EP009: 3 (Kinda) Tips To An Awesome Marriage

Hey, Mama Hannah here now. I've got a guest that I'm bringing on our podcast today. It's not just me. I've got my husband, too, because we are going to find out what makes a marriage work. Here's the big question. How are these average, everyday moms getting radical results in their lives? How are they able to transform their health, money, families, homes, and have fun doing it? The trick? We're not average. I'm Hannah Keeley, and I'm going to spill our secrets and answer your questions right now in that mom show. All right, guys, we're going to find out what makes a marriage work. And honestly, sometimes we don't even know. So we would like to say, like, here are your five tips on how to make a marriage work. So we're just going to pretend that we're numbering these, and we're going to give you our wisdom right now because our marriage is pretty rock solid. And we've been married how many years? Four, five?

Almost 27.

27. Okay. So 27 years. And I think really secret number one is you have to wear matching hoodies. I just realized we both have on. We both have on black hoodies, of course. Mine says, mom Mastery University.

My hat says.

And his hat says mom Master University. So we want to give you some practical help on how to make a marriage work. And I would say if someone were saying, okay, I need. I have, like, this much time. I need to know how to make a marriage work, I would say it. One of the main secrets. We'll just say, number one, okay. Is 100% selfless.

Yeah.

And, like, we haven't scripted this or anything. We haven't, like, planned it or anything like that, but because I always like to be, like, totally natural.

That's why you're talking mostly and not me. Because I'm sitting here rapidly thinking about.

What I'm supposed to say, and I.

Just talk, and you just talk.

So I want to talk about that being selfless thing, because I think one of the. When I see marriages mess up, someone has. Ego has always entered the picture. You know what I mean?

Yep. Yeah. It's kind of like where your own self interest takes precedence over your spouse's. And sort of a reluctance to let that go for a moment or let that go for, you know, during a conversation or a decision that's being made can often, you know, create log jams and walls that are.

What's a log jam? I've never heard that term when all.

The logs get jammed up and things don't progress.

I immediately thought, like, constipation or something.

Well, I.

Okay.

That'S another way to think about it, I think. But that's perhaps a different podcast when.

You let yourself enter the picture.

Yeah.

Like, basically, it has nothing to do with you.

Right.

And when you start thinking, well, my needs are not getting met, you really need to turn the tables and say, am I. Am I really earnestly trying to meet their needs, their real needs? Like, their needs may not be your needs.

Right.

Like, he needs. He has. His needs are very different from mine. I need excitement. I need spontaneity. I need adventure.

Constant activity.

Constant activity. He needs to sit by the fire with his cup of tea and his dog by his side.

I don't have a fire here right now.

I know, I know. I'll be your fire.

Beautiful view. I'll take that.

Yeah, there's beautiful view, but. So you might be thinking, well, you're not meeting my needs, but you have to meet their needs. You have to make sure their needs are actually even on your radar, you know?

Yeah. So we, you know, we'll. On my side. You know, I'll look for opportunities to. And again, it's going out of my comfort zone. But look for places where we can do something unusual. Like, do you want to. We need to go over to the park and do a hike this week.

Yeah, like. Like, we're going. He would be totally cool not going to the park for a hike. That's not.

That's not the thing I would do on a weekend. But now we're gonna go on a hike this weekend.

And then I'm like, hey, can I get your tea for you?

Yeah.

Can I tuck you in with this nice blanket?

Right. Or, you know. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. Or I wanna, like, he likes his bedtime. And you make it sound like I'm four. Oh, baby, I'm so proud of you. But you know, to make. He loves to, like, sit and watch, like, a BBC episode. And I'm like, I. I'm totally cool with that.

You do too.

I do. You're right. I think something else that came to mind, and I think that's number one, is you have. You have to get ego out of the picture. And they. You need to focus on not necessarily, like, meet their needs, but what I'm saying is just know their needs. Like, some people don't even know their partners well enough to know their needs. I think another thing is you really do. This is number two, is you are all the time training the other person on how you should be treated. This is what I mean by that. Some, and I know maybe not as much with men, but I noticed that some women have very negative perceptions of themselves and they are inadvertently sending out that energy of, I don't deserve to be treated like a queen. I don't deserve compliments. I don't, you know, deserve a night away. And then they get frustrated that they're not getting it. And if you are constantly putting yourself down and if you think, if your confidence is suffering, first of all, get inside Mom Master University and let's get that confidence boosted. But if your confidence is suffering, you're sending this subliminal message, this energy. Like, no, I don't, I don't deserve good treatment. Just, you know, I'm a doormat, whatever. Because that's what you're saying. Do you. I don't know if men suffer with. Well, I mean that as much.

Men probably don't talk about it quite as much, but sure, I mean, self confidence is something that you see people struggling with, you know, you know, through friends or through our church or even at work where you, you know, men that I'll interact with, I can tell instantly if they don't, if they have a low self esteem, low self value, not confident about their capabilities or abilities and whatever it is that we are either discussing or working on. And it really, you know, I can see that being something that would deteriorate respect and sort of, you know, a sort of happy coexistence with your spouse. I mean, it's just you would be.

You're not showing up.

Yeah, you're definitely not showing up. If you're not showing up for yourself, then you're not gonna be showing up for your spouse or your kids. It just won't happen.

And I noticed that when you were suffering, when that spell where you were unemployed and you didn't have a job, like you were so down on yourself. It was hard for me to like really boost him because his whole energy was so negative toward himself that.

You.

Just don't even realize that you're absorbing the same energy. Like you start feeling negative toward them.

Right.

Like I started feeling negative towards you because that's the whole vortex. There was like no self worth.

There was nothing positive. But in that, you know, again, probably a different podcast is putting, you know, your self worth in the wrong places.

But gotta be Jesus, y'.

All. Yeah, but the sort of the coming back around to marriage and relationship there, self confidence, you know, self confidence is so important to make a stronger relationship because it Just shows that. That your spouse is a. You have come together with somebody that really loves life and loves who they are and thus loves me and loves my family. And whether you're an introvert or an extrovert, it is sort of an extrovert's kind of way of showing that you are how strong you are and confident you are. So I think it's, you know, you see it in men. They just don't. They don't bring it up and talk about it quite as much. But you do see.

But men do struggle with that.

Yeah, they do. I mean, that's what I'm saying is that it's out there, you'll see it. And sometimes they have a harder time bringing it to the surface as an issue.

They do. So how can a woman help a man in that area? Like, if a man is struggling with self worth? Because there's so much on men, like, so it's going back to as the, you know, as the, as the man, as the king. There's so much, like, if you're not showing up and if you're not performing, you start to feel really negative. Like, how can a woman come alongside and help their man?

My feeling is, point one, what we were talking about. I mean, looking for ways to be selfless and look for the things that they like and the things that they are about. I mean, if you are. I mean, you're married to this guy, you've been together for at least a little while, you know a little bit about what they're likes and dislikes are and finding a moment to lift them up in a place where they are comfortable, in a place that they feel more worthy and boosting them.

Like, words of affirmation are so important. Being there for them, not judging and not. Maybe they don't want to hear what they need to do. Maybe they just need to hear that you believe in them and that's enough to go back out there and fight one more day.

Absolutely.

That second point about how you're training someone on how to treat you, I would definitely say also that confidence is contagious. And when you are excited about life and you. Here's the hard truth that a lot of moms don't want to admit is you don't need your man to boost you to feel confident. Like, a lot of women are like, but he makes me feel like, you know, like, like he just, he just nags me and he doesn't encourage me and he doesn't think I'm sexy. You don't, you don't need. I mean, it would be nice to have a man to always boost you, but, girl, you've got the spirit of God in you. Like, you have got to be enough. And this is for men, too. You have got to be enough so that you are so confident in who you are. And that confidence is sexy and it's contagious. And you should be able to, like, change the atmosphere when you walk into a room. And it doesn't rely on if your man appreciates you or not. It relies on if you appreciate you or not. And that boils down to that inner mom. You got to get that work straight. So that's. That's what we do inside mmu, too. If you're not inside Monash University, girl, you better get in. So what else makes our marriage, like, so awesome? Because we. We. I'm not. I'm not making this up. I'm not lying to you. How many times have we argued?

We don't. We don't argue. I mean, we have. We have conversations where we have differing points of view, but there's a level.

How many times have we fought?

Never.

Fought Never. Like, never. And I would love to say this is the key, but really, it boils down to that selflessness and that confidence in who you are. Like, you've got to bring a hundred, one hundred and ten percent to the table. It's not a fifty, fifty Thing is you bring everything. And that. That way if you're bringing 110, if your man shows up at 5% that day, it doesn't matter because you've already brought everything to the table. Right. Like, same thing with you. Like, some days I'm. I struggle, and he steps up and he's like, all right, this. Today's on me now.

Right?

So. So what? So we have to think of. Of another tip, because it's always like, 1, 2, 3. So what's tip number three?

Well, you said. You said more than that, but, yeah, we have.

We have gone into more. But, you know, I like, like numbers and bullet points and stuff like that. So what's number three? Number three, Keep the intimacy alive.

Yeah.

And he's saying, yeah, like, I don't want to go into that. No, don't let me talk about it.

You always go there. Whenever I get on a video every.

Let's talk about sex, baby. Let's talk about you and me. No, but you got to keep that intimacy alive. And I think. I just think that so ties back into that confidence, because I don't know about men. But I know moms and moms, sometimes our bodies change and we don't feel. We don't feel sexy. We're focusing on our fat rolls and our stretch marks and our varicose veins, and we let all that garbage come into play. Like, do you ever notice my stretch marks? Do you ever notice the fat rolls? No, they don't care. No, no, that's not like they. They just. When you are confident and you're more keyed up about your body and more like in this weird body vortex, no one. No one cares except you. So when you put out again that energy, our dogs just ran out. Then you're putting. You're. You're pushing the intimacy away. And it's so cool, because in the Garden of Eden, they were naked and unashamed. And the curse brings that shame back. But Jesus has, you know, he came to relieve us of the curse. We're not under the curse anymore. We're under the new Covenant, so there's no shame in that. And when you show up and just like your. It's not about you. And that ties into, number one, it's not about you. It's about you. Just. I want to be as close as possible to you, and I want to just. I'll just love you completely. It's not. You can't be selfless in that area either.

Nope, you cannot.

And you have to be open and honest about. Maybe you have some drawbacks and maybe things like. I think communication is key.

Yeah, well, absolutely. It is. I mean, if there are. I mean, that goes into, you know, even sort of the intimacy side of it. You know, there are certain things that. That you. You know, that you like about your relationship and other things that, you know, maybe, you know, your spouse is, you know, like something, and it's nothing that you're really that interested in being open and honest about that and not trying.

To, like, dressing like the cop and the robber, like, talking about. You weren't into that. Joking you weren't.

You never did that.

Yeah. Remember we fought over who's gonna be the cop? Okay. No, but really, like, be able to communicate without any judgment, too. Like, so.

I mean, some people, you know, might not, like, you know, touchy feely, you know, sitting by the. You know, on the couch, watching a movie and rubbing your neck or rubbing your back or any of that kind of stuff.

That's amazing.

Yeah. I mean, so both Hannah and I really like that, and that's always something. That's very nice. But, you know, I think about my oldest Daughter, you know, if you start to give her a neck rub or something like that, she'll push away. That's not her thing. She's not into that. So, I mean, it's just kind of a. People are different that way. So being open and communicating about that, she, you know, does that with her, with her. Her boyfriend knows very much that she's not a cuddly, you know, touchy feely type of a personality. And he understands that she's communicated that to him. And their relationship is fantastic. Just because he knows that's. That's an area that's not really that cool to her.

And also your partner, your spouse, just, you need to help them know how to love you. So when you're able to communicate, you know, I'm really not into this, but you know what? I love it when you just like, when you just like play with my hair or I love it when you just, you know, whatever it is, like whatever your preference is, like when you're open and honest about that, you help your partner know how to love you better. And that is, that's awesome. Like I, that's like fuel for the relationship is knowing not only like what the needs of your partner is, but what their preferences are, how to, how to love them more. All right, cool. We got three there.

Well, three and a little bit more.

Yeah, a little bit more. We love you guys. So also let me know if you have any questions. Go to. Well, you know, go to Hannah. Help me calm. But I'm here for you. We're here for you. We love you.

They're in Mom Master University.

Yes, check out Mom Master University.

Gotta get in there.

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