Ep.40 Conscious Communication

SpinQuest Social Casino it's Thanksgiving time. The turkey's hot and the family's loud. Instead of football, play a different game on your phone. Live dealer Blackjack, craps and slots. Play anytime, anywhere. Spinquest.com this Thanksgiving, gobble up a $30 coin pack for just $10. Come play today.

Spinquest is a free to play social casino void where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details. Foreign.

Communication is an essential part of a foundation for deeper connections, discoveries, insights, and the key to successful personal and business relationships.

Hey friends, thank you for listening to the All Things Good for your podcast. Join us as we explore ancient traditions, modern tools and practices in the world of health, wellness and personal development. I'm Amy Christiansen, your host and your curated mind coach.

And I'm your co host, Brian Bowen, founder of Integrative Health Inc. And better human company High Performance Coaching. Are you ready to take control of your life and start feeling enthusiastic, empowered and limitless each and every day for a life well lived, let your curiosity flow with all things good for you. Hello Amy.

Hey Brian.

How you doing this evening?

I'm good.

Evening. It is evening. I love it.

Another evening podcast.

Another cold evening podcast. I think it's six degrees outside right now.

It's. Yeah, I think it's three or four here. It's crazy.

Glad we're both in warm, cozy places and get to chit chat a little bit versus going outside and doing it, having a little walk and talk because that seems brutal.

I Tavi is being slightly neglected today. I will not lie.

I think even a dog doesn't want to be outside. It's so cold.

I think Tavi would be more than happy to be outside at the dog park or on a mountainside right now. And it, I don't know if it would even phase him.

Do you have little boots for him?

Not yet. I don't think we haven't had any issues too badly with him having snow issues or has feet getting too cold. But I feel like it would now. But I'm not going. I'm not going out. I'm not going out at 44 degrees to hike. I'm sorry.

It's good. I know that you're. You're a little crazy with that. So for you not to go out then I'm not going out. I'm let you lead the way if you're not going. I'm not going.

Yeah, I'm. I've done it. I'm over that. I don't need to do it anymore. I know if I had Well, I could.

Oh, I know you could. 100. I'm really excited about tonight, so I just want to jump in here if that's cool with you. This topic that we're talking about tonight, actually, I was a guest on a podcast, and this was their topic.

What? I feel betrayed.

I know now it's a good friend. So it's Nest Health Connections, and they do corporate health stuff. But it was really a good podcast and just preparing for it and reflecting and going through stuff that I've learned, tools I've utilized and things. Maybe I should do a little bit more of it. As I was talking, it just reminded me how important this is as far as dealing with personal relationships, business relationships. I'm just going to throw out a little quote I made. So I didn't want to look for a quote because I was too tired the other day, so I just wrote one. So I wrote a little quote. Conscious communication. I know I don't not say it's good, but I wrote it.

Brian, this is. I think we have to honor it. It's a Brian Bowen quote. You ready for a Brian Bowen quote? It's an original be. Write this down. Write this down.

Okay, here we go. Conscious communication is an essential part of a foundation for deeper connections, discoveries, insights, and the key to successful personal and business relationships.

This is very good. Okay, so we've got. It's a foundation. It's essential. First of all. It's a foundation.

Essential foundation.

Yeah.

Such a part of a foundation.

We want connect. Deeper connections, discoveries, deeper connections, insights, and key to successful personal and business relationships. That's deep. That's very good. Yeah.

Thank you.

Yeah.

When I was talking about it the other day, from. From a personal level, obviously this can make or break you, Right? And if we look at the depth of our relationships and if we really embrace conscious communication, how much deeper our relationships can evolve. And then even the people that I. In business, in the business world, like, as a practitioner, even the more successful practitioners actually have better conscious communication skills. I've had. I've known lots of great practitioners that have good hand skills and good techniques, and they're great technicians, but they maybe didn't have as much strength in the conscious communication realm, but I really do feel like that's what held them back from evolving to their next level as well. So personal business relationships is the foundation of so many things. It's critical. Critical.

So, okay, so conscious communication. What is a comparison? Like, conscious. It makes. It brings up ideas for me how a lot of people, we talk every day about waking up, taking charge of your day, being aware of how you feel, being aware of how you show up, thinking about what you want to accomplish. I feel like that's a conscious living. And the same thing can carry over to conscious communication. Right? You're aware of how you're feeling, you're intentional with the way you want to communicate. You're being aware of your thoughts, but also pausing and having space for another person, but not just the actual process of them speaking. You're actually interested and curious and care about what's being expressed by the other person.

100%. Yeah. And I think that curiosity is very important in a. In a brief definition. The couple key points to take away. Conscious communication refers to the practice of being aware and intentional aware. I'm going to highlight those aware and intentional in one's communication with others. This includes being mindful of one's words, tones, body language, as well as actively listening to and understanding the perspective of others. Again, actively listening in understanding the perspective of others. Conscious communication aims to improve understanding, build connections and constructively resolve conflicts. But I the couple things to take away the awareness part. I think conscious communication starts with observation, just awareness of. And I have a little thing I want to bring awareness. But if you enter a room, the what I observe about you, how you move, how you present, where your energy is. I start thinking about that stuff right there. Some people might, if they're not conscious communicators, let's say you're in a really bad mood and you walk in. They might think in their mind Archie's grumpy, I'm staying away from her. And so they're already using their filters and I know that's not you, but they're already using. They're already putting these filters in and they're already putting up barriers instead of hey boy, it looks like she's. Something's really bothering her. So I'm going to connect with her and just. You don't need to assume. But you can be like hey, is there anything I can. Anything going on I can help you with? Or what's been going on in your day to day.

Right. Or even having that in your own head is maybe if I just. And I think a lot of that is not making it about you. And it goes to that awareness. You can be aware of you and not everything is about you. Right. So awareness of your own self and your own how you're coming into it. But these other people have their own life going on. A lot of times I'll see Somebody with a grumpy face or what appears to be cranky or grumpy. I'm sure there are times, I know for a fact there are times I've made that about me when it wasn't and just recognizing that maybe that person is just thinking about something and. Or they came in from a difficult conversation or you just never know. And why make like you said, just don't make the assumption that is their entire presence and have the ability to engage with another person and open a door. You don't even have to say can I help you with something? Or you look like you're upset. You could just be pleasant and be like welcoming and understanding to another person and just open the door for them to be able to shuff off their. Whatever they brought into the situation.

Yeah, I think the reverse of that's also very interesting to, to think about too. It's so how, if you're the person that's in that space that had some issues going on, you had one of those days, you have a lot of stress. How are you consciously communicating with the world of the people you engage, whether it's at the grocery store. Right. Whether it's coming into your office. And both are critical for the observer. It's critical to pay attention and to be in a place of a servant's mind, I think. And I want to talk about that a little more later for sure. But then also for the person who is in this space, we have to realize that we are also putting out information with our body, with our tone, with our actions, with our facial expressions, with our, our whole being. And so how do you want to. Again, how do you want to show up? Because that's some people. The majority of people aren't going to be conscious communicators. Right. So they are going to be conscious judgers and people will react to you in the way that you are projecting. So we have to be conscious about communication as far as how we are projecting, but also how we are paying attention and observing and being mindful of other people's tones, words, body language.

Yeah, again, it's a. I guess conscious means that you're paying attention, you're here and you're present in a moment. And if you're in a moment in a way to communicate, it must include another being. You're saying or speaking and exchanging something. You're exchanging energy, you're exchanging words, you're exchanging, like you said, body, body language. You, you have to just become aware and present. And there is a space where you have to be aware of where you are and what you're feeling, but also disengage from that.

Looking to get out there and feel the in your hair. Chevy EVs have you covered like the Blazer EV with bold style that's sure to you away. And with Silverado EV towing is a breeze with the capability to hitch up and tow with ease. And Equinox EV helps you keep moving along like with confidence. Chevrolet together, let's drive.

Spinquest Social Casino It's Thanksgiving time. The turkey's hot and the family's loud. Instead of football, play a different game on your phone. Live dealer, blackjack, crafts and slots. Play anytime, anywhere. Spinquest.com this Thanksgiving, gobble up a $30 coin pack for just $10. Come play today.

Spinquest is a free to play social casino void where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details. Kind of a whiteboard moment, right? Just take the chalkboard and wipe everything off and just start with a clean slate and just be open to listen and receive and hear another human being.

Yeah, it's an interesting space. I think that's a hard space for a lot of people to be in and including myself sometimes, especially I think the ones that we're closest to. It's a real challenge, right? It's a real challenge to hold the space to for where that person is and to sit back and just listen and not try to fix it or solve it and find out what their needs are before we just jump in. Right. So I think sometimes I'm guilty, especially with my spouse. Hopefully she listens to this podcast one day because I'm admitting my guiltiness and my sorry for doing that, but.

And we love you, Amy.

Oftentimes, yes, we love you. There's often times where I I'm a business owner, I'm an entrepreneur, I'm a. I like problem. I like to fix things and solve things and build things. And I'm guilty trying to jump in with solutions. Instead, I should need to come from a place of listening, paying attention to her words, paying attention to her body language and then me reacting with my body language. Maybe it's a hand on her shoulder, hand gently on her leg, rubbing her leg. Maybe it's a. Maybe it's a. Oh, a tilt of the head with a little oh, I'm sorry or whatever. And then I need to come and instead of trying to solve it, just say I'm feel. I feel for you right now. I'm totally engaged in listening to you. I'd really love to. What would you like the outcome of this to be or how would you like me to show up for you right now?

I even have with some of my girl because. All right. I do tend to sometimes communicate more like a stereotypical man in most at least growing up.

And I'd like to know what a stereotypical man is like.

Sorry, Sorry, man.

Stereotypical? Am I a stereotypical man?

I get it.

This isn't about me. This isn't about me. I'm just joking.

No, I know. But you know what? I get it. I see that you're joking. I think we all know that the stereotypical meaning that on average for most men, their hope and want is to solve a problem, fix a problem, have no chaos, have no drama. And so I think in general, when a man is listening, sounds pretty great. Yeah. I think for a man, he wants to just hear, okay, this is the problem and here's what I need you to do to how can we fix it? I tend to work like that more often than not. However, I, I sometimes there are moments and my girlfriends and I didn't make good girlfriends until I was older. Like, I grew up with more guy friends. I grew up around more boys, so I learned to communicate like them. And I wasn't, it wasn't until I had my children and, oh, my children were in, I don't know, middle school, grade school or something. Like, I really started making girlfriends. And even those women, I still feel like we tend to communicate differently. We don't. We open up a conversation with, I just need to rant. Can I just rant and complain about something? Or I've had my other girl. I've had girlfriends that are like, okay, is this a. Do you want some suggestions or do you just need to unload this? Like, we start off with knowing each other or hearing how one of us is going to come into it. We'll just ask straight up, is this just event section or do you want some suggestions? And I straight up, I've done it. My friends have done it. Where they're like, I don't, I just want to Excuse my language. I just want to about this for a minute. All right. I just want to unload. I don't, I'm not looking for a solution. I just need to vent it out and I like it. I. Yes. And I think you have to be in that place with a friend that's open enough to hear that. And I have to work really hard and not making suggestions and trying to fix it. So I can't imagine, I can't Imagine why. Because I think most men do have a hard time with that. And I think as far as going into the communication, the conscious communication aspect from a man, I think that takes a lot of effort on a man's part to go, okay, I'm dealing with a woman. What is going on here? What is happening? What is she communicating with her body? What's. And hopefully you have a relationship that's clear enough and communicative enough that there's even an approach on the woman's side of it or whomever else you're talking to that's willing to say, this is what I need from this.

Yeah. 100 the and the detail, the details within all of that communication with all the words. And this is the. This is where it can get tricky is because sometimes people don't even realize how they're using words or the inflection that they're putting behind it. And so we might perceive it or understand it as they're irritated or there's irritability and they might not even know they're doing it. And that's like a default kind of for them. And definitely I do. I'm not supposed to say that.

I know I did raise my hand. I did because I, I do that. I get very impassioned and I can sound very irritated, frustrated with something when a lot of times I'm not really that upset about it. But the way I talk about it comes across very assertive or aggressive even. And I'm just like, oh no, I'm not arguing. I'm just expressing my opinion. I'm totally happy. This is a great conversation.

Interesting. So you said a word, passion, but then you just described to me how you show up. Sometimes I show up with passion. Sometimes I think with people close to my life. Like I'm lecturing.

Looking to get out there and feel the in your hair Chevy EVs have you covered like the Blazer EV with bold style that's sure to you away and with Silverado EV towing is a breeze with the capability to hitch up and tow with ease and Equinox EV helps you keep moving along like with confidence Chevrolet together let's drive.

Forget everything you had planned for this weekend because you are sitting on your couch and winning from the comfort of your own home. I'm here with spinquest where you can play hundreds of slot games, all the table games you love and you could even win real cash prizes. New users $30 coin packs are on sale for 10@spinquest.com Spin Quest is a.

Free to Play social casino void where prohibited. Visit spin quest.com for more details.

Because I get super passionate. I'm like, I get into it and it comes across maybe like I'm lecturing them.

I just got that. I just got that today. Don't you think that depends on the relationship you have with that person and that person's personality style? I literally had this happen this afternoon, and I know this person very well. And I could see where this was going. No. And I could see where this, where it was going. And I had to, oh, I see what's happening. I know our history. I can see where this type of language causes this type of thought process for this person. And I was able to go like, oh, I'm sorry, let me rephrase that. Or I. I don't mean to suggest. And I'm just wanting to share. So again, consciously watching their personality, their body style, but also knowing that person pretty well, I don't know how that would work with a person in a stranger or a new person. I know this person very well. So I was able to be like, back that up.

But no, I think, I think it was great for you to have that awareness for yourself, to catch yourself doing it and again, the relationship that you could do that in. But I could also just feel like all people listening right now are shaking their heads like, yeah, that's my husband, or that's my. My. That's my significant other. Because we all. This is a common. I think this is a common relationship thing for sure. But again, this. It's important because this isn't necessarily relation all about relationships as far as your intimates, your spouses or whatever. This is about friendships. This is about your co workers, this is about your employees. This is about your bosses. This is about strangers you run into in the world. So we've brought up a lot of these words, but they're. I put together just like a little framework of three important words that I feel like are parts really important. So since we've already talked about it, but awareness. So it's 3A, so the triple A. So awareness. And basically, where are you? So when I'm in a room with you, am I here? Am I present? Am I one foot in, one foot out? Am I still trying to. Like earlier when we started talking, I started thinking about, I have to go measure that board over another room and what you lost? No, but I caught myself. And I'm like, brian, bring yourself back. But I'm like, oh, that looks that green looks really good. We just built a Little green screen room. And, like, I got to cut that board over there, but I brought myself back. And so anyway, where are you at? Are you present? Are you one foot in? But also, are you showing up in a way where you're listening without judgment, where you're listening without. Can you listen from that place of curiosity? So who's that? Who's that part of listening is the person that's also, oh, here showing up and listening from a place of preconceived ideas or their own filters based off this, the people. And I know some of those are important. You can't take all those away. There's certain situations where you have to have those for sure. But it's good to check the boxes, right? Okay, I'm here and 100% present, and I'm listening with curiosity. The second one is acknowledgement. And acknowledgement is just really also understanding the challenges, and they're amazing things that's happening in their life. But I think it's great when we're connecting with people to make sure you can see it and say it, hey, like, you had that. That situation today, so good job. You overcame a barrier or a conditioning of yourself, so good job for doing that and having that relationship that you can do it and then being aware. So that was really easy to acknowledge you. And I think opportunities to acknowledge other people, even in the small things. And we've talked many times in podcasts about acknowledging yourself and giving yourself a pat on the back and a reward. And so can you find that one little thing to acknowledge them to. To be able to again? Maybe it's. Maybe if they have anxiety, it's just a matter of, you know what? I've had anxiety before, too, and it really sucks. I really feel for you. What can I do for you? Or I know you've got this. You have a great team of people, you have a great resources, and I'm here for you, too. So you're strong. You're a strong person. You're strong. So just finding those opportunities. And then the last one I'm stealing this word from, from Brendan is affect. I never really knew what affect was. I'm not going to lie. But does it come? Because if you just say emotion, it doesn't accompany all these things. But do you have the emotion, the tone, the body language? Are you showing your concern and emotion and passion with your eyes, with your hands, the tone in your voice as it moves up and down? Right. And all the other things from our facial expressions and so forth? So I think those are really important things to be really aware of. So just go through your AAAs. You got the AAAs down. You're doing pretty damn good.

Okay, so let's do real quick. So that's awareness.

Awareness. Where are you and who's. Where are you and who's listening? So awareness. Who's listening? Acknowledgment, understanding knowledge, their challenges and assesses and then effect.

So engaging in some sort of like body language, eye content way. Yeah.

Showing your emotions. If. And that's there. We have these mirroring neurons. Right. And we're all human. And I. My mirroring neurons are so goddamn strong. Part of my language. I didn't mean to say like that, but they're really strong. And it's. It doesn't matter if it's you. Me communicating with you. If you are like down here and you start coming down, I start coming down. If you and I are playing a game of golf and you're a crappy golfer, I start playing crappy. If you're a great golfer, I start playing great. Like, I am. Like my mirror neurons are off the chart. But if that' good in. In a situation, like if you are down and depressed, it's not going to connect with you. If all of a sudden I'm like, oh, Amy, you got this. You're so happy and bubbly.

You're not gonna.

I. I need to bring myself down a little bit and be like, oh, damn, that's really. Sounds like you had a really tough day. I hear you. I hear you.

Yeah. Yeah.

What do we want to do to get you out of this? What can we do? So, again, just connecting with him at that level of understanding is key.

Yes. I'm just. I'm processing a little something that you were just saying.

Oh, I got more. I can keep going. I got three more tips to go home. Got another framework that's not mine, but I love.

Okay.

So I'm gonna share it.

Okay. So if we're talking about conscious communication, I think overall it makes obvious sense. I think most people are like, oh, yeah, you gotta pay attention, you gotta listen, you gotta think about what the other person is saying.

But, Amy, fill in the blank already together at the same time. Common sense.

It's not common practice.

I know, we've heard that. We've heard that a lot. And I think it's right on.

It's 100 on. Because when you're in a situation or in a conversation, depending on where you're at, it does. And I think we all have to Just take it into. Okay, let's take it from another like an outsider point. If you come up to have a conversation with somebody and somebody's not engaging with you or giving you the body signs and the feedback you want, I think you also have to do a self check and be aware and conscious and understanding of what's happening with this other person. They just may not be in a space to be able to have that bandwidth at the moment. I think the key to conscious communication is one, not making it all about you and two, remembering that there's two or more people involved. And so it's not always going to be controlled and predicted.

Yeah, parents are infamous. Curious to see what you think. But parents are infamous for hijacking, hijacking conversations from their kids. And so I get this like when I work on people at the office and I'm working on somebody and I always talk about their parents and I can't tell you how many times it comes out that the parent like hijacks and they just wanted to, like they wanted the parents hang in there again, hold that space with them and be in that space. And dad, if you listen to this, and I'm going to be guilty of it too. I'm sure I'm going to work hard not to, but we all do it. Love you, but you guys do it too. Sometimes it's just like you start in with a little bit of a conversation and then they can easily connect to it because they have a lot of life experience too and we're all humans. And then your three words that you threw out, they turned it to three paragraphs and then all of a sudden they didn't even remember you brought it up and they're moving on to something else.

I know that happens. It's. And I know that I've recognized it in myself and I know that I recognized it when that happens with other people during my conversations. And I think this actually, this exact subject came up not long ago about just different types of communication styles and our expectations of a situation and about other people's like obviously it's not going to happen if it's just a stranger or the guy at the grocery store or whatever. But if it's somebody you're in a regular communication with, you're going to have to learn something about that other person and respect that they have a different way possibly of communicating. And I think in this instance hijacking is really common to, for people who want to commiserate or co support through a story of similarity like, oh, I remember. Yeah, I have that happen. Oh this did this and oh, I got it. And then that's the long story about. Oh yeah, it's so cold and brutal outside and the hijacking goes wrong when it's about and we had to walk up the hill and put plastic bags on our feet and I had a smushed frozen peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I didn't have a hot. Like that's when it becomes about them. So that fine line of commiserating and, and empathizing in a similar fashion and then it becoming just that moment where the situation goes and I've certainly caught myself in that and gone. Anyway, so back to what you were saying. We definitely have a tendency, I think people do have a tendency to do that. Put ourselves in the scenario and try to identify. Identify the feelings for it.

That's where flexibility I think is really important too. And that should be maybe another word in here. Flexibility, adaptability, the ability to be able to. Because everybody, the people we engage with on a daily basis are very different. And as you know, with clients, if we're working with who's in their 70s compared to a 22 year old, our communication, excuse me, our communication and body language changes a lot. We have to know that with each of our loved ones, with everybody, how do we change and how do we be able to understand where they're at and navigate those waters based off of who we're communicating with. So that flexibility piece I think is pretty, pretty darn important as well.

Yeah. And we again, you just have to remember that there are different personality styles and get to know the people and understand where they're coming from. Okay. This person, this is something that they do. Can you imagine sitting across a deep conversation with somebody who's like arms crossed.

Looking to get out there and feel the in your hair. Chevy EVs have you covered like the Blazer EV with bold style that's sure to you away and with Silverado EV towing is a breeze with the capability to hitch up and tower with ease and Equinox EV helps you keep moving along like with confidence Chevrolet together let's.

Drive Spin Quest Social casino It's Thanksgiving time the turkey's hot and the family's loud Instead of football play a different game on your phone live dealer blackjack, crafts and slots Play anytime find anywhere spinquest.com this Thanksgiving gobble up a 30 coin pack for just $10 come play.

Today Spin Quest is a free to play social casino void where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details. Browse. Furrowed, head down, no other expression. Just the whole time you're telling a story, just stoic, sitting there with no head, nods, nothing.

Oh, that's a challenge, though. I take that.

Who's joining us? Is that Alexa, Y', all?

That's Alexa. Is she telling you shopping all the time? They are, yeah. She's just talking to. She's trying to engage with conscious communication.

Oh, that's so great. Let the I.A.

She'S listening to her tone.

AI learn from us.

Hey. So that a person. And this is where different people in your life, you might notice, like, I know people who can get along with anybody, right? Their friend. The connections that they have are so big because they can literally. It doesn't matter if it's somebody from the middle of a small town in Virginia to Manhattan.

Right.

They just have that adaptability to be able to meet them where they're at. And then you have some people who are so picky. Their friend circle group is, like, really tiny because they don't have some of those skills that are as strongly developed. And it's in their lane. And if it doesn't fit in their lane in their style of connection and communication, then they don't try.

Do you think that's the curiosity part? Because I honestly feel like I could sit down to just about any human of any age and find something interesting to hear or talk about or share or ask them to know more about their life and to make some sort of an identification. Yeah. Curiosity is key, right?

Curiosity is key, and that's one of my tips. Later, though, is active listening from a place of curiosity. So that's perfect.

Yeah.

Curiosity and it. And I remember I would met this person a long time ago, and they literally, like, just told me they loved learning about other people's lives. And they literally. I watched them engage with people, and this was at a backyard barbecue, and their lips barely moved. And other. They were just in front of people, but they would open up these questions. They're like, I want to know everything about you who are. Where did it? Where'd you come from? Maybe it was a. To me, dressed eccentrically crazy, or they say eccentrically eclectic.

Eccentric and eclectic.

Eclectic.

You just made up a new word.

Whatever.

Fabulous.

I did. Yeah. But they opened that door and they. But they authentically really wanted to know who this person was in their life story. And which is amazing. So to see it at that level is, oh, I need to be. I need to engage more and listen for more curiosity, too, because it's so much fun. To learn about people, what their drivers are and who they are.

And yes, now I used to be the person that would sit down on the plane and be really excited for whoever sat next to me because I was going to talk to them or engage with them, ask them questions, get to know the person on the plane next to you as I got older. And I think, because right now a lot of my energy is already given with engaging with other people that if I get on a plane today, I just want to put my headphones in and not try that hard. But I'm guessing for the most part you talk somebody's ear off on the plane too.

Oh no, actually, that's like sacred ground for me. Actually, when I was gonna say when you were talking about you're that person, I'm like, oh, I got your buds in. I have a three and a half hour playlist called Brian's Mojo. And so I put my playlist and I don't even watch movies or anything. I literally listen to that and I'll work on the computer for a little bit and get some stuff done and then I close my eyes and just do a little meditation, listen to my Brian's Mojo. And, and that's the space I like because I'm going into a new, the new place I'm going to, it's my, my, my time to regroup and let go of what I'm leaving to go into that new space.

Yep.

And, but I do have a funny story. There's a client of mine named Anna. So Anna, if you're listening to this, I love you, but I was going to teach a class in Minnesota and she was this perky, like this perky 20 something year old next to me. And you could just tell, she, you could tell she wanted to talk to everybody. And so I had my earbuds in and I literally took them out for just a second and maybe it was to scratch my ear and I took it out for a second and it was like instantly she started playing with me. But it turned out to be great. And then within five minutes I found out her career passion. She found out like what I do and then she would come to find out she had like severe neck pain and back pain and stuff. And I'm like teaching this class, we could use somebody for an acupuncture model. And so I literally talked her for a very short time and she was a willing participant to come to the strangers class. I had an acupuncture school and get needled by all the students.

Wow.

And that was five years ago and I still see her and treat her today, but it was a pretty. Pretty funny story.

Yeah. I think you just have to read the room on a plane. I think just like we said, I have to.

Yeah.

Read the room. See if it's worth the effort to. But I do find myself closing down sometimes more now than I did in the past because I was. That. That would have been me in my late 20s or. Yeah, I.

That would totally have been bouncing around. Can't hold still. Yeah, I love it.

Yeah. Yep.

So that's. If you don't spaz. That was your nickname.

Yep.

Rasmus Bath.

Just nothing before, nothing after. Just never sat still. Never stopped talking.

Since we mentioned this. Do you mind if I bring up these other three takeaways?

Let's do this. Provide some content.

But we're. But so a takeaway again. So there's three that I think are three other critical ones is active listening from a place of curiosity. So I think we were just having that conversation a little bit. So I feel like I just want to make sure we bullet point it. The second one I feel is really important. And this is something I literally am going to work on this week. I need to write 200 questions down because we get so stuck in our conversations, in our default modes and our default questions and all that, but is to ask more questions with depth. Let's say it again, ask more questions with depth. So more questions that are engaging, that is going to engage the person you're talking to and then hold that space for them. And basically, I think what I'm saying is we need to ask questions to get the person to want to think and engage at a deeper level. And then once they start doing that, zip your lips, hold the space form, let it unfold a little bit. Then when they get to a place where there's like a pause, instead of just jumping in with advice or solution, ask another question. Drawing that out a little bit more. Can you imagine how. How deep your relationships could go if you could master that skill just a little bit more? Right.

Yeah. Do you feel like you try to do this in your personal romantic relationships? Sorry, I put an S on the end of there. I know you only have one relationship.

It's just reflecting personal relationship. Yeah.

What you said about trying to talk with your wife and do you ever erase and stop yourself from thinking through and guessing at what she might say or where she's coming from and just be open to saying, how does that make you feel? Or what is this inspiring you or do you ask those deep questions with your.

I'm going to be brutally honest. My desire is to do more of it.

Yeah.

And I have been working. I've been working more diligently at it. Like, when we went on a date the other night, I had a couple lined up that I was just ready to tee off because I thought they were just. They're really good ones. And they opened up for more conversation. And then she then in turn asked me those questions back. What about you? What's. And. But I am guilty. 100 guilty of coming home from a long day at work. And maybe there were some issues with the kids or whatever. And we get in that mundane thing and she's stressed out, and I'm stressing me out, and we get stressed out. And instead of me hitting that pause button and just go. I can really see that you're. It seems like this is really upsetting you. What was it that. I don't want to throw one of my kids under the bus. Specifically, what was it that blank was doing that really got to you? Or that really, I need to work harder, 100% harder at asking more questions with depth and holding the space. And sometimes it's hard. There's times I'm like, oh, I want to say it so bad. I got an idea.

I got a solution.

That's how I feel. You feel like you're gonna burst inside. You're like. You're trying to keep that calm look on your face. It doesn't look like you're constipated.

I know the answer. That's. Why can't she just let me tell her what to do?

It'd be so much easier if you just did what I told you to do.

I'm just kidding. Yeah, that's got to be a little bit challenging. I know with some of my close friendships and stuff, I have to literally, like. I had a conversation with my sister the other night, and I. For the first time, I didn't just tell her what to do. Not the first time, but I do typically just jump right in and tell my sister what do. She rarely takes my advice anymore, but I know she hears it and then decides if she picks and chooses now. But I'm notorious for this is what we're going to do, and this is how it's going to happen. It usually turns out really good. Sometimes you got to back away from that. So the other night we were. And I just said, hey, can I put on. Can I actually, like, do a coaching process with you and just walk through was kind of some stuff that she had experienced here in the recent near past. And I was like, can we walk through this on a coaching process where I just take off my sister hat and I put on the coaching hat and really just work this through on a coaching level. And I know lately, because more and more that I'm doing the coaching stuff, I'm being more and more aware of making sure I'm not coaching my friends and family that I'm honestly. And most of the time I'm not. If I'm really comfortable and I'm in a situation with somebody, I'm not thinking through the coaching questions. Right. There may be some skills that pop in and some language that pops in just because you learn these ways of communicating that are helpful. But it's got to be a little challenging not to want to put in the coaching questions.

It's also hard. It's also hard.

It has to come from a genuine place. I think is where we're going with this. If you're going to ask questions and try to get into a deeper space, be truly curious and recognize that even the person you've been married to for 20 something years, who there's still another person, they're growing, they're changing, they're having introspection and thoughts within themselves that and exposures to different things throughout the day that you're not aware of. They're not always going to. They're not the same person they were 10 years ago, five years ago, or maybe even three days ago. And being genuinely caring and honestly interested in what's happening with this person that I'm sharing my life with.

Yeah, I think that's amazing. The. And it'd be interesting too, for if you ask more questions and you're engaging with them and holding that space, if they start reciprocating naturally, like if they're mirroring neurons or picking that up to you and they start. You start noticing changes in their behavior. Right. If you start noticing little changes in their communication style and. Or holding that space for you more. And so I guess that's us teaching by leading. Right. So we have to become role models in that way. If you want. Because I think everybody would respect that. Like, I know I would respect that much more if somebody was actively listening from a place of curiosity, asking more questions with that than holding the space. I would totally love that. Who wouldn't love that?

And we all know you end up taking your, your deeper, closer relationships for granted. That's very common. But those are the most Precious relationships we have where we should be putting in more time and practice. I know. Again, I think I quote Jay Shetty a lot, and I listen to a lot of other people other than Jay Shetty. I just. He says things poignant and they're just. It's clear. And he has the four P's of a relationship. I'm gonna try to remember, like, the four stages, but I'm gonna forget them because I just listened to this and I was like, I gotta write that down. But he makes a point of just saying one of it. It. The practice. And. No, it's. Oh, I'm gonna. Now I feel silly. Can we just cancel this part of the podcast? That's okay. Go look up Jay Shetty now because he's getting ready to come out with his. His new book. And I'm really excited about it because it does talk about relationships and. But his big point was we get all excited and we get these relationships, right? Your whole life, young life or whatever. Everybody, like, goes to all the effort to get the date and romance them and. And show their best self and be their best self and be patient and understanding. And once you. And then you get married or you're in a committed relationship with somebody and you just stop and it's. No, that's where it begins. That's the practice. That's the purposefulness that you continue to build on the relationship. You should continue to be curious about that person. You should be continuing to be interested in what they're learning and doing. And we'll put them the. We'll put the four P's in the show notes. How about that?

So have you heard my. For some people, they might feel this is radical, and I'm saying this half jokingly, but did I ever tell you about my idea of a more of a modern marriage? What it should. Maybe a marriage contract should look like.

Oh, dear Lord. What? I'm scared. I'm scared a little bit.

So this. Hang in there with me. Just hang in there with me. Okay, So I agree with you. I think that when you are dating and all that stuff, you're pursuing a person and you're curious, you're listening for more curiosity. You're learning so many little details, and you're all in. And it's so exciting. And everything just has more intensity to it, right? And so then we go to the altar and the vows are set up. I think in a way that maybe it leads people to subconsciously start to not pursue and stuff, because I don't even want to get into the vows. But yeah, there I think subconscious things happen. I don't think everybody intentionally does some of the things that they do. I think some of it is subconscious behavior. So to fix that, a solution would be when you get married, you can have five year contract or ten year contract. And the reason why I like the contract is because you get a choice to renew it. Right? So if I'm, if you, if we're like, you know what, let's just do it. Let's do a five year contract and we're three years in and you're like, hey Brian, do you, where are you at? You feel like you, like you would want to renew this contract? I could be like right now. And so I think knowing that there's this termination, there's this possible end. But we could keep renewing it, right? We can always keep renewing it. So just, just something to think about. I don't think it's a terrible idea. The divorce rate is 50, so it's not gonna, I don't think it's gonna screw things up.

Yeah, I'm not, I'm gonna, I'm gonna hold off on the decision on that. But I do think if we thought about our marriages and our personal relationship as something that is not guaranteed to last forever and is not always guaranteed to be there and that is as important as your bank account or your job.

Looking to get out there and feel the in your hair. Chevy EVs have you covered like the Blazer EV with bold style that's sure to you away and with Silverado EV towing is a breeze with the capability to hitch up and tow with ease and Equinox EV helps you keep moving along like with confidence. Chevrolet together let's drive.

Forget everything you had planned for this weekend because you are sitting on your couch and winning from the comfort of your own home. I'm here with spinquest where you can play hundreds of slot games, all the table games you love and you could even win real cash prizes. New users $30 coin packs are on sale for 10@Spinquest.com SpinQuest is a free.

To play social casino void where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details. Performance and that you looked at it every day at least every week of how are we doing? What's happening? What can I do? Like how am I showing. We talk about it all the time. Like how am I showing up for my job? How am I showing up for my goals? How am I showing up to take care of my body and my mind? Are we putting Relationships in there are you really?

By the way, we only have two years left under a contract.

It's like a job performance review. Okay, we didn't mean to make this a relationship, but I do have to just throw this in. I think one of the things about long marriage is that it does force you to. The fact that you are committed and there is that safety allows you to really be your own lazy self and have to be confronted by it. Like I believe marriages and relationships actually are supposed to help accentuate and bring up our level. Like we're supposed to reveal where our weaknesses are and help us build them in a partnership. And I think we have to look, in my opinion, I think we look at relationships as a tool to really refine ourselves. It's not the other person's responsibility, but just by proxy of being with the person all the time and getting that comfortable with somebody and that trusting with somebody, you're going to reveal your own insecurities, your own selfishness and your own space that you have to work on yourself. And I think if we looked at it in the recognition of that, we would probably have more successful relationships.

I think so too. Clearly everybody's going to walk away from this and they're going to go transform their marriages or they're going to ask for a five year contract.

Just, just better communication, I think is what we need to walk away with today. What's our. Okay, so speaking of communication, you got a third. Okay, wait, back up. Because we get off on great tangents. Okay, what was one and two awareness?

That was earlier. So the framework awareness acknowledgment affects the three little takeaways that I really love is one, active listening from a place of curiosity. Two, ask more questions with depth and hold the space. That's the important part. Ask the question, hold the space, ask another question. It's a sandwich. You sandwich it with a deep question, hold the space, ask another follow up question. Boom, right there. That, that just that that got you a 10 year contract. The third one is have a servant's mind. Now I came up with this because I'm actually reading Servant Leadership which is just written in the 70s. Brilliant for him to greenleaf to approach business from this mindset ahead of his time. But I think that taking that model, that's how really we should be, how we should operate in our relationships.

First.

And I have some friends who literally, they wear that hat so well and I look up to them so much. I had dinner last night with a buddy of mine who he just. That's how he leads. He's with his friendships, his. Everybody in his life. He comes from a place of discernment's mind and he's a beautiful human being for it. And I told him last night, I'm like, you inspire me. Like he truly. I feel like I am the lazy and lazy son of a. Just things that he does for people in the way he operates, in the way he. But it's. There's no ego. There's. It's totally selfless. It's. How can I help you? What can I do? I'm showing up. And even if he doesn't ask, he's going to show up anyway. So when my wife was dealing with her health issue, he literally came to our house every day. It was maybe a five minute pop in. Just totally just showed up, up and show up. Have a servant's mind just show up.

Yeah, yeah. That's hard to do. Do you think that's. Does that stem off of the book that you're reading? Because that was in the 70s, you said. Have you read Simon Sinek's the Leader Eats Last? I think it is.

No, I'm familiar with the title, but.

I've not read it. I haven't read it either, but I was just curious if it overlapped. So now I'm gonna have to. Now I have to go read.

I'm sure there's. He. Maybe he read something from the Greenleaf Institute. And here's again, this guy wrote this in the seventies. But you have. Remember, Servant's Mind is probably thousands of years old. Right. Who maybe even.

Right.

We could talk about all kinds of different philosophical things and religious stuff that, that dive into the servant's mind as a place to operate. But it's interesting because he wrote this in the 70s that was transforming the way leaders do business, way leaders lead their companies and stuff. And, and today he even brings up Sam Walton is. Incorporates that same principle and many other people, but still I liked. I just like the servant's mind. It just rang a bell. I'm like, we don't even talk about this hardly anymore. Like this is just say servants mind. It makes me feel better just even saying it. Like I want to be a. I want to be a better servant.

Yeah. Yes.

And there's your three takeaways.

I think that's. That last point is lovely considering how much the term. How much I don't love the term. This doesn't serve me. I get the premise behind it. I get the point behind it. I just think it's being abused like crazy. And I wish we would find a different way to say the things that build us up and move us forward, rather than what serves me. It's just a small irritation of my own personal.

We're never going to say that again. We're never going to say that in any podcast.

I just. There's something that really fires me up about it because I think. I think if we focus more on being in a serving place, we would be less worried about things and people serving us. And I wish I. I think if we would switch that around and it not be about the place or a situation or person, us, or creating a thing that makes us better or moves us forward, where we're like, take our own responsibility. Take your own responsibility for serving yourself. I get it. In the space of, like, toxic relationships, unhealthy spaces. What if it's creating a block for you or if it's beating you down? It's not helping you grow. But there is a space where. I'm sorry, but be the dandelion that grows in the freaking middle of nowhere in a barren, abandoned basketball court that it's just got this one dandelion growing up in the concrete. That's our responsibility. It's not our responsibility to look at what. What's placed around us to serve us. Like, just do your own frigging growing. Sorry. That's my.

Wow. This probably. Since I don't think we should do podcasts tonight, because I'm gonna go ahead and just tell it anyway, because it's a funny story. So you said serving a lot.

Not.

And we talked serving you and all this serving stuff. Did I ever tell you a funny story about my crisis when everything was being shut down in Covid. Did I tell you this? This funny, like, little business idea story?

You make me laugh all the time, so I don't know. Tell me.

All right. So it was when we were waiting for the governor's word on what was going to happen. And so I met with my friend Christy, and so we were trying to figure out. Because she has a small business, I have a small business. We're like, okay, so if they do this, we're going to do this. And so we're strategizing, like, all this stuff, and we're maneuver. Maneuvering, Right?

Yep.

And so then. Should I not tell it?

No. Yes, you should. I think it's. You should. I remember, though. Now I remember. It's funny. And then.

And so. So then we had it all figured out, and then all of a sudden it Changed and he went and shut everything down. So we were like, oh my gosh, the world's changing so we need to. Things are going to go back to the barter system. So maybe we had a glass of wine or something. This is maybe where some of this could happen, some of these ideas came from. But so we decided, oh yeah, things are going to go back to the barter system. And so we need to, to prepare for that. So I'm like, let's buy some web domain names. And so I love buying web domain names. And so we bought serving you. Serving me? I serve you. You serve me. The next morning I'm like, I think we just bought a bunch of adult based web names potentially. So I still own them. So if anybody's out there that is listening that really wants serving you serving me. I serve you. You serve me have 20 variations that I will be willing to sell for you.

Not okay. Not okay. We just went a wrong direction. Yes, I remember you. I remember you telling me this and me going. I could absolutely see how that that conversation happened.

It felt like a stroke of genius when it was happening.

So many good things came out of.

COVID Yeah, so many good things.

Okay, but okay, let's go back to where we were talking about conscious communication. Okay, so three takeaways. Okay, we got our great three takeaways. I wanted to cover just very quickly, just recognizing different types of communication styles. Right. And recognizing different people. So there's, there's the assertive communication, passive communication, aggressive, passive aggressive and non verbal. And we want to be more, I think for a healthy communications, we want to be more in the assertive style and assertive, not in domineering or controlling way. That's more of the aggressive. Right. And then we don't want to be too passive because a lot of times if people are overly passive, those are the people pleasers or people are afraid to speak their mind who, you know, maybe getting a little controlled by other people, but not able to make their own needs expressed. And then the passive aggressive, that's more of where you're coming through with. They don't come right out and express what they're feeling, what they're needing. So they're not really being clear, but they'll say it indirectly through sarcasm or a little insults and just under, under the radar a little bit so that they don't have to feel responsible for actually saying what they want. Nonverbal. I think we all get that, right? Facial expressions, body language and tone of voice, not so much through their words. But if we can tend to be more into the assertive, where you respectfully can express what you want or what you're feeling and being responsible for that, not placing responsibility on somebody else for what you're feeling or what you're seeing. In communication style, those are the four basic communication styles. I and I bring those up because I think if you are aware of the different communication styles, you can put yourself in a sec, self check and ask yourself, where am I at today? Where am I communicating from? But also recognizing this, the communication styles of somebody else that you're in a communication with to assess, where are they coming from? Is this productive? Is this me? Am I not communicating well? There are some times where you just have to walk away from a conversation and recognize it just wasn't a good place to try to talk to that person. So obviously, if they're aggressive and passive aggressive, you could just be like, I'm out. Have a good day. Smile and wave. I say smile and wave.

Smile. I feel like if you're married to somebody who's aggressive, passive aggressive and non verbal, first of all, that would be a challenge if non verbal and aggressive. But five year contract that happened, that.

Would be aggressive conversation right there. If they're aggressive and non verbal. Okay, let's rain it back.

All right. I think. Do you think they got the point?

I don't know. Yeah.

Our listeners, do you think, are you conscious of your communication styles now?

What can we do tomorrow to have better communication with the people around us? How can we be more conscious in our communication?

That's a really good point. To ask a question. To ask your morning questions. What a great one to add into your morning questions after this. A good job, Amy.

Yeah.

Bringing it home, baby. Bring it home.

How do we show up better? How do we show up more authentically open to listening, engaging with another person, listening, asking questions, caring, being truly curious about another person's life? Yeah.

I love it.

Yeah. Disengaging from our curious.

For the people in my life today.

Yeah. Disengage from your own stuff for a little bit. Yeah.

Take a vacation from it. That's actually nice. Like, I don't. I'm not gonna listen to the voice inside my head all day long. I'm just gonna be aware and just be curious and listen. That's what a nice break from stress.

No kidding.

To solve anything. Just gonna take the day off.

Off. Great. All right, all right.

This has been fun, Amy. This is fun. So do we got. We're good. Good.

I think we've covered it all. We've certainly, I think ending. I think we're ending on a really good note.

All right, all right, all right, all right. I appreciate you Amy. Thank you everybody for listening. As always, share the podcast with as many people as you can and give us a review on Apple or Spotify.

All right, thank you. We appreciate everybody out there. We hope that you understand our humor. Thanks Brian, as so entertaining.

Bye Bye Amy. Bye.

Hey friends, thank you for tuning in to the All Things Good for you podcast. Please note any information, experiences, ideas or opinions discussed today are for educational and thought provoking purposes only and not intended as medical advice. If anything piqued your curiosity, please consult with your doctor or personal medical professional. And if you're enjoying All Things Good for your podcast, hop on over and leave us a five star review so we can continue delving in and providing great content. Thanks again and we hope you are inspired to stay informed and responsible along your health and wellness journey.

Looking to get out there and feel the in your hair? Chevy EVs have you covered like the blazer EV with bold style that's sure to you away and with Silverado EV towing is a breeze with the capability to handle hitch up and tow with ease and Equinox EV helps you keep moving along like with confidence Chevrolet together Let's drive.

Forget everything you had planned for this weekend because you are sitting on your couch and winning from the comfort of your own home. I'm here with Spinquest where you can play hundreds of slot games, all the table games you love and you could eas even win real cash prizes. New users $30 coin packs are on sale for 10@spinquest.com Spin Quest is a.

Free to play social casino void where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details.