5 Simple Evidence-Based Daily Rituals to (Help You) Stay Afloat and Successfully Navigate Stress and Chaos (Episode #19)

On behalf of me and Marianne Michaelis, I'd like to thank you for being a listener of our Human Intimacy Podcast this year. It's always a privilege to spend time with you and I want to express my deep gratitude. If you are ready to take your healing and recovery to the next level, you're ready to deepen your healing and strengthen your connection and gain real tools for meaningful change. I invite you to join us and other Experts at the 2nd Annual Human Intimacy Conference where myself, Marianne and many other leading experts will come together for powerful teaching, live question and answer sessions and provide insightful pre conference conversations to help you get the most out of your conference experience. And right now you can save 50% when you register before December 31st. Please don't miss this opportunity. Visit human intimacy.com and reserve your spot today. There's something about you that I can't help but smile when you smile and laugh when you laugh something surround you. Welcome to the human intimacy podcast. Dr. Kevin Skinner with you with my friend Marianne Miklis. Marianne, how have you been?

Oh, I have been so good. I am super excited to be here today and especially to talk about this subject because it is so important and I have so much to say about it.

Well, I'm sure that our listeners want to know what is the subject today. But for me, before we introduce this, I want to put it in a context of we as human beings, we've never had more health issues than we've had up to this point. More diabetes, more major health issues, more stress, more conflict, more tension in our lives and which ultimately bleeds out into our relationships. And so today's topic isn't just like, hey, what are we talking about? Well, we got a lot of different words to put out there. But Marianne, how would you describe our topic to the listeners in a way that may help them, motivate them to take action?

I think I would say that our topic, the things that we're going to talk about today, are tools to help them live a healthier, happier life and to improve their relationships with themselves and their relationships with others.

And I like the way you say that. So two parts here. One with relationship with self, which in our field we use phrases like self, care. We want to make sure that you're taking care of yourself, that you're staying grounded. Those are common phrases that we use. But really what we're looking at here is how to have an optimal life, how to improve our well being internally and then in our relationships. It's really hard to focus on relationships when we're really struggling with our own health and well being.

Exactly. And the U.S. right now or recently, I know there was some research that showed that over almost half of the adults in the US Were struggling with anxiety and depression. And so recognizing we're at a mental health tipping point, I really hope that the things that we share and talk about today will be helpful to our listeners.

So let's talk a little bit about that. You know, I think we probably would say most people know what's healthy for them. Right. We know what's healthy for us. And yet it's really hard to do.

It is. If you walk into a room and you say to everybody, I want you to think right now, just instantly, what comes to your mind? What are three things you can do that you're not doing, that you need to do to live your life better or to feel better? We instantly have an answer. We instantly know. And it usually looks like I need to get more sleep. Oh, I need to exercise more. Oh, I need to eat better.

Right.

So we know what we need to do. We often struggle to do it, though.

Yeah, I often say, I know I will be a better therapist for you if you're eating well, if you're getting good night's rest, and if you have some form of exercise routine. I'm a much better therapist when my clients are doing those things.

I quote you on that quite often. I think the way that I heard you tell me initially was I'm an amazing therapist when my clients are doing these things well.

And I think that's just accurate. Now let's look into that for a second. You know, we. It's a healthy habit that we're trying to incorporate that we're trying to put into our lives. And yet we get, I don't know, mired down with the stress of life, with work, with children, with rushing here and rushing there. And really our hope today to our listeners is just to get you to pause and reflect. The last few weeks, we've talked a little bit about mindfulness with Alan Brun. We've talked about how to listen to your body. And really what we're trying to say is let's slow this process down. Right. When I was talking with Lauren Hatchett and she was talking about this learning to listen to your body, I was just amazed at just how out of tune we are with our bodies. And so maybe today's more of the practical how to do the slowdown, how to do self care and to do it in a really good way for you.

Yeah, so many, so many people are overwhelmed. And I know that starting out a podcast and we're saying, here's some things that you can do to make your life better can often be, oh, no, here's one more thing. Here's one more place where I'm not doing well, where I know what I need to be doing. And now I'm going to listen to some people tell me what I need to do. And I know that can be really overwhelming. So as we start, I hope we can invite our listeners to recognize we want to share tools that will help your help you manage the overwhelm, help you manage the burdens in another way. Some of the things we're going to talk about today, if I can just jump in, I call, I call peers P I E R S and the way that I use these with my clients or teach them to my clients, these are tools for daily self care or taking care of myself daily. And just like we take a boat and we tie our boat up to the pier, these piers are the things to keep our boats afloat. Doesn't mean that there won't be rain, doesn't mean there won't be storms, doesn't mean there won't be big waves, but it means that it's, these are the tools that will help keep my boat up so that I can manage what comes at me. And so I'm really hopeful that, that these will be helpful tools, practical tools.

Right? That's what we're trying to do. Here's some practical things that you can do. And really it's just starting with one of them. So let's just ju right in. What would you say the P is?

So for the P, I invite my clients to do 30 minutes of at least walking a day. But physical movement, continuous physical movement if they can, 30 minutes. The reason why I think this is so important, there's a YouTube video from Dr. Mike Evans and it's called 23 and a half. I really love it because he just walks through. Why is this so important? What does the research say? Not just for the physical health benefits, but the research that he shows is that walking for 30 minutes a day can decrease anxiety by 48%. It can help decrease depression by 30% at low doses and 47% when increase. And so 30 minutes a day of moving our bodies, our bodies are made to move on top of just that movement. If we're going outside, we're getting some new input, we're getting fresh air, hopefully fresh air, but we're getting sights Sounds, smells. But there's so much change that can happen in our brain when we're changing our environment. Environment. We can walk. That's something that we can usually control. We can control how fast or how slow or what we're doing when there's so much that we can't control. What are your thoughts on that? Because I know you have a lot of history with daily movement.

Yeah, for 10 years, I walked 10 or 11,000 steps every day. Part of it's just trying to put it in the context of why that happened is my family has a history of high blood pressure, heart attacks, strokes, and. And, you know, we typically have. Have had challenges, both my mom and my dad's side. High blood pressure, consistent. Both my mom and dad have high blood pressure. And so I was reading an article, and this article made no sense to me. The title of it, it said, japanese smokers live longer than American smokers. I'm like, okay, somebody tell me why. So I'm sitting here reading this article, and it talked about this crazy thing. This was 2013, and it said that Japanese smokers walk more than American smokers, and that is the primary reason that they live longer. I thought, okay, well, I kept on reading because I. It had my curiosity. And what they discovered is there's something about, like you said, the bilateral stimulation and movement. And it was a phenomenal article. It said, based on other research now that we've gathered that if you're walking 10 or 11,000 steps, it depends on, you know, your age. Some people, that's too much. For other people, that was probably about right. But the articles suggested that it made you less risky, less at risk for strokes, heart attacks, and lower blood pressure. I'm like, check, check, check. Why can't I do that? I can walk 10 or 11,000 steps every day. So that's what I did. I did it for 10 years. Then last July, I was running with my daughter, tore my meniscus. And the last year, I have not been able to get into that flow. And part of it's intentionally. I'm letting my body slowly get back into healing. But it's been a very interesting experience going from 10,000 steps every day. Realistically, my health during that time, there were some ups and downs, but in general, pretty good. So, yeah, I mean, you don't want to know. 10, 11,000 steps is about 5 or 6 miles every day. Every day for 10 years. I found that doing a little bit of research, this is just a side note, that in that 10 years, the circumference of the world is about 24,000 miles. And I did the math on it and I walked 26,000 miles in 10 years. So I would literally walk the circumference of the earth while I was walking.

Oh, that's fascinating. And conversationally, I don't know if this even fits into what we're talking about, but I know that our everyday, we're creating new cells, our bodies are regenerating. And so over that 10 years, your body made a whole new body with everything that was happening, that regeneration, which was probably much healthier body.

Yeah. And again, to our listeners, it may not be that for you, but I want to go back to what you said earlier, Marianne. Right. A decrease in anxiety, 48%, a lower depression, 30%. I look at those notes, I'm like, okay, we have more depression, more anxiety today. If I just said to our listeners, choose to do one thing, start with it, say it. Walking, saying, bike riding, swimming, it doesn't matter, continuous, whatever, you're going to find the benefits and you're going to find them quickly. And what I mean by that is within two, four, six weeks, you're starting to see progression emotionally just because you're doing those things on a consistent basis.

Yeah. And I would add to that, it's usually after about 20 minutes when the chemicals in our brain change and say, oh, wait, I'm not being chased by anybody. And then the serotonin kicks in, the feel good chemicals in. So we have, or they kick in, we have these natural chemicals that make us feel good. And after that continuous movement, that's when they kick in. And so coupled with therapy, it's fantastic. I do want to, I do want to add one other point though. Just like you said, you had an injury and it made it really difficult. Back in college, I had a roommate who was a quadriplegic. And one of the things that just inspired me about her was even though she couldn't walk, she didn't have much movement she could do. She would put some weights on her wrists and she could lift her arms as much as she could. And so recognizing that not everybody can walk five or six miles a day or even two miles a day, what's really important here is one, nobody else can move my body for me and to whatever I can do will probably be an improvement. And so figuring out the way to make it work the best for you, it's more about changing the brain chemicals, about also the internal changes. There's this accomplishment of, oh, I did this. This is something that's good for me. And that's a really important positive outcome as well. Just knowing that I'm taking care of myself.

Yeah. And the only other thing I would add to that is when we do that, we do. We have an emotional response to it because where we feel like we're doing something for us and. And that creates. I don't know what you want to say, but it creates this momentum. I read a book recently, well, a few years ago now, but it said that people who run marathons are more likely to be CEOs.

That's fascinating.

It was interesting. But. But what they're. It's the discipline. It was what they were talking about that that was one of the primary theories is there is something about that kind of motivation to prepare and to, you know, work that hard for it. You know, typically you're in some kind of leadership role because you've created the discipline to do that. And so that's just one example. But I'm not saying go run a marathon. Train your body to see incremental improvements in your physical movement and you'll see the benefits.

Absolutely. And I would also just say when we're looking at trauma or clients who are coming from a trauma space, this can feel so big and so heavy. But taking just that little bit of time for yourself is so imperative in a healing journey from emotional and social trauma. Yeah.

And I think we need to say if our client, if our listeners have specific amounts of trauma, elevated trauma, one of the things you do have to be careful with, and that is when you activate your nervous system through the exercise, it may actually take you a little bit longer to regulate, to come back down. And if that's the case, you have high trauma, you're going to want to gradually work into excessive or higher levels of exercise. You don't want to go too much too quick because your body's going to struggle to regulate again. I was reading that in a work of Steven Porges, with individuals with really high trauma, it may be better if they, you know, slowly work up and learn how to regulate rather than go too intense too quickly. So that's a cautionary part.

I'm glad you mentioned that. Thank you so much. That's great to know.

Is there anything else you want to say with that?

No. Let's jump onto the I. The I stands for intellectual and for intellectual daily self care. This is really just learning about my situation, learning about something new for my brain. Every single day. We have brand new baby neurons in our brain. Learning about emotions, learning about communication. Learning about whatever it is that I'm going through. If somebody comes to me and says, I just got diagnosed with cancer, they're probably going to become an expert on cancer because they want to understand what does this mean for me, what does this look like? Oftentimes, with my clients who come in their struggling with addiction or betrayal, trauma or anxiety or depression, oftentimes we don't really have words or recognize that's what. We don't have that label maybe yet, because we're just surviving. And then when we get a book and we read it and go, oh, my goodness, this is. This is talking about me, suddenly it makes so much sense, and it helps me to define my experience. And so that intellectual part, I think is really important.

You know, I want to add to this in maybe a very specific way. For many of our listeners, when you have a specific event, that's challenging. And for us, we've spent a lot of time with infidelity, sexual betrayal, some, you know, dealing with relationship challenges. Typically, most people, they go to the Internet first. You know, more and more today, people are listening to podcasts like this one because they're looking for information. They're looking for somebody to say, oh, that makes sense. I can relate to that. Knowledge is power. Knowledge and information helps us understand what's happening to us. When we did that research and have continued to do the research on betrayal, trauma, and the symptoms of that, the PTSD symptoms, and put started, you know, educating people on that, I can't tell you how many emails people sent to me. You made sense. You're the only person who really understands that I've talked to who makes sense of this. Okay, I understand betrayal, trauma now is triggering PTSD symptoms. What do I do? So they're asking this next question now that they feel understood because they understand what's actually going on. So take any issue in your life and go to the experts and get intellectual information, and I guarantee you, you will feel more empowered in how to change your life.

And I would even broaden that out. I don't care what it's about. You can be learning about beneficial nematodes for your garden, but it's just finding learning every day, stimulating your brain, intellectually learning ways. Oh, I never thought about that before. Learning how to do new things and how to fit it into your life.

Marianne, did you say nematodes?

I did. Okay.

I never thought we would use that word on our podcast. So you're gonna have to actually educate me what nematodes actually is.

It's something That I looked up one day because I want. I was looking for my. I was doing my eye for my peers. But beneficial nematodes. Nematodes are organisms or bacteria that are in your, like, in your ground. Oh, when I lived in Florida, there were certain things we couldn't plant because there were some nematodes, they would go in underneath and they kill your plants. And so they also have beneficial nematodes that you can use. So it's a gardening tool to our listeners.

This is not. Not the gardening show, but now we know a little bit about nematodes. You might want to look it up if you want to learn something new, especially if you are a gardener.

And I may have like misspoken a little bit about that, so you may want to double check my definition. But okay.

But we use the word nematodes on the podcast, so great news. But intellectually, we're learning something.

We're learning something every day, learning about our experience, finding the words to give meaning and understanding to what we're experiencing.

And I'm going to just tell you an added benefit. When I was walking 10,000 steps every day, I would say probably 90% of those days were by myself. I'd get up early in the morning, 5, 5, 30 or 6, go for a walk, go for a run. I would listen to audiobooks. And in 10 years, I listened to over 150 books, which is, you know, helps improve my understanding while I'm getting the benefit of walking. So it's called habit stacking. You take a habit that you're in, walking 10,000 steps every day. Now you add to that an audio book or some learning podcast, and now you're adding to it. Habit stacking. It's actually really beneficial for us.

Yeah. Let me add on to that. The bilateral stimulation. I know we talked about that a little bit earlier, but just to define what that is, with bilateral stimulation, it's when we're using both sides of our body, usually alternating. And when we do this, it stimulates both hemispheres of the brain. And so when we're walking, because our legs are going back and forth and our hands are usually going in the opposite or alternating directions as well, when we're doing that, it's engaging both parts of the brain. And so especially when you're talking about listening to a podcast or a book that is getting stuck in your brain in such a better space. And I bring this up because, Dr. Skinner, over the years that I've known you, one of the. The things that I've really admired is Your ability to consume so much information. You. You're always like, oh, I've been reading this book. Oh, I've been reading this book. But also to retain and say, oh, it's on this page, or here's what this says. And I'm. I'm going to guess that part of that is because you've done it while you were moving and you had that bilateral stimulation, so your brain was processing and storing it in that way.

I can't tell you how many times I literally would stop on a walk when something was so profound, and I would. I would create a CL of the audio, and I would listen to it again because it was so profound, because that's. That's literally what I would do because it. It's like, wait, did I did. That is incredible information. Again, healthy habits helps us live healthy lives. And. And. And this intellectual part of it, the brain needs new data. Our brain, it craves It. It craves new information. And when you start getting that kind of information, your brain starts clicking. So whatever. Your challenge is, get as much information as you can so you begin to understand yourself. I'm telling you, it's really powerful.

I love that. Thank you.

All right, let's move on to the.

E. All right, let's go into the E. So in the E, the E stands for emotional. For some of my clients, this is just at the end of their day, using a journal and saying, kind of scanning through their day and saying, what are some big emotions that came up for me today? So you can notice it, journal it. You can journal about it just to understand it a little bit, really go deep on that. Sometimes that's hard to do every day, and sometimes we don't have that enough time to do that. Another tool that I invite my clients to use with this is to set an alarm on their clock three times a day. Doesn't matter when. And just to have that alarm go off and to stop and say, what am I feeling emotionally now? For most of my clients, they kind of look at me when I say that, and they're like, I don't know what I'm feeling emotionally, but I'll just say, okay, what's going on with your left pinky toe right now? I don't know what's going on with my left pinky toe. We have to go and engage our brain and really look at that. And I think it's the same with our emotions. And so having an outside reminder where we're thinking, okay, I've got to scan my body and Just check and notice. Where does it feel tight? Where does it feel tense? What's an emotion that I might be feeling right now? And oftentimes we feel angry and excited and frustrated. We can feel them all at the same time. We can feel multiple, very polar emotions at the same time. And this is just learning how to tune in and check into myself, because so much of the time, we're just numb to what we're feeling.

We would call that emotional attunement. Right. Being emotionally attuned to self. Let's just go through an exercise with our listeners real quick because I'd like to give them practical application. Take a minute. If you're as you listen to this podcast, if you're driving, don't do this. But if you are sitting in a place where you can write, I would encourage you to write down an emotion that has been with you in the last few hours that seems to be pretty strong. It could be an emotion of anxiousness, worry, fear. It could be a feeling of disgust. It could be a feeling of joy and happiness. But if we were just to take a minute and just write it down, I said, okay, let's all. Let's have a conversation, everybody. What was your emotion? How common is that emotion to you? And now you're actually getting a little bit deeper. This is a common one for me. Okay. So it's often that I am feeling this way. All right, now, next question. What would I prefer to feel? Maybe I like this one, so this one's good. I don't want to prefer. This is it. I'm feeling it. You're in that emotion that you want to have. All right, now I'm having emotions that I'm uncomfortable with. What do I do with uncomfortable emotions? Do I normally hide? Do I turn on Netflix? Do I binge eat? Do I have some ice cream? Do I numb out and escape away from the emotion? And all of a sudden, you're becoming an emotionally attuned person, which is really, really healthy for us.

And I love that word you used, attuned, because it is kind of like tuning in your radio dial to really find and notice what is this? And I love that that's such a great exercise to slow down and notice. Is this common? How often do I feel as you were saying that? I was thinking about Sherry. I. I think it's Jake. I don't know how to say her last name. It's DJ I C K, I believe, Calming the emotional storm. And she talks about with our emotions, even visualizing a standing at A door in our mind. And whatever emotion comes up, we just open the door and say, welcome. Here you are. Let it through. We spend a lot of time pushing our emotions back and ignoring them and saying, you're unpleasant. I don't want to let you in. But just being able to be aware and say, wow, I have an emotion. What can I learn from it? It's showing up for a reason.

Yeah. And I can hear some of our listeners saying, but my spouse or me, I'm emotionally. I don't know what you want to call me. Immature. I'm not able to identify emotions. I don't feel these things. I'm going to just tell you that this process of learning to attune to emotions, it's actually a skill. So whether you think you're good at it or bad at it, whether you grew up in a family where your emotions were shut down and speaking to us, men in particular, we've been taught most of our lives that emotions, boys, don't cry, buck up, be tough, put on your, you know, boots, and let's get out to work. Whatever your version is, I'm going to tell you, emotional attunement, being aware of it is actually really manly.

Yeah.

And we're not taught that. But the most incredible men that I know, they are aware of their own emotions and they learn to be aware of other people's emotions. And we don't talk about that because, you know, again, historically, men have not been taught this. So I love the idea of learning how to be emotionally aware, attuned to self.

Absolutely. And I would just respond to that. Maybe that little bit of resistance or pushback that you're talking about, in that every baby cries, every baby protests, when we're born, we have emotions. We say, hey, I don't like this. Hey, you know, we have emotions as babies. And it is somewhere along the road where we learn, big boys, don't cry or stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about. It is something that we're taught, but we come out with emotions. We come out protesting or saying, I have these needs. And so it is absolutely something that we've learned to not have, and it is something we have to learn to utilize again.

Yeah. And one other thing I would just add to that is that as we learn to express emotions, as we learn to communicate them to other people, we really become people with emotional intelligence. And again, I want to reiterate the concept. It's a skill. It's not inherited. It is a skill that is learned and so if you find yourself saying, I don't know how great, go back to the previous concept, intellectual. Find some books. Emotional Intelligence is a really, really good book. Daniel Goleman. Great book.

Can I share an exercise? Yeah, I'd love to share an exercise that can also help with that. Because oftentimes we don't know what the emotion is. And especially when we're working with trauma or addiction, we've learned, with addiction, we often learn to numb through the addiction, which is to avoid the emotions. So we have to learn how to tune into the emotions. Again, with trauma, our brain, our prefrontal cortex, which is our thinking brain, it goes offline and we're just trying to survive. And so we are not really emotionally aware because we learn to use our body to connect with our emotions. We call it bottom up. So we start with figuring out what's going on with my body before I can even figure out what the emotion might be. So that's where we often, as therapists will say, scan your body head to toe, notice what's going on. So if I have a client say, hey, I've got a tightness in my chest, I use what, what I call emotional objectification. And because our sensations and our emotions are, they're in that right side of our brain, when we experience something, they have not been transferred to the left side of our brain where we have words for it. So as we slow down and start to explore the emotion, we're starting to put words to it. We're. We're helping connect it to that left side of the brain so our brain can store it a little bit better. So if we say, I have a tightness in my chest and we'll say, oh, great, let's just take some slow, deep breaths and let's learn from it. How big is it? What shape is it? Is it round? Is it a triangle? What color is it and what's its texture? What's its temperature? Is there a sound associated with it? Is there a taste associated with it? Is there a smell associated with it? And we're just really focusing in. Sometimes they're semi permeable, sometimes they're gaseous, sometimes they're very solid. How much does it weigh? The more we can just slow down and be really curious exploring what it is, our brain starts to slow down and we start to connect again to whatever that emotion is. From there, we can ask our brain what it wants to do with it. If it can make a metaphor and it wants to let go of it, like, oh, it could Be butterflies. I could open my chest and let the butterflies out or breathe them out, or I can ask it if it has something that it needs to teach me or something that needs to tell me, or if it's a part of me that's trying to protect me. Perhaps this anxiety is showing up because it's trying to tell me that's not a good idea. So really slowing down and learning what the emotion's trying to tell us is a fantastic tool for that.

E. Love it, love it, love it.

All right, the R. So with our R, we're looking at relational. And what I love about this is we all need connection as part of being human. It's one of the most important parts of being human. For a fascinating read on this, I love Johann Hari's book Lost Connections, which is really about our human connections. But one of the tools I send my clients is a TED Talk from Matt Lieberman. It's called the Importance of Social Connection. And he talks about in his podcast or in this TED Talk, he says that they. He's a neuroscientist, and they did some experiments where they put people in MRIs and they had them basically on a screen passing a ball back and forth to each other, and they're just checking and seeing what was happening with their brain as they did that. At one point, one of the people stopped having the ball tossed to them, and they were just excluded and they were watching what was happening. And he talks about how activated the brain got by being by this rejection, by not being included. And when they even talked about it, it even got more. The more they talked about and said, I feel really bad about this. It just got stronger and stronger. He also talks about how Tylenol can actually take away social pain. When I heard that, I was so fascinated by that. But we are deeply impacted. I think our deepest. One of our maybe core fears, the shame of being rejected or abandoned. That's what I work in all day long. And so recognizing we need to have healthy social connections, you know, and I.

Again, this is the Human Intimacy podcast, and it's really created for the purpose of helping us be better in relationships. Today we're talking about, you know, being a healthy person so we can be healthier in our relationships. They are here is essential. The podcast that we did with Dr. Sue Johnson, attachment. And really learning the attachment wounds that occur throughout life and how important it is to address them. But at the end of the day, we all are relational. We long for connection. And I would even take it a step further We've maybe never been lonelier than we are today. We long for this connection, but we have so much fear. Fear of intimacy, fear of rejection, fear that people won't like us, triggering our anxieties. Maybe more now than ever, or now more than ever, I should say we need to have healthy relationships. And if you struggle at this, put it on your agenda. I'm going to overcome my fears. I'm going to deal with my anxieties. I'm going to learn to communicate effectively. I'm going to learn how to be really good in relationships. And again, it's a skill. And that, if I could emphasize that part of it, these are skills. It's not inherited. And that's something that I think many people, you know, they've had life traumas. They don't trust people, they don't know who they can trust. And learning how to be relational is really overcoming it. Just a short story. When we do intensives at our clinic, one of the most common things I hear from those who come, it's a statement. I don't know how to understand what my partner's experiencing because I get overwhelmed or I. I just. It's too hard for me to say what I'm feeling. And we practice and we role play and we role play to this. So they realize it's a skill. And as we role play and they start getting it, it's like their lights turn on and they're excited. They're like, I actually did that right. And their spouse is like, yeah, you did that right. Man, that. That's really sexy.

Yeah, it's amazing when somebody is there and you're talking about that vulnerability. And that vulnerability is so, so hard. I remember I was at a training many years ago, and somebody just came up and said, I don't know anybody here and I need a friend. Will you be my friend for this conference?

Wow. Conference confidence.

It was amazing. And we changed numbers and so now I had somebody to sit with and to talk with during lunch or just to save a seat with. But boy, that changed that whole thing for me. And so that vulnerability of saying, I feel uncomfortable. The thing is, everybody else at that conference, for the most part, were strangers. Almost nobody knew anybody. But being able to be vulnerable and say, I have a need. Can you help me fill that need? And I want to also just step back. This can be a. This can be a support group, this can be a sponsor. This can be a friend, relative. In my life, I had somebody who every now and then would just text me a Knock, knock joke. And all they had to send me was knock, knock. And, you know, and we just, you know, go back and forth, but it let me know that somebody was there, somebody was connecting. So it can be simple. It doesn't have to be huge.

All right, so let's give. I do this exercise with people when I do large group trainings. Say to everybody, okay, I want you to pull out your phone and I want you to. And we kind of have a kind of a game with it. I want you to write a thank you note expressing your gratitude to somebody right now, to our listeners. I want you to. Right now, I want you to take out your phone. If you're driving, don't do this. I want you to take out your phone when you can. And I want you to send a thank you note to somebody just expressing your gratitude that they are in your life. And then be specific. I especially am grateful for you. And then identify what it is for always being there for me, for helping take care of my children, for your kindness over the years, for your love. And then I want you to see what happens back. Talking about practical application of relationships. Just try it. Just try it and see what happens. Anyway, that would be a application of what we're talking about.

Yeah. Will you speak a little bit more about this? Because you and I have talked about it previously, but not super recently, and you probably retain what I'm looking for a little bit better to speak to it. But can you talk a little bit more about that gratitude? Because I think, isn't it nine months later that that gratitude's still showing up?

Yeah. So this comes from the work of Martin Seligman. So Martin Seligman, he did research on identifying what you're grateful for and why every day. And if you do that, what you're grateful for and why just do three of those a day. I'm grateful today for the beautiful air green. I'm grateful for the temperature and why, because the green gives me hope and energy. The temperature, because I'm not cold. And it just feels like it's smoothing and comforting to my body and the air. It's nice to be able to breathe in this fresh, fresh, clean air. Now, you did that three times, three or three things every day for a month. And based upon doing that for a month, six months later, you are more likely to be have elevated happiness or you'll be happier than you were when you first started. Now, the other example he uses there, and this is a fun one, and that is writing a letter of gratitude to somebody about 350 words to 500 words. And not just, not just sending them a letter, but take the letter and write it to them or read it to them. And if you read it to them in their presence, the same thing happens. Expressing your gratitude to somebody, you're more likely to be a happier person a few months down the road. These are just really simple things. But there is power in gratitude for the people around you.

Yeah, it's so fascinating. I would add to that also even a simple compliment. Just saying noticing this is that relationality where we're not oftentimes with trauma, oftentimes with anxiety or depression. We get so sucked into ourselves and finding, how can I compliment somebody? How can I notice, oh, look, hey, your hair looks nice today. Or whatever it is. Being able to be that outward facing it is so imperative just for our emotional health.

Yes, absolutely, Absolutely. And there's much more that we. That's why we're doing this podcast. But really, I want to talk throughout this podcast, not just this one, but upcoming podcast, really the power of relationships. How to address our fears, how to overcome fears. Because far too many in our society are struggling. So these are simple, practical tools. Express gratitude, see what happens, think about people, their needs, try to understand how you can help them, and it'd be amazing what happens. And that really leads us into the S part of this.

Just before we get to that S, I would also say reach out for help when you need it. I think that's also imperative. We all need relationships and nobody's always great. We all need it. And so being able to say, I'm not doing great today, can you help me? We need to have those people that we can rely on and trust for that too.

Excellent. All right. S P, I, S E R and.

Now S P I E R S.

We're doing a cheer. Give me a P, give me an I. All right, where it is?

Ers. All right. So with our S, we're looking at spirituality and service. I recognize that not everyone subscribes to a higher power or that may not be part of their value system or how they. Their outlook on life. And so I understand that. And so I want to acknowledge that the S, the way that I share it with my clients is usually spirituality. So figuring out for you, what does spirituality mean? If that's reaching up to your higher power, if that's through prayer, meditation, scriptures, church service, whatever that looks like, it's connecting to something bigger than yourself. One of my clients, he uses his higher powers, the ocean. It's something bigger than him. It's something that moves and it's something that gives him peace. And so that's where he can put his questions and the things that he needs out to that higher, out to something bigger than him. So finding a way to connect with ourselves spiritually and to connect with something bigger than us. A lot of times in 12 step groups they talk about the group can be like just the group consciousness business or the other people might even be that. But it is once again about reaching outside of ourselves. And there is a lot of fascinating research about the impact of spirituality in just our daily life and our daily well being. So there's the spiritual. How do I connect? How do I look for wisdom that's outside of my own? Because we often get really myopic in our thinking and so looking outside of ourselves for wisdom. And part of that I think is also really slowing down and listening. Slowing down and just listening to whatever thoughts are coming when we're putting out there. I need some help, I need some guidance, I need some direction. I can't tell you how many clients I'll have. Say I was in the bookstore and there was just this book that was just like. That was a book I had to grab. It was speaking to me and so listening, slowing down and listening. The other part of that is service. And so it's finding a way to once again, it's that relationality. But when we serve other people, you know, the Boy Scout motto I think is like, do a good, good deed daily. That's what it was when I was a kid growing up. It may have changed since then, I'm not sure. But we feel better about ourselves. And even thinking like, what's a what? What's a service I can do today? How can I help somebody? It shifts our thinking to an outward thinking and helps us reconnect or connect better relationally.

Going to what Martin Seligman said he was talking about, I could send somebody to a mall with some money where I could send them out to do a service project. The level of happiness is not even comparable. Those who go out and serve people come back happier, they come back with more energy. Those who go to a mall and just look around, buy something, they're not nearly as happy as those who go serve people. So yeah, there is a scientific. If you want to be happier, find somebody to serve in a meaningful way. And you will, you will, you yourself will probably feel the benefits emotionally from that. And then the relational component of it is also incredible. So, yeah, find a way to serve people. And then I want to just say one other thing about the spirituality. Regardless of what your spiritual beliefs are, whether you are. Are a Christian or whether you're a Buddhist, whatever your religion, there is power in slowing down and learning to listen and learning to let. I love the way David O. McKay, he said, let your spirit be taught by the spirit. And I think when we slow down, I think it's a beautiful thing because I think there is a higher power that can speak to us. And I think that's what you were saying is I found this book and it was drawing me, driving me to it. And I can't tell you how many stories I've heard where it's like I was. I needed something and something came. And I just again, when we slow down, we have something that happens. It just. We get this insight. We get these things that come into our minds. And I love it when it happens. I love those stories and I've heard so many of them throughout my life that it's like there is a power in learning to slow down and listen.

Yeah. And I would, I would add to that because I work with so many betrayed partners or individuals who've been betrayed by their partners. This comes in as such an important tool because if their partner's been gaslighting them, if their partner has been dishonest with them, if their partner's looking at them in the eyes and lying directly to them, it is so hard to know what truth is. It is impossible. Their gut, they may be distrusting their gut. And so having this higher power that they can go to and say, I don't know if my husband's telling me the truth or not. I don't know if my partners tell me the truth or not. Can you help me to discern what this is? And great. Thank you, partner, for what you're telling me. And I'm going to go fact check that with a higher power because I need an outside source who I believe knows all, who can give me the direction that I need. And I think for betrayal, this is such an important element in healing and in finding your ground. Once again, this is about keeping your boat afloat. And we've got to sometimes go someplace where we can find truth because we might be in a situation where we're. It's really murky and it's hard to just discern.

Excellent. I want to just now close out today with just some of your final summary thoughts. If you could leave our listeners with some. Just some core concept of what would you leave Them with.

I would leave them with. You can do this. If this feels overwhelming, that's okay. Pick one thing and start there. Because there's always a starting place. I would also leave you with. No one else can do this for you. We've shared today a lot of things that are simple in theory and in concept. And I would invite you just to think about maybe something that's impressed you. Dr. Skinner, you know, said, stop and do this. Stop and do this. Even if it's reaching out and sending a knock, knock joke, even if it's writing down a gratitude, there's always some place to start. And these are tools that there's a lot of science and research behind why they help us and that they do help us. And so more than anything I know, Dr. Skinner, I think we agree, we just want to people to keep their boats up. We don't want you to get buried.

Yeah, exactly. Thank you. Thank you so much for joining us today, Marianne. And my closing thoughts would be this. For the first time, as I, as I sit back and I look at my own life at this age, I say first time, but it's really kind of one of those times I'm in this middle life phase where I'm starting to look back and look at my life and I'm starting to look to the future and I'm starting to realize, you know, my body isn't doing what it used to be able to do, just physically. Whether it was running in my meniscus broke, you know, I ruptured my meniscus, whatever. You just look at this and you start to reflect on your life. And now I have to ask a different question. What is healthy for me now? What does a healthy me look like? That even that question goes to what we were talking about, slowing down and reflecting on your life. We don't have to live with the old patterns or old habits. We don't have to do that. We can do things that really start getting us momentum. And if you've lived a life of a lot of trauma and a lot of difficulty is some of these things may seem like I just, I can't do that. I'll tell you what, five minutes, just take five minutes every day, no matter what, or 10 minutes, and then what you do is you start to build up these healthy habits. And healthy habits equals healthy people. Thank you, Marianne, so much for joining today to our listeners. Let me just conclude with this. If you have not been to our website, humanintimacy.com please go look at the courses. Marianne's got a free course on communication. There are other free courses. We do a webinar. Marianne's gonna be doing an upcoming webinar on boundaries. So we have lots of webinars. We have courses. If you really want to learn how to really have a great relationship, come join us and be a part of our journey together. So human intimacy dot com. If you really want to get engaged, become a subscriber and you get access to everything that we do. Our courses, our test your relationship, how to communicate when you don't know what to say. Marianne's great course on communication. If you want to get help, we're here to help. So thank you so much for being with us today for listening and Marianne, thank you so much for your time.

It's my pleasure. Thank you all for joining us and for your time. Dr. Sting.

Laugh. When you laugh something surround you it's like you're shining, you're siren.