Amanda Pittman - Overcoming Insecurity

Amanda, thank you so much for hanging out with us today. What a blessing, girl.

Thanks for having me, Hannah. I am so looking forward to this.

Well, I want to dive right into it, as we always do. So your book about standing in confidence, about getting out of insecurity, has that always been an issue for you, feeling insecure or when did you realize that?

I would say I probably realized it around the time of puberty.

Oh, well, yeah. I mean, you're talking about 99 of girls are insecure. What's happening to my body?

Exactly. I mean, I think that's the time where you become self aware. You also become aware of what's happening socially. And that was around the time where I recognized I'm a little bit different than everyone else. I. I didn't feel as if I found my place to fit in. And what that did is it made me feel as if I had to change myself or contort myself in order to be accepted. And so I think that that was a big piece of that.

Yeah.

Another big piece of it is that I relied so much on external validation when it came to the things that I deemed as important or when it came to the things that gave me a sense of significance. Now, I'm not of the mindset or belief that we don't need validation as humans. I actually am a big believer in giving out a lot of compliments and affirming people, yes, we do. We need to know who we're doing. Well, I think the issue comes when we become so dependent on it that we can't move forward unless we get that hit of validation. And so for me, I, ever since about the seventh grade, I just really started thriving when it came to music. And so I just consistently got first chairs and made up the Allstate bands throughout high school. And so I went to college for music. I had a flute degree, music ed flute degree from SMU in Dallas. And while I was there, I just recognized how much of my worth and value I placed in my flute and my ability to do well. And I realized that my love for music was secondary because my love for achievement and the validation and significance that that gave me became primary. So I definitely saw that there. And it wasn't until I got to a place in college where I wasn't put on certain rotations for orchestras and wind ensembles that this place where I had placed so much of my worth and value and identity and was taken away from me, it. It sobered me and I was able to see clearly. And I recognized I. I like music. I. I really enjoy it. It is a passion of mine. But I've pursued. I've gone this far in my life because I. I have been dependent on this foundation. And I also saw this whenever it came to my relationships. I. I just didn't get a lot of male attention growing up until, like later on in high school. And I. I did the same thing. I would contort myself to fit someone else's desires for me. And the validation that I would get just from being wanted and just from being desired kept me in relationships I should have never been in. Kept me with boys that I never even liked to begin with. I was just so happy to be liked. And so I recognized things and how much it impacted me. So much so to. I was scrolling back on my old Facebook statuses, and there was one Facebook status that stopped me dead in my tracks from 2011, and it said this. I feel like my insecurities get in the way of everything in my life.

Wow.

And I was reading this from the perspective of the future. There I was, I was already leading a ministry called Confident Woman Co, which equips women to stand confidently upon the finish work of Jesus. I was looking at it from the perspective of having already started to write my book and led countless programs helping women become more confident. And so it was just so amazing to see how far I had come and also recognize how bad it was.

Wow. Because you were feeling like your insecurities stood in the way of everything.

Yes.

And I truly do feel that way for a lot of people, men and women. But I just think, especially like women struggle with this a little bit more is feeling that they just question themselves, that they need that validation. And unfortunately, you know, as believers, like Jesus gives us all of that. Like God, if we look in God's word, it says who we are, it says whose we are. It gives us all the validation. But that almost, I think, for a lot of people becomes secondary to what the world says about us. And. And so that person who is listening or watching right now, and they're like, I'm just so scared to put myself out there. I just. What would happen if I didn't have that person or if I didn't have that job or if I didn't have that award or I didn't have that talent, or they maybe they just feel like they're just fumbling and just really, they. They just don't have that confidence. The biggest fear is that they would be placed in a position where they have to show up confidently and they know they Couldn't, like, what would you say to that person? They're like, this is a potential for me, I could do this. But oh my gosh, it would be me putting myself out there and that's terrifying. What if I fail?

I do think it depends. I love giving clear answers, but if this is a brand new venture that they've never stepped into, I think that there's a certain level of competency that they need to gain in order to walk in confidence. Because if you're not competent, you're not going to be competent. But let's say that this person has done the work, they've done the prep work, they know what they're supposed to do, but they're having trouble doing it. And they're having trouble stepping out of the boat because it's out of their comfort zone, because it's, it maybe they're not going to get validated as much. Whatever it may be, I would say you need conviction. You need conviction. In my book, I talk about the four components of confidence, which are clarity, connection, competency, and conviction. And I can talk more about the other three. But whenever it comes to conviction, your conviction isn't just about what you shouldn't do. Because a lot of times when Christians say I, I'm convicted about what I did, right.

They're thinking like, oh, sin, right, Exactly.

You're convicted about the wrong thing. But I believe that the Holy Spirit doesn't just give us a conviction about the wrong thing, but he also gives us conviction about doing the right thing. He gives us conviction not just for sin, but he gives us conviction for righteousness. And so this conviction is going to be the thing that drives us to do what we're called to do. And the way that you gain this level of conviction is by keeping the main thing in front of you. And that main thing is others. Others. So many times when we don't want to step out in the boat, we don't want to put ourselves out there. It's because we're too self focused to do it and we're too self conscious to do it.

Okay?

Because of that, our insecurities become more important than the one we're called to serve. And so the truth is we don't need to avoid our fears. We need a conviction greater, great enough for us to face our fears. Yeah, we don't need to avoid insecurities. We need a conviction great enough for us to override our insecurities. And so when your love for people and your service to them is at the forefront you can say, you know what? I don't like how I look today. I don't like how my voice sounds today. Or I'm nervous about fumbling this or fumbling that. But you say, however, this is for that person. This is for the one. That's what keeps you pushing forward. And. And then there's the other piece that. The other piece that drives your conviction is knowing that you will give an account to Jesus.

Yeah.

At the end of your life for everything that you did. And you will be held responsible for all the gifts and talents and abilities that God gave you. And it's your responsibility to not just sit on them, but multiply them. And so as we are given, much, much is required of us. And so knowing that not only are we responsible to those we're called to, but we're also responsible to the one who called us will help us to have a level of conviction that will help us drive past these moments of discomfort.

Yeah. Yeah. That is so good. Basically, you're talking about getting ourselves out of the picture. Yeah. Because. Because when it comes down to it, we make. Oftentimes we are so tempted to make very shallow choices and very myopic choices, and we don't realize that, what if God is in me to come out of me, to change what is around me? Like, if we just got into that place where, like, what if God is doing a greater work in me and through me, then does it have anything to do with confidence in myself? Maybe not. I mean, sometimes, you know, as we become more competent. Yes. That does help us increase our confidence and. And, you know, and the boldness to move forward into something that's unfamiliar. But sometimes God just calls us out into the deep water and it's like, I don't know how to swim. I don't know what to do in this place. But that's where we have our God confidence. Do I have to have confidence in my own ability? And is that kind of what you struggle with? Because, you know, as you were. You share about. As you were dating and when you decided to get married, like, there was a lot of things that came up about insecurity. What. What happened?

Yeah, I mean, so whenever I got into a relationship with my now husband, him and I started dating in college. We met in an Art of Acting class. It was an ADM class. We never considered each other before that. But whenever I got into a relationship with him, it was my first relationship with someone who I actually wanted, which is a lot.

Yeah.

Or I would settle with whoever would want Me, because I loved the validation of simply being wanted. So what was significant about this relationship was that I actually wanted to be in this relationship. And in that, I recognize that the more highly I esteemed him, the more insecure I became. Because I thought to myself, who am I to deserve you? And how can I maintain such a healthy relationship when all I had known is toxicity?

Yeah.

So that was. That was a new venture for me. And I had to learn how to receive good things and to sustain. Sustain health. Sustain a lack of drama, which was new to me. So that there was that piece. And then there was also the way that he shifted my perspective around what love is.

Okay.

So after we had been dating for some time and we had already exchanged I love you, I asked Michael, why do you love me? And of course, I am just fishing. I am just.

Yes, of course you are just hoping.

He'S saying, I love you because you're just so wonderful.

All the validation, right?

Me, Right? Exactly. But he did not give me that validation. He said, I love you because I choose to.

Wow. That's beautiful.

Yes. At that moment, I didn't appreciate what he was saying. Not at all. Because I was like, what do you mean you love me because you choose to? Why is it so hard to love me? Am I not lovable? And I didn't appreciate it then, but I did appreciate it when I was not so lovable. Right. I did appreciate it when, you know, I'm hormonal and I'm a little bit more testy. I did appreciate it when my appearance changed whenever I got pregnant or the time where I cut off all my hair. The pixie cut looked fire. But then once it started growing out, that mid phase, it just wasn't it. There's it out. I appreciated it then because it was a love that was based on a commitment. It wasn't a love that was based on circumstance. And so I learned God's love through how my husband loved me.

Yeah.

So I recognize that. Wow. This. This kind of love is not revocable depending on how well I perform or how good I am for you, which is brand new for me because I had been in relationships that affirmed me so much for the things that I did or the way that I looked that I felt as if, if I can fit into their mold, I will be worthy and I can maintain this relationship, which is so far from the truth, because the standard is consistently moving.

Right.

Especially when you factor in the character of the other person.

Right. Is such a shaky foundation.

There's no way that foundation. Exactly. And so once I recognize that the way that God loves me is based on his commitment and based on his covenant and based on his choice and not based on my perfection, not based on my performance, that freed me and it built a confidence within me that was a firm foundation.

That's so good. It did free you. Like, it changed that shakiness. And sometimes, like you. You mentioned you found a word there that I kind of want to go back to, and that's drama. And I think a lot of times our insecurity can breed so much drama that now we're kind of just spinning in this vortex of inactivity and it just becomes kind of this really. It's just self absorption. So, I mean, for people who are stuck in that drama, I know this, this may sound kind of harsh, but how do we shake out of that and realize, wait, something bigger could be going on here. Let me focus on the bigger picture that God has for me. How can we make that shift, though? Because some people are like, almost like addicted to this drama.

I would say it's twofold, actually. I think it's threefold. I think there's three pieces to that.

Yeah.

The first is healing. Many of us have these open wounds. They're open doors for these messages to be sent to us about who we are, about what we deserve, about what life should look like. And if we never go in to these wounds and heal them, they just remain infected by these messages that were sent to us. I actually believe that our healing can take place relatively rapidly if we deal with it properly. However, it's not necessarily the. The events that hurt us as much as the messages that the events send us. And so for the people who consistently live in a state of drama, that's telling me there's a message that has been sent to them that they've clung to and chose to believe and build a framework of the way that the world works through the lens of that lie. And that lie could be, hey, this is just the way that is that life is. Life is a roller coaster. You don't know what you're going to expect or everybody's going to reject you. Whatever it means, whatever this message is, they're clinging to that and that's the lens through which they see the world. So that's a big piece. The second piece to that is the renewing of your mind. Because it's not enough to just be healed or right.

Right.

Delivered. But if you do not renew your mind, then you will not be transformed. We're transformed by the renewing of our mind. And so it's very important that we reprogram the way we think. Which leads me to the third piece, which is the circle that you're around. Your environment, your connections. My one connection with Michael reframed and reprogram my mind by showing me what health looks like. I didn't see that level of health in the relationships that was in. And so I didn't know that that baseline for goodness, that baseline for peace, was even possible because my baseline had been a roller coaster. My baseline had been shaky. My baseline was a foundation built.

What your truth is, understand that's your truth.

Yeah. So I just.

You made that lie so real to you that it became that framework.

Right. And. And that framework was just a faulty foundation. And so being exposed to the right people and having secure connections will reframe your mind for what is possible. When I think about every single next level that I've experienced in my life, it's always come by way of a person. If the enemy wants to harm you, he'll send a person.

Yeah.

If God wants to bless you, he'll send a person. And so you have to pay real close attention to the people that you're around, because they're going to shape your destiny. So that's what I would say. If somebody is stuck in a cycle of drama, they're probably surrounded by other people who are dramatic, too.

Yeah, yeah. Like breeds, like.

Exactly.

But it's so true. We have to. Look. I always say that if you don't want the life they live, don't accept the advice they give. Like, it's just, you know, we have to be very careful about that because allowing people to speak into us, we really have to be judicious and say, do I want these results? Because if I really, like, go by their framework, I'm going to. I'm going to get the same results.

Right.

So I think that's why it's so important to spend time in God's word and see what he says about you, because that makes all the difference. It's such a dramatic difference. But you talk about two confidence drainers. Let's talk about that. What. What are the confidence drainers?

I would say the confidence drainers are unhealed wounds. I'll start with the unhealed wounds pieces back to what I mentioned. Like, when you have an open wound, like, you're. You walk around believing, and you're not going to be able to establish a baseline for confidence in your life if you haven't Healed these places that have hurt you.

Yeah.

And so, yeah. And then another confidence trainer is just simply a need for deliverance. And I think we get afraid of that word because there are some people who have had experience in churches where it's scary and spooky and theatrical. But I. I truly believe that spiritual warfare is confrontation with the enemy. And the way that you confront the enemy is with truth, because the way he's trying to tear you down is with lies. So as you equip yourself with the word and you're able to have comebacks whenever the enemy comes your way, then it's an opportunity for you to renew your mind and find deliverance from these old frameworks that. That held you back. So, yeah, I believe that we need to build a competency around learning how to reprogram our minds through the power of scripture, because you can find competency in a lot of different areas. Like, I can. I can feel confident in speaking if I grow my competency as a speaker. Right. If you just get good at your skills, you sharpen. But what skills do we need to sharpen in order for the rest of our life to change? Well, if we're able to sharpen our ability to heal in the presence of God and then also renew our mind in the presence of God, then it doesn't matter what environment we go into, we're confident.

That is so good because it talks about, you know, in Romans 12:2, like, don't conform to that pattern that the world goes by. The world is always, you know, going to Google to get the answers, or what is the strategy I need to put in effect? Or what is the answer here, the template or the three steps. But when God talks about renewing your mind, he also adds in there so you can test and prove what his will is. His good, pleasing, perfect will, which is so exciting to me because to think that what he wants from me is good and pleasing and perfect. I know if I can just do things his way, I don't have to rely on my own skill and ability. I mean, Proverbs says there's a way that seems right unto men, and in the end, there are. There's surely death. Like, I don't want to rely on my cleverness. I want to lean into God's wisdom, because we do have access to that. So how could someone, starting today, okay, let's say they just stumbled across this video or they're listening to this podcast, and they're like, man, I do have a lot of drama in my life. I do have A lot of feelings, fear. I do have some wounds inside that I haven't allowed. You know, sometimes you want to keep a door shut, right? God, you can have all my life, just not this room. I don't want to go in there. But when we open up that door and say, God, I want your presence in here because I want it all cleaned out. I want this all to resemble what is good, pleasing and perfect. What can they do starting today if they know that this is number one, possible and number two accessible because of their relationship with God, what can they do next?

I love that you say possible and accessible. I think a lot of what I've heard from a lot of Christian women is that they have this mentality and this idea that there are people like them and then there's people like me. There are people who stand on the stages who seem to have this closer relationship with the Lord, and then there's people like me who are the listeners, who are the followers, when in actuality we have the exact same access to God. There's nobody else on this planet who, who belongs to God who has a greater access to the Father than you do. We're as close to God now as we ever will be. Because whenever we give our lives to Christ, we become a temple of the Holy Spirit. And so when we're the temple of the Holy Spirit, His Spirit dwells in us. And there's no separation between us and Him. We are as close to God now as we ever will be. We have as much access now as we ever will have. And so rather than thinking, you know, I need to get to where they are in order to approach God confidently and confidently approach his throne. No, I have that now because I don't have the Spirit that makes me a fearful slave. But I have the spirit of sonship to which I can call out abba, Father. And I can do that in confidence. I belong to Him. And then I'll say this. There's also a difference between closeness and proximity and closeness and intimacy because we have closeness in proximity to God at all times when we're his child. However, if you have this closeness in proximity because you're saved, but you don't have closeness and intimacy because you don't walk with Him. You're not letting him into these various rooms in your heart. You're not surrendering, then there's a certain level of confidence and freedom you'll never experience. And it's not because you don't belong to God. It's not because you're not going to heaven, but it's because you're not intimate with the Father. And so I believe that establishing a strong and intimate relationship with God is what is going to change your life. He will infiltrate every single area of your life as long as you let him. The Holy Spirit has the power to, to help you in any single area that you submit to him, that you surrender to Him. You say fill this area, but the secret weapon is in that surrender. And we don't get to that place without intimacy. So my advice to that person would say, I would just say build a deeper relationship with the Lord that will change your perspective. And don't simply don't find comfort and just knowing that you're safe. Like pursue intimacy with the Lord. Yeah, he's going to reveal yourself to you. He's going to reveal himself to you. He's going to reveal his plan and his purpose and his destiny for you. And that is the abundant life.

Oh, that is so beautiful. I love that. And also, I just want to add this one thing. You can trust him because he loves you like somebody. So many times I think our insecurities come from just thinking that he might be judging us. Yeah, but all that judgment was poured out on Jesus and God is not judging you. Like you can trust him and he loves you and it's a safe, safe place. That intimacy you talk about, that is so beautiful. Amanda, how can people get more of you? I love what you're about. I love that you're helping women step into their confidence. I love it. How can they get more?

Well, thank you. This has been a lot of fun. I you can find me on a lot of the various social outlets. Just type in Amanda Pittman. You can find me on Instagram, on tick tock, on YouTube, Twitter, Amanda Pittman. Just type that and you'll find me. I also have a ministry called Confident Woman Co and you can find us on Instagram at Confident Woman Co and you can also go to confident womanco.com and we have a community on another app where you can get to know other like minded Christian women. We have circles from all over the world. We host Bible studies online meetups. If you're looking for connection that is going to if you're looking to be around like minded Christian women who want God too, come go to confidentwomanco.com you can also find out anything more about me that you want to know or need to know@amandaapitman.com so that's how you can keep up with me.

Amanda, thank you so much.

This was a blessing.

Oh, this was so much fun. You don't have to struggle with insecurity. God is right there. And when you learn to dive in and really walk with Him, I promise you that confidence is going to build and you are going to be blessed like crazy.