Ep. 10 Anger as a growth tool

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Anger is just as strong emotion as love and both of them can be used for good or bad or for right or wrong or to grow or to defeat.

Hello friends. You are listening to the All Things Good for your podcast. I am your host, Brian Bowen, founder of Integrative Health, Inc. And I'm Amy.

Christensen, your co host and creator of Amy Christensen Health and Wellness Coaching.

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And remember, stay open minded and integrated. Good morning, Amy alters the sing song.

Good morning Brian. How are you?

I am doing good. I've had, I'm going to be honest with you and the listeners. I've had a very had a pretty frustrating week this past week and got my butt kicked a little stress, but it was good. It kind of got me to drive and ignite some action and get into my creative self and problem solving self. And so I turned some situations that felt very uncomfortable into some very positive situations. But I was fighting my head cold that I got from my wife and I think just a week of kind of exhaustion and long work days and stuff like that got the best of me. So feeling good on the other side of it, but definitely I'm glad to be here and to actually talk about this and voice my frustration.

Right. Well, I'm glad that you're one, are able to share your feelings and two that you take the opportunity. We always need like safe spaces to bounce stuff off of each other. Man, it's hard. Like you and I are pretty darn positive people. I think you are probably one of the most flowing like you kind of if you hit something frustrating, I think from my perspective you roll out of it pretty quickly. I don't know that I am that good at it, but I definitely find myself emotionally. Obviously it builds up, right? It depends on all the other stuff that's happening in your life. Like you said, you've got a lot of stuff this week that have been compounding situation. And so it's easy to let those little things kind of go. And you're so busy with life that you just kind of push them down and push them down and don't think it and address them. And then something that is whether it is truly frustrating or it is really an anger issue, like something just offends you or upsets you or hurts you, then you kind of crack. Right. So thanks for just being real and sharing that you had a frustrating week.

Yes, I really just put myself in a vulnerable situation. But it's okay. I'm just kidding. And I don't mind being vulnerable.

Yes, I'm going to laugh because you blamed your wife for your head cold. You are responsible for your own immune system, Brian.

Okay, so here's the deal. She did have it first. She totally had it first. I was fighting the good fight, winning, winning, winning. And then just like had a lot of situations came up that pushed me, felt my stress, got my sympathetic system going, got a little frustration going. And then I had just to put in the OT and like step back, process, reorg, rethink, restrategize, implement new strategy. Kicked its butt. And I'm gonna kick this cold's butt. But I don't know, does my voice sound good like this? Cause I kind of like the way it sounds a little bit.

I know it's always nice. I'm gonna give away my. I used to call it my Demi Moore voice. She always had that like deep, raspy voice. Oh, yeah, it would catch colds and stuff. Like I've got my Demi Moore voice on.

I don't know why I was out of Laura Branikin. Is that the right name?

I don't know. I don't know who that is.

Oh, somebody, some listener out there is going to know Lauren Branick for sure. But I like Demi Moore's toys too.

But no, you sound great.

Hopefully you don't hear any weird gurgly noises coming from me on the air.

So if Brian is a nose nose.

Just let me know if you need me to bail. Can you just send me an alert, like some sort of get off the air sign?

I'll just hit mute real quick.

I wonder how many people are doing that right now.

So. Oh, hey, we're doing a podcast. Let's talk to the people. So our topic today is since we have our podcast, All Things Good for your. And it's usually light and happy and Whatever. But today we're going to talk about kind of something that may be considered negative, that certainly can be negative and even destructive. But we're going to end up talking about how it's a good thing in the long run. And that is our very strong emotion that seems to be very prevalent today, anger.

And it does have some cousins, like frustration and irritability. So when we say anger, just so you know, kind of throw those in there because I feel like they all kind of, you know, those are all the little signals of discovery. Because anger is defined as an unpleasant reaction, either emotional or behavioral, to demand belief or expectation. Typically, it consists of the three parts or components. Thinking of negative thoughts or feeling disappointment, frustration, contempt, and then acting out. But as you said, it's an emotion we all have, and it always has a negative thing. That's when you were talking about how I'm the most positive person. It's like, oh, I have these things pop up and there is a time where you almost feel a little guilty, like, oh, wait, I'm so positive and optimistic. But I can't believe I let myself get angered. It's like, no, what is it?

Right? Exactly. What is it? And I'm just going to say that was a wonderful definition of anger. And for me, when I think of anger, I think hulk smash. That's my definition of anchor.

I know what I'm going to get you for Christmas. I'm going to get you the break rooms, or what are they called? The wreck it rooms.

Aren't those the best? Yes.

I have not done it.

I haven't had need for it, honestly. Because, like, what we're going to talk about, I think you and I become very good at mastering these things. But there are certainly times, and anybody who knows me knows that when I flip to the anger, like, it's not always pretty. There may be a lot of foul words that come out of my mouth. And I'm a very passionate person on either side of the emotion train. When I get angry, it is very clear. But it does take me some time to get there. And there have been a few times in my life previously where an anger room, a rage room would have been very helpful. So if you don't know what a rage room is, there are things popping up all over the country. And it's basically a room where you go and you put on all this protective gear and you can just go in and beat the tar out of things, smash stuff, break things, throw things.

Yeah. You know, the crazy thing is I think you have to be 18 to do it. But I felt like the teenage years were like, you know, put a teenager in there and see. So that's judgmental. So we're not going to go there. So, Eric, there's a quote. Can I just shout out a couple of quotes real quick?

I love your quotes. Yes, that.

So anybody can become angry, that is easy. But to be angry with the right person into the right degree and the right time and for the right purpose and in the right way, that is not within everybody's power and is not easy. Aristotle, another great one.

Aristotle. I mean, how long have we been dealing with this?

Well, you know what's crazy is when I was looking up quotes, he has a lot of them. So I think he was really passionate about anger. Here's another great one I like. And I like this because it kind of neutralizes the tone of anger as seen as these violent acts only. And not just a human emotion that everybody has. But anger is just anger. It isn't good, it isn't bad. It just is. What you do with it is what matters. It's like anything else. You can use it to build or to destroy. You just have to make the choice. Jim Butcher.

Love it.

So I like that, too. Like, okay, it's just anger. Don't judge yourself or feeling it. It's normal. You have this, like, just have that conversation with yourself. What is this? What is. And I don't know for everybody out there, but that's a hard thing I had to break through, is when an emotion came up to just stop and be like, have that conversation instead of just acting through it. Just like, wait a second, hit the pause button. What is this feeling? What is this about? Is this a boundary thing? Is this. Is this is it? Am I assuming we can dive into that in a little bit, but then you can take the action steps and then fall in line with Mr. Butcher here.

Yeah. And the key thing that he says that I appreciate is it's what you do with it. And I think I read a quote somewhere. I don't necessarily agree with this, but because I think love is a very strong emotion. But we have a lot of misconceptions about love. So he said the same thing, kind of like anger is just as a strong emotion as love. And both of them can be used for good or bad or, you know, for right or wrong or to grow or to defeat. And so we just have to take the understanding that, okay, anger, it's an emotion, right? It's something that is a signal in your body and your thought. And I believe that it's something that is a trigger in your body that's letting you know that we're being told or forced to accept or allow something that we know in our deep core being is not true, not honest and not real. And that is making a conflict of right or wrong deep inside of us. Now that can be something as far as, hey, this person is attacking me or this thing is attacking me, but animal or this situation is physically threatening me, or it can be a little more on the psychological side or triggers of situations that say I don't like this or I don't want this or this is bringing up an emotional response in my body. That is something I've felt before and I didn't like it. And I may be going down that path again because this usually means this. And then you get this like tightness in your stomach. You get the anger, the tightness in your chest, the head rushing, right? And it's just your body saying there is something out of alignment with what we truly want here. And so we have to be aware enough to just stop and say, all right, I'm feeling this feeling in my body or I'm did you know your.

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Recognizing this thought process in my head and I know I'm getting angry about something and you have to be able to just be self aware enough to know one that you're having that.

Yeah, well you said that out of alignment and I just think about things always as the everything has to have a balance. And you know going back to a previous podcast that we did over the nervous system, you know we talk about that sympathetic parasympathetic tone, right? And so that for those of you who haven't heard that just to keep it simple the sympathetic is fight, flight, or freeze. Parasympathetic is more flow state, you know, relaxed state. And so go back and listen to that for sure. But Sigmund Freud wrote, unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways. So it could start out as just like a little stress around a situation that again, challenged your beliefs or went over your boundaries. Or maybe you're assuming you don't know and you don't express those. And then eventually that word that we've talked about when we were talking about movement and lack of it, well, there's a compounding effect. And that compounding effect of unexpressed emotions eventually erodes and becomes this bigger thing. So then anger can be used as a. Unfortunately, a fuel that does not serve you as well.

Right? We have to recognize that one. Like I said, why you're angry. And I've always used the five whys. Whatever it might be, like something you want or something you're feeling or a reaction you're having is to ask yourself why and take it another layer down five times. And it usually takes about five whys for us to really get to the harder things that we don't always want to look at. Because, let's admit it, I mean, going into the vulnerable situation where you might have to reveal something that's hard or scary or really uncertain. So one of the definitions of anger is that it's like this feeling of lack of control. So you had mentioned, Brian earlier, that some situation you were dealing with this week, the way you were explaining it, it just sounded like you were. It was just that you were kind of not sure where it was going to go, and you had to kind of sit back and think through and get creative with some outcomes. And I think when we get good at recognizing, okay, I've maybe been through this situation or something similar before, and I can manage it, it's a little less triggering to be angry. Like, we might be upset, we might be frustrated, but we might be able to be better able to control our anger when we go, okay, I've been through something like this. I can manage it. The universe is working in my favor, or God's got my back, or whatever it might be for your techniques to recognize. I've been in this situation and I can manage it. It's the feeling of being out of control and uncertainty that often triggers that anger response as well. Because you kind of enter into that fight, flight, or freeze process, right?

Yes. Fight, flight, or freeze. And so I Always think about when I feel that emotion coming up, where it happens. And we can talk about tools and tips a lot more later. But I always have to step back from it, for sure. And then I immediately switch my brain into. There's an opportunity here. Like first of all, I recognize there's an imbalance or something's out of alignment or not congruent to with who I am or believe or whatever. So then I recognize that and I'm like, okay, something's out of whack. It's an opportunity for me to readjust. It's an opportunity for me to step back, look at the other person's perspective. If it's a person, look at my perspective. If it's something I'm pissed off at myself about. Because sometimes there's not another person involved, right? Sometimes it's something that you did that you weren't happy with, that wasn't successful or that you dropped the ball on or whatever. And it's like, okay, I'm going to step back from this, here's why I'm upset. I let myself down, I let somebody down or whatever. And it's an opportunity, it's for growth. So it became a spark, it became something that you can use to ignite that deeper power within. But you have to utilize that and step back and utilize it and come up with some creative ways and let it energize you to want to push forward. So look at the base where you're at now. How can I turn this into a beautiful thing? How can I turn this into something that serves people around me well? How can I turn it into something that serves me well? And then you feel like you just kicked butt and then you get to give yourself a big pat on the back and that feels freaking fantastic.

A little dopamine hit when you do those things. I love that. Yeah, you have to be able to. Now obviously we're talking about day to day interactions or little things within our day that are controllable to take it to a serious note for a moment. Obviously there are moments, there are people situations where anger has reached the point of rage and abuse. And if you're in that situation, that is not okay. It's simply not okay. And if anybody's out there listening, that is dealing with a situation where you are having to deal with rage, anger directed at you or within you on a daily basis or regular basis. And it is threatening your safety, literally your well being, your thought process. That's not an okay anger space either. The situation is dangerous for Your physical health. Please get help. There's so many opportunities. We're not really here in that aspect, but we just have to point that it can go too far on a regular basis. And there's a number of reasons why there are people out there that can't seem to contain or manage their anger. And one of those reasons is that it becomes a chemical addiction for people. Right. Anger for a lot of kids. Like you had mentioned, teenagers. I agree. Like, there's a lot that needs to be worked with children and teenagers with anger. And I think we're seeing it more and more today where we just don't have the coping skills to address our emotions. And we had Christy Taylor on and she talked about the journaling process and the things that they're doing with children about identifying and understanding emotions. And I feel like it's huge, just huge. Because at a young age we learned to kind of hide or self soothe environments where maybe we were told we were bad or we were just unstable with love and protection. And there are things that happen in your brain chemically. The neurochemical process that begins as a child, it becomes an addictive process if we don't learn to manage and feel safe. Safe to step back and look at our feelings and our environment and the response that we're having. Right?

Yeah.

So you know, anger, what happens? The brain secretes the hormone norepinephrine and that's an Anagel and actually numbs the body. It's kind of a process of self soothing. So when we look at like anger outbursts, there is a process that's actually happening that's creating a sense of protection and control. But that's also the chemical reaction that's happening that's numbing the sensation of the brain and the fear mechanism. But then it also has an amphetamine like hormone, the epinephrine and adrenaline rushes that comes in and helps one, I think on a base level, help with that fight, flight or freeze response in our body where, okay, there may be moments where we have to get enraged to protect ourselves physically, but it's also a process of covering your core hurts. That deeper thing that we don't know how. We don't have the tools to sit back and feel safe in looking at ourselves. And you had said something that I think is very challenging for people because we don't want to feel bad, we don't want to feel guilty, we don't want to feel shame. And if you grew up in an environment where you were constantly under fear and unstableness, and shame and anger being directed at you and you are bad and you are guilty all the time. It's very challenging to ever go back to those feelings. If you've learned coping mechanisms to protect yourself from those feelings, it's really challenging for people to go there. It's very scary to break down those layers.

It is amazing because there's varying degrees of anger and reasons why, but there's also a lot of stuff around society. There's kind of epigenetics of the way we were maybe brought up, the way our parents taught us how to communicate or so there's so many layers to this and how to identify and recognize where you're at and also how to express it. Like some people don't even know they're feeling it. They're that out of touch with it. Right. And that's okay. But I think that the one challenge is like, you know, the varying degrees of it. Obviously, for whether it's political stuff or whether it's relationship stuff or whether it's co worker stuff, whatever the reason is, there's some people who you'll see fire off pretty quick that you see, think is a very small, mundane thing.

Right.

But to actually step back and kind of have, I don't want to say, yeah, kind of have compassion for where that person's at because clearly there's other stuff going on, right? And there is this, like they don't maybe have the same skill set or like, how can you be an influence to them in their life to be able to utilize, recognize that, listen to what it is about and then have them take the steps to what that's a spark for them to create some sort of change within their environment, within themselves, within their relationship. So it's an interesting thing. Like you said, everybody's kind of at a different place with the relationship with it and how they can communicate with it. Hey guys, it's Brian. I just wanted to take a pause for a moment in the middle of this podcast to thank our sponsors, Ouch, who's helping to make this podcast possible today. Ouch believes everyone should enjoy what life has to offer without enduring pain. They are a pain relief company. Listen guys, I use their products a lot. Their proprietary herbal formulas built on top of a 2000 year old formula, giving it time, tested, effective results. And I'm gonna listen to that any day of the week. The combination of that with the founder and having over 22 years of actual hands on experience treating patients for musculoskeletal pain makes Ouch a very Special company Ouch is made with the highest quality of certified herbs and CBD from organic hemp oil. Their ingredients are extracted with the utmost integrity to ensure the healing properties remain pure and concentrated to promote natural muscle pain relief and other benefits. I gotta tell you, I appreciate that so much. As a consumer, I want to know what I'm getting is exactly what's being sold to me. So they take it a step further. They have a certificate of analysis for all their ingredients before it goes into production and after production to ensure that you're getting what you're paying for. Listen here, guys. Don't settle for a lesser version of your best self today. When you can feel your best today, check out Ouch Shop. That's spelled O U T C H. Shop for a full line of their products. They're an amazing company. I use their products on a daily basis, so check them out.

Well, yeah, and you can have compassion and empathy for somebody who's in a different emotional state than you are, or with different tools and abilities, but also have good boundaries. Like you can don't have to participate in it if it's not somebody who's progressing. And to recognize maybe you're not comfortable in dealing with somebody else's anger, you don't have to be involved in it. You can take a step back. So have some boundaries to protect yourself. But recognizing that heightened sense, like people who live in that anger and who are even crossing over into an abusive space, it gives them a sense of heightened sense of control and power. And it's as addictive as any drug. It's truly more addictive than any of our drugs out there. So if you think about how people deal with alcoholism or heroin abuse or cocaine abuse or amphetamine or whatever it is, right? The chemical reaction in your body that happens when you get an anger response and also love. I see where the guy is making the connection there. The love response in your brain, those are more addictive than any type of physical drug we can create. So recognizing that they're looking for a sense of power and control, and so are we. So when you're getting frustrated or angry about something, you're just looking for some way to create a known outcome, for safety, for a sense of control.

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And a sense of power in your being, right? So having that compassion with yourself, okay, I'm upset about something. Let's not let anger control me. Let's not let it block my ability to see things clearly, to turn something out for the best outcome. Like you said, let's think about why I am angry about this situation. Is it really the situation? First of all, if you really, a lot of times think about if you've been angry and kind of flown off the handle at something and you really look at the moment, you're like, it probably wasn't that. It was that I was worried about my kids or, excuse me, I was still kind of flared up from the guy that cut me off in traffic. We can even talk about that. Like, road rage is huge. The reason that you usually have a reaction of road rage is that one, you're fearing for your literal life and you feel upset that somebody might have threatened you and then just the general disregard, right? You're so protected and disconnected from the people around you in your cars today. Like, we're not going to run into our grandma's friend that we ran past the streetlight with in a small town like we used to years ago and know that we're gonna have to see that person face to face later. So it's kind of easier to be disconnected and be in our own world and rushing and cutting people off and. But your reaction on road rage usually is because you're feeling attacked in some way, you're feeling unsafe or you're feeling disrespected or you're feeling literally physically threatened. So my point being is, you know, just recognizing that we're having an anger response because we're trying to find control and protection or power. And being okay with that is the first step, right? And being then asking yourself, why am I truly angry and what is it really showing me? And then how can I redirect that? How can I be the person that I want to be in these certain situations. We're going to talk more about ways we can handle anger because it does pop up and it is surprising. Like, what can we do to strategize ourselves? If we're finding ourselves in anger on a regular basis, then there's some things in our life that's not just moments. It's the entire stress level that we're doing with our day.

Yeah. But if you, if you guys saw. I'm going to jump in there real quick. If you haven't listened to the Mindset Reframing podcast, that's a really. Another great one that talks about this because a lot of it comes back to intention and stuff as well.

And.

Can I just. I want to talk Chinese medicine just for a second.

Oh, please. Do I jump in there?

Please, please, please, please, please. Okay.

Thank you.

Sorry. In Chinese medicine, there's what's called the five elements. This, think about it as a systems theory. And so there's these five different elements, but one of the elements is wood and wood element. So all these systems theories, if you will. Every element is just like a think about, like a box or category that you can put everything in life in. Okay. And so wood's virtues, benevolence. But wood is, if you think about like a tree, and if a tree is really flexible, when the winds of life, meaning all the stuff that's thrown your way, good and bad, when the winds of life blow, that tree should bend with integrity and resilience and then pop back up, right? So it needs to have this kind of flexibility to it. And so if the wood is not flexible, then you're going to have a break. Or the tree can snap, right? If the tree is not really rooted, and we'll talk about this in a minute, purpose, then it will just be uprooted and fall over. So we have to have this like, flexibility to it. And so the kind of out of balanced emotion, if you will, if your wood element is not happy and healthy, is more belligerence and anger. Belligerence, anger, irritability, all that stuff. So when we feel this, emotions arise, just kind of stop and be like, okay, my woods out of balance, right? My tree is not as flexible as it should be. And so the element before that is water element, which is about purpose. So if you think about the tree is anchored in earth, grounded. It's being nurtured, it's being held up by boundaries, it's being nurtured and fed by purpose, which is the water element. But it's growing towards passion and desire. The fire element, right? It's reaching and reaching and reaching and wanting to grow and grow new branches and stuff. And so, so the wood is also has like this insight to it. And it's very much about creativity too. So maybe when you feel that edge of imbalance or you feel some of these emotions coming up, and you're like, okay, something's out of balance. Is my wood element flexible? Am I rooted in purpose? Am I growing towards my passion and desires? And then also stop and utilize once that creativity. So stop, step back and get creative about the situation, and that'll pull you right out of that immediately. And nurture, Nurture that aspect of the wood element to help decrease those things. So that's my nutshell.

I love it. I think we really, again, I think we have to do a podcast that talks more about Chinese medicine in general because it's so fascinating. But what you're saying there is. I think we have to practice. I think we've talked about this before, like, knowing who you want to be and how you want to show up, right? And if you're going to be able to be flexible and move, I think it takes a little practice. And, you know, just have a go back to the tree metaphor. You don't just have a suddenly a big, strong tree. That's just boom there, right? It starts off small, and it learns over time while it is flexible to practice with that flow. And you kind of have to know that, okay, the wind is coming, there's going to be changes, going to be things that push against me. How do I want to react in those moments? Now, if, you know you've got certain triggers, right? There are some strategies out there, and other than the rage rooms, maybe you should try that. Anyway, I kind of think it'd be fun, you know, if, you know, there's something that sets you off on a regular basis, whether it's a relationship issue or somebody at work or the car or whatever it is, money, children. I read something that said couples experience anger eight to 10 times a day, and that's before they have children. So we all know that's before breakfast.

I didn't say that. I didn't say that.

Well, okay, let's talk about that. I mean, we love our children. I mean, obviously, but children bring up anger. And one of the strategies that I learned early on with my kids was to talk to them about why I got angry with them. And sometimes where, you know, this is where anger can be good. If your child is out in the front yard and they're running towards the street, and they haven't learned the skills of just listening to you, and you have to get angry and yell at them a little bit and show them that intense feeling that startles them into, oh, paying attention, that saves their lives. Right? That's okay. So you have that Anger. And I used to sit down with my kids and if I did lose my patience or if I got angry with them when I was always very honest with my children, like, you know, I'm sorry, I kind of handled that poorly. And mommy's not mad at you? Mommy's upset with a lot of things that happened in her day today, but mostly I'm worried. Okay, I'll go right to it. Like, I used to get mad at my daughter. God, Jade, I love you the most and you are the most amazing, beautiful, just. She really is just. I call her my angel. She's just.

Wait, you told your daughter you loved her the most, meaning you love her more than the other child?

No, I love. I did say I love you most.

You did say I love you the most.

No, Nick is my daughter.

Mommy did not mean that. Mommy didn't mean it. She loves you too.

My kids know that. But what I would tell her. So we struggled a lot with her. I'm a very clean and tidy person typically. And she is not. She liked messiness and kind of disarray in her room and it would make me a little crazy. Even from a very young age we struggled with this. And I would tell her eventually, like when they got older, I was like, look, it's not that I'm mad at you because I want your room to look a certain way and because I want it to be like this for me and because I'm like, I. I think of you as a 20 something year old trying to go to work, trying to have a living. You are this person that I've watched over and guided for the last 18 to 19 years whenever they leave the home. And I'm worried that me not helping you have skills of organization and cleanliness will lead to disarray and disruption in your life and you won't have this potential for happiness that I want you to have. And when I could put it in this situation are in that concept, like my kids recognized I think a little bit more that, well, mom's mad, but I know she's got like she's thinking of it in a different way. She's not just mad at me. It's not a control power thing. She's really thinking long term and it helped me control my anger. It helped me not be so mad at them too. Right. So really getting down to where is this coming from? Having the vulnerability to express that to somebody, but also knowing that I visualized when I found out I was having children, I read so many books and I thought about and visualized the type of parent that I wanted to be, the type of person that I wanted to be for my kids and how those situations are going to roll up and kids are frustrating. Right. Like we're scared for them and if we really get down to it, that's what it comes down to. We're scared for their well being. We're scared that we don't screw them up.

Yeah. Well, you sound first of all like everything you've done is a little bit more than maybe what I've done. And I'll tell you how my parenting turns out once they're all grown up and out of the house. So I'm not going to share any parenting stories yet.

Sure. You're doing great.

Yeah. Well, you know, again, sometimes you're your best self and sometimes you have to go back and rethink that. But the great thing is, you know, once it leaves your leaves your lips it's left it. It's not yours anymore but you can come back and say something else. So you can let something else leave your lips to hit the res with that if you will.

Right.

So let's give everybody some anger action plans on how to harness the power and energy of anger and turn it into something that is a force to create positive change and evolution.

I think it's great. I think we do want to evolve into healthier, calm and happy people.

Yes. I mean I think that's a great thing to strive for. So one of the things that came up during just pulling up some research on this, I have my things I do and it's interesting just because some of these fall in line but there's an acronym. It's anger management strategy. And see I don't even like that whole anger management because it's really about like continue to communicate with it recognize anyway we'll jump in this but the acronym STAR S T A R R so stop. And again I think this is a good time, you know going into things. So stop pause than think and so think is like have that communication with yourself. And I like to start the sentence and I'm doing this with my personal development coach for a couple of things. But what is. What is it about this situation that is causing me frustration irritably anger. What is it about myself? What is. So ask the question. What is. What is it about that my spouse said that caused me to get irritable. So what is. Is a great way to I think start that thinking process off that kind of goes into ask. So I just kind of blended it. So stop, think about it, ask questions to yourself, and then reduce it. So those of you who have not listened to that Nervous System podcast, you know, put yourself in a timeout. I like to give myself, to be honest with you, 24 hours, 5 or 10 minutes doesn't do a lot for me. I have to, like, really step back from it.

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But do some breathing techniques, so forth. And then the biggest thing I think is pretty awesome that we don't do enough of is reward yourself. So once you've done all these things, first of all, reward yourself for just stopping and not just reacting, right? Because you're diffusing that reaction. We want to stop. We have a perfect, beautiful moment, an opportunity to turn this energy into something that looks like whatever. We want to create it and we can use it however we want. Right? So reward yourself for just making it that far. Then just like in my week where I had that some stuff come up, I felt great. I paused. I was proud of myself for not reacting. Proud of myself for really coming up with some creative solutions that would benefit everybody around me and took the time to stop and be like, good fricking job. You know what?

You rocked it.

So, you know, we could dive deeper into that. But that's just, I think, an important thing. So that's.

Yeah. And it's also like the stress inoculation. It's again, like kind of like I had said, what kind of person you want to show up to be. They use it a lot in cognitive behavioral therapy for anger processing is not really managing your anger, but processing it right, visualizing the situation and then practicing how you would cope with that situation. So taking some time again, learning those breathing techniques, learning to take a few minutes to meditate in the morning if you know that you're going to lose your mind. If you have issues every time you drive to work and you are like mad at the traffic lights and you're mad at the person in front of you. If you're constantly losing your crap on the highway, maybe there's some self awareness that you have to have in what's happening for what's happening during. Can you strategize some ways to not take those routes? To leave earlier to listen to something more pleasant and then just reframe what is happening again? That person didn't cut you off. Maybe they did, but they're just totally unaware. Maybe it's your sweet little grandma. Who knows what it is? I mean, sometimes people are jerks and it just does happen. But how can you visualize what you want to react to? Like now please don't say I want to just take my car and ramp. Well, I mean you can actually. There's a lot of research that shows if you visualize what you want to do and then say, but I'm not going to do that. There's actually a little relief in there. I just inhaled my coffee. That's okay.

I like, did you ever read the book? And I'm going to cuss online. I'm going to cuss here if that's okay. But I actually like this too. It's called it therapy. So basically just by being. You get upset or whatever and you're like, it's like there's like a release.

Well, I think that's why we like those movies where there's the revenge and you get to have the character that gets treated badly. And then in the end they come back and they beat the crap out of somebody or they. And there's just these moments where inside you're like, yes, that feels so good.

So however you want to visualize or release it or using your words, use your words, whatever your words, whatever your words may be. But then making sure you recognize like what was that about? Right? Ask the questions. And then reducing, getting back to your parasympathetic self so you're in your flow Zen state and then turning it into something beautiful.

And I think we have to be careful to not put our emotional blame, not to become cyclical. And again, it has ties back to that chemical addiction. We become addicted into a habit and a process to protect ourselves because our ego feels under siege. You know, if we think it's. It's really easy to blame somebody else, right? So. And then it becomes easier. Especially in a relationships where you Quickly go to this route of blaming. It's this person's fault. This. Because, like, you had said something in Star where it's like, ask why. Why am I having this reaction? Well, you know, my wife said this or whatever, and that makes me angry because it's selfish of her. Well, you got to go a little deeper than that, too. Like, you're like, okay, take her out of it. Right. Take somebody else out of it. Why does that offend you? Why does you know her and I'm not? Your wife is amazing. We're not picking on your wife. But just in general, why does when my wife say that make me angry? Well, it's because I think she's selfish. Well, what does that mean? What does it mean when you think your wife is selfish? Well, it means that I think she cares more about herself than she cares about me. And of course, I'm generalizing and. Well, what does that mean?

I'm not saying any of this. Amy. None of this is coming from me.

Amy.

My wife's name's Amy. Wife Amy. Yeah. So, yeah. Is it about what she said that is creating this action or reaction? Yes.

In you. And what is that saying in you? Well, you know, I can. Does it mean that she doesn't care about me? Well, does that mean that I'm insignificant? Does it mean it's threatening our relationship? Does it make me feel inferior? Does it make me feel unwanted? Does it make me feel stupid? It really is you. You have to go into what those reactions are in you. As a lot of times, most likely, your spouse or relationship mate doesn't think those things. You know, a lot of times it is something in you that you're interpreting out of their response. Now, if you really think your spouse or mate thinks those things about you, that's a whole nother concept, and you might want to get into therapy. But if you can, get it to you, because all we can control is us, we cannot control what somebody else feels or thinks or responds. We can't. We can only deal with what we are feeling and how we want to interpret something and how we want to respond in a certain situation. So keep asking those deep whys.

Yeah, and like, questions out loud, too, because I do. I will say I feel like a lot of times people are anger, and even though they're asking that about what they said, they're actually interpreting it or they're assuming that this is what this person meant. Right. And so I like. I like what my daughters said. I was talking about assuming because it's A trigger. Like if sometimes you just, you haven't even had the conversation. So you built a whole story around something that isn't even real because you assumed or interpreted that that was meant to serve way. But my, my middle one in high school, I can't remember what Te said this to her, but she's like, assuming just makes an ass out of you and me. And so I like that little thing for assuming. But yeah, so ask questions too, because sometimes you're just building it because of your assumption. So you just don't know. Yeah. Where things are at sometimes.

And that starts with, like we said, self awareness. We got to take those moments to step away and breathe. How can you recognize what you're feeling, why you're feeling it, dig into it? And sometimes that's breathing. Meditation. Journaling is very helpful. There's tons of scientific research that comes out and people a lot of times will think this is a frou frou thing. But writing down your thoughts on a daily basis or even just once a week, if it's all you can do, or just when you're upset or happy about something, right when you're feeling an intense emotion, just stop and write it down. It doesn't have to be coherent, it doesn't have to be a presentation. Just writing out those thoughts on paper scientifically is showing how significant it is for our processing and healing. So journaling, breathing, meditating, recognizing and then finding a safe space to talk about it. Like with you and I, Brian, I mean, it's nice that we are comfortable enough with each other and safe enough with each other to talk about certain things. But you know, you have those people in your life. Like I have friends that I know I can call and totally rage talk nonsense what you call it. You use the word like belligerent. I could just get belligerently angry and just blab, puke it all out there with a friend. And oftentimes I call it call and say, okay, I'm just going to vent. I don't want you to fix this. I just need to get this out and thank God for those friends where you've developed that relationship and just throw it all out there and then know that it's just a trusting space. They're not judging you, they're not going to throw anything back at you. But have that place where you can. And if you don't have that, there are so many good tools out there, free, available tools where you can reach out to therapists and counseling and process this stuff. Now one good thing that's come out of the last couple of years of craziness is that we recognize how important mental health is and there's way more accessible tools to us and helpers out there for us. So you do not have to sit in your stuff alone. We all process it differently. Some people internalize it and just keep it in, and some people need to talk it through. I'm obviously a talker, so.

Yeah. So let's turn anger. And again, all things good for you just to bring that back in is we're talking about this because there's a idea about what anger is, and it always has this negative thing, but there is some power to it if utilized in the right way. But also, like, let's not let it get to that. So how can it be a tool that can serve and serve us well so we can turn belligerence into benevolence. So let's do it, people.

I love that. Turn belligerence into benevolence.

Yes. I see a T shirt. I see a T shirt.

Yes. And what did you say the last T shirt was? Something about alpha. In the alpha state or something. I'm in my.

Oh, yeah. You know what? We should make a shirt for every podcast. So we got to come up with a little. A little thing. I like it. I like.

Well, we got two.

Thanks for reminding me of that. We got two. We got two. Well, Amy and everybody out there, thank you again so much. And just to make sure I say this over and over, because we should just build it into the podcast, but we love doing this and we want to spread this to as many people as possible. So please always reach out. There's got to be somebody, maybe two or three people in your lives that would love to dive deeper into the things we're talking about and looking for some positivity and help and growth. So please share this podcast with as many people as possible, and we're going to keep doing them.

And we are building a little webpage for this podcast, right?

Yes.

We're going to start having a little more interaction opportunities, and we would love to be more in touch with you guys that are listening. If you have thoughts, ideas, and feedback, we are truly open to having that. Please be known. And if you have a criticism that's great, let us know. But if you have ideas or if you want to dive in deeper to the things that we have touched on, we truly want to know that it's helpful for us. And we are not getting paid to do this. This is a free podcast and we are here out of just the idea that we want to create more happiness and good things out there for people. So jump in, look for the podcast website coming up and please share it with a friend. Like Brian said, it's helpful.

Awesome. Beautiful. Thank you guys everybody. Have a wonderful day and non angry day.

A non angry day and I hope that your head cold goes away. Hope you're feeling healthy and strong this week.

Thank you. Appreciate it.

Bye bye Brian. I love you.

Oh I love you too. Thank you. That's very sweet.

It's such a good thing to say. Okay man. All right.

All righty.

Bye. Hey friends, thank you for tuning in to the All Things Good for your Podcast. Please note, any information, experiences, ideas or opinions discussed today are for educational and thought provoking purposes only and not intended as medical advice. If anything piqued your curiosity, please consult with your doctor or personal medical professional. And if you're enjoying All Things Good for you podcast, hop on over and leave us a five star review so we can continue delving in and providing great content. Thanks again and we hope you are inspired to stay informed and responsible along your health and wellness journey.

Did you know your cell phone is made with recycled materials? In fact, most of the things you depend on every day are. From essential infrastructure to important innovations. America is made with recycled materials. Learn how@recycled materials.org.

Looking to get out there and feel the in your hair Chevy EVs have you covered like the Blazer EV with bold style that's sure to you away. And with Silverado EV towing is a breeze with the capability to hitch up and tow with ease. Ant Equinox EV helps you keep moving along like with confidence Chevrolet together let's drive.