Become the Man She Can't Leave: The Identity Shift Explained

All right, so we're going to talk about identity shifts that save your marriage today. So let's just get started out here by setting the expectation of what this is. This is not entertainment. This is not inspiration, motivation. This is actually about transformation. None of you are here to be entertained. Hopefully, you're all here to be transformed. So transformation comes out of identity shift. That's the only place that it comes from. If you managed to save your marriage, it's because there's been a transformation of identity. Either consciously or unconsciously, knowingly or unknowingly. So let's, let's bring that into the conscious today, and let's, let's give you, A, the skills of how to identify the identity that you're actually operating out of right now, and B, the skills to actually transform that into an identity that is supporting your marriage. So before I get started here, I know there's going to be criticisms of people going, so I have to change my identity, I have to change who I am, blah blah blah. Well, hopefully by the end of this you'll realize that that's not the case. Identity is just a set of behaviors, and if you're behaving badly, why would you not want to change that? Once you identify that you're behaving badly or you're behaving in a way that doesn't support who you are or what you're looking for, why would you not want to change that? So identity— we'll get into identity, to talking about and identifying what identity actually is here. Will define it, but your identity is not, I'm American, or I'm Gaelic, or I'm Lebanese, or I'm any of these things. We'll get into it, but it's really just a set of behaviors, right? So marriage crisis is in fact an identity crisis, is what it is. So the divorce is exposing your identity. The divorce and the pressure that it's putting on you is revealing the operating system, and that identity is revealed through the behavior. So The bottom, the bottom line here is this is about diagnosis, about diagnostics, and the only thing that matters is the life you live is the man you are. It doesn't matter who you say you are. Your behavior determines who you are. If you lie, you're a liar. If you behave badly, you're a man who behaves badly. If you tell the truth, you're a truthful man. If you're a generous man, then you're generous. Your behavior determines the identity that you hold, not what somebody says. So let's get really crystal clear about this, because clarity is a force multiplier. So identity is simply a collection of beliefs that you hold about yourself. Those beliefs determine how you interpret the world, how you feel, the decisions that you make, and ultimately the life that you create. So to define this even further, identity is simply a collection of beliefs that you hold about who you are. That's all it is. Identity is the story that you believe about yourself. So you're lucky, you're unlucky, you're successful, you're unsuccessful, you deserve what you have, you deserve more, you deserve less, so on and so forth. Self-worth falls into this category. Confidence falls into this category. It's just a simple It's just a set of beliefs and the, the story that you tell yourself about your life. And keep in mind, it is only a story. So identity is the set of beliefs that define who you think you are and what you believe you're capable of. If you don't believe that you're capable of something, you just simply won't try. You won't give it a go. If you think that the housing market is going to crash, you're not going to invest in real estate. If you think it's a waste of time to try and save your marriage, You're just not even gonna try. So it's very, very important that you hold a set of beliefs and identities about yourself that support the outcome that you're looking for. If you don't think that your wife is capable of responding positively, then you're just not even gonna try, and your outcome is determined before you even start. Many men go, well, she won't do this, she won't do that. Well, you've already judged the situation, decided that it's pointless to try. This is the story that you're telling yourself about yourself. This is the story that you believe to be true. And quite frankly, in order to even try, you have to believe it's possible. And if you're telling yourself stories that it's not possible, then, then the game's over before you even begin. So it's an identity— could be defined as the internal model of who you are. Or it could be defined as the beliefs you hold about you that shape how you think, feel, and behave. So ultimately, behavior comes out of your identity. You will not behave in a way that is inconsistent with your identity for any length of time. Now, one of two things is going to happen if you do. You can behave inconsistently with your identity for a short period of time, but here's what's going to happen. You're either going to shift your identity to match the behavior, or you're going to modify your behavior and change it back to fit your belief system. And let me tell you, anytime you violate your identity with your behavior, prepare because pain is coming. You're going to suffer. If you believe— if your identity is one of honesty and you find yourself in a situation where you behave dishonestly in a situation, you will remodel, you will modify your behavior to come back to honesty. Or you will experience pain ultimately in the behavior that you've engaged in. So this is very, very important to understand. Results come from behavior, and your behavior comes out of identity. So to change your results, guess what? You must change your identity. Or to put it another way, the fruit comes from the root. You cannot change the fruit of a tree without changing the root. The root of the tree is your identity. The fruit of the tree is the behavior that comes out of the identity. To try and change the fruit without addressing the root is utter insanity. It's simply impossible. That's why what we're talking about today is so important and so transformational, if you can actually take this and apply it to your life and realize— this is why I say all the time, forget about the marriage, forget about what she's doing, forget about what's going on, because that's just the fruit. That's just the fruit of the root of the tree. All the fruit is telling us, it's identifying the root. If you want to know what kind of roots are in the ground, look at the fruit. If oranges are hanging on the tree, it's an orange tree. If lemons are hanging on the tree, it's a lemon tree. The fruit just tells us the identity that is currently running. So the biggest mistake we can make here is to not actually understand what identity is, because if we go wrong in the beginning, we'll never go right. If you don't understand what identity actually is, you'll try and change something, and That it simply is a waste of time. You're trying to change the roots, but you're actually messing with something altogether. So it's not self-image. It's not aspirations of who you hope to be or hope to achieve. It's not your intentions. Your identity does not come from positive affirmations or what you tell yourself. Or in other words, your identity is not who you say you are or who you believe yourself to be. Your identity is the operating system that is running you, that is running your life. How many of us here do things and go, "Why did I do that? I that's I don't even I didn't even want to do that. I don't know why I said that. I don't know why I acted that way. Why did I hit the stupid button?" Because your identity is driving it. The conscious part of you is the fruit. The part that you're seeing is simply the fruit. And to say I don't want to hit the stupid button anymore is like looking at an orange on a tree and saying I wish it was a grapefruit. So your identity truly is— how do we know our identity? How you act and who you show up as. If you're acting poorly within the marriage, then you have an identity that is fractured and needs working on if you want to save the marriage. Now again, there's no right and wrong here. There's simply results. I'm not saying that your identity is broken or bad. I'm just saying that the identity that you currently hold to and believe to be true And are operating from, the operating system, is producing this fruit. The only— the question I'm asking you is, do you like the fruit that is produced? And if the answer is yes, then power to you. Just turn this off right now and ignore what I'm saying. If you don't like the fruit though, then the only smart move is to go, well, my identity is producing that. That's the root. How do I cut these roots up, burn them, and plant new roots? That's what we're going to learn how to do today. So Stop looking at words, intentions, explanations, excuses, or statements such as, I don't know what happened there, Cody. That's not who I am. That is who you are, brother. Your identity is not your words, intentions, or explanations. I talk to men and they tell me what they've done, and they go, I don't know how that— that's not even me, Cody. That's not even me. And let me tell you what, what, what's being said there is my behavior is so appalling and so unacceptable to me that I've created a persona, a fiction, a fictional character. And instead of looking at the behavior that is— that has happened in this situation, I've created a fiction, a persona, and I've projected that behavior onto that fiction and said, that behavior wasn't me. I don't have to take any responsibility for that behavior. It's that fiction. That's what we say when we're saying, that's not me, I'm not like that. Well, who was it then that said that? Who was it that behaved that way, looked like you, sounded like you? So if we want to actually identify the identity, which is very— this is very positive. I know it can sound very negative at times or critical, but at the end of the day, this is the beginning of transformation. This is the beginning of the rest of Yeah. We've got to look at the repeated behaviors that are being demonstrated. We've got to look at the automatic reactions, the patterns, and what happens when you're under pressure. We get to find out who you are when you're pressured. Who you show up as with a good night's sleep, a full belly of food, and you're nice and warm and everything's going well— that's not who you are. Anybody can behave well in those circumstances. Anybody can do a good job. Who are you when you're tired? Who are, who are you when things are not going your way? Who are you when the chips are down? Who are you when your belly's empty? When you're cold? When she's just told you that she's talking to a lawyer? When you've just found out she's having an affair? When you've just found out that she's looking at a lease on an apartment or a house? When you've— when bad news hits, who are you in that situation? That's when we get to find out who you truly are. That's when the real man is revealed, and the real man has to be revealed In order for us to go to work. So again, your identity is revealed through behavior. It's not identity— it's not revealed through who you say you are, who you think you are, or where you were born, or your genetic heritage. Let's, let's look at some examples of maybe a negative identity here that are revealed through behavior: shouting, begging, manipulating, lying, controlling, defending, blaming, withdrawing, stonewalling. None of us have ever done any of these things, right? Most of us, including myself, have probably done them within the last 24 hours. But again, these are diagnostics. These are not judgments on you. These are diagnostics going, okay, well, this is what's going on. Are any of these helpful for the relationship? No. Are any of these helpful for getting the outcome that you're looking for? No. Are any of these going to give you what you want in your life? No. Well, then we have to identify them and we have to execute them. We have to get rid of them. We have to get them out of your life. So the real question here is, what kind of man believes that these behaviors are acceptable? Because at the end of the day, We all engage in these, these behaviors, right? Have I been an aggressive husband? Yes. Controlling, defensive, manipulate, manipulative, victim, emotionally dependent? Yes. All of these things. Have we all been these things? Probably. That's why we're here. It's why we're watching this right now. But at the end of the day, we can say these things are not acceptable. One of my less finer moments that I tell about was I shouted at an old lady. It was actually a couple years ago now. Time's moving pretty quick. But I, I ended up That's shouting at an old lady, and I can say in my mind, that's wrong, you shouldn't do that, and I can say, I don't believe that that's right, but the fact of the matter is I did it. So the question is, what kind of man would do that? A man that believes it's acceptable, because here's the thing, right? If you genuinely do not believe it's acceptable, you don't do it. If you were doing it, there's a part of you that believes that it's completely acceptable. Who here believes it's wrong to kill somebody? How many's done it? If you believe— when you genuinely believe, and this is the identity, right? This is what we have to get to the bottom, because this is where the transformation takes place. We can't sugarcoat this. If you are engaging in any behavior that is negative, you in your core identity believe that that is right, because the bottom line is, if you did not believe it was right truly, I murder, you would not engage in it. We do not do the things that we truly believe are wrong. If we're doing it, at some level in our identity, in our core, we believe it's okay to do that. And the bottom line is, what kind of man would shout at an old lady? A man that thinks that it's okay to shout at old ladies is the answer to that question. So if we're going to get to the bottom of this, because this is going to— this is a practical lesson today. This is not— I'm not just giving you Ideas here. This— we're gonna, we're gonna learn how to transform your identity into something that's productive and supportive. So you've got to remove your explanations and your stories: trauma, stress, childhood, ADHD, personality, intentions, all of these things. You know what? Nobody cares. Nobody cares. If I'm, if I'm treating you badly and you go, Cody, you're treating me badly, I'm not really very happy about that, and I go, well, I've got ADHD, so it's okay. No, No, it's not okay. I'm punching you in the face and you're going, Cody, I'm not really very happy about you punching me in the face right now. It's okay, John, I've got trauma. If you understood my trauma, you would understand why I'm punching you in the face. Nobody cares. This is why stories are the biggest block between where we are and what we want. When we remove the story, we open the inner state of transformation. And all of these things, I'm not belittling these things or saying these things are not true, but here's the thing, right? If you've got ADHD, guess what? It means you have to work twice as hard to get the result. If you're suffering from trauma, it means you have to work twice as hard to get the result. That's all it means. It doesn't mean you get a pass. So again, let's summarize this part of the presentation. It's only about behavior. Your behavior reveals your belief, and your belief reveals your identity. For me to shout at an old lady is revealing the belief that ultimately I think it's okay to shout at old ladies, and that is also revealing my identity. And let me ask you, is that an identity that is supportive to anything that I want in my life? No. Then it has to be addressed, and it has to be removed. It has to be uprooted. So here's, here's what we have to do. We have to test the identity. So in this example of using myself here, my actual true identity that has been revealed through behavior is that I think it's okay to shout at old ladies. Then the question I have to ask myself is, is that true? Is that belief true? Is it actually okay, Cody, to shout at old ladies? No. Well, you can decide for yourself on that, but I'm gonna say no. I'm gonna say no, it's not okay to shout at old ladies. And I can even go further. Is that a belief that's building my identity that supports where I want to go, what I want to achieve, the things I want to do, the life that I want to live? No, absolutely not. So the truth of the matter is that identity is not supporting anything that I want in my life, so it has to go. And in all honesty, like if you'd have asked me before I shouted at that old lady, is it okay for a man to shout at an old lady, Cody? I would have told you no. I wouldn't. I would have said no, it's not okay. But guess what? I don't believe that. It's not true. I think that it's perfectly fine, or in that moment I did at least. So again, this is a beautiful moment. This is a gift. This is a glass half full, half glass half empty situation, right? Meaning, what meaning am I going to assign to this? Am I going to beat myself up? Am I going to criticize myself and go, you're a terrible person, or am I going to go, right, that's an identity that somehow has got in there. That's a belief that needs to be uprooted. It needs to be removed and it needs to be replaced. So examples, right? Like, who's shouted at their wife? Who shouts? Like, is it actually okay to shout? Like, do we ask ourselves these questions? Has anyone asked themselves these questions? How many of us have been manipulated? I know I have. Is it true that it's okay to be manipulated? Is that actually successful? Is that acceptable? Does it— does control create safety? All of these things, when we look at these behaviors with emotional intelligence and sophistication, and we ask ourselves the question, is this acceptable? And then go one step further. Does this support the outcome that I'm looking for? Does shouting at your wife get you closer or further away from the goal that you're seeking here? Does, does manipulate— manipulating get you closer or further away to what you actually want to achieve here? None of these things truly support you. So now this identity is conscious, you've got 2 choices. You either continue it or you reject it. Those are the 2 choices, right? I can either Look at my behavior of shouting at an old lady and go, okay, I need— I reject that behavior. It is absolutely categorically not okay, and start to reprogram myself, the operating system, to pull out the old program that shouting at old ladies is not a big deal and replace it with a new program. Or I can just go back to sleep. I can continue in my pathway forward and go, it's perfectly fine, and then that behavior is going to reappear somewhere else, and the consequences may be catastrophic. When it reappears. So the question when you went— when you actually identify these behaviors is you've got to ask yourself the question, am I willing to continue to be this man? Am I willing to continue being a man that shouts at old ladies? No, absolutely not. And quite frankly, like, it's disgusting, it's appalling, it's shocking. And that disgust is very powerful. It's the catalyst and the motivation to bring about change. It's why when I talk to many of you, the only thing that actually truly brings you to a place of transformation is bringing you face-to-face with your behavior and having you see your behavior, because at the end of the day, the only person that can decide if your behavior is acceptable or unacceptable is you. But you have to see it. And many people, when they actually see the truth of their behaviors— when I look at— when I look in the mirror and I see a man that shouts at old ladies, it's like, no way, this is just— this is not happening. It's not happening. And it's only once you're brought face to face with that behavior, once the mirror is held up, that it provides enough motivation for you to actually change. You have to reject your behavior. You have to find your behavior appalling. You have to find your behavior unacceptable, not your wife. Only when you find it, those things, does transformation take place to where your wife can believe that you've changed, because you have. If someone, if someone comes to me and goes, Cody, it's not acceptable to shout at old ladies, I would agree with them. And I would say, you're absolutely right. I shouldn't have done that, and I won't do that again. But unless I actually become disgusted with my own behavior, if I'm repulsed, unless I'm actually— unless I look at myself in the mirror and go, that was appalling. That was disgusting, and I don't accept it. It's not about that person telling me or intellectually accepting that it's not behavior. Unless I look at myself and go, that is appalling, and I reject that. I am above that, and I'm better than that, and I reject that standard, and I raise the bar. Only then will I change. Only then does the identity change. Only then do the results change. Only then does stability set in. So you have to install a new identity. You have to decide, who do I choose to be? Well, I choose to be a man that does not shout at old ladies under any circumstances ever again. That's what I choose. I choose to be a man who's stable. I choose to be a man who doesn't shout at his wife. I choose to be a man that accepts consequences. I choose to be a man Who do you choose to become? What are your new core beliefs, your core values, your governing principles here? This is the I am. We all— we hear I am, right? The I am. I am. What is I am? I am a man who— prior to that belief and that identity being revealed in me through my behavior, I would, if I'm being honest, I would have to say, I am a man who finds nothing wrong with shouting at old ladies. I am a man who is aggressive with my wife. I am a man who has no issue manipulating a situation to get what I want. I am fill in the blank. This is the I am. You have to choose this. This is the beginning of tearing up the old roots that are running the show. And then reinstalling a new operating system. In order to get the old root system out, you have to acknowledge full-on, I am a man who X, and it's just not going to be pretty. That's a fact. The quicker you look at it, the quicker you can uproot it, and the quicker you can install a new I am. I am a man who would never shout at an old lady. I am a man who does the right thing because it's the right thing to do, regardless of the consequences. I am a man who would never be aggressive with my wife. So define who the— define your I am. You have to define this. I am what? What are you? I am a peaceful husband. I am an honest husband. I am a humble husband, coachable husband, courageous husband, responsible husband, emotionally sovereign husband. You know, we're just talking about husbands here, being a husband and a father. But this goes on and on and on. Like, this is your whole life that needs to be defined here. Your whole life is being run by this operating system. Your whole life. Many of us have not consciously chosen Who we are. We've— it's been handed to us. We've modeled less than ideal behavior. We've learned survival mechanisms over the years, and we've never evaluated whether it's actually effective or not. The operating systems that we're running, we haven't chosen. They've been given to us. And this is your opportunity to decide who you are, to choose the I Am. Who are you? Who am I? So you have to turn this identity into a behavior. So we're blasting through this, right? So let's say, I am a man who is never aggressive with his wife. You have to turn this into behavior, and the way you do that is you ask the question, who— how would a man who had that identity behave? And then you do it. You ask the question, how would the man who owns that identity behave? And then you immediately think, speak, and act like that man. You have to step into that man. It doesn't just happen. If you are a man who never gets— I am a man who is above getting triggered by my wife. Okay, well then how would that man act? What would that man think when his wife's giving it some of that? What would that man speak when his wife's winding him up? How would that man act? And it's gonna feel alien to you to start with because this is new. This is, this is not the behavior that you've engaged in your entire life. But you need to identify. It's very easy to do. This is not hard stuff, right? How would a patient man act? Well, you need to think, speak, and act like that patient man. How would a gentle man act? A man who's gentle with his wife? Then you need to think, speak, and act like that man, and you will move. It will— who, who— the discomfort will go away. And you will start to become that man. That is how you do it. So you do this one step at a time, right? You build the evidence. One decision, one conversation, one day, one habit. Pick one aspect of your identity right now, the least productive. What is serving you the least? And build that and create evidence. When you can— when you see that you can successfully change one aspect of your identity and remove it from a non-fruit-bearing tree to a fruit-bearing tree, it gives you confidence. So what's going to happen if the old man returns? And he will return. We have to expect this, right? Because we're dealing with a lifetime of conditioning, we're dealing with a lifetime of patterns, habits, reactions, the old identity. He will come back. We have to be prepared for that. So here's how we do it. We don't panic. It's normal, it's expected, and it's an opportunity for you to grow. And here's the formula that you use: you recognize, you reject, and you return. So recognize— you name the man that's shown up. Again, in my case, the man that shouts at old ladies is back. Name the behavior. What is the actual behavior here? The behavior truly is a lack of self-control. The behavior is not shouting at an old lady. The behavior that is in question that needs to change is a lack of self-control. So, name the man, name the behavior. I am a man who lacks self-control right now. The man who lacks self-control— that's the operating system— has shown up again. Reject it. I reject it. I reject that identity. I reject that belief, and I reject that behavior. I reject that I don't have self-control. I reject that it's acceptable to behave this way. You have to reject it, but this is so important, right? If you don't name the behavior, you won't recognize the behavior, and then every single situation is a unique situation that has no name. There are patterns running through here. The fact that I shouted at an old lady revealed a lack of self-control. That's the true behavior. I am a man who lacks self-control. Where else is that showing up in my life? Everywhere. It's showing up everywhere. Once the behavior is named, a lack of self-control, now I'm aware of it. Now I'm conscious of it. Now I know when it's showing up. Now I can fight it. And every time a lack of self-control shows up, I reject it. I reject the identity that supports it. I reject the belief that I That allows it to exist, and I reject the behavior that allows it to manifest from a belief into an action and an outcome. And then return, return to the chosen identity. Again, I am— what is the chosen identity? What is the I am that has replaced this? I am a man who shows self-control in all circumstances. Choose to return. Recognize the behavior, reject the behavior, return to the new I Am, return to your new chosen value systems, and return to your new chosen behaviors. Will you screw up? Yes, of course you will. Will the man— will the old man come back and the old behaviors come back? More than you know and more than you would like to experience, but this is the pathway to it. Recognize, Reject, replace, or return. So again, this is, this is an exercise simply in repetition. It's not a case of, I've done that, Cody. This is an ongoing process. It took a long time for your identity to be built. It didn't— you didn't come out of the womb with an identity. It was formed over decades. So understand that every decision that you make reinforces the old identity or it reinforces the new identity. There's nothing neutral here. Every decision that you make is either reinforcing the old or reinforcing the new, and it ultimately just comes down— doing this really is an exercise in consciousness, is all it is. It's being able to recognize when the old man is showing up and And having the discipline to reject and replace with the new man. So again, every behavior casts a vote. You're casting a vote for the old man, or you're casting a vote for the new man. You are building the old— you're rebuilding the old man, or you're building the new man. It's up to you. So the shift here to take place, to identify, remove, and replace the old identity with a new identity, is you've got to stop asking the question, who do I want to become? And start with, who am I actually being? That's the starting point, right? Who are you right now? Who are you showing up as? And then ask the question, is the man I'm showing up as the man that I choose to be? Is that who I want to be? Would I choose me? So the core takeaway here, man, is your words don't reveal your identity, your behavior does. And your marriage did not reveal a different man inside of you. It revealed, it revealed the existing man who had no reason to come out prior to. The man that shouts at an old lady was always in there. She didn't create that man. She just gave him an opportunity to manifest and reveal himself, is all that happened. He was always there waiting to come out. And this is where ultimately one of the new aspects of the identity has to be— you have to become a glass half full person. Are you a glass half empty, or are you a glass half full? What is going on is a tremendous opportunity for you to find the structural weaknesses that are going on, that the, the aspects of your identity and personality that are not supporting you, that are causing you pain, that are going to move you in the direction you don't want to go, and actually get those out of your system, get rid of them once and for all. Because the pain you're experiencing now is going to be experienced at some point. It was inevitable because that man that caused that pain is in there. And we can deal with this now, and we can get this man out, and we can build a new I Am from scratch, one that you choose, one that you design, one that supports the extraordinary life that you want to live. Or we can choose to look at the glass that— you can be a victim if you want to and say, hey, so it's all on me, is it? She doesn't— where's her responsibility in this? Where's her role in this? So true transformation begins when the old operating system becomes visible. You have to act, you have to come face to face with the operating system. When the old identity is rejected, when you see that operating system and you reject it categorically— that's not who I, I refuse to be that man anymore— and when the new identity is repeatedly lived out. Has to be practiced. So our conclusion here is our goal is not to save the old man, to rehabilitate him. He's got to go. The goal is to completely replace him with a new man, a new operating system, a new value system that supports the life that you want to live and the outcome that you want to get. So that's it. Let's jump over to, uh, some Q&A, shall we?