5 Tips: Navigating Valentine's Day with Relationship OCD

Welcome back. My name is Danielle Thornton Gianni. I'm an anxiety and OCD recovery specialist, helping people live happy lives with happy, healthy relationships, just like I've been able to do. Today we're going to talk about how to navigate Valentine's Day when you struggle with relationship ocd. I have five tips for you today that are really going to help. Number one is letting go of expectations. So sometimes we have unrealistic expectations because of friends, media, family, expectations. When the brain is anxious, it sometimes seems seeks certainty and perfection for safety. It thinks that if things can look a certain way, that means we're safe, that means everything is okay. But a lot of times this reaction is really exaggerated. So we get a picture of what things should look like in our brain. And when things don't go that way, we can really struggle. So allow yourself to let go of expectations and just see what is. Because a lot of times we create a lot of anxiety and discomfort leading up to something, just worrying about how it's going to go or expecting perfection in yourself that things go a certain way and it causes a lot more stress than what's necessary. So let go of expectations, let it play out, do your best, and you'll often find that the day turns out really well. Number two, keep rumination at a minimum. The brain thinks that it can think its way out of any situation. And the reality is sometimes thinking is helpful. But like a lot of things, when we do it too much, it becomes unhealthy and ineffective. Your brain just goes into rumination and overthinking about things, and it's just going into stories, usually negative stories, perfectionistic stories that aren't even happening. It's not reality. So leading up to Valentine's Day, during and after, I want you to practice letting go of all of the thoughts about it. Stay in the present moment. Focus on what is. Focus on who you want to be in this day, what goals that you want to accomplish and get out of your head. Number three is not judging your feelings, but acting despite your feelings. If you're feeling really anxious about the day, it's okay to feel anxious. It's okay to have that feeling. I want you to allow that to be there. But what I don't want you to do is obsess about it or worry about it or judge yourself for having that feeling. If you're feeling a lack of feelings, I want you to also let that be okay, don't judge it. But either way, I want you to act despite how you're feeling. So ask Yourself right now, who do I want to be on Valentine's Day? And that's the picture that I want you to focus on. Not how you're feeling, not your worries or your discomfort, but who you want to be despite these feelings. Because these feelings are just coming from old unhealthy beliefs about yourself, about others. And when we stop listening to those and we act anyway, these feelings go away. They don't happen more. And we're building confidence in ourselves despite these unhealthy patterns that we might have. You're learning not to act on the discomfort. Whether that's anxiety or avoidance, whether it's too many feelings are not enough. When you act on those things, it actually makes them bigger. When you act despite them, you build comfort in whatever area that is that you're trying to build comfort. Number four is setting mutual goals and expectations. Have a conversation with your partner about what these holidays look like for you, what they look like for your partner, and come to a mutual agreement on what you both want. Remember that this is a relationship with two people in it, and you're both going to create this relationship together. So if this holiday isn't important to your partner, but it is to you, find a way that works for both of you that you can enjoy it together. Have some flexibility with what your partner wants. Remember, this is a relationship, a partnership with two people. And as long as you're both listening to each other and compromising, you can come to a healthy, happy place for both of you. Number five is accepting and appreciating. When we can accept what is versus focusing on what isn't. You're going to find a lot more inner peace. But the more you can appreciate what you do have and what people do actually do for you, the better you're both going to feel. Again, it often goes back to expectations, but also they're an individual that has their own expectations and practices. So don't let that anxiety or avoidance affect the days leading up to Valentine's Day or the day itself. Maybe this isn't an important day for you, maybe it is. But I want you to zoom out and focus on the bigger picture. I think that it's a great day to celebrate love. Whether it's with your partner, your friends, your, your family, it's a wonderful day. When you follow these five tips, you're going to have a much better day. I promise. We'll talk to you very soon.