, and that there was like this, this sort of slowness to that. Yeah, we don't hear that when we're just busy trying to get somewhere. We don't, we don't hear, we don't connect to what's there within us, but we also don't connect to what's there in our environment. We— I see more things. I notice flowers and stuff in nature. I just notice stuff so much more now than I did before because I'm, I want to enjoy now because it's the only thing we've got really, you know. Not to be pessimistic, but we could all fall under a bus tomorrow, do you know? It's just really be with what's in the here and now. And I think if you're really present, there's no way you could burn out. Yeah, it's like the burnout— presence maybe is the antidote to burnout. Yes.

And how to know if you're, you know, in any moment— you would mention it— it's like going back to the feeling. What does it feel like? Because we can be so busy, we can be so productive, but feel stress or strain or nothing inside. And it's like, how does it feel? That'll guide you, you know, that'll guide you.

I think it just felt like a continual buzzing to me. Like vibrating all the time as I went into burnout, you know. And I probably— it didn't— I can only kind of vaguely remember that when I'm thinking about it in the past, but probably didn't even really notice it, thought that was normal to be like that. But I'm so much more sensitive now to those little movements in my emotional state that they're not as— nothing's as big as it used to be. Everything's a lot smaller. You have to tune in, I think, because as you get quieter, there's less noise in the system. You can start to really tune into those little nudges from the system that, like you saying, are just saying, oh, do you want to just back off for a minute and just take a breath?

Yeah, yeah, it's really all very simple.

But not always easy, eh?

Not always easy.

Thank you. Good word.

Yeah, very good. Thanks for sharing your insight on that. Yeah, appreciate that.

See you next time.

Yes, you will indeed.

Ciao for now. Bye. Bye.

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