From Breakdown to Breakthrough: Reinventing Life at Midlife with Wendy Valentine | Ep 154

Hi everyone, welcome to the Holistic Inner Balance. Today we are going to learn all about the becoming who you want to be. We're going to talk about the Freedom Framework. We're going to talk about how to reprogram your life. We're going to talk about how you're not broken, but you're breaking open. We're going to talk about happenings happening. We're going to talk about creating the life that you actually want, and it's with a dear friend of mine, Wendy Valentine. And I am so excited. I think you guys are going to love this show. Habs, can you tell us a little bit about Wendy?

Yes, Wendy Valentine is a reinvention expert, empowerment coach, and the author of Women Waking Up: The Midlife Manifesto for Passion, Purpose, and Play. She's also the host of the Midlife Makeover Show, which is a number one podcast helping women embrace midlife as a powerful new beginning. So it's not a crisis, but it is something that is bringing you into a new phase of your life. After turning her own breakdowns into breakthroughs, Wendy now helps women design bold, joy-filled lives and proves it's never too late to wake up to what's possible. Let's get into it.

Let's do it. So I want to, I want to start by doing a focus, not focus on like, girl, tell us your story. Tell us your breakthrough story. Take as long as you need. I want to provide more space than ABC, Fox, C, you know, all of the 3 letters.

More than 3 minutes.

You've got 3 minutes, Wendy.

Let's go. Everyone get your violin out. Age 45, I was faced with divorce, disease, debt, depression, the death of my brother, black mold toxicity, Lyme disease. Let's toss in menopause. Should we toss in a little menopause just to add to the fun? The sprinkle. Um, you'll appreciate, appreciate this one. Panic attacks, anxiety, the whole 9 yards.

Mm-hmm.

I had it all. And I was at this place in my life where I thought, okay girl, I had to have that tough conversation with myself. Like, you're either going to allow yourself and your life to spiral downwards or you're gonna rebuild it.

Mm-hmm.

And I kind of thought, well, I was at that low place in my life that why not? Like, let's just go for it. Do you ever remember on Seinfeld where he did opposite day, where George Costanza did opposite day? I literally had that thought. I was like, Maybe I'll just do the opposite because everything I've been doing has not been working.

I love that. That's so good.

So yeah, over the course of 2 years, I ended up rebuilding my life, chipped away at that gigantic mound of debt, uh, seeked therapy for the panic attacks and the anxiety. And just, you know what, I was thinking about this this morning, it was really the basics. It's going back to the basics. I know the basics are so boring, aren't they

though?

I mean, really, personal development is like— the solutions are actually pretty simple and boring but so profound. Drink more water, get your rest, call your friends, um, just read, meditate, do all those things. It's really very basic. It's a lot. I know, but all of that, like, done consistently every single day And speaking kind words to yourself, all of those things every single day will eventually get you to where you want to be. It's really—

we want the, we want the quick fix though. You're not going to tell us the quick fix?

Come on! Just here, take this and you'll be healed. You are healed. But right, we have to do the work whether we— whether you like it or you just have to.

Yeah.

You have to. Another thing I was thinking about this morning, I had so many great thoughts this morning. As you guys know, neuroplasticity, it wasn't what, 35 maybe plus years ago that they finally figured out that we can actually rewire our brains? Yes. We were putting wheels on suitcases before they figured that out. What has happened to us? Have we not evolved as human beings? that to that point, yes, you can evolve, you can change. And I think once I really made that connection that just sitting in meditation wasn't just like sitting there and— okay, I was planning out my grocery list, but the things were actually happening in my brain where I was actually becoming the person, the woman that I wanted to be. And that was the number one thing that I did for myself back then. was it wasn't about the, the what, the when, the where, and the how, which we're so trained to, to believe, right? Like, if you want to change your life, you've got to make some lists of things and you got to do this, this, and this. But it's— we leave out the who. Like, who do you want to be as you step into the next chapter of your life? And oh, I left out a really important piece of my story, the RV. So I had this amazing vision of driving an RV across the country, and I was like, God, wouldn't that be fun? But in order for me to get there, I had to do all those things, right? And it wasn't so much— although the dream of driving an RV in Sedona and like having the music blasting, I was like, wow, that would be so cool. Really what I was envisioning was the woman behind the wheel. And I started designing this new woman. How would she think? How would she speak? How would she feel? How would she wake up in the morning? How would she eat? What type of relationships would she have? What kind of career would she have? Like, literally designing a new woman. And what's wild is that, you know, it's like every single day I'd wake up and I would pretend to be that woman. Like, how would she walk into a room? How would she— how would she speak to others? How does she carry herself? And it's wild that eventually all of— all of the what, the when, the where, and the how just falls into place. Groovy.

So— And simple.

It's so simple.

Yes. Yeah, I feel like in, like, manifestation and stuff, it's like, okay, let's— let— we have to, like, focus on the desire, focus on the desire, focus on the desire. But if we actually just focus on becoming Like, yeah, it's becoming.

That's the key word. It's because—

yes, it's like I need to cultivate the consciousness of the person who has those desires, and then things unfold in a way that like surprises and delights you too, that you could never even imagine.

I was actually telling my son the other day, I was like, because we were like going over to KCAL CBS News for an interview, and I was like 5 years ago, if someone had said, you're gonna be in LA and, uh, you're gonna be going over to KCAL CBS News to talk about this book that you wrote where you completely reinvented your life, I would have been like, yeah, no, not, not me. No. But yes, I mean, to your point, the things that can happen if we give ourselves permission to let it happen. And I didn't. I mean, for decades I did not give myself permission to actually have the life that I truly wanted. Yeah.

How did you go from not giving yourself permission to giving yourself permission? Like, how did you climb over that river?

Great question. Very simple question. Because I figured the alternative, again, like going back to opposite day, I was like, well, I've hung on to this of not giving myself permission. What if I let this shit go? Like, what if I tell All my limiting beliefs just F off. Like, I don't have time for this anymore because it's so exhausting.

Mm-hmm.

Keeping up with all of that and managing it. I mean, I— and I also, I thought too, I was like, all right, I'm at this point where I was at the lowest of low mentally, physically, spiritually, financially, everything. And I thought, you know what, let's just go I don't know if we can cuss on here and say silly things, but I'm just gonna go balls out on my trans— you know what I mean? I'm like, I'm going for it. I'm like, I am doing this. Like, all of this trauma and the limiting beliefs and the— like, I'm so over it.

Yeah.

I was— I was, in a healthy way, I was so frustrated with where I was at and who I was at that place in my life. that I was like, no, I am not doing this anymore. Like, I had to take a stand to myself, if that made sense. Yeah. I had been gaslighting myself for so long that it just was serving me no purpose. And all of those little fears and the negative thoughts, and it was just like, no, I'm done. Done. And I literally thought like, okay, I've brainwashed myself to believe that I'm not good enough, that I can't do this. I'm too— I'm I'm too old. I'm not smart enough. Wah, wah, wah. I was like, I'm gonna brainwash myself to believe that I can do anything I want to do, that I am smart enough, that I am brave enough, that I have all the right connections, that I can, I can attract whatever I want in my life. I'm gonna do that.

You picked your program. It, it's like we inherit programming.

I know.

And you decided, I'm gonna change the channel. I don't, I don't like this program anymore.

Not that we—

It's a good program.

Not that we change the channel like that anymore.

I know the gesture.

That shows my age.

Yeah, I know the gesture.

I'm going like this.

You know, everyone's like this. And then, Wendy, how do you pick up a phone?

Uh,

I pick up a phone like that.

I do too.

And like some of the younger generations—

You know how I dial a phone? I dial a phone like this. Yeah. Rotary phone. Rotary phone. Oh,

and you get like through the 4th number and you realize you like did the wrong number and you're like, oh, I have to hang up and start over.

You know what though? I mean, we, we are creatures of habit. Yes. But we are also creatures of change. We can change. We can change. You are not stuck with anything. Nothing.

I love that. And I also want to just bring attention to the fact that, like, it takes a lot of energy to hold yourself back.

Yes. Oh,

it drains your energy. Literally, it drains your energy to not do the things that you're dreaming about doing. Yeah.

And I thought about that too, and I had, I had the moment, you know, I think all women have that moment where they're lying on the bathroom floor bawling their eyes out. Why do we do that? Do men lie on the bathroom floor?

I don't think so.

I think they kick the dog instead.

Oh, so sad.

I

was

like, maybe we—

well, they punch a hole in the wall.

Hot flashes. I don't know. But

right,

anyways, I had that— I had that moment on the bathroom floor bawling my eyes out, and I thought, it takes just as much energy for me to stay down here in my darkness rather than me just getting up, pulling up my bootstraps, and doing all the things I gotta do. And yes, it was— was it rough? Yes. But every little step that I took was like, that's a victory. Yes. Like, then, you know, I get a little bit more courage every single time. And I've had people ask me, like, have you always been this bold? Have you always been so courageous? I'm like, hell no. Because like, I can't— I like, let's— here's, here's a little jar. I can't hand you a jar of courage. You have to fill up your jar of courage by yourself. I can't do it. I gotta fill up my own. And you do that by taking action. Super simple. You have to take action no matter what it is.

Mm-hmm.

And I think sometimes, you know, looking back 7 years ago, Having courage was getting outta bed or taking a shower or making, finally creating my resume and sending it out. Right. All of the, and now being courageous is like, holy moly, I'm gonna go on ABC News.

Yeah.

But you just do it. You just do it.

Mm-hmm.

Feel the doubt.

So you're at the beginning.

Mm-hmm.

And Joseph Campbell teaches about the hero's journey, right? Mm-hmm. So you're at the beginning of your hero's journey. And you say yes to George Costanza's opposite day. You start to pretend you already are in the present moment who you want to be. And you start to pick your program so that those yeses of who you want to be will start to reinforce the program that you're picking. And it sounds like what I hear you saying is that it was 1,000 small decisions after 1,000 small decisions, right?

Yep, and yeah, I'm a recovering perfectionist.

Yay!

It's Wendy. I'm a recovering perfectionist and people pleaser and codependent and approval seeker. And the old Wendy would always, always have to have a plan. This is what we're gonna do. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. And if I didn't have that plan, and if I couldn't even start with the first part. I'm just like, nope, not gonna do it.

Mm-hmm.

And instead I was like, no, we're leaping. Like, leap and the net will appear. And the net— the net is you. Like, you are the net. You will catch yourself. You have to have faith in yourself. Like, you'll figure the shit out as you go along. You don't have to have the whole— again, like, I wouldn't have imagined me sitting here in LA doing interviews. I, I didn't— I didn't even think about that part. I was just like, let's just— let me get out of debt first, then let me, you know, it's just like one thing at a time. Let me go to therapy, get over these panic attacks. Like, let me do all the things one thing at a time.

Yes. I feel like so many of our listeners are probably thinking, you know, oh well, I want to overhaul everything right now, and like, I want to get to that point Now. And it's like you have to build that capacity. It's like—

Yes.

And I love that you said taking a shower was the courage. That was the courageous step for that day. And so I want everyone to really, really feel into that. Your courageous step is going to be different from everyone else's courageous step. And celebrate that. Like, really, really, really, like, a lot of us who are perfectionists will not celebrate something like that, right? Like, yeah, we're like, okay, well, yeah, like, I'm, you know, I should be further along, right? Celebrate all of those little tiny moments.

Celebrate. And I would— I'm going to add to that. One of the most important things that you could possibly do at any time in your life whether things are going great or going bad, become your own best friend and really pay attention to how you speak to yourself. And when I got quiet enough to hear the negative Nelly in my head, I was like, oh my gosh, the things I was saying to myself were awful. And as we know, thoughts become things, right? I mean, no wonder I was having so many physical issues. No, no wonder I was attracting like the worst of the worst because of my inner dialogue. So habits, right, create— I mean, all of those thoughts are habits. So you have to create— you have the power. That's the thing. Like, you have the power to take control of your mind instead of your mind controlling you. Control those thoughts that are going across like a ticker tape on the news. You know, you're either going to have some shitty news or you're going to have some great news. On that ticker tape going across in your mind. And as soon as you see any type of negative news going across, you just stop it, grab it, and whoop, toss that sucker out and replace it with good news. Like, you— happiness is actually a choice. It is a habit. Being miserable is a habit. I mean, I did it, but you can move out of it. Yeah.

And What I love in your book— so everyone, Wendy has a book, and I highly recommend all of you go and pick it up. It's called Women Waking Up: The Midlife Manifesto for Passion, Purpose, and Play. And in this book, you help readers get from that point A of angst to that point B of bliss, and you actually help break it down into what feels like bite-sized pieces. Yeah. And it's your 7-Step Freedom Method. So I was curious if you could talk about that.

Yeah. And you know, this, the blueprint, the 7-Step Freedom Framework is actually what I did over the course of those 2 years.

Mm-hmm.

So I know it works. And I was thinking about, you know, the name of your podcast is what? Uh, Inner Holistic— wait, what's the—

Holistic Inner Balance. Yeah.

There you go. That's what it is. And I feel like the book in itself is very holistic. Like, you have— you can't leave anything out, right? With personal transformation, you can't like, I'm gonna leave that part out. No, it's all— it— in order for you to be whole and complete, yes, you have to work on all areas. And I feel like with the book, no matter if, you know, we all struggle with boundaries, right? Whether it's boundaries or being triggered or being stuck or relationships or decluttering thoughts and emotions. It's in there somehow, some way. It's stuck inside these 250 pages or whatever many pages are in there. Um, and it's— it goes in order, okay? There was times when I was like, when I was writing the book, I was like, does this actually— I was like, no, you have to start with this part first and you, you end up over here. In order to go from A to angst and B to bliss, right? So the Freedom Framework, I'll, I'll give you the little bite-sized. Step 1 is free yourself of limiting beliefs and self-sabotage. We've, we all do it. Yeah. Step 2 is to reset your life by clearing out the emotional and physical clutter. Step 3 is envision a new future filled with vitality and confidence and joy. Step 4 is embrace and explore your potential, your passions, and your purpose. Step 5 is detach from tomorrow and start living for today. Step 6 is own your best self. Actually, that's not true. It's own your badass self. I've—

Yeah.

I've been trying to train myself to say own your best self for national television, but in the book it's own your badass self with unshakable boundaries and self-worth. And finally, step 7 is master yourself so you stay grounded with life's inevitable ups and downs, because we know it's gonna happen, right? That's the thing. It's not like you get it all figured out and you're like, you can just sit back and relax in your recliner.

Yes. Yes.

We're a work in progress.

Yeah. For our perfectionists out there, I remember having that belief that like there was going to be a time when I, like, got there. I even remember, like, when I was in college and I— there was this girl in my sorority who, like, was, you know, at the gym. And I was like, if I looked like her, I wouldn't go to the gym anymore. But which is so silly because, like, wait, you know, it's called maintenance.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, you have to keep up with it. But don't you find though the things that used to really pull you down You're like, oh,

it just—it's just a new, like what do they say? New level, new devil. Like it's just—it's just like the next thing that's gonna come up that you gotta address. You know,

you need to trademark that. New level, new devil.

I did not come up with that. I can't—I can't take credit.

Speaking of last week, I was driving the RV from Miami to Atlanta. And during my drive, because when you're driving an RV, you're just like doo doo doo doo doo. After a while, you're like, okay, I love it. Fun for the first 30 minutes, and then you just start sitting there thinking about everything. And I had this thought pop into my mind where it's like a huge worry, and I and then I forgot. I was like, and then I started thinking about something else. I was like, wait, I know there was something stressful that just I was like, what was I worried about? The point is, like you can literally. I realized in that moment, and I used to be a. Chronic worrier, so bad, so bad, where I wouldn't sleep at night because I'd be worrying so much. And then again, training my brain and training my body to not worry anymore. And you almost have to coach yourself. You just coach yourself through things and you'd be like, it's gonna be all right, you're okay, it's all right, it's good. Become your own BFF, right? Yeah.

Can I ask about a specific practical example? I have, I have, because I know you, I have, I have a specific practical example I want to ask about.

Yes. Yes.

Okay. So the volley up to why I'm asking this, this question is that Paul and I have this conversation all the time. He's like, things are really good right now. And what if something bad happens?

Oh, he's always waiting for the ball to drop.

He's always waiting for the ball to drop. And then when the ball drops, he's like, see? And I'm like,

oh,

these are happenings. You are going to deal with happenings for the rest of your life.

Yeah.

And your, your last step, you said, of your Freedom Framework was master yourself. And so having— and of course mastery, I know, is a lifelong process, but I feel like a really great example of you practicing that is with With the exciting, maybe hot burning of a specific vehicle that may have happened.

Oh yeah,

that one! She's like, what

are you talking

about? See, I've already forgotten about it. Oh, I remember it. That's how much I do not give a crap.

All right, tell everyone this story because this is amazing that I had to remind you of it.

Yeah, so I went up to South Dakota for the purpose of getting a driver's license. So here's a little fact about full-time RVers. You can choose your state of domicile. So typically people will choose either Florida, South Dakota, or Texas because they're very RV-friendly states and there's no state taxes. Isn't that nice? So I was like, okay. And then in South Dakota, you literally just spend the night, one night, and you show up at the DMV with your receipt. I was like, that is the best one-night stand I will ever. So anyways, I'm towing this little Fiat, little tiny little car behind the RV, and I leave the RV park that morning. I fresh license plates on my little South Dakota license plates on my on my car on the Fiat, and so I'm leaving. It's. Pouring rain, it's dark, driving down the highway. And actually, I was like, I only have a short drive today, this is gonna be great, this is gonna be such a great day, I don't even care if it's raining. And then as I'm like cruising down and I see people like waving, and I was like, oh my God, people are so nice here in South Dakota. I'm like, I am loving my new home state. Hello! I was like They're so nice. And then people are— then I look over and they're not like just waving, they're like, ah, pull over. Anyways, I pull over, the car is on flames. In flames. Yeah, I mean, look on my Instagram, scroll down a little bit, you'll see it. That sucker was a burnt marshmallow in about 10 minutes. And you know what, I'll have to say, here's one thing that's nice. I mean, I used to be in what, 5,000 square feet, and then I went down to 100 square feet. And I mean, talk about decluttering in my life. I didn't just declutter thoughts and shitty, you know, habits and things like that. Also all my stuff, physical clutter. But then you start to realize, what does it really matter? You know, like, I, I was like, yeah, okay. I'm safe. I'm healthy. I'm good. And you— going back to the basics, right? Like, what all do we really truly need to be happy? Yeah. So sometimes things do have to go up in flames.

What did you do about it being on fire?

They came. They put out the fire. And it's like— I mean, girl, I'm talking— torched. But here's, here's, here's a positive thing about the whole thing. This is kind of funny. Now, I'll admit, okay, I'm a girly girl, but in the back seat I had a really nice Tumi suitcase. It was my fave. Ooh. And inside that suitcase, I had just grabbed all the dresses that I would need for my interviews for my book, and I had tossed them in the back because I didn't have room. I was like, ah, just toss them back there, you know, like For full-time RVers, like, your towable ends up becoming like an extra closet, you know, a little storage unit. So anyways, I tossed all of those, all my really nice shoes, dresses, everything was in the back seat. And I was like, no. But the positive, I got to get new dresses.

Right. Look at this

one right here. Isn't this cute?

That's a dress. Is that top or a dress?

It's a dress. It's actually— and, and they're, um, it's got shorts inside of it.

Ooh, we love that.

Which sounds really genius until you like, oh wait, I gotta go to the bathroom.

Oh yeah, true. That's fair. Rompers are always a little tough.

They need the snaps like a children's onesie.

Yes.

All

of them need to have that.

Lily Pulitzer, why didn't you think of the snaps?

Yes.

Come on, girl. But yeah, so you've

asked—

I did that. Like, so after I left there and I'm driving and I'm like, of course I was like, analyze— not analyze, but I'm like, what can we learn from this?

Yeah, yeah.

Everything that happens in my life, what can I learn from this? But you know, sometimes yes, you— sometimes things have to be deconstructed in your life to reconstruct something new. And you don't— I'm— I don't know, I'm just not attached to stuff anymore. And that's one of those things, like, if I had set off 7 years ago, like, my goal is to just not be attached to anything anymore and to just not give a crap, like, I wouldn't have been, you know? Like, you, you just, you just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Just like, what is that, Laozi, you said, a journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step? Just take one step and another and another. I mean, really We're the ones that get in our own way, right? We're our worst enemy, which is really sad.

You were talking earlier about neuroplasticity and, uh, a hack. I just dropped my remote.

Sorry. Oh, the remote for your TV to change the channel?

I'm sitting on a PEMF program here. Oh, and I'm like getting good, happy, relaxing vibes, but this remote is really— this is way too—

Oh my God, that thing was made in the '70s.

Seriously, the hospital button.

It does. I'm like, SOS. So I was thinking about neuroplasticity and the inner monologue that we have, and there's this interesting study that came out and it was talking about talking out loud to ourselves. Using our own names, because that's how we're socialized to give and receive information. So instead of me saying like, "Okay, you've got this. You're amazing," is saying, "Hey Nicole, maybe even look at yourself in the eyes in the mirror. Hey Nicole, you've got this. Nicole, you're amazing," and actually using your own name and saying the words that. Represent you being who you want to be now.

Yes, mine, mine is Wonder Wendy.

Woo!

Wonder Wendy! Dun-da-da! Yeah, and then I tell Wicked Wendy just to like shut the hell up sometimes. I'm like, girl, are you serious?

We're—

Wonder Wendy is like way more powerful than you.

I love

it.

What is yours, Hads?

Well, happy, healthy Hadley.

Yeah, I know. Happy, healthy Hadley. Happy, healthy Hadley. You can make a song out of that. You know, okay, this popped in my mind. I want to share it. So there's a quote by Marianne Williamson: our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. Now here's the most important line I feel of them all: it is our light Not our darkness that most frightens us. That quote was part of my whole transformation because I had that quote on the wall and I would stare at every day and I'm like, and I'll admit I kind of like didn't even believe it. I was just like, that's bullshit. I'm not like, why would I be scared of my light? And then I thought about, I was like, what if? Okay, okay, Wonder Wendy. What if you embraced your light? What if you did all the things that you think about doing or that you want to do? What if you actually became that woman that fully steps into her light and she shines? And that is scary as shit because that means you might have to change your career, you might have to change relationships, you might have to move, you might actually have to get up at 5 AM. You You might actually have to start meditating. You might have to start eating better. Like, all the things that are good for you can be scary, but staying in the dark, what's the point? Mm-hmm. Like, you get this one teensy tiny little life, and I mean, my, my ex-husband died at the age of 26. 6. And every time I think about, should I do this? Oh, I'm so scared. I always— I could— I can hear Jason's voice going, seriously, you're still breathing. Give me a break. You know what I mean? Like, go for it. Go out on stage. Write that book. Like, do all the things because you can.

Hmm.

And I, I feel like we We all do. We take life for granted. I mean, life is such a beautiful, beautiful experience, and we're just— I mean, one of the reasons I named it Women Waking Up was not even so much like the whole thing, like, is it a crisis? Is midlife a crisis? Actually, it's more like a coma because we're just sleepwalking through life. We're like, not— we're just like, whoa, like robots, just Like, wake up. Like, there are so many amazing things you can do in life if you let yourself do it and you do the work. Which work is— I mean, the work is fun though too.

I agree. I know, I don't even think of it as work. Like, my husband was trying to be like, okay, how do you make people see that? Like, you know, you do have people do work, but it's different from the work they think that they're going to be doing. And I'm like, yeah, but it doesn't It doesn't really feel like work. You know, it like feels more like fun. Yes,

I

know. Yes.

You know, I had, um, oh yes, it was on K-COW the other day in Los Angeles, and these girls were— the hostess, she was like in her 30s, and she's like, well, I find like I'm interested in this. She's like, I'm like nervous about midlife. And I was like, no. I'm like, here's one bit of advice that I could give to the 20-year-olds and the 30-year-olds out there. Be proactive. Do like I was telling you earlier, that it's like you do the work in the beginning so you can clear that slate, so you're not carrying around a bunch of crap in your life that is weighing you down, that it's not allowing you to do all the things that you want to do or be the person that you want to be. Like, be proactive instead of reactive. Don't wait and be like— and I mean, like me, like I, you know, shoot, I went through like so many horrible things. I'm like down there on the bathroom floor bawling my eyes out that if I had been more proactive in my life and avoided some of that, I wouldn't have had that. But then again, I'm grateful I did have it because I wouldn't be sitting here talking to you.

Totally. Yeah, yeah, you don't have to have the dark night of the soul. Like, it doesn't have to get so bad. Like,

no, it doesn't. And if it does, that's okay too.

Totally.

For me, it did.

Did it?

For me, the pain of staying the same had to outweigh the pain of change.

Word.

Mm-hmm.

And so I had to get to that place that like, let— I've spent many a days laying on the bathroom floor crying and I had to change it. I had to give up my job. I sold my half of the business to my business partner. We moved across the country. We started a completely new business. We didn't know anybody, and it was a lot of shedding what was. So I wrote down what you'd said earlier is, what if you embrace your light? Well, I might have to start changing my job, changing my relationships. And for me, it was, uh, how do I not die in this? Mm-hmm. I'm going to have to change my job, change my life. It's like an obstacle to cure for me. So I love those who are listening, is you have an opportunity to listen to the whispers as opposed to waiting for the shouts in order to ask yourself these questions, because you don't have to live in that old program. And Wendy, what I so love about you and your work is that you do make it fun and accessible as opposed to midlife crisis, and what are the medical treatments we need to do to fix you because you're broken and in crisis, right?

Yeah. Yeah. I always say you're not broken, you're breaking open.

Ooh.

Write that down. Write that down.

I love that.

And it always makes me think of the butterfly inside the chrysalis, that if you were to cut the top of the chrysalis off and you pulled the butterfly out, The butterfly would be deformed and it would die. The butterfly has to struggle. It has to like use all of its energy to pump the blood through its veins in order to bust through the chrysalis to fly and be free. We have to do just the same. It's all part of it. The struggle's okay. Yeah.

I learned that about dragonflies actually recently, that they spend like the first several years, maybe 5 years of their lives, like swimming around in the water. And they're these like gooey little swimmy creatures. And then like one day, it just occurs to them that they want to climb up out of the water and onto like a branch. And then they crack open and they fly out, like, but they had no idea. Wow. And so it's like, you may be in this one existence, you may have this programming that you are this person, you are worthy of those things. This is your lot in life. You may be swimming in the water, but then maybe you have that inclination, like, what if I just climb up onto dry land? That saying yes to the adventure, like, shit, you may burst out of a cocoon as a dragonfly, or you may become a butterfly. Like,

yeah,

you just don't know what you don't know.

It's the what-ifs, right? What if That's actually the— that's my next book.

Ooh.

The next one. What if?

I can't wait.

What if? What if? Right? Yeah.

And often we ask ourselves, like, what if something bad happens? But you could ask yourself, what if something amazing happens? Yes.

Exactly. I know we're so trained to say, what's the worst that can happen? Well, what's the best that could happen?

Totally.

Right?

I love it. Wait, inquiring minds want to know, Nicole, what's your name?

Oh yeah.

So we've got Wonder Wendy and Happy Healthy Hadley.

Naughty Nicole.

I know, I literally was thinking, dude, naughty Nicole.

You know, maybe I'll, I'll, I'll call— so this ages me a little bit, but when I was in junior high school or something like that, Chats, like chat rooms, like AOL chat rooms were a new thing.

Yeah.

And I went on this mission trip. I was, I like was raised in the Lutheran Church and they sent us, it was like a bunch of white kids from Iowa. We went on a mission trip to help people in West Virginia. And then we felt good about ourselves and we're doing God's work, right? So I'm there and I meet a really cute boy. His name is Parker, and I'm still friends with him. He's a very, very cool human.

Aww.

But I was like, he's super cute, and I want to be able to chat with this boy, and I don't have a phone. We have the rotary phone on the wall. I want to be able to chat, but there's this new thing I've heard of called AOL. And so I just made up a name, and I was like, I'm Nikolawa. And I was like, I'm gonna create a chat account when I get back home to Iowa. I'll get on my dad's computer and I'll make an AIM account the first time, I'll call it Nikolawa. And because there's like 10 people on the internet at that time, I got the— I got that handle. So I feel like just to like pay homage to, yeah, my younger goofy Nikolawa, that's, that's my superhero name.

I love it. That's so cute.

Back when the internet was a new thing.

Yeah.

But you know, you're right though, sometimes it— and I do that, I'll talk to myself out loud. Be like, girl, you know, or if I'm like struggling with something, like, girl, we don't have time for this. We do not have time for this. Nope. Yeah. I'm not doing it. Yeah. I mean, you have to like almost parent yourself, coach yourself. Like, no, mm-hmm. Not doing that.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

I love that. I like the idea of reparenting cuz yeah, our parents couldn't be all of the things we needed, but we can be our own best friend. No, we can be our own parent, like you said, Wendy.

Yeah. And not abandon ourselves.

Mm-hmm.

I think that was like the greatest, greatest aha moment for myself 2 years ago, sitting on a picnic table in Malibu overlooking the ocean. And I had realized that, yes, I had, I mean, I was abandoned as a little girl. Mm-hmm. And ever since then, I always had fear of abandonment. people leaving me behind or not being good enough. That's where all that perfectionism came from and the people pleasing and the codependency. And I mean, I became so good at all of that to avoid being abandoned. I like— I gathered more labels, more labels on myself to protect myself. And then I realized that day sitting there in Malibu that I was like, wait a second, I, I became my fear. I, I feared so much of being abandoned that I was actually abandoning myself.

Mm-hmm.

And then I had that little chit-chat with little Wendy that day, and I was like, girl, I got you. You can relax. You are not going to be abandoned. Like, I'm doing this. We are doing this. Like, it's going to be fine. So yeah, like, it's just You know, and you don't— I think unless you dive into the work, you just, you're not gonna have those simple but incredibly profound aha moments.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You can hear all this, but unless you take action—

Yeah. You have to start digging away. Right.

Mm-hmm.

And actually, like, there's the, um, Michelangelo, when they asked him how he carved the Statue of David. And he said, oh, he's like, well, I just carved away everything that was not him. Mm-hmm. And that's part of it. Like, you're carving away everything that is not you. And until you get real with yourself and you get quiet enough to be like, is this what I think? Is this the relationship I wanna have? Is this where I wanna live? Is this what I wanna do with my life? When you start carving away all of that extra heavy marble, Then you get to you. Because they're like, there's all that talk these days of like, become your authentic self, be your true self. And I can remember thinking like, what the hell does that mean? Because I don't— how do I get her? And it's not that we have to learn something new, it's the unlearning. It is the carving away at the bullshit that weighs us down in life, period.

Mic drop.

Yeah. Mic drop. We're gonna find our inner Michelangelos, y'all.

Yes.

So,

yeah,

Wendy, people are gonna wanna find you. So tell us all the places they can come and play and how to get in touch.

Wow. I like that. Come and play. I love that. The best place is wendyvalentine.com. That's the main hub where all the joy is. Woo! Instagram. I love Instagram. Y'all know I love Instagram. If you just want to be entertained and laugh, And be inspired. Yeah, Instagram, Wendy Valentine.

And can confirm her Instagram is phenomenal.

She can vouch. She can vouch for me. Um, and then the Midlife Makeover Show podcast too, which we talk about all things midlife, relationships, health, mindset, menopause. It's all the craze these days, those hormones.

All those hormones. And then of course your book, Women Waking Up. It's anywhere books are sold. And I know that as an author, Your words of encouragement mean everything. So if you love her book, please leave words of encouragement on Goodreads and Amazon and spread the word. This book is really, truly amazing. And you can go to womenwakingup.com also to learn more about Wendy and her beautiful book baby and stay in the community. Because I know I can't wait to hear about What If. Which will be gestating for the next indescribed amount of time.

Yes. Yes. I'm already pregnant with what if. Yeah.

Wow.

What if? I can't wait. But for now, the first baby.

For now, let's get that Women Waking Up. Everyone, thank you so much for listening to the Holistic Inner Balance Podcast. This has been a blast of a conversation. Thank you.

Bye! Bye!