Should You Do a 90-Day Sex Fast? Understanding the Purpose, Pitfalls, and Path to Deeper Intimacy (Episode #129)

Welcome to the Human Intimacy Podcast. Dr. Kevin Skinner with Marianne Michalis, licensed clinical social worker. Marianne, it's been good to be back from just a busy stretch of family vacations and a trip work trip, I should say. Now I'm back, and today's topic is a very important issue. We're going to be talking about something that we've been asked about by many people, and it is a 90-day sex fast. Do you want to introduce that concept?

I would love to, Dr. Skinner. This is a concept that I learned about back in 2015, and it was early in my own recovery journey, and I was learning about boundaries And I was learning that I could say no to something that I was uncomfortable with. And I think that this is a topic that can be really alienating for a lot of people when we bring it up. A lot of people panic, and especially somebody who has, who is struggling with unwanted sexual acting out behaviors or sex addiction, it can, they can say like, I can't live without this. Our marriage is going to be over, our relationship is over. It can feel like, like this is an ultimatum, this is death. And so it can really— so us just saying we're going to talk about a 90-day sex fast can feel really, really triggering or alarming.

So for both partners?

Yes, for both partners.

So I want to define a 90-day sex fast because even that concept can be ambiguous. Like, does that mean we're not having sexual intercourse? What about just Laying by each other naked. What about, is there anything sexual that's going to occur, or are we just complete absence? No, no touch, no.

What are these rules? Yeah, what are the rules with this, Dr. Skinner?

What if I said that you have to define them? And I'm saying, this is one of my biggest concerns when people tell me that they're going to do this, or their therapists have talked with them about it, or even if they come to me and say, what do you think about this? I'm saying, okay, let's create some guidelines. What does it mean We're not gonna— is it not sexual intercourse? Is there going to be any sexual touch? What about hugging? I was reading a book where the author said, what if sex is just being aroused with each other? So define, what does a 90-day sex fast mean?

I would say, can we roll the tape back a little bit And let's talk about why would we even do a 90-day sex fast? What is the purpose of a 90-day sex fast? Hmm. Because we're, we're talking about this concept, but what's the principle behind it? What's the purpose?

From what I've gathered, and this is, you know, some therapists really like this idea. They've seen great success with it. You and I were talking before the podcast where you've seen people, couples have great success with this. Um, I've also seen couples have great disasters with it. And so I've seen a wide range here. I think it's because they're not prepared. So the reason that we would do this is to reset the sexual interactions between us. Maybe there's been pressure. Maybe there's been discomfort of deception and lies. And it's like, we need to take a break to reset either the dopamine system, or we need to reset the interaction between us, which is focused so much on sex that it's overwhelming. Often the betrayed partner, but I've also seen individuals who were acting out and saying, I need to go prove to myself that I can be abstinent for a period of time. And I'm going to do this because I feel I've been out of control. So I've seen both directions. So the why could be many ways.

I think you're absolutely right. I know that oftentimes with addiction, we often talk about 90 days because it takes about 90 days for the chemicals in the brain. We know with addiction, we know that there's dopamine spikes. And we know that oftentimes because of the dopamine spikes, the brain isn't able to absorb all of the neurochemicals that are released. And that's why oftentimes there's more progressive behaviors because the brain's searching for its— it wants more dopamine because it's already flooded and because it hasn't been soaked back up. And so it takes about 90 days for the brain to be able to reset. Or for those chemicals to reset again. And so usually with any addiction, we're often looking for about that 90-day reset. So that makes sense. And it also makes sense oftentimes when there's been pressure in a relationship, and oftentimes for a betrayed partner, every time my partner touches me, is my partner touching me because they want to have a connected relationship with me? Are they touching me or seeking out interaction with me because they just want sex? It's really hard to tell because our relationship has been so pressured by their addiction. It's just so confusing. And so having time to slow down and say, let's just take this off of the table and just do a reset, slow things down. Many times in relationships, you know, as we've talked about the intimacy pyramid, instead of having that base psychological safety and trust. Are you there for me? Oftentimes relationships might be built on the sexual factor without that safety and trust. And so this can slow it down and say, let's start rebuilding the relationship on a focus on how do we interact? How do we build trust in other ways? And that's going to be our focus. And the, the sex part isn't And yes, we do have to define as a couple what feels appropriate for us and what doesn't feel appropriate for us. And you know what? Our bodies are sexual. And so if we hug, guess what? Our bodies will probably respond, especially because they know how to respond that way and they're used to it. And so we do have to figure out how to deal with that.

And that's where I see a lot of couples struggle is, is in that space of Well, can we hug? Because what if I get aroused? Well, can I get aroused and it not lead to sexual intercourse? So I think that this is part of the conversation of how do we do physical touch? How do we hug? How do we cuddle in bed? Do we cuddle in bed? And what happens if one or both are aroused? Because this is something that I've seen over and over, MaryAnn, when couples have tried this, they say, well, we didn't make it. Well, who instigated it?

Both.

I've heard both stories. And then if I feel like a failure, like we failed this, that's what I don't want my clients to experience. Like, what did you learn from this experience? See, when we take a break away from that, our goal is to increase other forms of intimacy, other forms of connection, as you were referring to earlier in the intimacy pyramid. But if we're going to do 90 days, it needs to be intentional. It needs to be prepared for. We need to explore other forms of intimacy. We need to be able to talk openly about Man, this is really hard for me. I, I, can you imagine instead of putting pressure, the person who has been wanting sex more often, the person acting out, usually that's the case, not always. I'm having a hard time. I'm feeling aroused. And so tonight's been really hard, but I'm going to do this. Can you imagine that conversation?

You know, Dr. Skinner, I'm reminded of a client that I had several years ago who came to me and said, Is it even possible for me not to masturbate? Like, I've been masturbating every single day since I was 12, at least once a day. Wow. And they were in their mid-30s. Wow. And the concept of not masturbating, they had no mental concept of what that might even look like. And so for me to say, yeah, yeah. They had no idea what that could even look like. And so I know that for some of my clients, this is a really new concept and this idea of, oh, I could have some sexual self-mastery. This is a place, this is a time to start learning what would sexual self-mastery look like.

Hmm. So you talk about self-mastery, learning how to deal with my own emotions, learning how to regulate my own emotions. Often what I find here is that couples— and I'm not— either direction, we use it for soothing, comforting, because that's what we've become accustomed to. And especially in a relationship, when we ask about a 90-day, how will we soothe each other without it being sexual? And again, I want to say both partners will struggle with this at times when it has been a core part of how they've nurtured and soothed this relationship. And so I want to go both directions here. But if it's my primary way of soothing, learning how to be soothed in other ways is a great thing for your relationship. And I can't emphasize that concept enough. We've become so accustomed to that way of soothing. It's not bad that I want it. It's not wrong that I want to be sexual. It's not wrong that I want to be soothed that way. But I will live if I don't have it. It won't kill me.

And are there other new healthy ways that I can learn to interact with my spouse or partner that aren't sexual, that are perhaps even equally enjoyable? What would happen if we are sitting down and if holding hands, I don't know, is holding hands on the table, or is it not? That's something that as a couple we decide. Holding hands can be incredibly arousing or sexual if sex isn't on the table. And what does that look like? Or is it just, what does it feel like to hold hands and to not have it be sexual, just to have it be companionable?

And in that sense, to be holding hands, a hug, a foot massage, Even if I am aroused, being able to say, wow, I'm aroused and we don't have to have sex. And that's okay as we discuss that openly. And to me, that's where we're developing a deeper form of honesty and wow, what is this? You arouse me as a human being and I'm feeling this. And if it doesn't lead to sex, it's not going to kill me. But what it will do is it will create an openness and a conversation. So I tell people, you have to deal with the different types of intimacy. Are we going to have physical touch or not physical touch in preparation? Because when you don't have a plan for that and you're not able to talk about arousal, you get aroused like that. The natural step is to take it into the sexual interaction that leads to an orgasm.

Mm-hmm. There, there can be a lot of freedom if I know that sex is off the table. Sexual interactions off the table, what that means is I can be free or more free and open with you, and I can say things and even be emotionally open and honest with you and sharing with you in places where perhaps in the past or in the future where we would normally maybe go into a sexual— but in this place, what if I don't? Does that mean we can even go deeper? Yes. Verbally, emotionally.

And yes. And so that's part of it is like, I said, people said, well, if we're not going to be sexual, what are we going to do? Well, what if you guys chose to read a book together and talk about it? Now you're forming a form of verbal and emotional intimacy, cognitive intimacy. What if you turned on a comedian? Let's turn on Jim Gaffigan and let's listen to some of the comedy and we laugh together. Or maybe we go for a walk in nature or bike ride, and now we're developing these other forms of intimacy. And naturally, that's where it may have led us to sexual interaction in the past. But what if those things are building up this reserve of connection because we're learning how to be intimate in multiple ways? So when couples succeed, Marianne, after the 90 days, they reset. Are they done? No, they're still going to have to learn about what intimacy means. It's just, they're going to have a model that's built on more depth rather than primarily focused on sexual interactions.

I'm so glad you brought that up because I had a client who went to an inpatient and they said, hey, we want you to do a 90-day sex fast. And so my client said, okay, okay, I'll do, you know, I bought into the program, I'm doing it. And And they said the whole time I was there, all I could do, like I was counting down the days. All I could do was think about sex. I just fantasized about it. It was just like, that was all they were pretty consumed about it. They spent hours in their head just fantasizing, thinking about it. I don't think that was the intent, but that, that is where that client went. And then they said, and then when I had sex with my wife, it was awful. It was horrible. It didn't meet any of my expectations. It didn't meet any of my fantasies because I had built it up so much in my head and things didn't work the way that I had anticipated and expected. And so I think it's important to talk about that part of it as well. If we've done this 90-day sex fast and we've been working on other parts of our relationship, it's okay to say, hey, you know what? There's been some damage in our relationship. We've been working on these other areas. How do we do a restart on our sexual relationship as well? With a computer, sometimes we say, you know, we've got some corrupted files in here. We've got some things that aren't working. Let's go back and let's just do a restart and start over from, you know, from scratch. And let's, let's rebuild some things. Let's, let's start again. And I think this is a place where we can really do this. It doesn't mean we have to jump exactly back to where we were., but we can say, what do we want to bring into this space? How do we want to do this differently?

And so I would say to that, then how do we nurture this relationship? So if you're gonna do a 90-day sex fast, how are we gonna nurture this? Be intentional. Like, let's create a plan of action so we stay connected because you can do a sex fast which can pull you apart from each other cuz we don't know how to deal with this without sex. So what if we're doing these other things, we're having these conversations and maybe sometimes the most meaningful conversations. So when that 90-day sex fast is done, your sex is incredible because you've been bonding in the other ways. That should be the primary goal. If you're just doing a 90-day sex fast because that's what was suggested and you don't have a plan of action, I'm really concerned about that because then, like you, the story you shared, where does it lead? Well, it wasn't as intense as I thought it was gonna be. No, we're looking for human connection, Marian. We're looking for bonding. We're looking for us to be relational beings in new ways. That should be the desired outcome.

And so if this is something that you're considering, you're thinking about trying, I would invite you to think about, as you're saying, very intentionally. So what are some rituals that we would like to bring into our relationship that we can use to help us bond? So will we be going for a walk together each day? And, and, you know, you threw out some things, some comedy, listening to some books. Where are some very intentional things that we'll be spending time learning and growing so that we're not just avoiding each other? Because we could say, oh, I'm not going to have anything to do with you for 90 days. It's going to be too hard for me to be around you. So I'm just going to avoid you for 90 days. That's not where you're going. We're saying, let's figure out how to still spend time together in beautiful, intentional ways that just aren't sexual.

You know, Marianne, it's been a while since I've put some show notes in, in our online course, the free podcast course. I'll tell you what, to our listeners, go to the course, the Human Intimacy Podcast, and I will put 10 questions that you guys can talk about related to this as a conversation piece. So if you would like a conversation piece of other things to talk about as you're going through the sex fast, I'll put it in the show notes. And if you go to the course, it'll be, I think this is podcast 129. So look for it there and I'll put it there so you can see some questions to talk about while you're doing the sex fast.

We might need 90, Dr. Skinner.

90 questions. I'm going to start with 10. If I can get up to 90, maybe I will, but, uh, Yeah. All right. As we close up tonight, Marianne, final thoughts that you have?

My final thoughts are that I know this can be a difficult conversation. This can be a shocking conversation, and this can also be a really exhilarating conversation. When I first started my own journey, I heard about this and said, this is something I need. I'm learning how to have boundaries and I'm learning, and this is something that I need. It wasn't something my spouse was really excited about, but he said, okay. You need this, that's fine. And we worked through it. And later on, a couple years later, my spouse said, you know what, when we did that before, I was there because that's what you said you needed. But I think that I need to, I need to do this for me so that I can learn to have a better relationship with you. Not because you, not because it came from you, but because I want our relationship to build in a different way. I share that because this is difficult. It's because we want to have deep relationships and our sexual relationships, that's a part of our relationship. And so I know that this could feel like a difficult conversation that we're sharing. It could feel triggering and this might not be for everybody and that's okay. But this is something that if you are in the world of betrayal trauma, if you're in the world of sex addiction or unwanted sexual behaviors, you've probably heard it talked about. And so I think it's a good conversation for our listeners to consider. How might this work for me? And how can I do this if it could be beneficial?

Yeah. And I would say it, well, it's not for everybody. For those who do it, if you do it intentionally, you're more likely to get a positive outcome. And again, rarely do I recommend this personally to my clients unless they're talking about it or unless there's a lot of pressure sexually. That's when I'm like, look, we need to take a break. It may not be 90 days, but we need to take the pressure off. We need to stop and analyze and figure it out. So 90 days is, is a, there's not a scientific number specifically behind that. But the point then is, can we do a reset? So we're connecting in multiple ways. And yes, you may say 90 days, I've seen people do longer because they're like, I still haven't learned what I need to learn. I've seen that from individuals. So the point then is put it into application if it feels appropriate and you both are engaged. The general concept, both partners need to do this, or the person who's been betrayed saying, I need this. And if they need that, then if you've betrayed, then give them that space so they can reset and you can learn about the importance of that reset.

Maybe to wrap a bow around all of this, this is about a better relationship for both of you. That's what we're trying to talk about here. This is a tool about building a better sexual relationship.

And a better overall relationship, right?

Yes. Yes.

All right. Well, thank you, Marianne, for the conversation. If you have questions, if you would like us to talk more about this, info@humanintimacy.com. If you would like some conversation questions related to this, I'll put that in the show notes that is at the Human Intimacy Podcast at humanintimacy.com under free courses. Marianne, thank you so much for your time, and may each of you, our listeners, be blessed. Marianne, thank you. Dr.

Skinner.