How To Act Right When Things Go Wrong

So what do you do when something happens in your environment? It makes you frustrated, you get angry, and you just want to get emotional. You may want to get angry, you may want to explode. And unfortunately, when you're in a marriage, you sometimes explode at each other. So how are you going to stop that?

Here's the big question. How are these average, everyday moms getting radical results in their lives? How are they able to transform their health, money, families, homes, and have fun doing it?

The trick.

We're not average.

I'm Hannah Keeley, and I'm going to.

Spill our secrets and answer your questions right now in that mom show.

All right, so it's Marriage Monday, and it's me, Hannah and Blair, and. And we're here, as always, on Monday to talk about marriage. I like to say that. Marwich. Okay, so here's the situation. And you know what? We're always so raw and real. So let's just tell them, like, what happened. I mean, it's no big deal. So, okay, when was it?

Last night.

Okay, so last night we walked in. Both of us were exhausted. You had flown.

Yeah, we just came back from a trip, and you had been. I mean, with all the work and getting ready for some social stuff going.

On, this weekend was scattered for me. I was running all over the place with the two girls, and you had just flown in. And so.

And when we saw each other, it was great. We were excited and we were happy and all that. And then.

But then we had to go back out, and we were so exhausted.

Right. We had to go back out. We had to go pick up. We had to go pick up our daughter.

Oh, yeah. Okay.

So can you tell we live a.

Kind of busy life?

Yes. So that just gives you a picture of it. It was very, very busy. And then we came home late at night.

It was late. And all we wanted to do was just go to bed.

Right. And we got home, and that's not.

All we wanted to do.

Good golly. You always go there.

I'm sorry.

No. So we got home, and actually part of the kitchen and part of our den were trashed. And it was, you know, I mean.

Well, our definition of trash.

Well, let's just. Food was left out. And then, of course, the dog ate the food.

And so there was like a continuous.

The dog actually did the trashing. The dog did the trashing, but it was just stuff that was left out in the room. So anyways, that set you off?

Yeah. I was like, man. Because last thing, like, when you're so exhausted, last Thing you want to come home to is a mess, especially when, you know, you left it clean. And so I was already frustrated because our son had friends over, and they evidently, like, ordered pizza, and so there's, like, leftover trash. And I was like. I was ready to blow. I was like, man, all right, he's not gonna have any more friends over if they can't clean up after themselves. And it was merely someone had left a box out that they had a sub sandwich in, and the dog, like, tore up the box. But that was just enough. Understand that. Well, we'll talk about, like, how to assess situations like this. But, yeah, so I was exhausted. Then I got mad, and I was like, you know what? He doesn't have to have any more friends over if they're not gonna clean up after themselves. And you, because you love me, you get protective. So you get frustrated when you get mad, when you think something has made me mad.

Right. Well, at that point, I'm ready to start stomping around and go find the.

Perpetrator, whoever upset your wife.

Right. You know, the dog. Right. Again, like we said, we're just talking about a couple of wrappers in a box and stuff like that. But, I mean, it was just. It set you off. So that set me off. I was now not in a pleasant mood. And actually, our boys were, like, an hour before that.

Oh, what were you gonna say about that?

They weren't around. I couldn't find them. I couldn't solve the situation by, you know.

And we were trying to close down the house and stuff. And just an hour before, we had been listening to music from when we were dating and having such a good time.

It just set us off because I think we were tired and exhausted, and it just wasn't expected.

Yeah. So here's what we want to share, strategies that work for us when something in your environment sets you off, because it happens a lot. Like, you love each other. You know, you love each other, but sometimes things happen, especially in a big family or especially with a busy lifestyle, things happen, and it sets you off. So you can. Because you feel so safe with each other in a marriage, then you can often be your worst self. That's where you fall into a trap, because, you know, okay, this person accepts me and loves me. I feel safe with them. And that's a good thing. That's a very good thing. But it can be a bad thing if we take advantage of that. And then we are. We put our worst face forward instead of, you know, putting our attitude into check and so I think that's.

Well, because the thing is, I mean, just as to finish up that part of the story, we, you know, we started cleaning everything up, but then we were both in sort of a sour mood.

Yeah.

And, you know, as for the rest of the evening, I mean, it was.

Late and everything was like 30 minutes.

But still we were kind of like.

Yeah, we were like. And then I was like, are you okay? And he's like, yeah, I'm fine. And I was like, no, something's weird. And then we just talked about it. And you were like, I got upset because they made you upset. And I was like, you know what? I did react poorly when I came home. I didn't have to do that. And so we just talked.

But by that point, I mean, I think you have. In those kinds of situations, you talk about when your emotions, you know, send you to a place that you don't. You weren't planning to go and you don't necessarily want to be. You have a way of acting. You have a way of responding to that sometimes that is different than the way that I do.

Everyone's got a different way to do it.

Everybody has a different way to do it, but you have to identify what that is. So for me, one of the things that is really important that I do. If emotion starts to take control.

Wait, before you say, like, how to get out of it?

Oh, we're. Keep them guessing.

No, no, I'm just joking. I want to expose one thing that happens a lot of times that you have to be aware of.

Okay, go ahead, do that.

At this point moment, we were both exhausted.

Yeah.

So that's another thing is when you're tired, you are emotionally fragile. I mean, across the board, man, woman, doesn't matter. When you. It's hard to be emotionally stable when you're tired or when you're stressed. So if you're having, like any kind of physical stress or financial stress or any kind of. It's hard to stay emotionally stable. And also just you really have to take care of your body when you're not taking care of your body when you're not rested enough, it's hard to be strong emotionally because we're only, you know, as good as our health can carry us. So that's one thing that. Be very aware. When you're in your marriage, you want to bring everything, your best self, to the table. And that means that when you are tired, and I'm talking to moms here, because we have a tendency to work really hard and not get enough sleep. I know I do. I know several moms who do. And so moms especially, be aware that when you're tired, you need to kind of step outside yourself and say, okay, I'm going to take a little extra measure to be kind right now, to be patient, to be understanding, to be loving. I've got to make it a intentional thing because it ain't going to come natural because I'm tired. So that's one thing to be aware of when you have those circumstantial things that kind of throw you off.

Yep.

Okay, so now let's talk about solutions. What do you do when it's already thrown you off, like you already got mad about something and then you kind of snapped at each other? So you explain what you do. I'll explain what I do.

Okay. So my sort of method is really to excuse myself from the situation. Right. And that sometimes can be a difficult thing, especially when, you know, you're in a moment of high emotion. But I. What I try to do is, you know, if. If it's, you know, like we were kind of snapping at each other a little bit last night.

Yeah, well, the ram.

Yeah, it wasn't. It wasn't. I mean, we don't fight, but it was. It was just like, you know, I was irritated because you were irritated, everybody was irritated. But, you know, taking a moment and walking away so that I can think through what has just happened and.

What.

Was said and what the intention was and where is it all coming from, that just helps me to cool down a little bit. And then also it also helps me get to a possible solution. Right. So excusing myself from the moment, if it means just taking a walk around the living room and just going into a different room for a couple of minutes, and it's not storming out, it's not slamming doors.

It's kind of that way to be objective and say, okay, that's the way I have to.

That's the way I am able to back away and become objective about a particular situation. So that's sort of my method of getting there.

Yeah, I don't really know how I do it. Hey, mama.

We'll get right back to the podcast, but did you know there is an entire online university just for moms? If you're ready to get radical results in your life, just go to mommastery.com that's M O M M A S T E R-Y dot com. Make sure you check it out and take your free quiz again. That's mommastery.com M O M M A S T E R Y.com now back to the podcast.

Well, I think you are, because I can change quickly. You do change quickly. You have a really interesting ability to be able to choose an emotion, and that's something I can't always do. Well, do you want me to. Do you want me to take one of your courses?

Yeah, we'll have a little psychotherapy session right here.

Guys, I live for courses. I live the courses as they're being built. I live the courses through testing.

All right, then you can choose an emotion.

Okay, but that is. It's not as simple as flip a switch all the time, but you do have a. You have a really amazing ability to say, okay, wait a minute, wait a minute. Like right there in the conversation, wait a minute. This isn't where we need to be, or, this isn't what we need to be talking about. This isn't the right way to go about this. Look, let's turn this around into the positive. Instantly, you are in a different mindset. It's inspiring, and it is something that, boy, I wish I could do sometimes. Sometimes it actually makes me frustrated because you're already there, and that makes me want to go take a lap around the living room before I'm able to say anything.

But I think awareness is huge. Like, if you can just get aware of the whole understanding of, like, what. Whatever you're thinking becomes what you feel, and then that's how you act. And. And if you can just kind of go back and say, oh, wait, I was mad about a. A sub sandwich box.

Right?

And. And it's like, oh, well, that.

No, and the dog did it, and the dog doesn't know any better. I mean, the dog was.

I can just, like, choose a different emotion.

Right?

And I really think awareness is huge. And understanding. You have total power, 100% power of your emotions. That's one thing. When people are like, well, I just don't feel like it. You can choose the feeling. If you can go back and realize what you were thinking, you can't. It's hard to change your feelings if you're not fully aware of what thought patterns led to that. But if you're like, oh, wait, with this. And I was frustrated about this. I get it. Okay, all right, then switch. Like, I can change. I can change this. I can. And here's what can help a lot of people, because you and I react differently to it. So you need to step aside sometimes. Just for, like, one minute.

Yeah, it's Not. It doesn't have to be a long.

Time, but you have to have a quiet moment to process. Whereas I'm like, oh, okay, let me turn around and let me, you know, be kind and be loving and be fun also. If so, we're a little different that way. So if you're in a marriage where maybe your spouse does not immediately respond or even is aware because the, like, metacognition, being able to think about what you're thinking about, that is a skill that's acquired, and you have to learn how to do that. So if your partner isn't as like being able to change quickly enough, that doesn't mean you can't. So you can be powerful, you can be loving, you can be kind, and you can be generous in the face of even irritability. So you don't have to be confined by your circumstances to express the emotion that you choose to express at that moment.

I agree. But I also think that having the ability to identify your spouse's method of sort of getting through or coming down from an emotional state and understanding how that happens. Well, I mean, so your M.O. is to. You can flip on a dime pretty close to that. Whereas for me, it takes a little bit of processing time. But over time, you have. I mean, through our marriage, you have. So last night was a perfect example where we didn't continue the conversation. I actually didn't physically step away from the room that we were in. You did. You actually backed away for a few minutes. I think that was whether it was fully conscious or just knowledgeable of the way we interact with each other in these conversations. You're like, okay, this isn't going anywhere. And maybe in your head you've gone, okay, wait a minute, I got to turn that off. And let me just back away for a minute and go into the, you know, slide into the. Into the closet or whatever.

You went to the shower.

You went and took a shower. That's right.

Yep.

And then everything was. By that point, I had time to process it. And we felt kind of silly that, you know, we got frustrated because a puppy dog decided that a subway wrapper was delicious or something.

But you know what? That is a really good tip. If you are having a time hard, hard time pivoting your emotions, do something that will change your state. Take a shower, go outside, walk around the yard, something. Or put on a different song or something that will change your state, because then it allows you to say, okay, I'm tying a bow around this emotion here. I'm not going to Carry that forward. And I'm going to come to this marriage with every bit of positivity. And. And you don't have to convince your spouse how to do it. You do it because you're powerful in that state. You're powerful when you choose that state. Exactly. So anyway, I mean, I don't know. I hope that helps because I know that a lot of times people snap at each other not because they're angry at each other, but they're angry at a situation that they just had in their life.

Right, exactly. And I think there are. Everybody does it differently, and you got to look inside yourself and find out how it is that you do that. How do you get away from that emotion? And if you have a hard time letting that kind of stuff go and that sort of exacerbates difficult conversations or arguments or whatever it may be, it might be an opportunity for you to think about how is it that you feel, what is it you feel like, or where is it in your mind where you start to come out of an emotional state and start getting to that, working on getting to that in a better, more productive way when you're having these kinds of discussions with your spouse.

Yeah. And talk about it when it's not a situation.

Yeah. That's actually key, is going through it before or when it's not in. There's no event. It may just be a conversation about, you know, how do you do. Yeah.

How you do handle when things don't go right. So that would be a good discussion.

To have when everything's right, when everything is fine. Yeah.

Okay.

And ask your spouse, how do you see me handling this? How do I usually handle that? And you can, I mean, talk about how each other and you know, what's a. Powerful approaches.

It's a very, very powerful thing. But it's a scary thing to do is have the guts to go to your spouse and say, what can I do better when these situations happen? Who would you like? Who do I need to be for this situation? Like, do you see me needing areas of growth and needing areas of improvement? And where do you think I am most challenged? And just be open and honest and that way you can grow together.

Well, that's a very disarming way of approaching it.

I would always ask you, like, how can I be a better wife? You're like, you're great. No, tell me, tell me something like, I want to know.

Well, because for me personally, it sends me down the road that, you know, not that I think that you're playing games and all that kind of stuff because we don't do that. But I sit here going, well, she's asking how can I be a better wife? Or how can I be less emotional when we have disagreement, I instantly turn it around in my own head and I'm going, well, wait a minute. Do I. Is there something that I'm doing that I could do better?

You figured out my ways.

Yes, your ways are. They're dark. They are dark and they are.

And mysterious and they work.

Yes, they do. But yeah, I mean, it is a very disarming thing to talk with. How can I get, how can I be better at this? How can I be better for you? Because that also, you know, not only will. Hopefully they'll be able to give some great insight or good feedback, but they.

Might talk about reciprocity. Right?

They'll ask, as soon as you give.

Someone something, they're like, well, you know, maybe I need to do something new too. So it does. There's a law of reciprocity that goes into effect when you bring yourself to the table and when you ask those honest questions like that. But yeah, I hope that helped. We really want you to be strong and in the hard times, like it's easy to be strong in the good times, but we want you to be strong when things aren't so good. And it happens, it happens a lot and. But you can choose always, Always, always. You can choose to love always. That's a non negotiable.

That is true.

All right, well, we love you guys. We got your back and be blessed like crazy.

See you next time.

Are you ready to get radical results in your life? I can give you the jump start you need for massive success as a mom. In fact, I've got that mom show starter kit right here with your name on it, girl. And I want to give it to you absolutely free. Just go to thatmomshow.com or text the word kit K I T to 345345. That's the word kit to 345345. That mom show starter kit comes with my best selling time management program for moms. Squeeze the day, my guided faith based master mom meditation and a printable copy.

Of the master mom manifesto.

Print that baby out. Say it every day.

Just watch what happens.

That mom show starter kit is valued.

At over $300 but I want you.

To have it for free. Just go to thatmomshow.com or text the word kit that's K I T to 345345. Again, text kit to 3, 4, 5. 3, 4, 5. I'll talk with you later.

Check this out.