Show this to your partner if you have ROCD!

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Welcome. My name is Danielle Thornton. I'm an anxiety and OCD recovery coach. And this video is for the partner or the loved ones of somebody who struggles with relationship ocd. And today, we're going to cover a little bit about what OCD is, where it comes from, and how you can support your partner or your loved one who is struggling relationship ocd. So first, let's talk about what OCD is. OCD stands for obsessive compulsive disorder, which a lot of you may know. And the sufferer of relationship ocd. Their obsessions are around relationships. And it's not because they're obsessed with relationships or because they're necessarily obsessed with you, but there is a point in their lives where some fear around relationships came up and their OCD was triggered, and it turns into this really pretty extreme fear, the obsessions and then compulsions around relationships, so it wouldn't matter what relationship that they're in. And people even struggle with relationship OCD outside of a relationship, too. So this is not your fault. As the partner of somebody with relationship ocd, there's nothing that you're doing that's making this worse. This person has relationship ocd. They would have it no matter what, and they would have it in any relationship. So it's really important to understand that this is not your fault. And please, please, please do not take this personally if your partner has kind of shared things with you that maybe make you uncomfortable or make you feel insecure. The thoughts that somebody with relationship OCD gets are just coming from a place of fear. Okay, so OCD is an anxiety disorder, but it is different than anxiety in that someone with anxiety might worry or get fear around a certain subject or subjects kind of maybe generalized anxiety. But with relationship ocd, it's very specific. And typically someone with OCD has grown up with a parent with either anxiety or OCD themselves. And from a scientific standpoint, we do not know whether this is genetic, whether the person was born with it, or whether it's more of kind of a learned behavior. Growing up with somebody with OCD or anxiety, generally, there's probably a little bit of both, a little bit of nature, a little bit of nurture, and that propensity towards anxiety. And then typically, life experiences, sometimes past relationships and traumatic events around past relationships or. Or even physiological, hormonal things can trigger ocd. And we don't really know whether someone with OCD wouldn't have necessarily been triggered based on that life experience, because it is what it is, but it is not their Fault that they have ocd, this is something that they have to work through on their own. And it's not your fault either. There's actually very little that you can do about this person's ocd. Most people's OCD gets triggered in childhood, maybe up to like 20 or early 20s is when it kind of starts to show up for most people. And it can be a really strong onset or it can be very subtle. It's a little bit different for everybody. But what happens with OCD is that the amygdala is the fear center of our brain, okay? And with ocd, or even anxiety, the amygdala is overactive. Our brain is determined that something is unsafe, and in this case, relationships. And what it will do is it will either easily trigger that person if there's an issue in the relationship, or if there's something wrong or even getting into a relationship. The brain is very easily triggered. And what the brain is feeling and thinking is that relationships are unsafe. So I must warn this person that this is unsafe. And so it gives them negative thoughts around relationships. And the most difficult part for a lot of people with relationship OCD is they can really want a relationship. They can be very much in love and happy in the relationship, but their brain is unnecessarily sending off warning signals or warning bells to them that something is wrong and something is off, okay? And they don't even have to agree. Sometimes people can realize, well, I don't really feel this way, but my brain is telling me that I need to avoid intimacy or I need to run away for some reason. And the great thing is with OCD that it is treatable, though, okay? So the person's getting a lot of negative thoughts. They don't know how to deal with it. And when you hear about the compulsions with ocd, that is, the coping mechanisms that your partner or your loved one has learned to use to deal with the anxiety. So let's say you're in a relationship with somebody with relationship OCD and you guys have an argument. And what can often happen is that can be a trigger for the person with relationship OCD that something is not quite right, something is off, and they might get a lot of negative thoughts that just because you've had an argument, something is really wrong, and that, you know, maybe the relationship is not going to last. And they might fear that loss or that disconnection. And so they'll get a lot of negative thoughts. And so what you may have noticed is your partner or your loved one seeking A lot of reassurance. That reassurance might be around your feelings for them, the stability of the relationship, compatibility in the relationship. It can take all different forms, but these are the common ones. And so that person seeks a lot of reassurance. And this may seem kind of normal at first, because reassurance seeking in general isn't bad. But someone with OCD is going to do this a lot. They're going to do it a lot more than normal. And the good thing is, well, it's not really good, but for them in the moment, it feels good because they get that reassurance and it calms their nervous system down. Okay. And so it feels like this is a good thing, right? I get anxiety, I seek reassurance, I get the answers I need, I feel better, all is good. But the problem is OCD doesn't go away. In fact, this type of compulsion actually just reinforced, reinforces the OCD cycle. And that's because OCD is giving them a warning, and it's telling them that something's wrong. And then when that person actually goes and does the compulsion, the example of reassurance seeking, it actually just reinforces the ocd. They're basically saying to the OCD part of their brain that, I hear you, that something's wrong. I'm going to do something about it. I've done it. And then OCD gets what it wants. But it's kind of like a drug, right? We get that drug. In the short term, it helps. But then OCD needs more of that to be reassured. Okay. Because you've just reinforced. The person has just reinforced the ocd. So next time something doesn't feel quite right or their anxiety gets triggered, they're going to need to do that thing again to feel better. Okay? So that's why the compulsions with OCD are actually a negative thing. They're not a positive thing. And when I'm working with clients with ocd, one of the first things that we do is we determine what are all of your compulsions? Because any behavior can become compulsive for somebody with ocd. So it's really important that they learn about what their compulsions are. And they're working with somebody like myself or a therapist who can help them reduce those compulsions. Some of the other compulsions that you might notice with somebody with OCD or relationship OCD is confessing. They might feel the need to confess their negative thoughts because they might feel like they need to be really honest with their partner. Or. Or they might also compare their relationship a lot to other relationships, or they might be in their head a lot. It's called ruminating. And sometimes they might not be present. Okay, so these are some of the compulsions that are very common with OCD and relationship OCD that their coach or their therapist is going to be working with them to reduce as much as possible as close to zero as possible so they can stop that OCD cycle and be more present in the relationship. Because really, what's going to make OCD better is to learn to sit with that anxiety, uncertainty, learn to see that it actually passes, learn to see that everything's actually okay in their environment. And they actually have to do this in order to prove to their brain that their brain does not need to continue to give them these warning bells that things are actually okay, there's no real threat, and that they can slow down this pattern of giving them what's called intrusive thoughts, which is just a thought that makes that person uncomfortable, anxious, confused, those types of emotions. So that's why erp, your exposure and response prevention is so effective for ocd, because the response prevention is not doing the compulsions and the exposure is taking them into the anxiety that they normally do all these things to run away from. So, as the partner of somebody with OCD or relationship ocd, one of the best things that you can do is actually not reassure your partner when they seek reassurance. And they may not like that. I'm saying this because they may be in a pattern of seeking reassurance, but again, all of these compulsions just reinforce the ocd, and then OCD is going to give you more intrusive thoughts. Okay? So we have to stop the cycle. And in order to stop the cycle, we have to practice response prevention and not doing the compulsions.

So if you find that your partner is seeking a lot of reassurance, you can definitely do this in a very loving and compassionate way and just let them know that, you know, this sounds like reassurance or this might be an OCD compulsion, and I don't want to make it worse. And then just remind them to go back to the tools or skills that they've learned from their coach or their therapist that they are working with to help them with the ocd. Now, the other thing that you can do with somebody if you have a partner, a loved one that has relationship OCD is just be really patient with them, because OCD is a very difficult thing to deal with. There's no cure for it. But if you're getting the right Help, which is exposure and response, prevention and acceptance work, and even some body work to calm the nervous system. If somebody gets the right treatment, they can actually manage this very, very well. OCD can remain kind of in the background and not much of a BO to the person or to the relationship. So being patient with your partner, if they are going through anxiety, if they're getting help with OCD while they go through that process of getting help and working with somebody one on one, which I highly suggest, it's going to be up and down, right? Like nothing is perfect. When we're learning new skills and learning new behaviors, it's very common to have ups and downs. But most of the clients that I work with experience gradual improvement. But sometimes there's, you know, there's triggers and there's things that happen where, you know, people struggle. So being really patient with the person who is going through this process and getting help is going to be really important. Being additionally, I just want to let you know that someone with OCD can't just stop thinking or feeling the way they do. Okay? So, you know, we all get negative thoughts, we all get fears, we all get worries. This is very, very normal. And for some people without ocd, it might be very easy to just turn that off and remind yourself that this is just fear and I'm not going to participate. But that's not possible with somebody with anxiety or ocd. So it's very important not to expect somebody with OCD to react or behave in a way of somebody that doesn't have ocd, because this is something that they're going to have to learn to manage and deal with. And they definitely can. They can learn how to react differently to differently to the thoughts. They can learn how to self soothe and calm their nervous system before they react from a place of fear. But it does take time and it does take practice, because a lot of people with OCD actually have had this or been struggling with this for a long time. And they have to learn to retrain their brain and retrain their body to react differently. So it definitely is a process.

And then lastly, I also want to encourage you to tell your partner how you feel and what your needs are too, because as the partner or loved one of somebody with ocd, it can be very difficult on you too. It can be difficult to see them struggle. It can be difficult to know what to do to help them, and it can take a strain on the relationship sometimes. So letting them know where your boundaries are and where your needs are is really important for your relationship. Because ultimately most people with relationship OCD are in very good relationships and very healthy relationships. They just have to learn new skills in order to tame the OCD and calm their nervous system and calm their anxiety so that they can then show up in the relationship in a positive, healthy way. And then the last thing that you can do to help them is really just encourage them to get help. There are a lot of people out there, there are ERP specialists out there, there's myself who teaches ERP acceptance and commitment work, as well as retraining the body to calm the nervous system. And so there's a lot of options out there for people to get help. So just really encourage them to do that. A lot of people try to do it on their own, which can be a big, big struggle. And having somebody that truly understands relationship ocd, someone who can walk them through the process and how to see where OCD can be really tricky and walk them through the hurdles and the road bumps and the skills and practices that it takes to really calm this disorder, to get back to a place of peace and health and happiness in the relationship. It is out there. I myself offer payment plans and options for people who maybe can't afford a $200 an hour therapist. There's a lot of options out there for people, so encouraging your partner to get help and giving them that support and time to do so will be really helpful for them. For more information on relationship ocd, other subsets of ocd, or how to get to the recovery stage of ocd, there is some information below with my site with courses, coaching options, articles that will help you learn more about ocd. Please visit that site for more information. Recovery is possible, I promise you. I've been there myself, and if I can do it, you can do it too.

Sam.