How I Finally Overcame ROCD. My Journey to the Lifetime Recovery Stage

If you've ever felt that life altering hopelessness, that fear that you'll never be able to have a happy, healthy relationship because your doubts and fears seem to sabotage them all, then this video is for you. Hi, I'm Danielle Gianni, an anxiety and OCD recovery coach helping people recover with deeper, more long term results. I am living proof that you can go from having constant doubt, avoidance and anxiety in your relationships to feeling happy, confident and even getting married and having kids if that's what you want. It's not about just ignoring the thoughts and feelings or just pushing past your avoidance because that's not enough and new thoughts and fears will just take its place. I want everyone listening to learn how to tackle the deep seated beliefs and fears that are holding you back for good. A place where anxiety, ocd, doubt and uncertainty no longer have the ability to stop you from having a happy, healthy relationship. In this video, I'm not going to hold anything back. I'm sharing my full story, the ugly, the messy and the beautiful. And I'm going to show you how you can find this freedom too. I I have had several OCD themes in my life, but relationship OCD was my most debilitating subset of ocd. Like many, I had no idea I had OCD or even anxiety for a long time. But my unseen fear and my brain's need for certainty and perfection in relationships had me unconsciously pushing everyone away throughout my 20s and 30s. After a four year relationship ended in my teens and early 20s. Looking back even then, I can remember having some obsessive thinking patterns. But throughout the following years my brain would nitpick what wasn't right about everyone I dated. I often avoided serious relationships, always feeling that urge to run, especially when a good guy liked me. When I did date someone, the intrusive thoughts about small incompatibilities and flaws would start to creep in. I was often attracted to unavailable men, something that I think my brain thought subconsciously kept me safe and not really in a relationship. When I finally decided to commit to a relationship at 38, the symptoms of ROCD hit me really hard. Although I would have no idea it was R OCD for about six months, I was terrified to be around him. I avoided texting him back or investing in the relationship too much, but I really wanted to explore it deep down, which then affected me drastically. It was hard to eat, sleep or even function at work. The intrusive thoughts and doubt about my partner at the time were relentless. I questioned everything about him and the relationship I was afraid to make the wrong decision or that I'd be unhappy forever if I stayed. So what did I do? I did what everyone else with relationship OCD does. I unknowingly fed the cycle and made things even worse. I was constantly talking to my family and friends to get their opinion. I would compare my relationship to those I saw in person or online. I was ruminating and analyzing all day. If there was silence between my partner and I, I felt like we should be talking. So I'd bring up the fact that we don't talk enough. If he didn't align with exactly what I wanted, I would feel anxious and bring that up too. It was constant. I would even wake up every morning at 3am feeling panicked, letting all of the previous day's fears keep me up for the rest of the night. It consumed my days, my nights, and my life. I was exhausted, confused, and it felt like the only way out was to end the relationship so I can go back to feeling normal again. But my previous normal was not okay. I'd been avoiding serious relationships altogether for almost two decades, and I wanted a family of my own. I also knew from experience at this point that this would probably happen with anyone I dated. Because, looking back, anxiety, doubt and avoidance were part of every relationship I'd been in. I felt completely broken, hopeless, and terrified of staying with my partner. But I was also scared to leave because I was tired of being alone. So I joined a fairly popular program for relationship anxiety, since that's what I thought was happening at the time. It felt comforting and safe. But little did I know that it wasn't equipped to help me overcome what I was dealing with, which was ocd, which I wasn't even aware I had. During this program, I felt more understood and less alone. But the forum became very compulsive and the program did not help with compulsions at all. I continued to sink further down the rabbit hole of confusion and pain and probably many other things that I thought might help. They didn't. Six months into the relationship, I was miserable, lost, and I needed more help. When I found out about relationship OCD six months into my relationship, I was lucky enough to also learn the ERP was the gold standard treatment for ocd, no matter what the subset. So I started with a local ERP therapist, which I had to pay 200 per session. Pocket exposure was very scary at first, but I was desperate for relief. I did the exercises with her, and I did them on my own. The panic started to lift little by little. I still did a lot of compulsions. I Could feel that it was working when I did it and I was finally going in the right direction. My relationship started to improve and things were looking up. We even went on to get married. But as many of you know, OCD is considered chronic, so relapses are part of the recovery journey. And I had a big one in 2021. But don't let this discourage you, because what I've learned can stop the relapses for good. At least they have for me since then. It was a blessing in disguise because it led me to the method that I created that got me to and has now kept me the recovery stage since 2021. So why did I relapse and what did I learn? Well, ERP therapy was very helpful because it taught me exposure exercises that helped me to gradually accept the uncertainty and imperfection in my relationships and in my life that my brain was fighting to accept. But that's the large extent to what I learned in therapy. It wasn't until this relapse that I learned that overlearning, which was about attachment styles at the time, was a compulsion. And it was the first time anyone had told me that I needed to stop all of my compulsions completely. This was eye opening for me at the time, but that's where the response, prevention, education and support stopped. When I was in therapy, I had really good OCD therapists. I'm thankful to them to this day. But none of them helped me identify all my compulsions, nor did they help me reduce them in any way, at least as much as they could. I was actually already coaching people and teaching them recovery skills at the time because good OCD help is hard to find, especially outside the US And I wanted to help others get results. But this relapse completely shifted things for me and my clients in a way that got them quicker results and longer term relief. I spent the next several weeks looking at all all of my responses and those of my clients and started making a list of all common and uncommon compulsions. This led me to creating my Compulsions Tracker, a simple tracker used to identify all your compulsions and get clarity on how much you're doing each of them on a weekly basis with the goal of eventually stopping them completely. The specificity and clarity that this provided me and my clients has been a huge win. I started using this myself and with my clients, and I have yet to have one client that hasn't learned about compulsions they're doing that they were unaware of. Stopping your compulsions is the only way to stop the OCD cycle. So this is obviously a huge piece of the puzzle for many people. As you can imagine, a better strategy for getting 40 or more compulsions to zero could be a huge help. As my compulsions lowered little by little, I felt better and better. And I saw the same thing happen with all of my clients. When I got compulsions to zero, I didn't feel like I had OCD at all. It was amazing. But here's the other thing that no one taught me in therapy. What is the recovery stage and how do I stay there? I'd love to hear from you in the comments below. Has anyone taught you how how to know you're in the recovery stage and how to stay there long term? Here I was. OCD felt like it was gone and I was on top of the world. I'd overcome something really debilitating and my relationships were thriving. Because, let's be real, relationship OCD often affects more than just your romantic relationship, even if only a little. I also felt more confident in myself, my decisions and and my ability to handle life's challenges than I ever had in my entire life. This doesn't happen without some effort, but that effort is nothing like I had to put in at the beginning of my recovery journey. It's now quite simple, quick and automatic for me and my brain because I've made it simple. For example, a few weeks ago I realized my husband and I hadn't been intimate for longer than I'd like. Five years ago, that would have sent me into a spiral for days. Now I just notice it spent 10 seconds on the real method and went back to my work. The real method is what got me to and keeps me in the recovery stage for relationship OCD and other OCD subsets like physical health. Mental health is a set of skills and mindsets that keeps you in a positive, healthy frame of mind. My journey was long and messy because I had to figure a lot of this out on my own. I I don't want you to struggle alone or any longer than you need to. It's why I created the Path to Love, to give you the roadmap and daily support that I wish I'd had. If you're ready to do what it takes to change your response to discomfort, uncertainty and imperfection so you can stop the OCD cycle for good and get back to a happy, loving relationship or life, click the link in the description below. I promise you, no matter what excuses your brain might be coming up with right now, you can overcome relationship OCD and be happy in your relationship. Your situation is no different than anyone else's. You're not too far gone, and you can overcome any roadblocks your brain wants to put in your way. I look forward to seeing you join a group of people who are tackling relationship OCD and thriving in their lives and their relationships. We'll talk to you really soon.