Marriage Monday: Are You Trying To "fix" Your Spouse

Hey, friend. Welcome to Marriage Monday. It's me, Hannah. I got my husband Blair here with me and we're gonna dive into this age old problem of trying to fix your spouse. Can you do it? Maybe you can. We're gonna talk about the problem and give you some awesome solutions right here on that mom show. Here's the big question. How are these average everyday moms getting radical results in their lives? How are they able to transform their health, money, families, homes and have it the trick? We're not average. I'm Hannah Keeley and I'm going to spill our secrets and answer your questions right now in that mom show. Okay? So fixing your spouse, can it be done? Yes or no answer?

I think so, Yes. I mean, that's what you've been doing to me for 27 years.

Well, fixing your spouse. I want to talk about this because I hear from so many people, he's the problem, she's a problem. How do I change him? How do I change her? And I think before we even talk about if you can do that or not, or if you should, the motivation, right? Like first of all, why do you feel you have to change your spouse? Right?

Dig in to your own thoughts and your own feelings. Are you doing it because you're, there's an annoyance or there's a selfish desire for your spouse to be more like you? Which may be an impossible thing because.

Everyone thinks, man, if everyone were just more like me, actually that would be crazy.

Absolutely. I mean, there are serious issues. I mean there are problems, all those kinds of things. But if you need to first engage yourself with, okay, what's the motivation behind all of this? Why? Why do I desire it? What is the end game out, the result of what I would want to do here?

And I think we need to talk about this specifically because if you can get down to the why, then usually the hell takes care of itself. And so if we can talk about why do you want him or her to change? Usually I'm gonna say all the time it's because you feel you would be happier when that person's behavior is different. And so the whole motivation behind this is I will be happier. I mean, do you agree or do you think.

Yeah, well, absolutely.

Because even if it's for the betterment of the other person, even if you're like, but no, he, he or she would be have such a better life if they got rid of this anxiety or something like that, but still it, at the root of it, you will be happier because of your love for that person, you know, it's still, I will be happier when this person is different. And we need to about. Talk. Talk about that first and foremost, because you are 100% responsible for your own happiness. Right?

That's true. And again, not every situation will be an easy solution. There won't necessarily be a quick way around this. And sometimes it is a selfish behavior that you may want your spouse to participate in or be a part of or love more like you do.

Kind of like, I just wish you were more spontaneous or I wish, like.

Early in our marriage, I was a big sports fan. I mean, I still like sports, but I used to watch sports all the time. All I wanted was, you know, on Sunday afternoons or, you know, Saturday night or whenever, you know, whenever a game was on, for you to enjoy sitting down and watching ball with me. But that was. That was a behavior that, over a short period of time and actually reflecting on my desires and my needs and thinking a little bit about who you are and what you're about, that that wasn't ever gonna come to play without one of us being disappointed.

Right, right. Because. And I would be disappointed that I didn't have your time, that it was, you know, wrapped up in a ball game or something. And you are. I'm sure it was frustrating, you know, having me, like, run around in circles and not sit down and just chill.

Exactly. So I think you have to be careful when you are looking, you know, inside yourself, inside your own heart, inside your mind, to really understand what the genesis of it is. And if I had persisted, you know, 27 years ago, you've got to be a sports fan with me, because that's what we do on weekends and evenings.

Yeah.

And that's gonna be that. That's sort of the. I won't be happy unless you're doing that with me. That could be. That could have ended our relationship. It's something so trivial as that.

A lot of relationships do are destroyed, not because of the huge, you know, crisis, but because, just like the Bible says, it's the little foxes. That's why the grapes. You know, those little things get in there and drive you crazy, and all of a sudden they. You expand them in your mind to become more grievous than they actually are. And it's really not that big of a deal at first. I think the first thing we need to do is you've got to take 100% responsibility for your happiness, for your own happiness. That person cannot. Cannot make you happy, because all of a sudden, your internal thermostat is dependent upon someone else to set. Right? Like, you've got to be in charge of that. And. And if you can just get in your core that the reason you have this person is to love. Right? Like, what if that was the only thing not. Yeah, it'd be great to have a partner. It would be great to have, like, a help mate. It'd be great to share the load. What if you could get it in your mind that the reason this person is with me in my life, to love? Kind of like, you know, our dog is right here. Right. Right here with us, and his responsibility is not to make us happy, but. But our dog is there so we can love him. That's it. That's right. And.

And not get hung up on. Well, is he gonna be a. An outdoorsy dog? Is he gonna be a dog that likes to chase or wish he chewed less or.

I wish he.

Right, you know, you know, is he. Is he a. You know, is he gonna be a hunter dog or, you know, something like that that you want him to be.

He can't.

He doesn't have the ability to.

Right. And although we as humans do have the ability to change, that's not your.

That's not your responsibility. Yeah, exactly. You're not supposed to be the one to. To make. To make somebody else change.

Just to figure out, well, let's talk for a second. Because some people are like, yeah, I get that. Because, like, I've tried to make my wife, you know, neater and more on top of things, and she hasn't come around. Or I've tried to make my husband be a little more conservative with money, and he won't. Okay. These are the things that you really have to let go of and say, that person is that person. I love that person, and I'm gonna be happy whether or not he conforms to what I want for him to be or for her to be. I'm just gonna love that person as they are and be totally responsible for myself.

For your own happiness.

But what about serious things, though? What about things like, you know what? This is a dangerous thing. Like, this is gambling, right? An addiction. This is a. This is a very dangerous thing that can hurt the relationship.

Right. I. I think, you know, there are places where, you know, you do want your spouse to make a change in order to provide them with a better. A better life, a better outlook on life, that sort of thing. And I think these are places that are valid. And you may not always be able to do it on your own. It may Be something that you need to work with somebody else on with in order to help get to get to solutions here. But I think the tougher, you know, more serious types of change that need to happen in order for a relationship to continue on, those are very legitimate spots where you can, you know, attempt to make changes.

Oh, by the way, just a plug here for if you are having, like, serious problems. We do have a program, Marriage Kitchen.

Yep.

Where we dive into all that. So if you go to MarriageKitchen, was it? MarriageKitchen.com?

That'S it.

Yeah. So we do have a marriage program for you if it's a serious issue. But. But thinking that, you know, I just wish he or she were different. It can drag you down. What if I'm going to propose this crazy theory. Okay. Are you ready for this crazy theory? Okay, I think I just forgot it. I'm totally serious. Wait, wait, no. I had this theory and you were talking and the theory was talking about serious change.

Serious.

Yeah. Oh, oh. Here's my theory. Okay, thank you. You guys know, like, we're totally real here. I mean, we would have edited that out, but we're not. We're real. What if you could get this perspective about yourself that I'm going to be happy and I'm going to have an awesome life whether or not, like, I'm going to have an awesome life if he or she does change and I'm going to have an awesome life if they don't. If you could get that mentality. And that's again, assuming responsibility for your own life and your own happiness and, and your own productivity. But what if you could have that? You know what? My life is going to be awesome whether or not this person, you know, conforms to what I want him or her to be or doesn't. And then I think out of that perspective, you have the freedom where you're not dependent upon that person and you're not nagging that person and you're not reliant upon that person's behavior in any way because you're awesome.

Right.

Hey, mama. We'll get right back to the podcast, but did you know there is an entire online university just for moms? If you're ready to get radical results in your life, just go to mommastery.com that's M O M M A S T E R Y dot com. Make sure you check it out and take your free quiz again. That's mommastery.com M-O-M-M-A-S-T-E-R-Y.com now back to the podcast. You know.

Yeah. I mean, it is taking full and total responsibility for yourself and your own feelings.

Yeah.

And that in itself, I think, can be places where change can be manifested.

Right.

So.

So let's talk about that. Like what? How you actually can be more effective than you realize in changing your spouse.

Just by seeing. Living your life in a way that you're happy with where you're going and what you're doing and how you're doing it.

And positivity is contagious.

Positivity truly is. So is negativity.

Oh, my gosh.

So attacking the problem with your spouse in an angry way or a you better change or else kind of way doesn't. That's not a positive approach to it. Having positivity about your own life and taking responsibility for your own feelings and is contagious, just like you said.

I just thought of something. It's kind of like you're always selling someone on something. Yep. You're either. And I just. I love sales because I think everyone's doing sales and don't even realize it. Like, a mom has to be in sales because you're always selling your kids on eating healthy and going to bed on time and doing their homework. Things like that. You have to understand what selling actually is. And you're either going to sell this person into becoming a better version of themselves or you're going to sell this person into regressing. And the thing about a sale that I just thought of is when you're so desperate for that sale, you drive the potential customer away.

Right.

So think about that in terms of a marriage. If you're so desperate, like, oh, my gosh, you've got to change. You've got to change them. I'm at the point of breakdown. I just can't go on like this. That is going to do the opposite of what you want to do because it's kind of like going after the sale with total desperation. Have you ever been, like, approached, like, I'll go to Walmart. And it's like, some, like, you know, like, have you tried this cleaner? Have you. Do you do this phone service or like at Costco or something? And I'm like, please stay away. Like, avoid eye contact, like, because they're like, desperate. They're like, come over here, let me show you these knives or whatever? And I like.

But if I'm just. I can't stand going to. I just don't like that because it is.

But that's a Desperation. And you can smell it.

You can smell the desperation for them to make you buy.

Yeah. But if they're, like, really just having fun with it and they're, like, sitting there like. Like, I'll go over there. Like, I see them, like, doing the blender thing and they're, like, making soups and. Or I can smell the sausage. I'm like, I want to just go over there and, like, check out what's going on. And all of a sudden I'm buying sausage or I'm buying a blender. And it's like, they got me because they weren't desperate for me. They just. It was tantalizing.

You could sense the authenticity in what they were doing. Right. It was not a. You know, they didn't have to get a specific number. By the end of the day they did, but they loved what they were doing. So you was contagious.

Yeah. So think about that in terms of actually getting your partner to change.

Absolutely. Right. So, you know, think about. Think about, you know, church, going to church. You know, I know lots and lots and lots of couples are split on that. One does, the other does. But, you know, the getting up on Sunday morning or whenever it is that you go to church, and if it is a hassle and there's anger and there's, you know, I don't want to really do this. Sort of displayed on your face as you're getting your breakfast before you go. Do you think that's going to be attractive to the. The spouse that you would love to change their mindset and get them to come with you?

But if you're, like, happy, it's like, oh, you can come along. It's awesome.

Yeah.

Or just stay there. Right.

And share friends that you meet through that. And when you go off to an event that your spouse doesn't want to and you come back and you're just full of happiness and joy and fun stuff. Yeah.

Not like the cold shoulder and the pouting and the gays.

I've seen lots and lots of people change or lots of spouses that weren't going together go together later on in the relationship just because one was having such a good time.

Yeah. Such a good time. Yeah. And that doesn't.

That changed everything else in their life, right?

Yeah, totally.

Their perspective about other things.

Totally. I. My mama used to always tell me, you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

Yep. And mama is from the deep.

She is, man. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. And you do like it. You use the honey to pull them in and we briefly touched on this and we were talking about this earlier how like, if you, your, if your fish is sick, you're not going to like, take your fish out and like, try to like, fix their body or something. What you're going to do is you're going to check the water, make sure the minerals are balanced, make sure it's the right temperature. And if you put them in the right environment, that fish will change. So if you can provide the right environment, you actually are more powerful in changing your spouse and quote, unquote, fixing your spouse. I don't like the term fix fixed. Like there's something wrong with them, but you are more instrumental that then you may even realize. But you just been going about it all wrong, right? If you create the right environment in which you want the change to happen, it'll happen.

I think that's the key. I think that's the key. I mean, so many times you'll see. And speaking from a husband's perspective and, you know, knowing lots of people in, in the workforce that have struggled through things like this, I mean, there will be diversions that often men will look for because when they go home, it's not, it's not the warm, inviting, happy environment, not blaming the wife, but saying that if that positive environment isn't there when they have their time together, then sometimes that's, you know, a probably a really strong reason why men divert, whether.

It is, but also vice versa. Like when I'm traveling or something and you're holding down the fort when I come home, and it's a joy. It's a joy. It's not like, oh my gosh, Hannah, thank God you're home. Because like all this stuff like the poop hit the fan and everything. But when I come home, it's like, you know what, you've been rocking it at home. And it's a beautiful experience when I come home.

Right. And it's another thing, too. I mean, just to flip my side of the, my, my story from just a second ago. You know, when husbands, when you are at home, if you happen to be the one that is, you know, away at work most of the day or you travel or whatever it may be when you do come home that that happy, contagious environment may be there, and it may just be because of your work or whatever happened that day or that week, you may not want to participate in that. You just might want to go into a quiet room or, you know, turn on a movie or go on a walk.

I'm Going to retire to the drawing room.

Right.

With my brandy.

But you know, give it a shot even when you're not feeling great. Consciously think about this. Consciously think about. Okay, you know what? I'm just gonna let, I'm gonna let the happiness and the joy and the silliness or whatever's going on at this house wash over me. Breathe in and see and see what happens and just, I mean physically manifest that mean actually put your, put your gear down and say, okay, I'm going to change my clothes.

But I mean think about this way.

I'm going to take a totally different perspective. Just let them let it wash over you.

You have to do that. If you show up for a meeting and you don't want to be at the meeting, you show up for a board meeting, you're on. Like you're on Give your home life and give. I think we're veering off the topic, but give it that same level of respect.

Well, yeah. And doing those kinds of things do help change within your.

Yeah.

Within your spouse's life. I mean seeing and engaging. So even if there is the happiness and the positivity and the joy at your home and you come home and decide that, you know what, I'm going to try to be part of that, that will even positively change the positive.

Stuff that's going on.

It will make it even better.

Even better. So the truth of it. So wrapping it up, you are actually more effective in changing your spouse than you realize. You just got to do it the right way.

Right.

Get out the honey, honey.

Get out the honey.

Put away that vinegar. Alright, so keep listening. We're here for you. We love you and let us know what you think. Send us a message, share the podcast. We love you and we hope your marriage is rock star awesome. Are you ready to get radical results in your life? I can give you the jump start you need for massive success as a mom. In fact, I've got that mom show starter kit right here with your name on it, girl. And I want to give it to you absolutely free. Just go to thatmomshow.com or text the word kit K I T to 345345. That's the word kit to 345345. That mom show starter kit comes with my best selling time management program for moms school, my guided faith based master mom meditation and a printable copy of the Master Mom Manifesto. Print that baby out. Say it every day. Just watch what happens. That mom show starter kit is valued at over $300. But I want you to have it for free. Just go to thatmomshow.com or text the word kit. That's K I T to 345345. Again, text kit to 345345. I'll talk with you later. Check this out.