The State of Human Intimacy in a Culture Filled with Fear (Episode #7)

On behalf of me and Marianne Michaelis, I'd like to thank you for being a listener of our Human Intimacy Podcast this year. It's always a privilege to spend time with you and I want to express my deep gratitude. If you are ready to take your healing and recovery to the next level, you're ready to deepen your healing and strengthen your connection and gain real tools for meaningful change. I invite you to join us and other Experts at the 2nd Annual Human Intimacy Conference where myself, Marianne and many other leading experts will come together for powerful teaching, live question and answer sessions and provide insightful pre conference conversations to help you get the most out of your conference experience. And right now you can save 50% when you register before December 31st. Please don't miss this opportunity. Visit human intimacy.com and reserve your spot today.

Something about you that I can't help but smile when you smile and laugh when you laugh, something's around you. Welcome to the Human intimacy podcast. I'm Dr. Kevin Skinner. I'm excited that you are joining me today. Today we don't have a special guest. Instead we're going to be talking about why the Human Intimacy Podcast and we're going to be discussing what we as humans can do to find more deep and intimate relationships. I'm going to be focusing on how we communicate. I'm going to be talking about the state of human intimacy and what we as a society can do to strengthen our relationships. So stay with me. I look forward to having a conversation with you about the state of human intimacy. As we get started today, I I would like to invite you to think about how you would define intimacy. Do you think of it from the concept of being a sexual experience or do you have a different definition of intimacy as you think about the word? Now, I'm going to share with you what I would say intimacy is and what intimacy is not. In order for me to best do this, I'd like to share an experience that I had over the weekend. This past weekend I attended the funeral of my uncle. He was 100 years old. He had his family around him and over the past few years he's been going from his daughter's home to a care center, but still visiting family members literally throughout the western part of the United States. As we sat in the pews, his family shared wonderful stories about a man who served in World War II who, when he was a young dad, had one of his nephews come up who was living in a very difficult environment. And his nephew said, uncle Lyle, can I live with you and my Uncle Lyle. My Aunt Alice took him in and raised him and loved him. At his funeral, his children gave him a great compliment. They said he was a man without guile. He was calm, he was loving, he was kind. This is what I think about when I think about human intimacy. The ability to be loved, to receive love. Now, how do some people get there and other people not get there? Why are some people angry and some people upset? As I was driving home to attend his funeral, I stopped at a restaurant and then went into a restroom. As I was in the restroom, a dad came in with his son. And he was yelling at his son, hurry up. Get this over with. We gotta go. And as I thought about that experience, the intensity, I thought about what it would be like being that child growing up in the home where even going to the bathroom you're told to rush to. Hurry up. Now, I'm not trying to criticize the father, but what I'm trying to say is what is the difference between a man whose children say he never got upset, he was calm, in contrast with what that little boy experienced in that restroom. What's it like growing up in those types of environments? And how do we create a society where we can connect on those deeper levels? I invite you to think about that and how you are approaching relationships. Are you approaching relationships with love in your heart and kindness, or are you approaching relationships from angst and frustration? I know that we all long for human intimacy and human connection. But are we creating an internal state of mind where we allow that to happen? Now, let me share with you what I would say is the definition of human intimacy. To me, intimacy is a deep and close connection between individuals often associated with romantic relationships, but not exclusively so. It involves a high level of understanding, trust and familiarity. Intimacy can be emotional, feeling close and connected to others. It can be intellectual, sharing our thoughts and our ideas. It can also include physical touch and sexual activity. Or it can be experiential, where we have shared experiences and activities. It's the feeling of being known and. And understood on a deep personal level. All right. So now I've defined human intimacy. My question to you is, how comfortable are you with this type of intimacy where we're talking about our thoughts and our emotions, where we're having experiences together, where we're experiencing physical touch, not always sexual, but we're allowing ourselves to relax in the presence of others? Are we creating an environment, as Tara Brock once said, where it's easy to love us? I invite you to think about this because it is the deepest desire of our hearts to create deep and lasting intimate relationships. And yet it is not something that comes easily. In fact, I dare say that in today's culture, trust is at an all time low. We don't trust each other. We don't allow ourselves to have these deep, intimate connections because we don't know people, we don't trust people, we don't like people. But why don't we? If we're going to have a societal change, what we need to understand is that we can have an influence on all of society by learning how to create deep, lasting, intimate relationships. But how do we do that? I think about that little boy in that restroom who's being told to hurry up. And I contrast that with an environment where I myself personally was around my uncle. I never saw him upset. He was serving and he was giving of his time to help others. I will never forget trips to Yellowstone park where he would take us on boat rides, where we would go on hikes, we would fish. We would have these types of experiences that were always enjoyable and relaxing. Now, I can't say that his life was always filled with joy. He had many physical health issues early in his life. But what I can say is that we as human beings can learn to create intimate interactions. It's a skill, it's not given to us. So if you find yourself listening to this podcast, thinking about your fears of intimacy, your concerns, your inability to trust people, I want to say that we can learn to create deep intimate bonds. And that's really what this podcast is all about. I want to help all of us in our society achieve the kind of relationships that we find joy in. So I am glad you're with me now. Let me address a couple of core questions related to human intimacy and I'll also share a few of my thoughts related to it. The first question is why are we struggling so much as a society to create these kind of intimate relationships? Just let me give you an example. We live in a culture today where in the United States of America, every year roughly 725,000 couples go through a divorce. We also have verbal and emotional abuse at all time. Highs physical abuse. So what is happening in our relationships that we're fighting like maybe never before, where we're ending relationships at a high level? Why are we struggling so much in these interactions? My suggestion and my belief is, is that we don't have the relationship skills and we're not being taught how to create the kind of relationships that are meaningful and lasting, the kind that we long for. So why? Why are we doing it this way? So if intimacy is the deepest desires of our heart, why aren't we spending more time developing our skills and as a society saying we've got to do more, why aren't we putting more funding into it? Why aren't we teaching relationship skills in our schools? What is happening that's preventing us from spending this type of energy to create the kind of relationships that we long for? Imagine what would happen if we could create deeper relationships where there was connection, communication, understanding, the capacity to. To ask for forgiveness if we've offended and to forgive if we have been offended. To communicate more effectively, to acknowledge the times where we make mistakes. To say I'm sorry, to be able to say I love you. This relationship matters to me. These are seemingly simple phrases, but we live in a culture today where I'm afraid that we aren't saying it enough. So now if we go back to the original question of what is happening? Why aren't we creating these type of relationships? What do you think? Do you think it's because we weren't taught in our childhood? Do you think it's because we don't have the ability today to say I'm sorry? Or do we lack self awareness that we aren't even aware of what to do and how to communicate the. The way that we could to connect on a deeper level just the other day. As a professional therapist, I work with individuals from throughout the world. I train other therapists, but it is a very common scenario where individuals come to me and they simply say, I don't know how to do this, I don't know how to say it right. And in many situations they're in conflict with their partner and their spouse. And when I watch them and observe them, they don't have the language, they don't know what to say and they don't know how to say it. So we role play, we practice, we spend time developing the skills so they can listen with empathy, they can feel their partner's pain with compassion, and they can connect on deeper levels. They don't know how to do this because they've never been taught. My firm belief is that when we are taught, we can accomplish what we long for. But why do we stay where we are? Is it because of fear? We're afraid of being hurt. What happens if I open up? What happens if I get hurt again? What happens if I get rejected? What happens if I do it wrong? And so we live in this place of fear rather than spending the energy to Say, I'm going to communicate more effectively. I'm going to show value to my partner, my spouse, my children, my loved ones. I'm going to be better in my relationships. The reasons that we don't are usually inside of us, meaning we are afraid of getting that deep connection, even though we long for it. And we're afraid because we're going to do it wrong. We're going to screw it up. We're afraid because we don't know how to do something and we don't want to look like we don't know how to do something. Imagine the relationship where we say to someone, I don't know how to do this right now. I don't know how to communicate effectively. Could I take a break? Could I take a time out? I need to figure out what I'm really trying to say here. Because I value this relationship. I value you. What kind of effort are we putting into our relationship? Skill development. I'm going to suggest that most of us aren't and the consequences our entire society suffers. We grow up in homes where we somehow just think that we're going to internalize how to have healthy relationships and live healthy happily ever after. But you don't just live happily ever after if you don't know how to deal with the most important people in your lives. That's ultimately what should be. Our goal is to learn how to connect on the deepest levels. Now I want to define intimacy in another way for a second. Imagine that it is in to me. See. See, I really think we're afraid of deep levels of intimacy because we don't like ourselves enough to let people into our world. We're afraid of being rejected. We're afraid that if people see into us that they will somehow, for whatever reason, they will reject us. But that's not accurate or congruent either. When people come into our worlds and we allow them in, when they see into us, they are really seeing who we are. Do you believe in your majesty, in your goodness, in your divine worth and value? See, we're only able or willing to let people into us if we like ourselves, if we love ourselves, not in an arrogant, conceited way, but people come into our worlds because we allow them in to our worlds. Now, if you can't address that fear, that fear of intimacy, it's usually because you carry shame with you. And when you carry shame with you, you have statements in your mind that sound something like this, There is something wrong with me. I am not enough. I am a failure. Nobody would want Me. And if you have those internal voices screaming at you in that way, of course you're not going to be able to create deep, intimate relationships because you don't want people to see in to you. Which is why we have to first address what we feel about ourselves when we achieve deeper levels of intimacy. It's because we are comfortable in our own skin. We believe we are worth other people's attention. We believe that we are of worth and value. So do you? Do I? Do we? When we come back to our true selves, when we come back to that true intimate self, the one that longs for that intimacy, and we know who we are, we absolutely can achieve deeper levels of intimacy. But not until our true fear of intimacy is that people will get to know us. That's what we need to overcome if we're going to achieve the kind of intimacy that we long for. Now, before we leave this topic too far, I'd like to invite you to reflect on the concepts we're talking about. Do you have a fear of intimacy? Give yourself a score between zero. I don't have any fear. And a seven. I have a lot of fear. Then let's talk about intimacy, allowing others in to see me. Give yourself a score of zero. I don't like people seeing me. Versus a seven. I really am comfortable allowing people to see into my mind, into my emotions, into who I am as a person. Then we need to ask this question. Do I like people? Give yourself a score of a zero, I don't like people. Or seven, I really like people. And then give yourself this score. Do I think people like me? Zero, they don't like me. And seven, I believe that people like me. Now, I'm asking you to do some self reflection here because I want to invite you to gain more insight into how you're seeing intimacy in your world. The purpose of this podcast is to really get us thinking about our lives and our interactions with people. The foundation of all human intimacy is built upon one fundamental concept, and that is the concept of safety. We only connect with people when we feel safe in their presence. So if you want to achieve deep, lasting relationships, then you have to allow people to see into your world. If you don't think people will like you, you're going to send a message out to the world that says, don't like me. If you don't like people, the same concept holds true. You're going to push people away because you don't like people. And in terms of letting people into your world, the depth of your Intimacy is only as deep as you allow people in. And if you are trying to get into a relationship with somebody who only has a certain level of comfort with intimacy, then you're going to be disappointed because you're wanting a deeper connection, but they're not allowing you in. See, our entire society, when we have people who are comfortable in each other's presence, comfortable who are safe, comfortable who want to connect, then we create the kind of relationships because we're comfortable with intimacy. So as you reflect on your scores, I invite you to give yourself time to reflect and write down your answers to those questions. And then ask yourself, why did I give myself that score? If you'll go through these types of exercises, your personal awareness will increase and you'll have a better capacity to strive for the types of intimacy or the type of intimacy that you most long for. Now, let me conclude with three specific strategies that you can implement today to increase the level of connection and intimacy in your life. Idea number one, Take the time to think about your approach to intimate relationships. Do you have fears? Do you have secrets? Do you have a concern about people looking into your world? If so, create a strategy or a game plan of what you can do to overcome it. Concept number two, begin by asking more questions. See, when we have meaningful conversations in our relationships, we get to know people in different ways. In order for us to ask those questions, that means that we also need to have a form of self disclosure. In other words, we let people understand our thoughts, our emotions. So we go back and forth in our interactions with people, having conversations where they see into our world and we see into their world. That's the second concept is allowing ourselves to ask questions and engage in self disclosing expressions. Let me give a very specific example of this. A few years ago, I was talking with an individual. He was very afraid of opening up to people. He was struggling with an unwanted sexual addiction. And I use addiction meaningfully here because he had engaged in sexual relationships that put his family at risk. He had created so many barriers of intimacy by his acting out behaviors and he had had so many secrets. But as he began to open up, as he began to talk about his sexual behaviors, he opened up to people. He got into a 12 step group, he did a disclosure with his spouse or partner, and in the process he was literally step by step, getting rid of the things that were holding him back. And as he did so, he felt freer and you could see his countenance change. He was opening up to this possibility of connection. And yet his Shame was so profound that when he would get close and things would start going well, he would feel anxious because he had an internalized belief that there was something wrong with him. And then we had to address the shame that was holding him back from that kind of connection. And as he began to open up and understand more of the voice of the shame and how it was limiting his desire for connection and limiting his ability to connect, he began to see the burden that he had been carrying because he had not resolved his shame. He could change his behavior, but the shame itself was holding him back. And as he worked to let go of that shame and to work through it, he developed more empathy and more compassion. He created a deeper connection. The end consequence that he became a new man because he was allowing people to see into him. This is the kind of transformation that can happen to all of us when we allow ourselves to be seen and where we see people. So in this allowing ourselves to be seen, we don't hold back, we don't keep secrets. And then what happens? The people who will love us, they will love us because they see us. So my invitation in this podcast is to invite you to do that type of self reflection, do that internalized work, then be curious, get to know people, open up and allow yourself to be seen. And then finally make it a lifelong journey to be a more intimate person. Don't settle for mediocrity. Don't settle for a world where you have half baked connections. Settle for a world where you only have the best, where you create it. And if our society is going to be better, this is how we do it. It's only in our relationships, it's only in our connections that we're going to find the greatest joy in this life. We can have all the money in the world, we can buy all the things that we want. But if we aren't striving and we aren't achieving the kind of intimate interactions that we long for, we will still feel lonely and we will still feel empty. So I invite you to join me in this journey on this Human Intimacy podcast, where I'm interviewing experts literally from throughout the world, where we're talking about intimate relationships, we're talking about the barriers to intimacy, and we're talking about literally becoming the kind of people that have the relationships that we long for. Thank you so much for joining me today and sharing this time with me. I hope you'll continue to join me on the Human Intimacy podcast. It has been a pleasure. May you be blessed in your pursuit of finding a deep, intimate Lasting relationship. If you are struggling in your relationship and would like to improve your relationship skills, I invite you to join me for the test your Relationship Online course found@human intimacy.com in this course you will be given the opportunity to take a very unique test which will identify the specific areas that you can work on to improve your relationship. I will show you the areas that you need to improve upon by giving you one of the most unique assessments available today. When you take this test you will be able to understand your relationship in how you're communicating, conflict resolution, sexual desire discrepancies and what is also known as the Zeigarnik effect where couples don't know how to resolve problems. When you take the assessment you will be given an 85 page report plus educational videos to help you identify what to do in each of the specific categories where you need help and support. I hope you'll join me for the test your Relationship Online course found at humanintimacy. Com.