Making and Keeping of a Friend: Part 2

Have you ever thought about what happens when we outgrow friendships? How do you know you're outgrowing friendships? How do you know this is something you may need to leave behind? And if so, oh, my goodness, how do you do it? You know, for moms, it's a challenge anyway to make friends, keep friends. But then what happens when we outgrow friends? That's what we're going to talk about today because we are right in the middle of a coaching series called the Making and Keeping of a Friend Friend for Moms. This can be a real challenge. So we're diving into everything. If you missed part one, make sure you go back and watch that. But stay here with me right now because I have a feeling you were led here for something extraordinary. So hang out with me. We're going to dive into what to do, how to handle those situations when we outgrow friendships. Stay tuned. Welcome to Mom Mastery University. The education every mom should have had but didn't. I'm Hannah Keeley, America's number one mom coach, and class is now in session. All right, guys, welcome back. I'm your coach, Hannah Keeley, and we're talking about friends, how to make friends, how to keep friends, how to nurture friends. And today, well, we might be talking about how to let go of friends. That's right, because the ones who start are always the ones who finish. And sometimes face it, as moms, we go through so many different phases, so many chapters of life. There's so many challenges, and. And sometimes the friends we have don't always make the cut. I know that might sound, wow, arrogant or rude, but let's face it, sometimes we get to places in life where friends don't always fit like they used to. Maybe you're evolving. Maybe your friends are not. Maybe. Maybe you just have different realities that you have to face in life, and all of a sudden, you just don't sync up that well. But we're going to talk about all of that today because this is part two in the coaching series, the Making and Keeping of a Friend. So we're talking about what happens when we outgrow friendships. Now, in part one, we talked about why we isolate, why friends are hard for moms, because sometimes it is. So make sure if you haven't go back and watch part one, I think you're gonna. I think you're gonna really enjoy that. It sheds a light on how your. How your wiring is as a mom and why sometimes we have a tendency to isolate and friends just. I don't know, they're just hard, right? Sometimes. But we're talking today, this is part two. We're talking about when we outgrow, what happens and why does it happen when all of a sudden the friends don't feel like they fit anymore. So we're going to talk about your friend garden today. And there's actually five different kinds of friends. So let's go ahead and dive right in. What are these five different types of friends? Well, I've always thought of friends as a garden. So we're going to go in our garden and talk about our friends. So the first kind of friend. These are the perennials. If you know anything about gardening, you know, perennials are those plants that just keep coming back every season, right? As soon as it hits fall, you know, these plants are coming back. As soon as it's spring, these plants are coming back. Summer, these plants are coming back. I have some coneflowers outside, and sure enough, every single year, they keep coming back more prolifically than they were last season. I have some ruela that is growing. And sure enough, every single, every single spring, they start coming up out of the ground and bringing all their friends with them. And so we do have friends in our lives that are perennials. We know season after season, no matter what that season looks like, whether it's a season of new motherhood, challenges where you feel tired, overwhelmed, you're. You're doubting yourself, they're going to be there. You know, when you enter into just the navigation years of motherhood, when you're just finding your groove and trying to get those routines of systems in place, they're going to be there, you know, in those phases when the kids are growing up, entering the teen years, all those challenges, the hormones, they're going to be there. So with perennials, how do we nurture them? We nurture them with an expectancy. We feed them, we take care of them, and we allow them to pull back when they need to pull back. This is important to understand about the perennials in your life, those friends. Sometimes there are seasonal challenges. Might be a move, might be a chapter they're going through. And we know we allow them to pull back because we'll meet back up. So we don't put a lot of pressure on perennials. Perennials are, are, you know, those, those ride or dies are always there for you. We don't take advantage of them. We love our perennials, but we just know, you know, when they're, when we don't see them there, they're still there. They just might need to recede for a bit, or we might need to recede for a bit, but we're still there. We're still good. We're still with this expectancy that I'm going to see you is fine. You're good. If you need to take some time away, if I need to take some time away, if I need to go dark for a little bit, it's all going to be okay. I'm going to check in on you, make sure you're okay, make sure the soil is good, make sure it's well fed, and make sure it's covered in the winter. But you know what? I have a faith and a restful trust that we're good. So those are the perennials. Now, we also have our annuals. Now, annuals are for a season only. Now, this is challenging because not every chapter looks the same. In motherhood, everything feels different. I was not the same mom when I was. When I was a new mom and I had babies was far different than how I am now, you know, in midlife. And my kids are, you know, they've flown the nest, right? I'm an empty nester, and so it's quite different. I'm a very radically different person. And so the seasonal friends in that season of my life didn't all make the cut. And that's okay because you change, your friends change. And if we hold this idea that my friends have to be permanent, then we can't hold them with the loose energy of being able to let them go. With annuals, we know we're going to enjoy them for that season. If they come back, they come back. You know, I have these beautiful hydrangeas and I have them in these, these pots outside. And I thought they were just seasonal plants, right, because they were in a pod and I let them die away in the fall, dead. The pot is barren. It's just soil. And I was expecting, you know, through. Through winter, of course they wouldn't make it, right? They're in a pot. They're not like plants into the ground. And they were just like small, you know, hydrangeas. And so I was planning on what I was going to plant there in the spring in those pots. And sure enough, in the spring, guess what? They came right back. Beautiful, like twice as big. Gorgeous hydrangeas that made it through the season. I didn't think they made it through the winter, but they did. And they came back so beautiful. So we hold this energy around the annual friends and, you know, those seasonal friends that, you know what you're good for the season. I'm not going to put pressure on you to stay with me through the next season, but let's keep in touch. Let's, like, interact and see if we still have that same energy as we move forward. Sometimes the annuals are beautiful for the season, but we have to let them go and know that that spot will be filled with something else. But then sometimes our annuals start to turn into perennials, and now we're traveling through chapters together. So beautiful. Now, another thing in our garden, this is number three, and these are our fruits in our vegetables. Because, like, what's a garden without, like, some strawberries there or BlackBerry vine, right? Or, you know, of course, we have to have the zucchini plant that keeps coming back and coming back and coming back. What do you do with all this zucchini in August? But we have to understand with the fruits and vegetables, they nourish us. Now, these are the plants that we keep in our life, and we replant them and we feed them and we care for them, and we make sure all the pests are. Are off of them, and we make sure we're, like, giving them all the nutrients they need, and we're looking at them all the time to pick the fruit. These are the friends in our lives that are there to feed us. And there are times in my life, like, I can think of a lot of mentors in my life. A lot of them were there for season, A lot of them turned into perennial friends that continue to feed into me. But these fruits and vegetables, that's the harvest. That's the. That's the fuel. It's the food that nourishes you. So there are people in life that come into your life for a season. It might be a prayer partner that comes into your life. It might be a mentor as you build a business or ministry or just motherhood, right? It could be your coach, Inside Mom, Master University, because I know the relationships I have with my coaches all turn into these beautiful friendships, and we stick together. And we may not have a coaching agreement all the time, but guess what? We just keep coming back to each other, right? Because we nourish each other. Now it's important for these people that God has placed in your life to nourish you and feed you. The one thing we have to keep in mind am I feeding them? So if you're. If you have any green thumb at all, then you know that fruits and vegetables, you don't just plant them and then walk away. And all Of a sudden, they give you all this fruit, right? You have to watch them, you have to water them. You have to make sure you're feeding the plant. You have to make sure you're, you know, caring for it, removing any pests or weeds. And this is how you feed the plant that feeds you. So these fruits and veggies, these friends in your life that are fueling you think about, how can I bless them? How can I check in on them? Could it be just like, I send them a Starbucks card and, like, text them a Starbucks card? Like, you can do that? Like text a gift card? Or can I just send them an encouraging note? Can I write them a letter to tell them what a difference they made? I know whenever I get cards or letters that thank me for how I have poured into other people's lives through my coaching or my mentorship, I. Those are like gold to me. Like, I have a drawer in my home with just cards and letters that have thanked me for me pouring into their life. And I. Those are. I will go back and I'll revisit them. Every time I'm in a place of doubt, I'm like, I'm going to go look at my cards to know I'm making a difference in people's lives. So for those fruits and veggies, those beautiful friends that are fueling you, that God has allowed to fuel you, bless them, feed them, fueled them. And that happens through gratitude. Now there's a fourth, and we got to talk about it. No garden is complete without the weeds. Yeah, the weeds, they pop in there, right? You're like, wait, I didn't even plant you. What are you doing there? You're taking over everything else. I didn't even plant you. Now, weeds are work. I want you to think about that. Weeds are work. It's work to pull them, and it's work to keep them out. But no matter how you look at it, the weeds are going to be work. Now, what are weeds? Wow. How do I explain this without looking arrogant? They're the people that come into your life. I'm just going to say it. Can I just say it? They're the energy vampires. They suck you dry. They want more of you. They keep needing you. They. They're takers, right? Everything seems to be about them. Or maybe they just, you know, have this, like, negative energy. Or. Here's the crazy thing. You just. Just don't sync up. You just don't. You just don't, like, abide well together. Their energy is not your energy. You feel like, things are forced. These are weeds. And it's okay to understand that you are not to take care of everyone in your life. You have your priorities. You have a family, and the family is first. You have to take care of you, and you have to take care of your family. And beyond that, sometimes we need a spirit of discernment around the friends in our life, around the people that are in our life just because they're in our circles. That could be neighbors. It could be people who you go to church with. It could be people in a. In a Bible study with you. It could be in a. In a group that you do. It could be, I don't know, like, all of the things we do as moms, we have a lot of people in our lives, and some of those people do not add to our life. So you got to think about this. If they're not adding to my life, they could be subtracting from my life. Because everything that is not a very, very strong yes is, oh, heck no. That's how it has to be for moms. That is basically discernment in a nutshell. Everything that is not a oh, yeah is a heck no. So if friends are not a oh, yeah, then maybe we need to weed the garden, pull them out. Because it could be a heck no. Because it is taking time and energy. And everything we say yes to means we're saying no to something else. It could be no to your own time. It could be no to time with your children, with your. With your husband. It could be time devoting to something where God is leading you. But everything we say yes to, we have to understand. We're also saying a no. Where is that no? That's what we need to find. And as soon as we find that no, we're like, wait, I don't need to spend time and energy here. This is a plant that has to go. If you think about weeds in your garden, it's a plant that is not bringing beauty or function. Like, think about the annuals, the perennials, the fruits and veggies. A zucchini plant is not the prettiest plant in the world, but it's providing function, is fueling you. Right? The annuals are beautiful. The perennials, yeah. They're like, maybe they're attracting butterflies. Maybe they're attracting bees and pollinators. Like, they're doing something. You have them there because of their beauty or their function. What about the weeds? They're not performing beauty or function. So do you have to continue to water the weeds? Maybe it's going to be work because weeds are work. Maybe it's going to mean I need to do some weeding. Okay, So I got to get to the fifth type of plant. Now, these are what I call the no longer working flowers. The no longer working plants. There are plants that we have planted for a season. They're there, and all of a sudden, we feel obligated to keep those plants there. I remember in this. This planting strip in my backyard, it's. It's over next to our. Next to our fence, kind of out of the way, beautiful little spot. And I had three. Three bushes there that I had watered over and over and over and cared for them for, gosh, four years. And then I looked at those bushes one day, and I realized those aren't working anymore. I planted things around them. I did some, you know, landscaping. I built, like, this little beautiful, like, secret garden, like, right beyond it, and they just weren't working anymore. There was a time where they looked okay and they worked, but they weren't working anymore. And that one day, I just looked at them with fresh eyes. I'm like, I don't think these belong here anymore. They worked once, but they're no longer working. They're the no longer working plant. So I dug them all up, literally that day before I moved away from that energy, I went. I got a shovel, I dug them up, and now I have a strip, and I planted some beautiful flowers and some. Some. Some vines that are now attracting, like, all the. All the bees and all the butterflies. It's just like this beautiful area now that I love looking at. But before, it was just, yeah, I'll just keep watering it. I'll just keep weaning it. And then I realized, wait, why am I doing this anymore? So there are. There's a type of friend in your life that may have worked in one season, and you might feel obligated to continue to care for that friend in a different season. But it's not selfish. We have limited resources when it comes to time and energy, and so we have to use discernment around where we're going to spend that time and energy. And if the friends are just no longer working, it's okay. It's okay to be in that spot where you're like, maybe I don't need to continue to pour into this relationship anymore. It worked once. And now just out of this feeling of obligation, I'm still feeding this plant, and it's really not working for me anymore. Now we have to work with some belief around that okay. Before you can let a friendship go and do some of your garden weeding, because that's what it is. We got to weed our friend garden. Not everyone's going to make the cut before you can let friends go. And what we're doing is we're making room for what we desire in there. If you're going to talk about the making keeping of a friend, we have to set the ground rules. We have to clear the landscape and know these are the kind of friends I want in my life. Some won't make the cut. That's okay. But we have to work with the belief. I can't disappoint people. Now, if you are a people pleaser, this will be a challenge for you. But that's what we're doing here, that's why we're here, is we work through challenges to become the next version of ourself, which is always better than the one that you're in right now. That's why you're here. You're here for growth. And so that that growth means I have to look at the belief that I can't disappoint people. Can you. Can you give yourself permission for people to. To have whatever reaction they want around your behavior? Do you have to tiptoe around people? Do you have to make it safe for people? Do you have to make sure they don't get upset or mad? Think about that. Does that feel like the heavy yoke? Yeah, that's hard. Because what it means is now you are the responsible party for another person's emotions. Let me ask you this. Have you ever evolved or learned something or grown through disappointment, ever? You're probably thinking, yes, I can actually remember several times through disappointment I actually grew and I'm grateful for it. So by you thinking you can't disappoint people, you could actually be preventing them from doing some amazing growth in their life. Do you have to make sure people are not disappointed? Maybe not. Maybe you can operate with freedom and allow people to be responsible for their own emotional response. That's freedom. And when you start to get to that place, then you can work through that instinct to immediately try to please people. You become free. Think about it. To not have to hold responsibility for other people's emotions. Doesn't that sound like freedom? Doesn't that sound liberating? Doesn't that sound like you can take like a big, huge, deep, fresh breath? I can just be me and give everyone the freedom to respond however they choose to respond. Because when you think about it, people pleasing Is actually a passive form of manipulation. We're trying to manipulate people so that we don't feel bad. It's okay. You don't have to protect yourself. You don't have to protect people. You don't have to manipulate anything because you are free to feel how you feel. And they are free as well. Freedom goes so far. Okay, so we have to keep gardening. This is what we do. Gardening is whether you, like, literally garden or not. Gardening is an expression. It is something we do for several reasons. I'm going to talk about that. There's actually four reasons why we garden, but these are the same four reasons why we create a friend garden. A friend garden is the selection of who we spend time and energy with. We get to determine the garden. The garden does not have to be determined for. For us, this is a big problem for moms because a lot of times the social circles and the friend circles of our mom, and we talked about this earlier, are by default and not design. So what if you chose. I'm going to be a designer. I'm going to design my friend garden in a way that I really enjoy. That uplifts me, that encourages me, that fuels me. I'm going to enjoy this. So there's four reasons why we garden, but we're doing this on a friend level. I have this poster and it says, don't judge me. Okay? Don't judge me. But it's this woman holding a shovel, and it says, gardening because murder is wrong. And I love that because I just feel like gardening is just. I love to garden. It is such a release. I just get lost in it. I'm in my flow state. Even I'm pulling weeds when I'm pruning. When I'm planting, it's just. It just feels so, so good. So what if this could be this beautiful place where we're nurtured? Because murder is wrong. Like, we need to deal with our emotions. And a great way to deal with our emotions and manage them better is to have a support system to help us in that Friends are a beautiful thing to have in life. And when you design your friend garden in a way that nurtures you, then you're happy with the results and they add to your life instead of subtracting from your life. So there's four reasons we garden, and these are the same four reasons we make friends. The first reason that we garden. You ready for this? Is the power of creation. We are actually operating in our highest power. When you think about it as a woman, you have the Gift of creation. Think about it. You. You're the womb. Like, you provide the place for the seed to take place. And I mean, and to plant and now grow into another being. What God poured in you, this power of creation. So we garden because, honestly, what we create creates us. Everything we create now turns and pours into our life and creates us. Think about it. With your kids, you create your kids, and then your kids create you because of the impact they make on your life. We create a garden, and then the garden creates us because of how it fuels us and. And how it enriches our life. Sometimes we create problems, and then the problems create us. So whatever we create creates us. So if we're operating in our highest power, and that is creative ability, that's our truest spiritual self, is being a creator. And when we're doing that, we can choose to create in a positive direction or a negative direction. Again, the gift of discernment. And sometimes that is literally praying to God. God, let me see what I'm not seeing right now. Let me hear what I'm not hearing right now. God, give me wisdom that I might not have right now to know whether it's a heck yeah or a heck no. Because if it's not a oh yeah, then it might have to be a heck no. So this power of creation is channeling our ability. Like, when we're talking with people, when we're interacting with people, we're using this power of selection to think, is this what I want to pour my creative power into? Do I want to create a relationship with this person? Do I want to take this further? Do I want to touch base with them? Do I want to meet them for coffee? Do I want to invite them over? Do I want to invite them to my. To my MMU campus? Do I want to get this party started? And we get to operate in that power of creation? So that's why we garden, and this is why we garden our friends. That's how we cultivate our friends, is because we see that there is potential here in a relationship, and we get to create it. Now, the second reason we garden is it changes our world. Think about it. If you. If you love gardening or if you've seen, like, gardening shows or home improvement shows, you know, they're like. A lot of times you'll see this, like, empty landscape, right? There's nothing there. And sometimes it can look distracting, it can look messy. And then you bring in the plants, you bring in the landscaping, you bring in the pots and the lighting and all the things. And all of a sudden you have a garden. And guess what? You want to be in that garden because it's such a place of beauty. So friends allow you the power to change your world. You know, isolation might feel easier, but it doesn't become easier. It actually gets harder and harder. So don't fall, you know, like we talked about why we isolate in part one, don't fall for that trick of isolation thinking. Just because it feels better, it's going to be better. It's not better. It actually will get progressively worse. So how do I change my world? I cultivate friends. I reach out to people, I talk with people, I open up with people. And guess what? All of a sudden, I see a difference. When we start to think about it, when we're gardening and we go to those home improvement stores or a nursery and we see some place, oh, they're so pretty. Like, something just draws me to them and I want to take them home and I know the perfect spot and I put them in there and I take care of them. It changes your environment. Beautiful thing. So the same thing with friends, it changes our world. You know, we're here to make a difference. We're here to change the world. And I believe that in order to make a difference, in order to make a difference in this world, it really boils down to, am I making a difference in people's lives? So am I making a difference in people's lives? Maybe friends aren't always about who's going to fuel me and who looks best in my garden, but how I can show up in their garden, can I fuel them? Can I be a blessing to them? And when that synergy happens, something in me wants to bless you and something, and he wants to bless me. And I feel this connection that God has drawn us together for such a time as this. Add them to your garden, you're going to change their life, and you're going to change your world. Now, number three, it makes life beautiful. Gardening makes life beautiful. Friends make life beautiful. Do you know one of the highest energies you can, like, measure energy? One of the highest energies is the energy of laughter, right? It, like, knocks off the scale, baby. The energy of laughter is such a high positive vibration. Think about it with friends, those are the people you can laugh with. The people who can lighten the load a little bit. The people who help you see humor in the things that do not look humorous to you right now, or the people you can just share the same story and you're both laughing about it. Laughter is Contagious. But it's not going to be contagious if you don't have people around you to spread it to. So friends make life beautiful. I mean, think about this. As soon as something great happens in your life, what's the first thing you want to do? Tell somebody. Right? Celebrate. Friends are there not just to lighten the low in the hard times, but to celebrate the great times. A garden does that. A garden makes life more beautiful. It makes hard times feel less hard. It makes good times feel more celebratory. So what if that's another reason why we just get in there and garden? Because it makes life beautiful. It makes our life beautiful to have people we can walk with through life. It makes life more adventurous, more laughter, more. More beauty. So this is one reason why we continue to garden. And the last reason. This is number four. It blesses you. Now this, I believe the, that God, the way we bring value to people is honestly God's blessing and operation. Think about, you can't get out of the first chapter of the Bible without reading that. He blesses us and then tells us, now go, be fruitful, multiply. Go replenish the earth, go subdue it and have dominion. All of that. How does it happen? By blessing other people, you are able to bear fruit because you bring something of service in you to help other people. And there's a value exchange. And now fruit is grown in your life and fruit is grown in their life because you blessed them with value. You are a high value person. But we have to understand how to bring this value to other people so we can operate in God's blessing. God wants to bless you. How does God bless you? Typically he blesses you through people. So how does that chain of events start? Something in you pours into them. That's where the chain starts. When I know I can bless people, when I know I have something of value and I get it to them, the law of reciprocity takes over and then they start pouring value into your life and all of a sudden the blessing is in operation. Friends are a blessing. And you know why friends are such a blessing to you? Because you're such a blessing to them. So that's how we kick it off. We're going to learn to have dominion by beginning to bless other people. So look at how you can bless other people. Look at how God can use what you're really good at, the gifting that you have and bring it to people's lives and watch what happens. Watch how they pour into you and all of a sudden you become the one who's sitting in your blessing garden. And gardening is amazing. I hope you've been blessed through this. And make sure you don't stop here. This is not the end. This is just the beginning. So make sure you get inside Mom Master University. Go do the work. It's very important that you do the work. And that's where like I take you through step by step. We do it in real time together. Do these exercises. You can take what this coaching is from your head and then put it out into the world so you can start to get results. This is not again where it stops. This is where it starts. So log into your account inside Mom Master University. Click on number two in this series, the Making Keeping of a Friend. And then do the extended work that you can only find inside Mom Mastery University. And if you're not a member of Mom Mastery University, why not get Inside? Go to mommastery.com, take a simple quiz, find out how we can serve you. Get inside. Your garden is going to be so blessed with the best friends ever. I'll see you inside mmu. So what about you Mama? Are you ready to enroll in the only school that will not only change your life, but also your legacy? Go to Mom Mastery University where we dive deep into the biblical principles that give ordinary moms extraordinary results. Get enrolled today.