Are You Having Enough Sex?

Well, hey there, quick question. Are you having enough sex in your life? Yes. We're going there because there's actually three hidden reasons why you're not having more sex. And guess what? It has nothing to do with you wearing anything like this. Make sure you lean in. Stay tuned. Things are heating up today on the Crazy Bless show foreign. And welcome to the crazy blessed show today. I'm your host Hannah Keeley and we've got a spicy episode today so may just be for adult eyes and ears. So just wanted to let you know that because what we're talking about today is the three hidden reasons you're not having more sex. Yes, I said it. I said the word sex. It's so funny because in Christian circles we get so keyed up about talking about money or sex. And isn't it amazing that that's what the world talks about all the time, money or sex. And I think if the world's talking about it and God's talking about it, then Christians need to be talking about this because we need to shed holy light on these areas. Talking about money, talking about sex, those things that we often do not want to talk about because it can create, I don't know, a sense of discomfort or maybe animosity. And we don't want to be opinionated. But you know what, you're thinking about it. I just said it like we're all thinking about it. So let's just go to God's word, figure out what God says about it because sex is good. So if it's good and he wants to bless his people with it, then why are we not having more of it? Same thing with money, same thing with sex. God created it and he created it for us to enjoy and for us to use. So how do we get more of this and why aren't we getting more? That's what we're going to talk about today because the reasons are kind of hidden there. The world talks about it one way, but, but God's people, we talk about it in light of His Word and it's fascinating. So the reasons why you're not having more sex may be under the radar. And if it's under the radar, you're not going to be focused on it. You're not going to know and you'll get distracted and believe something that the world says about your money, your sex, your family, all those things because you're not willing to go into those areas. So we're going to go right smack dab into it. We're talking about the Three hidden reasons that you're not having more sex is probably not what you think. It might surprise you. So I'm talking about sex today in terms of married sex. Now I really want to clarify that because the world talks about sex and it applies to everyone, everywhere, all the time. Doesn't matter. No, friend, we have parameters around that. And God created sex to be enjoyed in the marriage covenant. And I know sometimes the world will say, well, you know, marriage is just a piece of paper. Like that doesn't really matter anymore. We can make a decision and a promise to be together. It's so much more than that. Marriage is a covenant, one person with another person. And it's designed to be all encompassing, to be permanent, to be so gratifying in that relationship. And I think the reason that culturally we've grown out of thinking that sex should just be inside marriage is because we don't really understand what a covenant is. See, God has a covenant with his people. Jesus is the groom, the church is the bride. So that is a covenant that we have to sealed in the blood of Jesus. And it is all encompassing and it never stops. So we have to understand that we have a covenant with God through Jesus that he cannot break. He will not break. And we have to have that same idea of what marriage is. Now. Sex can be amazing, gratifying, fun, enjoyable, enriching in a marriage. So I want to clarify, because if you are seeking help with your relationship and your sexuality outside of marriage, you know, that's like asking God to bless something that is out of his will. And he's not inclined to do that. See, he wants you to live in his covenant so that he can bless you in his covenant. God wants to bless you. He's not denying anything from you, so he's not denying you pleasure and joy. He wants you to have that. That's why he set, set up the marriage covenant. So I won't go too deep into that, because today we want to talk about why you're not having more sex. But I'm talking about sex in that marriage covenant. Cool, Cool. Okay. So what we tend to think about with sex inside of marriage, like if you hear people talking about, you know, giving premarital counseling, they're like, well, make sure you regularly have sex. Make sure you include that in your marriage. You have fun having sex and make sure you are open to each other and explore each other and just have, just keep having sex. Like that's kind of like the, the advice that most people get when they're getting married. And understand that I'm a covenant coach. I don't know if you know what that is, but it's like life coaching on spiritual steroids. See, as a covenant coach, we don't change circumstances. We change the mindset that created the circumstances. So saying something like, hey, you should improve your marriage by having more sex is kind of like saying, hey, you should lose weight by eating less food. The answer to that is, duh. Like, yeah, of course. Everyone knows that, right? So we have to look at, why am I eating too much? Why am I having sex too little? Why am I doing this behavior? So I would never be that coach that says, hey, you should just have more sex because there's a reason you're not. If you're not enjoying sex, if you're not having sex frequently in your marriage, there's a reason why. So don't beat yourself up over it. Just look at the behavior. Say, wait a minute, I can change this when I go to the mindset that that is creating the circumstances. So if you have that circumstance in your marriage and you would love to be having more sex, we're not going to just say, have more sex. We're going to say, why am I not? And that's where we're going to go. There are actually three hidden reasons that you're not having more sex. Once you uncover that, then you can do something about the mindset and start enjoying the sex that comes out of that. So the first mindset is past trauma. So a lot of people, especially women, are dealing with past trauma. Some kind of. It could have been sexual assault, it could have been severe trauma. It could have been some type of benign trauma that they just developed a wrong mindset around it. But something could have happened in that person's past to create some type of pain response. So the mindset behind the past trauma is, I'm scared. Sometimes there's fear associated with sex. And if there's fear, we can't open up and enjoy sex. So think about it. Great sex requires extreme intimacy. Now, how are you supposed to be intimate when there is no trust there? So what happens with past trauma is it destroys our trust. So you can't, like, think about it. You're in the most compromising position out there. You are naked, right when you're having sex, you're naked, which you're exposed, which means you're vulnerable. Now, if you have any fear associated with sexuality, then that's going to show up in that most vulnerable state. You're going to push it away from you. You're going to repel sex because you don't feel safe. Now, there are reasons that that happens, but that is in any relationship. So think about it, even in your relationship with God. How can you trust God fully when you're afraid of him? And that happens in a marriage. How can you trust your partner fully and have sex if you're afraid? So when you're carrying fear into your marriage, that can show up with being withdrawn and you're not being intimate, you repel intimacy. So I want you to think about this is sex should be easy, it should be free, it should be recreational. They're not. There shouldn't be penance. You have to pay. It shouldn't be painful. So in Matthew 11, 29:30, this is what Jesus said. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me, for I am gentle, meek and humble, lowly in heart, and you will find rest, relief and, and ease, and refreshment and recreation, and blessed quiet for your souls. For my yoke is wholesome, useful, good, not harsh, hard, sharp or pressing, but comfortable, gracious and pleasant. And my burden is light and easy to be born. So what if sex could be exactly what Jesus describes? It could be refreshing, it could be recreation. It could be comfortable, it could be gracious, it could be pleasant. Right. Right. That's the sex that you want. And when sex becomes pleasant, when it becomes refreshing, when it becomes recreational and comfortable, then you desire it more. And when you desire it more, you'll enjoy it more. So can you allow yourself? This is a big question. But if you have dealt with past trauma that makes you pull away from sex, my question to you today is, can you allow yourself to heal? Now, typically, it's like, Hannah, I've tried everything. I've tried forgiveness, I've tried therapy, I've tried counseling. We have to determine where that trauma comes from. So if you have past trauma that's affecting your sex life, it can come from one of two places. The first is pain outside of your marriage that could have been some type of painful experience, some type of traumatic experience that happened maybe before you were married or outside of your marriage that now brings an element of distrust. You can't open up because you carry fear or shame. But what if you could just lift the should off of your behavior? Because here's what I see. A lot of times people think, well, I. I should be more open, or I shouldn't be so held back, or I should be more comfortable here, or I should be, you know, pursuing sex more. Should. Should, you know, as I like to say you should all over yourself. And when you act that way and when you think that way, it's going to inhibit how you respond sexually. So if you could just lift the should off, say, you know what? I am just behaving in the exact way that I should, believing what I believe. So it's okay. It's okay that I feel a little scared. It's okay that I feel held back. It's okay that I don't want to have sex. That's okay. But now if I want it to change, I need to look at the mindset that is creating the fear response. And if it was pain outside of your marriage, then you have to ask yourself, can I heal from this? Can I let this go? If you can, there are ways to let it go. There are ways to coach around it. But understand pain outside of your marriage. I don't want to bring this into my marriage. If trauma happened outside of your marriage, maybe before you were married, then we have to say, you know what? That is not this. That past experience was a different person. It's not who I am now, who I am in this marriage. I don't even have a cell in my body or brain left over from that person who went through trauma. I am an entirely different person now, and I can allow myself to create a different experience in this marriage. But sometimes it's pain inside of marriage. Maybe there has been infidelity. Maybe there's been something that really destroyed your trust. And then you had to ask yourself, am I willing to heal in this relationship? Can I put this past experience behind me? Because in that painful response inside of your marriage, you have to decide one of two things. You either have to kick out the pain or kick out the partner. Because if you think it's going to be any different holding distrust, you're lying to yourself. You're going to have to completely decide to get rid of that pain. I'm going to let that go. I'm not going to bring it up again every time my mind wants to go there. I'm going to allow myself to go to what I have now, which is a trust relationship, and get rid of that pain. Or if you can't get rid of that pain, then get rid of the partner. Because it will always come up again and again. But you get to make that decision. But pain does not have to be in your marriage, my friend. God can get rid of that. He can put it as far away as the east is from the West. If you decide to allow him to do that work to become that next version of you that enjoys sex in your marriage. But there's a second hidden reason why you're not having more sex. Hey there, buddy. It's Hannah here. And I want to just remind you, make sure you're inside the crazy Blessed Clip club when you enroll. You get a copy of my book, Crazy blessed nine steps to a not so normal Life. And honey, you do not want to be living normal. You are so much better than that. You also get my monthly calendar, a calendar that's illustrated by me, full of really cool things you can do with your family and things to help you stay on track. And every single month, my handdrawn newsletter, full of word based encouragement to help you get keep going and to help you live a life that's blessed like crazy. All of this, the book, the monthly newsletter, and the monthly calendar. You get all of it for only a dollar. Yeah, that's one dollar, one time fee. And you get it all and it just keeps on coming. And I'm pretty sure you probably have this sitting around in your car right now. And I also have a dog that you can take too, so never mind. I'm going to keep him. The second reason you're not having more sex is simply because you're not enjoying it. It's not a trauma response. It's simply, I'm not having fun. I'm bored. This isn't exciting for me. But what if you, not anyone else, but you, could take 100% responsibility for your pleasure? Pleasure? Hannah, that doesn't seem like something I should really pursue. Like, I need to be, you know, industrious person and I need to check off boxes and I need to do the right thing. Yes, doing the right thing means you are experiencing extreme pleasure in your life. That's why God designed sex not just so we could get pregnant, have babies, but so we would continue to pursue each other and enjoy it. So check this out. In Psalm 16:11, it says, you make known to me the path of life. In your presence, there is fullness of joy. At your right hand are pleasures forevermore. Yes, friend. God wants you to experience pleasure in your marriage. Pleasure having sex. And if you think that God's not all about pleasure, then just go camp out in Song of Solomon for a little bit. That is erotic, my friend. I remember the first time I found that book in my Bible. I was like, did other people know what this is here? And I'm just reading it. Whoo. Hot. In Song of Solomon. Seven, six, eight. How beautiful you are. And how pleasant my love was. Such delight. Your stature is like a palm tree. Your breasts are clusters of fruit. I said I will climb the palm tree and take hold of its fruit. Slow down, Solomon. We get it. Everything's. Everything's hot here. You're all heated up. All right, all right, guys. Sex is good, and it's designed for our pleasure. So one reason may be you're just bored. You're not enjoying it. There are three things you can do about this, but the first is allow pleasure in your life. First of all, decide pleasure is not a bad thing. Pleasure is fun. Pleasure is enjoyable. And I am created by God to experience pleasure, allow pleasure. Can you do that? I know that seems like a pretty simple task, but for some people, it can be pretty challenging. Can I allow pleasure? We think our lives have to be hard. We think it has to be. We have to endure stuff. We think, you know, that we just have to put our nose to the grindstone, right? But God wants us to have abundant lives. And an abundant life means pleasure is a necessary part of that. Don't neglect this, my friend. Your mind and your body is designed to pursue pleasure. So, number one, allow pleasure. And once you've allowed it in your life, you're like, you know what pleasure is? Okay, I can experience pleasure. Then number two. Desire. Pleasure. Desiring is different from allowing. Allowing pleasure means I give myself permission to experience pleasure. Desiring pleasure means now that I've given myself permission, I can want it. Can you want pleasure in your life? Absolutely. You can. You can want that. And once you want it and you desire it, then the third step is create pleasure in your life. This is one thing that I find a lot of people, especially women, have difficulty around, is creating pleasure. Pleasure. So if you could take 100% responsibility for your pleasure. That means my husband's not responsible. No one else is responsible. I'm responsible to create pleasure in my life. All of a sudden, you start to pursue pleasure. Simple things like, I want my coffee at the perfect temperature. I want to get a bouquet of flowers just for myself. Think about how you can stick sensually, experience desire and create pleasure in your life. Visual pleasure, a bouquet of flowers, tasting pleasure, the perfect temperature in a cup of coffee. All of these little things appeal to your senses. Now, sometimes we get busy, right? As a mom of seven, I can tell you that we get busy, and then we tend to neglect pleasure. But then we just become shallow. We become just a workhorse. And you're so much more than that. This life is so beautiful. It's so amazing. And God wants you to experience all of it. So start to pursue pleasure in your life by creating the perfect thing. And that means your sex life as well. What if during sex, you just allowed yourself to create pleasure? Really focus on allowing my body to feel. Feel pleasure. Sometimes we distance ourselves from pleasure. We do this unconsciously because we think everything has to be productive. But sex is productive because pleasure is a way to enhance our lives. It helps our reduce our stress level. It helps increase our focus. It gives us more optimum enjoyment. We have more energy. So understand, pleasure can be part of a very healthy, productive life. So can you take the responsibility to pursue pleasure? I create it. I can focus and allow my body to tell me what feels good and what doesn't feel good. And I can speak up, become a participant in the entire sexual experience. Not just an object in it, but a participant, a creator. What feels good, what doesn't feel good, what can you create? Allow your imagination to go wild here, because this is your domain, believe me. Sex inside a marriage, no holds barred, anything goes. God smiles on the union of a man and a woman in that married context. So allow yourself to be creative here and explore each other. Now, the third hidden reason is you have no desire. Basically, I don't want to. Friend, are you experiencing a time in your life when you're like, if I never had sex again, that would be perfectly fine? No, it's not not perfectly fine. We have to go and do the mental work and go into the mindset that is creating this energy of zero desire. Now, this can also be biochemical. Don't neglect this and don't diminish this. Sometimes hormone levels get totally out of whack. So maybe it would be helpful. First of all, just go and see a doctor. Go get a complete blood panel, go check and make sure your hormone levels are okay. I am not a doctor. I don't pretend to know anything about this. But I do know that hormones are the way that your body talks to itself. So if there's no desire, it could be as simple as my hormone levels are off. But once you scratch that off, get it checked out, make sure hormone levels are good, then you can go to the next area, say, okay, if my hormone levels are okay, then why do I not desire this? Could it be stress? Could it be depression? Could it be physical exhaustion? Friend, when these kind of things happen, all we want to do is collapse in bed. There's no energy left to want to desire sex. So think about this. Can you create a life where you can experience abundance all throughout the day. Do you have to carry stress? Do you feel like you're. You're almost wearing a badge of honor or when you are carrying stress through your life? I know as a mom, this frequently comes up is we stress a lot about our families, about our careers, about money, about our home, about everything else going on in our world. And that stress can start to invade all areas of our life, including our marriage. So protect your marriage by managing your stress. And you know what? I'm going to go so far as to say you don't even have to manage your stress. You can obliterate it. You can live without stress, absolutely. But don't think that stress is a necessary part of your life. It's not. Depression does not need to be a necessary part of your life. Neither does exhaustion. You don't have to burn the candle at both ends. You don't have to get through the day fatigued and exhausted. It seems like everywhere I go, people today are just saying they're busy, busy, busy, Busy doing what? Creating a life or just managing it? Because you're supposed to be creating this. And yes, creating pleasure in your marriage is part of this creation process. So think about, can you enjoy having sex more often by just kicking stress out of your life? The reason you don't want to is you don't have the energy. Nothing wrong with that. It's understandable. But we can take authority over this because stress is just a nice little word, nice little label we've given fear. And fear has no place in your life because fear comes directly from the enemy. He comes to steal, kill and destroy. Jesus said, I have come that you may have life in abundance to the full till it overflows. That's John 10:10. He came that you would have an abundant life. Abundance means pleasure is included. So can you allow yourself to pursue pleasure and allow yourself take authority over your life and over your mind in such a way that you will not let stress, fear, exhaustion, despair step in in any way. Because when it does, it affects everything else. It affects how you are in your marriage. It affects how you parent. It affects how you manage your care. It affects everything. Don't let the devil take your marriage. Don't let him take anything in your life by getting inside your head and creating fear. Fear has no place in your life, not when you have Jesus in your heart. So we know the three hidden reasons why we're not having more sex. Past trauma. Maybe we have no desire for it, or maybe we're just bored we don't want to. Okay. Understand that that can limit it. So what can we do about it? Well, the first thing is we make a decision to create a dream marriage. And it's as simple as that. You can decide to manage a hard marriage or create a dream marriage. And that's where we set the vision. We put the vision before us. Just like the Bible says, I can create a dream marriage. What would a dream marriage look like? What would your sex life look like? The dream sex life? Really sit down and imagine it. And that's where you start creating it. Then make a decision. And this is possible, and this is what I'm going to pursue. The second thing is to be willing to explore your own intimacy struggles. Now, I know this may seem simple, but it's not. Because when we struggle with things, what our mind does is we push it away, we stuff it down. And friend, if you're not having more sex in your marriage, you know that's. That's a struggle for you, then there probably is something you've been pushing down for so long that now you're just shut the door on that area of your life. You don't have to do that. So be willing to open up with all the compassion towards yourself, all the love, all the grace. Be willing to say, this is something that I struggle with, and open yourself up to do the work. Write down what you believe about it. How can you change this? What truth do you know about God that can help you go into a more intimate relationship? Because remember, intimacy does require trust. If we have trust issues, we're always going to have intimacy issues. And we have intimacy issues. Guess what? Our sex life. Absolutely. So be willing, with all the love and compassion towards yourself, be open up to any of the struggles you're going through. And know that this is not here to stay. This is here to go. I'm going to look at it, I'm going to process it, and yes, I'm going to defeat it. And now the third thing we can do is get help. Friend, your marriage should be so hot and spicy and sexy that you can't keep your hands off each other. So if it's not, if you desire to have more sex, if you'd like to have that as an active and encouraging and a beautiful part of your marriage, then get help. There are people who can help you through the mindset, through the processes, and there are programs. I have a program called Marriage Kitchen. My husband Blair and I created an entire program, eight modules. We go deep into all of this. Not just how to create a rock star marriage, but also making sure that you're enjoying having sex. That's an important foundational part of your marriage. Don't neglect this anymore. You can get help starting today. You can go to marriagekitchen.com and get help right now in this area. So you don't have to, like, neglect it anymore. You don't have to be that person. It's like, if I don't ever have sex, that's totally fine. No, it's not. You and I both know that sex is created by God for you to enjoy and for you to make a solid part of your marriage. When you do, embrace this in your marriage and allow yourself to explore this and be able to really enjoy sex in your marriage. I am telling you, friend, you and your marriage is going to be blessed like crazy. And guess what? It has nothing to do with you wearing anything like this. It has nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with you wearing one of these.