Connor Beaton argues that women leave nice guys because niceness feels safe at first but becomes predictable and boring. Women want a partner who's reliable yet capable of spontaneous behavior, providing both security and tension. The nice guy often turns passive-aggressive or needy, forcing her to parent him instead of feeling desired.
Why is it that women won't stay with a nice guy? You know, it seems to be that in our culture, in the modern conversation where a lot of women are saying that they want men to be more vulnerable, they want men to be more open, they want men to sort of take care of things and be more feminized in a lot of ways. Why is it that so many women won't stay with the quote-unquote nice guys? Why is it that so many nice guys that are out there end up in divorce, end up in heartbreak, have the, you know, the woman that they're with run off with, uh, with, with some sort of quote-unquote asshole? You know, what, what is it about the, the nice guy that women think they want but ultimately end up rejecting? And there's a few things. I think the first real reason is about safety. You know, the female and feminine prerogative is to look for safety in a relationship. That might be safety in terms of resources. It might be safety in terms of knowing that the man that she's with isn't going to be abusive, isn't going to be unfaithful, that there's a kind of fidelity there. That can be a form of safety. Safety for her to share her emotions and what she's feeling and experiencing. But safety is one of the main priorities for almost every woman. And there is a false sense of security in niceness. So a lot of women will look for niceness, right? Like you as a guy, you have to be nice to a degree, right? You can't be a blatant asshole. Even the guys that are labeled as assholes, they're still nice a good amount of the time. They're not just jerks from the get-go. That's very, very rare. For the most part, it's some form of a mix. Maybe they're a little offensive, a little crude, like 20 to 40% of the time. But the rest of the time, they're nice, they're playful, they're engaging, they're creating a sense of security and safety. But There's this notion that if you are nice as a man, that means that you are safe. And they expect the equivalency to happen, right? They expect that if you're nice, then you're safe emotionally, you're safe physically, you're safe financially, you're safe in all of these different ways and areas that they are looking for within a partner. But that's short-lived, right? That will eventually fade out because what will start to happen is that Niceness will turn into boredom. That niceness will turn into predictability. That niceness will turn into realizing that that man is hiding something. He's disconnected from his anger. And so eventually, as the relationship goes on, that man won't be able to hold up this false illusion of being Prince Charming, of being this guy that's nice all the time and doesn't have any needs and doesn't have any wants and just acquiesces. Yeses to what she wants. And so eventually he will begin to act not so nice. He'll be passive-aggressive, he'll become needy, he, you know, maybe he'll stop saying yes to everything. And so what happens is a lot of women will get into relationships with nice guys because they realize consciously or unconsciously that there's a high level of control, that she's going to get what she wants when she wants it. She's going to be able to control that man. She's going to be able to to direct him and tell him what to do and tell him what she wants. And, you know, if she's been in a relationship with a guy who is the opposite of that, who she had no control over, who was pursuing his purpose and was just on direction, or he was, you know, whatever, then there's this sense of like, oh, this feels good, you know, to a certain degree. But again, it will get boring. And eventually the thing that she looked for that she thought caused Safety, right? If I can control you, if you say yes to me all the time, if I can get you to come out with my friends whenever I want and watch the freaking Bachelor and the stupid TV shows that I wanna watch, then I'll feel a sense of safety and security. That ends up becoming the thing that she resents him for. That ends up becoming the thing that she looks at him a year into the relationship or 6 months into the relationship and just thinks like, Don't you have a life of your own? Don't you have a voice of your own? Can't you stand up for yourself? Like, I don't want to have to tell you what to do all the time. And she ends up going into a parentified role where she feels like she's starting to mother him. And so, you know, I think there's a few things that we can do. I created a different video about this in terms of, you know, how men really break free from nice guy tendencies. But this was more of a look at what's the female psychology that's behind this? Why are women so interested in wanting nice guys and sort of grooming nice guys and telling men that they should fit into this nice guy archetype, but it has a shelf life. They say that that's what they want, and then somewhere down the road they become bored, they become resentful. There isn't the polarity, there isn't that sense of unpredictability. The real truth is that most women want unpredictability. They want you to be reliable, But sometimes unpredictable. You know, it's like this beautiful tension that starts to build underneath the surface. And so if you can find this place within you where you are reliable to yourself, you're able to set the course of what you wanna do and when you wanna do it, and you're reliable to your word when you tell her you're gonna do something and be somewhere, that you're reliable in that way, but you're unpredictable in the sense that she doesn't know if you're always going to say yes to something that she wants to do. She doesn't know if you're going to be spontaneous surprise her. This unpredictability within a man is a really attractive quality. And so just notice, notice these parts of yourself. Notice these parts of maybe the women that you're dating, the women that you're with, that they're trying to get you into this nice guy archetype because they're looking for safety. So let me know what you think. Were there things that you disagreed with? What would you add to this conversation? And why do you think that most women don't stay with nice guys? Comment below and I'll see you next time.
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