Why You Should Quiet Quit Your New Year’s Resolutions | Ep. 82

You mentioned New Year's and that you actually have— you're like an anti-resolutioner.

Yes, that's me. I— okay, and that's not to say that I don't love the new year and like setting intentions and getting excited about all of the possibilities for the new year. Like, I love that shit. That's like my favorite, and I think it's really exciting. And I think that the new year The New Year's resolutions can cultivate and perpetuate a pattern of all or nothing, of like, okay, well, you know, after— so this— so my pattern was after Thanksgiving, nothing really went back to normal, like my habits different, you know, my relationship with food, whatever. Nothing went back to normal, quote unquote. Until the new year. It was like, oh, well, I'll just start everything over the new year. And that's like 6 weeks. That's a long time to like not feel good in your body because you're like, well, I'm just going to start in the new year. And, or I even, I even caught myself doing this recently with my business. It was like, oh, well, you know, I'll set my goals for the new year. I'll just, you know, this, this year like that, it's kind of done. And, you know, we still have a whole month, a little bit more than a month left. So yeah, that's how I feel about the New Year's resolutions.

Let's talk about New Year's resolutions then.

Let's do it. Awesome.

So you guys just walked into a conversation with Hadlee and I, and we're just thinking about how it's November right now, and we're recording this podcast, and we're trying to figure out— of all the many things we want to share with you, New Year's resolutions are on our mind. And so let's continue the conversation. So Hadlee is proposing what? No New Year's resolutions?

Yeah, well, so I haven't found a great way of, of thinking, like a great term for it, but you're the queen of titles, so maybe you can think of a better word for it, or a better phrase. But you know, maybe it's like New Year's intentions. I really— I'm a huge fan of getting super clear on your vision and values. So maybe it's New Year's vision. And yeah, like getting really clear on your values and actually living out your values is like my jam. That's my favorite thing. being really intentional about that. And so around this time, I like to get really clear around, okay, you know, taking stock. What have I done this past year? You know, what do I maybe want to do better in the next year? What, what, where did I not live up to my values? And doing it from a place of curiosity rather than judgment, because I used to be— I used to not even look at that because it was like too painful. It was like, I need to be perfect. And so if I'm not perfect in any way, then I'm not, you know, worthy as a human. So now it's more like a curiosity lens. It's instead of perfectionism, it's like, oh, like, I'm not perfect and I did this thing, and so I'm gonna, you know, do this thing differently in the future, that kind of thing. Um, and so maybe it's New Year's vision. How does that sound?

New Year's vision.

Yeah, vision for 2023.

And so as we're looking forward into to our vision for 2023, I would like to propose that we look backwards at where the heck this came from. Like, why do we do this?

Oh yeah, good idea.

Resolutions come from— and I have some history from history.com, and so I would love to share a few places where this may have originated.

Yes.

So first of all, Apparently the ancient Babylonians were the first people to make New Year's resolutions, and they're estimating some 4,000 years ago. And the goal was to compel the gods into favor by their holding strong to a promise that they made. And so these promises were considered the forerunners of New Year's resolutions. So the Babylonians, They're going through these festivals, they're celebrating, they're looking at the years ahead, and they're like, I make this promise, the gods are watching. It's a very pagan festival, they're watching them, and if the Babylonians follow through, good crops, good success, good reproduction, and that's, that's the favors. The Babylonians did that, and so I feel like that makes a lot of sense. Like, you know, we talk now modernly about karma, right? It's like, if I do something, it will come. Yeah.

Right. Totally. Well, so something that comes to mind for me when you talk about, you know, setting intentions or making promises, I actually, I really like that because a lot of times we make promises to ourselves or we tell ourselves that we're going to do something and then we don't follow through, right? That's like the whole thing is, is that's like the reason that I have a job is because we don't follow through on our promises that we make to ourselves. And my job is all about actually helping people change their behaviors and their habits and, and all of the things that they want to be doing. And so, and that's like my, my passion. I love that. The reason— so one of the reasons that we don't follow through is because we've had a pattern of telling ourselves that we are not— that we are going to do something or not going to do something, and then we do the opposite. And so we go against our word, we break promises to ourselves. So then we build up this, this belief that we can't trust ourselves, right? So this is a common belief that I have with my clients a lot, with their, like, relationship with food. that they, they're like, well, it's never actually worked for me before, like a diet or whatever. It has never worked for me before. So how can I trust myself to actually do this thing in the future? And that's fair enough, right? If we, if we have built— if we have not built any trust in ourselves, then how can we expect to change? Because if someone If we had a friend or say like a spouse who constantly promised us something and then never actually did it, or, you know, or never kept doing the thing that they promised that they wouldn't do, then that would sort of be like manipulation, potentially an abusive partnership, right? And we would hopefully get out of that relationship. And or change it or whatever. But so this is ourselves. This is like sort of like abusing ourselves, continuously promising ourselves that we're going to do something for ourselves and then not following through on that promise. And so how we actually— how we actually fix that, how we actually like start to build that trust is that we can start with really small promises for ourselves that we actually will follow through and stop making big promises to ourselves that we know we're not going to be able to follow through on. So this is another reason that I don't love New Year's resolutions often, because we often like promise ourselves that we're going to like overhaul our entire lives and then we fall off of it. It's— I think it's by like February 15th, 70% of New Year's resolutions have already fallen off. So That's, you know, that's a really short amount of time if you're thinking about the entire year. So what we do is we start really small. I promise myself, or I'm going to tell myself that I'm going to do this thing tomorrow. And then we build from there and it's like really small. We make it like, okay, if we say we want to meditate every day, okay, I'm going to meditate every day for 30 seconds. If, you know, if we've never meditated before or whatever, I'm gonna meditate every day for 30 seconds. And that makes it actually doable. It makes it something that we can actually follow through on. And then we start to build that trust in ourselves. And that's how we build habit change as well.

I really like that. And, you know, I think that creating that trust in ourselves and our present selves is a foundational part of being able to do the past work where you're engaging with your past selves, where you're engaging with your past parts, and you have to trust yourself in order to feel safe to do that work. And so this is a way to build that trust. Yeah. And instead of creating just yet another year where you're breaking these promises to yourself by, you know, making these huge lofty goals and not having either the resources or the bandwidth or the will to follow through with them, but rather making smaller achievable promises so that when you go in and you're doing that trauma work, when you're doing the EMDR and the ego state work and all of that hard digging and unpacking for healing, that you can say like, I, I can trust myself. Look at how I did this. Look at how I followed through when I did this. Look at how I had my own back when I did that. I think what you're saying is really, it goes far beyond just the conversation of like, can I follow through on a commitment? But rather, it's like, what am I saying to my own psychology about the reality of my trustworthiness for myself?

Yes, exactly. Yes. Um, can you hear that blower in the background?

It's my—

that is a bummer. No, it's my— there's a, there's a blower outside. Like, like there's someone blowing leaves. Oh my gosh. So you hear your heater, I hear my blower. Okay, well, we can both not hear the other one, so that's fine. Thanks, Zoom. Zoom kind of cuts out some background noise anyway. Um, I— yes, I agree. I think it's, it's super important to build that trust, especially when we're doing the deep work, we're doing the healing, the healing work, and The other, the other piece of doing the healing work— a lot of times we think that we need to heal before we like set goals, or like before we, um, can actually live the life that we want to live or whatever. Like we have to fix ourselves. That's another piece of the New Year's resolution that I actually don't really like. So there's these 3 pieces. One is that it perpetuates the all or nothing. The other one is that it makes it so that we, we make promises to ourselves that we don't keep. And so it breaks trust in ourselves. And then the third piece is that it makes us feel like there's something that is wrong with us that we actually need to fix. And I don't actually think that there's anything wrong with anyone. There are things that we can do to heal past traumas and to heal things that will make our lives like easier and more easeful and more fun and more joyful. But we don't actually have anything wrong with us. And I think that's a lot of times a big reframe for people. It's like, oh, oh, I can, I can have a hard time with something, but that doesn't mean that I— that there's something wrong with me. And so a lot of times we're making resolutions based on being tired of being a certain way, being like tired of the person that we were. And we make resolutions like, okay, I'm going to give up this past, this past version of me or this person that I, that I was or that I am currently that I just don't like. And I think that there's something missing there. I'm all about growth. I'm all about like going to the next level on this stuff. And also, it's not really about like shedding the person that you used to be or this person that you're sick of being. Rather, I think it's more like integrating that person and then just stepping, stepping into your values and stepping closer to kind of like the truth of who you are. And, and integrating these past parts of yourselves, not just like, not like getting rid of them, not, not right, like that spiritual bypassing is, is like pushing things aside that we don't want to, that we don't want or that we don't want to deal with. But rather, instead of that, like embracing our shadows, embracing all these things, And setting some goals and setting some things, because that's fun and that's exciting. And it doesn't have to be because we're going to be more worthy if we do these things in the future.

I want to springboard off of the word worthy. Yeah. And so another practice actually occurred in ancient Rome, according to this history article. So we started with, and then this sort of spiritual worthiness actually is really deeply originated in the Emperor Julius Caesar's wanting to do New Year's resolutions. This is really interesting. So there's this very religious approach to it. And so this is around the year 46 BC, and there was a two-faced god named Janus. And this god named Janus its spirit inhabited doorways and arches. And they said that January was very significant for the Romans because they believed that Janus symbolically looked backwards into the previous year in the doorway, looked ahead into the future. And so the Romans are seeing this god in the doorway, this like crossing from the past to the present to the future. And that they had to be worthy of good things coming in the future. And so what they did is they offered sacrifices to the deity Janus and they made promises for good conduct. So they had to behave well. They had to be worthy of that god giving them favor. So it's like this language that you're using is really rooted in very ancient traditions, you know, 46 Julius Caesar's language that you're using is still impacting us today, which I think is just absolutely fascinating.

Wow, that's so interesting. Yeah, I feel like there's a lot of— I mean, religion has been used to try to make people feel small in the past, in any religion. I was actually just having a conversation last night about how spirituality and religion— I'm all about, you know, like, I'm a big fan of spirituality. And, and I think religion can be really beautiful as well. And it can also be used to make us feel unworthy so that we do things that we don't want to do for someone else.

Right?

Yeah. And so I I think that this idea that we're supposed to do anything, really, that doesn't make us excited about life— I don't know. I think growing up in the Midwest, the value of hard work and just working hard for the sake of working hard, it was literally a value was— Hard work. It was like you were supposed to work hard, and it didn't really matter if it was for something that you cared about or whatever. It was just like if you worked hard, you were a better person, right? Do you resonate with that at all?

3, of course. Yeah, right, right. Achievements. Yes,

yes,

it's very much that worker mentality, and you You know, Paul the Apostle from the New Testament says that there's— that faith is nothing if there are no acts. And he— Right. Wrote the Book of Acts. And so I feel like the tradition that I grew up in was very much focused on acts. And so your heart may be in the right place, but if you're not doing the work and showing people and acting out your good thoughts, good deeds, good faith, Then, then it's not considered worthy. And so you have to work harder. And we can be very public, at least the culture that I came from, we're very public about our New Year's resolutions. We're posting them online and we're talking to people about them. We're all joining public gyms or whatever that circumstance was, is a very public thing as opposed to like a very internal, private, like excited spiritual growth or whatever that, you know, I think we're arguing towards today in our conversation.

Yeah, absolutely. I think, I think there is something to that with like acts with, you know, we can have so, so it kind of comes back to the truth, the, the, or the trust thing. It's like, if we like, if we are doing the internal work, but we're not actually acting out, but acting it out in our lives, then what's, what's the point? Then we don't build that trust, right? So we're like, you know, I have, I have good intentions, and then not acting it out. I think that, I think there is something to that, that can be really, that can be really helpful. And having it, having it from a lens of I am already worthy, I'm already worthy of love, I'm already worthy, I'm already enough the way I am. Because then it's also— then it's like everything else is, is just like icing on top of the cake. It's just fun. It's just like life can— life can actually be fun. Life, life, life can be hard too. And we can— we can be with the hard stuff, right? And it doesn't always have to be so serious. It doesn't always have to be so I'm going to try, right? I'm going to try harder, harder, harder. And we can take the word that I like to use, or the phrase that I like to use is aligned action. So I actually, I think that hard work is great in that I feel really good when I work hard towards something or doing something that I am like lit up by, that I'm really excited about, right? Like, I love working hard. if it's something that I'm excited about. And, and that brings me more fulfillment. And that's the case that I've found for like all of my clients too, right? Like, I think there's part of— there's like this subculture right now where it's like, oh, don't work hard. Like, that's— we're against that now. And, you know, it's sort of the pendulum swinging the other way, right? Like, as, as it does with different generations and different— times in history and whatever, it's like, oh, well, we're doing this, so now we have to swing the other direction. And so now we're like, oh, like, don't work hard. And I don't think that— I think that that makes it so that we don't feel that fulfilled if we're just like coasting, right? This like idea of, um, you know, the quiet quitting thing, which I don't necessarily think is a bad thing because, yeah, you go, you do your work, and you're done. I think that's fine and that's great. Um, But I think that working hard can also be really, really rewarding and fun and awesome if it's the thing that we actually want to be doing. And so that's where the New Year's resolutions can come in, or the New Year's intentions, the New Year's visions, where we can identify what do I want to be working hard toward? Like, and maybe we identify, okay, I actually don't want to be working hard toward this thing, or I don't want to be doing these specific activities. in, in service to the thing that I'm working toward, or whatever, and then we can maybe delegate those. And what do I get really lit up by? What do I really want to work hard at? Does that make sense?

Some examples, and I actually have pulled up a few here, and I'm kind of curious about what I'm hearing you say is that we can pivot shift from this like unworthiness-based, this shame-based, this not enough-based, this big promise unachievable or unrealistic or life-stealing-based New Year's resolution and either just quite quitting the whole thing together and dwelling in the joy of being enough, of being worthy.

Yeah.

Or making New Year's resolutions that are fun, funny, that you're excited about. And so I'd love some examples. And so I have pulled up a few to see how they land with you. And so maybe we could volley back and forth. And I'm kind of cheating because I have a list, but maybe if you could give me like one example of how you did this, and then I'm gonna, I'm gonna see what the internet has to say.

Oh yeah. Okay. So let's see. Um, So with— let's, let's start with like with goals from my health. Um, oh, oh, I have a really good one. Uh, I would always like set resolutions that I was gonna like run, that I was gonna work out, and that, that working out was gonna be running. Guys, I don't run anymore, ever.

Yeah, yeah.

No, I do, I do run sometimes, uh, short distances. Um, I just, I've, I've always tried, I, I always tried to force myself to be a runner. I hated it so, so, so much. And so setting a New Year's resolution to, to run was like a pun— like, it felt like a forcing, a punishing. It felt You know, it was because I didn't want to be the person that I was anymore. I didn't like myself. And so I needed to become this person who ran all the time because I was— because I didn't like myself. So by shifting that to, no, I, I can just move in other ways. And I like— I am very like I love movement. I am, you know, all about like— I work out in some form or capacity every day. It might be like just stretching one day, but in some form I move my body every single day. Um, and I don't run. So that's my— that's like a great example.

So that could sort of be summarized up with stop lying to yourself about following your New Year's resolutions.

Yes, yes. And make it so that it's something that you actually want to do. Like, don't force yourself to do something that you don't want to do because you're— you don't feel like you're worthy, and you feel like if you do this other thing, it's going to make you more worthy. Like, stop doing that to yourself.

And here's an alternative from the— from the Google, and Cultivate the confidence of Kanye West without the tone deafness of Kanye West.

So

you're like, instead of coming from this place of insecurity, I'm gonna just make the New Year's resolution to cultivate the confidence of Kanye, but I'm not gonna be deaf.

Yes, it's, it's coming from setting goals from a place of inherent worthiness inherent. The other thing that I'll say about this is that I didn't used to think that I didn't think I was worthy, if that makes sense. So like when people would talk about this of like, you are enough, like that, that affirmation did not resonate with me at all because I was like, yeah, of course I'm enough. Like, I, I'm enough. I get— yes, that makes sense to me. But when we, when we start to realize that, oh, we're making these goals of doing things that we don't actually want to do, why are we doing that? Like, is it because we actually don't feel like we are enough, we are worthy in ourselves? And when we can kind of get past the ego of being like, yeah, I know I'm worthy, like, that's dumb and whatever. Like, it's, it's too touchy-feely for me to say like, I'm enough or whatever. And then we can start to realize that, yeah, we're actually making these goals, we're making these things from a place of lack. Rather than a place of, oh, I get to, I get to do this, this next thing in my life.

I get to do this next thing in my life, like something fun. Like I'm going to add something fun. And for me, that wouldn't be running a marathon like that. No, like work. That sounds exhausting. Like, wow, it would be amazing to have a medal and I could like brag about it. But if I literally, if I knew that I ran a marathon, nobody would ever see me, and then I got shipped to a desert island where I could never tell anybody about it again, I didn't know that this happened, would I have wanted to run that marathon? Or is there something else I would have wanted to do with my last minutes in society?

Right. Yes. And some people, for some people, like running a marathon is, is like a goal that they are just psyched about. Like I have friends, I have a friend who just did an Ironman, and like, he's just like psyched about it. Like, and he doesn't really talk about it. He doesn't really tell people that he's done it, but he's— he loves like challenging his body in that way. And I just don't. I like challenging my body in other ways. I like to lift weights. I like to— to, uh, I love burpees. Like, I'm, you know, weird in other ways. Um, but yeah, the marathon thing, that doesn't— that doesn't light me up. And so So why would I force myself?

Yeah,

to do it.

You know what lights me up?

What

is this? This, this goal, it says live my best life and only buy pants with no buttons or zippers.

I feel

like I could get down with that.

I love that.

That would improve 2023 for me.

Yes, I actually decided that I'm never, uh, buying clothes again that aren't like perfectly comfortable. And or keeping any clothes that are not like super comfortable, and also that I want to be seen in.

Yeah.

So that means I get— I don't have a lot of clothes because I've gotten rid of a lot of clothes. And I didn't really have that many to begin with because we travel so much. But yeah, I'm all about that. Like just Just having, having the things in our lives that light us up and leaving space for other stuff is also really helpful. So that might be a good New Year's resolution too, is, is to downgrade on the things that aren't actually lighting you up, right? The things that aren't sparking joy, as Marie Kondo would say. Yeah.

So a lot of people listening to this podcast have either made a New Year's resolution or you're thinking about making a New Year's resolution. And the research shows that 45% of y'all make New Year's resolutions. But if you had to guess what percentage actually followed through after, let's say this is only blank percent are successful in achieving their goals. And so Hadley, you gave a statistic about February. This doesn't specify that, but we just look at like the whole year. Like, did you achieve your goal or not? Did you run the marathon? Did you buy pants with no buttons or zippers? Did you achieve that goal? What percentage were successful if you had to guess?

Oh gosh.

It's not good. I'll give you that hint.

I'm gonna say like, oh, 13. Lower, 7.

8. You're so close.

8%. Oh my gosh.

8% of us are successful in achieving our goals. And I think that that like really warrants a circle back into why are we doing New Year's resolutions and what are we selecting? Because if it's something that gives life, if we're excited about it, then I imagine that that number would be just a little bit better. Because humans are so hedonic-driven anyway.

Right.

And so, I also want to emphasize, you had some reasons, Hadlee, why to not make a New Year's resolution. But then I want to talk about— we'll just finish up with like actual good New Year's resolutions that you can get behind. But you'd said you don't like New Year's resolutions. One is because it can perpetuate an all-or-nothing thinking.

Yep.

And number 2 is that you start making promises that you can't keep to yourself. And then we explored, well, what are the implications of that if you're doing trauma work and you only have yourself to rely on? And so that's important. And then also it perpetuates the idea that something's wrong with us.

Yeah.

And you were talking about like the I'm not worthy, I'm not enough. Like, I— it's like the Babylonians are trying to do, and what, you know, Julius Caesar, that they were trying to do. And, you know, clergyman John Wesley, who founded Methodism, he talked about this too. It's like we're trying to earn worthiness. We're trying to earn favor, whether through acts or intentions. And yet it isn't a black and white conversation, that there is a place and there is a way to do New Year's resolutions that can be life-giving. And one thing that you were bringing to mind as you were saying that is, it's making a promise that I can't keep. And so instead of like a hack for making a New Year's resolution, if that's something you want to do, is instead of saying like, I'm gonna run a marathon, is maybe I'm gonna sign up to run a marathon, not run. Or you could say like, I'm going to stock up on fresh veggies and eat them before they turn into a biohazard. to the fridge. Something that's like shorter and achievable. And then maybe if you enjoy that success, then you can make another goal. Like, why does it have to be January 1st? Or, you know, buy all the leftover 2021 calendars and burn them. Like, you know, you could do that in one sitting. Go outside and breathe fresh air. That's my New Year's resolution. I have— somebody wrote on here is to share your midnight champagne with somebody. That's their New Year's resolution. So I was wondering about if you had some hacks kind of in addition to what I've just summarized that you were already saying about making a New Year's resolution that's life-giving.

Yes, I do. I have so many hacks. So the first one is to— when you're thinking about what you want your New Year's resolution to be, And, you know, maybe your New Year's resolution is to— I like to, I like to create like identity statements of like, I am becoming the kind of person who blank. So I'm becoming the kind of person who meditates every day, or I'm becoming, I'm becoming a runner. Maybe if you actually do like running. Because there's nothing wrong with running either. It's just not my preference. I'm becoming a, you know, I'm becoming the kind of person who eats vegetables every day. I'm becoming the kind of person who is confident when she speaks. I am becoming the kind of person— I'm becoming a business owner. Maybe you want to start a business. I'm becoming— Whatever you want to become. I like that way of thinking about it. And, and by saying I'm becoming this, instead of saying— because there's like, there's like a trend right now to say affirmations as like you already are the affirmation. But sometimes that just doesn't like feel true in ourselves. So like when we say like, I am a runner, it's like, yeah, but like, I am not actually. So that actually, that actually also degrades trust when we tell ourselves things that aren't true about ourselves, uh, and we don't want to degrade trust with ourselves. So I'm becoming this new person, or I'm taking steps to becoming this new person, or whatever. That can be helpful. So that's number one. Number 2 is, do you actually want that thing? And what I want you to do instead of like thinking about it and just like thinking about it over and over in your mind, maybe like asking advice from other people— should I do this? Should I not do this? I want you to actually tap into your body. And when you think of yourself doing this thing every day or becoming the kind of person who does the thing every day, because maybe it doesn't sound great to work out every day or whatever, but if you think about the person that you are working out every day, becoming that person, what does it make you feel like inside your body? Like, what sounds good? Does that— does it sound like— does your body get like open and expansive and like your chest opens up? Maybe your face like lights up a little bit. Maybe your eyebrows raise a little bit. Maybe you get a little bit of a smile on your face. Maybe— Maybe your ears perk up a little bit like a dog. Maybe you're— maybe there's just like more of an opening. Or is there more of a contracting of like, oh my God, I have to run every day for the next year? Like, oh, and maybe that's not you, but whatever your thing is that you've been trying to force yourself to do, I have to do that for the next year. Like, like, is there like a contraction? Is there like a— your shoulders slump forward? forward, or your, your eyes get more downcast, your forehead, maybe your, your head bends forward, all of these things that are more like contracting and like sort of hiding. Pay attention to that, because that's your intuition. That's like what your, your body will tell you what it actually wants. So if you, if you're like, I don't know what my intuition says, like your body can kind of tell you what you want and what you don't want. And so if you think about becoming that person, does it light you up? Does it open you? Does it open up your shoulders? Does it open up your, your body? Um, so that's number 2. So number 1 is making a statement of becoming, and number 2 is realizing, do I even want this thing? Do I even actually want it? And do I want to put in the effort of doing it? So maybe you're, maybe you're like, yeah, it would be nice. To be a person, to be a runner. But like, do I actually want to put in what it's going to take to be a runner? Like, yes or no? You don't have to do that. So yeah, so that's what I will say for number 2. And then before I go on to number 3, I want to, I want to ask you actually, Dr. Kane, What, what do you feel like you want to do in this next year, or be, or, you know, what is your intention, your vision for 2023? Just one example, maybe.

I actually really vibed with the Kanye West one.

Okay, so confidence.

Yeah, I want to cultivate the confidence of Kanye, but I also don't want to be confident With the you know this those things you know they put the blinders the blinders like I don't want confidence with blinders. I want to have confidence with peripheral vision metaphorically and literally speaking, and so I feel like that's life giving, and I think that it also creates enough empathy and space for myself to like I'm going to cultivate confidence by resting and watching Netflix. Netflix today because that's how my mind and body decompress. And so long as I feel like it's mindful and as opposed to like mindless, I think that that's something that I really vibe with.

Yes. Okay, so, so confidence paired with compassion and, uh, empathy, essentially.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am becoming the kind of person who who is confident, empathetic. And do I actually want to put in the effort for being a person who is confident and empathetic? Yes, obviously. Do I actually want to be a person who's confident and empathetic? So I feel like I'm checking all of those boxes with that.

Yeah.

I feel like when I think about that in my body, like if I stop and just notice, like I am becoming that person and then feeling like, do I want this? And I tap into my body. I do feel like a sense of lightness. I feel a sense of joy, a sense of anticipation, and then also possibility because Nicole in 6 months is very likely different than the Nicole of 6 months past. So if I'm standing in that, that January doorway that, that the historians were writing about, I want to be able Fluidity to evolve with where I go in life.

Yes, yes, so good. I love that. Yeah, so then number 3 is we identify what specific steps we are going to take to actually get there, and we're going to break it down into something that is actually doable so that we can build trust with ourselves. So we're not like, we're not like saying, oh, I want to do this, I want to be this, and then leaving it there, and then not actually becoming that new version of yourself in 6 months that you were— or sorry, that new version of yourself that, that you have been wanting to become. And then you, you know, you degrade trust in yourself over and over and over again, and you don't feel that safety within yourself. And with what you tell yourself you're going to do. So how do we break it down really, really small and put one foot in front of the other like our friends from Santa Claus Is Coming to Town do? For those of you who did not hear that episode, that is a, that is a reference to a Christmas movie about—

We were unhinged that

day. I'm excited to watch that. I'm gonna send you a clip of it whenever I watch it. This, this Christmas season.

To get the inside scoop, it's like, this is like the joke, the recurring theme throughout this podcast. So if you don't know the inside scoop, it means you got to go and listen to them all because—

Yes.

I think this has come up a couple times and we just like cackle and sing. I know.

This time of year. Yeah, right. I think it came up for the first time in the summer, so. But yeah, the song is Put One Foot in Front of the Other. So if you don't know what we're talking about, go YouTube, like, Put One Foot in Front of the Other Santa Claus, and you probably will find it. You're welcome. Yes.

Yes.

It's pretty great. Anyway, so then we break it down into those, those things that are going to actually move the needle forward so that we can build that trust in ourselves. And we like really break it down. Like, like my clients, like when I tell them this, they're like, okay, well, I got to do this. And I'm like, no, but, but how are you actually going to do that thing? And like, like, so like if they're, if they're like, okay, so I'm going to, I'm going to work out every morning. That's just an easy example, but it's not all about exercise. So maybe it's like working out every morning. Okay, but how are you actually going to get out the door in the morning? Like, do you need to put your shoes in a specific place? Do you need to get to bed at a certain time so that you can then get up in the morning? Like, what actually— what are all the things that need to happen? And you— and identifying all of the little tiny steps. And you might feel kind of dumb doing it. Like, you might feel like this is This is annoying, or like, this is like, of course I'll be able to do this. But actually identifying it, you might identify, oh, that's actually a little obstacle. That's a little like just a tiny thing that is going to make it a little bit harder. Maybe like your yoga mat is tucked away in the closet, and it's kind of hard to get to. And so you're like, oh, I don't feel like going and like digging through my closet and getting my yoga mat out. So What are all the little steps that need to happen in order for you to bring this vision into your life, into reality?

They talk about that motivational interviewing. So when they're teaching docs how to help people meet goals is you want to make it as breakdownable as possible. So I want to exercise. It's like, okay, well, what exercise do you want to do? What day do you want to do it on? What time do you want to do it? How long do want to do it? How are you going to remember to do it? Okay, you're going to set your alarm. Okay, do you have your phone now? Let's set your alarm right now. And so taking out all of that stickiness between thinking about the goal, wanting to do the goal, feeling great when you're doing the goal, imagining yourself in that goal, and actually execution of said goal.

Yes. And sometimes it feels like we're like, I have big, I have big dreams, like, I don't want to be like talking about this like little teeny tiny stuff, but the little teeny tiny stuff is what actually builds up to help you create the big, the big dreams, right? So yeah, so those are like the 3 things I would say to kind of move, move the needle on your New Year's resolutions rather than— or your New Year's vision, maybe we call it— instead of, instead of that, like, lower, uh, that just like the, the mindset around New Year's resolutions that I've seen people have, um, before. And maybe it's still New Year's resolutions, maybe it's the same thing, but it's just a different mindset going into them.

Okay, so as we finish up, we're all gonna pick a New Year's resolution for Hadlee. So I have a list, and I want you to think of a number between Between 1 and 54, and I really want you to zero in on your body. And just so for all y'all, Hadley's in California, I'm in Michigan. I have a list here in front of me. She hasn't seen it, so this is gonna be like her true spirit animal New Year's resolution.

Oh gosh. Okay, first number that came to mind was 48.

48. Okay. I can't say this word. Um, so the New Year's resolution—

Is it Ayurveda?

Find more reasons to use the word verisimilitude.

Oh my gosh, verisimilitude.

Oh, there you go. You just said it once. You're getting yourself started. Okay, so what is— what, what do you do? Oh, Hadlee, this This is the appearance of being true and real.

Oh, hey, I like that.

Oh, you are amazing. Wow. So she's pursuing truth, real truth. Like, you have the one sincere option out of this. Like, the other one is the number 47. The one right above it is floss every day and not Just with wild abandon in the week leading up to a cleaning. No, Hadley.

I actually do that. I actually do floss every day.

You're like I'm already accomplishing that. So Hadley's gonna find more reasons to use the word verisimilitude.

Verisimilitude. I like it. It reminds me of the word svastha, which is to be seated in the self, which is also the word for health in Sanskrit, which we've talked about before. So, oh my gosh! I love it. Verisimilitude.

Who's got the most incomprehensible New Year's resolution at the party? That would be

Hadley. Yeah, that's me.

Awesome. All y'all tell us what are your? Are you gonna quite quit your New Year's resolutions, or are you going to do the opposite and like really lean in? And if you do lean in, then I. I love the 3 steps that Hadley gave us to do so in a way that is worthy, life-giving, making a statement of becoming, all that good stuff. So let us know, send us a message, DM us, make a comment on here. And if anyone else that you know is going to be going through New Year's, then send this podcast over to them.

Yes. Amazing. Thanks everyone. We love you.

We love you.

Bye. Bye.