Self Love & Befriending ALL Parts of You (Live in San Diego) | Ep. 115

Welcome to the Holistic Inner Balance Podcast with Dr. Nicole Caine and Happy Healthy Hadlee. Your go-to resource for natural mental health and wellness strategies so that you can become the expert of your own emotional and physical well-being. Merging modern science with ancient wisdom.

The reason for the live event nature— Yes. I felt really passionate and really called to bring women together in a room where we can nourish each other. I got that word from my friend Adrienne, but we are also worthy of being nourished. I saw an image of a big vase, and the vase has holes in the bottom. And so we pour energy and love and bandwidth in, and then we give out to people. And everyone is here— you've been curated to be here— of people that are doing amazing things in the world, purpose, and helping people find homes and advocating for people in the legal system. You guys have purpose, and we want to fill you and nourish you. And I thought a live event would be a wonderful way to do that. So thank you for being here.

Yes, thank you all so much for being here. I'm so excited. This has been on our hearts for— we've been podcasting together for almost 2 years. And basically since then, we've been like, we've gotta do live events. I think especially everyone right now is craving more in-person things. I don't know about you, but I am. And especially after after the last few years. And so I'm so excited to be able to do these all over. And thank you all for being our first, our first experience. I'm really excited. You guys are all the best. I've been— it's been so fun chatting with all of you or some of you. And yeah, I'm really excited to get started. We're going to be doing a lot on self-love today, and we're going to be going deep into how do we actually create self-love From a place of real, true befriending of all parts of ourselves, rather than— I think self-love has kind of become co-opted, especially with, like, Valentine's Day and stuff. It's like, okay, so, you know, buy this thing to show yourself that you love yourself, right? And that's— we love a luxurious moment. We love fun things. And that's not— really making us love ourselves more, right? So hopefully, our hope today is to have you all go deeper into loving on yourselves so that you can have an experience, not just of, not just of like saying all of the nice things to yourself, like, I'm great, I'm wonderful, I'm a badass, like all these things, which are great, these are great affirmations, But to also go into the parts of yourself that aren't always so easy to love. And that, to me, that's been like the most game-changing thing for me in my journey to self-love is identifying the things that I'm like, mm, I don't love this thing about myself, but how can I create more love around it? At least create some understanding and acceptance. And then that might even meld into something to love about. that part of ourselves. So that is the point of today, and I hope that all of you get some really, really juicy nuggets out of it. If you have a piece of paper, I highly encourage you to write some things down. If you don't have one, we have some over there, and we're gonna do a little demonstration today for you, and you guys can write down some of the patterns that you have that you want to kind of hone in on for yourself as well. So. Awesome.

One thing that you said I really love is that language of like, I'm a badass, I'm amazing, those positive affirmations that we use. Mm-hmm. And I think that's valuable when our hangups live in our logical brain. And I've had those moments where I may have a negative thought or a negative belief that perhaps needs to be returned to sender. It was something that came to me when I was younger or came at me. But the presupposition that all of that lives in our logical brains has been disproven by neuroscience. Mm-hmm. So that top-down, we call it in neuroscience, that top-down understanding is important. And so, like, I'm all about creating those affirmations, writing things in lipstick on your mirror, and like— All vibes welcome, you know, all of that. And at the same time is providing opportunities for bottom-up work, which we've talked about a little bit, and I'm really excited to dig in today.

Yes. Okay, speaking of the lipstick thing, I used to write every single time I had a show— I was in theater, so every time I had a show, we would all write like a, like a quote or something in lipstick on our mirrors. Every time. And I would always write— my mom gave me this quote. She always said it to me right before the shows: be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid. It's a Goethe quote and it's like my favorite. So just had to add that one there to your list of affirmations, which are amazing. And let's go a little deeper.

So this is a moment where if I had my piece of paper out, I would have written that down. You always say such good stuff, but I was like, You're so cute. Hold back, get the paper.

You guys, she literally has her notebook back there. She's like, well, just in case you say something really, really good and I need to grab it down. You're so cute.

Yeah, it's good. That's how I think. I write it down. So let's talk about what is this bottom-up business?

Yes.

I'm curious. Bottom-up. Bottom-up. What does that word mean? So bottom-up is more recently discovered by thought leaders like Bessel van der Kolk, who wrote the book The Body Keeps the Score, and Bruce Perry, who wrote What Happened to You with Oprah, or even Peter Levine, our favorite somatic healer. Yes. Such good thought leaders. And what they're finding, in addition with our counselor friends like Francine Shapiro, who founded EMDR, And all of these amazing trauma-informed thought leaders is that the body does keep the score in terms of when something difficult or stressful or complicated happens, that we adapt to enable us to be better suited for survival. And that adaptation takes place in our thoughts and our thinking patterns, but it also takes place in the body. Mm-hmm. And so when we talk about bottom-up, we're talking about how the body has adapted. And what's really interesting about that— and I could go on for days— but one thing that's really interesting about that is that one of the adaptations may be how your immune system responds or what's happening in your gut microbiome. When we have a thought, that thought is carried down to the autonomic nervous system, your vagus nerve, We'll totally get into more about that. And then the vagus nerve connects with your gut, and then it has a conversation with the bugs in your gut, and then they communicate back. In fact, 80% of communication between the gut and the brain comes from the gut. Those bugs have a lot to say. Mm-hmm. So we're talking bottom-up. That's really powerful. So if you've been on this personal development journey, and you feel like stuff is getting in my way, things are holding me back, I feel like I'm fighting against my negative thoughts, or maybe even anxiety, or maybe even, like, self-loathing, or whatever that is, and I'm doing all of the positive thoughts and affirmations, I'm doing all the top-down stuff, and yet I feel stuck. Bottom-up is where it's at. And that's what you're gonna learn today. We're gonna share with you a technique. You'll be able to walk away today with a technique of how to do bottom-up. to start changing that 80% communication going to your brain.

It's so good. So a lot of personal development stuff is like, change your thoughts, change your life, right? But we actually need to do this other work too that is kind of that, that is that bottom up into our thoughts, right? So we need to do the work that we're gonna be doing today, and then we also need to take care of ourselves. So I wanted to bring that in as well because we do need to do things that make us feel physically like we can even have the kind of thoughts that we want to have. I don't know about you all, but like, I have such a hard time if I'm not doing like the things I know I need to do, the habits that I know that I need to have, eating the way that like makes me feel good. It's so hard to have positive thoughts, right? Like, I'm like, I'm like, just think positive. And that's really, really hard to do unless we feel— Like we're in a place that we can actually get there. So that's a piece of it as well. And we talk about that a ton on the podcast. So, so tune in if you ever wanna, if you ever wanna dive in deeper to that. But I wanted to bring that into the equation as well.

Controversial question. So I was flying, I had to fly here.

Yes. You know how I love to fly. Yes.

That was actually sarcastic. So I used to be so afraid of flying that I would have to drug the heck out of myself to get on the plane and not sob the entire time on the plane. And now I can fly drug-free for the most part. When it's 50 minutes,

it's okay. When it's 50

minutes, my window of tolerance is like, okay, okay, okay. So I posted something recently where I was talking about So working with the body and the nervous system when we are in states of autonomic arousal, which is like fight, flight, freeze, etc. And somebody posted a comment and they're like, but then you're teaching the body that it's okay to cope your way out of stress as opposed to accepting, acknowledging, and being in the stress. Mm-hmm. So I'm kind of curious what you think about that because we're framing this whole conversation around how to work with the body, how to increase self-love in a way that is fully integrative. And I have people asking questions about, well, that's not acceptance of what is. I'm curious what you think.

Well, Carl Rogers said that the curious paradox is that when I accept myself, then I can change. So we actually have to accept fully and completely what we're experiencing in the moment in order to even get to a place where we can change. And I don't know, I am all about acceptance because I think that we don't have as much acceptance in our world as we need to in order to live a purposeful life, live a joyful, meaningful life. And we can also change, but we have to do that through acceptance. So it is so interesting. But yeah, I think that once you do accept, then you can change things.

And how could I argue with Carl Rogers? I love him.

I know.

That's so good. See, I would have written that down too. It's so good. I love it. So what I hear you saying is that, so something is happening, whatever that symptom is, that indicator of dis-ease.

I love that, dis-ease. Dis-ease. When we're not in ease. Yes.

And we're working for easefulness. So when we're in dis-ease, or medical community may say disease, right?

Yeah.

When we're not in that, the first thing to do is to radically acknowledge it as it is.

Yeah, exactly.

And then we reclaim agency.

Yes, there you go.

Take back our power. All right, I acknowledge you, I see you, I accept you, and I'm gonna do what I can to take back my power in whatever way that looks like. So for me, ideally, I could have catapulted myself out of the plane, and I'd have been like, weee, I can get off of this.

Right.

Maybe—

But that doesn't really work. Yes.

It does not. Sometimes we are limited in the amount of control that we have, and so reclaiming our power could be different objectively.

I like that too, because, okay, so Peter Levine talks about how trauma happens when we can't take action on the thing that we're like terrified about. So like for you, you're sitting in the plane, you can't do anything, you are literally trapped. And so your body is perceiving that as trauma or an adaptation, whatever you wanna call it. You know, might be more little t, it might be big T, but depending on your perception, you know, whatever. Yeah. And so, We want to acknowledge that. Maybe you get up out of your seat, walk around a little bit, because movement can really help us to move these things out of our bodies. Um, because yeah, a lot of times it's when we feel like we literally can't move is when it gets worse.

Yeah, I love that. So then reclaiming agency, in what way that could be. And so I can't get off the plane, Or maybe if I'm in a stressful entrepreneurial situation and I can't fix whatever shit is going down, but in what ways can I take agency? And then this bottom-up thing we're going to talk about today— this is like the longest lead-in to an exercise ever— But then I could use that, and I think having clear expectations of how can I acknowledge and accept, but then leverage this as an opportunity to reclaim agency, And what does agency look like for me in this circumstance right now? And then if I need to circle back to it, what does that look like to continue to reclaim agency?

So good.

Yeah. So that was good. I, I would really like to have you just like write that out so I can reply to that comment on there with all of that. If you could just do that for me, that would be great because that was beautiful. Because I think it's really important is we're not trying to escape our suffering. Because suffering are indicators of what needs healing and how. And so our job is to be like Sherlock Holmes or Enola Holmes.

Love it.

Girl power. Enola Holmes it and like figure out like, okay, what does this mean? So when I'm sitting on the plane, because this is all about me apparently today and my anxiety flying.

I love it.

Is that we're like taking off and it's bumpy, and then I get this like jolt of chest anxiety, which is anxiety that lives in the chest. And then I'm like, oh, okay, my body is getting activated. And if I think about what that means on a neuroscience level, I can look back through my timeline to when I didn't have power and agency in the past, and I feel that fear and that trappedness now. And so what can I do? I can't untrap myself. Mm-hmm. But I can cope in that moment And then I can go back and do this bottom-up exercise when I'm in a place that's safe.

Well, and the other thing is, I think I like that you brought up the coping and how some people are like, well, you don't want to just cope your way out of a situation. And I think that's really true because I think our emotions, things that come up in our bodies, our feelings— I want to also be clear that like feelings, when we say feel your feelings, feelings are not emotions. Feelings are the physical sensations that accompany your emotions. So we want to be like clear on that, because I think people get really confused. Like, feel your feelings. Like, I remember I was always really frustrated when people would be like, feel your feelings, and I'm like, I don't know how. So it's actually feeling what physical sensations come up in your body when the emotions come up. So that's, that's one part of it. And then there are things that we can do to cope, especially if it's like an overwhelming sensation, like an overwhelming thing that's happening to us or what we're perceiving as overwhelming. And then once we're kind of through that, when we can cope through that, we do want to also identify what was that communicating with me? Because if we just cope things away and we just keep like coping things away, we have, you know, even if it's a really healthy coping mechanism of like meditation or, okay, I'm going to go for a run when I feel stressed, That isn't getting rid of the actual thing that keeps coming up in our lives. So we also want to create that, that agency, take our power back and identify, okay, I'm experiencing this. What needs to shift in my life? If it's something, if it's a pattern that keeps coming up over and over, obviously if it's not, that's fine. But if it does keep coming up over and over again, it's like, what is actually happening here? What Boundaries do I maybe need to set? Everyone loves boundaries. Or sometimes I don't, sometimes people don't vibe with the word boundaries. So I like to use the word expectations. What expectations do I need to set? What am I available for? And identifying that for yourself, sometimes you don't even need to tell someone else what you're available for, but just like owning that for yourself, people will treat you differently. Sometimes you need to communicate it too. But what am I available for in this situation? Or maybe it's something else that needs to shift, like, I need to be exercising every day. Maybe it's something as simple, quote unquote simple, as that, where it's something that I need to be doing for myself or not doing for myself. So they are these emotions, these feelings that come up, the feelings, sensations that come up with emotions are really helpful cues to show us, okay, what can I tweak in my life to feel better in, you know, in my day-to-day life?

Beautiful. I love that. So let's talk about EMDR. Are

you ready? Yes.

So you know about EMDR.

Yes.

It is the best form of therapy that I think I've used in combination with parts work. That's like, hmm, the secret soul sauce. I don't know. So good, so good. And what it is, is it stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy. That's such a mouthful, that's why we say EMDR, because nobody wants to say the whole thing. And parts work is in reference to how we have lots of different parts of ourselves. Like part of me is like really excited to go and have some cacao today. And part of me is like, mm, but I could like really eat all the burritos. Like savory, salty. So it could be as like basic as that, or it could be super complex. Like part of me is so excited to like get on that plane and go to San Diego and have an adventure, and part of me is like, I'm gonna have a panic attack, right? So we have different parts of ourselves, right?

Nervous but excited at the same time, like That's totally a thing. Yeah.

And so EMDR, it was originally developed in the 1980s by Francine Shapiro, and when she created it, she's starting to kind of make connections between the way that we think and then what's happening in our body. And in neuroscience, we're discovering that when we go through stress and adversity, That doesn't just get stored in our cortex. The cortex is the logical part of the brain. It's the analytical part of the brain. So we can't always think our way out of why we feel the way we feel. And so Francine, she's just like walking along and starts to develop this theory. She was doing a lot of work with Ericksonian hypnosis. Mm-hmm. And so she was really interested in some of those unconscious processes anyway and getting a lot of training in that. And so she She starts to come up with this idea of what if we were working with the body in order to change how we feel in the brain, right?

Yes, it's so good. And like, we're gonna talk about what she actually came up with, but it's just so interesting. She's a woman, and it was not taken seriously for so long. It also does seem pretty bizarre, what she came up with. So to be fair, it's like, oh wow, okay. sort of accidentally came up with it, right? Like, it's pretty cool. But now the science is showing, like, that it is the most effective form of therapy for trauma. It's so cool. So tell us what she actually discovered.

And I like that you said that, and I want to put it trauma/adversity/overwhelm/stress, because one of the biggest misconceptions about trauma is that I don't have it.

Yes.

All of us have gone— if you live on planet Earth, which I think you do, you have trauma, my loves.

Yes.

And so you talked about big T traumas earlier. So those are like big catastrophic things like a car accident or a medical diagnosis or a loss of a loved one or going through a worldwide pandemic. Right. And there's little t traumas, which could be being neglected every single day of your life by your partner or your caretakers. You know, it could be repetitive smaller things which have just as big of an impact, or it could be large things. So trauma/adversity. So I want to put that disclaimer out there that we all have trauma. And so what Francine Shapiro started thinking is that the bilateral sensation was what was interesting. So she's like, okay, people are moving their eyes left and right and kind of reproducing what we do in REM sleep. sleep, when your eyes move back and forth, that that's what's happening. That's what's working. But it's actually not that. We don't think. We think it's more about the dual awareness processing. Dual awareness processing. So what's happening, we think, is that when our memory or trauma trigger or an activator happens, that that That part of the brain where that is stored, or the multiple parts of the brain, I just want to keep it less complicated. So that part of the brain where that's stored lights up. But what's really wacky is that these parts of the brain may not have access to time. They're stored in non-temporal parts of the brain. And so it feels like it's happening again. You're right back in that. You smell something, you're right back, you You smell like your grandma's soap.

Oh my gosh, my grandpa's cigarettes. Literally every time it's like a specific brand of cigarette and I'm like, Grandpa Edgar, Grandpa's here,

he's here.

And then I'm like, oh, it's cigarette smoke. Like at first I think of him, then I'm like, oh, it's because it's cigarette smoke. Yeah.

So it like brings you back. That part of the brain, though, some of those associated networks don't have time. So what we're doing with this bottom-up work, this EMDR, this dual awareness processing, is you stimulate your body in real time, in the moment, and then you think about that memory, and then suddenly we're starting to make connections. And so things that are stuck in the past where we were trapped, we didn't have power, we got stuck, we couldn't claim agency, now suddenly we have a road to go in and correct that. Oh, I have goosebumps.

So good, it's so good.

It's really, really cool.

You wanna talk a little bit about bilateral stimulation?

I want you to.

Well, that I love because there's so many different ways that you can do it. You don't have to always do it with like the eye movement. There's literally walking can be a version of bilateral stimulation. It basically just means that you are stimulating one part of the body and then another part of the body and then another, and then the other part. Like going back and forth. And so this is why a lot of times yoga can be really effective. Yoga can be really helpful. It's also why just going for a walk can help you kind of clear your head when you're experiencing something, because you're moving back and forth, back and forth your feet. And even more bonus points if you move your arms, like you're like walking like a fast walker professional.

Have you seen the Olympics, the fast walking Olympics?

Exactly, that's what I'm thinking of.

I had never heard of that. I was like, what is

that? They're like thrusting with their legs. That's literally how my parents have always walked. That's how they walk? Yes, like they'll go for walks. They haven't been able to— they haven't been like allowed to run. Their doctors are like, no, you have run too much in your life and you have, you've broken yourself, so you have to walk. So they just, they go for like power walks and that's literally how they do it. They're like so happy too, so it's working. Yeah, it's working. So yeah, what other bilateral stimulation? There's the butterfly.

Yeah.

So if you, if everyone wants to try this, you can go back and forth. So yeah, exactly. You can do it on your arms, and you can do this to kind of like process. Tapping is another one. Yeah.

People talk a lot about tapping. Rapid tapping is super hip right now. And so they talk about like, you know, EFT was coined by somebody. I don't remember what his name is. Forgive me. We'll put it in the notes. But, you know, he's like, oh, if you tap at these different acupuncture points, then you can get different therapeutic results for them. But like, really, we like to overcomplicate it and put our names on it and then patent it, and then people like write about us when we're dead.

It's really just

the dual awareness processing.

Yeah, it's just like you're stimulating other parts of your, of your body. Yeah, yeah.

So if you want to tap in your wrists, like, you tap where you got to tap. Take that power back. You don't have to Tap or that white guy told you to tap.

I love it. Yeah, yeah, where he kind of took a traditional thing and made it his own.

Yeah, is that called Bogarting?

Ooh, I think so. I think you're right.

If we both say it is, then it is.

Post-truth era. If we say it is, it is. Don't quote us on it.

Let's do some bottom-up tappy stuff together.

Ooh, I love it. Are you ready?

We're gonna do it together. So I'm gonna do this exercise with you, and if you're— as you're listening, if you want to do your own tapping with this and like get into your own stuff, I'm gonna guide you through it. And sometimes I like to close my eyes and just like get into the flow. And so if you feel comfy with that, my friend, I'm probably gonna do that. Of course. But we're going to— we're gonna do a little bit of parts work, and we're gonna do parts work on Shadow Hadlee. And so that comes from a lot of— I love Carl Jung, so I give a lot of reference to him. He's the— he's a psychotherapist who worked under Freud, and he believed that there's so much information about us that's hidden in the unconscious. And he talked about what stays in the unconscious and doesn't get addressed will continue to affect us today, and we will call it fate. And so we can reclaim our fate by doing this exercise. And so we're gonna do a little bit of parts work. We're gonna do a little bit of meeting place, which comes from EMDR. So this is gonna be like kind of a weaving because I want you to walk away knowing how to do it today. So, and if you want to hear more about Hadlee's shadow selves, we also have an episode that's getting edited at the time of this recording, which will come out soon.

You're just airing all of my dirty laundry. Your shadow.

I love it. It's so beautiful, and I honor and see the light and the shadow in you.

You're so sweet. Thank you. Love that. I love that. I honor and see the light and the shadow in you. That's— and accept it. That's amazing.

I accept that. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, my love, you feel ready?

I feel ready. Yes.

Okay, so what we're gonna do is you're gonna tap left and right. And you may feel free to tap wherever it feels comfortable. So if you'd rather tap on the tops of your legs, you may do that. If you'd rather tap your feet, you could do that. If you want a butterfly hug, that sounds good. And some people, they would rather tap on the sides of their head. There's no right or wrong way to do it. And so—

And you all are welcome to

A couple hacks with tapping is that if we tap a little faster, like pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, that's going to be a processing tapping. That's going to unpack some stuff. So if you go to EMDR with a therapist and they're like, we're getting into your memories, babe. Hold on. Are you ready? They're going to fast tap. But if you just want to relax and calm the nervous system, this slow it down a little bit. I'll put you more into parasympathetic, which is resting, right? So what I want to do for you is we're gonna process a little bit. So if you feel comfy, we're gonna go like kind of at a moderate pace, and then I want a stopgap for you. So if you're like, I'm not vibing this, Cain, what would you like to be your cue that we stop?

Like a safe word.

A safe word, like Portlandia is like, cacao!

Oh my gosh, I love it. We'll still do cacao. Cacao!

I'm thinking of Moira Rose now, like, caw!

I love it. Farlandia. Oh man.

Okay.

It's accurate.

It's so accurate. Okay, so that will be our cue, or you could just whatever you got, girl. Okay. And so I want you to allow yourself to drift into the breath. If you can, draw the breath in and see if you can expand your belly when you draw the breath in. And then as you exhale, the belly goes towards your spine. And we're just waking up that connection between your mind and your body. So you're going to keep tapping and you're going to keep breathing and you're going to notice that your mind is going to get distracted. It's going to wonder if someone ate all the chocolate. That's what my brain is thinking about. It's going to wonder what you're doing later today, what the person next to you is doing, what is that sound in your corner of your ears. Don't worry about it. Just acknowledge it. Say, thank you, but not now. And so what we're going to do is we're going to identify a thought that is holding you back about yourself, some sort of a thought About yourself that's holding you back, something that you want to explore and examine. And if you're doing this on your own, you can just notice that thought. You could write it down. And so as you notice that thought, Okay. I want you to notice what emotions come up as you think that negative thought about yourself. And as you notice that thought and those emotions that are coming up with that thought, notice where you feel that in your body. Sometimes it's hard to get into our body, and so any sort of discomfort— And so as you notice that thought about yourself that you want to work on, the emotions that come up when you think about that thought, the sensation in your body, I want you to notice going down the timeline. So imagine that you're getting on a timeline. Maybe it's a bus or maybe it's a stream of light, whatever that is for you. I want you to slide down the timeline to the earliest moment where you can remember feeling similar to this. I'm curious, Hadlee, if you feel comfortable with this earliest moment, if you would be willing to share that.

The one that comes to mind— well, the thought is that I am irrelevant. Mm-hmm. And the thing that comes to mind is running for student council. And I ran for student council probably 4 or 5 years in a row, never got voted to be whatever I was running for. So that's what— that's the That's the most salient thing that comes to mind for me.

Where do you feel that in your body?

I actually feel it in my arms. My arms feel really heavy. The top of my arms, kind of my elbows.

Yeah, the top of your arms, they feel heavy. And then the memory, when you think of that memory, what is the image? Like if we were to take a Polaroid What's the image?

Sitting in one of my classrooms. I'm just picturing someone else was giving a speech, and that's the image that I'm, I'm sitting listening to the speech.

Mm-hmm. And what's the emotion?

Disappointment.

Disappointment. Mm-hmm. So if you hold on to that feeling in your arms, that emotion, that disappointment, and that negative thought of I'm irrelevant, that picture of you sitting and somebody else is giving the speech, If you travel down the timeline, what's the earliest time that you could remember ever feeling that way?

Feeling disappointment? Mm-hmm. I'm thinking of— there was a time when I was in awe of the nature around me, and I was just like, wow, this is so beautiful. I was in the woods somewhere, and someone that was close to me at the time— I won't say who it was, was like, you're being weird. Stop being weird. Like, because I was so enthralled. And so that comes up for me.

Mm-hmm. How old is that part?

Probably— 8 or 9. Mm-hmm.

And what would you rather feel in that moment? Like, if you could step back in time and change the way that you felt, how would you want to feel?

Accepted for the, like, awe and wonderment that I was feeling in that moment. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Okay. So let's bring your now self down the timeline to that earliest self, and I want you to notice her and notice Notice that awe in her and notice that wisdom that you have now of how you wish that she would have felt then. And when you see her, what is your impulse?

To give her a hug.

Give her a hug. Okay. Let's do that. How does she respond to that?

She softens. So she was tensed up, and when I gave her a hug, she softened. Into my arms.

What is it she needs you to know?

That it's okay, that it's okay for me to. Be the weirdest version of myself, that it's okay for me to be weirdly in awe of things, that it's safe, that it's safe to be in awe.

That it's safe to be in awe.

That it's safe to be in joy. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. And so let's imagine that those feelings, that disappointment, those negative feelings that she was experiencing, let's imagine that those are— they're like rocks in a backpack. And she's been carrying that backpack for a long time. Mm-hmm. And so if she's open to it, would she set that backpack down and see what it would be like to experience that awe and that acceptance, acceptance of being the amazed, weird, funny, passionate, quirky girl? Would she be willing to set that down? Mm-hmm. Let's have her do that and then ask her to check her pockets because sometimes those messages sneak in little pockets. If she's heard that from somebody else or had other moments, just allow her to take those rocks out and set them down too. What does she notice?

She feels very free. She feels Like it's okay for her to be the quirky, quirky girl that she is. Mm-hmm. And literally like a weight is taken off of her shoulders.

Yeah. And tell her that But she's not alone, and she has you. I'm curious, ask her what year she thinks it is.

Hmm. I want to say 2011.

Yeah. Yeah. So now we're going to fill her with all of the goodness that you're bringing to her. So I want you to tell her about your life now. Tell her that it's 2024. Show her all of the wonderful things that she gets to look forward to. That she doesn't have to be alone anymore, and that she gets to be you, and you are celebrated for all of your quirks and your brilliance and your passion and all of those things that she gave you. Thank you. What are you noticing?

She's pretty excited about that.

Yeah. She's excited about it. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So she doesn't have to stay stuck in 2011 anymore. I'm curious if she would be open to sharing some of that excitement with that other part that was on the timeline.

The part that felt— what did I say?

Disappointed at student council and was sitting there. Yeah. Yeah. So do you want to go to that older part, or do you want to bring that older part back in the timeline to the little part?

I'll go to it.

Okay, so let's go. You're gonna take that timeline up and you're gonna go together because now we get to give her a new job description. She gets to help out still, but in different ways. And so let's go to that space with that other part, and when you see her, what is your impulse?

To stroke her hair.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

And then give her a hug as well.

Yeah, yeah. So let's do something similar with what you did with the little one, is give her that Affection. Stroke her hair, give her a hug. Tell her about what you guys have learned together. Mm-hmm. Tell her that it's 2024 and show her all of the amazing things that you've accomplished, who you are, and how people see you and love you for who you are. What's coming up?

She's crying. Mm-hmm. And relieved that it gets better. Mm-hmm. That she does have the kind of life that she's been dreaming about. The kind of people, the kind of community. Yeah, and she's just going in for another hug. Just wants to feel loved.

Is there anybody else that you feel like would be helpful to bring into

Any other parts of myself, or—

Yeah, and anybody in your life now, or a higher power, or a protector, or even someone else who's passed on. It could be anybody you want.

I'm gonna bring in my husband.

Let's bring in your husband. She is sure lucky she's gonna get him. Mm-hmm.

I'll bring in the other— the part of me also that was just devastated by all the boys.

Yes, yes.

And we'll bring her in and we'll bring Todd in. Mm-hmm.

And allow them to nourish each other. Fill each other up.

Yeah, there's definitely— it's like a group hug situation happening.

And if she has anything in her pockets or a backpack, let's add it to the stack because she doesn't have to carry that anymore either. And so maybe even ask her to scan her body because she was having some of those sensations like in her arms. Mm-hmm. And so anything that feels stressful or yucky, take a breath in and bring it to that area and breathe it out. And then when she feels like, in any of the other parts that are like, let's add to it. Where do— what do you guys want to do with that backpack?

Throw it off a cliff.

Throw that off a cliff. Yeah, let's get rid of that. So group hunting session. Mm-hmm. Okay. So imagine doing that.

We're like in the rain on the Cliffs of Moher in Ireland right now, like launching this thing off the cliff.

Epic. Which is rightful because she— both parts, all the parts have been carrying heavy stuff. And they are so worthy of an epic launch. So I want you to notice your body in this moment, and I want you to notice that message. The original word that you used was irrelevant. Hmm. When you think about that message, how disturbing is that for you? Let's say that 10 is the most disturbing and 0 is, I don't believe that, it doesn't bother me at all.

It feels like a 3 right now.

Where do you feel that 3?

In my back, upper back.

In your upper back? Mm-hmm. So let's notice that and let's bring all your parts and invite them to hold that space with you. And then ask that sensation in your back, What is it you need me to know?

It's coming up as you are enough and you

So the message of the high— your higher truth is enoughness and worthiness. Mm-hmm. What is the color you associate most with healing?

Gold.

Gold. Okay, so let's have your parts surround you, and then I want you to imagine that golden light is coming in through the top of your head. Top of your head, that feeling of enoughness. And I want to have you draw in with a breath down into your lower back and draw it to that area, infusing it with enoughness. And notice that as you draw that breath in, how that sensation in your lower back changes.

Yeah, it's almost like it goes down and dissipates.

Dissipates.

Dissolves.

Okay, so let's imagine at your feet there is a protective box. And in this box, we are going to place any stress from the body that needs to be dissolved. And if there's any particles that come out, we're going to put those in the protective box. And so what I want to have you do is scan your body. Start at your head. Allow that open stream of golden light to come in. And as you inhale, breathe that down in through your head, your Your chest, your gut, your back, your hips, your legs, and breathe it all out into the protective box. And ask all your parts to do that too. And as everybody exhales, breathe out any stress into the protective box. And then what is the word that you want to replace that with? Worthy. Worthy. So breathe in worthy and exhale. And breathe that into all your parts. Breathe in worthy. And exhale. And take the lid to your protective box. We're going to close it up tight, keeping everything safe inside, knowing that you can come back here and keep working at any time. But now's the time for you to rest. And to enjoy your day. And when you feel ready, you can come back to this place, back to this room with your soul sister tribe, knowing that you are honored and loved. And thank you for holding that space, my friend.

Thank you. That was beautiful.

Mm-hmm. So I'm curious, In just the last couple of minutes that we have together, 'cause I would like to finish this up in like 5 minutes, and then we'll, we'll move on. I'm curious what that experience was like for you, and then I could tell you a little bit about the rhyme and reason so that we can reproduce it.

Yeah, I think that's good.

Yeah, but how was that overall for you?

It was good. Um, Yeah, these little parts of me. It was interesting to have things shift throughout my body. The heaviness, which was transmuted into the tightness in my back and launching things off the cliff. That, that was interesting. The visual for that was very, like, strong in my mind. Yeah, it's like, it's like we're, like, sneaking out at night in the rain and, like, let's just, let's get rid of it. Like, yeah, yeah. Um, yeah, and, and I guess actually there was a part of me that was like, oh, I should be going back further. I should be going younger than what I was going, but that was what came to mind. So I'm like, just trust it, you're not doing it wrong. Mm-hmm. 'Cause I think that's a big thing for me. I don't know if anyone else is the same, but where you're like, I'm doing it wrong, I'm not gonna get the benefit out of it 'cause I'm doing it wrong. Or like, there's this magic thing that if you do it all perfectly, quote unquote, right, then it's gonna, it's gonna unlock something or whatever, when really whatever you need in the moment is whatever comes to mind in the moment. Like, we can trust that.

Yeah, I really admire that openness to noticing that meta-process. And that's what I wonder, if that's another part. Yeah, totally. That you have these parts that are like, okay, I'm having these thoughts, these emotions, emotions and these sensations, and then you have this other part that's like, oh wait.

It's like judging the part, right? Yeah, yeah, what comes to mind.

Because they are all doing their separate roles to support and serve you, and so you notice that. And so what might be good is like after we finish today is if you like write out like who you met today, the parts that you encountered.

Yeah.

And like going in and And doing Meeting Place and just like talking to them. What are your thoughts? What are your experiences? What are you doing for me? What year do you think it is? Did you know it's 2024?

Yeah, I like that. The year one was interesting because I was like, oh, I'm imagining this as this really young part of me, but then it was like 2011, which wasn't that young. I mean, so yeah, that was that was interesting. But yeah, I definitely am— I noticed throughout, it's like, oh, this part of me, like this other part of me comes up that is like, you're doing it wrong, or you should do it differently, or are people going to resonate with this? Or, you know, like all the things that come up. And I do— and this happens to me not just when I'm presenting, like actually talking to an audience, It's still— those thoughts come up during these kinds of practices for me. And I think it's really normal. And I think that's a whole part of it. And if we can actually identify that afterwards with journaling or whatever, then it's even more healing.

Yeah. If I had more time with you, I would have loved to hear about her and to learn from her and like work collaborative— collaboratively with her. Totally. Because she has a lot of skills and assets that she brings to the table. So she's got this like meta-awareness, she's analytical, she's perfectionist, she's looking for like, where can I put in redundancies in case that, that, that, and that isn't working? Yeah, so she's, she's a real important part. And so I love that she came into the conversation, and even though she was creating self-doubt, that she's actually just like, hey, I'm here, using her words.

Totally.

And then we do job reassignments. So the reason that I want to explain just in the couple minutes we have is the reason that we started with the body is because I think of it as like going into rooms of the house and turning the lights on in the different rooms, right? So we're turning on the light in the body, so we notice the arms. We're turning on the light in And the thoughts, which is where a lot of people just get stuck, is in the thoughts. So yeah, we notice thoughts. And then the emotions, we're turning the light on in the room with the emotions. And so you could go on and on and on and like figure out all these associative networks and turn on all the parts of your brain while we're doing the tapping. So we're doing the dual awareness processing. So all of those room lights, when they get turned on, now we're connecting them maybe with hallway lights, right? So like everybody knows everybody's happening, right? And then we go down the timeline and we figure out like, oh, these lights have been on before. Someone installed these bulbs and it was like high school. Mm-hmm. But then we go even deeper. And sometimes you'll find that if you can get to the earlier memories, it's like a Jenga tower. It's like going to the bottom of the Jenga tower and taking that piece out first. So that's why I started doing the timeline exercise with the little one. Before doing it with the older one, because usually our younger ego states, our younger parts, it's like kids. Like, if the toddler falls and they scratch their knee, most of the time they're like, okay, after I have my feelings, I'm like fine. They brush it off. Our older parts, at least from my experience, can be a little bit more touch-and-go, like, mm, you're gonna have to prove it to me. Mm-hmm. So it's why they're trying to—

they're trying to be independent. They're like developing their ego, like,

yeah,

they're a little trickier.

Yeah, they're a little trickier. And she was actually really pretty open-minded. That's like your nature, I feel like. But that's why it's good to like go down the timeline. So when's a more recent activator? Who adapted? Because this didn't come out of nowhere. So that's like, I think of it like, you know, we're going down hallways. Okay, I have a teenager. There could be 20 of them. We, for time's sake, didn't explore all 20 of them, but we picked one, and then we went down and we picked a little one, and there's probably other ones like you said. That's okay, 'cause this one released. This one's like, okay, herd mentality, I'm cool, I'll release too. We're gonna go to the Cliffs of Moher, pewp.

Yeah, totally. I'm curious, how do you feel about doing this process with journaling it out? 'Cause I know some people like visualization. I don't know about you guys, but sometimes visualization doesn't like work that well for everyone. Yeah. How do you feel about journaling?

I think that's brilliant.

Okay, cool.

And I do sand tray. And so sand tray is like a whole other super fun way to do this. It's like a form of play therapy. Sand tray was created by Ana Gomez. And so she does EMDR and she has a tray of sand and then she's like bookshelves of figurines and toys. And so if you're having a hard time imagining your younger self, you should be like, okay, well, go and pick out the part that— the toy that represents that part. Mm-hmm. Okay, so this one's a little unicorn. All right, put it in the sand tray. Okay, now I'm feeling anger. All right, find anger on the shelf, and you put it in the sand tray. So it's a place where you can project and interact and move things around. So you could do it with writing, you could do it with dance, you could do it with breathwork. So like, this move could be like I'm feeling sassy. And this move could be I'm feeling insecure. So if like you're having a hard time even getting it in your logical brain, then getting into the body can be such a good way to do that. So I love that question.

Yeah, that's my favorite. I love doing that.

Do you want to open up for questions while we finish up?

Yeah, let's do it.

Thoughts, questions? How was that for you?

Yeah.

That was great. What's—

That was beautiful, just beautiful to witness all of that and seeing even your stance and posture change from one to the other. It was really cool. I also liked how you would self-soothe as well by just rocking side to side. It was just a beautiful thing to witness.

Yeah. Thank you. Do you do bodywork? 'Cause I feel like you're so in tune with what was happening with the body. She does, she does, she does. Yes, girl, like, that's amazing. I love that. That's like a gift for you because you're like really noticing that like nuance in what she's experiencing. That's so brilliant, my love.

I'm honored that you like got that from me.

Yeah, I feel that. That's so great. Oh my gosh, what else? Questions? Things that stuck out?

When you do go through a session with somebody, You mentioned time, if you have more time, what would be like a timeframe for when you do a full session?

Oh girl, we could do intensives, we could do days, but I feel like for you as a self-healer, you could do this in 3 minutes. So you're like, you're, you're out to dinner, you're doing some networking, or you have a big event You're at an event and you're like, oh, I feel this like weird funny sensation. You go to the bathroom, you put yourself in the stall, and you're like, okay, I have a thought, a feeling, a sensation. I acknowledge and notice it. All right, who is that? How old are you? Where are you? Okay, love, I see you. I acknowledge you. I've got your back. And you talk to that part. You tell them it's 2024. We're okay. And then you go back, right? So you could do it in 3 minutes. 3-minute hack. You do it straight up, talk to that part, find out, timestamp it. Timestamping is where you tell them it's 2024 or whatever year it is. I feel like half the time I say that it's 2023. I don't know what year it is. Or you could spend hours. And so like, if I'm doing a session, then I would probably want her for an hour. I'd do like 60 minutes and I would be, you You know, my book, I'd be like writing everything and asking her questions and getting in, because the more room, the more lights we can turn on in the rooms, the more of an integrative experience it is, the better she knows herself, so that when she's like walking outside one day and she has a goofy feeling, she can know, oh, that's my 11-year-old. What is it? What do you need? How can I soothe you, my friend?

Yeah. And I've even done things that are 2 hours. You, you can, you can take it as long or as short as you, as you want, for sure.

Yeah,

I love that. Yeah, I love the 3-minute, because sometimes we're in a situation and we just need to— it's nice to have that conversation to figure out what part of you is that. Never thought about doing that before. I love that.

And I highly recommend, especially if it's a shorter thing, putting a hand on your body in that moment so that you can really be like, oh, it is 2024, we're right here. We're here. I'm, you know, we're not in 2016 or 2011 or whatever it was. Or 2003 or 1995 or whatever.

You remember that? That far back?

I was born in 1995. So no, I don't. I don't remember that.

I'm so old. A couple minutes. Any last questions or thoughts?

I have one. What would you do if you're like doing the— doing it and then you like something new comes up? Like, like, do you then go back again and add that also to it, or do you like save it for another time?

So let's say that you're like, okay, I'm gonna do some like self-love work, I'm gonna do some inner work. Okay, I have this Okay, I noticed my thought, the feeling, the sensation. I'm doing this. I follow it back. Okay, I found this part. I follow it back. I found this part, but oh, somebody over here is like yelling real loud and I feel like I can't ignore her. So they may have been part— so it's sort of like, like you smell the cigarette smoke, you remember grandpa, but then there's other things that I imagine come up for you. So those are called associative memories. Okay. And so then you have the power in that moment to look at all those parts and be like, okay, what do you guys want to do? Should we focus here? Do you need to be heard? Or should we stay where we are and work on this part first, but know we'll come back to you? And so when you're doing your, your healing inner work is you get to choose and then write it down. If you're working with a client, you can ask that client and be like, okay, It sounds like you're really noticing, like, you're getting a pain in your head and it doesn't feel like the same part. It feels different. Do you wanna focus on that or do we wanna put that in a protective box right now and come back? The world is your oyster, my friend. Yeah.

Yeah, I think I like how you said journaling it out 'cause sometimes I'll get like, wait, what part was I working with? Like, writing it down can be really helpful to come back to it. But like, you know, when I was doing it, I was like, oh, and then all of these like boys that I felt devastated by. We didn't go back and like address that really, but if we had more time, we could have really like gone into that. But in that, we just kind of like, we were like, okay, add them to the group. Let's like, let's make this a thing. Let's throw all the rocks together. But we could have gone back deeper and done that too, yeah.

And sometimes it's as easy as like a sweep like that. Yeah.

And you're like— It did feel that way, totally.

Yeah, so you might find like, oh yeah, just jump in, friend. Yeah, that's a good question. Yeah, it's nuanced. Thank you for being here. I'm so very honored and grateful. I, I'm so humbled. This was awesome.