From Mom Guilt to Mom POWER w/ Special Guest Elena Cardone! 🎉

So do you ever see someone who is a mom and you just see her, she is rocking it, like she's making it look so good. And then you go deeper and you actually find out she actually is rocking it. She actually is doing a really great job. Well, I've got a special guest today, one of my dear friends. She is incredible and she is a woman of principle. So I'm so happy that I get to bring to you Elena Cardone. She is an incredible author. I read her book. Actually, I heard her book because I got the audio version of her book, Building an Empire. And I think she's responsible for me breaking speed limit so many times because she got me so fired up. So I love that about her. And she's going to be here with us on the Hannah Keeley Show. Elena, you do, girl. You inspire me so much.

Oh, thank you so much. Don't be blaming me for speeding tickets, though.

But you get me excited like you. You are such a voice that I think moms need to hear today. And I think we hear too many voices of like, you know, take it easy. You don't need to work too hard. You need, like, all the little cultural things that make us, I think, demoralize our position as moms, like, you know, just a mom. And we had to just keep things, you know, at a level pace. That's not you. You're like, come on, let's rock this thing.

Oh, for sure. There's just so much power I've learned in being a mother. It wasn't always my viewpoint. Earlier in my life and career, I thought it was actually a setback to be a mom and that you would be sort of less desirable to society and less of a value. And nothing could be further from the truth. So I've embraced that role. I'm proud of that role. I don't always feel like I'm rocking it in that world or in that role, but, but I've had some epiphanies along the way and, and, and, and, and as an overall grade I give myself, I'm definitely rocking it.

I love that. Yes, you definitely are. And this is one thing I wanted to ask you is if you could go back to your younger self as a new mom, what would you tell yourself now that you didn't know then?

I would tell myself as a new mom back then that to really appreciate that role, I'm not sure I did. In my, when I was a brand new mother, I felt like I was just a mom. I felt like I had lost myself it was the first time I had come out of the workforce. I didn't feel like I could be at a party and say I'm just a mom or I'm a mom without feeling an embarrassment and like somehow degraded because of that. And I'm ashamed to admit that those were my feelings. So I would have told myself, own this role and be super proud of it and cherish every moment and grant yourself some rights and to be able to experience motherhood in a way where I can appreciate it all and know that it's not forever. It's a very small moment in time. They're going to have, have more rights and more independence and you won't be given the baths and the this and having to walk them around. And where at one point it felt like I had no life, you know, if I would have just known, hey, that's temporary and it's self leading and really just appreciate every single aspect of that moment without feeling like, oh, I have to do or be something else.

Yeah. Like what you're saying right now. I feel like so many moms have to validate their position as a mom because, you know, we get a lot of self worth in the validation and that whole idea of, of shame around motherhood. I think it's a, it's a, it's a trend. It's something that I see a lot of moms, like we have to like do a little bit more. Like we have to like somehow like get our social media going or somehow volunteer or somehow we just. It's not enough to just be, be a mom. And so I love that you would go back to yourself and say, you know, just really own it, step up to it. And what you're saying about that critical, about that like temporary state, right about like we, you know, it's a very brief moment. We think in the middle of it, it's going to last forever. But it's such a brief moment. But it's critical.

It's so critical and it can be exhausting and your patience being around a child for. I remember I noticed around the five hour mark I would, I would feel like I would, I would start to snap a little bit and so I would start to kind of put things into place to kind of give me a moment to myself or a break. Could somebody come in at that moment for even an hour? Can I have sort of a moment to, to reset for the benefit of my children and for myself instead of hating myself or you know, getting beyond that moment and having the little snap moment where you get irritated or you kind of, you lose your patience and then as a mom feel, oh, guilty or oh, that wasn't perfect or right or I shouldn't have done this or that. I mean, I suffer tremendously from, from those feelings.

So what would you say to a mom who is suffering from that right now? They feel like, you know, how I showed up yesterday, I snapped at my kids, or I was like really rude to my husband, or I just like feeling that constant mom guilt. I mean, come on, mom guilt, it's so prevalent today. So what would you say to that mom who is feeling some of that?

So the thing is, is it's really when I learned the cognition of motherhood. For, for me, one of the things that I felt guilty about was.

All.

The stuff that we're talking about. And, and I came to realize, look, I'm here. My role is to create an environment, a distraction free environment where my children can learn and flourish and prosper and have the rights to, to make mistakes, understand the boundaries, be able to flourish and prosper. I don't need them to like me to determine my self worth. And that's what I was kind of doing. Once I no longer had work to validate me, I was kind of looking at my kids to validate me. And then when I would have to impose the rules or this or that, I felt guilty or oh, they don't like me or like having to acquiesce to them. And once I really realized my role is not I will be their friend no matter what, but I don't need to be their friend. Like they're not my friend because they're not my friend, they're my daughters. So for me to want them to be my friend is an inappropriate ask of, of them. Because you're my friend. My friends support me, they love me, they hold me accountable. Also, I could talk to my friends about adult conversations or content and be able to have a discussion to figure out betterment. I'm not putting my adult problems on my kids.

Right. That's so good. No, that is so good.

I'm there to support them, not them support me. I, I need to go get my own friends. So that alleviated a lot of guilt. And when I have to sort of enforce the rules now, I don't enforce rules if they don't know the rules of engagement. So if they made a mistake but were never told why or educated or explain the consequences of, then they get a free pass. It's my job to tell them, hey, we don't do that or this is the way we do, you do it again, I'm not even going to be mad at you. I'm just. You just, you're. These are the consequences. The phone gets taken away, this, that. But you're here to learn on your own. And these are the guidelines. But within the guidelines you can play freely. So for me, really being able to self enhance and self improve helped with mom guilt, implementing systems that help me. For me, my calf was around the five hour mark. At the five hour mark I'm calling in, hey, Grant, you take them for a ride in the car or you take them to the park or maybe I have somebody that can help me do that. I didn't have a whole lot of help in the beginning. We really couldn't sustain it financially and it was something I wanted to do on my own, which may have been another mistake. But regardless, it's learning from where you're snapping, how you can set up yourself to win and succeed, and how you can put in your own policies to not be offensive. Like, I was really tired. We all were. We just took this amazing trip to Paris and on the way there, there were some, some grouchiness and some attitudes. I, you know, secretly felt like, you know, okay, maybe they're being ungrateful right now. And I kind of wanted to lash out, but I knew that wasn't going to help. It was going to exacerbate the situation. So I just got up from the, from the, the, the restaurant table and took a little walk and came back and they were like, where did you go? I got like five texts from them and, and you know, and I said, oh, I just went for a little walk, you know, and, and it turned out to be successful because in the past I may have been tempted to snap and then regret it by saying something like, you know, you're not appreciative. And that's an evaluation. Like, why would you evaluate your children like that and label them? And, and, and, and, and I want my kids to be confident and feel good and, and not feel bad about themselves. Especially being told something by a parent, that's an assessment of who they are. So I feel like that was a win in that situation because I had come up with a policy previously based on a mistake I had made, where I just now decided, I'm going to go silent, I'm going to go take a walk, I'm going to handle myself and my thoughts and, and my tongue, and then I'm going to come back when I feel Calm and analytical and not reactive. And that worked for me.

And it worked.

It worked. And the rest of the trip was amazing. And all we needed was food and sea. You know what I mean?

Food does miraculous things for moms and kids.

Yes. And as soon as we ate, we were laughing. And I was so happy that I won in that moment. Because you won.

That's so important for moms. And I think often because we have a tendency to push ourselves and stretch ourselves beyond that mark. Right. We will drop into the emotion. And now we're starting to play our kids game instead of playing our game. And I always believe raising my seven kids, if I can just stay one step ahead, one plane higher, you know, that's going to help me get through whatever the day holds, whatever the challenge I face, as long as I can do my growth. And I think that's one thing that a lot of moms have to recognize is we can't grow a family further than we can grow ourselves. And that's one thing I so admire about you and Grant is you're always pushing further into your own growth. And when you're sharing with me some of these strategies around how you build your family is also around how you built an empire and having things in place, having clear communication, having a certain, here's our conduct, here's how we live, and understanding there's consequences for things. I think what you've created, you and Grant, what you've created for your family is almost like a success template, just like you're doing for your business. And I think a lot of moms, if they lean into that and really listen right now to what you're saying, it could be like if I don't, if I'm having a problem, maybe I just don't have the system to support the solution.

You know, that's right. And that's. That's what, you know, that's what I wish I would have known or told myself from the get go instead of having to be now they're 13 and 15 and figuring these things out in the systems. I wish I had these systems streamlined more from the beginning of.

But do you think every mom can really look back and say, well, yes, I wish I would have done things differently. Like, how do you move forward if you do hold, like a lot of guilt around? Maybe you didn't grow enough. Maybe you didn't know what you were doing. Maybe you put a lot of your problems on your children. How can we get out of that guilt and start getting into the growth?

Well, I Mean, it's a decision. The guilt is what good is it going to do you? I mean, you can experience it, just acknowledge it internally or whatever you need to do, but just continue to take the steps of, okay, well, I no longer want to behave in that manner, so I'm going to change it going forward. And when you changing going forward and you start to have wins in the area and competency and certainty over time, you are going to feel better about yourself. And you know, you can't change the past. You can make up the damage. You can figure it out. You can. And making up the damage doesn't have to come in the form of propitiation, like giving a bunch of gifts or this. Like we saccharine make up the damage by however you need to make, going above and beyond what's expected for the good of the relationship or, you know, the kids or. I mean, I've made mistakes. I can't feel guilty about it. I mean, I wish I wouldn't have done any working on my career. I wish I would have been more full time. I wish I wouldn't have been on my phone when they were kids and trying to get my attention or I wish I would have spent more nights in bed with them rather than making them go to sleep and stay in their own room. And you know, I mean, there were times when I was great in it and there were times where I was like, no, stay in your room. You know, and yeah, and I regret all of that. But, you know, what's, what, what good is that going to do me now? It's just, you know, it's, I think.

We have to also have a lot of compassion with ourselves because when you think about it, we're really all figuring this thing out, you know, and today everyone's got a viewpoint about what, what it means to be a mom, what it means to have a family and how we instill values in them. But what do you think, like in our current, I mean, we could talk forever about our current culture and the things that are going wrong and how we can change that. But how do you think you as a mom are raising your kids differently today that, that you're really happy about?

I'm really happy that I'm raising our kids to have a very strong foundation in family and family values. And what does it mean to be a team and what does it look like to help each other achieve our goals and our dreams? And how do you explain things in a way where they can have reality on why you're doing certain Things, however, also running by them, that on certain things, it's going to be my way. And if I find out it was a mistake, in hindsight, I'm willing to deal with that, but I'm not in negotiations with them. So I tell them, hey, I give you so much room. I never say no unless I have to. And if. And. And if I have to, this is why, and this is my logic. They'll disagree and try to convince me. And I'm like, but that's final. And I don't care if you don't like me over it. You know, I give you as much freedom as I possibly can, and I'm not trying to control you or ruin your life, but on this circle, you know, So I try to balance it with the right amount of reality. I feel like my parents were incredible. It was just a different era. Like, for us, there was no negotiations. It was, you're eating at this time or you're not eating. You're in here at this time. Don't ask questions. And because I said so, you know, it was. It's just a completely different time where I feel. You know, I feel like kids don't realize today how lucky they have it, especially in a world that I think more so now. We're reared to believe we can have as much independence and we don't need the counterpart. And, you know, the divorce rate is so extremely high. And I'm not saying it's wrong. Certainly there are circumstances that warrant that. But I do believe that most people are giving up too easily because something gets difficult or hard and they're not committed enough in a relationship that could have been really healthy had it been properly addressed. But the instantaneous gratification of, I want to get out because it's hard and is too easy for people these days. So I'm happy that we're raising our children, too. And Grant and I are becoming better at being more aligned and on the same page. And the. What I'm learning is the more that we are, and the kids can't come between us because it's us and what we say, and they can't wiggle in to, you know, kind of try to manipulate for control, which is all natural. I'm not calling my kids manipulative. It's natural.

It's natural.

Kids, do I want the ice cream? Mom says, no, I'm going to go to dad. What if Dad's like, what did your mom say? No? And they see they can't break it. Ultimately, the kids are happier for it, kids want to see their parents fortified. They want to, they feel stable and secure with predictability. And when they see their parents aligned, it gives them comfort and relaxed feeling rather than shaky grounds of our mom and dad getting a divorce. Are they fighting? They're a little intense. I, you know, what side am I taking? It's destabilizing.

That's so true. Like, I find most kids just, no matter the age, they desire structure. They really do. They're like give structure in their home, structure in the family. Because then like you said, they're more relaxed. They, they know what to expect. They have that comfort level. And what you're telling me about, you know, too many people today just kind of like push the out button. Like it just got hard. So. And I think I'd love to address that because I do see there's a risk today. I don't, I don't know if you see this or not on raising people, raising adults really who are just so quick to give up. Yes, those are my dogs who are big. They sound, they are big dogs. But there is a risk on raising people who gravitate toward comfort instead of character. And I like, I love how you're raising your girls because even that idea of entitlement, I don't think we can be entitled with stuff. I think we're entitled through our belief system around what hardship is and struggle avoidance and things like that. But to help our kids understand. No, like, you're capable of doing really hard things. I believe in you.

Right.

I just say that's something that I see you doing. And what do you think is, why are more people, why aren't more moms raising their kids to be able to do harder things, to be able to push through struggle.

Well, you know, I made it a practice to never speak on behalf of anyone else. Certainly I don't have the answers. I can only imagine that, you know, there's a lot of things that we're, we're dealing with today. There's women, there's a lot of single women out there that have kids, single moms. And it's hard. You're trying to provide for them. You're, you're pulled in so many directions. You want to give your kids the life that you didn't have. Perhaps there's a guilt that there's not another partner there. So you're trying to overcompensate and make their lives easier. There's a number of different, you know, maybe it's, you know, this will sound sexist and it's certainly. It's not in every case, and there's. There's exceptions to the rule, but, you know, it is important for a family to have the role of a mother and to have the role of the father. And there are different roles.

Yeah.

Typically speaking, Grant provides a different role than I do. You know, he was hurling the kids across the. You know, throwing them into the pillows, and I was terrified. But, like, he gives them that sense of fearlessness. And, you know, typically, as in generality, the guy is in there teaching you respect your mother, and, you know, you're not going to talk to her like this or that. And they kind of put in this. This sense of, you know, where, as, you know, with a mother, typically generically, not all mothers, but some of them, to teenage boys or young kids, feel like they can just barrel over their mother because, you know, what is she going to do? Come swat at them with the fly swatter? I mean, you know.

Yeah, yeah.

Not that I believe in any sort of mistreatment or hitting of kids, but there is, like, an authority there that I think the role of a father is very important in a child's life.

It is vital. I saw that you did with your girls. You did the shut up thing.

Yes.

That was so awesome.

Like, I was so worried.

I know for people who don't know what we're talking about, it was. It's a thing that's trending on social media on.

On TikTok. Shot up mom prank.

Shut up mom prank. Okay, so tell us. Tell us what you did.

So the Shut up mom prank. Sabrina came to me with it, and she. Grant was away in Dubai in the UAE for, I don't know, a week or two. And so she said we should do the shut up prank and let Papa, as we call him, let Papa think that, like, we just. Our relationship went to how while he was gone. And so she was gonna, like, I was gonna be talking and she would say, shut up, Mom. And she had to say it with enough kind of disrespect to elicit a reaction from him.

Right.

So she's never said anything like that to me, but I was like, she really wanted to do it. She showed me the videos. It was funny. I was nervous. I'm like, what if. And I told her, I said, well, what if he doesn't have a big reaction? You know, we've never hit you. We've never, like, punished them. They've had consequences. Take up your phone. But I've never punished my kids. You. You go stand in A corner you get like, we've never hit our kids. I don't, I don't believe in that.

Right.

And so I said, so he might have a different reaction than the TikTok videos where they, the parents really come at him aggressively. I said, because we don't do that. So I was nervous about his reaction. Right. Anyway, we pulled off the prank and he did stop stand up for me. So he passed my test. I was like, right on. He stood up for me and, and it was, it was really funny in the end. And so many people commented how horrible it was that we did that right when he got home and he was all jet lag. But we thought we were just so funny and timed it perfectly to make it believable.

That was so funny. I love that. And that he really like, you step up. And that's just the thing. And whether you're, you know, I understand, like a lot of, there's a lot of single moms out there that are really struggling with that balance. But you do need a family. And, and I just believe God will put people in your life too. Like when you're trying to navigate this thing by yourself as a single mom. He will, you know, God's good. He will, he will provide resources for us if we need that. But I love that idea. I know raising like you have daughters and I have sons and daughters. And so even navigating the sibling relationships of how to honor your sister and how in all of the, you know, those. Typically, I think today people would say it's stereotypical, but I believe there is. There's a very big difference between a male and a female and the roles and the energies and we can celebrate that and really help them understand how to navigate in the most powerful way possible. But what do you think that you're doing, like today? Like, what are some of the best decisions that you've ever made as a mom? Like, think back to ever since they were little growing up. I know they just hit their teen years, which is. That's a whole adventure, right?

Oh, yes, definitely. I think some of the best decisions that I've made is really coming up early on with what I said earlier. Just. You're never going to get punished. Punished have consequences.

Yeah.

Anything that you don't know, you did wrong. Because how does a two year old know not to write on the walls until they write on the walls? And why are you going to spank them or yell at them or criticize them when they were just trying to be an artist, trying to make the place beautiful for you. So I try to look at things from their point of view and validate them and then just explain to them, we don't write on the walls because you're an artist who knew Validating. They feel so good. They're trying to contribute. They're not trying, unless you're a bad parent, they're not trying to harm you, they're actually trying to contribute. They're trying to exchange with you. They're trying to give you something and make you happy, not ruin your life. And I think a lot of parents are confused by that. And I think I did that right where I'm like, okay, now, you know, we. An artist signs their paper, their art and we can hang it on the walls and we don't. I can't keep it now, I have to paint over it. And I did a lot of those things, right. And, and you know, I would tell if I had a helper, a nanny, you know, when they got a little bit older. Don't tell my kids. Be careful, be careful. I don't want careful kids.

Thank you. Thank you.

I wanted them extroverted. I said, you tell my kids, you see that pointed edge on the table? It will hurt if you fall on it. See, you see this? Touch it. That's there. So I wanted my kids to be aware of their surroundings and not be afraid. I never taught our kids not to talk to strangers because strangers are going to have everything they want in life. And I didn't want them to be afraid of people. It was my job as a parent to put them in a safe environment. And so I have to protect the environment and make it safe. I'm not gonna leave a knife out on the counter. It wouldn't be safe. I'm not gonna put them in an environment where they could be kidnapped or whatever. I'm gonna have somebody there or a security or myself. And therefore they could talk to anyone at the playground. Cause I'm right there. Because the truth of the matter is, is if somebody wanted to pick up a three year old, a five year old, a seven year old, they're going to pick them up no matter what they do in most cases because of the physical size of their bodies. So why terrorize the kids and put adult problems? Those are adult problems. I just did not want to put adult concepts and adult problems on the kids. It was my job to keep them safe and protected.

I love that so much. Like, I want everyone to just like tune in to this right here. Words of advice. No punishment, just consequences. Don't be careful and talk to strangers. Like you would think, is this. But if you think about it, let.

Me just add an addendum. When the kids got older, and I'm talking 10 and 12, I did at that point, you know, as their maturity level grew, I did take them and I'm. I'm a. I'm a shooter. And I had them train with the best, the number one in international, teach them how to shoot a firearm. They shot fire. They're very good. They are skilled at shooting firearms. And I took them to a scenario training course on how to prevent yourself from getting carjacked out of a seat. And so, you know, was it a little too early? I don't know. But they, they, they do have a little bit more awareness, but it was as they grew in age appropriateness.

Very, very good. I remember telling my kids, I don't want you to carry around this identity of having to be careful, because that also navigates decisions as you get older. You don't take risks, you don't do hard things. You don't push yourself to impossible limits because you're trying to be careful. And I always told my kids, don't be smart, be aware, don't be careful. Don't be full of care. Even the Bible tells us, cast your cares. Like, we're not supposed to be so careful. What we can do is, as parents, just like you said, equip them, inspire them, give them the area where they can.

I tell the kids, you know, I'm like, okay, it's my job to be a mom. There's this new trend going around where they put the fentanyl or whatever it is on the dollars, or they leave a note or they hand you a note in the grocery store. And I said, don't take anything from anyone. Don't touch. Don't pick up the hundred dollars. I will give you $100 to not pick up the $100. I'm like, if you do touch something and it's tingly, immediately you have about one minute to go get around people and get attention. Do not be afraid to be embarrassed or to look stupid, because after that, you're going to pass out and, you know, they could potentially take you. My kids are now 13 and 15. They can, they can understand. I mean, they've got the Internet and everything else, so it's just different times. But I will alert them of all of the things now. But when they were three and five, I was not terrifying them that they could get kidnapped from their parents.

Right, right. We don't want our kids to live in fear. And I love what you're doing for moms today. I just feel like you're really empowering them, giving them a sense of confidence and pride in their role as moms and I love that. So just wrapping it up, what is one just quick word of advice that you can tell a mom who is listening or watching today that you are.

Spectacular and that your role is the most important role in all of civilization because you are contributing to the continuation of mankind and I value you. And there's no job in the world, no amount of dollar in the world that a parent wouldn't pay for their own kids safety and well being. So to me it's the most crucial role in society and you are privileged enough to call yourself a mother, then own it and know that you have a whole sisterhood and a tribe behind you rooting you on to make the best decisions for the sanity of our future generation.

Love your wisdom and I love you. Alaina, thank you so much for joining us.

Oh absolutely. Thank you.

That was so much fun. And we are here to help you become a happier mom.