The Burden of Sexual Betrayal (Episode #23)

On behalf of me and Marianne Michaelis, I'd like to thank you for being a listener of our Human Intimacy Podcast this year. It's always a privilege to spend time with you and I want to express my deep gratitude. If you are ready to take your healing and recovery to the next level, you're ready to deepen your healing and strengthen your connection and gain real tools for meaningful change. I invite you to join us and other Experts at the 2nd Annual Human Intimacy Conference where myself, Marianne and many other leading experts will come together for powerful teaching, live question and answer sessions and provide insightful pre conference conversations to help you get the most out of your conference experience. And right now, you can save 50% when you register before December 31st. Please don't miss this opportunity. Visit human intimacy.com and reserve your spot today. There's something about you that I can't help but smile. When you smile and laugh when you laugh, something's around you. Welcome to the Human intimacy podcast. I'm Dr. Kevin Skinner. My focus today is the burden of sexual betrayal. Over the past 25 years of my career, I've had the opportunity to sit with individuals who have betrayed their partner and those who've been betrayed. It has created significant relationship issues. And I have found that many couples do not know how to work through their differences. So much so that today, 2024, the research suggests that 6 out of 10 divorces. That's right, 6 out of 10 divorces. Some form of sexual betrayal is listed as one of the most common reasons for the filing of divorce. So today I want to address the burden of sexual betrayal. And the way I'm going to do it is from the perspective of both partners. Thanks for joining me. Now, before I jump into today's content regarding the burden of sexual betrayal, let me invite you to our website, human intimacy.com where you can learn how to have deep intimate relationships through our assessments, through our courses, through our groups. If you want to learn more, I would love to have you join me@human intimacy.com where we have seasoned professionals with over 90 years of clinical experience. Dr. Dave Robinson, Marianne Michaelis, and Amy Anderson, myself. The four of us combined are working to help individuals and couples create the type of relationships that they long for in their lives. So please join us@human intimacy.com As I begin this discussion today. I'd like to invite you to think about a friend, a family member, somebody who you care deeply about. And I want you to imagine that they come to you and they begin to describe fear, anxiousness, a Racing mind that they, they can't sleep very well, they feel like there's something wrong with them, that they're unlovable, that they're not enough, and that they're having nightmares, they're having flashbacks, and they're really taking a risk and opening up to you because they've been avoiding people and places that remind them of what's triggered this pain. Now, as you begin to think about this, how would you comfort them? What would you want to say to this friend of yours? Now, you might not know why they are experiencing these things. And so you begin asking questions and you say, well, can you share with me what is creating these things, these symptoms inside of you? And they look down, maybe a little bit sad and scared and worried how you might respond. And they say, my partner cheated on me, My partner's been lying to me and having an affair, or, or my partner's been caught up in unwanted sexual behaviors. Now, as you reflect on this, and they just told you about all these symptoms, not sleeping well, having negative thoughts, that there's something wrong with them, avoiding people and places, having nightmares. These are the symptoms that we refer to as post traumatic stress. And so today I want to introduce the burden of sexual betrayal, beginning with the partner's perspective who's been betrayed. And then I'm going to look at it from the lens of the person who has been acting out sexually and betraying their partner. And then we will conclude with a discussion on the burden of the relationship. Now, as we've been talking about the post traumatic stress symptoms, nightmares, flashbacks, avoiding people and places, negative self talk, I'm unlovable, there's something wrong with me, and then the racing mind. These are some of the most common post traumatic stress symptoms. Now, in my research, over 70 to 80% of individuals experience these post traumatic stress symptoms. So the burden of sexual betrayal and the betrayed partner often misunderstood because it's really hard for us as a society and for individuals to look at this from the lens of post traumatic stress. Usually that's because post traumatic stress has been historically referred to as from a perspective of war veterans. And yet we know that individuals in car crashes, experiencing natural disasters, or other traumatic events, for some even going to the dentist, can trigger post traumatic stress symptoms. So why not sexual betrayal? My argument is, and it's based upon research, that sexual betrayal triggers PTSD symptoms in many betrayed partners. My research not only suggests that, but it also indicates that many individuals in society do not know how to respond. As a result, many betrayed partners pull away from Society because they don't feel heard and they don't feel understood. So they're carrying this burden by themselves. Both men and women who've been betrayed and they don't know where to turn, which creates a situation where there begins to be social isolation. You stop reaching out because you don't know who to trust. Speaking about the burden, when you don't trust people, you pull away from them. You don't allow them into your world. And so I have seen in my career that many betrayed partners isolate themselves away from others. The results are staggering. When you pull away from others and you don't have support and you're isolated and you don't know who to trust, then where do you turn? In my career, I've seen many individuals carry this burden in silence far too long, suffering in that silence. And so the burden of sexual betrayal from the betrayed partner is that they're experiencing post traumatic stress symptoms. They don't know who to turn to and they don't know where to go. Now the consequence of that is you begin to lose trust in society. And even more is many betrayed partners find that they are angrier than they've ever been. Now, in 2017, I did a TED talk that described these symptoms titled the Other side of Infidelity. You can find it on YouTube. Over 1.1 million people have watched my TEDx talk. The comments and the feedback that I've received since then, I finally feel understood. I finally feel heard. Somebody's explaining what I've experienced. I'm not going crazy. These are the types of statements that I have heard after my TED talk. But unfortunately, many individuals still misunderstand. Sexual betrayal triggers an internalized question. What's wrong with me? Am I not enough? Why would my partner deceive me? Why would my partner lie to me? And this internalized belief begins to create an environment where individuals begin to have health related issues. Their body's digestive system changes, their sleep patterns change. The joy that they used to feel in life, the happiness, the connections also diminish or go away. So the burden of betrayal on the betrayed partner is absolutely profound. Many individuals who I've talked to also struggle in knowing how to communicate with their partner. They struggle mightily. And that is another consequence. How do I interact with this person who has betrayed me? Unfortunately, as I've talked with individuals, they find that they're angrier, more critical, and as a result, their partner, not necessarily knowing how to respond, pulls away. Further, when they need comfort the most, the betraying person pulls away either in shame, or they're continually engaging in that behavior and they blame their partner for their behaviors, what we refer to as gaslighting. So the burden of sexual betrayal and the betrayed is not only do they have these internalized emotions, but they also have physical symptoms where their body begins to have health consequences. Stress, lack of sleep are just two of the common ones. We see other things, headaches. As a result, we have to look at it from multiple factors. Emotional distress, symptoms of PTSD, and physical distress, where individuals increase in the need for physical support from medical doctors. When they go to medical doctors, many of them are diagnosed with anxiety or depression. And yet I began this podcast today by talking about post traumatic stress symptoms. Many are not diagnosed with ptsd, and yet the research suggests that many of them are experiencing these symptoms. So the burden of betrayal on the betrayed partner. Hopefully it makes it more clear that these are just some of the burdens. What I haven't talked about is the social ramifications. When you begin to pull away from others in society, you do experience more loneliness. You lose trust. You don't know who to trust. And as a result of that, you begin to have fears that others are out to get you. I've heard of individuals who no longer know how to trust family members, and family members sometimes don't know how to respond either. When individuals begin to say what they've experienced, sometimes parents and other family members tell them that that's just normal, just move on. That happens in relationships. And when that occurs, now, the people who you would expect to be there to support you are not available. In my research, one of the things I asked was this question. How effective were you in getting support? Or how effective were the people that you reached out to? How effective were they at giving you support? Over half of them suggested that it wasn't very effective. So now when many people reach out, they're not getting the type of support they need to heal. So the burden of betrayal for betrayed partners is profound. Now, I'd like to turn to the person who's been acting out. Now, many times when I start going over this concept, I get a little bit of pushback, like, especially from individuals who've been betrayed. I don't really care about my partner, and they lied to me, They've deceived me. But I want to put it through a lens of what it's like for the betraying partner. Now I'm gonna go back to an imaginary scenario that maybe I've heard over and over through my career. So I'd like To share that with you. It's a story that's similar. What's it like if you had to carry a secret that you couldn't tell anybody about because you were afraid? You were afraid that they would judge you. You're afraid that you'd get in trouble in some situations, you're afraid that your spouse would leave you, that your would disown you, you might get fired from a job. And yet here you are, engaging in a behavior that puts all of these things at risk. What's that stress level like? How does it influence the body? How does it influence sleep patterns? More often than not, we think of individuals who are having affairs as people are. You know, they're just fixated. They're so excited, and it's such a wonderful, glorious thing. And yet, as I've talked with individuals, especially individuals who are compulsively sexually acting out and can't stop. The individuals who've hired 60 sex workers, the individuals who are taking a risk, they're being engaging in sexual relationships with people who they don't want to, but they can't stop themselves. Now, we may say these individuals are more prone to have sexual compulsivity or sexually addictive behaviors. But imagine that that's your world, that you're keeping secrets, you're doing things that could put your relationship at risk and your children might not ever respect you again. That burden is not something we typically talk about because we typically think about the person who's caught in the act, that they were just enjoying the journey, having a great time. Now, I'm not going to discount that some people are in that sexual trance. And yet, as I've asked individuals who've come to me in my office who've been acting out what it's like, many of them feel disgusted, out of control, isolated, alone. And what we have maybe forgotten is that in their way, they too are suffering because they don't know how to get help. They don't know where to reach out. And unfortunately, the person who could comfort them, they have betrayed and lost their trust. And so as I've worked with individuals who've come to my office having betrayed their partner, as they begin to what I refer to as wake up, they begin to recognize the pain they've created. And more often than not, they don't know how to rebuild their relationship. And so many flounder, they say, sorry for this, stupid things, minimize their behavior, blame their partner because their shame, many situations. Well, I wouldn't have done this if you would have finished that sentence. And so in that situation, they put on this facade and they push their partner away. They don't feel worthy of their partner. In some situations, I've heard individuals, well, I pulled away because I wanted to protect my partner. I didn't want them to, you know, I didn't want to be close because I didn't feel like I deserved them. And yet here they are in the relationship carrying this secret. And now if it comes into the open, they don't know what to say, they don't know how to say it. And as a result, they're suffering too. They're out of control and they don't know where to turn for support, because the person that they would like to get support from, they have hurt. Many people say, well, you made your bed, sleep in it. But as I have worked with individuals who've betrayed their partners over the years, many of them have reported early life sexual experiences. Maybe they were introduced to sexual activity at age 4 or 5 or 6, 9 or 10, introduced to pornography, whatever the sexual experience is that they've kept secret, that they've never really revealed it. A few years ago, I was doing a presentation in front of a group and I asked for someone to volunteer. And I said, hey, I know this is gonna be a very vulnerable experience, but would you be willing to share an experience? This guy raised his hand and I invited him to come to the front of the class. And we were talking. I said, so what was your first experience with pornography and other sexual activities? And his answer was, I think probably seven or eight. And I said, okay, so seven or eight. And then I just kind of did what we would refer to as a sexual history. And I just walked through his life, sexual experiences, and he's sharing everything in front of the group. And as we continued our conversation, I said, so when did you first tell somebody about these experiences? And he looked at me and he said, right now. Right now? I thought, yeah. He said, right now. I've never disclosed any of this for 20 plus years. He was nearly 30 years old, so about 22 years. He had never told anybody about his sexual history. It had kept him away from friendships because he didn't feel worthy of friendships. He felt that if people really knew what he was like, that they would not want to be with him. And so he had isolated himself away. And then on that fortuitous day, as I call for a volunteer, he raises his hand and has the courage to so to speak out himself in front of everybody else. Letting go of that secret, the secretive behaviors, the hidden Behaviors that had kept him isolated and away from people for over 20 years. It took a lot of courage. But can you imagine that kind of isolation, that kind of secrecy for 20 plus years now? It doesn't just stop there because as I continue to work with individuals, I find that many of them, because they're afraid that people won't want them when they do get into a relationship. They're afraid to be open and honest and transparent with the person that they're getting into a relationship with. So they begin a relationship with their secrets, with their hidden behaviors, thinking that somehow marriage is going to make it go away. But marriage doesn't make it go away. There's conflict and there's problems and there's tension. And so they begin to realize that, okay, marriage didn't make it go away. And so they continue on in this secretive behavior and then they get caught. And then they do a disclosure and, and share their whole sexual history. And their partner feels more betrayed, more hurt because of the secrets, because of the lies, because of the deception. Why didn't you tell me this? Because you wouldn't have married me, because you wouldn't have chosen me. And so the burden now I've carried this secret and now I've hurt the person that I want to be with. I've had these behaviors. I didn't dare tell them the stress of that. Now I share this because these are the cases that I see in my office where individuals who've been betrayed are experiencing post traumatic stress and social isolation. They don't know how to connect with their partner, they don't trust their partner. And the partner who's been acting out has been carrying a burden, a secret with them more often than not. In many situations, not only hiding the behavior, but as they continue in it, they feel more controlled by it. They feel out of control, and then they don't know how to connect with their partner. They feel ashamed or embarrassed. In some situations they are trying to protect their partner, but that creates more problems in their partner because they feel rejected. And so now this couple doing this awful dance don't know how to work through things, don't know how to communicate. And this is a primary problem. Couples don't know how to communicate at this phase. In fact, when I do intensives, one of the things that I try to do with couples is help them communicate after the betrayal in a way that is open, transparent, and helps them heal if that's what the couple wants. It's some of the most powerful moments of my career when I See couples learning to communicate in effective ways. That's what I do in my intensives, because I have found that most couples, they don't know how to do it. And that is the thing that most couples have to learn to do. And so let me conclude today's podcast by talking about the burden of betrayal the couple. So we've talked about it from the betrayed side. We've talked about it from the betraying partner side. But now this couple is trying to communicate. The betrayed partner is asking question after question after question. The betraying partner may answer, or they may get fed up and go into what we refer to as fight mode, where they shift the energy because they're being exposed to their partner and they blame their partner and finding excuse after excuse. If you would have, you didn't do this, or you made me feel. And those types of statements. Pushing the blame outside is very common when individuals feel shame. So one of the core burdens of sexual betrayal is actually underlying shame. The betraying partner feels shame because they're being exposed, and the betrayed partner feels shame because they don't feel like they're enough. So one of the common burdens of sexual betrayal is actually shame. And when shame is unresolved, couples don't heal because you can't have empathy. There's research to support this. In Daniel Hughes book Attachment Focused Family Therapy, he talks about this core concept that individuals who have high levels of shame have lower levels of empathy, meaning they have a harder time showing their partner that they understand their hurt. In other words, shame then triggers a fight response, which triggers gaslighting and hiding behaviors. Now, if you'd like to learn more about this concept, you can read my book, Rebuild you'd Relationship After Sexual Betrayal, where I have a whole chapter on shame and how it influences couples. All right, now there's two other parts that I'd like to add to this. We've talked about how shame is a part of the couple's relationship. We've talked about how many couples don't know how to talk about their differences, primarily because they have yet to learn how to solve problems in the relationship. So many times as I've worked with individuals, I will look at the patterns of how they deal with conflict, how they resolve problems. And I have found that even with the sexual betrayal, many couples don't know how to resolve problems. So the consequence is now we have an even more difficult situation and they didn't have the skills to resolve problems in the first place. How to work through them, how to communicate about them. And so this may not be all couples, but I have found that many couples, they struggle to communicate. And so I ask a question, and it really is a question that I've asked around the world, as I've done trainings for therapists and religious leaders. And the question is this. How effective were your primary caregivers, your parents, at teaching you how to have a healthy relationship, how to communicate effectively? And as I've asked that question, on the scale between 0 and 10, a majority, over 50% of people say that they were under a 5, meaning they did not see healthy communication in their childhood. They did not learn how to solve problems. Across the world, I've done that exercise, and rarely do I get a group that averages over 5. So the reality is we are in a society today where we don't have the relationship skills, we don't know how to solve problems, and now we add to it the sexual betrayal and infidelity. The consequence is that far too many couples, they get into those situations, they don't know what to say. They don't know what to do because they don't know how. They've never been taught. So it's been my experience that when couples get into these types of situations, they really don't know how to communicate. Usually the betrayed partner is feeling so hurt and so alone. They've got so many questions, and there's so much anger now. The anger itself is normal. And as they turn to their betraying partner, the person who's hurt them, they're looking for answers. They're looking for some kind of comfort. And when it doesn't come, this is where couples get stuck. They don't know how to unravel those key moments of time. If you want to learn how to do that, there are steps you can take. I'll just give you a couple of key steps. Today, we have to learn how to understand each other on a deeper level. Meaning we have to understand the betrayed partner's pain, meaning we have to learn how to have empathy and compassion if we have betrayed our partner. Usually we include things like a disclosure so you can be completely open and honest. And then the betrayed partner, the unburdening, is coming back to your true self, reclaiming your true identity, learning how to create boundaries, learning how to communicate your pain effectively, and being able to be heard by the betraying partner. Learning how to do that as a couple, it takes time and it takes effort. And really being able to help couples communicate around. That core issue is one of the key reasons why therapy can be so effective. Learning how to do this is not easy, but doing it on your own is like trying to learn how to build a rocket ship without any instructions. And you haven't even been trained on how to build a rocket ship. So learning how to do this, it takes skilled professionals. And I've worked with many individuals, even seasoned professionals, who struggle to help couples. And the reason why? Because the answers are not as easy. When we get emotionally upset, when we don't know how to deal with our own emotions, we don't know how to stay present for each other in the pain or the hurt or the addictive behaviors, when we can't work through those things, then we begin to feel hopeless and helpless. I can't tell you how many times I've seen an individual come to my office. Usually the betraying partner, he's stuck or she's stuck, doesn't know what to say or do because they feel ashamed of their behaviors. The betrayed partner feels like they're not being heard, has more questions, they feel like they're not getting answers. And then when they begin to try to communicate about it, they get stuck. So if we're going to unravel, that unburden you from really begins with a process of communication. How to do a proper disclosure, how to listen, how to understand, and then ultimately how to take accountability, especially if you're the person who's acted out, how to be appropriate, how to take account steps so you can start to rebuild trust. If this is what you want, then there's a price you have to pay. My suggestion is to find a local CSAT certified sex addiction therapist in your area. If you'd like to learn more, you can go to our website, humanintimacy.com where we have courses for individuals who have acted out, for individuals who've been betrayed, and for couples on how to rebuild their relationship. Let me just conclude with some final thoughts. There are answers. You don't have to do this alone, but you do need to understand that both partners and the relationship now has a burden. Know it's not fair and know it's not right. If you've been betrayed and if you have betrayed the responsibility to help your partner heal, to repair the relationship, to make amends, you can do that, but you have to be accountable and you have to be willing and you have to have an open heart, an open mind to become a better person. Because sexual betrayal is deep and profound. How we got there. Learning how we got there is important. Learning how to repair is important. Learning how to understand your Partner's pain is important. And if you've been betrayed, learning how to work through your issues, learning how to understand your partner, and learning how to. To move beyond their hurt, their betrayal, these are things that couples can do. But it is a process, not an event. And so you're going to go through many ups and you're going to go through many downs. The burden of betrayal is real. Unfortunately, our society overlooks it, minimizes it, glosses it over. It's nothing but staggering and difficult. And yet, at the same time, when couples put in their efforts, their heart, into the process, some of the most incredible things I've ever witnessed, it's couples who rebuild the relationship after sexual betrayal. They unburden the burden. They learn how to have a better relationship. Now, I appreciate you for taking the time to listen to this podcast. I know it's heavy, but this is the population that I've worked with for much of my career. One of the reasons that I've created Human Intimacy is that I'm absolutely convinced that we've got to be more preventative. We've got to help individuals from the earliest stages to learn how to have healthy, intimate relationships. And when they get stuck and when they get burdened down by sexual behaviors that they know how to turn to somebody before it's too late, before they've hurt, before they've gaslit. We need to have more open dialogue before relationships begin. We need to talk about our sexuality and our expectations. We need to have open conversations, and we need to continue to have these conversations throughout our relationships, relationship, because when we do, we continue to have expectations of love and kindness. We've got to be better in relationship at showing love and being more loving and being more patient and meeting each other's needs. In an upcoming podcast that I've got scheduled, it's titled Addressing Sexual Desire Discrepancies. It's one of the more common reasons that couples have come to me that they identify as some of the key issues that have triggered their relationship issues. So we're going to need to talk about that. All right. Today, I just want to conclude by saying thank you for your time. Thank you for being a part of the Human Intimacy Podcast. Please share this with your friends. Share it with family members or people who you think would benefit from listening to this podcast. Thank you again for your time. May you be blessed in your pursuit of deep, intimate relationships. Thank you very much.