Making and Keeping of a Friend: Part 4

Okay, maybe we need more friends. Maybe we need to be a better friend. But here's the question. Where do we find them? Where are these amazing friends who support us and encourage us? And we go through life with them. We have fun together. Where are they? Well, that's exactly what we're talking about today. Inside Mom Mastery University. Welcome to Mom Mastery University. The education every mom should have had, but did it. I'm Hannah Keeley, America's number one mom coach, and class is now in session. Welcome back, my friends. I'm so excited we are going through this entire course of the making and keeping of a friend, because we talked about it. You know, when. When you start out, friends are easy when it's just you. But something happens when you become a mom. And friends, well, they become a little bit more challenging. And we evolve and we grow, and we've talked about all of this, but today we're talking about something very specific. Where do we find them? Okay, if we're gonna seek out these people who we can go through life with and those people who are support Network and our friend network and our fun Network, where are they? So that's exactly where we're gonna go today. And the first thing we have to understand is that the particular nuances of moms and friends. Because I know I've talked about this before, but it's important that we go back to it, because we have our friends. If you're a mom, we have our friends by default and not design. What does that mean? Well, think about it. A mom's life, it's busy. It gets crazy. We are always changing, and we're so. We have so many commitments. And. And because of these commitments, our friend circle becomes mirroring our commitments. So if it's, you know, our commitment to our church, our commitment to our children's extracurricular league, our commitment to their sports involvement, commitment to their schooling, whatever. We start to gravitate toward the parents, toward those moms that are in the same circles now. What does this mean? It means that we're not designing our friend circle anymore. It's kind of by default. Have you ever been in, like, one of those let's. Let's talk about church? Like, maybe there's your. The women's group at church, right? And sometimes, like, they're really positive influence, and sometimes they're not so positive an influence. Problem is, that's just kind of where we're grouped because that's where life has taken us. That's where life demands have taken us. So what we have to understand, first of all is we're gonna find these friends out of design. We have to design our friend circle. Because if you operate by default, chances are, you know, there's gravity to everything. There's spiritual gravity, there's emotional gravity, there's physical gravity. There's also friend gravity, which means you can gravitate to the lowest common denominator because it feels better. It fuels all the flesh in you. And that isn't always good. It's not always positive for you. It isn't always helping you evolve to the next version of yourself. So we have to decide to become a creator in designing our friend circle. And just because we're in the same groups, we're in the same Bible studies, we're in the same support network, we're in the same book reading group, whatever that is, the same neighborhood, doesn't mean that they have to make your garden. They have to make the cut, right? So we can become active in creating and designing our friend circle. And here's another thing we have to focus on. This is a very real thing when it comes to designing your friend garden and. And where to find these amazing friends to walk through life with. Ever since COVID was a thing and everything went virtual, right? I'm sure, you know, you remember that. But everything went virtual. We kind of went dark, and we found a comfort in being isolated. Now, at first it was a jolt, but then people kind of got used to it. They were like, well, this is great. I can do everything virtually. I can work virtually. I can go to seminars virtually. I can go to conferences virtually. I can go to church virtually. Why not just do friends virtually? Well, you can. And. And we do find that in, like, our involvement in certain Facebook groups, our involvement in. In virtual, like the chat groups, in our virtual meetings and stuff like that. You can see each other right on zoom or whatever like the display is, but you're not sharing the same physical space. So there is a risk here. Before we start finding out how to make these friends, where to find them, and how to make them your friends, we have to realize that there is a very real risk of depending on virtual. You can hide. You can hide behind a phone like this. You can hide behind your computer. And it becomes easier to do that because we've kind of adapted. We had to put things into play because of COVID and we kind of adapted around that. And so we have to realize there's a risk of just falling to the easiest format. There's a risk of just like, you know, I Can just attend church virtually? I can just have friends virtually? Yes, you can. But if we're going to be become very proactive in creating and designing our friend garden, that may mean we need to properly analyze the risk that comes into play when you decide to stay in your comfort zone behind a screen. So, yes, you can. You can totally have friends virtually, but we are still distanced from them. Where, yes, we're attending virtually and we're sharing the same, like cyberspace together, but there's still a risk of not really sharing the same space. Because when it comes down to it, yes, we have high tech. Praise God for it. It's so powerful, so instrumental in spreading the gospel and connecting people. Awesome. However, as human beings, we're still high touch. So where do we marry this high tech? With high touch, it may mean you asking yourself, can I get out of my comfort zone long enough to share physical space with people? Can I get up and go to church? Can I get up and make these friends? Can I approach people? Can I build physical relationships? Can we share the same space together? Yes, it will be more work on you. Yes, it may take a little more time and energy, but will it bless you 100%? Because, yes, we have high tech, but again, we remain humans that need high touch because we read energy, we feel energy. Has anyone ever, like, walked into your space and you can just feel the energy off of them? Maybe it was a very toxic, negative energy and you're like, oh, I kind of don't want to share space with this person. Or maybe someone walks in a room and you're just like, I don't know what this woman's all about. I don't know what energy she's carrying. I don't know what she's got going on, but I want to be part of her life because I love this energy. It's very positive, it's very charismatic, static. So this is why, yes, we can cerebralize everything virtually, but when it comes down to human beings, we sense emotion, we feel energy, and we need to become proactive in creating that space together. So analyze the risk, but realize it may take a little bit of effort to move into sharing physical space. So I want to talk about how to actually make friends. Okay? And I have five steps to making friends. I'm just going to walk you right through it. It's always worked for me. And I have the best friends. So I think this is going to work for you too. And you're probably one of them because I've designed basically MMU around How can I get the most amazing, positive, powerful, influential women together and we can encourage one another and go through life? Like, if you could wrap up MMU in a nutshell, that's what it's all about. So I'm so happy you're here and we're sharing the space, and I can't wait to share physical space with you as well. Our retreats, our events, make sure you're at the next one, because that's important. So the five steps to making friends. Number one, we ask ourselves, who do I admire? I know that seems like a very common sense school question, but often we don't really take inventory of the people in our lives. Like, who is in your life right now? Maybe you have a relationship with them, maybe you don't, but who is in your life that you really admire? Think about it. I want you to, like, go through all of the networks of people that you have in your life. Who are the people in there that you, you love the way they show up. You love the things they talk about. You love the energy that they exude. You love how they represent themselves. You, you've seen them in relationships with others, and you love how they handle that. Who do you admire? And this is important. This is our first step, and we're going to do the work. Make sure, like, you don't stop here. Make sure you get logged in to mmu, because this is where we do the work together. But we're actually going to, like, take inventory of those people that we admire. Now, just because someone's in your life, and maybe they're an influence in your life and maybe you have always spent time together, do you admire that person? And what I. To clarify a little better, if you don't want their life, then maybe you don't really want to foster a close friendship with them. It's the law of association. You become like the people you hang around. So if you look at their life and they may be funny, they may be charismatic, they may be like, full of life. And, and, and. But are the things they talk about, the, the things you want in your life are the, the areas of their life, their relationships, their marriage, how they handle their money, how they, how they just. Their philosophy of life, their spirituality, is it something you want in your life? So analyze that and say, who do I really admire? And that's where you begin making friends. Now step number two is be honest. Be honest. Sometimes we just start building relationships with people. We admire them and we try to, like, build rapport and kind of, you Know, get them into our lives, we get into their life. But I've noticed personally that when I am very, very honest with people, they respect that. They honor my honesty. So here's what that looks like. Hey, I just really think you're an awesome person. Like, I really admire you. And to be honest, I want more friends like you in my life. So I. I just want to become your friend. I just want to foster a friendship. And yes, that may seem weird, but I'm just going to be totally honest. I want to. I want. I want to. I want you to be my friend. That may not sound normal, but none of us here are normal. I wonder if it were easier just to be honest. I have used this with so many people. I've said, you know what? I just think you're an awesome person. I love your energy. I love what you talk about. I love how. How you show up for your kids. And to be honest, I want more friends in my life. Like, I feel kind of secluded sometimes, and I want more friends like you in my life. So, yes, I wanna. I'm gonna reach out to you. I want to set up a time to talk, and I want to be like, maybe we can go out for coffee or sometime. And they so appreciate that honesty. So that's important. Number two, like, just try being honest about desiring their friendship. Don't be weird. Well, it is a little weird, but, I mean, I'd be creepy. Like, I've been watching you and. And stalking your Instagram. Is that like. No, don't be creepy, because I'll be like, no, thank you. Just be. Just be honest. I really admire you. I. I love how you show up. I love your energy, and I want more friends like you in my life. That's it. Now, number three, set a date. This is important. Once you're honest and you say, I. I really would love to foster friendship with you and why don't we, like, meet up for coffee or sometime or. What do you. What do you have going on? And. Or I'm having a party at my house. I'd love to invite you over. I did that with one time I met this woman, and she was a coach, and we met at the airport, and she was so cool, and I just had such a good time. I was like, you know what? We're gonna have a party next month at my house. I'd love to invite you and your husband. She's like, oh, my gosh, that'd be wonderful. Yeah, set a date. Make it real. So as soon as you first of all, who do you admire? Step number one. Step number two, be honest. I would love to pursue a friendship with you. And number three, set a date. Now here is the test. When you set a date, do they kind of shy away from it? Are they non committal? Do they're like, oh, well, yeah, that sounds good. Like, yeah, just text me. This is kind of the dating thing. Like that dating energy, you know, the dating energy where you're like, hey, we should go out sometime. I'd love to take you out to a movie. And like, let's say the guy's like, I'd love to take you out to a movie sometime. Maybe we can go out for dinner. And the girl's like, oh, yeah, that sounds fun. Like, you know, just, you know, reach out to me. Like you can text me or something. And they don't respond to your text. Okay, get a clue. They really don't want a relationship with you. Okay, so this is kind of the test. Does this person want to reciprocate or not? Because don't take it personally. Honestly, some women and moms in their life, they just feel maybe like it's fine, they're coping. There's too much going on right now. Because I know I've gone through chapters, you've probably gone through chapters like that. Like, the last thing we want and is to try to foster a new friendship because we have so many things that are pulling at us. Like, we can barely, like get a shower in. And so don't take it personally if someone's non committal, but just put it out there as an offering that, you know, we should set a date sometime. Like maybe next week. Let's just meet up for coffee or something. If they're like, yeah, that'd be great. Get out your calendar there. You know that they are reciprocating. It's like kind of non committal and evasive. Take it as a clue. Maybe not this person, or maybe not this person right now. They have a lot of things going on or they're not really after a new relationship. Totally fine. So that's important though, to set the date to see if that is a reciprocal energy or not. Now, number four, Say yes. I have this plaque in my office and it just says these three words. Start with yes. It just reminds me to say yes more often. Don't just automatically say no. Don't automatically cancel it out. Don't automatically, like, assume it's not going to work. Start with yes. If you start with yes, your mind goes into a place where you can find solutions and operate out of curiosity instead of that constricted energy of no, this is inaccessible to me right now. When you start with no, you already shut doors in your mind. You're not open for options, you're not operating in curiosity. When you start with yes, all of a sudden possibilities start to emerge out of every place. So start with yes. And what I mean by this is you admire this person, you're honest, you set a date. But what if they approach you? Think about it. What if they approach you with this energy of like, hey, we're going to get together, we're going to have a book club or we're getting together at my house or hey, we're doing this thing before you automatically think, think, why not? Why don't you think, hey, I could do this, this, this, this could be possible. Instead of just canceling it out, think, if this were an option, then why not just start with yes? And here's where I go with this. Whenever I start with yes, I'm either going to have a great result or a great story either way. So think about this. Like, I remember one time this woman texted me and she said, hey, I'm gonna have a sing out for my birthday and I just love you to come. Okay, what is the sing out? I didn't even know, and I really didn't know her or her friends well enough to like show up at a party, but she invited me. Cool. I started with yes. I said yes, I would love to. I give me the date, give me the time. And it's one of those things where like, okay, I'm either gonna have a great result, I'm gonna have a great time, I'm gonna make some new friends, it's gonna be so much fun. Or I'm gonna have a great story. Oh my gosh, this was so bad. And I felt so awkward and I gotta tell you about it because it was hilarious. Either way, it's going to be a good result. So what happened was I went to the sing out, I met all these new people and we just literally for her birthday, we just sang worship and praise music. She invited her, the minister of music from her church and he brought his keyboard. It was so much fun. I'd never done that before. What a great experience. So I had a great result. Either way though, if it had turned out like not so good, I would have had a great story. So I want you to start with yes when it comes to making friends, because you're either going to have one or the Other a great result or a great story. Now number five. Now this is the most critical element to making friends is be a friend. I know you've heard it. It's age old wisdom. It's probably written on the Rosetta stone somewhere, but, or in a cave. But it says to have a friend be a friend. We all know that. But are we practicing it? We want people to show up for us. We want people to support us, we want people to, to, to want a relationship with us and, and, and be encouragers for us. But are we doing that for other people? Are we being a friend? Are we being a friend to, to strangers when we're out in public? Are we being a friend to those people who just, you know, have things in their life that come up? Are we showing up for them? Because if you want people to show up for you and go through life with you, you have to show up for them and go through life with them. So very important, number five, be a friend. Now here comes the next phase of this coaching session. Where are we going to find them? Well, they're all around us. We know this five, these five steps that we're going to start putting into practice. But we need to put these people up to the litmus test. Now there is a friendship litmus test. And a litmus test tells you whether something is acid or alkaline. You probably went through that in science class, right? Well, there's a litmus test for friends and it's basically how do you tell if this person. Now, now you know, you set a date for coffee and you're engaging with them and you're talking and you're texting and you're, and you're sharing stories and, and you're meeting up. But how do you know that they pass the friendship litmus test? Here's a series of questions that you can ask yourself around this person to see if they make it in your garden or not. The first question, do they encourage me to be my best self? Do you find when you're with them that you're motivated to show up bigger, higher? Like, do they bring out the best in you? That's a very important question because sometimes, like friends are great, but some friends don't always bring out the best in us. We find that we start gossiping when we're with them or we find we start looking negatively at the world or we find our energy kind of declining instead of, instead of escalating, right? And so ask yourself, like, do they encourage me to be my best self? Now the Second question is, do they genuinely celebrate my wins? That's a big one. I was coaching someone the other day and she's like, there's this friend I have and she's lost. Since we started coaching just months ago, she's lost 40 pounds. And she was like, it's crazy because this one friend that she has kind of has distanced herself. And the other day she's like, how much more weight are you going to lose because you're starting to not look good. Interesting. Very interesting. This other person also struggles with her weight and her weight hasn't budged. And so I tell people, like, especially when you get inside, Mom, Master University, you're going to have radical change in your life. It's going to start showing up in your energy and your body and your finances, in your home. Now, here's the deal. When it, when it challenges people, you know, they probably aren't made to stay in your garden. There's probably some weeding you have to do because they are not celebrating your wins. What happens when you have wins is it challenges them and they start seeing their losses. And when it feels challenging, they would rather you, like, decrease how you're showing up, not get the results and make them feel more comfortable. These people, your lifers, those friends that make it in your garden, they are the ones who are going to honestly celebrate your wins when you win. They are so excited, they're so ecstatic, they're so happy for you. And that's how you can really find out if this friend is secure or not. Insecure people will be challenged by another people's, by another person's wins. Secure people, confident people are excited about other people's wins. So now the third question, do they respond positively to my pain? Now, with friends, there's going to be pain. We all go through pain in life. Every single human has to feel pain in life. It is unavoidable. Jesus said, in this world, you will have trouble, right? But he also said, take joy, I've overcome the world. So here he was, here's Jesus showing up saying, look, you're. There is pain. I'm not going to pretend you're not having pain. You are going to feel pain. But I've overcome the world. So let me go through this with you so you can live as an overcomer too. So this is how we know that the friends that make it in our garden, how they respond to our pain. First of all, a positive response to pain doesn't always mean, hey, cheer up, hey, feel better, hey, you know it could be a lot worse. That isn't always a positive response to pain. Sometimes a positive response to pain is just by allowing the pain, embracing the pain, being able to sit in the pain with you and not try to change it. When it's a negative response to pain, it means pain, like your pain, could potentially drive them away. They're not comfortable with your pain, so they're driven away. Or they make the pain worse by focusing on all the negative. Or they make it about them. Well, this is bad for you, but, like, so much worse for me. Let me tell you how this is worse for me. So those are all negative responses to pain. So we have to think, are they responding positively to my pain? Now the fourth question. This is a big one. Do they talk poorly about others? Now this is always. Sometimes friends bond over, like, their perspective on other people, right? Like, sometimes it could be political, cultural, how they raise their kids, their. How they live their life, how the conversations, their habits, whatever. Sometimes friends bond over a perspective on other people. But I want you to think about this. Is this person talking poorly about other people? Because I promise you, promise you, if they're talking poorly about other people, they're talking poorly about you just understand that, that, yeah, maybe we bond over gossip or like, you know, airing out each other's, you know, another person's trash. If that's where you find your solid relationship, then it's not so solid. That may be someone that, you know. Maybe it may be a. Showing a filter on you. Maybe it's shining a light on you and saying, wow, what filter am I using to go through life? Do I have to talk poorly about other people? And if I'm talking poorly about this person with this person, then I might be talking poorly about this person with this person. Do you see? It's. It goes both ways. So find out. If they're talking poorly about another person, they're probably doing the same to you. Now, number five, do they encourage my relationship with God? This doesn't mean they have to be on the same page as me, but do they encourage my relationship with God? Now there are. I have had. I have friends who are not Christians, but they embrace my relationship with God. And if I ever faltered in there and that they would, they would call me on it. They'd be like, no, Hannah, I know you're a faith person. Like, I know this about you. So what's happening here? Like, even they don't have to. Your same relationship with God, if they encourage your relationship with God. And now the last One, this is number six. Do they enjoy you or do they need you? If they enjoy you, perfect. If they need you, then do you have to feel needed? You know, one of the core needs we have as people is for significance. And them needing you may actually be fueling your need for significance. And I think that's just something to be aware of. And let's question it. Because friends should enjoy one another, not necessarily need that person. Now, yes, we all need friends, but if it's a continual pattern of they always need me, constantly needing me, then we have to question that relationship. Is it really something I want to carry in my friend garden for the rest of my life? Now, the last area we're going to go to in this coaching series and this is something I'm so excited to get to wrap up with this, we have a way inside Mom Master University for you to build your friend network and that is becoming a campus director. This is something I am so very excited about having. Inside Mom Master University is a way to bring powerful women together for amazing transformation. So if you are inside Mom Master University, if you're not inside Mom Master University, why not get inside today before you go to bed? You will have access to an entire vault of over 300 coaching programs. You're going to be able to, if you sign up for elite, get a one on one coach before you go to bed tonight and I'll be coaching you on Monday. Like, this is the easiest decision I think you'll ever make and it is one that's going to profit you abundantly. But once you're inside Mom Master University, every single member has access to become a campus director. What does that mean? It means that you get access to our programs and you get to share them with other people at no cost. This is not an additional cost for you. This is a way that we have developed to get our ministry out there in a global perspective. Reaching millions of moms is having this campus outreach. So this is one thing, remember we talked about in part one, why we tend to isolate. And the problem is there are so many moms right now who are living in isolation. What if we could do something about that? So by signing up to become a campus director and start your own camp and it's so easy. Just log into MMU and go to campuses. It says start a campus. It's right there. You can do it virtually, you can do it live. But maybe there's some moms that you know, three or four or 12 or 15 moms that you know that starting right now you can say, let's just get together every week, let's listen to the podcast. And you will have access as a campus director to the notes that you can lead people through. So even if people aren't inside Mom Master University, you can still serve them in such a beautiful way by providing that atmosphere and helping them, becoming a mentor for them and coaching them through the process of just applying what we do here inside Mom Master University. So make sure you go to start a campus right now. This is something that, you know, what we're really doing here is church planting. Because think about it, a church is not an organization. A church is not a building. A church is me. A church is you. We are the church. And I believe that we're going to see real change in this world only through the family. Like, I don't believe that if we're going to change the world, it's not going to happen through churches. It's not going to happen through. Through politics, through the government, through education. It's not going to happen. It's not going to happen there. It's going to happen in the home, and it's going to happen through moms. Because moms are the most powerful, influential force that we have in this world today. So this is where, like, get fired up about this. There are women living in pain and isolation. You can invite them to become part of your campus, just to show up once a week to provide that high tech and high touch, to provide that safe space, to reach out to someone who could be hurting and say, come on. Remember that the most important step to making friends is to be a friend. What if you could be a friend? Starting a campus today. Give it whatever name you want, give it whatever theme you want, have whatever activities you want. But we provide all the content so they can go to the podcast, they can listen to the podcast, I can watch the show, but then we can get together at your campus and go through all of the workbooks. You get to do that. You get to be a force of change in someone's life today, just by deciding, you know what, I'm going to start a campus. And we love our campus leaders. We love them, we celebrate them, we talk about them, we pray over them. We. We have incentives where, like, you build your campus and we award you like. There's so much fun that we have inside our campuses. So maybe this is God's calling today, to start a campus right where you are. You don't have to hit any level, you don't have to perform in any way. You don't have to say. Okay, now I'm stable enough in my life to do this. No, right here, right now, where you are. Watch God show up. And this has been such a good time together. I'm so excited. But it doesn't stop here. Remember, log into MMU and make sure you go to this episode and do the work inside mmu. You have the workbooks, and I actually go through that with you step by step. We do the work together. So remember, this is just the first part. Log in, download the workbook. Let's do it together. Okay? Because I want to see you succeed. I'll see you inside mmu. So what about you, Mama? Are you ready to enroll in the only school that will not only change your life, but also your legacy? Go to Mom Mastery Unit University, where we dive deep into the biblical principles that give ordinary moms extraordinary results. Get enrolled today.