A short talk by life coach Danielle Thornton explaining why pathological reassurance seeking (common in OCD/anxiety, including ROCD) is unhelpful long-term because it seeks certainty outside the self. She outlines three forms of healthy reassurance seeking: (1) self-soothing, (2) building a strong sense of self, and (3) strengthening subconscious internal beliefs. The video closes with a pitch for her group coaching program and an invitation to subscribe.
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Welcome. My name is Danielle Thornton. I am a life coach and course creator. And today I want to talk about three forms of healthy reassurance seeking. But first, let's talk about why reassurance seeking is actually frowned upon when it comes to OCD anxiety. So OCD and anxiety stems from the fear that you're going through with certain thoughts. A fear of the future or a fear of uncertainty. And so what your mind is trying to do is it's trying to keep you safe by seeking reassurance anywhere that it can. We might be looking for articles or things that tells us that we're right or we're thinking the right way, or proof that, you know, what we're hoping will happen will actually happen. We might be seeking reassurance from our partner to tell us how they feel, to tell us what we want to hear, or to tell us how they feel, or that they won't leave us in some way. Or we might be looking for proof that our beliefs, the internal beliefs that we have going on, are actually true. And so when we start looking for something, whether it's good or bad, we're probably gonna find it, because there's a lot of information out there and there's a lot of different opinions. And if we look hard enough, we'll find what we're looking for. But because the anxiety is all in our heads, there's nothing outside of us that is ever going to reassure us. It's usually very short term reassurance. But long term, when the root of it is what's going on in your head and you're seeking something outside of yourself for that reassurance, you're never gonna find it, because what's going on in your head is always gonna come back over and over and over again, because that's where the anxiety and fear is stemming from. We are the only ones that can provide ourselves any sort of certainty or reassurance because we're in charge of our lives and we're in charge of what's going on in our heads. The key is to get comfortable with uncertainty and get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable in general. This is really key because one of the most common coping mechanisms for anxiety and OCD is avoidance. We're avoiding our feelings, we're avoiding feeling the uncomfortable feelings, we're avoiding the things that scare us all of the time. And the problem with that is what we avoid only grows stronger, it grows bigger, and it makes that thing that we're afraid of just seem that much scarier than because our coping mechanism is taking us away from it. We've all heard about facing our fears, right? And that is exactly what you need to do. Because when you start to face your fears, you're actually building inner strength and you're building confidence in yourself, which is really, really important. The great thing is that's actually going to bring you more certainty, which is exactly what you're looking for. So let's talk about healthy reassurance seeking. So when it comes to reassurance seeking, there's nothing wrong with seeking reassurance. We all need reassurance every once in a while from family members and friends, and there's nothing wrong with that once in a while. But the problem is, when we're suffering from anxiety and ocd, we tend to seek reassurance all the time. And the problem with this is that it weakens your sense of self and it actually creates more anxiety in the long term. So let's talk about three forms of healthy reassurance seeking that you can start doing right now. Number one is self soothing. This is really crucial, the ability to soothe yourself and be there for yourself in the long run. A lot of times when we suffer from anxiety, ocd, depression, we have a really bad habit of not having a very good relationship with ourselves and not being there for ourselves. And so we tend to rely on other people, which is always going to lead to disappointment, because nobody else can really know what you need and know what you're feeling all the time. And not only that, is they don't always know what to do. So it creates a lot of disappointment when we have expectations like this. The second one is building a strong sense of self. Super important. And what this means is knowing who you are and knowing what you need in your life. To put it in a nutshell, the third form of healthy reassurance seeking is actually strengthening your subconscious internal beliefs. And what this is going to do is this is going to create a lot of certainty for you, because these ingrained beliefs that a lot of us have, which often are very limiting, are running in the background all of the time. It's affecting our behavior, it's affecting our thoughts and the filter that we see life through. It's how we interpret other people's behavior. So let's say that you have a partner that comes home and they're in a really bad mood. They're not very talkative. And if you have a belief that I'm not good enough, then you might start to blame yourself for the fact that your partner isn't having a good day or they're kind of shut down. And when we do that, we create a lot of pain for ourselves and most of the time it really doesn't have anything to do with us. It's just that they may have had a bad day and they might need a little bit of time to decompress. So when we really work through some of these internal beliefs, what will happen is the filter that we see life through is completely different and things just really don't bother us anymore. So it's a really great way to start to build inner strength and it's actually a great way to start to feel that reassurance that you need on a daily basis. So if you're needing more support and you want to learn the tools and the skills to really start to build a really strong sense of self, not seek reassurance through other people, but to be really confident in how you feel, to know how to handle your fears and anxieties. I have a wonderful program that I built all of the tools that helped me get through my relationship OCD and learn to have a much more confident, healthy relationships. You can click on the link below. It's going to walk you through everything step by step. It is a group coaching program so it's Live with Me. If you want something more comprehensive, we can definitely also work one on one together. But this program is a great way to get some support with people who understand what you're going through and to get the real tools that is going to help you go to that next level in your relationship with yourself and with your partner. I hope you got a lot out of this video. Please like this video or subscribe to Let me know that you want more information like this and just know that you are not alone. I am here with you every step of the way. Hope you have a great day.
