Relații toxice si NARCISISM | BOABE DE CUNOAȘTERE | cu Sara Al Madani

If you meet a guy after three days, he tells you, you're my soulmate. Get out of here. You don't even know what I like to eat. Red Flag. You're the only one I can be myself with. Red Flag. He's literally training you like a puppy. It's actually toxic masculinity to think that a man is a man. If he screams, he's strong, he's aggressive, he hits. Bullshit. It's all cultural programming.

Psychology tells us that we actually heal in relationship, not alone. What do you think about that?

I'll tell you something, Doc. You don't need a healer. You don't need a programmer. You don't need anybody. You are the medicine, the healer. You are the programmer. So they study you. They know what you like, what you think, and they become everything you want. They have a God complex. They think they're above the law, above everything.

But that. That can be a red flag.

Yeah, that can be a red flag. Let's have an honest conversation. How can I give while I'm starving? How can I say I'm good if I'm doing it to everybody, but not to me. So before finding the right one, be the right one. You're not a narcissist. Suddenly you become that. When you're young, you're prepped into being that.

But if you love him, won't you try to heal him?

No. Bullshit. You're doing this because internally, be chosen. I sold my soul just to be loved. I gave up everything to be loved. Mental abuse is worse than physical abuse. Create your own blueprint. Go live your life. It's not your job to fix anybody.

What are the top signs that are screaming to you that you're in a toxic relationship?

I'll tell you how it works.

Speaker and conferencia internationale coma fos conferencia de yeri formal festival of modern owners. Red flags. Cheroga Toxica. She desperate. Instrumental. Sara. Welcome to my podcast.

Thank you so much for having me.

Thank you so much for coming and taking your time.

I'm excited when they. When I knew you were a doctor, that left it all to do this. I'm excited. I feel like I want to interview you right now. Yeah.

So you came yesterday to Romania two days before.

Before yesterday?

Yeah. I saw your festival presentation of the Festival of Modern Owners. Thanks to them, by the way, for. For making this possible, this podcast. Very nice presentation. How do you feel in Romania?

Look, the minute I landed, I was in the car from the airport to the hotel. It's like a 40 minute drive, 20 minutes in, I was telling my best friend in the car, I want to move to Romania. He's like, you're crazy. I was like, I love it.

You said that yesterday. But why?

It's energy. It's not. Okay, okay. For the eyes, it's very pleasing. It's so beautiful. People are nice, everyone's kind, but the energy in Romania is beautiful. The energy of the city is just unreal, you know? And we were passing through, like, some naturistic things. So it's so beautiful.

Yeah. Okay. So you've wrote this book? Yeah, yeah, I've read it.

Yeah.

It's a very nice book. 100 pages. And this is like a bullet point guide about the narcissistic people. Yeah. When we talk about narcissism, we can talk about woman and man in the same way. So before you came, I was like, first of all, I was astonished by the big public you have in Romania. So many, so many friends of mine are following you, and they are so.

Trust me, Doc, I was shocked.

Yeah.

I didn't know I was, like, loved so much here. I was shocked.

Yeah. So many people and so many public figures that follow you. And, like, this is one more reason that you could move, really, to Romania. I mean, you could work from here.

Say it one more time and I'll move. I'm just waiting for a reason to move. Yeah. And I love it here.

But I was astonished by the subject. I mean, I was really, I was really not aware that narcissism and narcissistic people are really a problem. But then while I was reading the book, I was finding the patterns from my past. I was seeing the patterns from the people I, I, I'm friends with. And they know they're in a toxic relationship, but they suffer there.

Yeah.

So is this really a problem nowadays?

Yes. So a lot of people who've never been with a narcissist, they always say, oh, why is everybody talking about narcissism? What's the big deal? Okay. You were in a bad relationship. Get over it.

Yeah.

No, you don't understand. When you're in a narcissistic relationship, you are in a relationship with a demon. And I'm not joking. So what happened to me? And it happened to me five times because. And I have full ownership and my issues.

Five times. You've been five times in relationships.

In relationships that. I was married twice also. So in these five relationships, I realized that they're not humans. And when I went through all of that and I survived, it And I healed from it. I took an oath and I said, I don't want anyone to go through this. No man, no woman. So I took it as, like, an oath to wake up society towards narcissism so people will not fall in that trap again because it's extremely painful and damaging. And it's like I always tell people, they. It's like they rape your soul every single day, you know? And it's not easy. It's not easy at all. And you see the. If you look at the COVID of the book, the design is Pulp Fiction. You know the pulp Fiction genre?

Yeah, it is.

Why? Because if I sit and tell you my story with my narcissistic abuse abusers, you will not believe. You'll think it's a movie. And the reason this cover looks like the movie, because every single one who has been in a relationship with a narcissist will tell you it was a movie. It was not real. It was like a Pulp Fiction movie. Weird, different, dark, demonic.

And it starts like a fairy tale. Yeah, of course.

It starts as. Like, you're not only fairy tale. It starts as your soulmate. Because they study you so well. So they study you. They know what you like, what you think, how you want things, and they become everything you want. But you're in love with a fiction character. That character doesn't exist. He's not even real. And I don't want people to think that this book is just about a woman who's been with narcissistic men, because narcissistic women are more dangerous than narcissistic men. So this is for both men and women. And I'll tell you something, Doc. Everyone is like, oh, my God, you know, the narcissist did so much to you, so they damaged you. They hurt you so much. Did you ever get revenge? No, I don't take revenge. Revenge is an algorithm in the universe. It's God's duty for us humans to do that for us. This is my revenge. This book is my revenge. It's to open everyone's eyes.

I love this perspective because, like, I love the fact that in the book, in the beginning, you say, this is not a. This is not a medical book. This is not a medical advice. This is just your experience. And I think we. We really need these personal experiences because we have medical literature. Yeah. So, like, and medicine is called narcissistic personality disorder. And this is a disease.

Yeah, this is npd.

Yeah, this is. This is a disorder. But what they realized reading the book and thinking about that. That there are kind of like being a narcissist can be a spectrum.

Right.

Because we all can have, like, narcissism as personality trait.

Yeah.

Like, if you just. Let's say if you like to take pictures of yourself. If you.

Yeah, but. But taking pictures of yourself is not narcissism.

I mean, you can have a healthy narcissistic trait when you love yourself or you take pictures of yourself, or you think you're better than you are. This is like a trait that almost everyone has.

No, see, the thing is, having a lot of people have narcissistic traits. It can be one or two. There are so many traits. For you to be a narcissist, you can't just have one trait. It doesn't work like that. You're not a narcissist. You're toxic. You know, a narcissist in the book, it shows you that it's an accumulation of traits that make you a narcissist. And there's the. And then there's types of narcissism. Now, if you have one of the traits, go seek help, Go work on it, because it's extremely toxic. You might not be as bad as a narcissistic person, but you're still toxic person. But taking pictures is not narcissistic at all. If I love myself and if I love to share things with the world and I take pictures, it doesn't make me a narcissist at all.

The. The tale of narcissist that was looking in the water. Yeah. In the water. And he felt in love with himself.

Yeah.

He was a narcissist.

Yeah. But it did. The thing is.

But he was. Was not a demon, right?

No.

Or he could be a demon in a relationship with somebody.

I don't think it's a mental illness. I. For me, like, it looks like a demonic possession. I swear to God. This is how it looks like. This person can't be real because when they get angry, their. Their pupils dilate, their eyes become black. They don't remember what they did. It's. It's completely. It's like something take over them, you know? But at the same time, like, look, we. I can say that I might have a trait before doing the work. You might have a trait. She might have a trait. But when we sat here, you told me something very important. You said when you read the book, you were asking yourself, oh, my God, am I a narcissist?

Yeah. I mean, and this is. I think this is a good question. For. For everybody that is listening.

Yeah.

Like, how can you find out. Look, like this is being mainly a medical channel. When we. When we talk about a disease or a disorder, we try to give instruments to people to heal themselves.

Yeah.

So I would like to change the perspective and maybe to ask, how can you find out that you're a narcissist? And maybe later we're going to come to the question, how can you heal yourself?

So to answer your question and to everyone listening, if you're reading the book or if you're. If you're. Somebody told you you are. Because the narcissist. When you're in a relationship with them, they tell you you're the nar. Narcissist. Yeah. Okay. If you ask this question, am I a narcissist? Then you're not a narcissist, because they do not ask this question. They think they're perfect. There's. I. They have a God complex. They think they're above the law, above everybody. And to be honest, you know, you're saying, how do people find out they are. They know they are narcissists, Know they're narcissists, and can they heal? No. I've sat with the experts of. Of the world when it comes to narcissism because I made it my. My job, my number one duty to learn so I can teach people about it, because I don't want anyone to go through it. I sa. With a lot of people. I listen to a lot of doctors who are specialized in npd. No, nobody healed. They've never had a case of a person that healed. And there's a guy online. I forgot his account's name.

He.

He's a like self. Like, he knows he's a narcissist. He found out from therapy and all that that he's a narcissist. And he says, we do not change. He says, I try and I try, but it. The. The evilness keeps creeping back to me. So that. But. But you started by saying the. The image. Everybody knows, the narcissist image of the. The painting of the guy looking in the water. The painting of the guy looking in the water. You said he fell in love with himself. No, because he did not have a mirror to see his truth. He saw his truth in that moment that he is a narcissist. You're not a narcissist. Suddenly you become that. When you're young, you're prepped into being that. And in that painting, the guy is not young. He's Older, so he already knew something was wrong. But he had to see the water was a metaphor for a mirror to show him who he really is. So he saw he was one. To be in love with yourself is not narcissism. I actually want people to love themselves. Because if you love yourself, you will not be with a narcissist. But sadly, when I was, I wasn't. I did not love myself, I did not respect myself. I had so many problems. And I cannot sit here and say it's their fault. I'm not going to play the victim. It's my fault as well. Because they show you the narcissist cannot act for long, three, four months, the mask drops, they stop acting. The person you met in the beginning disappears. Poof. He doesn't even exist. The real thing comes out, you know?

Yeah.

So the point is that he showed me who he was. Why did I stay? I have a problem. And if I keep saying him, him, him, him, I will not grow. But if I take that finger and I point it at me and I say, where did, where did I go wrong? What's wrong with me? Only then growth will happen. And for me to do this, I had to put my ego aside. Because everyone wants to be a victim. Everyone wants to be a good person. But when you put your ego aside and you look at your bullshit in the eyes and you say, bullshit, I have a problem. Yes, they're bad. I know they're bad people. Everything bad in life, they are it. But I have a problem. And that's the only way you can grow.

You said you've talked with some experts about narcissism. Is there something like that? Like experts in narcissism, what are they doing? Why don't we have a cure for that?

So the thing is, this is what, what's like blowing scientists mind away and doctors and therapists and all that. NPD till now is not even classified as a disease. Okay, so it's classified as, As a mental condition. Some, it's a. It's a disorder. Some people say this, some people say that. Now, when someone has adhd, okay.

Yeah.

They don't all act the same. Did they all act the same? Everyone acts differently.

Spectrum. Yeah.

Spectrum. No, but even if they're on the same part shade of the spectrum, do they act the same? No. Their personality creates different realities. They're different, but you can see something is wrong. Narcissists, they all act the same. For example, let's say a covert narcissist, this is one type of you know, an overt narcissist.

And I saw there's many types of narcissism. And in the book. Yeah, yeah.

So. So basically there are different types of narcissism and not they. Like, it's crazy because when you're an overt or covert or whatever it is all of them who are in that category act the same. The cycle is the same. The manipulation is the same. And this is why in my relationships, I was like, I feel like I'm with the same man. Just different bodies. The same person, but in a different body. Every time it's a different man, different body. So it's scary because if it's a disease, why does it act with the same symptoms? No, when you have a flu. I have a flu. You might have a fever. I don't. Right.

Yeah.

But why do they all act the same? Why do they all do the same thing? This is why to me in the book, I say it feels like a demonic possession. Like, it's scary. Something takes over these, these humans.

There's not only men. Yeah. There's women that are not narcissists. And like the studies say that it seems to be that there are more men than women.

Yeah.

But one of the reasons may be the fact that women can cover them. Cover the narcissistic traits better. No, no, no.

They both suck at covering. By four, three months, they cannot act. It falls. Everything starts showing. Even you see a glitch in them. Like, for example, they would smile and suddenly you see their eyes like this, staring at you. They cannot act anymore. They're tired because they cannot wear that mask for long. And plus, before they remove the mask, they test you. For example, let's say my non negotiable boundary is physical abuse. Because I was physically abused before. So if a man puts his hand on me, I leave. So what they do is they create this personality. Your Prince Charming, your soul mate. You're in love with them. And then what he does, he pushes you one time. He's testing your boundary and he wants to see, are you gonna leave or are you gonna stay? If you stay, he knows you're his, so he drops the mask. If you leave, he's like, oh, shit, I couldn't. I. I should have worked harder because she left, you know? So they test you. And when they. You pass the test and you show them that you are sold, you want to stay with them and no matter what, even your boundaries, you gave them away. That's when the abuse starts. That's when everything drops and the real show begins.

You've talked about that a lot of the times. And yesterday at the festival of the Mother Owners, you've talked about you being abused, physically abused.

Yeah.

And you open about talking about that. What did you learn from that? And why ask that? Because a lot of women in Romania are physically abused.

Yeah.

Like we have a lot of domestic violence. It's, it's emotional abuse, it's verbal abuse, it's physical abuse.

Yeah.

In a way. It's in, in a lot of parts and, and a lot of parts of Romania, it's something normal.

I mean, people don't, A lot of cultures normalize it. Yeah. They feel like because he's a man. Like, for example, I sat with so many moms and she told me, oh, my daughter's husband hit her, but it's okay. I mean, he's a man, he's stressed, he goes to work. Bullshit. Yeah, bullshit. And a lot of, a lot of moms that I know, they stopped being friends with me because they don't want me to convince their daughters or inspire their daughters to get divorced from their abusers. They walked away from my life. They're like, you don't talk to my daughter. I don't want my daughter to get divorced. I don't want this. It's so sad how a lot of people are so marinated in the culture that they put the culture higher than your mental health, your well being and all that. She wants her daughter to stay married to a toxic, abusive man because she doesn't want people to speak if she gets divorced. Oh my God, everyone's going to say, my daughter's divorce, everyone's going to say, who gives a shit? Who cares? It's your daughter. So a lot of people, even a lot of men don't like me because I opened the eyes of a lot of women and a lot of women don't like me because I opened the eyes of a lot of men and they walked away from relationships. So it's. Physical abuse is not okay. And my, my big takeaway from it, My advice for anyone who's being abused physically, mentally, emotionally, and by the way, mental abuse is worse than physical abuse. Physical abuse, it hurts, but the pain goes away. The body heals, right?

Yeah.

Mental abuse, it's, it's like, so your soul dies. So it's very painful and it's, it's. Sometimes it's not recoverable, you know? So my advice is if a man or a woman abuses you physically, don't ever, ever go back to that person, because if they do it once, they're going to do it twice. And it's not masculine. It's actually toxic masculinity to think that a man is a man. If he screams, he's strong, he's aggressive, he hits. No, it's not a really divine. Masculine is a man who is balanced between his feminine and masculine. He's in his heart, he's a good man. He's strong when he has to be, he's tough when he has to be. But he does not touch a woman, he does not beat a woman, he does not even insult or belittle a woman, because a woman brought him to this life. His mother is a woman, he has a sister, and I am someone else's daughter. So it doesn't know. If a man abuses you in Romania, to everyone leave that relationship. And I know, I'll give one piece of advice. A lot of women try to escape, and then they end up. I know a lot of cases where the women end up dead. You know, the man kills them because they escape them. So if you are with an abusive person that you know is a bit of a sociopath, that can hurt you physically, as in, like, kill you or. Or like, beat you to death, talk to someone about it. Don't be quiet. And I know that men scare women sometimes. And they tell them, if you tell anybody, I will hurt them, too.

The problem. The problem in Romania, in a lot of countries, is because we have this, like, let's say, gender stereotypes. Women don't work, so they don't have. They don't have where to live or what to do with their life. So that's a big. So the question is, okay, he's abusing me. I want to leave him. I hate him. But what can I do? I have no job, I have no money. What can I do?

You know, this is the wrong conversation. You know, what's the right conversation about this situation? It's not women sitting at home doing nothing. It's why is that woman sitting at home? And then when you go back, it's her mom. So women are the reason it's a man's world. Women are the reason women are not growing and thriving. I'll give you a very simple example. And I always say it in all my. My talks and my podcasts. The reason this is a man's world is because of women. I'll tell you how it works. You see a mom, she tells her son, you know, I love you. You're amazing. You're going to marry a Woman, she's going to sit at home, she's going to cook and clean and take care of your. You're going to go out there, you're going to become a king. Then she looks at her daughter and she says, oh, you're going to be beautiful. You're going to sit at home, you're going to marry a king. That's going to work for you. And you know, the conversation is not the same because she just told her son, you're going to get a maid, not a woman. She's going to cook for you and clean for you. She's not going to do anything. She's going to sit at home and then she tells her daughter, you're going to be a princess. A man who's going to work hard. The conversation is not the same. And then the man goes out, her son grows up, gets married, treats a woman like that, keeps her at home, makes her clean, makes her do things. And we say the man is bad. Yes. I mean, he's bad because he's not opening his eyes to the truth. But who made him like that? A woman. So we are a big problem. Women are the reason it's a man's world. We are giving birth to these men. Only when the conversation changes at home, things will change. And stop telling your daughters, you're going to be a princess. Sit at home. A man is going to come and take care of you. Because when your daughter is abused and she wants to leave, she's scared to leave because she has no money, she has nothing to do, she has nowhere to go. She's scared of society. The parents are going to tell her, this is embarrassing, this is shameful. Because the woman carries the guilt of leaving or divorce. We, the woman cares. The shame and guilt, not the man. It's okay for a man to get divorced, but culture says no for a woman. You know, if you're divorced, you're like, literally missing something. You're half broken. No, I've been divorced twice. I. When I walk out, I have a shirt that says divorce twice. I'm proud. Because there is nothing wrong with being divorced 2, 3, 4, 10 times. There's nothing wrong with that. If the pants don't fit, you return them to the shop and then you start a new story. There's nothing wrong with that. You know what's wrong with that? Culture. Culture told us that if a woman is married more than two times, there's a problem. If she gets married five times, she's weird. If she's divorced with kids, Ah, no one wants her. It's all cultural programming. And the problem, the problem is what is culture, Doc? Culture is peer pressure from the grave because the people who created the culture died and they're giving us peer pressure from the grave. And I'm satisfying people who don't even exist anymore. Why can't you and I create our own culture? How come they could? How come I can't now? So it's, it's like I think culture is co created and me at home with my son, we have our own culture. Yes, I love my culture from the uae. I respect it and everything, but I don't follow everything in it. I have my own culture at home. Me and my son, we have our own culture. What's wrong with that? Why am I not allowed to have that? Why am I following someone else's culture? And they're not even here anymore?

Well, I think we follow the culture because we want to be part of the group. Because genetically, if we.

I don't want to be part of the group. You want to be part of the group.

Your genes want you to be. So you have to outgrow them, like genetically 1 million years ago or 500,000 years ago, if you would have the gene. That's that. That says it's okay to not be part of the group. You will not pass the gene further away.

One million percent. Everything is passed to our DNA.

Yeah. So it's, it's kind of in our genetics to be part of the group. That, that's why, like I was listening for you yesterday and you said at the Festival of the Mother Owners that we don't have to please other people, but it's. We, we have to acknowledge it's hard to not please other people. Yeah, because.

But also you said something important. We are wired. We are programmed. Wired. We're computers. We're machines. Our body's a machine. The only thing divine about us is our soul. Right? We are machines. And just like I can decode and change a computer code to change anything, I can decode me.

You need a good programmer for that.

I mean, you are the programmer. You are the programmer. You don't need a programmer, so you don't need a healer, you don't need a programmer, you don't need anybody. You are the medicine. You are the healer. You are the programmer. And if you give that power away and you have that limiting belief, so if you tell me I cannot reprogram myself, I need someone to help me. I believe you. Because if this is what you're Telling yourself, then this is what's going to happen. I'm different than you. I believe I can do it, and you should believe me. Because whatever I believe happens in my actually.

What? That's what I mean. That's what a good shrink does, right? He makes you look at yourself. He makes you see yourself so you can heal from inside. He doesn't heal you. He just. Just shows you.

The shrink shows you full stop. And if he asks you to come back, don't go back. If, you know, if he made the unknown known, if he made the unconscious conscious, and he told you that's the problem, don't go back to their office again because then it's a business. So this is what I. What I don't. I love therapy. I love shrinks. I love any, any kind of healing system out there that can help.

Did you have therapy after divorce?

I tried it.

You try?

I tried it. But then.

Did it help you?

It helped me to know some problems I have.

Yeah.

But then I was like, what's the solution?

Yeah, okay.

Medication they gave me. I said, no, I'm sorry, I'm against it. So what's the solution? I asked again and they told me, come back next week. And every time I came back, they said, come back next week. Come back next week. Come back next week. So then I realized that if I keep going back, I'm not growing. If I take medication, I'm numbing everything. So. And look, I believe that I need tools. The tools are the shrink. The tools are the spiritual journey. The tools are the ceremony I did. The tools are all these things. But who does the work? If I give you tools, who does the work? You're the builder. You're the one that does the work internally. Yeah. So yes, shrinks are amazing. But for me, when I, when I went to a shrink, I real. I felt like I hit a brick wall and I couldn't go further. And then if you have self awareness and for example, you said, we're wired, we're programmed by DNA from generation. Yes, that's so true. But also your instinct, your free will as a soul kicks in every now and then. For example, if somebody says, oh, I know by culture and by programming I shouldn't be doing X, Y, Z. But then when I sit alone inside, there's a conversation that says, but why listen to that voice? Don't ignore that voice. Because we've been programmed to not listen to that voice. That voice is your soul telling you, hey, you know there's something wrong. You don't need to stick to that. Only the ones who listen and who give their voice, their soul, a voice are the ones that change. The ones who are like, you know, I always say our brains are like tofu, you know, whatever I marinated in, it becomes. It's as simple as that. If I marinated in culture, it becomes culture. If I married, it has nothing. The brain has no personality. It dresses itself with experiences. Yeah, yeah.

Look, like the psychology tells us that we actually heal in relationship not alone. But you don't need the other one to heal yourself. You need the other one to figure out what triggers you, what you have to work on.

Yeah.

What do you think about that? I mean, how does it. How that. Does that go hand in hand with healing by yourself?

I don't like that statement when you said we heal in relationships. It's true to a certain extent. But if I'm broken and I go and I meet the right man, the man of my. My soulmate, and I'm broken, I will lose the man. It's as simple as that. And I cannot bleed on the people who didn't cut me. It's not his responsibility. He did not create this. I came with this. I need to fix this. Then I need to go look for love. So before finding the right one, be the right one. Go do the work. Go. At least don't do all the work. Don't do all the healing. Do the basic healing so you will keep someone in your life. And when you attract your partner, you attract a mirror. And that mirror shows you your problems.

That's what. That's what this psychology says. Like when you attract somebody, you look at yourself in the mirror. So that can trigger some stuff you have to work on.

Totally. But it's unfair to know that you have some issues and you walk into a relationship with dirty shoes. It's unfair. You need to keep those dirty shoes outside. And that's the basic work. Do the basic work, then go in a relationship, and then you realize that you have still work to do. But when you're both healthy, mentally healthy, and you've done some inner work, then the relationship is easy for you to finish your healing journey together. But every person you attract in your life is a mirror to show you where you still need work.

Even.

Even the friends. Yeah, exactly.

And they say that you attract what you need to see. Like in the different moments of your life. Maybe. Did you think about that? I'm just asking. Maybe you've attracted narcissistic people because you. You needed to heal, to See, I was broken. Yeah, that's that. That's why it's 100.

And without these, these bad people in my life even. I had friends who were narcissists. I had business partners that stole my money. If I. And I'm so grateful to each and every one of them. I thank them. They're my masters, they're my teachers, because they came to teach me, right? But at the same time, when I had the self awareness, I told all my friends, I said, I don't want to date. I don't want to be in a relationship for at least two years. They said, why? I said, until I finish the work, okay? It's not fair for me to bring my trauma to. To a man's life and to hurt him with it. If I really, really want to love this man and give him everything, the best gift I can give him is to do the work for him.

So for me and for him, I think a lot of people that watching right now are. Are having this question, what was that work? Like, how did you manage? What was your experience?

So it's different. So the thing is, I cann do this, this, and this. And you will heal.

Yeah, exactly.

Because our experience, our traumas are different. Right? Even childhood trauma is different. But whatever it is, even opening Google and saying, how do I heal from trauma? Is a good start. You know, just go. And when you go and you start, you will find. You will find a rhythm that. So look, when you go on Instagram, if I right now go on your Explorer, I will see images of everything Doc likes, right? Everything you like. If you're. If you. If you like reading, it's all about books. If you like spirituality, you're expl. Or page is all spirituality. If you like bikini models. Bikini models, right.

I have. Oh, I have only natural disasters. I don't know why. See, like mountains falling, tsunamis.

Well. Well, that. That's what you're searching for.

What does that mean?

I know, but that's what you're looking at most of the time. So the thing is, the universe has the same algorithm. That's it. If I put an idea and I say I want to heal, the universe will bring everything that heals your way. Like Instagram, your Explorer page, your life. Life will be all people that are related to it. You will meet someone in a coffee shop and they're like, oh, yeah, I do healing. You'll meet someone online, Hi, I'm a coach. You'll meet this girl that will tell you, I'm healing right now. And you're like, wait, what's happening? It's because when you think of something, it comes to you, attracting it's manifestation, basically. So just writing on in Google, how do I heal from my traumas? I swear to God, it's a good start.

Okay.

And then, and then from there, wherever it takes you, flow with it. But I. The thing is, healing is not something you do when you don't have work on the weekend, when your boss is busy, or when your husband's out of town. Healing is something you say, hey. And I did the same thing. I told my mom, take my son. And I told my business partners, take the business for a while, give me a year. And they said, why? I said, because I need to be better for all of you. When I'm better, for me, when I'm better, I'm a better mom, I'm a better business owner, I'm a better investor, I'm a better friend, I'm a better parent. Everything. I'm better, everything. And thank God, they all said, okay. And I left everything. And I was gone for a whole year healing. And oh my God, I came back and I. My life changed completely. So it's not something you do when you have the time, it's something you drop everything and you make time for healing. It's either one day or day one, you choose. So. And you know, it's funny because when I went on my healing journey, I traveled, I traveled to, to Africa to do, to do a couple of healing ceremonies there. And I told my friends, come with me, because I know they're broken a little bit. I said, come with me. And by the way, there is nothing. And a lot of people say, I'm not broken. No one's broken. No one needs fixing. That's ego. Yes. We are humans. We're broken. Everything breaks, Everything gets fixed. And it's not the end of the world to say you're broken. I was broken and it's okay. So when I went, I told my friends, come with me. And a lot of my friends left their work, left their job. They were going to get fired. I swear to God. One of my friends, she's a lawyer, she was going to get fired from her job. And she's like, I don't care. I want to be better. You know, I have friends who left their children, their husbands, everything. They came with me. Then I had friends who said, I have a birthday. Oh my God, I have a birthday in Saint Tropez. I have to go. I can't. I know that person, it's not their time right now. So I left it, you know, and it's not. Not. It's not. I do it when I have the time. No, I make the time. You know, there is no such thing as the right time. You make the right time, so. And when you prioritize it and it becomes something so important in your life, just like you die for your work, you die for your business, you die for your kids, you do anything to become better in business. Better as a parent, better as a friend, better as. As an employee. Employee of the month. Be the heel, the healed person of the month. Take the time off and go do the healing. And only when you choose to do this. This is when you love yourself.

Yeah.

Yeah. Because flying, buying bags, buying cars is beautiful. It's fun.

Yeah.

Everybody loves these, these fun things, the 3D things. But the truth is that's not self love. That's entertainment.

And I love the way that you say that. It's like everybody heals differently. I mean, just take. You can even take one hour to walk in the sun, in the park.

Yes.

Without. Without nothing in your ears. Just thinking that that's healing like that, that can heal you. You start to think about things.

There is, there is not. There is no one modality for everybody. It doesn't work like that. Your childhood is different, my childhood's different. We cannot heal the same place.

So the lesson, like from your experience, the lesson is that, yeah, you can meet people. That shows you what is broken inside of you. But you need to find the time to heal yourself and to be. To become better for.

For also, you know, when we meet people, they become our mirrors. I told you in relationships, right? But if I did not know I had problems and I kept on dating or getting married or whatever, and they were always my mirror showing me it's okay. But when I start knowing, when the unconscious become conscious and I know I have a problem now, I should stop dating. I should not hurt anybody in the process of growth. If I tell you, for example, okay, I have trauma, but I don't mind dating. Let's date. Okay, let's go out. But I know I'm gonna hurt you in the process. It's not fair. How do I care about you if I'm bringing this to you? So. No, that's why I'm saying when you know you have a problem, take a break from dating. Like you take a break from the gym. Like you take a vacation from work, take a break from dating. You're not gonna die. It's so beautiful to be on your own. And when you heal, you will learn that solitude is so beautiful. And you only heal when you are in solitude alone.

Yeah, I love that. Yeah, it's like, like don't date just to heal yourself to come back better.

Yeah, because I'm using you. Because I'm using you. Because once I know I have a problem and I'm still dating, I'm using people to better myself. Not a good thing to do. They're. They're not opportunities or objects, you know?

Yeah.

But no, I. Once the unconscious becomes conscious and I don't have a problem, then I stop dating. I go do the work and then I become back because I cannot be broken and tell people, oh, I'm looking for the right man. Go be the right woman, then come have a conversation about the right man. You know, it's as simple as that. Be the right one before looking for the right one. And that's. I think that's the most beautiful gift you can give the man or the woman you're going to meet in your life.

And what's the one thing that you just don't allow in your life right now?

I mean, I have non negotiables, like I have, I have boundaries. I have negotiables, like things I might not accept, but we can talk, you know? Yeah, I'm open. But then I have non negotiable.

What are those non negotiables?

Non negotiable is a person who is not honest. Physical abuse, mental abuse, verbal abuse, any kind of abuse is non negotiable for me. I will not sit on a table to even listen to why you did it. I don't need to know why you're out of my life, you know, but.

If you love him or you think you love him, won't you try to heal, Heal him?

No, my job is not to heal my partner. My job is me. My job is to take care of me.

Because I found that in your book and you says that in the chapter when you talk about the signs that you're in a toxic relationship. And I would like to talk about that also. You say one of the signs is that you feel the need to heal him. And that is so. I mean, that is so. In a way, that is so human, Right? Because if you love somebody, you see he's broken, you feel the need to help him. Right. And I know a lot of people that are trying to help help the other one. Like, yeah, he's not answering my phone calls. He's gaslighting me, but he's ghosting me. But I want to help him. He's a good man, but he has problems. I want to help him. How can you break that boundary? And actually, probably you have to understand that you cannot help him.

Right? To be honest, I used to think people who wanted to help people were kind people. Until I realized and I found out that it's not coming out of kindness at all. It's coming from a place of zero kindness. I'll tell you why. When I want to help somebody and that person is broken and he hurts me, breaks me in the process, I'm kind to him. I'm trying to help who's helping me, who's kind to me? And if I'm neglecting myself, I'm a hypocrite. How. How can I say I'm kind if I'm kind to everyone, but not to me? How can I say I'm good if I'm doing it to everybody, but not to me? I'm a hypocrite. There's something wrong only when I am taking care of myself and then I take care of others, Then I'm a kind person. I am first. I take care of me first because I can't pour from an empty cup. It's as simple as that. It doesn't make sense. I'll tell you why. A lot of people who do a lot of good things when they're broken, they do it for external validation. They want people to think they're good. They want people to choose them, to love them. It all comes from trauma, people pleasing, you know, validation, external validation. Now that I've done the work, I'm still a kind person. I love being kind of. But my kindness has boundaries. I have self respect and I'm kind to me first before anyone else. And I said it. If you heard yesterday, I said something very important. I said, I never understood why. They always said, put your mask on first, the airplane, and then put it on others.

Yeah, that's true.

And I always told my. My healers, my therapists, and I said, yeah, but I want to help people. I want to help people. And then they said, you love helping people. I said, yes. They said, okay, if you help them, you save one life, then you die. You can't save others, but if you save yourself, you can save everyone else. So if you love people and if you want to give and help everybody, you have to help you first. And it makes a lot of sense. How can I give while I'm starving? How can I love while I don't give myself love? How can I help when I'm not helping? How can I help? How can I connect people and give them opportunities while I don't do it.

To me, a lot of the times, like, you don't realize that you. You may need that help. You know, I mean, with the mask is really easy. You have the mask or you don't have the mask. But when you're in a relationship, you. A lot of us, we think we're perfect. We have no problem. We have. We don't need to heal anything. And the other one has a problem, I want to heal him. How can we. Like, what are the signs? And let's talk about that. Like, what are the top signs that are screaming to you that you are in a toxic relationship? And how can you bring. Break that relationship? Because it's very hard. You think you feel like you're in love. You cannot. Yeah, you can't. Without that person, you have that codependent relationship.

Well, the thing is, when somebody says, I'm depending. I love them. I cannot live without them. Bullshit. You cannot live without water. You cannot live without oxygen, not without a man or a woman. Come on.

It feels okay. So you have to realize.

I'll tell you why it feels, doctor, and you would know this very well, because you are hormonally imbalanced. When. When. When you are with someone that. That takes you up and you feel, oh, my God, it's perfect. And they drop you down. They treat you like. Because they're toxic. And then sometimes they're nice. Sometimes what happens is your body releases endorphins, all these beautiful hormones, and then cortisol and. And adrenaline and all these things when you're down.

Actually, that's casino. That's what casino does to you.

Exactly. That's what drugs do to you. So when someone tells me, I cannot live without him, I know he's bad, but I feel like I'm addicted to him. I go, like, babe, go fix your hormones. Hormones, they're like, what? They are hormonally imbalanced. You sound like a drug addict right now. You're just addicted to a man or a woman. So when you fix your hormones, you balance them. You feel like, what the hell was I even thinking? Thinking of that. But back to the topic you said. You said, but how do I know if someone's broken or I need help? And when you are broken and you're helping others, it's called basically, you are. It's not. It can Be codependency, but also a trauma. Bonding. So I have a trauma, you have a trauma. You're toxic. I'm also toxic. Not to you, but maybe to myself. So the biggest thing, the biggest threat to a good person who wants to help everybody is that they're the enemy of no one, but they're the enemy of themselves. I hurted nobody. I was so nice and kind to everybody and sweet and all that. No boundaries and everything. But I never did anything for me at all. Zero. So I was a hypocrite as well. I was a toxic empath. I was not an empath because as I said, when you are a toxic empath with no boundaries, you're a house with no door. Would you ever buy a house with no door? Do you want to live in a house with no door?

Yeah, it makes sense. You said it yesterday. A house with no doors seems to be safe because nothing bad can go in, but nothing good can go in.

No. Yeah. I said when you build a wall.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. Bad things don't come inside. Bravo. But good things don't come inside. So instead of building walls to. To protect yourself, build a door, heal and build the door open for good things, close for bad things. But you will only have that discernment to know what's good and bad is when you do the inner work. As simple as that. I'll give you another example. You said there are women and men who. Their partners broken and toxic, but they want to help them. And. And you're being. You're getting the other partners breaking you in the process of you fixing them, right?

Yeah.

Okay. When you help, help, for example, hungry people in Africa or. Or thirsty people in Africa with no water, do you sit at home and don't drink water as well? You drink, right? Yeah, but you're helping in every way you can. But you're taking care of you. But why isn't relationship. It's not the same. Because if you were really? Because when you're helping someone in Africa, you're genuinely helping from your heart. Okay. You're not going to get anything in return right from them. But when you're doing it for someone, you're waiting for them to choose you. You love you. You're waiting for them to. To fill something broken in you, a hole in you. It's a transaction. It's not even pure love. When you're helping someone, when you're broken and they're broken, it's not pure love.

Makes sense.

Yeah, yeah. It's. You're using Each other, basically. He's talking. He's. He's evil. You're not, but you're still using each other. It's. It's transactional. So when people tell me, I'm here because I want to help. There are so many people in the world who need help, babe. Go on a journey. I'll connect you to organizations. You can impact the world different, differently. But fixing a man or a woman while you break yourself? No. Helping a man get fixed while you're broken, no. It doesn't make sense. This is all. And I love how people make it sound sweet, like, I want to help. I want to. I'm Bob the builder. I have the. The. The construction hat on. I want to fix everybody. No, you're doing this because internally you want to be chosen. Internally, you want to be validated. Internally, you want to show him you're a good person. You want him to love you. You know, we sell pieces of our soul just to be loved, and I did that. I sold my soul just to be loved. I gave up everything to be loved because I did not love myself. Because when you love yourself, you do not need anyone to supply you with love. You have so much abundance. And I say that right now. I don't need a man. I want a man. You know, I'm single, but I. I don't need a man. I want one. And if a man never comes, it's okay. How beautiful is life. How beautiful is my life? Look at me. I'm in Romania. I'm speaking on stages. I'm inspiring people. I've done the work. I. I go to nature. I'm connected to me. I have solitude. I have connection with divine. With God. So a man does not complete me. I.

You don't need it. You want. You want it.

Yeah, you. And if you. If you go to a relationship without abundance, if I say, I need you, it means, listen, I'm missing something, and you can give it to me. So it's a transaction, but covered in, like, ice cream and butter. I love you and all that. No, no, no, it's not true. If I need, it's a transaction. If I want, it's pure connection with you. So it's a big difference. Yeah. Game changer.

So, yeah, I try to find an instrument for the people that are watching. So if you feel that you need that and you want you. And you want to repair that while you feel you're broken, that's not a good.

This is.

This is the path to disaster.

Yeah.

You have a broken person and you have a narcissist, and they go into this like. Like one week fairy tale. Right?

Yeah. No, but. But also the thing is, if you want to fix someone and you're broken, and if you know you're broken, great. You know, step one, at least now.

We know that's a problem. Yeah. Knowing that. Yeah.

Yeah. But the problem is when you don't know you're broken and you think you're nice and kind and you want to help the world. You're not aware of your problem yet. But.

But that. That can be a red flag.

Yeah, that can be a red flag. But anyone you're with that you need to fix is a red flag. We are not. It's not your job to fix anybody. It's. It's their job to fix themselves. If everyone took that responsibility, we will not have a world filled with issues and problems like that and so much hate and so much racism and so much this. If everyone did the work, we would have been in a better place. But we're here trying to do the work for others. It's funny. I want to fix him. I want to fix her. I want to help him. I'm a good person. But you're broken. What are you doing? You're just. Just enabling them. You're not fixing them, but a lot.

Of people are doing the work right now. Because, like yesterday, Sala Palato was full of people. Yeah. Watching you and watching your speak. So people are trying to find answers. And look, reading your book, I found this. Chapter eight. Which name is the first conversation? What they always say, I may suggest in the next. Like when you edit the book, you can call it, like, the fairy tale destroyer.

Yes.

Because all of the things that the narcissistic man or woman will say are tales from. From fairy tales. Like what they say. I've never felt this way about anyone before. You're not like the others. I feel like I can tell you anything. You're my soulmate. We see that in fairy tales, and we love that. Are we somehow culturally programmed to look for a fairy tale?

Well, Disney ruined us. Disney ruined us. There is no fairy tales. It's love. There is no right person. There is no fairy tale. You create that with the person. You build that together. So there is no Prince Charming. Prince. It's all full of lies.

Maybe there is. I mean, I still hope that there is fairy tales where they meet, they're soul mates, and they live forever. They help each other.

But, you know, you know, how does your soulmate look like your Soulmate look like a person who's, like, broken. Did the work. You come together, you argue, you're trying to coexist, and until you found the sweet spot and you make it work.

Yeah.

Okay, Then there is fairy tales, but it's not the way they sold it to us. But, for example, this chapter. A lot of people told me. But everyone says these things. Yes. If your husband or your boyfriend of three years, two years tells you you're my soulmate. Beautiful. But if you meet a guy after three days, he tells you're my soulmate. Get out of here. You don't even know what I like to eat. How do you. How do you know? You don't even. You know nothing. You don't even know my dad's name. How the hell am I your soulmate? So this teaches people that if these conversations happens early in the relationship, red flag. When he tells you, I cannot. You're the only one I can be myself with. Red flag. He's trying to show you you're my comfort. You're this. He's. He's. Is. He's literally training you like a puppy. So, no, it's not from the beginning. It's scary. It's now. Before, I used to love it when someone says, you're my soulmate. Yes, I found it now, when a guy says, you're my soulmate on a date, I'm like, okay, I'm out of here. I'm gonna pay the bill as well. I don't mind paying the bill. I do not stay. It's not okay to meet someone after one week. Say, I want to spend the rest of my life with you and marry you. No, the hell you're talking about. I have traits. I have habits. I have. You haven't seen anything yet. How did you decide you wanted to spend the rest of your life with someone you met a week ago? It doesn't work like that.

Aren't you afraid that, like, the next guy you will met and you will date with, like, will be afraid he would be like, oh, my God, don't say these things.

Don't.

Don't say these things.

Like, yeah, my friends introduced me recently to somebody.

Oh, my God.

Yeah. And like, from, like. You know what? I think he hates me From. From day. From day one. First conversation, I looked at him, I told him, you have mother issues. He's like, what do you mean? I said, you have mother issues. So the thing is. Look, I'll tell you. I'll tell you how a typical date would go for me. Okay, okay. It's not, hey, what do you want to eat? No, it's. We sit and I tell him, straightforward, I'm 39 and I have a child. I don't have time to waste. I'm here for a short period of time. I might die today, maybe when I'm 90, maybe when I'm 100, but there's a probability I'll die today. Plus, I don't want to waste your time or mine. So I'm going to do you and me a favor, okay? Let's have an honest conversation. He says, about what? I said, look, this is my expectation. This is what I want in a man. This is what I'm looking for. Let's have it here. I want to get married one day. Not to you, but my end goal is to get married, to settle down. I want family, I want a daughter. I want this. This. Is this what you want? And some guys would say, oh, my God, what the hell? I just met you.

That's not your average date, right?

But. But that should be the average date. But the problem is, we date in a very toxic way as well. But, for example, some men would tell me, you're weird. Why would we have this conversation? Can't we have fun? No, because I have friends to have fun with. I have things to do. I have so many things. I don't need extra friends. I'm here because there is a potential. You might be a good man. So I don't want to waste your time or mine. So I have this conversation, and it's a filter. So if he. If the man is full of. He leaves. Actually, he cannot have this conversation. He leaves. But some men sat and had it, and they were good enough to say, okay, I don't want to get married. And it's beautiful how beautiful it is to sit and say, I want to get married. He says, I don't want to get married. I say, well, you know what? At least we can be friends. You know, at least we're honest. He's like, yeah, we can be friends if it's okay. How beautiful when honesty is on the table before the menu is, I love that in a date. And I save him time. I save me time. I save him money. We don't even need to eat in this expensive dinner, you know, let's save each other money. How? I swear to God, if people try it, it sounds very weird, but when you do it, you go home, you feel so good because, a, you did not betray yourself. You respected yourself. You did not betray the Person in front of you. You know, we all go to dates with fake CVs, we all pretend.

Yeah. In a date. Yeah, that's true. So I have two more short questions.

Yeah.

If a 16 years old girl message you or met you and say, she says, I want to be like you, just like you, what advice would you tell her?

The first thing I'll say is, you cannot be like me. You can be better than me. Why? Why do you limit yourself to me? You can be way bigger and better than me. So that's the first thing I, I tell anyone that comes who's young and they get shocked because you know, when I say you can't be me, they think, oh, ego. But then when I say you can be better than me, like, ah, okay, I get it. My, the thing is like, this is my story, this is my journey, you know, this is my blueprint. Create your own blueprint. Go live your life. We were born with a free will, not a permission slip. Forget me. Okay. If I inspire you, great. Now go find yourself. Because you can be bigger than me. You can be better than me. Don't limit you. Don't limit the universe from what it wants to give you. And say, I want to be like Sara. Say, sara inspires me, but I want to be me. I want to find out who I am. She inspires me to be myself. I don't want to inspire people to be like me because I am a byproduct of a different life, different childhood, different everything. But my job is here, even not to empower. I hate the word empowerment because it means give me power. I'm powerless. I'm not here to empower anybody. I'm here to inspire you. I'm here to show you you can. I'm here to show women and men that you can. As simple as that. And now go find yourself. Because when you go on a journey of curiosity, you will find out who you really are, are. But if you want to be another copy of someone in the industry that's doing well, it's not who you are. So my, my answer is be better than me. Go find what you love. Go discover, go on a journey. And you know what? The only thing that stops people from that self discovery journey is the fear of failure. And the fear of failure is also programmed. I don't look at failure as failure. I call it I either win or I either learn. I don't even say fail. You know, I hate the word fail. What the hell does fail mean? You never fail. Even if you don't win. You're still learning. And the reason I am who I am today is because I failed so many times. So it's a school. Failure is a school. It's like you're cooking something and one of the recipes are wrong. You go back and you cook again. You try again. So to me, failure doesn't intimidate me. And creativity means being okay with being wrong. And this is why my creativity is like you can smell it in the air. Because I'm not scared of being wrong. I don't care what you think of me. Yeah. So these two things are so important for any young person who wants to thrive is go out there, do mistakes. Learn, discover, live, enjoy. Don't exist. Please live. Because existing and living is completely different. Go do mistakes. And I always tell them, I dare you to go out there and get hated, because I'm hated by so many people. And I tell, and you know what? If you're liked by everybody, it means you're not real, because you don't like everybody. How does everybody like you? It doesn't make sense. That means every room you enter, you are. You are people pleasing, so people like you. But when you're authentic and real, you'll be hated. So I always tell people, I dare you to go out there and get hated. Because that's the only way you start living. That's the only way you. You breathe. You know, when, when you get rid of this, I want everyone to love me. Not everyone's gonna love you because you don't love everybody. What kind of is this? I want everyone to love me, but I don't love everybody. It doesn't work like that. Yeah.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah.

You said you have a child. A boy.

A boy.

How old is he?

Nine.

Nine.

Nine. But when you sit with him, he sounds like he's 900. He's such an old soul. He's my teacher. You have no idea. Children, I swear to God, if we take our ego aside and instead of saying, I'm the parent, listen to me.

Do what I want.

That's ego. Even the child has a free will. And you don't own the child. You brought the child to life. You're a portal. You don't own them. They have a free will. Just guide them. With my son, I guide him. And sometimes we sit. And my son would tell me, mom, you haven't seen your parents in two weeks. Let's go visit them. And the thing is, he's always. He always visits them. I'm the one who doesn't? Because I'm working, right? And I say, why'd you say that? He said, mom, because you need to see them. You never know when they leave. Nine year old, oh my God. Yeah, but, but he's such an old soul. And when you remove your ego and trying to control a baby and you sit it, you will see that they are your freaking teachers. They teach you everything. It's crazy. And they say, you know, in spirituality, they say, your children are older souls than you. So I'm older than my parent, my son is older than me. So they're here to teach, to teach, to change. But how many people resist change? How many people drop the job in the middle of it, you know?

Yeah.

And that's what I spoke about yesterday. I said, if you're the black sheep in the family, you're the one that's chosen to change your lineage. You're the one chosen to say, enough is enough. You go through the pain, you learn, you heal, and then you heal your whole lineage, your whole ancestors, and you create the new ancestors. Just like you said, Everything is passed through DNA, habits, traits. I, when I walk, I have my hands behind my back. Okay? When my son was born, when he was two years old, he walks. I never walked in front of him. He's two, he walks with his hand behind his. Why? Because genetically, it's information. Where. It's like a usb, the DNA. I put my stuff in there, my trauma, everything, I pass it to my kid. So genetically, I'm passing everything to him. So when you do the work, you don't pass that anymore. So you are creating the new lineage, the new generation. I am the new ancestors.

That's how the blood sugar, what you say is called, actually it's called epigenetics. So it's the expression of the genes. So we have the genes. The genes stay the same all the life. That what genes are expressed and which one are not is epigenetic. In studies on rats or and other animals, it, they found that we can pass these epigenetics expressions for up to three generations. So if you're anxious in this life, you can pass that anxiety to your next. My last question. Yeah, because you said you have a son. I have two daughters. One is 10 years old, one is two and a half. Yeah, yeah. I don't know which one is the black sheep yet.

It's obvious. Yeah, I'm sure. You know, think about it. Which one is different has their own personality?

I, Yeah, I know which one it is, but there you go.

That's your black sheep.

How can we make sure they not become a narcissistic adults? And how can we teach them to be okay to not like fell for?

So narcissism. What most people say is that when a child is exposed to so much like for example, if I give my son everything, like toys, money, everything, all that, and. But I tell him, for example, for me to give you anything, you have to do this. For me to love you, you have to act like this. If he brings 99 out of 100, I'm like, no, it's not good for me, I need a hundred. It's. When you don't celebrate the child, when you don't validate the child, when you don't look at the child, when you give him too much, they can become narcissists. When you give them too little, they can become narcissists. So there is, there is a place to snap. So just this is why I do, I tell people before you get kids do the work. So I think the conversation you should have with your kids is, is it's okay to be different. It's okay to be yourself. You don't have to fit in. It's okay to be weird. Like my son, when he goes to school, he doesn't wear a uniform. They wear whatever they want. Sometimes he wears blue shirt with green shorts with. And he's like, what do you think, Mom? I'm like, do you love it? He's like, yeah. I'm like, go. It's, it's. You choose. And when you give children authority and agency at a young age, instead of you managing them with your ego, I'm the mom, listen to me. No. When you give them agency and authority, they have to take decisions. And when they do mistakes, they have to fix them. When you give them that and you give them their identity back to them, when you stop telling them, you have to believe in this, you have to do this. Don't take your agenda and put it on the kids. If you're a vegan, you make the kid vegan. No, let the kid choose whatever they want to be. If you believe in a certain thing, no. Give the child the freedom to have an open mind and to choose. It's simple. Don't repeat what your parents did, because our parents did what they could with the knowledge they had. God bless their soul, you know, but don't repeat that. And there is so much awareness nowadays. My parents had no Internet back in the days. No, they don't even know what narcissism was when they were young. They never had anything about mental health or anything like that. Now we do. No excuse. So go read. Go. Go learn how to be a conscious parent and allow children to be free. Allow them the freedom they want, allow them the personality they want. And when my son, for example, if I tell my son something, he answers back.

Back.

He says, but why is this? A normal parent would say, don't answer me back. Don't talk to me like that. I'm your parent with my son. I say, come, let's talk. What do you feel? What do you think is wrong? I have that argument. I give him agency. I give him authority. And one, one very important thing for every parent out there. I know that when, you know, for example, in school, when school calls you and says, oh, your son or your daughter hit somebody, okay? And parents, what we do is we go, why did you hit them? What did you do? We attack the child. What I go is when I enter the office, I say, what happened? They say, oh, he hit the boy. I said, and your son is the one at fault. I said, before you accuse anybody, let's all sit and listen to everything. Yeah, I'm not going to accuse my child. And put. And this is the right way to do it. But also it's wrong to go and say, you're wrong, my child. Screw you all. You're teaching your kid no accountability. And if my son is wrong, I will put him accountable in front of everybody. Like, there's an incident that happened once with a young girl where he said he was singing a song, and some. Some of the lyrics were not that good. He was telling his friend about it, and a girl heard him. And I said, mom, a man is supposed to make earth safe for women to walk and be creative and all that. I said, you just took that safety away from that girl and you made it unsafe for her. And he felt really bad. I do not care if he's my kid. I will not have my kids back blindly. If he's wrong, he's wrong. Accountability. I'm teaching him how to be a divine man. Because I told him, in the future, I want women to feel safe with you. I don't want women to feel what I felt with other men. And you've seen what happened to Mom. You've seen the physical abuse. You've seen how many times I was crying. I said, don't do that to women. So it's so important to practice that from a very young age, from the age of one, I used to tell him These things, you know, agency, personality. I used to. He never got it when he was a kid. Did, but I can see it in him now. That's why a lot of people say, how do you teach your son self confidence? Because my son gets on stage with 5, 000 people last time I had a talk, and he was on stage giving a talk for everybody. And he loves it. He's on stage talking to everyone. They're like, where is the confidence come from? And I always say, you cannot teach confidence. Confidence is a byproduct of self love. My son loves himself so much, that's why he's on stage. As simple as that. Yeah. So it's agency. Give them authority and agency.

That's lovely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you so much for. For all of this, for the fact that you share your own experience and you bring the attention about this narcissism red flags, toxic relationship red flags. And for the people that want to go deeper. I think this, this book is the perfect start to see what's wrong, to realize what's wrong with you and start.

And you said something so beautiful. So you said the book is written in bullet points in an easy way. Because I'm dyslexic, and for me, I cannot understand anything if it's not highlighted bold. The most important thing.

I love it. Yeah. Because you just go to the chapter and you understand everything. I'm sure you could make it in a story and it would have maybe 300 pages, not 100 pages, but this is straightforward.

Yeah, but I did it.

This is a manual.

You know, Doc, I could have wrote my story and made a 300 page, but I don't want to weaponize my pain or use my pain. I want to teach you forget my pain. I've been through it. That's fine. We're over it. I don't need to romanticize it and use it to capture audience. I don't need that to cap on it. This is just. Go to the. Straight to the work immediately. Yeah.

So as a last message for the Romanian public. You saw them yesterday. So many people loves you, probably you. You will be waited to come back. What message do you have for. For everyone that's watching?

No, first of all, I want to thank everyone in Romania. You've all been so kind, you've all been so loving. You've, like, you made this an unforgettable experience for me. I've, you know, I've been speaking all over the world, and I told the organizers that I've never had an impactful event like I did here. So I thank the country, I thank everyone in it, all the people, all the love, and on social media. Thank you so much. I wish I can hug and kiss, kiss each one of you. I can't. So this is my hug and kiss to everyone in Romania, and I want to leave you with my favorite quote. My favorite quote is a quote by Rumi, and it says, between what's right and wrong, there's a garden. I'll meet you there. It means we live in a world word where I want to be right, I want to be wrong, but, you know, there's a garden in between. I don't have to be right, you don't have to be wrong. We can just meet, you know, and accept each other's differences. And when there's no judging, there is so much room for love. When you don't judge, you love. So my. My advice for you is that meet people in the garden. You don't have to be right, you don't have to be wrong.

Yeah. That's so beautiful. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for joining. The festival of modern owners.

Sa.