approach anxiety In depth

All right, man. Um, so basically, I just wanted to see where you're at as far as just approach anxiety. Um, just if you can, just real quick, if you could just kind of walk me through, like, kind of what you're thinking, or maybe something that has stopped you in the past as far as approach anxiety is concerned, and then like, we could just kind of go from there.

Okay, yeah. So the, uh, the first thing that jumps out is whenever I Immediately after I notice somebody that I find interesting and I'd like to talk with them, I will immediately start to overthink the first thing that I'm going to say. And it's less about what the opener itself is, and it's more about immediately after I notice a woman that I'm interested in talking to, I'll start planning what I'm going to do. And that usually starts off with what I'm going to say to her first. And it's less about what I say to her specifically and more about trying to anticipate what her reaction is likely to be. And, um, I'll give you an example. Like, I remember somebody had told me once that, uh, if I ask— if I tell a woman, hi, my name's Justin, nice to meet you, and then she doesn't give me her name, it indicates that she's not as interested. And that might be true in certain situations, it might not be. But simply by me now thinking about it, I'm already analyzing and preparing, well, what would I do if she said that? And now I start to overthink the entire thing. And a lot of times it's like I often don't even actually make it to doing anything about it. I'll talk myself out of it beforehand. But, if I were to, I'll start walking towards the woman and I'll start getting more anxiety. I'm overthinking it more and it becomes a negative feedback loop where as I'm walking to her, I realize that there's no way this is going to go well because I know that I can come across in a way that I want when I'm calm. But, once I have anxiety past a certain point, I'm going to mess it up.

Yeah.

And so, um, and so that will— those will end in what I call like drive-bys, where like I'm walking towards her and then kind of just pivot at the last second. I'm like, no, it's not worth it. And it's because I'm— I already see where it's gonna end, and it's based off my anxiety more than it is even knowing what her reaction would be.

Yeah, no, that's exactly right. And yeah, you just basically— you think your way out of the situation, essentially. And it happens to so many people, and we all have that. And I kind of talk about that instinctually. It's just something that we do because Because it's just in our ancestral genes to like, if we get rejected by the tribe, then it's like, it could be very hard. And we had that mentality. And the only way that you're going to break that really is just by doing. That's why it's like important to like really get ahold of the framework because it is good to have at least something to go off of. And the main thing to keep in mind though is like just taking that action. Because when you take that action, it's called reference experience. You take the action and then you realize, oh shit, I'm not gonna die. Like, it's, it's okay. She didn't like cuss me out. She didn't do this. She didn't do that. And you do that consistently.

Okay.

And it, it kind of tells your brain that, you know, you're overreacting or you're overthinking the situation, which is basically essentially what that is. And then you really move forward, um, going through. And so I try to break it down like really easy for that. And basically, like when you're talking to the gal, The very first thing you do is just make your intent known and be like, hey, my name is blank, whatever, and I was just walking by. I just thought you were cute, and just go from there. I like saying a canned line like that, like, I was just walking by and I just thought you were cute, because it takes away that thought. That's the only canned line that I like, or I'll say, you're interesting. Look, I'll sometimes mix it up. I do like that because it takes that away, and the only thing I'm thinking about is, I see the girl, she's attractive, and then I try to approach her. So one of the first things that I do is I tell myself feet first, mouth second. So like feet first. So like if you move close enough, you almost get like to the place to where you can just talk and be like, if you get close enough to her, you're going to like kind of talk and kind of realize, okay, I'm at this proximity to actually get the convo going, is trying to do that and just making the intent known. And then taking the convo to the next level. But I highly just encourage, like, how many, like, attempts and stuff like that matter. And so I would highly suggest just doing, like, 5 attempts of, like, just 5 women a day that you can talk to and really just kind of get a hold of, like, okay, like, I'm gonna do this and, and just say hi and just kind of break that in and do that over and over again. And before you know it, It's going to be a lot better and get a lot more comfortable. And so everybody has, uh, some doubts about it at first, and it's just taking those steps in the beginning. And then what ends up happening is as you take action, you're just going to get more numb to it and it'll, it'll become not so crazy though. But like, does that make sense so far? Or like, do you have any questions?

It really does. I'd never really thought of it in that perspective, but I, I definitely can see what you're saying because. That's what I kind of did for getting over my anxiety of singing. So like, I, I knew that I, I got really uncomfortable anytime I sang in front of other people. And so I started forcing myself to go to karaoke. And what I immediately found was exactly what happens with women, which is that I would start to overthink it. And I did force myself to do it, probably because in my mind the repercussions were still smaller. And But what I realized was that some of the best times— not that that happened, but the next time was the best— was the times that I bombed the worst. And so, like, when I went up there and my voice is, like, squeaking or I'm way off-key because I got so anxious that I couldn't handle it, well, then you kind of— I would hit that point where I'm like, well, this is just screwed. Like, I might as well just enjoy it.

Yeah.

And as soon as I kind of started to feel that way, it became a little less intimidating.

Realize that whenever you're talking, like, your status doesn't change. You know what I'm saying? Like, because if you're actually going and you're at that place to where you have that that single status and you're talking to women, and let's say she rejects you, then it doesn't change. You know what I'm saying? It's it's the same status. But if she says yes, it's it changes everything in a sense. You know what I'm saying? Like, hey, you could progress to that next step. And so just realizing that. is good. Also realizing too that like if you're talking to a gal and it's like a just a random event, uh, something like that, and it's you're out in the wherever, grocery store, street, uh, cafe, wherever, the chances of you seeing her is like very, very slim. Uh, so something to kind of reassure yourself on that too is that you got like a 1% chance unless she's like a worker somewhere. You're really not gonna see her again like that. Um, so kind of to give you a little bit of validation and also too like It at the end of the day, even if you did see her again, it really shouldn't matter because you can actually carry on the as you go. And so it's one of those things that like we tend to overthink it and we think the the end of the world. And and I'm I'm sure I've been guilty of it too. You know, I've I've been there. I remember in my like beginning to where I would even care like if I was like talking to a gal right beside someone and they're overhearing and then judging me for conversation. And I remember that like emphatically.

I definitely would do that too.

Yeah.

Um, and even to the point where, like, I, I don't— I mean, because it's not something I'm comfortable doing, 9 times out of 10, the woman that I come across is one that is where I— it's my normal haunt, you know, it's where I go do my grocery shopping or whatever. And so that is one more reason to not approach somebody there, because what if I do see her again? But simply by going somewhere that I don't have to ever see her again would, would eliminate that, and it'd be one less thing to overthink. Um, so I, I could, I could see the value in that too. And, and you're right, I'm sure it really isn't the end of the world. I think in my head, I kind of, some part of me kind of feels like they all talk, but I know that sounds ridiculous.

Yeah, no, I mean, they do and they definitely get to that talking, but it's one of those things where it's like you keep the convo going and you, it just becomes your new normal and it's called reference experience. You know what I'm saying? Where you just do that, get in the habit over and over again. And your brain will eventually realize that it's not there. And I'll, I'll be honest with you, it's, there's times where if I haven't talked in a while, it's, let's say, um, uh, like a week goes by and I haven't really approached anybody. I would still get a little bit nervous, but it's not the same because it's like, as soon as I start again, like there's just the first conversation, it goes away. Whereas I remember my beginning times of doing it, I would get nervous with each conversation and then it would maybe go down as time goes on. But that's kind of where everybody starts. But it does start to like diminish over time, just the more that you do it, to where it's not the end of the world. But just realize that it really does take courage to, to get out there, like for sure. But in spite of that, you just realize that it's, it's not going to kill you. And that kind of helps with that along the way. And so, um, but yeah, if you have any other questions about it, I, I think we did like a decent job on, on covering. That, but like, yeah, yeah, just kind of like get out there and action is the best thing. It's a numbers game, dude. You're not going to have everybody accept you. You know, it's going to happen. You're going to get more nos than yeses. I'm not going to like try to like fluff that up, but at the same time, it's like you do it and it's, you get better at it and you'll get better at getting yeses. And then even the nos aren't even that harsh. And that, that in itself is encouraging too. Like you can literally make A woman's day just by talking to them and compliments. Like, who doesn't like that? You give out good vibes and it's really not the end of the world, you know? Like, it's really not that bad.

I think that's one other thing I, the last question I'd have is that I know sometimes whenever I do get anxious, I'm sure this'll just get better with reference experience, but I'm, I'm curious if you have any solutions that would help me get there faster, but I'll, I'll tend to talk faster. So, so like I, I start off. where I ask a question and because I'm worried about the response and how it's going to progress, it's like almost like I'm trying to get through it more quickly. I don't— not that I really want to, but I'll start to talk fast and I'm not, I'm not really engaging in the conversation in the same way that I would if I were relaxed.

Yeah, yeah, that just again, it comes with practice, but realizing that is good and the fact that you're aware is great. But yeah, just being calm, chill, especially with day game, you want to just come off as just Chill, confident, and just kind of talking in just, uh, like a, just a slower tone. Just take your time. And it's okay to have a little bit of spatial gaps, like, in between. Mm-hmm. Because a lot of the time you're just like, okay, I need to fill in the thing. And to some degree, like, you should, like, if you're starting the conversation, you should carry the burden of the conversation. So I'm saying, like, don't, like, you still have to do that to some degree, but at the same time, it can have room to, to breathe and kind of just talk like we're talking now, like, perfect. You know, it's like good pacing. You know, it's, it's not the end of the world, but that just happens over time and just being in there. And all that is just nervous energy feeding on itself. And then your approach to anxiety is feeding off of that nervous energy. And so both of those, whenever you are aware of that and you keep at it, then it just kind of subsides even more to where it's not— you're just more aware of just more of like moving the conversation along. And to like the different phases that I kind of talked about, as far as just Showing intent, asking open-ended questions, uh, making observations, building comfort, teasing, um, all these things coming, giving out good vibes. You just do that, carry the conversation along, and then you get to the place to where you want to hold like a 5 to 10 minute conversation. The longer the better. And then you can ask for the number. And at that point it just becomes a more solid number close. So yeah, it's not terrible. Again, it just comes down to reference experience, putting yourself out there. And that's what should be the success. And I talk about that with the goals, but like, you know, it's like just make the, the goal the success. So it's like just talking to 5 women, you know, on a given day that you go out, that's the, that's the success. So whether they say yes or no, that's cool, but make the action the success because that's what we can control at the end of the day. We can't make anyone say yes or no. And that's what approach anxiety goes off of, is like, what if she, you know, rejects me utterly? And I'm saying— We take that out by making the goal that we just attempt, because at the end of the day, that's all we can do. We can't control their answers, but we can get better over time with the different stuff. And that, that is what's going to take it to the next level.

Okay, that makes sense.

Yes, sir. Any other questions, or?

I think that's good. That's all I got for now.

All right, man. Well, that's it, bro. Just, uh, just remember, you can't outthink approach anxiety. Just, you just, but you can outdo it, you know what I'm saying? So just keep that in mind and then just get your reps in and, um, that's all you can do. And just, just holler at me and, and we could always go from there, or just, you could always talk to the community and, uh, reach out that way and just celebrate the win, man. But good stuff, man. Awesome.

Thank you.