Get more positive feelings in your relationship! I ROCD I Relationship Anxiety I Avoidant Attachment

Welcome. My name is Danielle Thornton. I'm an anxiety and OCD recovery coach. And today I want to talk about how you get the positive in love feelings back when they have been gone due to anxiety in your relationship or relationship ocd. So first, let's talk about why these feelings are not there. When you're getting intrusive thoughts or there is fear and anxiety around relationships for you, what's happening is your brain is sending you these alarm bells. It's saying, maybe you're going to get hurt, maybe you're not compatible. What if I'm choosing the wrong person? It's over focusing on negativity. The reason why the brain is doing this is because it's trying to keep you safe. It thinks relationships are unsafe and it's trying to get you away from the relationship. Essentially, it thinks it's doing a good thing. It's really not. It's highly overreacting, usually. But that's why you're getting these negative thoughts and potentially hyper focusing on negative things, flaws or incompatibilities in the person or the relationship. So as you're getting these thoughts, our thoughts create our feelings. So you might be experiencing either discomfort, anxiety, numbness, or even the desire to run away or leave the relationship, which is what will help you feel better. Right? You think that will help you feel better? Essentially, it will. In the short term, you'll feel the relief because you've gotten away from the trigger. But what will happen is every time you try to move into a new relationship, likely the same thing will happen again. Running away actually does not help. But we're going to talk more about that as your brain is focusing on these negatives and sending you these false alarms that something might be wrong. In fact, if you're in the dating stages, you might take one thing that that person says and it triggers some anxiety about, well, what if this person's incompatible? What if they don't want the same things? Right. And it's just one little piece of information. But your brain is going to take that one thing and make it this huge story of what's going to happen in the future. Right. Anxiety is focused on what ifs in the future, typically. So as you're getting these negative thoughts, you're getting stuck in a lot of negative stories. With negative thoughts come negative feelings. So then what follows that is the behavior, the behavior of avoiding or being distant or not showing up in a way that you want to, which then affects the relationship negatively, often. Right. And hopefully you have some ups and downs. You have Good times and maybe anxious times. Sometimes you might be all anxious, right? And very few good times, depending on how bad your anxiety is. But these negative thoughts create negative feelings. And of course you're not going to feel very positive when you're having this anxiety. If you're already in a relationship or you're maybe even in a marriage and you're experiencing intrusive thoughts about your relationship or about your partner. The thing about anxiety or OCD is you're often ruminating. The rumination is a way that the brain, again, it thinks it's doing a good thing. It's repeating over and over again, trying to figure things out, thinking about past scenarios, going into future scenarios. It thinks it's doing a good thing, that it's going to figure something out and come up with this magic solution when the reality is it's not. But if you're in this negative thought loop, because if you ruminate, I promise you, you're in a negative thought loop. There's no positive thoughts in there, very few. So you're in a negative thought loop and you're going to experience negative feelings. And how can you experience love or positive feelings when you're in a negative thought loop and feeling anxiety and doubt and discomfort? Right? So the reason why the feelings are gone is because of either the anxiety or the OCD that you are experiencing. You can't have both. And the reason why is the brain is sending you these false alarms. It wants you to leave. It wants you to run away. It thinks that there is something unsafe, like a bear that's going to kill you and it's designed to get you to run away. Right? That's how the brain works. The problem is the brain is highly overreacting to everything that's going on. You are not in a dangerous situation. You are not in a life or death situation, right? You are exploring a relationship. Now, is there risk? Yes, there's risk in everything. But if we let fear overtake things, we are going to run away. We are going to behave in a way that is distant and not conducive to a happy, healthy relationship. So this fear is the problem. Whether we are talking about anxiety, ocd, or even just resistance and avoidance, it is fear. Then what happens is our perception is skewed, right? We're looking through a lens of fear. So we're hypervigilant of, well, what do I need to look out for? Where are we incompatible? Where are we not connecting? Where could things go wrong in the future, Right? So your perception starts to change. Because you're looking through a lens of fear and a lens of hypervigilance. So it makes a lot of sense that of course you are not going to feel excited, happy, positive, optimistic, in love, comfortable, or any of those feelings when you have all of this going on. Next, I want to talk about what is not going to work, right? Because your goal is to experience joy, right? Experience happiness. So let's talk about how you are not going to get there. Because I have been through this process myself with extreme anxiety in relationships, avoidance for 18 years and high, high anxiety. And I'm also on the other side where I'm in a happy, healthy, secure relationship now. So been through this myself. What won't work is the coping mechanisms and compulsions that typically come along with anxiety and ocd. So let me give you a few of these.

Forcing the feelings. Trying to force the feelings or constantly search for the feelings. Right? Hypervigilant of the feelings. Checking. Constantly checking your feelings or checking your partner's behavior. Ruminating. Right. Ruminating or analyzing. A tiny bit of analyzing is normal, but the analyzing that happens when we have anxiety or OCD is way beyond what's normal. We just don't realize it because we're not in other people's heads. Okay? But again, when you're ruminating, you're typically in a negative thought loop and you're going to get negative feelings at that time and you're going to get a bunch of stories of what ifs, worst case scenarios, none of which have happened and many of which are not likely to happen. And most of the time none of them happen, so they're not helpful. Let's see, neutralizing the thoughts, trying to push it away, or trying to get rid of the anxiety in some way. That is not going to be effective. Because typically your way of doing that is to run away from it or try to distract from it, which is not effective.

Fighting it, trying to argue with it, seeking reassurance, asking other people questions. Because what's going to happen is you might get reassurance sometimes through friends, family, your partner, Google, the Internet forums. You're going to get reassurance from some people and you're going to get other opinions as well. Even when you get reassurance, the anxiety or OCD is going to come back and challenge that. It's going to say, well, that person said it. But what about this? What about that? These compulsions or negative coping mechanisms that might be there with anxiety are highly ineffective, especially if we're doing them over and over again.

Trying to change our partners or blaming somebody else, Putting the blame of this on the fact that the other person is doing something wrong, instead of taking accountability for the fact that it's our fear and our anxiety and something that we need to work on for ourselves. Avoidance, huge one with anxiety and ocd. When we avoid the thing that we're afraid of, we just reinforce the fear because we're teaching ourselves that we can't handle it. And we're going to become more fearful of things the more that we do that. So the way to get comfortable with something is to move towards it and work through the anxiety. And eventually what was uncomfortable will become comfortable. I promise. I've been there.

Again, Googling social media. You know, sometimes you might find reassurance, sometimes you won't. But the reality is you're asking a complete stranger who you have no idea what their history is about something that you know. You're blindly throwing a question out there and hoping you're getting the right answer. That person doesn't know you, they don't know your partner, and they probably don't understand anxiety and OCD.

Comparing. We compare all the time. The problem with that is we're comparing apples to lasagna. Not even apples to oranges, but apples to lasagna. Right. You're comparing yourself with one person in one moment of time with this much information, when in reality there's a lot more information that goes in to that. And so that is highly ineffective really, at any time.

And then again, the ruminating, you're usually in the past, which is gone, or the future, which has not happened, or analyzing something right now which has already happened and you can't change. Right? So those are the things that are not going to work to get better. In fact, doing those things 99.9% of the time are actually going to make it worse. And if you have anxiety, you can probably relate to some of those. If you have ocd, you can probably relate to all of those multiple times. A day, a week, a month. Right? So with ocd, those are compulsions. And again, it's not like people without anxiety or ocd. It's actually multiple people for us that were going to be good for us where we could be happy. So that doesn't exist if we're chasing the fact that whether we love our partner or not, there's nowhere you can go and find that answer. There's not a box in your head. There's not a person that's a psychic that has the perfect answer for you. Right? These things don't exist. So chasing certainty and perfection don't do these things. But they do it once and then they make a decision, they move forward with life, right? So they might talk to a friend when they're uncertain and then they make a decision, they move forward. They don't talk to a friend and then talk to their parent and talk to their brother and then talk to somebody on the Internet and then ruminate for five hours one day, eight hours, the next day, 12 hours are fruitless because you will never find either. So with anxiety, the important thing is not avoiding, not running away from it, but actually facing it and doing it. And just like with ocd, the more you do that, the next day, right? That's the OCD cycle. So let's talk about what will work to help you regain those feelings of joy and love and connection with your partner. The more comfortable you're going to get. Right? It may not be perfect the first time or the second time or that, because that is all we really want. And to be honest with you, there's nothing wrong with that, right? There's nothing wrong with wanting these feelings back because that's the joys of being in a relationship. Right? But there are ways that, that you can react to these negative thoughts, because that's all we're talking about. We're talking about negative thoughts, whether it's anxiety or ocd, thoughts that cause anxiety or discomfort, sensitive sometimes other feelings, third time. But the more you do it. This is all brain stuff. These are all brain patterns. You're rewiring your brain to get comfortable with something that was once uncomfortable. What we have to do is shut down the anxiety, shut down that OCD voice, right? Depression, negative thoughts that cause sadness and hopelessness, right. In order to overcome these things, all we have to do is learn what to do with these thoughts that make it better. This part of the brain, the fear center of the brain that is overactive and giving you all these negative. And what we're doing that's actually making it worse.

What is going to make it better? Whether you have anxiety or ocd, there's something called exposure and response prevention.

When we're trying to run away, overanalyze, avoid, check, right? OCD and anxiety to pretty much want certainty and perfection, because that's where safety is at. If things are perfect, if things are certain, then we can feel safe. But the thoughts and hyper focusing, giving you the intrusive thoughts and false alarms has to be quieted down and it won't happen with compulsions. But what it will happen with is choosing essentially not to listen to it. Problem is we're chasing something that does not exist. There's nowhere you can go and get a blow, right? And there's many ways with, you know, when I work with people with ERP and when I have done it my solid test that says you are in love with your partner and you've picked the perfect partner for you, okay? There's actually multiple people for us that were going to be good for us where we could be happy. So that doesn't exist if we're chasing the fact that whether we love our partner or not, there's nowhere you can go and find that answer. There's not a box in your head, there's not a person that's a psychic that has the perfect answer for you, right? These things don't exist. So chasing certainty and perfection are fruitless because you will never find either. So with anxiety, the important thing is not avoiding, not running away from it, but actually facing it and doing it. And just like with ocd, the more you do that, the more comfortable you're going to get, right? It may not be perfect the first time or the second time or the thalf. There are many ways to do this, which is why it's important to find somebody who understands third time. But the more you do it, this is, this is all brain stuff. These are all brain patterns. You're rewatching anxiety and OCD and can help you work through this. Firing your brain to get comfortable with something that was once uncomfortable. So the way that we quiet that down is we stop listening to it, we stop buying into it and playing into it. These are all just thought patterns and behavior patterns. What we have to do is shut down the anxiety, shut down that OCD voice, right? This part of the brain, the fear center of the brain that is overactive and giving you all these negative thoughts and hyper focusing, giving you the intrusive thoughts and false alarms has to be quieted down. And it won't happen with compulsions, but what it will happen with is choosing essentially not to listen to it, right? And there's many ways with, you know, when I work with people with ERP and when I have done it myself, there are many ways to do this, which is why it's important to find somebody who understands that we do do. It's not your fault, it's not our fault, that we're just trying to do whatever we know how to do to reduce this anxiety and to have a healthy relationship and to get Better. We're doing the best we can. But the problem is we don't understand that what we're doing is anxiety and OCD and can help you work through this.

Working, and we don't know what to do. That does work, okay? So getting help with this. So the way that we quiet that down is we stop listening to it, we stop buying into it and playing into it. These are all just thought patterns and behavior patterns that we do. It's not your fault, it's not our fault, that we're just trying to do whatever we know how to do to reduce this anxiety and to have a healthy relationship and to get this is really, really important because essentially what happens with anxiety or OCD is the brain is sending us an alarm bell that something's wrong. We're buying into the fact that there's something wrong with these thoughts. We're giving these thoughts attention. And by ruminating it better, we're doing the best we can. But the problem is we don't understand that what we're doing is by avoiding. By talking about it, by thinking about it working, and we don't know what to do. That does work, okay? So getting help with this is really, really important because essentially what happens with anxiety or OCD is the brain is sending us an alarm bell that something's wrong. We're buying into the fact that there's something wrong with these thoughts. We're giving these thoughts attention. And by ruminating, by avoiding, by talking about it, by thinking about it, right? By checking all of the things that we do, we're giving it attention. We're buying into the fact that, yeah, there's something wrong here. And what happens is when we engage with the anxiety or ocd, right, by checking all of the things that we do, we're giving it attention. We're buying into the fact that, yeah, there's something wrong here. And what happens is when we engage with the anxiety or ocd, then it goes, awesome, this is working. She's engaging with me like a bully, right? A bully wants us to engage. It wants us to get upset. When we don't get upset, it goes to Peggy. Then it goes, awesome, this is working. She's engaging with me like a bully on somebody else. So we are engaging, and then it's giving us more thoughts. You know, it's saying, okay, this is working. I'm going to keep doing this because it wants you to engage with it. It wants to stay active. It wants you to get out of the relationship. It wants you to move on. And Be safe and single and never leave your house and sit on your couch all day, because that's where it thinks you're safe. And, yeah, you might be safer there, but you're going to lose a lot out of life if you do that. And the fact that also moving forward in relationships is not as bad as it seems. The stories are hugely exaggerated, and you can handle it, right? But by engaging with these thoughts, we teach ourselves that we can't handle it. But you can handle it. The only way to teach yourself that is to move forward and go through it and create that confidence. Now, ERP actually rewires your brain.

To quiet down the anxiety and ocd. Erp, again, is not some magic pill or solution that somebody came up with. It's exactly what people without anxiety or OCD are doing naturally. And believe it or not, you actually already know how to do this. You do it naturally in other areas of your life. It's just with relationships, there's a lot of fear under the surface, and so you can't tell the difference, Right? And it feels real because they're your thoughts. And OCD is trying to get your attention and you're giving it attention, so it's going to feel real because it bothers you. If it didn't bother you, then you wouldn't, you know, it wouldn't feel so real, and you just let it go. Okay? So erp, when someone else without anxiety or OCD has any sort of uncertainty or doubt in their life, they do one of two things. That's right. And it feels real because they're your thoughts. And OCD is trying to get your attention and you're giving it attention. So it's going to feel real because it bothers you. If it didn't bother you, then you wouldn't, you know, it wouldn't, you know, they may spend 15 minutes, 30 minutes kind of thinking about it, and they either make the decision to go in this direction or they make the decision to move forward and accept some level of imperfection and uncertainty and just see what happens. Right? And that's exactly what we're teaching you. What I am teaching you and anybody who specializes in ERP is teaching you feel so real and you just let it go. Okay? So erp, how to make a decision and move forward even though there's some uncertainty there, because this is part of life, right? They don't wallow in the negative thoughts. They don't wallow in the what if, you know, I don't want to say wall. It's A weird word. They don't dwell on the what ifs, right? They don't dwell on the negative stories that might happen. They don't dwell on their mistakes and what they did wrong, right? They just accept that mistakes are part of life and that things happen and they move forward. And most of the time our fears don't happen. And every once in a while something might happen, but then they deal with it, right? And in this, they're building confidence in their decisions and their ability to deal with things. But most of the time, these things don't even happen, right? So ERP is what everybody is doing. You already know how to do this. Essentially, you just need some help learning how to do it. But with the things that are more challenging and the fears that you have in life now, what happens is when you remove the fear and the anxiety, you have peace, you're calm. There's room for enjoying the boring moment. When someone else without anxiety or OCD has any sort of uncertainty or doubt in their life, they do one of two things. That's when you're sitting on the couch and not doing anything, you can actually enjoy that when there's no anxiety or fear there. When you're going out with your partner doing something fun, you know, they may spend 15 minutes, 30 minutes kind of thinking about it. And they either. When there's no anxiety, you get to experience more joy. When you're not focused on their negatives and flaws and the possible what ifs, they make the decision to go in this direction or they make the decision to move forward in it. You're actually able to feel positive feelings and love towards them or excitement about your future. What you want to be careful about is not letting OCD or anxiety. Remember, it often wants perfection. You don't want to let it create expectations that you feel in love all the time, right? Because that's not a realistic expectation. Positive feelings come and go. Most of your relationship is going to be sleeping, getting up in the morning, brushing your teeth, taking a shower, going to work, coming home, cooking dinner, watching tv, right? Most of your relationship, accept some level of imperfection and uncertainty and just see what happens, right? And that's exactly what we're teaching you. What I am teaching you and anybody who specializes in ERP is teaching you how to make a decision and move forward, even though there's some uncertainty there. Because this is part of life, right? They don't wallow in the negative thoughts. They don't wallow in the what if. You know, I don't want to Say wall. It's a weird word. They don't dwell on the what ifs, right? They don't dwell on the negative stories that might happen. They don't dwell on their mistakes and what they did wrong, right? They just accept that mistakes are part of life, that things happen and they move forward. And most of the time our fears don't happen. And every once in a while something might happen, but then they deal with it, right? And in this, they're building confidence in their decisions and their ability to deal with things. But most of the time, these things don't even happen, right? So ERP is what everybody is doing. You already know how to do this. Essentially, you just need some help learning how to do it with the things that are more challenging and the fears that you have in life. Now, what happens is when you remove the fear and the anxiety, you have peace, you're calm. There's room for enjoying the boring moments when you're sitting on the couch and not doing anything, you can actually enjoy that. When there's no anxiety or fear there, when you're going out with your partner or doing something fun, when there's no anxiety, you get to experience more joy. When you're not focused on their negatives and flaws and the possible what ifs, you're actually able to feel positive feelings and love towards them or excitement about your future. What you want to be careful about is not letting OCD or anxiety. Remember, it often wants perfection. You don't want to let it create expectations that you feel in love all the time, right? Because that's not a realistic expectation. Positive feelings come and go. Most of your relationship is going to be sleeping, getting up in the morning, brushing your teeth, taking a shower, going to work, coming home, cooking dinner, watching tv, right? Most of your relationship is pretty neutral, sometimes boring, but you want to go for content. Content is a positive thing. Okay? There are going to be a lot of times of fun, excitement, laughter, love, right? But a lot of your relationship is neutral, and that's okay. So don't chase these high highs that aren't realistic. At the same time, part of recovery is going from high anxiety.

To lower anxiety to like a neutral place where you don't feel anxiety, but you don't necessarily feel love. Once you get past that with OCD or anxiety, you get to the more positive feelings and you get to those ups and downs of positive, neutral, positive. We got in a fight, I don't like him today. Neutral, positive, right? That's what relationships are all about. Just know that this is very possible. I experienced high anxiety, avoidance, fear.

You know, not being able to eat and so many things around relationships for a very long time. But once I got the right help, which was erp, I was able to work through those anxieties and make what was once uncomfortable very comfortable and experience the happiness and the joys in my relationship. And I promise you, you can do this too. If you want assistance with this, I have a couple of different options and different financial levels. The PATH is a membership program for people with OCD that is very cost effective and very effective for people. And then I also do one on one coaching so you can always check out the description below for those options. Visit my page. Email me if you have any questions about this. It works. It's worked for me and it's worked with everybody that I work with. When people use erp, they feel better every single time and when they don't and they're practicing the coping mechanisms and compulsions that we talked about earlier, they're feeling worse. And I myself needed a lot of help and support with this. So do not try to do it on your own and don't feel bad about needing help and support because it's super, super common. So I hope this was helpful. I hope you guys have an awesome rest of your day and we'll talk to you soon. Sam.