10 Distorted Beliefs Sabotaging Your Relationships

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Welcome back. My name is Danielle Thornton Gianni. I'm an anxiety and OCD recovery coach, helping people recover from anxiety, avoidance and ocd, just like I have so you can live a happy life with happy, fulfilling relationships. Today we're going to talk about 10 belief distortions that a lot of people with anxiety or OCD around relationships struggle with. Number one is that I should always feel in love. It's actually not normal to always feel in love. You're going to sometimes feel feelings of love, many times feel neutral feelings, and sometimes be annoyed or not even like your partner. Number two, my partner should never disappoint me. People are human, and especially in relationships, people are going to disappoint us from time to time. They can't read our minds, they can't predict our behavior or know exactly what we want all the time. And we're both two individual people in a relationship. So if you're in a long term relationship, your partner is going to disappoint you from time to time. Number three, the perfect relationship is the one in which I've always envisioned with anxiety, but especially with ocd, our brain wants things to look a certain way and it envisions what our relationship should look like, what our partner should look like. And the reality is that isn't going to happen. Let go of that picture that your brain is creating and, and all the things that you think your partner should be doing. Let go of that picture and let the relationship play out as it is. It doesn't mean that some of your needs and expectations aren't going to be met, but your relationship is what it is. And you're going to have to likely practice a lot of acceptance. Some communication about what your needs are and what your boundaries are, but a lot of acceptance of what is focusing more on what's going right versus what's going wrong. The caveat here is if you have major misalignments in your values and how you see your future, if there's abuse, those are different situations. We're talking about generally healthy relationships and how anxiety and OCD can creep in and cause issues. Number four, I will always be attracted to my partner. Now, some people are with very attractive partners, some people not so much. Attraction isn't just physical. It's physical, it's emotional, it's spiritual, even intellectual. A lot of people think of attraction as just physical. Sometimes you're going to be attracted to your partner, other times their hair is going to be sticking straight up, they're in their PJs and you may or may not find this attractive. Just like our feelings, our attraction is going to go in and out depending on the day. And this is very normal. Number five, sex should always be consistent, good and easy. Some relationships have wonderful sex, other relationships, it takes a little bit more work, communication and compromise to have a healthy sex life that meets both of your needs. Sex isn't always going to be perfect, you're not always going to want it. And throughout the relationship there may be physical things that get in the way of those desires to have sex. So allow sex to be imperfect just like you are the rest of the relationship. It doesn't mean that you can't have a satisfying sex life. It just means that you need to go with the flow of the ups and downs and things that can can happen in long term relationships. Number six, I should never want to leave. The reality is, every once in a while people question whether they're in the right relationship or if this is the relationship that they want to continue in. Especially in very long term relationships, you're going to go through ups, you're going to go through downs, you're going to have hard times. And there may be moments when you ask yourself, should I continue in this relationship? It's very normal, doesn't mean you need to end the relationship. But it's very normal in long term relationships to have those questions. Now, some of you may go through these doubts early on. Anxiety and OCD will focus on what isn't going right, what could go wrong. And your brain may be in a very anxious, negative state. And when that's the case, you need help with working through that so that you can eliminate this anxiety, those doubts and negative thoughts, and see the relationship more for what it is instead. What could go wrong or what might be wrong? Number seven, we need to be extremely compatible or alike to be happy. This is actually not true. You can have different interests, you can even have different religions. If that's not a deal breaker for you. You can have a lot of things different about you and still be happy in the relationship. It's all about what bonds you. Is there consistency? Is there consistent intimacy, not just sex, but connection, cuddling, physical affection? Do you come together through mutual interests, even though at times you have separate interests? Do you compromise with each other and do things together, even if it's not your favorite thing to do? Do you find things that you enjoy to do together, even if there are things that you do apart? These are all ways that you can have a healthy, happy relationship. Even, even if you have things that you're not compatible with. Number 8. A good relationship never has problems. Not true at all. Again, you're going to have incompatibilities. You're going to have disagreements and see things differently. And you're going to have different needs and boundaries, and you're going to have problems. You're probably going to have a couple things that come up and never get resolved. They come up from time to time. This is common. Again, you're two imperfect people coming into a relationship, making a life together. So you're going to have problems and disagreements. It's not about the problem. It's about how you're responding. Just like with anxiety and ocd, it's not about the thoughts or the feelings or the situation. It's about how you respond. So. So as long as you're able to come together and communicate the best that you can, we all have to work on communication. And you're both listening to each other and you're able to work towards a mutually satisfying agreement. Compromising. And you both put in that effort. That's really what you're looking for at the foundation of a good, healthy relationship. Number nine, I should be 100% sure that this is the right relationship for me. Nobody is a hundred percent sure. Now, you may have friends or people online that say, this is the love of my life, and I have no doubts. Sometimes people think they're sure because they're making a choice. It's a conscious choice. They're choosing to move forward. Some people are much better at just jumping in the pool without even looking down first, and others are not. But nobody's 100% sure that their relationship is going to work out. Sometimes they just choose to believe that, and that's okay. We've all heard of relationships. That person was 100% sure all in and it didn't work out. And we've heard of relationships that people didn't think were going to work and they did. 100% certainty does not exist. Doubts are normal. But again, it's all about how you respond. So it's okay to have doubts. It's okay not to be sure. We're all making the best decisions we can with the information that we have in the moment. And that's what life is about. Risk making decisions, learning, and moving forward anyway. Number 10. If I get a feeling that something is wrong, that means that it's true. There is something wrong. Not true. There's a difference between intuition, which is calm, and knowing. It doesn't mean it's the decision we wanna make, but it's calm and we just know we need to make that decision. And fear or anxiety which feels very uncomfortable, very anxiety provoking and it gets very confusing because usually there's a part of you that wants that thing and a part of you that's afraid of it. So they're conflicting. So just because you get a feeling that something is wrong doesn't mean there's something wrong. Just because you have doubts doesn't mean it's the wrong decision. It's important to understand when anxiety shows up versus true intuition. And anxiety is going to feel very uncomfortable and very confusing. Intuition is calm and knowing. So just because you have a thought or a feeling that's uncomfortable doesn't mean that it's true. If you struggle with some or many of these beliefs, it is so crucial to get help with this. The brain is so interesting. I used to struggle with all of these so much and I finally learned what was happening in my brain that was causing me to feel so much discomfort and have these fear or perfection based thoughts. What I was doing that was making it worse. And I learned what to do to completely quiet anxiety and OCD to feel more confident in my decisions to no longer experience intrusive of thoughts. And you can do that too. Check out the link in the description below. Comment like subscribe to my channel if you want more videos like this and we will talk to you very soon.