Marriage Monday: 27 Years With NO FIGHTING

Okay, so my husband, Blair and I have Never fought for 27 years of marriage, believe it or not. We've never fought. And we're coming at you today, both of us together, to explain why not. Here's the big question. How are these average, everyday moms getting radical results in their lives? How are they able to transform their health, money, families, homes, and have fun doing it? The trick. Check this out. We're not average. I'm Hannah Keeley, and I'm going to spill our secrets and answer your questions right now in that mom show. All right, so 27 years, right?

27 wonderful, fightless years, and we've never fought.

And people do not believe that.

I know. Well, most people, they're like, come on. You know, and there's a difference between having a disagreement about something and fighting. And we should make that clear because, I mean, we have different ideas, we're different people, but we have always. We've never gotten to a point where we are fighting over anything. And there's a lot of.

A lot of things, like animosity, right?

There's no animosity. And there never was training to get us to that point. But we do have a lot of skills that we have built up over the, you know, during the duration of our marriage that has helped to maintain that. And it's beautiful. It's wonderful.

And we've never gone to bed angry.

Nope. That's one of the things that. One of the, you know, tips that we might be able to share that you never take a disagreement or you never take something that's weighing on your heart between you and your spouse to bed and just go to sleep on it, because it just festers. It causes the beginning of the next day to start off in a really bad spot. And we just don't. We never do that. Anytime we have a. A situation where we have a. I.

Don'T even know, like, disagreement is almost like.

Well, what I'm talking about is that.

You know, come on, we're taking the dogs on a walk. So you probably hear that, too.

You have a. You have a great business. Right. So, you know, and I'm involved with. With doing that. And you have ideas on how things go there, and I have ideas on how things go there. And so a disagreement occurs every once in a while about how we're doing that. And it can be frustrating, I know, for you, when I suggest one thing, and. But at the same time, in order to come in, come on, stop the festering of ill will or bad feelings or, you know, A situation where you don't feel like communicating, we step in and talk about it before the end of the day.

We have some bad communication skills.

Mad. I'm bad. They're mad.

We have some mad communication skills. Like. Like, they are. And the thing is, like Blair said, we've never gone. We've never done any, like, marriage programs, counseling programs, marriage retreats. We've gone through. Never gone through books, all that kind of stuff. We just learned how to do this, and I think a lot of it was modeled by our parents, but we have some strategies. Come on, come on, come on, dogs. On how to communicate. But we've never had a fight. And I want to talk about that, because we've. I think the reason we've never had a fight is we know how to argue so well. Does that make sense?

You know how to argue, and I know how to concede so well.

But we do. It's like there is. There are techniques on how to really. Come on, come on, bring him on. On how to have a really good, healthy argument, how to state a difference. Because, like, if you're always on the exact same wavelength, there's no, like, harmony comes from different notes being played and different. The dogs are getting all tangled up right now, and different personalities and different mindsets and things like that. Well, I think we both have the same mindset, which is a very successful, productive mindset. Yeah. But I think you have to know how to communicate and not play games. Like, we do not. We will not allow games. That's one thing that we decided early on. Like, we're both grown. I'm a grown woman. You're a grown man. We're not. We're done with, like, the baby games.

Right. And what we mean by games is, you know, doing things like the silent treatment or, oh, well, everything's fine. You can guess what's wrong. And if you do, I might not tell you. Type of. I mean, those kinds of games are.

What we talk about. Yeah. It's so immature.

It is.

And it's just a way to torture yourself, too. Because, honestly, when you start playing games, like the silent game or like, the I'm gonna be mad and you have to discover why or the guilt or all of those ridiculous things. You're torturing yourself because the other person is probably not taking any of it to heart.

Right.

So I'm not going to do I love myself too much to ever sacrifice the harmony that we have in our marriage and to contaminate that power that we have as a couple to be Joined together to kick butt in this life. Like we're supposed to be more powerful. Marriage is a magnifier. It's a multiplier. You're supposed to be more powerful together, and if you're not communicating effectively, then you're really hurting yourself. That's no way to express love to yourself. Definitely not a way to express love to your partner. You have to grow up and talk to each other, talk with each other in a way that's respectful and clear. And no games, no silliness.

Right.

Why did the dogs just stop? Oh, he's pooping.

Very detailed podcast here today.

It's always very detailed.

Right now, we are. The games thing is actually a key, and opening up the line of communication in a way that is. Just simplify it. Right. And it does take some practice. But whenever I have a point of view that is different than Hannah's in a particular situation, it could be a family situation, it could be our business situation, could be anything.

You admit it, and then I admit I'm wrong, and then you apologize, and then I accept your apology.

No, the point. No, what I do.

Sorry.

And this takes practice. This isn't something that is easy. If you haven't been doing this at all. Is in my head before I open my mouth, before I have something to say about it.

That's good.

Gotta work through it. Gotta think through it.

Like, how is this gonna play out?

Not even how it's gonna play out. Well, yes, you can do how it plays out, but how. What is the opposite side of this, you know, this. This disagreement? And how might it. How might I think through that before I go down the road that could lead to a fight? Right. So if I. I believe one thing, and I know that you've made a point of believing or, you know, having a thought on something that is completely the opposite, that could cause a disagreement and. And, you know, evolve into a fight. I think through the. What. What my point of view is, and then before getting into it. All right, well, wait a minute. Let me back up just a second. Let me think about Hannah's point of view here and, you know, go through it. I may not exit that thought process with, oh, well, Hannah's got a point. It's okay. I might still be in a place of disagreement, but I know where the conversation can go as opposed to being defended instead of being defensive and angry and then loud voices and all that.

Yeah. We've never raised our voice each other.

Right. And I'm proud of that.

I am, too.

I'm Very proud of that.

Dang proud of that.

But I mean, we, we, like I said, we, we are live in a world where we're different.

And that's good.

We are different and that's. We celebrate that every day. And that's sometimes leads to places where we have a disagreement. But, you know, the staying clear of playing games, thinking through what you're. You're gonna be talking about before you actually open your mouth. And if you have.

Stop. Come on, come on.

If you have to stop in the middle of a discussion and say, give me a second, let me think through what I'm talking about here. Because I'm very passionate about what I'm gonna. What I'm talking about.

Yeah. And be able to, like, how can I lovingly articulate this?

Right.

That kind of thing.

That's important. It does take practice. It's not something that, you know, we've got a long time that we've, we, you know, we have under our belt in regards to thinking that way and looking that way.

But one thing that I want to throw out there is we have a lot to do. And I believe the people who are listening to this, they have something that God has placed in them and the clock is ticking and they're like, you know what I need to create change. Hey, mama. We'll get right back to the podcast, but did you know there is an entire online university just for moms? If you're ready to get radical results in your life, just go to mommastery.com that's M O M M A S T E. Make sure you check it out and take your free quiz again. That's mommastery.com M O M M A S T-E-R-Y.com now back to the podcast. I need to do this. I feel this drive to get this accomplished when you know that you have a reason to be here in this earth and you have an anointing over your life and there's something that God has positioned you to do. Stop being a crybaby and getting your feelings all mixed up in it because you're wasting time and energy into acting like a little spoiled baby when you let your feelings get hurt.

Right?

Like we. Everyone has feelings. You don't have to let them get hurt and pout about it. Get over the pouting. Get over the. You're not a baby. Right? Like, you can, you can have. Come on. Come on. Like you can. Emotions are good, but our emotions should just tell us, like, they're a signal. What was I Thinking before this in order to have this emotion. So go back and say, maybe that wasn't the right thing. I should think, let me think something more powerful, right? We've just got too much to do.

To waste time fighting or just simply think through the process. The thinking process that got there, got you to the point where you are right, where you have your experience, life, you're feeling, experiencing emotions that are emotions.

Like I feel neglected, I feel frustrated, I feel taken advantage of, I feel misunderstood. That's fine that you feel that way, but go back and say, why? What was I thinking? And how can I think something more powerful? And how can I articulate this in a mature, loving way so it doesn't happen again?

I apply these principles at my business, at my, I mean, and that came out of our relationship. These are, these are principles that can apply. You can apply with.

Let me bring him up here.

Conversations with your children, with your family, extended family. You know, I apply this, this, these techniques a lot at my office. I mean, people are a little bit less compassionate in regards to how you feel when it comes to making certain business decisions and if it harms your feelings in the business world. As you know, people don't always care that much. They just want to keep moving time.

Out and see how we can make you feel better.

That doesn't work, right? So when I receive an email or a call or have a conversation with somebody that, that is counter to the direction I was working or whatever it may be stopping for a second before I send the fiery email back or, you know, returning a call with a fiery attitude. I, I will get up and literally just walk around the office or take a walk around the block outside for five minutes and think through everything was said and go through. Okay, well, wait a minute. What are the possible solutions to this other than what I am getting ready to fire back? And I, it almost 100% of the time it avoids a fight, a, you know, a heated discussion, an argument. And so the place where you can work on this and learn about this with your, with your spouse can apply to all aspects of your life, wherever you are.

Because even in parenting and relationships and.

With your own parents, I mean, with.

Your own family, extended family, I think communication is. Well, I think most, I would say almost all marriages break down because of lack of communication. Not lack of communication, lack of communication. Skill.

That's it. It's the skill. Right? And it is a skill.

It is a skill and you have to learn how to do it and to be able to put the touchiness aside.

Right.

And here, let's move the dogs over. And to be able to deal with this in a mature way.

Right.

So I think that's why, like, you know, 27 years. It's not that everything is on the exact same wavelength with us, but it's that we know how to communicate when it is and when it's not.

Right. Funny thing is that sometimes it doesn't even have to be verbal communication that we have. I mean, just because we've been together for so long and, you know, sometimes we can have the discussion without even having the discussion, which is incredible.

Yeah, that's true. That's true.

But it's practice and it's working on that communication skill set. Right. You are not born to be a great communicator. It is a learned. It is capability and people can get into their adult lives and not be strong in that capacity. It takes practice, it takes work.

Yeah. It amazes me really, how many people have undeveloped emotional maturity. Right. They're extremely emotionally immature. Where we will get our. Get our feelings hurt and then, you know, like, like I said, pout about it for two days or, or play the silly games. So much time and energy wasted in emotional immaturity. Right. We have to recognize our emotions and then be able to love a person enough to know how to explain it, know how to come up with a resolution. And so. Yeah. Together. So. Okay, so here's the thing. Before we wrap it up, I'm sure there are people who feel like, well, it's never my fault. What, what about that? Like, we both work on this, right? And we, but we, we both love each other enough to say, you know what? We're. I'm gonna love you through this. I don't always have to be right. I can do right and just love you right now.

That's a key statement, what you just said there. You don't always have to be right, but you have to do right. Right? And doing right in a situation, in a, in a, an elevated discussion, turning into an argument with your spouse or with a family member, you know, you. It's not that you're giving in and conceding to avoid a fight. That's not the, that's not the deal. It is doing right. What we're talking about here is doing the tips that we were talking about here. Stop for just a second, analyze what it is that you were talking about and what you're thinking and really, are you going down a path that is, you're just starting to move on emotion?

Yeah. Yes. You stepped out of logic and in love and into emotion.

And you have to slow that.

Yeah.

Thinking process out using that tip or, you know, again, some of the other communications tips.

But something else you said. I don't want to interrupt you, but I might lose it if, as you said, when it gets elevated. This is what I think everyone needs to understand, is that when it gets elevated, I've lost.

Yeah.

Like. Like, it's over.

Everybody's lost at that point.

Yeah. There is no communication once it gets elevated. You stepped out of love and into immature emotion, and everyone has lost. So once you get in an argument, you've lost.

Right.

There's no winner. There's no. Like, you're both losers.

Right. Even. Even if you, you know, you prove the other one wrong, you know what.

You get out of it? You still lost.

You still lost because you've. Well, you've hurt the other person. And the, you know, the quote, unquote, victory is hollow.

Yeah.

Because you actually. If you analyze yourself at that point, you're not. I mean, you just hurt somebody.

Yeah.

You know, through winning an argument or winning a fight, there's no. There's no victory for anyone.

It's so funny because we will have. We'll have those all the time. Like, oh, this morning, like, who sang. Who sang that song? Like, people are people. And I was like, oh, that's Tears for Fears. You said Depeche Mode. And I looked up, I was like, dang, you're always right. You're always right. But it's not.

I could have. So the wrong way to go about that would have been to, you know, say, all right, well, no, I think you're wrong. I think it's. It's one band and you think it's the other. I'm gonna prove, isn't it funny that.

Stupid things like that will actually get right?

That can. That can. That can escalate. And, you know, the thing is, is, you know, you know, your 80s bands. Well, I wouldn't say that, but there is a high probability I could have been incorrect on that. But in the overall scheme of our relationship and. And what we do together and all that kind of stuff, if it had. If we had said we're not going to research it, who cares? Yeah, I'm not. I mean, there's no reason.

Who cares? Yeah. I just had to look it up because I was like, wow, I really thought it was right. But when you. When you think about the silliness that we have a tendency to, like, people have a tendency to argue like the silly things you've. What you have done is when you choose to argue, you have now basically the covenant of marriage. You basically devalued over this topic. As valuable as the covenant of marriage is, you tore that covenant down and put it below the altar of you being right. Ooh, that just hit home right there.

That's a good one. Yeah, I mean, that's exactly right. You've basically taken everything that you committed to at the altar when you got married in whatever way that you got married and sent. It's just for not, you know, it doesn't matter.

I value me being right over you as my life partner.

Right, right. And that's, that's, that's what gets you into, you know, deeper into a. An argumentative lifestyle even.

So, I think, I mean, you know, we've got a lot more. Also, if you have not checked out Marriage Kitchen, please check out Marriage Kitchen because we have eight modules there. We take you like start to finish.

We go straight into this first one.

First one is on communication Y. So make sure you go to marriagekitchen.com check that out. And because this is just like not even scraping the top of the. Wait, is it scraping that I always get this wrong?

Let's argue over it.

What is it called? Scraping the top?

Skimming. Skimming.

Skimming the top of the. This isn't even scratching the surface. That's it. Okay. All right. So we barely scratched the surface.

That's right.

But we love you. We got your back. We want you to have an amazing marriage. And I think that begins with valuing the love that you have and the love for yourself. Because don't punish yourself by ever going into an argument. Value the love that you have. Value the covenant. And we know you're going to be blessed like crazy. Thanks so much.

We'll see you next week. Or at least I will see you. Well, I'll talk to you next week.

We'll talk.

Bye.

Bye. Are you ready to get radical results in your life? I can give you the jump start you need for massive success as a mom. In fact, I've got that mom show starter kit right here with your name on it, girl. And I want to give it to you absolutely free. Just go to thatmomshow.com or text the word kit k I t to 345. 345. That's the word kit to 345. 3, 4 5. That mom show starter kit comes with my best selling time management program for moms. Squeeze the day. My guided faith based master mom meditation and a printable copy of the Master Mom Manifesto. Print that baby out. Say it every day. Just watch what happens. That Mom Show Starter Kit is valued at over $300, but I want you to have it for free. Just go to thatmomshow.com or text the word kit. That's K I T to 345345. Again, text kit to 345345. I'll talk with you later.