Dating Pitfalls of the Smart and Successful Woman - Get Your Guy Podcast S1 E2

Hey girl.

Welcome to the get yout Guy Coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively, and understanding men so that you can, you guessed it, get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life?

Alright, let's go.

Hey, girl.

So in today's episode, I'm going to give you a sneak peek into a private webinar that I did for Grid 202 Partners based in Washington, D.C. and North Carolina. Grid 202 Partners really serves primarily successful female clients and many of them being women of color. So it was a perfect mix for me to really talk to them about everything that I know. Dating, relationship, love and men related. So the firm works with medical practitioners, attorneys, corporate executives, professional athletes all around the world. What I love about the heads of the firm, Keith and Camila, is that they serve their clients holistically, just like I do. Now in this session, I'm going to give you all my tea and exactly what I told them about everything that I knew related to the dating pitfalls of the smart and successful woman. I hope you enjoy it.

My name is Anwar White. I am the founder and creator of get yout Guy Coaching. And one of the things that we really focus on is making sure that smart and successful women have a strategic plan on how they're going to find love. Right. So you're not just kind of happenstancing cute rom com meetups with men. That's really not how reality happens. Especially now with so many online apps and globalization. You need to be much more strategic in the way that you look for and find love and how you actually participate in it. And so just a little bit about how I got started. I went to business school a long time ago and I would catch up with all of my friends, my smart and successful girlfriends, and they were still looking for love and they were having a lot of difficulty. And me being the type A kind of person that I am, I told my girlfriends I would say, okay, well, I'm going to help you make this happen, right? I'm going to take over your love life for a hot second. Right? So you know, it meant talking through whatever was holding them back internally, right. As well as making sure that how they're representing themselves, not just like with online dating, with amazing profile pictures, with an amazing profile that stands out and that is not super bland as well. As how to really approach the first date so that it's amazing and you get a variety of second, third and subsequent dates, Right. So that you can actually be in a place to actually have an exclusive, committed relationship, which for most of the women that I talk to, is their desired outcome. You know, this work is really personal to me. My grandmother was married three times, my mother was married three times. My sister just got divorced and with my help got remarried. Right. So specifically with black women, sometimes it can be a little bit harder to really find that forever plus one. And so I wanted to mention that because this is something that's personal to me and my heart, and it's a huge passion of mine just to empower women, but specifically Black women. Roughly 91, 92% of women that I work with get into healthy relationships, exclusive relationships, within three to six months after working with me. And then around two thirds of women are engaged within two years. So I'm happy about that and I'm excited with the women that I work with that are really, really ready to take this plunge and really focus on it the way that they probably focus on their careers, because it needs to be a priority. If that's something that you really want to do, awesome.

And I can't wait for you to elaborate a little bit more on healthy. Right. I think that's a really important part, part of that statement you had with healthy, exclusive, long lasting relationships. Those are the keywords that I just heard just now. So when a woman is single and I'm going to use myself as a guinea pig here, Anwar, Right, okay. Is you say, all right, I'm single, what am I looking for? And then you do the list, right? You write your list down of all the things you want, right. And I've been teased about my list, Anwar, like, oh, you're too specific. And, you know, he must be 6 foot 2 or, you know, all that good stuff. Right? So can you elaborate on the list that we should be or should we have a list or not have a list? What is your guide for successful women?

Yeah, so what I generally find with my clients is that they have a list and usually it looks really good on paper. Right. That list generally happens and is created when they're teenagers in high school and they haven't necessarily upgraded that list to be in their grown woman status. So one of the things that I like to do with clients is really focus on just stepping back. I'm a numbers guy, so for the women that I talk to, right. They're saying, I want a Guy with a graduate degree. Okay, well, only 13% of guys have graduate degrees. I want a guy that's six feet tall or taller. Okay? That's only 15% of guys out there, right. The average height is five, nine. I want a guy that makes six figures. Okay? There's only nine percent of that guy. Right? And if we're thinking about men that are 30 to 50 years old, it's only 40% of men. Right? So if you do the math, that's 0.7% of men that you're actually looking for. So when you tell me, based on your list that you're having a hard time finding these men, I believe it because it's less than 0.1%. And that's not even taken into consideration that that 0.07% is going to be feeling you.

So I want us to really think about this list in a completely different way. Right? And I have a ton of exercises in my program in terms of how we do this, but generally my clients are really focused on is how does he treat you? Right? Does he treat you like a queen? Right? Because I want you dating not for now. I want you dating 10 years from now and 40 years from now when you're retired. Because when, when you're retired, it's not going to matter if he has a six pack. His height is not going to matter at all. Does he take care of you? Does he listen to you? Is he honest? Is he considerate? Is he kind? So I always say, like, we just really need to break it down to like three to five must haves. Right? And those should really be focused on how he really treats you. Right. I have an acronym, ha. Honest, open minded, considerate and kind. If he kind of checks those off, give him a chance and date him a little bit. Right again. Honest, open minded, considerate and kind. People sometimes ask me, well, why does he need to be super open minded? Because when you guys are going through conflict, you want him to be able to have an open mind to understand your perspective. Right? And you don't want to be fighting and butting heads with somebody that's not going to be able to be listening to you and what you have to say. I hope that helps kind of clarify like the list, because I think it's something that really kind of hinders a lot of women from love. And what I've also learned is that as cliche as it sounds, love comes in a variety of different forms and packages. And the person, the man that you think that you're going to be with or the idea of that man is going to be probably completely different. I'm not going to say it's always the case, but I'm going to say, you know, I have women that say, oh, I would have never married a guy who didn't go to college, right? But yeah, he didn't go to college because he got his skill doing plumbing and now he owns his own multimillion dollar plumbing service around Los Angeles. Right. So really thinking about that list in a completely different way is going to be so important. And I just want to kind of add on to that because I want to give all of your clients and prospective clients a lot of clarity here. The way that I also think about that is think about your list. It can be 20 different things, 100 different things. Your potential mate will probably check off 13 of those things. Right? And that should be okay. What I want you to really focus on is what you really liked and you didn't like about your exes, right? Because we don't really think about that. We just think about what we want on this ideal list, but we don't think about doing a deep dive into our past relationships to understand. Actually, you know what? I really like that he would take me on surprise vacation. Oh. I actually didn't like the fact that he had a great job, but it meant he had to work 100 hours a week, so I never got to see him. Right. So really thinking about it in real time about what you really want and don't want is going to be really important. Another thing that I found in terms of really focusing on what to look for, because it's going to be different for every woman. I don't want to get all, you know, psychological here, but you've got to really step back and think about your relationship with your parents and what need has not still been fulfilled within that relationship. Because that's what you're looking for in your relationships and that's what's going to make you feel safe and home. So for me personally, right, I had a father that abandoned me when I was quite young. So for me, someone who was reliable and always there for me meant the world. So when I had somebody that was calling me every day, and when I called them, they called me back. It was everything, right? But that's going to be different for every individual. So that's something that you want to think about on a personal level so that you're realizing that, okay, that should be kind of your major thing because that's the thing that's going to make you feel safe and whole. Okay.

So when you think about.

When we're looking, oftentimes we look for a clone. We look for someone like us, but a male version of Camila. Right. You know, similar. And for some of my friends on that, that probably sounds very scary, right? But we look for a male version of ourselves because we look for people that align with our value systems, our wants, our needs, our ambition. Can you share with us, like, what are the positives or negatives of finding someone that's very similar to you? And what mistakes do you see women make when they do that?

That's something that is so hard for smart and successful women, right? Because they work so hard and they're on their game, and they want somebody that is working just as hard and that's on their game as well. Everyone lives their life completely differently. And unfortunately, men don't date like that. Men are not dating for their clones. Right? You're dating for your clone. Potentially. A lot of my clients do, but that's not how men do. The way that men date is they're focused on women. That. And I have another acronym, right? I gas them up. That make them feel good, that make them feel accepted, and that make them feel strong. Gassing them up. So that's why when you see women that haven't accomplished half of the things that maybe you have or your strong friends have done, they're making that man feel good, accepted, and strong. And that is really what the men are focused on. And I don't write the rules of the game. That's just how the game is written.

Right? So that's what I tell a lot of my clients. Because I think it's really important to really understand kind of this game of love and how relationships are actually formed. I think that men want to be impressed by their women, by the women that they date and that they eventually marry. But whether you got a graduate degree or not is not gonna necessarily. Like, those kinds of accomplishments actually don't really impress them. You know, I think it's great. I think men will obviously acknowledge it and think, wow, okay, that's great. But it's not. It's not like a. Okay, now I have to get to know her. Those things are not a huge priority for men in general. Right. But I think that that hurts a lot of women that I talk to because they're looking for the guy that went to business school just like they did the guy that works in finance or consulting or is a lawyer, just like they are. And men don't want that because men go to work all day and work with people that are just like him, right? If he's a lawyer, he's working around all lawyers. And when he comes home, he wants something different. He wants.

He wants an escape from that conversation at lawyer talk, right?

That and he just wants variety like all of us do, right? If he's doing something all day, he doesn't want to have to do the same thing all night or it feels like he's at work all the time, right? So that's why this, you know, this huge kind of difference and I talk a lot about masculine and feminine energy and stuff like that is so important. And to be able to step into that so that you can give him a different flavor of what his everyday looks like, because that's where he's going to feel safe and that's where he's going to feel at home and not at work.

Like masculine and feminine energy, right? And I know for a lot of the women on this call, you know, we are the boss. We're the boss at work, right? We, we tell people what to do, we run things, we manage budgets, we manage funds, we manage projects. And then to your point, how do you come into your home and then take that away and then, you know, put the gas hat on and making sure that your man feels good, accepted and strong. So what are your thoughts on how women, like, how do we make that transition for a successful relationship?

So if you talk to dating coaches and relationship coaches, they're going to have a variety of different ways that they think about it. I always, I want to empower the women that I work with. And so I don't ever want women to feel like they have to be something, right? If you are comfortable in your dominant masculine energy and you want to run things and you want to boss things at home, do it, girl. Do it right? But don't expect to be with a masculine man, and the majority of men are masculine because they're going to either be emasculated by that, right? Or you're going to want to compete and you guys are going to be bumping heads, right? So understand that if you stay in your masculine, then you're going to have to be looking for a different kind of man if you want the relationship to work, right? Someone that might be a little bit more cultured, a little bit more chill, right? Maybe introverted or shy. Like, just think of, like, engineering types. So when I think of like, you know, a masculine energy, dominant masculine energy, I think of Serena Williams, and she is married to the co founder of Reddit, Alexis Ohanian. Super chill, super great guy, but she runs things, right, and she just stays in who she is, and I think that's great. On the other side, when we're thinking about, like feminine energy, right, I think of like a Meghan Markle, right, Princess, and how you never really hear her talk a lot, but she actually runs everything through her dominant feminine energy. I mean, she got the prince to leave his family and leave the country for her and what she wanted to do. There are three different levels of feminine energy that I'll talk about a little bit. So the lowest, I say, is that feminine energy, where sometimes women feel like they have to lose all of their boundaries and just kind of submit to men, and then they get clingy and naggy and they want to mother men and stuff like that. And guys are super turned off by that. And that's not hot and sexy. And they'll take advantage of you because you let them. And I think a lot of women actually fall into that, unfortunately. And then I have kind of the middle tier, right, which is that I don't need a man. I'm super independent. I can do everything by myself, right? Which is a lot of different bosses out there because they are generally doing things all by themselves for the most part. And I want to say specifically to women of color and black women, this is even more prevalent because unfortunately, sometimes that's had to be the case. And the things that you've seen, single black mothers and things like that, that has been your role model. So that is what you see. So that is what you know for a lot of black women growing up. And so unfortunately, what happens is that if you can do everything by yourself, then there's no space for a man to be able to do anything for you. So then the man doesn't feel like he's needed. And ultimately, men just want to please the women that they love. They want to adore her, they want to cherish her. And so if you're not giving them the opportunity to do that, then they're going to just find someone who will. And then this third kind of feminine energy that that girl has that gets all the guys that are sprung on her is that she knows that she can do everything on her own, right? But she lets him do things for her so that she has a little bit less of her plate. But also he feels like he's contributing to her and he's pleasing her. That is the. That's the yin and the Yang, the masculine, the feminine, working at its best. So I say this because a lot of my smart and successful clients have a really hard problem asking for help or letting people do things for them, because that's kind of a sign of weakness. You know, if you're thinking about being in the office, you want to do all the work because you want people to see you and value you. And that really drives a lot of success, career wise and even life wise, right? If you say, okay, I am going to run a marathon and I run a marathon and I'm amazing, that's great, without anybody's help. That's why the smart and successful women have sometimes trouble finding exclusive, committed relationship with men, because they're not able to let that masculine energy really do what it wants to do. So just to kind of step back a bit, because I've talked a little bit about masculine and feminine energy, I want to talk about what that really is because sometimes there's a little bit of confusion about that. So masculine energy is really driven by the action. If you're a boss woman like you are, you already know this. Everything is about doing. So it's about thinking right instead of feeling. It's like, I want, I produce, I perform, I problem solve, I give or provide. And oftentimes a lot of women, what I see is that they're giving thinking that they're being feminine and nurturing. But giving is actually a masculine trait as well. So when you're giving, you actually don't give a lot of space for the man to give. Now, I want to kind of clarify that.

Masculine energy should be giving first and you should be giving in return. I don't really recommend women to give first because then you're not giving the man an opportunity to really kind of be chivalrous in a way. And a lot of men want to save the day, right? They want to be the superhero. The feminine is driven by feeling right about relationships. You know, I feel the power of the feminine energy is really being able to accept, accept and reject anything that the masculine energy gives. And that's what where the true power is, right? Because men can do and say and whatever they want to do. And your power is to say, I accept that or I reject it. And it's so powerful. And I say this to say men get rejected a lot. So they're actually more sensitive than we think that they are. Especially nowadays. A lot of men are not really in real life coming to women and trying to approach them and pick them up one, because a Lot of women are rejecting more. So, and then now, because of the Me Too movement, there's a little bit more of a sensitivity around that. So I always recommend for my clients to really do a lot of their work online. Obviously offline is great too, but it can't be your sole way of trying to find a man because there are a lot of things that are preventing that from happening as much as it was even 10 years ago.

So part of it is, I think for women, and I'll speak for myself and others, it's hard to be vulnerable though, right? So even the men are scared of being rejected and women are scared of repeating past relationships, right. And repeating the hurt they experienced. And that creates that wall, right? So we want to be open and receiving of men that have interest in us and just have that dialogue. But how do we remove that wall?

So that takes work, right? That takes true healing. And unfortunately, a lot of people don't really know how to heal on themselves. I mean, you'll probably hear a lot of different people saying, you know, I'm working on myself, I'm working. And so a lot of people just don't really know how to do that. And instead, actually what they do is they either just make themselves really busy, right? They lean into work or. Which doesn't.

You and everybody else, right. Or they'll just avoid. Or they'll do what I call short term kind of relieving experiences, which are, I'm going to shop, I'm going to eat, I'm going to go out just to avoid the actual healing. If you really are interested in the healing work. And that's part of my program too. It's actually at the very beginning, because you have to heal from all of your past relationships. And even you have to go back to childhood, right? Especially as black girls growing up, there's probably a lot going on that hasn't been processed yet. And so we go through that because it's so important to be very clear about that and be able to be okay with your past and accept it and accept the players in it. Important piece is to realize the last guy isn't this guy.

So to actually kind of treat him as such is unfair, both for you and for him. And so every new person is a completely new slate. And oftentimes women will have that wall up of vulnerability. And being in your feminine is about vulnerability. It's about being open to be able to accept or reject. So if you are a woman that is choosing her dominant feminine energy in her romantic relationships, vulnerability is going to be so important and so key. Unfortunately, oftentimes what I do see is women that are, let's say, too vulnerable or too hot, right? So they're overly sexy and sexual, and then. Which means that they have no vulnerability walls, right? And then men have no respect for them and will do whatever they want, or, which is more the case for the women that I work with, that they're too cold, right? So the walls are super, super high, and it's like, businesslike. So if you're ever on a date and you're asking him questions like it's an interview, 90% of the chance, you're probably not going to have a second date, right? Walls are too high. And for good guys, they don't want to have to prove themselves because they just live their life and they're not trying to do too much or too little. They're just being them, right? Because they're confident in who they are. So if you have these walls and you're expecting all of these men to jump over them just so that you can trust them, that's not a recipe for success, unfortunately, right? You have to be open to each and every guy, right? Especially when you're dating. Because oftentimes, right. That first date actually doesn't really mean a lot because you're nervous and he's nervous, so you're not really getting to know each other. I generally tell my clients that you'll get to see who that guy really is by date three.

Right? So the guys that you're like, I guess, okay.

Maybe give them another chance, right? Give them a second date. Because between date two and three, he doesn't feel rejected, right? He feels like, okay, I'm going on another date, so I have more confidence, and so I feel more confident to actually show who I am, right? And so you get to get to know who this person is and not just, does he have brothers and sisters where he went to school, and X, Y and Z. So when I'm talking about vulnerability, and I just want to clarify this, it doesn't mean that you're telling your secrets or anything like that, right? It's just. It's not about being too hot and about being too cold. It's about just being warm. It's about smiling and asking questions and having fun and joking and having some wine and chilling out. I always say this, and it sounds so weird, but I think when women actually start to date, they start to get it. I say, you know, when you're hanging out with your grandmother and she's telling a story. And the way that you're looking at her, that it's just this warm feeling of just pure acceptance of love. That kind of vulnerability is what I'm talking about. Because that is the kind of essence that men are going to feel. And they're going to feel gassed up. They're going to feel good, accepted, strong, Right. They have your attention, that you're commanding it. So that's what I have on vulnerability.

So to your point earlier of that second or third date and what we're gauging often is compatibility, right? Are you compatible versus when you first meet them? It's the chemistry, right? Like, I think we all, you know, I love a good rom com, I love a good JLO movie, and I want my shoe to like drop in the middle of the street. And then no girl pediatrician comes up.

Oh, girl.

And then we're dating forever. We get married. Right. So can you share, you know, how should we rethink this whole compatibility versus chemistry when we're, when we're dating?

Yeah, I think that you're not alone when you say that. Right. I think that women are brought up to believe that if they do have butterflies, and that's a really great sign, I would actually challenge that and say, if you feel 100% comfortable with this man, you're not going to feel butterflies because it's going to be so natural and you shouldn't feel that way. So this chemistry thing I want to debunk because chemistry actually leaves a relationship between months 18 to 24. So after that, if chemistry was everything that you guys were hoping for, it's out. And then you got to figure out if you actually like this person, right. And like, you can deal with them if you're compatible, if you want the same things, if you live the same way. Right. If you, if you have the same hours, right. If you want to build together, which for my clients is one of the most important things, obviously with your business, it's about building and creating those sorts of generational, that wealth and also generational wealth, right. So understanding what that looks like and if your dreams are aligned, right. And what sorts of steps that looks like for each person. Because there are women that say, you know, I want children right now, and there are men that say, actually, I want to really buy that second house or I want to buy a house right now, and I need a couple more years to make that happen or whatever it may be. So. But it's important to realize that you should want the same things in similar orders or have a man that's open minded enough to want to have the same order that you have. Right. In terms of compatibility, if you have a 9 on a scale from 0 to 10, and this guy's a 9 on compatibility, but like a 6, 6 in chemistry, you're good. Because chemistry will grow, right? Once you start to like this person and live for him and the vibe is great that chemistry goes. That's why sometimes you'll see really attractive women with these guys that are kind of just average because that chemistry has actually grown in a way that they both think that they are like the sexiest thing in this world. And so I think it's important to realize that if chemistry is everything that you're feeling, then you should go on more dates to figure out if it's just chemistry or if it's something more. And also if chemistry is everything that you're feeling, it's actually affecting the way that you think critically about some of these guys. So for some of the women that are on the call that have had really bad relationships, I want you to think back on when you first met the guy and if it was mostly chemistry that made you kind of lose your head and allow him to do things that from a head perspective you would never allow anyone else to do. But because you have these butterflies and because you were focused on the chemistry part, you allow your boundaries to get a little bit flexible and loose. And so that's why I'm saying, like, I'm not saying chemistry is nothing. What I am saying though is that I want you to prioritize compatibility more than you were doing in the past in a way that it's on par or a little bit more. Especially when you're first getting to know the guy that you're talking to. Well, let me just step back and say men see potential in women within the first five minutes, right? So they're going to know, am I going to give this woman the time of day? Like, is she potentially a woman that I would want to marry or not? By date three, he's starting to show himself a little bit. It isn't until date six or eight that he's going to feel like he wants to really move forward in a significant way. And I say this because I think it's so important women will. They're marrying him on the first date in their head.

Right? And he's so far off from that. But I'm saying we're doing this because of the chemistry and not necessarily maybe it's A mix of compatibility and chemistry, but because the chemistry is not helping us think critically. And for my boss, women out there, their head is the thing that got them to where they are. And so it's important to keep your head in these situations in terms of, is this man going to be a great father to my children? In terms of like thinking about compatibility and the life that you want to lead, not now, five, 10 years from now. Right. 20 years from now, am I going to retire with him in Miami? Would I be able to stand him.

In those kinds of ways? So that's what I'm talking about when I want women to really prioritize compatibility over chemistry. Is that clear?

It's crystal clear. And I am some things right now.

In terms of previous dates I've had before. So we've got some questions and I'm going to selfish first. Right? So for those women that are jumping into the dating scene after divorce, how do you get started? And then, you know, should you really start online first? Like, do you, do you encourage them to get their feet wet, just go out and be social, or do you just say go right to Bumble or Match or whatever online dating site you prefer?

The first thing I say that because divorce is very hard.

And it's not something that you just come back like a month or two months or six months from. Sometimes it's different for every woman. Right. And I think sometimes more so it's harder on the women than the men, depending on the situation. But so I would tell those women to really take your time because you have to heal from that. And if you have to mourn the death of the relationship in the marriage, and that's very hard to do because you're also mourning all of the dreams and the future that you envisioned with that person. Right. Everything was pretty much set, right. It was like Bible. Right. And you, you knew what the chapters were going to be. And you have to allow yourself one to feel that one to be okay and sit in that place, but also mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually detach from the identity of being a married woman. And that takes time. Right. It's not something that you're just going to. I'm just going to be dating now because I want to forget him, that's a recipe for disaster because you haven't healed. And so any of the mistakes that you have when you go in to dating as a wounded woman, you're actually going to be wounded even more because.