Self-Care: What It Is, What It Isn’t + Why Knowing the Difference Matters

Pleasing everyone is not self care. Constantly trying to please others at the expense of your own well being. It's not it. It's not a good look. And this is similar to a gardener focusing only on the plants that visitors admire when they're checking out the guard while neglecting the ones that bring personal joy and satisfaction to the gardener. You've got to put things in your life that please you. You've got to realize that the imperfection what make you you. You've got to live a life where you don't want to escape from it. You've got to build a life where you've put the basic needs of who you are and where you're trying to go that you have a form to them, you have a schedule to them. You have a plan for them, you have goals for them.

Welcome back to beyond your default. I'm your host, Liz Morehead. And as always, I am joined by the one, the only, the man, the myth, the George B. Thomas. How the hell are you this morning?

I mean, I'm probably just a guy. We can just say I'm a guy.

Oh my God. I have worked for over a year to get you to stop saying that exact sentence.

I know, I know, but I sent it. But after this and after I trigger, you can go get some self care because that's what we're talking about today.

That segue was about as subtle as a drunk polar bear on roller skates.

I would maybe pay to watch that or see that. Maybe. I don't know.

I loved it though. Speaking of bobby pins for your hair, I too love self care.

Yes. Yes. I think I love to hate it sometimes. Maybe like this. It's. This is going to be such an interesting episode because I think some of this is things I've done, some of this is things I'm doing. And I think this is a lot of what I dream and hope for in the future of my life. To be honest with you, I would.

Say I know this is jumping ahead to one of our questions, but I'll be perfectly honest, I have a similar feeling about the topic of self care. Yeah, the way I would phrase it is a little bit more stark. In many ways, I'm a little too good at it and in other ways, I am actively bad at it.

Interesting.

I'm excited to have today's conversation because we've been dancing around this self care topic in a variety of different ways over the past few episodes. Whether we're talking about the importance of taking care of ourselves in order to Take care of others. The importance of setting healthy boundaries, the importance of understanding the fine line between possessing a servant's heart versus self destructive self sacrifice, even with the best of intentions. Right. But similar to our conversation about toxic morning routine myths or toxic positivity, those kind of over engineered approaches that we see a lot in the growth mindset circles, there is a toxicity that does exist.

YouTube.

Oh, yeah, YouTube for sure.

Just saying.

Oh yeah, YouTube, Instagram. If you could put a filter on it, you've probably got a problem.

Searching for references to actually enjoy for research was like, no, that's the thing that sucks.

Right? And I found the same thing too when I was researching this episode. The way we see self care portrayed online, particularly in social media, can make it feel selfish, overindulgent, out of reach. And I think it also gets in the way of the questions that we really want to talk about today was what is self care really? Why does it matter so freaking much? What isn't self care? All of these questions that get lost, I think, in the social media shuffle.

Yeah.

So with that.

Yeah.

You ready to jump in?

I'm ready to jump in. Listen, when I started to first research it and you know, I'm not a big like swear person, but I was like, what the F. And this is bs. Like, that's literally what came out of my mouth as I was looking at this. And then I found something, Liz, that I was like, wow, I could wrap up the podcast in one sentence. One sentence.

Then we can go home.

You want to go ahead and knock that out. We could go home. And it's by Layla Dalia. And it is self care is how you take your power back. That's the quote. And I was like, that right there is what we're talking about now. I want to do something special this morning. If you're driving, do not close your eyes. But if you're in a place where you're sitting somewhere and you can close your eyes and you can just listen to my voice for a hot second. I want to do something kind of interesting here. So I want you to close your eyes and I want you to picture yourself in your mind as a gardener. Okay. You're looking after a big, wide, diverse garden. It might be a vegetable garden, it might be a flower garden. Either way, you have many types of vegetables and flowers that are in your garden. You can see, like how big it is and what they are. And I want you to visualize your garden. Look over the entire expanse that it takes up in your mind. The garden is a lot like taking care of yourself. It includes everything from your body, your mind, your feelings, and for some, even a spiritual side of the garden. Just like as a gardener, you have to take care of different kinds of plants, but you also have to look after different parts of yourself. In one part of your garden, you've got plants that stand for your physical health. These plants need exercise, good food and enough sleep to grow well. Do you see where those plants, those vegetables, those whatever it is, are in your garden? That physical side of your garden when you walk or run in the morning, eat healthy meals or make sure you sleep enough, it's like you're taking care of these physical plants, helping them to stay strong and lively. Then there's another part of your garden with your mental and emotional plants. These are more sensitive, needing things to make you feel good and relaxed. It could be sitting quietly and meditating, enjoying a hobby, or just reading a book. Doing these things is like watering and trimming these plants so they can grow strong and healthy. I'm curious if you can see inside of your garden, inside of your mind, these plants that we need to make sure that we're trimming and that we're making sure that they're strong and healthy. But the real trick to being a good gardener is being mindful. This means walking around your garden, looking into each plant and determining its needs. It's about noticing when you need to spend more time on one part of your garden or let another part just chill for a bit. Being mindful and taking care of yourself is like this. Paying attention to what your body and mind are telling you and and taking care of yourself accordingly. In this self care garden, every choice you make, which plant to water, which to trim and which to leave in the sun, helps your garden stay healthy and beautiful. And just like a well kept garden, makes a gardener happy and peaceful, taking good care of yourself can bring you joy and satisfaction. Now I want you to think about this full garden that you have in your mind. And as you open your eyes and I want you to think about what plants that you've been watering, what plants are actually in need and start to listen to yourself. Go ahead and open your eyes. And Liz, here's the thing. Going back to the original question. By taking people on that journey, what do we mean by self care? Self care is actually you're listening to yourself, you're tending to yourself, you're growing yourself, you're treating yourself with kindness and love and paying attention to all of that is the self. The second part of Your original question is, why is it important? Just like the garden can feed others with its vegetables, you'll be able to feed others through your actions of tending and growing yourself. Like others, admire the beauty of the flower gardens, so they'll be able to admire your beauty as you walk this earth differently amongst others. That's where I wanted to take people first on that journey.

That was absolutely beautiful. I'll admit, a part of me, when I closed my eyes, I'm very, I was very excited. As you know, I'm a big fan of meditation. I'm a big fan of visualizations. Generally speaking, they help me. But the moment you said garden, part of me went, oh, no. As any of my friends will tell you, I am a hospice care for house plants, ushering them to the next chapter of their existence through active neglect. But I loved the metaphor of it.

Well, so now here's the thing. You can't, you can't just bounce through that though. Like, I want you to think about that, what we were just talking about.

No, I have a point. I have a point. So once I got through the shtick of it all, what I really loved about the garden analogy specifically is that I think when they think about self care, they, they don't think about it holistically. They don't think about it as different parts of themselves. I have been guilty of this where I think of self care as like, well, then I'm going to go take a nap. And I have done self care. And short napping can be a part of self care, but it's about nurturing different parts of yourselves and understanding that different parts of you. For example, a cactus doesn't need as much watering as say, a daffodil. And you have to do a little bit more treatment. For example, with orchids. Right? Everything in your garden has a different care plan. Everything in your garden requires different types of nutrients gardening, different variations of sunlight. You really need to take time to get to know yourself before you can take care of yourself. So, George, I have a question for.

You of the garden.

So, George, I have a question for you. What's your current relationship with your self care garden? Because that was an absolutely beautiful self care visualization. And how many stories have we had on this podcast where your wife at some point shows up and goes, you know, George, you cannot work 24 hours a day. Put the meeting down.

Yeah, a lot. So right now I'm sucking at it. I'm just going to be honest, like I've. I said when we started this podcast, I would be completely honest. I'm not trying to pull the wool over anybody's eyes. I'll dictate when it's something that I'm aspiring to versus something that I'm actually doing. And I feel like I've held firm to that through the episodes. When I think of self care and especially what we're going to talk about today, like, fundamentally, there's some little things that I'm doing, so it's not like a whole issue. But right now, if somebody asked me that question, I would say I'm sucking at it right now. But I'm glad that we're doing this episode. Listen, along the way, I've had ups and downs, hills and valleys regarding this whole topic. I can easily go into being a workaholic, and I wouldn't even call it workaholic. I call it playaholic because I feel like I go to play every day. But if I'm being honest, like, as I was doing this research, I had this gut response of, like, man, I'm. I'm so tired of the downs. Like, I'm just. I'm just tired of the downside of this. And I'm honestly excited that we're tackling this topic so that I could do the research to not only prep for the podcast episode, but also to start moving my mind into a better place to be more consistent or head in a consistent direction on this topic of self and caring for myself. And honestly, Liz, I did that whole garden thing because I wanted something that I could go back to. And so for me, literally, that is now part of what I'll do in morning meditation is imagine my life as this garden with different sections. And I'll try to visualize, like, ooh, I haven't been doing my devotions for the last week. And, like, the plants will be slightly wilted, right? Or, oh, I. I spent a lot of time on the weekend with family, so that's growing night. You know, that's like the sunflower of the garden area now. It's nice and big and it's. And so here's the thing. When. When it's good, it's good. But for me, the sad side of this is when it's not. It is not like, I'm all in just, like, a pot of coffee. 18 hours, poke my head out of the office long enough to use the bathroom. I'm not at that space right now, but I have been. And if you' listen to historical podcasts, you realize that I am the dumb guy that said I can't do this. I have a meeting in 10 minutes as they rolled me out on a stretcher. You can go back and listen to that episode, but I want to get better this. So Liz, my question for you is, what about you? Like what's your current state with this conversation that we're having for the listeners today?

You know I'm going to answer your question, but I think it's really important for us to dig into the why behind you and I respectively having issues with self care. Because as I was thinking about this conversation today, I was thinking about the fact that similar to people saying like I just want to put self care on the checklist and get it done, like it's this one dimensional thing that you can do one time and like get a trophy for it and put it on the shelf and go, look, I did self care once last Tuesday. I'm killing it. But I also think there are different reasons. Right, exactly. I think there are also certain ways in which we overlook the why behind our issues with self care. So when you ask me what my relationship with self care is, I mean it. It's not great. It's sure shit a lot better than it was this time last year or this time last summer, as you may recall, when I would show up to these recordings looking like a zombie, trying my best, baby stepping, doing the work, putting one foot in front of the other. But why did I have such a damaged relationship with self care? Because it didn't like myself very much. And when you don't like yourself very much, when you look at yourself in the mirror and you do not like who you see, it is very hard to find the wherewithal or the desire to take care of yourself. And when I say I didn't like myself very much, it's very much the literal version of that. Like I was feeling very damaged last year, but a lot of the reasons I was in that position was because I had pretty low self worth and self esteem to begin with. And then I when I was starting to experience the consequences of living a fear based life and making a thousand big and little fear based choices, when I started dealing with the consequences of that, it kind of doubled down on the self worth issues. So I struggled to feel it was a valid thing to take time for myself to do something nice for myself, even basic self care activities, I struggled to say, well, do you really deserve that or should you still be working? Do you really deserve to do that? You've hurt a lot of people. It is a slippery downward slope Once you get there. So my relationship with it today is a lot better.

It's interesting because I believe and agree with everything you just said and I think there's a flip side to this as well. Meaning I love myself. Not in weird ways, like I just like who I am as a human. I like how I'm showing up. But I think there's a flip side to what you're talking, talking about too. And that is that there's this thing that's bumping into my brain right now about trying to be and just being right. Like one of the things that I love is when I can just be like I can just be in a space, I can just absorb it and like usually that's a cruise ship looking out over the ocean and I'm just being. But then there's trying to be. What am I trying to be? And when my trying to be overcomes the self care, meaning I lose lack of and I think this is a key word for people to hear. I lose track of the priorities when the trying to be becomes the priority versus the just being along the way. As you're journeying to that thing now we get messed up because caring for myself, putting my own oxygen mask on, if you will. I'll talk about that later. I gotta just be and I gotta prioritize me and that's what I want the listeners to say. I gotta just be and prioritize me for this journey that I'm on. And that's the way that I just have to look at this as we move forward. Anyway, I digress. Let's, let's continue on.

I love what you said there George. And I still want to double down on my follow up question to you. When you think about the root cause of your relationship with self care, not always being in this, in the best of shape. Mine often comes down to self worth, right? Or how I feel about myself, which makes it hard to care about myself. When you think about the why or whys you have that may underpin some of your challenging aspects of your relationship with self care, what comes to mind? Not just the symptoms of what it looks like, but why do you struggle with it?

Why me or why so many struggle with it?

No, I'm asking you, I'm asking why you personally. Yeah, I'm asking why you personally struggle with self care. Is it a matter of it not always feeling like a priority? Is it also a bit of self worth? Where does it come from for you?

I think it comes down to priority for one. I think as I think about this and unpack it. One of the things going into the research is it just felt esoterical. I didn't really understand. I was curious, like, do I do self care? Do I not do self care? I know that I don't go get my toenails done and I know that I don't necessarily go to the beauty parlor and like whatever. I think why others and me struggle with this is we don't have an action plan for it. Many times we don't understand what it is. Like I said at the beginning when I started to do the research, I was like, why are we even talking about this? Liz, I started slacked you and said what? How do you feel about this topic? I knew it, excited about it. And you were like, so? So I think there's this thing of we don't understand what it is. I didn't understand what it is. I didn't have a plan for it because I didn't have a plan for it. I didn't organize my calendar or my day or my time around it. And because of all of that, then there's no way to actually set the priority for it. So that's why I think historically I've struggled with it because it's just kind of been this thing that could bounce away, disappear, rear its ugly head, shove it back down and not really give it a true form in my life.

I appreciate your honesty, number one. Number two, this is like the third episode where I've given you a topic and you're like, are you sure this is what we should be talking about and why do I trust you sometimes programming for the show and are we sure? And it always comes out okay. We learned and grow together like a family.

It does.

Number three, the reason why I wanted to ask you that question. And this leads into our next question, right? Why do we think so many of us struggle to find time or create space for self care for ourselves? That answer is often going to be different for everybody. Or maybe someone listening right now said, you know what? I resonate with what Liz said, but I also resonate with what George said. I have some self worth issues that make it hard to feel like I am a priority, that I am worthy of caring for myself. I also really don't understand what it looks like in practice. So I don't know how to create a priority around it or what it practically looks like in my busy life. It's important for us to understand the why behind our challenges with self care because if we don't understand the why, then we are not solving for the right problem. For example, with me, I understood what self care was. Although at least I thought I did. After doing some research for this episode, I also learned a lot. I am too incapable of growth. But if you had given me an explicit roadmap last year of this is how you put self care in your life. Liz, we've taken a look at your calendar. This is where it can fit in. Da da da da da da da da. It would have never resolved the underlying self worth issues that would have always kneecapped my ability to truly care for myself. I would have always struggled to get off the line. George, I would like to hear from you more. You're out of the hot seat now for a little bit. I'd love to hear from you about why you think so many other folks also struggle to find time or create space for self care.

Yeah, and I'm glad that I'm out of the hot seat because you're welcome. Sometimes I don't like that seat. I like a warm seat, but I don't like a hot seat. Listen, when I did YouTube to do some search, it was very eye opening. I kind of already talked about that. But I don't think most people people know what self care really is, especially in our modern culture. I think that they know the marketized and sold version of it. I think they understand that I'm yelling at you and telling you what to do by or telling you how to be version of it, but not the real. Cultivating the roots of who you are as a human part of self care. So remember that garden we visualized earlier? I want to dive into three key reasons, Liz. And, and when I say reasons, let's call them weeds. There's three weeds in the garden I think most humans struggle with. So first of all, you and I both know that we have busy lifestyles. So when you think of your life as a garden full of these various plants that we've talked about, each representing different tasks and responsibilities. Wow. While attending the demanding plants of life, there's small virtual corner that we just kind of have fenced off that is self care. It's so easy to overlook when we get busy, but knowing that we can spend time in that corner and essentially fuel up and go into a place of thriving, right? Giving ourselves the attention to give ourselves the self care enriches not only just that section, but the entire garden of our life. And so I worry about the weed, especially for me and, and I'm sure other listeners, but the Weed of a busy lifestyle. The other weed that I want to talk about is guilt and perception. Okay, so in our garden of life, we might feel guilty, actually guilty for watering one plant, fearing we're neglecting the others, like, oh, I'm spending too much time in this or I need to go do that or this is going to be this way. And this honestly mirrors the guilt in like, oh, I can't give myself the time. That's selfish. If I do self care, I'm being selfish. However, when you nurture the self care corner of your garden strengthens the entire garden. A well cared for garden is more effective in nurturing the whole garden, which means nurturing others around you in life as well. So by being able to get past guilt in the perception of what it is and that it's selfish, you're going to be able to actually be better for yourself and those around you. Weed number three is just blatant. And I think between my gosh, this is a rough conversation because I literally said it earlier in a different way. But lack of awareness, you're just unaware that you're supposed to be actually treating yourself a certain way. You've never been taught or programmed. You had parents that like never even thought of having a self care conversation in the family, or you looked at your grandparents and it was like they were so just trying to survive that like self care meant they went to bed at night and woke up the next morning. But this lack of awareness, like imagine a gardener unaware of each plant's needs. This is like not recognizing the importance of self care in our life. Understanding the role of self care is crucial, just as knowing each individual plant list like you were naming, like it needs more sun and it needs different nutrients, it needs different soil. This small overlooked area that has probably been tagging along in the garden of life for many. It's crucial to our health and vibrancy and our well being, our entire being. Liz, I'm gonna use the term again. Our whole ass humanness. Yes, it's impossible to be a whole ass human if you are not taking time to care for yourself. And my question for the listeners is, have you let the weeds of self awareness and perception choke your growth? Have you let the weeds of guilt choke your growth? Have you let the weeds of a busy lifestyle choke your growth? And if so, how do you start? By just removing those weeds or at least trimming some of those weeds back so that you do have time and understanding for the importance of this. Liz, what about you?

We already touched on some of the challenges earlier around self worth. But you said something there that quite frankly, George, I had not thought of. And given my devotion to therapy, it's kind of surprising that I didn't put this particular one and one equals two together. You mentioned the fact that we may not have grown up in situations where that type of behavior was either modeled well for us or explained to us. I mean, I think when we think about parental conversations, like the big conversations that our parents are going to have with us, often it's some awkward birds and the bees and the whatever conversation that everybody fears from their parents. I think you brought up something really powerful here. I'd be curious for the parents in the audience. Have you ever talked to your children about self care? Because when I think about my own parents, I had one who quite frankly self medicated her way through life. And that is not exactly a good model of self care. That is someone who is hiding from aspects of their life. But also, you know, there was a lot of stuff there that my mother was going through. The other side of that though, as I grew up with a dad who I remember very young age, he used to say to me all the time that the real world doesn't care about your problems. And on the one hand, that is actually a mantra that I like to remind myself of to keep myself from getting too self involved, a little too stuck in the weeds. But at the same time, that is a very harsh lesson to learn at a very young age. And I think I just got really unintentionally trained into deprioritizing myself and what it is that I needed because the whole idea of the real world doesn't care about your problems is that nobody cares about you. And that was a very unintended consequence of, I think, a well intended lesson. So when I think about how others may also be struggling with self care. You touched on it a bit with how it's often portrayed in the media and online. As a female, I'm on the receiving end of a lot of content both on TikTok and of Instagram, where content creators create this completely warped idea of what self care actually looks like to the point of it being inaccessible. Very minimalist surroundings. A lot of consumerism where it's like self care is me developing this thousand dollars worth of stuffed coffee bar at home and creating these beautiful esthetic videos with a perfect jazz overlay of music. And this is my self care. And meanwhile I'm like, I'm just trying to find clean pants in the morning. This is not Something that is achievable for me. But I think we all succumb to this idea of what self care is quote unquote supposed to look like. And if it doesn't fit into this beautifully designed aesthetic, then we're quote unquote, not doing it right. My mind went in two very different directions in response to your question based on what I heard. But that's really what I was thinking about here when I heard what you said and when I thought about the ways in which I feel impacted externally about what self care should look like in my life. Now, George, I have a follow up question for you. What isn't self care? Because we've started digging into what it is, but we need to talk about the flip side of this. What isn't it?

All right, so what isn't self care? And I love always kind of taking these coins and flipping them and being able to see the other side of kind of what we're talking about. So what isn't self care? Well, neglecting your basic needs, by the way. Been there, done that. Like just as a gardener. And yes, I'm going to continue this gardener analogy through the entire episode. Just as a gardener can't ignore watering the plants or pulling out the weeds. Self care isn't about neglecting your basic needs like proper nutrition, sleep or physical activity. Ignoring these fundamentals is like letting your garden wither and become overrun with weeds. Like the other thing that it's not is escapism. Now don't get me wrong, I like me a good binge day of like a show or like to go to a movie. But sometimes we think that the activities helping us escape reality, that's exactly what they're doing. We're like trying to escape versus entertain. Like there's a difference between entertaining yourself for a little bit and escaping from your world. Excessive binge watching over indulging in food or drink or other forms of escapism, you know, not self care. However, for many of us they're blinding areas there. We take a blind eye to it and it's a section where. But that's my safe space for many of us. I go there because nobody bugs me space. And you're not caring for yourself, you're escaping. The other one that I'll mention is perfectionism is not self care. Perfection is not reality. Striving for perfection in every aspect of life, you probably aren't going to actually reach a place where you can get the self care. It's, it's like obsessing over every Single leaf in every single petal of the garden to the point where the joy of gardening is just gone. Like, you're not like, I hate this because I'm so micro focus. Self care involves accepting the imperfections and understanding that growth is a process, not a destination. I want to say that again that understanding self care involves accepting imperfections and understanding that growth is a process, not a destination. This is the grown up way of what you said to me and where my mind went when you said, when are you going to quit like hating that past guy? It's okay to be like that guy and this guy and mixed together the imperfections is actually what makes us whole. Embracing those imperfections. Anyway, the last one that I'll mention here is. And we might have a bachelor's degree in this. Okay, I'll just say me. I won't say we. I might have a bachelor's degree in this. The last one I'll mention is pleasing everyone. Pleasing everyone is not self care. Constantly trying to please others at the expense of your own well being. It's not it. It's not a good look. And this is similar to a gardener focusing only on the plants that visitors admire when they're checking out the garden while neglecting the ones that bring personal joy and satisfaction to the gardener. You've got to put things in your life that please you. You've got to realize that the imperfections are what make you you. You've got to live a life where you don't want to escape from it. You've got to build a life where you've put the basic needs of who you are and where you're trying to go, that you have a form to them, you have a schedule to them, you have a plan for them, you have goals for them. Anyway, Liz, what about you on this one?

When I think about what self care isn't for me, it isn't an excuse to hide from the world. And when I say that I have been guilty in the past of trying to develop a healthy relationship with self care and myself in the process, it can be very easy to essentially use self care to hide. You know, soothing is an essential aspect of it. You know, calming your, Regulating your regulatory system, you know, basically helping you feel better about your place in the world. And also just again, what we've been talking about, right? Nurturing yourself, growing yourself, just taking care of yourself. When I think about darker times in my life, self care has become a mechanism by which I hide. And so I think that's something we have to Watch within ourselves, self care is so critically important, but I think what makes it so challenging is that there is that fine line. And we're going to talk about this. We're going to be talking about the line between self care and self indulgence. But when I think about what self care isn't for me, is that okay, I'll use your garden analogy. It's not self care if by taking care of one aspect of your garden out of the other hand, you have a flamethrower burning another aspect of your life to the ground like it's not going to work. You have to make sure that self care does not itself become a destructive act. And that can happen when you're hiding from your life, when you are overindulging in self care activities to the detriment of other aspects of your life. So self care is something that needs to be enriching in your life. And we're going to talk about examples and what that can look like, but it has to be an enriching creation force. It's not always going to feel great because sometimes an act of self care for me is going to the gym on the days that I really do not want to go. So it doesn't feel happy and it doesn't feel fun. But that is an act of self care. That is something that will pay dividends in a healthier, longer, happier life down the line. That is self care. But how many times are you engaging in an act of self care that is potentially robbing Peter to pay Paul, that is making harder for you to show up in your relationships, in your life, that is detracting from your other responsibilities, so that that's more reflective of my own personal journey with it. But that's where my brain grows. What I would be curious to hear from you, George, though, is that as someone who has struggled to see self care as a priority, do you consider self care selfish?

Yeah. This is interesting because this is one, going to be the shortest segment ever on a podcast episode that we've done. And two, it was the most definitive answer that I was able to gather along the time of doing the research. So, Liz, be forewarned, the answer to your question is self care selfish from my side of things is going to be a quote and a statement, and that's all I have to say about this matter. So the quote is by Parker Palmer, and the quote says, self care is never a selfish act. It is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to Offer others anytime we can listen to our true self and give it the care it requires. We do it not only for ourselves, but for the many others whose lives we touch. Parker Palmer. Now a quote from George B. Thomas. No, it's not selfish, it's necessary.

Can we get official beyond your default merch? That's just a T shirt with the word no in quotes and then George B. Thomas underneath. Because that was beautiful.

Yeah, no, actually, no, it's necessary. That's. That's the quote for this bad boy. But I know I got passionate about that. But like, if you think about what we've talked on this podcast before, about stewardship and servanthood and like taking care of yourself to fuel yourself so that you can be there to serve and help others. Like, it's like saying, I'm gonna drive from here to Montana and not stop at the damn gas station. It just sounds stupid. I said I was going to be done with the dang statement and quote, but to have somebody even say, oh, self care is selfish, so I don't do it, that's stupid.

Let's be realistic though, George. It is so easy to say that intellectually when you are not inside of a situation where you are forced to make the choice. Because why did you think it was okay to try to take a meeting when you were being wheeled out on a stretcher? Because any sort of self care felt selfish. Here's where my curiosity gets me with this, is that in those moments, George, how do you convince yourself that the self care that is necessary to sustain your garden is important and it isn't selfish? Because that's, I think, where most of us fall down. It's kind of like how we can intellectually say, like, I need to go work out four to five times a week in order for me to a hit my goals, but also stay healthy. But think about those days where I really don't want to go. One of the things, one of the mantras I say to myself in my head is, oh, now I know I definitely have to go. Because there is an inverse correlation to if I really don't want to go, that means I absolutely have to go. The days I do not want to do it the most, the days when I can rationalize until the cows come. Well, I have this pillar page that I need to write for George and I need to go make dinner and I need to walk the dogs and I need to do all of these things. There's just no time to work out is the moment I say, nope, listen bitch, get Yourself to the gym. You will go right now and you will do it now. So when you think about the moments where you have to put your foot to the gas pedal of self care, that is an awkward visualization. We'll workshop that later. But moments when your self care metal is tested, George, how do you think you can talk yourself out of that spiral? Because I think that is your challenge for you specifically, you are so servant minded that when forced to choose yourself over others, how well does that go?

It's interesting because my brain goes to. Is self care selfish? No. But do I have to be a little bit with my time? It's interesting. Okay, I see where you're going there. I'll need time to think about that one.

I'll come back to you on that one. So where do you draw the line between self care and self indulgence?

Yeah, it's all about finding the balance, right? And I think the thing to do here is understand like what self care is, what self indulgence is, and then how do you freaking find the middle? So self care, when you think about it, it's purposeful and nourishing actions aimed at improving our overall well being as humans. Self care should provide some type of long term positive effect for growth, health and personal development, which we're all trying to do. If you listen to this podcast, you're on that journey, baby. And what it should be is a set of sustainable practices without leading to negative consequences. So it's always moving in a positive direction. It balances work, relationships, personal growth and the time that we have for relaxation. If you bundle up self care like in a bullet pointed list, that's kind of what it's supposed to do, what it's supposed to be. On the flip side of this, self indulgence is focused on like immediate gratification. I need some of that carrot cake right now with about 6, 17 episodes of Star Trek. And it's about the pleasure without considering the long term effects. Right. It can lead to negative consequences affecting your health, finances, oh, and even relationships. It creates an imbalance prioritizing immediate pleasures over responsibilities or long term goals. And it often I mentioned, you know, binge watching Star Trek, which by the way, I have really been enjoying starting to watch Star Trek in chronological order. Just a side note to the listeners who are paying attention. But often it's used for escapism and avoiding addressing the problems that we might be facing in life, big or small problems, by the way. So if we bundle self indulgence, that's kind of where we're at. Those are the two polar sides of this conversation. But. But finding a balance. When I think about this, it's about engaging in regular self reflection on motivations and outcomes. Oh, some more time to spend at that base of that tree that I keep talking about in these episodes. Because you need some self reflection. It's about practicing mindfulness in choices that you make and the actions that you take. Oh, I feel like somebody needs to hear that again. Mindfully making choices and then moving on the actions of those choices. It emphasizes a moderation in all of life's aspects. It could be one glass of wine instead of 32. It could be like a small slice of carrot cake instead of half the carrot cake. It could be one episode instead of 17 on a particular day. Like, how do you actually kind of balance responsibility and enjoyment and do it in moderation throughout your life? By the way, this is me speaking in a aspirational like, yeah, that'd be a great place to get in life is to find that balance. But at least I have a target set now. Here's what I'll say when I say I have a target set. And I go back to what I said earlier about that. I'm sucking at it right now. I was like, I don't even know if I want to share this on the podcast, but I'm going to share it because I said I would. When I think of my like self care now and what I would call like my favorite pieces of trying to find that balance. Liz, you have a diagram that I want to make sure makes it to the show notes in your research that you delivered. And it has the mental, the physical, the emotional, the spiritual and the social of self care. Mental. I really enjoy meditation and I really enjoy praying. And praying can be mental and it can be spiritual, can fit in both buckets, but taking the time to just sit and think and be mentally I have that one. I plug that one in quite often. Ever since my like episode many years ago of trying to like recenter myself. Physical. I love going for walks. I have not been doing that a lot lately, but I love going for walks or I love swimming. Like swimming is my zen place. Like when I buy a house, move somewhere, one of the first things I will do is have my own pool so I can just work, walk in my backyard, jump in and swim. Because since I was a kid I was a fish and I miss being able to just go do that whenever. Here's the thing, I got too emotional and I tried, I really tried Like I thought for a while but as we're recording this it's still sitting there blank. I don't know what to put in the box that I like to do for emotional self care. I'm just, I'm not sure, I don't know how to answer the question teacher, somebody help me like. But the good thing is if I bounce to spiritual, taking time to go to church. Sweet. Whether it's in my living room and watching it online or going to an actual building, praying, reading my Bible devotions, Check. Got it. I can answer like that. That's, I've got it in place, like we're good to go. And then I reached this other one, social and I was like, but I'm a social butterfly. I post every day on all the social medias. There's thousands of people that follow me and I can't answer this one. As we're recording this, it still sits blank of like I don't know how to answer what my self care. And I'm not even saying that I don't do emotional and social. I'm just at the point of recording this podcast and when we did the research, I don't know how to connect the dots to what that truly looks like in the answering of like here's your favorite self care act for yourself in this particular place. I do know some things that might connect to any of these. Like I love going outside and standing in the grass barefoot when I'm having a frickin challenging day in my office. I like to sit on my back porch with a coffee, a peanut butter whiskey and a cigar and a podcast or an audio book on the weekend. And I like that's. I just, it's super relaxing. I like going out to dinner or a movie with my family. I like going to concerts with my friends and listening to music. So like these are things that I like to do but I, and I think they're somewhat self care but also maybe they're not. My challenge to all of the listeners is like write down on a. Because this was a thing for me. Write down on a piece of paper, mental, physical, emotional, spiritual and social and try to fill the box with your self care pieces in each of those boxes and see where you land. Because at least now I know I have two major places where I'm like, ooh, ooh, homeboy needs to go to work. Homeboy needs to do some research. I need to start paying attention to those two pieces of my garden and make sure that I'm growing the right vegetables. Or flowers or whatever needs to be in those. Liz, what about you?

I want to first take a moment and applaud you for allowing yourself to get very uncomfortable with this topic. Because I remember when you slacked me that message saying, so how do you feel about this topic? I said, I feel great. The fact that you're asking me this question makes me curious about what you think about this topic. You're like, no, no, it's great. I'm like, all right, let's see what happens when we get on the mic. But I want to take a moment and applaud you because I think this topic made you uncomfortable initially because it's one of the areas maybe you need to work on the most. I know that there have been times where I have been writing outlines for previous episodes. For example, the forgiveness of self episode, I felt like my stomach was trying to escape through my mouth and my belly button as I was reading my own questions that I was going to have to later answer with you during a recording. I want to point to something you said, though, where you were going across the different aspects of your life. Right? Mental self care, physical self care, emotional self care, spiritual self care, social self care. I think it can also be a symptom of the fact that maybe you struggle to answer those areas because it's an area where you need to prioritize it more. If you don't know how to define it, then that's just an area of focus for you. But I think also sometimes we may need to prioritize different areas with greater emphasis, depending on the season of life that we're in, what day of the week it is, things like that. When I think about emotional self care, therapy for me is self care when I'm feeling negative emotions arise. Honestly, sometimes sitting with my emotions is one of them. It's why I really wanted to have the toxic positivity conversation that we had had a few episodes ago. Sometimes self care is learning to sit with the discomfort and identifying what your emotions are and honoring what your emotions are. Or on the flip side of that, if you are experiencing a lot of negative emotions, one of the things I really like to do is sit down and say, okay, what am I actually grateful for? I want to now sit down and seek out evidence of what is going well. Social self care is an interesting thing. I love what you brought up about the fact, well, I'm a social butterfly and I do all of these different things. I have a similar feeling about it. But then when I looked at this chart and I really challenged myself. I realized there are certain types of social activities that really fill my bucket. For example, I have a favorite coffee shop that I love to go to and work out of because I see certain people there and there is a community aspect of it that I find really enriching. Over the weekend I went to a quote unquote family dinner at this coffee shop and they also host wine dinners where you go with a date and you sit down and you don't really socialize with other people, but it's really fun and they take you through five courses. But in this case it was a little different. It was a family style meal. So they pushed all of the tables together and you sat down and you got to know strangers. And I went by myself. I went by myself not knowing anybody. And for me that was an act of social self care because even though it took me a bit out of my comfort zone having to get to meet new people, I walked away feeling like my whole body was radiating because I had gotten to know all of these new people in an environment and a setting that was nurturing and intimate and different. So sometimes these acts of self care can be things that are hyper familiar. Right. But they can also be things that fill our bucket in a certain way that maybe take us a little bit outside of our comfort zone. Now, when I think about some of my favorite acts of self care, because I want to hear from you on this as well, what your favorite acts of self care are. One of the things I find fascinating about my favorite acts of self care is that to your point earlier about moderation, sometimes you could check the box and say it's self care, but too much of it, it becomes indulgence. I think sometimes, especially in growth mindset circles, we have this notion of if it's not productive, it's not valuable. Well, guess what, George, Maybe sometimes just having a day where you are not responsible to anybody, you've blocked it out in your calendar, you've made space for it, you've made time for it. You know what? You can have a potato day. That's what I call it, by the way. I call it potato day. I will change out of old pajamas into new pajamas. I will make my tea. I will sit on a couch and I will watch whatever the f I want for however I want. That's fine. I'll sit under a blanket. I'll feel nice and snuggly. I'll feel nice and cozy. And you know what? I'm not going to feel any guilt or, or Shame about it. Because on its face, maybe spending a day in front of the television or reading a book or just being a potato under a blanket doesn't seem, quote unquote, productive or sexy or Instagramable, but it is rest, it is enjoying something that I like to do. Now again, there's that fine line. Am I doing that on a day when I should be working? Am I doing that many days in a row? Like there's a difference. But some of my other favorite acts of self care, going to the gym, taking my midday walk, reading a book, going to interesting social events where I learn something new. So if it's about food or if it's about art or something like that, I like to meditate, I like to write, I like to do a lot of different things. One of the things that really was helpful for me was just sitting down and brainstorming for 30 minutes. What are the things that I know I like to do? What are the things that I discovered I like to do after I tried it and just kind of starting to make these little buckets? And I loved that chart that we found. I will put it in the show notes where it shows the different buckets, but I would encourage people to try that activity. So, George, we've spent a lot of time, maybe it's navel gazing, maybe it's not navel gazing, I don't know. But I want to bring this back to center for our listeners as we close today's conversation. What advice do you have for folks who struggle to find ways to integrate self care into their lives, to bring it into their beyond? Your default journey?

Yeah, and when you say other folks, I'll just answer it as in like me. How am I going to start to integrate it into my life? What can they maybe gleam out of these? There's four things that really pop to my mind. 1. Ladies and gentlemen, this doesn't have to be a massive cliff or canyon that you're trying to jump. So number one, start small. Begin with manageable self care activities that easily fit into your daily routine. Take a 15 minute walk. Go sit outside in the sun for 5 minutes. Do something small. This approach helps in the building of these little sustainable habits without feeling overwhelmed. Like, listen, I've been the guy who is like, and I'm gonna read the entire New Testament in five days. Like, no, no you're not. I'm gonna walk seven miles today. No, how about you just go walk for 20 minutes? So start small. The other thing is identify activities you enjoy. And that's how? By the way, I'm going to fill my two massive gaps in the little matrix that I went through earlier. Identify activities that you enjoy because self care should be enjoyable. Self care should be rejuvenating. Like choose activities that you genuinely look forward to and want to dive into. It'll make it easier to stick to your self care routine. So start small and identify things that you enjoy to plug into those areas. Big one for me. If it doesn't live on my calendar, it doesn't exist. So schedule it. Treat self care as a non negotiable can't move red block on your Google calendar if you use an outlook. I don't know what color it is but for me do not move, do not touch. It's a red block. Make it a red block of your day, ensuring that it doesn't get overlooked, it doesn't get beaten down by the word that I said earlier of priorities. Something else taking over it. So definitely start small. Identify activities you enjoy. Schedule it. I can't but help remember that we've done an episode, episode five by the way, on this last piece that goes hand in hand with self care. And ladies and gentlemen, I would just beg you to be kind to yourself, practice some freaking self compassion and understand that it's okay if you don't always stick to your self care plan. 90% is better than 0%, 80% is better than 0%. But when you start to beat yourself up, when you start to have less self compassion and more self criticism around the thing that you're supposed to enjoy, that's supposed to be small and you have supposed to have scheduled it, then you're way out of the realm of self care because you're just not even being nice to yourself. You got to nurture yourself, not add stress to your life. So if you have to go listen to episode five again, do it. But be kind to yourself. Because here's the thing, this conversation is critical to our beyond your default journeys that we're on. Ladies and gentlemen, you have to love yourself before you can love others. You've heard me say that you have to love yourself before you can love others. When you're on a flight, they tell you to put your oxygen mask on first. There's a reason for this. If you're not getting oxygen, you can't help the people beside you. You have to care for yourself before you care for others. And if you're on this journey, if you're listening to this podcast, most likely you are finding success and significance out of helping other humans. So you've got to take time for self care. You've got to take time to love yourself and have self compassion. You've got to take time to just be be. Because trust me, on this uphill climb that we're all on for a life beyond our default, you're going to find those pit stops that you need to swing in and refuel. And the sign above the door of those pit stops, by the way, is self care.