In this unscripted YouTube lecture, therapist Hannah Rose guides listeners through Step 9 of the 12‑step recovery program – making direct amends. She explains that an amends is more than a simple "I'm sorry"; it involves asking permission, taking personal accountability, and inviting the other person to suggest how the relationship can be repaired. Rose stresses the importance of respecting boundaries, not speaking for the other person, and consulting a sponsor or mentor for guidance. She expands the concept of amends to include "living amends" to oneself, advocating self‑compassion, setting boundaries, and balancing giving with receiving. Rose contextualizes the 12‑step tradition, noting its original focus on selfishness in 1930s alcoholics, and argues that for caretakers or codependents, the priority shifts to prioritizing one’s own needs. She briefly previews Steps 10‑12 as maintenance phases and encourages participants to engage in the course classroom, promising voice‑note responses. The overall message is that making amends—both to others and to oneself—is a powerful, nuanced process that supports lasting recovery.
Chapters
Hi everyone, welcome back to Day 10, Step 9, which is, make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. And we also mean emotionally injure. So make direct amends wherever possible. We have a list of people. So what is an amends? An amends is not I'm sorry. That was an important thing that I needed to learn. I was actually taught, don't say I'm sorry because you've probably said it so many times and it's lost its meaning. So rather, how do I mend this relationship? So the way that I was taught, and there's a lot of it in this book and in other 12-step books, just explaining what to do, is to go to the person and first say, Hey, I'm in a 12-step program, and as part of my own recovery, I'm supposed to make amends, or I'd like to make amends. Would you be open to that? And if they say no, you don't push it. You honor someone else's boundaries. I've absolutely tried to make amends to people, and they've said no. Now, if you're in this course and you're not actively in a 12-step fellowship, you don't have to say. I'm in a 12-step fellowship, right? But I definitely would still ask for permission. Hey, I'd like to make amends for something that I feel like I caused you harm. Are you open to hearing it? So first we ask permission. We don't just shove an amends down someone's throat. And then we take accountability for our part. We do not speak on their part. We do not talk about what they did. We say, I feel that I was selfish, and I've been trying to help you because I love you, and that's causing me to get frustrated at you, and I feel like that causes harm. And so I genuinely just wanted to take accountability for that and acknowledge it and ask what I could do to mend this relationship. Or something like that. And so an amends is asking, what can I do to mend the relationship? And clearing your side of the street by just taking accountability for your part. Hey, I've noticed that I've been putting a lot of pressure on you. I don't know if you feel it or not, but I feel it, and I don't want to keep doing that. So like, that's— we own our part. And we're also taught to ask the person, am I leaving anything out? And that is a tough pill to swallow, especially if the other person is not really in their own recovery. From anything? And they're like, yeah, well, you did this, this, and this. And you're just like, okay. So this is why it's also important to go through the 12 steps with a sponsor or some kind of mentor, because they can help talk us through the best way to go about amends. The point of amends are taking accountability and repairing where we may have inadvertently caused harm. Now there are so many different dynamics out there, and it's tough for me to speak on all of them and say just do this. But again, feel free to comment in the Course Classroom. I will respond with a voice note to the best of my ability. And remember, there's a lot in these books that shed light on the process and what to do and how to do it. But amends are really powerful. One thing I did not touch on in Step 8 is I definitely encourage you to put yourself on that list, right? So Step 8, made a list of people we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. Put yourself on that list. I can almost guarantee that you have hurt yourself. Maybe you've put shame on yourself. Maybe you've put expectations. Maybe you've been treating yourself poorly. Maybe you've been trading your authenticity for approval and ignoring your needs. Whatever the case may be, put yourself on that 8th step list and then bring that into the 9th step. So how can you make amends to yourself? There's a concept of living amends, which is not repeating the same behavior. So if I used to be really hard on myself, a living amends is creating space for more self-compassion. And if I'm struggling to do that, I ask the Universe for help. I turn it over to my higher power. Help me to be willing to be more self-compassionate. Help me to access some self-love, because doing so actually helps me show up for my life and the people in it even better. One of the core principles of the 12 steps is service to others. But sometimes service to others means setting boundaries and detaching, because I cannot pour from an empty cup. And so a living amends to my sorry, a living amends to myself means actively receiving, not just giving and giving and giving. I think there's a saying; it's like mother martyr. Oh, I'm forgetting the other one, but it's like. I think as humans, it's probably exacerbated by parenthood, but again, I'm not a parent and I've experienced so much of this. I do think we are conditioned to glean self-worth from how heavily we are able to impact others in a positive way, which is beautiful. I want to have a positive impact on the people in my orbit, but where am I trying to help And change and manage and control where I have no control, and at what cost? That comes back to step 1. So for a 9th step, amends to yourself— if you're in this course, I, I'm pretty sure the amends to yourself is going to be the most important one because the 12 steps were designed for, you know, the original alcoholics who were businessmen. And they're in the 1930s, and they typically, from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, were selfish and self-centered, and it was all about them, and they ignored their wives. And that's how the book is written. It's written for that. And so the amends and making the list and looking at shortcomings is really geared towards that demographic of people who were incredibly selfish. And it says selfishness and self-centeredness, that was the root of our problem. However, it is inadvertently selfish to try to change another person, even if we're trying to help. I maintain that. It is true. It is still self-seeking on some level, which may be a hard pill to swallow, or maybe you just don't agree with that. But I do think one thing that can happen with the 12 steps is Depending on which book you're reading, we can find ways to shame ourselves more and say, I'm selfish and I have shortcomings and I have defects and I should be more of service to others. But if you relate to caretaking and codependency, your task is kind of the opposite. It's to say, wow, it's not selfish to prioritize my needs. It's actually necessary. And a living amends means giving yourself what you need. Putting the oxygen mask on yourself first, not pouring from an empty cup. And so I really believe that I have the capacity to give endlessly as long as I am receiving endlessly as well. So where are you receiving, and what can you do for yourself? I know this is a lot of information. Hopefully you're only doing one of these a day, and We're gonna move on to step ten, which is my favorite step. Whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop! But you know, ten, eleven, and twelve are the maintenance steps. So I live in ten, eleven, and twelve, and I come back to the first nine when I need to. But ten, eleven, and twelve is where we maintain. So I'm excited to see you there. I'm excited that you're still in this course again. It's my first course ever, and. I'm just, you know, bebopping around my house with no script, and I feel really safe knowing that whoever has made it this far is obviously interested in the material. And it's scary putting myself out there, but I think about these steps and how I'm not responsible for how you receive me. I'm just responsible for showing up, and I turn it over, and then I feel immediate relief. How cool is that? I'll see you tomorrow.
