Tara's OCD Recovery Story

Tara, thank you for joining me today.

And joining this group. I just wanted to have you come on and talk a little bit about your journey and share with people kind of what you've been through and ask some of the questions that I think they may be wondering about.

So I'll just start with how long have you been suffering from relationship ocd?

I actually just recently got an official diagnosis because I'm fortunate enough, shortly after working with you actually came across.

What is that called? OCD and anxiety Specialty group. But I know for a fact I definitely have been experiencing it for the past five years. But looking back at my life in the lens of that, gosh, since I was young and I'm 33. Yeah, it's been affecting me for that long.

Yeah. Have you suffered from other types of anxiety?

Yes. Now. Yeah. Now looking at things like, again, through, you know, OCD or anxiety, it makes way more sense of things that I've been dealing with for a long time, like health anxiety.

Legit ocd, you know, in other ways. Different themes within ocd. Separation anxiety.

Social anxiety.

Yeah.

So anxiety is just my friend.

Yeah. Yeah.

But it's been going on since I got. I was a very small. A little girl.

Yeah. Yeah. I think a lot of times we don't realize that we've. Especially when we're young, obviously we don't, you know, know anything that we're going through, but, yeah, you know, most people suffer with a lot of different types of ocd, for sure.

Yeah.

Now, did you suffer from either relationship OCD or anxiety in all of your relationships?

Yeah, pretty much.

Yeah. What did it look like early on versus now?

It's gotten worse as I've gotten older.

What do you mean? What does that look like?

Yeah, I mean, what did it. What did your anxiety and early relationships look? How did that look differently than anxiety, maybe in your. In your current relationship?

God. Just nothing ever being good enough.

Thinking about them all the time, depending on them in a lot of ways. They were probably my biggest source of reassurance seeking. And I had beliefs, you know, my. Like, oh, well, this is what relationships are for. You know.

Things like that.

They were just my ultimate world, basically.

They either made me or broke me.

Just. I mean, it was. It was always drama.

Just a lot of anxiety in a lot of ways.

Yeah. Yeah.

If they acting perfectly the way I thought they should, it would cause extreme discomfort within me.

Not paranoia, but, like, just always worrying, you know, is it going right? Is it this? It was just. Yeah, it was always just a lot of worrying. About the relationship.

Yeah. Yeah.

Even if it was just fine and cool and chill. And I. Yeah, I can see that now. More now, clearly how that was extremely problematic behavior on my behalf.

Yeah.

But, yeah, very insecure. A lot of the anxiety kept me just staying and feeling like that. And I would project that a lot onto a boyfriend or just someone I was talking to.

Yeah.

Like, feel better.

Yeah, exactly. So you mentioned reassurance seeking.

What are some of the ways that you have found that you seek reassurance in relationships?

God, I still do that till this day. Not as much, but. I mean, it's so funny. The world of reassuring reassurance seeking, that is a big, deep world. And the layers go. I mean, there's so much to it. And once you think you learn one thing, wow, there's even more to learn. So it's kind of like bittersweet, like, womp, womp, womp. But at the same time, like, yay, I see things a little more clearer. Oh, I can stop what I'm doing when I'm doing it.

What was the original question? I'm off in a rambling today.

That's okay. So reassurance seeking. What are some of the ways that that has shown up for you?

Oh, gosh.

I know we were talking earlier about just, you know, wanting to talk to our partners or about things too much or even wanting to talk to other people.

If there's any type of drama. There's something in me. I noticed, and I was. I. I'm gonna just say it, you know, where. If there's any type of drama, it's like, oh, man. But then I've now noticed lately that there's a part of me that actually gets excited for it because it's like, ooh, I'm gonna get attention. And it's almost like I'm getting high.

Mm.

Of, you know, wanting to talk about it with my friends. It feels so good just to keep going in and going in about the details, and I can talk about it and talk about it and talk about it, and, ooh, here's another friend. They're asking me how I'm doing. Well, let's tell them.

Same thing with my partner. You know, wanting to just keep, well, harping on things, but also noticing I'm noticing it more and more as time goes on, that it's just not good enough. That I'm. That I'm. The responses aren't good enough. The scratches aren't. You know, they're not getting it enough. And it's like, damn, it's Kind of like I'm not. It's because I'm not getting that certainty, that absolute promise that things will be better, stay like that all the time. They have to stay perfect.

Yeah.

And I. And I have to stay safe. I have to stay. Okay. So that's. That's pretty interesting.

Yeah. And I think the drama piece that you mentioned, I always had a. I always found when I was dating before.

And I just started dating again, so we'll see how this works out. But we. I found that, like, I found guys boring a lot. Like, if there wasn't. If there wasn't.

Yeah. That drama or lots of passion or something going on. For me, it was a little bit partying for me was. Was the thing that, like, I think I connected to.

Which falls into that drama category. The person was boring. And I think. I think that's because when there is quiet and there. We're not. We're not used to. When you have anxiety.

You'Re not used to the quiet. You're not used to sitting in, just being okay. You're. You're hyper, all. You know, hyper. Your mind's going or something's going. And so when you finally slow down and are able to be kind of in the moment.

The problem is with anxiety is you're running from your feelings. You're running from the things that you're afraid of, which is typically just the feelings. And so you don't want to quiet down. You don't want to slow down, because that space is where you're actually able to reconnect with yourself and feel what's going on. And when we've been avoiding that for so long, it doesn't feel good.

Yeah.

So I think it's the same thing in a relationship where.

When things quiet down and things are okay, that's when the questions start to pop up.

Red flags.

Yeah. Your mind can start going and.

Yeah.

And a lot of times we've never learned how to just appreciate what is or appreciate that space.

Yeah.

So then the mind starts going, and so that drama starts to feel.

And sometimes it's an engagement thing, too.

I think.

You know, with that quiet, sometimes people feel like they're disengaged from their partner or that there's nothing on or they're unattached and they want that attachment. They don't like that feeling.

Yeah.

And I think that's where.

You know, really, really. Number one, that's why people struggle with relationship anxiety or rocd to refocus on themselves because they're not used to doing that.

Yeah. That's funny that you.

But it's why it's so important, because.

Until we do all those things that we're not used to doing, it's gonna kind of cause the same stuff to happen.

That's proof. A lot of what you just said is that hits home pretty hard, I'd say, with this. My fellow that I've been with now for five years.

He'S probably someone that I would, like, classify as one of the most boringest people I've ever dated and that. And it's funny that you say that, but because in the beginning I was like, this is a red flag. Oh, my God, he's not talking. Something's wrong. What the heck? Dah, dah, dah, dah. And I start creating something, then I'd want to talk to my friends about it, and I make it into a big thing. And when then once there was like, drama, it was like, yay. There's feelings and emotions going on. Oh, you know what I mean? And another thing that you just said, and I probably would never have looked at it that way. I'm always the passion looking for that passion. That passion being able, in my opinion, to just get high and stay high a lot. Because when those emotions aren't and it's still in quiet, it's like you said, something's wrong. Like, what the hell is going on?

Like, yeah.

And then what happens is I start creating something, and then I put it onto my partner, and then I want him to make it better. I want him to make me feel better. And I. And I. And I. And I have to say, I am fortunate that I've had this guy, you know, stick around because my. The oath. My oath. My ROCD symptoms have heavily intensified, probably more than ever, for a lot of understandable reasons.

Right.

But the fact that we both have continued to work on it and stay together and to be with someone who's been understanding, because this stuff is. Can be very challenging, very hard to work with. Good God.

I mean, us.

For ourselves to work on it ourselves, let alone doing it while being with someone, it's kind of like even more of a double whammy. So I think having support and all that kind of stuff is super. Help is very vital, actually. It is.

I definitely think that it's.

I don't think that you can. I don't know. I don't know if I want to say that. I don't know how much healing you're going to do. A different kind of healing outside of a relationship than you are in a relationship with this stuff. And it's usually better to do it while you're in one.

Because then you're facing the biggest stuff that's coming at you. And when you're not in one, you're going to face different things.

But when you're in it and suffering, you know, that's when you're going to learn the most, is when the hardest stuff is right there.

Yeah, I agree with that one a lot.

Yeah.

And then there was even times, too, and I didn't. I had learned it through you, was the wanting to break up thing being a compulsion and being a big thing. Like, oh, well, if I break up, my anxiety is going to go away. Yay. And with this fellow, I've done that. God, I've never tried to break up with someone so many times in my life. But. But then when. But then when things are calm and I'm able to look at it, it's an immediate. So clear to. To answer. It's like, well, I just wanted to feel better. I want my anxiety to go away.

Because of just how my brain can try to trick me. Yeah. And creates things that feel so real at times.

But, yeah, absolutely. Well, so when was the point when you did start to get better? I mean, what, what was.

What was the realization? What were the actions you took? What was the turning point for you?

I'd say probably it's such a. I'll try to shorten the story.

I just knew that I don't want to say that something was wrong, but I knew what I was experiencing wasn't right or that I was experiencing something and my symptoms had gotten very severe. Within the past year and a half, more than ever. Ever. There was a few times I thought maybe I'd have to end up in a mental institution because the chaos up here was so intense. I didn't know what to make of it. And then I finally given, you know, Western culture, conventional medicine, a try the mental health field. That was a very interesting experience in the past year and a half. At first, I was they. She had diagnosed me with bipolar because of the symptoms that I was trying to articulate to her. But even still, while working with her, I knew that I was very clear that, yes, I'm coming to these people to hopefully get help. But then also, I'm also interviewing you because not everyone is going to have all the answers. X, Y and Z. I've always been a very big advocate of that with just medical professionals in general. Yeah. So.

So.

But then, as Time went on and I would hear her opinion and her take. Sometimes I would agree with her on certain things, but other times I still kept like, no, she's still not understanding what it is. I'm explaining.

Yeah.

And there was still always these symptoms that I was explaining like, no, it's my thoughts, they just won't stop. And she was like, well, with bipolar it can be. It's like, you know what I mean? So. So I was extremely proud of myself and I, well, I could actually still hear my intuition, which was nice because sometimes that can get cloudy with all this anxiety stuff. I tried another professional immediate. Shortly after that it was like, this isn't going to work. I don't. This isn't a good match. Tried again and I tried again because I still something was like, they're not understanding. But the ROCD thing I had came across by myself in the beginning of the my mental health field research thing was I had came across something, love and something, something and an ROCD actually popped up. And when I tried to mention this to these professionals, they were like, I don't know what that is, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, okay, maybe it's, I don't know. But then ironically I took it upon myself this past summer to something about it, my symptoms. I was like, no, my symptoms match this thing. And I was like, you know what? Frick what the professionals say, I'm going to research more, started looking more into it. Became a part of the group that you're actually in. There's only two that I found that I think are helpful. And that was finally when it was like, wow, I'm hearing people literally talk about the same types of stuff that I'm talking about. And it felt such a relief. Like finally I think I now am understanding what I've been experiencing for a really long time.

Yeah.

So that probably just even within that group and being open minded and feeling more confident like yes, this is way more relatable than all these other supposed diagnosis or, or conditions or whatever we want to call them.

Yeah.

And it probably started from there and then experimenting and then me feeling out like, you know what, when someone would post something like wow, I like a lot what that person's saying. I think they're onto something or it sounds healthy. And I slowly started to be a little open minded and it felt very uncomfortable. But I'll be damned. I started to feel better in different ways without reassurance seeking. And I was then each time able to see things a little more clearly. A different New perspective that I literally never was able to see before.

Yeah.

And then I came across you, and it was like. And money has been super tight for all kinds of reasons and this and that. But. But I'm. I was like, no, I'm. You know what? I'm going to take a risk. I like what she's saying. It feels good. And I'm just, fuck it, I'm going to try it. I need help.

Yeah.

And that was probably a bigger thing too, was admitting I need help. Yeah. I don't know what's going on. My family, some of them suffer from the same things I do, but they. They help themselves through alcohol or drugs or avoidance. Big time avoiders.

And I. And I don't do those things, so I feel more of my things than they do. But. So I'd probably say that the Facebook group and you and. Yeah. Yeah. Probably the biggest things that have been. I probably have been able to see the more bigger shifts, healthier shifts and this. And it has not been easy. Yeah. But it. But it works, though.

Yeah. Yeah.

And even though I know sometimes it's easier than other days and sometimes it's more harder, I know that the work that I have to do, I Now I keep feeling. I keep getting more convinced and more convinced that it's worth it. And there's a part of me that I want to keep doing it, and I know I can keep getting better and healing and healthier. So that excites me.

Yeah, absolutely. And I've seen you grow so much, and.

Just in the few months that we work together, it's been really awesome to see that. The hard part is we've talked a little bit about the layers of the onion. Right. Like, you unpeel one layer and then you find another and then another. And we all just want to get. Feel better and be exactly where we want to be.

But there's always other layers of the onion that we have to peel back and learn from. That's just life and part of being a human being, whether we suffer from relationship ocd or not.

But do you take. Do you. Are you able to take the time and look back and see, you know, even if you're at another layer where. How you've grown.

Yeah. Yeah. Some days it's easier to see it and then. But the days when I am feeling better, of course, everyone sees things in a different light, a clearer light.

It just gives me goosebumps. I don't even have to say I'm grateful for. I'm. This. I can literally Just let my mind travel just for, God, a couple seconds or even a minute or two of how freaking far I've come. I honestly, there was days before in my life, times in my life where I never thought I would get better and that my life was just going to stay like that. And I can't believe how far I've come. And I'm just now scratching the surface, which is wild to say how much I have grown.

Yeah.

And it, I mean. And I can only imagine what more in store there is for me and so many levels.

Absolutely. It's so true. And it's hard when you're. When we're in those moments.

Because I feel the same way. Even though I've done a ton of work and come so far. There's always things that we have to work on and realizations.

But it's so important to keep the perspective of how far we've come. And.

Regardless of whether we suffer from anxiety or OCD or none of those things, we all have. Have things to work on and grow through and to face. So we're really no different than anybody else.

Yeah.

On the planet. So I.

That one, that one's a challenging one. Just because of my core beliefs that I learning that I have. But that is probably one of the best mantras that I have in those times when things are bumpy for me is, you know, that I'm human just like everybody else. Because when that fear brain gets going, that puppy can pump out some crazy stuff. And it's just fascinating how real it can seem at times.

Yeah.

But those friendly reminders for ourselves and that healthy self reassurance, I mean, it's a big thing and it's a practice too. I always notice sometimes it's like, up, I'm there, I've arrived, that's it. And then bump happen. It's like, no.

It'S still learning that learning curve of like, wow. You know, I think this is just a part of life.

Yeah.

Just it's going to fluctuate of the ups and the downs. Dang it.

Yeah. Exactly. So what are the three things that you would suggest that for people who are watching, what are the three things that you would suggest that they do to heal from either anxiety or relationship anxiety or relationship ocd or even anxiety in general? Because it is really all the same.

Yeah. It's funny. I kind of am coming to that conclusion myself. More like, wow, this is all pretty much the same stuff.

I'd probably say one of the biggest things, educating yourself from healthy sources.

And if you don't know what healthy sources there are because there's so much different information out there.

Get a feel for certain people in Facebook groups. Because from one thing that I have definitely learned is that OCD is very misunderstood by a lot of people and even a heck of a lot of medical professionals.

I don't want to say I learned that the hard way. I'm even fortunate enough to say that I even was able to learn in that path of being able to finally come across someone. People who know what the hell they're talking about are actually properly trained in the complexity of the condition, the anxiety conditions.

You know, if you don't know good sources to go off of, ask. There's so many awesome people that we have. Just an easy one is the OCD groups or the ROCD groups. That's probably one of the more easier ones is asking for some suggestions. There's amazing people in these and these unique communities that's been created on the Facebook groups. You know, a lot of people want to help each other because we all can relate how challenging our paths have been. And then when we finally did find what was going on and how to help ourselves, it's like, oh, yay, God, how can I be of service to other people? So educating yourself and as healthy possible sources as possible. But not even to. And I will say this and not try to catch yourself of not doing it obsessively and perfectly and all day long, because I'll be damned. Have I fallen into that trance many times I still fall into it. That's a part of the condition is. But you know, we all slip. We're all going to step, but it's just noticing it. And then when we noticing it, we make that choice of like, oh, let me calm. Let me. Let me tone it down a little. I'll just research a little bit for a certain amount of time. For today, I'll only read 20 minutes today or 10 minutes vice versa. So the education piece finding and then that's one and then two is finding some source of a healthy community to be able to get mentorship from having that sense of community. But again, still.

As best as you can with what balance and healthy looks like to you.

You know, in that kind of way. Because again, we can go. I can go balls to the wall with like, you know, it's. It tricks you like, well, I'm getting healthy advice and this and this, but yet we're doing it, you know, super excessively. Again, being mindful of not falling into that trap.

Yeah, exactly.

And thirdly, what helped me, what gave me probably a bigger catapult, was being able to work with someone one on one.

Yeah.

So, I mean, just. Even with the group that you're doing.

Mm.

I mean, that's been so freaking helpful. I mean, I worked with you one on one, for crying out loud, for quite a while, and still. There's still so much to be amazing things to learn about this stuff.

Yeah.

That. Because even when you're working with someone one on one, it's not gonna. I'm gonna learn every single thing all in one thing. But it is a gigantic boost of what I am struggling with the most and then keeping the education piece ongoing.

Yeah.

So that kind of stuff is. I mean, that kind of stuff is very valuable to me. Yeah. So for me, it was like, I. You already know my financial situation, and I don't even need to get into it, but it was worth. It was worth it, because this stuff affects my daily. It was affecting my daily life in a big way. Sometimes debilitating at times, which is weird to say that OCD or anxiety can even do that to someone.

Yeah. So how was. How was it working with, you know, myself as a life coach different than working with, you know, therapists or some of the other people that you worked with? A lot of people are not, you know, sure about the difference and what that looks like.

Yeah. It's funny because, I mean, again, I'm now fortunate to be working with, like, an OCD specialist, but I'm still feeling her out. But what makes it different from you still is you yourself literally know what it is that I'm talking about because you've experienced it, or it's still experience it in different degrees. Yeah. So that within itself, being able to actually work with someone who has healed in such.

In big ways.

Yeah.

But who's been able to. Who can literally relate to the symptomology. I mean, that's gigantic. That's huge for me. It was. It still is. And the fact that me and you were able to still chat in between, but. But you still setting the boundaries and letting it know that you'll call me out if things were reassurance seeking and this. But still encouraging me, but then teaching me what that looks like and modeling that for me up close and personal, I mean, that's monumental. I mean, it's just. It's a big. It's very helpful. I mean, it's very. Because how many of us have had that modeled for us? I don't know. Many people who are fortunate Enough to have that from parents for an example, or a big sister or you know what I mean? So to be able to have come across that and then took the risk, gave it a chance, but then saw how much beauty, powerful things that came with it, that I'm going to keep for the rest of my entire life.

Yeah, exactly. And I think that's one thing that, you know, the groups offer is other people being able to relate and experience. And.

I think the hardest part, being in some of these groups myself is seeing I feel like the relationship OCD groups are a little bit better. So I'm in a couple anxiety groups too, that are just kind of ascending pool of, I agree, suffering and no direction and no guidance. And I think when you get stuck in those kinds of groups, it actually does you more harm than good.

I agree.

And so, you know, as I'm, you know, as I've become a life coach and doing this work and, and starting these groups, you know, my goal is to make sure that I want people in these groups who are ready to heal, ready to do the work.

You know, again, there is never anything wrong with posting about struggles and what you're going through and.

But there's a fine line between.

And it really does boil down to reassurance seeking. Right. Seeking.

Things outside yourself versus kind of taking that accountability. And again, we all need help and we all need reassurance sometimes.

But there is a, is a balance in that. So. So I agree. Hopefully, hopefully the group continues to help people out.

Yeah. And I think you're doing a great job. Again.

It'S all a process and I think reminding ourselves that we are learning for the rest of our lives. There's no one point that we're going to get to where we're all of a sudden perfectly happy and you know, we'll be in, we'll experience different things in our lives that are going to challenge us. But again, those are the downs that make the ups a lot more. A lot more valuable. So, yeah, you're doing awesome and you have a lot of the tools and, and so before we go, is there anything else that you would want to say to people who are suffering?

You know, just if you could say any to anything to them as they're watching.

Recovery is possible.

Yeah, recovery is possible. Which is nice to be able for me, myself to even say and believe it and know what it is, but you know what I mean, I believe what I'm saying. Like, wow, it really is possible.

Yeah.

And also too, you know, even the road of recovery or just life in general. Again, there's the ups and the downs, you know, and just to keep hope and don't stop, don't give up on yourself, because literally no one else is going to do it for you and no one else can. I don't want to say save you, and I don't want. You want to say that we need saving, but no one can do that real work but ourselves. And that can sound really bittersweet to certain people.

But at the same time, it is a very empowering, real thing that is possible. And that's probably been a life changer for me because again, I wasn't taught that at all. I'm just now learning that at the age of 33. But at the same time, that can be an embarrassing thing to say or an amazing thing to be able to say, because I'll be damned. Finally doing it and learning how to do it, that I've been given that opportunity and that chance.

Some people don't, or some people are unfortunately going to suffer for another 20 years, 10 years, or for the rest of their life. But if you're a part of the group and you're even aware that of the condition that you're dealing with, you have a huge upper hand at now finally being able to get better, get stronger, heal, you know, so that's. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's nice to be able to say, and I hope that it does help people that are listening, because I know from firsthand experience, just like you do, that this kind of suffering can get really real for people at times. But you guys aren't alone.

Yeah, absolutely. Well, thank you so much. I really appreciate it. We'll have to come back and talk with you again in another six months or so and see how much better you're doing even then.

I'm totally open to that, and I'm really excited to see. Wow, where the heck I'm going to be on a personal level in six months.

Yeah, I'm excited for it. Like, oh, my God. Because I know for a fact that I'm going to keep getting better.

There you go. I love that. All right, sounds good. Bye, everybody.

Bye, guys.