PART 5: Taking An Honest Look At Ourselves
In this Insight Timer video, therapist Hannah Rose, LCPC, guides listeners through Day 5, Step 4 of the 12‑step recovery process, emphasizing a codependency perspective. She explains that the fourth step is a written, searching, and fearless moral inventory and walks the audience through each of its four parts: (1) Resentments – detailing a four‑column format (who/what, cause, what it affects, my part) with concrete examples, cautions about over‑detailing, and suggestions for prayer or intention‑setting; (2) Fears – a simple list‑making exercise; (3) Sexual conduct and personal relationships – listing all romantic/intimate contacts to identify patterns, especially codependent dynamics; (4) Ideals – creating a list of qualities one wishes in a partner and committing to embody those ideals themselves. Rose references the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, Melody Beattie’s The Codependent’s Guide to the 12 Steps, and Al‑Anon literature, offering practical tips, personal anecdotes, and therapist‑level warnings about retraumatization when probing “my part.” She encourages listeners to pause, write, and seek support from sponsors, therapists, or peers, and promises to continue with Step 5 in the next session.
Chapters
Hey everyone! Welcome back to Day 5, Step 4. Now, if you haven't been doing this already, today is the day to get a piece of paper and a pen, because this is a written step. This is not something we do in our heads. This is not something we try to intellectualize our way through. This is putting pen to paper. This step is made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. And there are really specific instructions in each 12-step fellowship on how to do this inventory. Now, in The Codependent Guide to the 12 Steps, the questions that they are asked are pretty different than the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, or even Al-Anon and Narcotics Anonymous. Because they're really centered to— excuse me— they're really centered around your codependent behaviors and looking at taking an inventory of your relationships. So for example, some of the questions sound like this. Number 1, writing down an inventory of codependent characteristics like people pleasing, over-functioning, and caretaking. And there are instructions and suggestions on how to do this. The next one is a general biographical sketch. Where were you born? And let the process take over. You just basically start writing your life story in your narrative. Then there's suggestions on what to do with that. There's also a specific biographical sketch, and so you can focus on one area of your life. So if, for For example, early childhood attachments feel like a wound that has never healed. That is an area that you can start writing about. And then it says a Big Book 4th step. Now this is where my expertise comes into play. So a Big Book 4th step means they are citing the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, and there are really specific instructions on how to do a 4th step. And I'm going to walk you through. So first and foremost, I'm going to do a brief overview, and then I'll tell you what to write down. I'll encourage you what to write down. You don't have to do anything. You have agency here. I also just wanted to say that I am doing my best to speak as slowly as possible without losing my authenticity. I'm going to show you what it sounds like when I speak at my normal cadence. I'm also a little bit louder, I think. So especially when I'm really excited and passionate about something, this is the speed at which I talk. And the 4th step is something that I could talk about forever because I've worked so many 4th steps. So I'm doing my best to slow down, but if this cadence is still a little fast for you, again, feel free to pause Rewind, take it in. I am learning how to be a teacher on Insight Timer, and I am doing my best at this moment. So, brief overview of A Big Book, Fourth Step. Part 1 is about resentments. Part 2 is about fears. Part 3 is about sexual conduct and, and relationships. Part 4 is about ideals. So I'm going to take you through one by one and tell you or encourage you exactly what to write down. So part 1, resentments. And so what I would do is just write at the top of the page resentments. Now, what is a resentment? A resentment is essentially stemming from resentment, continuing to feel something that has since passed. So getting angry in the moment is not a resentment. Thinking and feeling that anger later and ruminating on it and playing it back and it living inside of you long after the moment has passed—that is a resentment. So this can go back to childhood. Sometimes people don't have that many resentments. Other times we are filled with resentments. And so part one resentments. There's going to be columns, and so column number one is who or what. So that's what you're going to write down: who slash what. So for example, my first fourth step had myself on it because I resented myself. It had my parents, other family members, specific friends. I was twenty, so I don't think I had coworker. I did have coworkers. Yeah, coworkers. I think it also had specific religions. specific political parties, politicians, I mean, anyone and anything. And the best way to do a 4th step, because again, when we stop playing God, we stop thinking and feeling like we have to figure it all out. And so my suggestion that was always suggested to me is to either pray or just set an intention or talk to the universe or whatever it is you believe in and say, I surrender. Help me to be searching and fearless and thorough. Help me to get out of my own way and just write honestly. Help me to just write what comes up and then put the rest down. You don't have to figure it all out. You can flow with what is in any given moment. So column 1, who or what? Okay. You can just write who or what. Column 2, why. Now the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous gives very specific suggestions. It gives a template and it says, for example, who, Mr. Brown. Why, I don't remember the exact wording, but essentially the writer thinks that Mr. Brown slept with his wife. So Because he slept with my wife. This is important. Some people in the 4th step end up writing basically an entire novel about why they resent someone or something. All that is going to do is pour fuel on the fire. And it says in the Big Book, remember, this is your inventory and not the other person's. So who? Mr. Brown. Why? Get to the get to the chase. Cut all the fat, all the miscellaneous details. So, for example, let's say you are resentful of your a parent, right? So who? My mom. Why? I didn't feel like she was there for me. If you need to write specific examples and you notice that it's getting longer and longer, remind yourself this is your inventory, not theirs. So who or what is the first column? Why is the second column? The actual wording in the Big Book is the cause. What is the cause of this resentment? So you can pause and just write why or the cause. That's the next column. The next column is what does it affect? So often resentments are corrosive and they can eat away at our self-worth. They can eat away at our identity, or— so it means so many different things. Resentments are corrosive. And so what does this resentment affect? And the Big Book gives specific examples and things to choose from, like pride, personal relationships, sex relationships, pocketbook, aka finances, self-esteem. And so, you know, when you think about your resentment towards this person, place, or thing Or institution? What does it affect in me? What is it impacting? My resentment towards this person, what is it impacting? And if you're stuck or having a hard time, feel free to reach out to me. Again, these steps are meant to be worked with another human being. Um, but I did just want to provide a summary of them as a course because I didn't see a lot of that on Insight Timer. So again, column 1, who or what? Column two, why? Aka the cause. Column three, what does it affect? Is it just my serenity, my peace of mind? If you are bewailing our political climate right now all of the time, which is valid, I'm never going to invalidate that. But does it affect your day-to-day serenity and your peace and your contentment and your ability to be present? Like what is this resentment affecting in your life? And then column four. Is the kicker, and it might be hard to do on your own. Column 4, my part. I'm breaking these videos up a bit because I don't want my phone to run out of space in the middle of me talking, but it might. So column 4 is what is my part? And this is the transformational part about the 4th step. It's remembering this is your inventory and not theirs. And this again is sometimes really tough to do on your own. And so if you know anyone in your life that is gone through the 12 steps, or if you want to reach out to a therapist or a coach or someone who specializes in this, do that. Because it's tough to see our part. That's why we often live in our own suffering. So I'll give some real-life examples. So for me, one of my parents was like number one on the list. I blamed everything on them, and I am this way because of them, etc. You know why they were never there for me? They're selfish, their own alcoholism, etc. What does it affect? Self-esteem, personal relation. I mean everything. What didn't it affect? And what was my part? It's not like oh I should have done differently when I was a kid to earn their love. That's not what my part means. What is my part in currently holding on to the resentment or What was my part in contributing to the resentment? Now, as a child and a parent not being there, I would never put that on a child. However, as an adult person, as my first sponsor said, she said, Hannah, you're 20 years old. When are you going to start taking accountability for your life now and stop blaming everything on this parent? And I was like, Oh my God. We often cling to concrete narratives about, this is just who I am. Oh, that's just how I am. Says who? Says you. And you just keep telling yourself the same thing and believing it to be true. We are not one thing. We are not anything. We are constantly growing and changing and moving if we allow ourselves to. So with this parent, what was my part? Expectations, right? Naturally, but still expectations. I had a vision of what a parent should show up like, and this parent never showed up like that, and that was very wounding. And while that's valid, I was still making everything about me instead of seeing, wow, this person is probably doing the best they can with what they have. And that's really sad. They're not just my parent. They are just another person out in the world trying to exist, and they're not doing it perfectly, and that hurt me. But at what point can I stop making it about me and start viewing them through the lens of they're not well? In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, there's something called the Sick Man's Prayer. And when we're feeling resentful, we can look at that person and say, this person is not doing well. This is a sick person. Help me to access compassion and empathy for them. Now, there are caveats with this. As a therapist, I would never ever ask someone, well, what's your part? If they have been the victim of abuse. I cannot stress that enough. That can inadvertently retraumatize someone and I think we can look at ways to continue healing without accidentally saying, oh, it's your fault, which can happen. And so I do want to say that. So with my part, expectations is a big one, right? Continuing to show up in the relationship expecting them to be different— that's on me. That is not another person's issue. That's on me. What in me is continuously showing up and expecting them to be different? Back to step 2, that sounds a little insane, doing the same things and expecting different results. Sometimes my part is control. Almost every single time, my resentments stem from projecting what I would do onto someone else and saying, well, they should do this because that's what I would do. When people are the way they are, and it goes against what I feel like they should be, that's a me problem. That is not another person problem. So it's tough to encapsulate the resentment part of the fourth step in a video, especially as I'm talking or speaking like off the top of my head. But The 4th step is transformational. I could do an entire course on just the 4th step. So just to recap, first part is resentment. We're only on the first part. Who or what? Why? What's the cause? What does it affect? And what is my part? Oftentimes control, expectations, sometimes entitlement, sometimes the insanity of continuing to show up. Sometimes it's like, oh, I pushed them away, and then when they left, I was resentful. Well, my part is that I pushed them away. Like, I have a role in things. If I have a tendency to blame everyone and everything else for my suffering, that's something to look at. So that's the resentment part. The next part is fear. This is really simple. You write a list of your fears. That's it. You write a list of your fears. And now you have a whole tangible list of things to turn over and explore more deeply. There's more directions in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous about fears, but it all has to do with turning it over to what it is you believe in. The next part is personal relations slash sex conduct, and this is writing a list of every person that you've been involved with romantically and intimately on any level. And you start to look at your own patterns. Did you evoke? Did you evoke jealousy, suspicion, bitterness? Should you have left them alone? And so the sex conduct relationship inventory is just looking at patterns of behavior in your personal relationships. If we're doing this through a codependent lens, we're going to be looking at who are the people in life that you feel like you need to or. Have to help. And so you can just write a list of people that are in your life, who's actively in your life right now, and start to look at your patterns. And this one is tough to do when we're not face-to-face talking about it, but write a list of people in your life. You can also get this book, The Codependent Guide to the 12 Steps by Melody Beattie. You can get The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. You can get the Al-Anon book. There's Tons of literature out there. This is just a summary. And in AA, the last part of the fourth step is to make a list of ideals that you would like a partner to have. And if you are in a relationship, you take that person out of your mind and just what are your ideals? You know, emotional availability, humor, compassion, empathy. I'm just naming things that I value. And then the kicker is. Your task is to live up to those ideals, not project them onto other people, right? Can we show up the way we want everyone else to show up? There's a bumper sticker that says, be the person your dog thinks you are, and I really love that. So that is my best attempt at summarizing a very hefty step. I think the most important part for our purposes is the resentment inventory. And you can do this at any time. I did this last week. I was feeling resentful at someone, and so I just pulled out pen and paper and wrote, who was I resentful of? Why was I resentful of them? What is it impacting? And what is my part? And it was like, oh my God, oh wow, I'm able to see this so differently. And in doing so, we're turning it over, turning it over. We're releasing control. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the fourth step. I know this was a lot of information, but I will see you tomorrow for step five.
