Healing Intimacy Anorexia: Transform Your Marriage with Special Guest Dr. Douglas Weiss

Okay. One thing I hear a lot from moms is their issues with intimacy. And this is one thing we like to hide. We don't always talk about it, especially in light of God's word and how God can heal that. But we're going there today, so make sure you buckle up, because we're going into this area that a lot of moms struggle with. But I believe that struggle is going to be over because I have a good friend with me, Dr. Doug Weiss, and he has the. He owns a heart to heart counseling center he's been in. He's been doing this for decades, y'.

All.

He understands this in a way that just having a conversation with him, I'm like, dude, we got to dig deeper into this. This is amazing. So you are here for a reason, and this is going to change your life. Doctor Doug, thank you so much for being here. And just your wisdom, even just sitting with you for. For the time that we had together when I was, you know, visiting daystar, your wisdom is just amazing. And I feel like the more I get, the more there is there. So thank you for being here and sharing with your expertise with us. And this one area, you have a book called Intimacy Anorexia. And as soon as you share that with me, I'm like, you have got to get on my show. This has got. We got to tell moms about this. So tell me a little bit about you. How did you start this and why this area?

Well, Hannah, I started this because I was working. I'm actually the president of the American association for Sex Addiction Therapy, and people fly into our dark counseling center to do intensives on sexual addiction. And what we found early in my career, I'm talking, like, over 35 years ago. I've been working now for 40 years with clients, is that so many of these couples were struggling with physical intimacy, but more importantly, emotional intimacy. And I actually discovered something the Lord showed me called intimacy anorexia. And we have a book on that called Intimacy. I'll show you real quick. We have the book, workbook, all of that. There's a dvd.

Amazing.

And there's also a whole set for women called Married and Alone. So if they feel married and alone, there's that. And there's also the Christian stuff called the Sin of Withholding. So. So if your man's, like, withholding intimacy from you, and he's a Christian, you get the sin of Withholding dvd, watch it with him, and he can really get convicted. But.

And a few nudges, right? Just, oh, no, no, no, no.

It's like the sin of withholding is like a lightning bolt. People who are withholding don't realize they're withholding. But you know, your show is about moms. Moms need, and I'm not talking about want. They need nurturing from their husbands. They were created in a way, kind of like the last creation in the garden was marriage, not woman. It was marriage. But that triune organism needs all three people pouring into each other. God pours into each one of us. We pour into each other and we pour into him. And now if any one of those things are not pouring into the other, it's right. It's like the oil in the engine, you don't get it. And there's more friction in the pistons. And moms, they absolutely need their husbands and to be spiritually and emotionally and even physically intimate with them. But they need the spiritual and emotional. That's the fuel for moms to be able to give to their kids, to pour into those children. Because when they come out of that parent role and they come into the lover wife role, the man is the lover husband. And he nurtures her, he celebrates her, he connects to her spirit, he prays with her, he shares his feelings, hears her feelings and emotions and draws them out and. And reflects back to her what she's feeling and praises her. And I can teach men how to do this. It's amazing. Okay, but so many women who I've counseled are living with men. I mean, some of them have sexual addictions. Porn. We could talk about that another day. But the intimacy anorexia is the active withholding of spiritual and emotional and sexual intimacy from their spouse. Everyone else thinks Joe's wonderful. He serves at church, he's a good looking guy, he's good at work, he may be successful in business, but at home, he comes home. And she feels alone, disconnected. So let me give you the characteristics to your audience and keep track of your yeses, and I'll tell you how many yeses you need to know if you really have a problem at home. Okay, you ready?

Okay, ready. Let's go.

So since we're talking to a female audience, I'm going to represent this as a man issue. But there are female intimacy anorexics. So if this is you, you might be causing pain for your husband and a lot of pain. And the kind of pain he can't heal from because he's not causing it, you are. Because when a woman withholds from her man, he is in the most pain. He can be in. And it can literally end in a divorce over decades. You know, the first 10 years, he'll try, the second 10, the next 10 years he'll medicate. And as he moves into the third decade, he's hopeless. Okay. Same with you as a woman. So let's go through these. Haley. I'm sorry, Hannah. I keep calling you Haley. Hannah. Hannah. So here it is. He's too busy for you, right? He's fine doing stuff at church, the kids, neighborhood, cut people's grass, whatever. But he does not make time to date you or give you quality emotional time. So just yes or no. He blames you for all the problems in the relationship. Okay? If a problem comes up, you're the problem. And it can take you a while to actually. Even if you have photographs to prove he's the problem, for him to agree that he is the problem.

Right, right, right.

You know, you're critical, you're angry, you can't be made happy. I can never do anything right. Right. So you're the problem. Okay, now again, these are features of intimacy and erection. These aren't truths. All right?

Exactly.

Number three. Okay, so. So we got withhold spiritually from you. So even if he's the pastor, he won't pray with you. He won't read the Word with you or pray with you and connect with you. He withholds love, especially the way you like to be loved. If you like to be touched, he won't touch you. If you like gifts, he won't buy them for you. You know, you maybe haven't gotten a gift for Christmas or your birthday. All right? If you like time, he won't give it to you. It's exactly how you like to be loved, because they're trying to keep you in pain. I have a whole DVD called Pain for Love. It feels like you have to be in pain to be loved. That's a whole other conversation if you want to get into it. But they withhold spiritually, emotionally. They're unwilling or unable to share their feelings with you sexually. They will either withhold during. Like, you won't feel like you have his heart. He won't look you in the eyes. He's disconnected. Sometimes he's in fantasy. If he has a porn issue and. But you feel alone after. And during sex, it feels empty, not fulfilling, or he will actually withhold sex. Like, he just won't go there. And you're like, okay, we haven't had sex in weeks or months. What are you doing? Well, he's doing something with Himself or others. He's not. Not having a sexual expression.

Right, right, right.

And I'm doing this for 40 years. Okay. And I have guys take polygraphs.

Kind of know your stuff. Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah. So. So I. Not only. I mean, they can come in and say, yeah, yeah, yeah, and then we take a polygraph, and it's like, oh, my gosh, here's what's really going on. So I know what I'm talking about. They have ongoing or ungrounded criticism of you. Okay? It's like. It's like you can hear the negative narrative they have about you. Like, somehow you've become from the angel to the witch. You're now Darth Vader. Your motives are always impure. You're always.

I'm sure that can, like, mess with the woman's mind of thinking. Am I the problem?

Right. No, no. They gaslight you all the time. I have a whole YouTube on gaslighting. Like, they gaslight you all the time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. All right. So let's see where we are. They're unwilling or unable to share their feelings with you. They might have a buddy or a pal or a girl at work, but with you, you ask them what they're feeling, and they look at you like a cow at a new gate. Like. Like. And if you want to share your feelings, oh, no, you're just being emotional. You can't. You can't get under. Get under control. Well, they're starving you. And so, of course, you're amplified because you haven't had a meal in weeks or months or even years. And of course, you're acting like you're a hungry, crazy woman, because you are a hungry woman, and he said he would feed you. And you see him feeding other people emotionally. Oh, and does that trigger you? Okay, so these are some of the characteristics. You feel married and alone. All right? And so those are some of the characteristics of intimacy. Anorexia. And when there's intimacy, anorexia.com. you can get all of them and get all that information. But the heart of this, as a mom, you're not handy, you're not getting fed, and yet you still have to perform with the kids. He still wants to be sexual, maybe still have to show up, look good, and pretended shirts like everything's good. But at home, you feel alone, unwanted, unimportant, disconnected. And that's hard on a mom. Day in, day out. Sometimes you're in the same bed and you don't feel like you're together. He back towards you, and you Know, he gets to bed early or after you, so he can avoid looking you in the eye and loving you and actually feeling like you're being seen for who you are. That's so rare in an intimacy, anorexic relationship. She feels like she's really a roommate. Hannah, can you. I mean, you've worked with women. I am sure you've heard this so.

Many times, and fortunately, you are putting the label on it. You're. You're. You. You've got the. The container. Now that we can. Okay, I get it. I understand this. I thought I was going crazy. I thought I was a problem. I. And you're in. You're right. Like, I hear from these moms. And that hunger, they can't pour out to their children. They can't show up the way they want to show up for their church, their community, their family, because they're not nourished. And I'm hearing a mom right now listening to you saying, oh, my word, he is, like, stepping on my toes. I. He totally. Why do I do. Now I've tried. And she's saying, I've tried. I've tried this. I've tried that. Please, Dr. Doug, help me. What do I do right now?

Well, here it is, Hannah, and I want to say this directly to the moms. You are not the problem. You did not cause this, and sadly, you can't cure this.

Wow.

Okay. There's nothing you can do to make him want to love you, are to show up for you. There's nothing. You've tried it. Actually, in the Married and Alone book, we have statistics there on the impact. Actually, we have another product called Partner Betrayal Trauma. This is interesting, Hannah. We did a study of women, 144 women who've experienced sexual addiction, which is like pornography and stuff like that. Infidelity, which obviously, you know what that is. They cheat on you. And intimacy, anorexia, what we're talking about today. Now, these are three different things. You would think these are three different populations, right? And as a researcher, I expected to get the data back and go, oh, my gosh, they are different this way and different this way and different this way. There was no difference what they were within 1% or 2% of each other on every scale.

Wow.

And the PTSD symptoms of a woman who's being neglected is the same 90% as it is for the woman who's experienced infidelity. So a man who cheats on you impacts you as a man who. Who cheats. And he's married to himself. He's not married to you, that's adultery. He's married to him, he's not married to you. And they experience the same ptsd. These are statistics as a man who cheats, okay? And that's why we call it the sin of withholding. Okay? Because it is sin to withhold. When you say, I will forsake all others, you're saying, I'm going to forsake me for you. And when they don't forsake them for you, as a mom, you're in pain. As a woman, you feel unattractive. Hannah. I mean, you're an attractive woman. I've had some of the most attractive women in the world, literally, beauty contest winners married to multimillionaires sitting in my office who feel ugly, unwanted. They feel like they have to get plastic this and plastic that. They don't feel loved and they're not being touched. And you look at this woman and go, oh, my gosh. What man could even not touch that woman? Right? But I have seen that so many times. It's sad. So it doesn't matter what you look like. It doesn't matter what your body looks like. You could be perfect in every way or imperfect in every way. He wouldn't choose to love you. And this is the whole thing, Hannah. It's willful. It's the active withholding. And this is what really puts women through the ceiling. You mean he's intentionally doing this? Yes. Dr. Weiss is saying he is intentionally withholding intimacy from you.

Yeah.

Okay, because here's. I've done this with. I've done this with guys. I say, let me put a gun to your head. Tell me how. What it would mean if I put a gun to your head. Could you tell me how to love your wife?

What happens? What happens?

And they say, well, I know she wants me to pray with her. I know she wants me to touch her. I know she wants me to look her in the eyes when we're making love. I know that she wants to be celebrated. Oh, so you do know how to love her.

So it is the sin of withholding. You are intentionally withholding.

So you're intentionally withholding. And that's why we have that DVD called Pain for Love. This is interesting, because they will keep you in pain to a certain point. So let's put the pain scale 1, 2, 3, 4, negative. 1, 2, 3, positive, right? So they'll keep you in negative 2, just enough pain that you're not complaining. And then when you get to, like, say, three or four, and you're like, I'm done with this. I'm sick of this. I can't take it anymore. They'll move you back. They'll move towards you, love you a little bit, usually seven to 10 days, give you what you want, a little bit to keep you back in the game, move you back to 2, and then keep you in 2 pain. And so you never get to 1, 2, or 3 positive, okay? Without being in pain. You have to be in pain for them to move towards you. And the Pain for Love DVD is one of our best selling because when they watch it, they go, oh, my gosh, I'm in a game. This is a game.

You're being played.

And. Exactly. I'm being played. And I'm a godly woman. I'm a great lover, I'm a good friend, I have great kids, I'm sometimes successful in business. Are you kidding me? I'm being played by this man. He's doing to this intentionally, and he's doing it in the name of Jesus, dude.

The only ultimate, not loving me. Wow.

Calling himself a Christian. I'm telling you, if you're around Jesus, you'd be loved.

Dr. Doug, I am blessed.

Even in the Old Testament, he said, I drew you out, I clothed you, I gave you a crown, I gave you jewelries. I made you beautiful. When you're around the living God, when he's inside of a man, a woman feels loved. She feels understood to the point that a man can understand a woman, okay? She feels heard. She feels validated, okay? And when she's married to an intimacy anorexic, she feels none of that. She feels alone. She feels unseen. No matter what she's wearing, no matter how good her hair or makeup is, okay? She feels disconnected from a man's heart. And she feels like she doesn't have a safe sanctuary for her heart or her body or her spirit. She doesn't feel like she can rest into a man and that man can embrace her without sexual intent and just minister to her and loving her. You know, I love just holding Joni. I just love holding her. And she just absorbs that love. I mean, Joni's a love absorber and a love giver. Okay? So we had a great relationship. It's great to be married to her. And that's what marriage should feel like. Yes, but with an intimacy anorexic, it's what you long for, but you never get it unless you're in so much pain you're willing to threaten a divorce.

That is so sad. And knowing the way the mom brain works, you know, studying that and researching that and working with moms. A mom will always make herself the problem because of that, of that programming, of I got to make it right for everyone. So now she just. You sharing all this.

That fits perfectly.

So many moms are saying, like, a deep sigh of relief that they're not the problem. They have made themselves a problem. They've tried to fix it this way, they tried to fix it that way. That's just the way our brain works. You know that.

It's like an addiction, Hannah. It's an addiction to withholding. It's kind of like we called it intimacy anorexia because, like, women understand the term anorexia. It's like the woman who's so skinny she's losing hair, right? But she's withholding food from herself. And intimacy anorexic is holding food from their spouse.

Hmm. What is the core?

Letting them starve and look emotionally like a skeleton intentionally. It's like, no, I have food. I'm not gonna give it to you.

What is the core of this?

Well, that's a good question. So there's four causes for intimacy anorexia. Thank you for asking that. Okay, Number one is sexual addiction. They have attached themselves neurologically to a porn thing. And I tell every woman, ask your husband, when was the last time you masturbated? When was the last time you did pornography? And Hanna was a huge church in Canada. I'm talking like, about 800 to 1,000 women. And I had them Thursday. Had the guys Friday. I said, go home and ask your husbands when the last time they masturbated. When was the last time they viewed pornography? And Canadians are great because they do what they're told. And so they went home and they did it. And revival broke out in church. I literally had to buy shirts to preach five services I wasn't supposed to be there for. Because revival broke out. Because men confess their sins, because women are not asking. Men have a secret sex life, and they don't have porn blockers on their phone. On our website, we have a porn blocker because men should have porn blockers. So should their children. But if the men don't have it, the children won't. Okay? They're not protecting themselves from the vile images because they're participating. So that's one reason. Because they're literally neurologically attached. Because when they have self behaviors with an image, they attach to the image, not to their wife. And so if they can't look you in the eyes during sex, it's because they've trained themselves for object relationship sex, not relational sex. If a man is looking into you during sex, you know it.

Yeah.

You know it.

Yeah, yeah.

That heart connection looking into you and it's like, oh my gosh, he is right. He is right there with me. And if he's not, you're like, where is my lover? Like the song of psalms, where is he? Where did he go?

Wow. And then you're alone. You just become an object then.

Right? So the other cause is sexual abuse. Okay? We know 80% of sex addicts are sexually abused, but we also know a lot of the intimacy in New Mexico were sexually abused. And so therefore intimacy is connected to trauma and they need to heal from the trauma. Okay? Now there also so many people have.

Not even approached that. They don't want to talk about it and then they don't want to heal from it. But that's the enemy's work. He always wants to push things into the dark.

Well, and for moms, I mean, we're talking to moms. I mean, if you have sexual abuse, you want to heal from that. And there's a lot of healing that can be done. And if you've had an abortion as a mom, you want to heal from that. We have a product called Grace After Abortion. You want to heal the wounds as a mom so that you can be who you need to be. And if you're in intimacy anorexic, and you've been sexually abused, you need to heal that sexual trauma so that you can be great for everybody. Another reason is what we call cross gender neglect, which is if he's a man, he did not. Mom was not. Either there are not there physically or not there emotionally, or she was unsafe, okay? She'd bring up his past, she would shame him, so she was unsafe. So he learned that women are not safe and he's brought that into the marriage. He needs to heal from the mom stuff, and he can do that. And then the last thing is role model neglect. They actually saw neglect from their parents growing up from each other. They slept in different rooms, they never kissed, they never hugged. They didn't see it. And so they suffer from some neglect. All of this can be healed. I have seen thousands of intimacy anorexics heal, okay? With the synagogue, with the books. We have support groups, we have counselors. I actually have a 45 hour training for counselors and coaches on intimacy anorexia to train them how to treat intimacy anorexics. And I've had women just buy that and go, okay, we're going to watch this together. If you don't want to go to counseling, you're going to spend two or three hours a week on me on the couch.

And.

And we're going to go through this with Dr. Weiss teaching us what we got, what we need to get better. And I've seen couples even who did intensives, they came, they did five days with me, they bought the 45 hour training on this, and they went through that. And it helped them heal because it gave them language. Hannah, what you're providing for your audience today right now, is a language for the pain that they're in and being married. And loan. There's a workbook, a book and a step book, and we have support groups, we have a Facebook group for Married and Alone. I mean, we have all these resources that people can heal from because it's such a big issue in the body of Christ that we're not talking about. And moms suffer the most because they have to pour into without being poured into. And God made marriage so that he would pour into you. God would pour into you, and you would pour into them.

Right, Right. And when those can chase a thousand, two can put ten thousand to flight. There's this multiplicity power in marriage. And then both are, you know, when one is withholding in this, you know, sit of intimacy, anorexia, you don't have that multiplication power. You're both alone. You're married and alone.

Right. And you're going to get some feedback on this. I feel married alone. There's material for that. But that's how women feel. And that's why we actually called the book Married Alone, because they would say, Dr. Weiss, I feel married and alone. Dr. Weiss, I feel like a roommate. Dr. Weiss, I feel so alone. I can't even explain to you how alone. It's almost beyond words, the pain. It's like unless you've experienced, you don't get it. It's like. It's like you feel like you're not a person.

Yeah. Because marriage is a covenant, not a contract. And so when you're in this covenant, which is a spiritual relationship, it goes beyond just the neglect physically. It dives deep into. Into the soul of the person, to the spirit of the person.

Right. And then you're. You're expected to pretend that for your own image that you're an okay mom and that you're an okay wife. Right. And to protect the image of him and the marriage. And so you pretend and Then you feel guilty about pretending, oh, yeah, this guy raising his hands in church. And you're like, that hand hasn't touched me.

Wow.

Why are you trying to say you're going to touch God with that hand? That mouth hasn't praised me. Why are you pretending to praise the living God? That mouth hasn't shared his heart with me. Why are you pretending to share it with God in front of everybody? And then you got to pretend in your cute little outfit with your cute little kids that you got ready for church that everything's okay. And then you go home and that drive home is what you don't. You don't want to go home because.

You see something different in him that is portrayed to you well.

There's no sanctuary for you at home for moms. He is supposed to provide the sanctuary. Like, what do you need me to do? How can I help you? How can I serve you? Let's get. We're a team. Let's do this together. Right? If he's not in your world, right? But if he's in your world, you feel supported, right? But not only the support of like, okay, dishes and homework and get the kids to bed, all that. But when you come into your bedroom, it's not about just sexuality. I want to look into you. How was your day? So let me give you some of the cure that's in the material. Okay?

Yes, yes, yes.

We call them the three dailies. And it's in the intimacy anorexia book. Okay. In the intimacy anorexia book, we call them the three dailies. Number one, okay? You share two feelings with your spouse every day. Okay. If they email my office, it's a heart to heart H A R T. The number two heartc.org or call 719-278-373708.

Then we're going to have all these links. We're going to have the links.

Have the links there. They can get a free feelings list. It's like 200 feelings. Because if you ask a guy to do feelings, you don't give him a sheet. He's like, well, I don't know. Right? So they just point to a feeling. They do the two sentences at the top of the page. I feel blank When I first remember feeling blank. When they follow the guidelines of no examples about your spouse, eye contact and no feedback, which then your husband's looking you in the eyes, which is great because most couples don't see each other. So they share two feelings a day. You share two feelings a day. Now these Exercises I've done personally for decades, okay? And they work. And I personally, me and Joni do them every night. We've done it during dating. We do it every night. We do two feelings a day. Every day. All right? We do two praises a day. So you tell them something that you love, like or appreciate about each other. You look them in the eyes and you say, I really love you or appreciate. And you say thank you. So he gets a receipt and then you give him one. So two of those two feelings, two praises, and then you pray together. So it's two feelings, two praises and prayer. It's right there on your hand. And then you pray together, okay? Because you're a three person marriage. You can't be Christian and be a two person marriage. That's a secular marriage. If you're not involving the Father, you don't have a Christian marriage. You have a secular marriage with Christians in it.

Wow, that is powerful. That is powerful.

We have a book called the Miracle of Marriage and we talk about how marriage was the final creation. Marriage is what looks like God, not independent people. That's secular. Marriage is not between a man and woman. It's between God, a man and a woman, okay? That's why a marriage reflects God, because it reflects a trinity, okay? We look like God, but we look more like God when we are loving each other with him involved. That's what the Trinity looks like. And that's the environment. The optimal environment for our children to grow up in is a triune relationship, okay? Where they see the Father in the marriage, right? And so when the kids have issues, they say, well, let's take that to the Father because he's here with us.

Yeah, he's present. He's an ever present help.

Consult the father about your discipline, okay? We're going to consult the Father about wisdom on this decision. Why don't you join us? Come into this trinity.

I love that.

See what I'm saying? And that's what moms ache for. But the addiction called intimacy and erection, it is an addiction, okay? They've tried to stop. They keep doing it. They have consequences. They keep using it because it works for them.

Whatever is working, you'll continue using it.

Well, helps medicate them because they don't have to risk because they live in an object relationship where they want to be seen as wonderful all the time. Well, I'm sorry, that ain't truth, okay? You wouldn't be seen as wonderful. You're just a liar from the beginning.

That's right. You've been Deceived.

You are self deceived. Okay? You are mostly wonderful with a little salt of sin. Okay? That's all of us. Okay?

Right, right, right.

But you know, when you. That's why it's hard for an intimacy in Mexico to say I'm sorry. So a mom will say, you know, my husband never apologizes. Like, I mean, I got to, like, I got to jump on him to be able to say I'm wrong or I'm sorry. You're probably married to an intimacy anorexic because he wants to be seen as good all the time. And when he's flawed, he doesn't feel loved. So it's not about admitting that he's wrong. He feels if he's flawed, he can't be loved by you because he does not love himself when he's flawed.

That is so. So now. So they can't admit they're wrong?

Well, they. Well, under pressure, yeah.

But it's still not a matter of the heart.

No, no, no, no, no, no. For them to just come up to you and say, you know what? I had a bad attitude about 10 minutes ago and I'm really sorry. Forgive me for that, or I judged you the way you dealt with that situation, and it was in my heart. I didn't tell you, but I'm sorry. Forgive me for that sin. Or, you know, I blamed you for that, and that wasn't your fault. That was all me. You will never hear that from an intimacy anorexic. Now a healthy man can do that. I apologize to James.

They're confident in who they are, in.

God, but I'm like, you know what? That's still big enough for me to say, forgive me for that.

Okay.

And she's like, of course. Because it was. You know, But a healthy person can own that they're not perfect. Because I'm Dr. Weiss. The imperfect version, okay? Now in heaven, I'm going to be perfect. It's going to be wonderful. I'm not going to have to say I'm sorry or I'm wrong because I'm going to have a good attitude all the time. But until then, there's the imperfect version.

Right, Right, right.

And that's what we got to work.

With, because a healthy person can admit that.

Well. And should. Especially if they're saved.

Yeah, absolutely.

I don't know about you, but my holy spirit tells me when I'm wrong.

Oh, yeah. Sometimes on a minute by minute basis.

So you get that little. Oh, that was really. You shouldn't have said that. Or done that, or you should have done that or said that and you didn't. And I get that little hit in the heart. And so in marriage, I mean, if you're not in intimacy, it gets a regular flow of, hey, I'm sorry, I'm wrong, and that's just normal. But with intimacy recxic, they have to protect the image. And the image is more valuable than you are. And one of the hardest things is when a woman realizes she's really not loved, then she's pouring everything into this man and she's not loved, it's loved. Maybe the addiction, maybe the porn is loved, or he's loved himself, but she doesn't. And here's another thing a lot of women say, well, gosh, you know, Dr. Weiss, he's a narcissist. Now. I'm a psychologist. When you throw a term like that at me, it's like, no, okay, I have a whole video called narcissism, Sex addiction and intimacy anorexia. Because it's not character logical, it's because of the addiction. Intimacy, anorexia, addiction, like alcohol, drugs, sex, porn, all that. And when they get into that addiction, they stay immature spiritually, emotionally and morally. So they act like a 12 year old. Okay, so it's not narcissism, it's immaturity. And that's why you see, like they don't have a lot of empathy. It's not because they're narcissists, it's because they are not mature. But a woman looks at those characteristics of narcissist. Oh, that's it. No, no, no. The symptoms are the same, but the cause is different.

Right. That's so powerful. Because it is an immaturity. But that results from addiction.

Right, but the woman still feels the same pain.

Same pain, same pain, same pain, no.

Matter what the origin is.

The emptiness. Yeah.

And so as moms, you know, I'd encourage you, you know, as a mom, you know, get, get informed about this. You know, get the information. Okay. Intimacy, anorexia.com. get that information. Find out, get married alone, do some work on it yourself before you start confronting him. The sin of withholding is the best Christian version you can get. Because it's not all about intimacy, anorexia. I literally go through the entire Bible from Genesis, how God responds to withholding from Cain and Abel, because God responds to withholding. When you commit the sin of withholding, God responds. And then I show how the Holy Spirit responds when you withhold from him. And then I show you how Jesus responds when you withhold from him. And it goes all the way from Genesis to the book of Revelations. Then I show the application in marriage about the sin of withholding. And I go into intimacy, anorexia, so that a man can understand, like, this is a sin. This is not a problem. This is not a psychobabble issue.

Right, right, right.

Like this is a sin. You can see in the Bible again and again. And when they can see this sin, they can repent. And then of course, they need the tools to heal, but they can start desiring to heal. And I've had guys who are hardcore, you know, it's all about her. Dr. Weiss, on Monday, I said, go watch this. And they come and they go, oh, my God, I'm sinning against God. Yeah, okay. Yeah, you are. And now would you like to not sin anymore and start loving your wife like the way you told her you would, that you would?

God always has a way. He always has a way. So he was listening to this and you're feeling, wow, this is. Okay, first of all, all this is enlightening. I get it. This is what's going on. God always has a way to heal, no matter how it looks right now. And I'm reminded, Dr. Doug, I'm reminded about, you know, my people perish for lack of knowledge, right? So if you're perishing in this, if your marriage is perishing, let's get the knowledge already. You have shared so many amazing resources, and I believe when we get our hands on that, get that knowledge, God's going to bless just that act of obedience, of seeking him, not seeking the latest, you know, something to gratify your spirit on how you're not wrong, they're wrong. Whatever we. There's so much out there in media that just is not based in God's word. Here's something that you have the years, you have the experience, you have the knowledge and the results. So get the knowledge. And God's going to bless that act of obedience right there.

Absolutely. God will give grace to the humble. And now we've been talking about the men, but you know, let's be fair, Hannah. There's a portion of women who are withholding from their husbands. Oh, yeah, Busy with the kids. Their husband's the problem. They withhold love. They haven't praised him, they haven't touched him, they haven't initiated sex in years. They have sinned against their husband awfully. And yet they're self righteous. Okay? And if that's any of your audience, get the help you need. So that you can be a godly woman. A godly woman is not someone who is religious in church, but in the bedroom. Not. Okay? Not connected. I'm not talking about just sexuality. I'm talking about spiritually and emotionally. Okay? And you're like, well, Dr. Wyshee is not safe. Okay, well, then let's get some counseling and find out why that is. Okay, but if he's starved, he's not safe. Okay. If you want to raise a mean dog, it's really easy, Hannah. You don't feed him and you don't touch him, and you will get a mean dog. Now go back to the first year of marriage. Was he a mean dog then?

Yeah.

Okay, so look at yourself as well as him. Either way, this is healing.

It is. It's healing. God's word tells us that we can look in his word as a mirror, right? And find out what we need to shift in ourselves. And so this may be a time, of course, you know, we already talked about. You're not the problem in this situation. Intimacy, anorexia. But this is a time you can also seek God and say, God, search me. Show me my heart. See if I am guilty of the sin of withholding. And why? Show me where the pain happened. Because we can enter that place where the Holy Spirit can heal that. I love that you're sharing that. Like, it takes two hands to clap. That's what I always believe in, a marriage. Right. And so there may be something God speaking to you right now. Don't let this time go by. Right now. It can be a time of repentance and a time of really beautiful awareness of what God wants to show you. And he does it compassionately. That's what I love about our great physician. We don't even need anesthesia because he does it so compassionately and beautiful.

Amen. Well, I just want to, you know, end with a word of hope. And that is, I've seen thousands of men and women who have struggled with intimacy, anorexia, who have lived the married and alone life. Heal, restore. There are tools. And here's the emails I get. Hannah. Thank you, Dr. Weiss. We are happily ever after. I've never felt so loved. I never felt so satisfied. I've never felt so seen. I never felt so connected as we are now. So God can take the broken, if we will give it to him and he can restore it. So he gets glory because he loves to be seen in restoration. That's his favorite movie, is the hero epic, where those broken things become whole and powerful. And they do marriage ministries, and they love people and their kids are healthier, and so there's hope. This is not a doom message at all. If you've got this disease, I got a healer. Okay? If you've got a mountain, I've got who moves mountains. Like, this is a time where it doesn't matter if you have it. It matters that you give it to him and you start doing the work to heal. Because sometimes, you know, God will say, go show yourself to the priest, which means you have to work. There's some effort into your miracle. And intimacy anorexia is often a process miracle. I've not met one. Intimacy anorexia who had a supernatural encounter and became a different person. Because this is actually changing your nature. This is killing your flesh. You know, this isn't casting out a spirit. This is like killing me. Okay. And so. But it's a beautiful process, and there is the miracle of God restoring everything. If you have two willing people.

I love that. Dr. Doug, thank you so much for being with us and being on this show. And tell the people who are listening right now, and they're already going to get those resources, but tell them one more time, if anyone missed it, where can they get more to help out with intimacy anorexia?

Get that book, intimacy anorexia.com. the phone number 719-278-3708. And if you want to send an email, heart to heart. H E R t. The number two heart at X like X ray C like cat.org and my office will love you and get the free feelings list. Get that. Get started with that. You can do that today with your spouse.

Yeah, yeah. And all those are going to be linked right here on the show. So thank you so much. I so appreciate your time. And I know just this, just this awareness is going to start them on a path of total healing and a life that is just blessed like crazy.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for loving the moms. Thank you so much, Hannah.