Problem Child: Part 2

Hey there, Mama. Do you have a problem child? Well, maybe, just maybe, you have a child with problems. And maybe, just maybe, those problems are revealing something unresolved in yourself. That's what we're talking about today, Inside Mom Master University. We're going to talk about what is my problem child showing me about myself? How can I help my child? How can I change this problem? But how can I heal myself? This is going to be a fun journey, a transformational journey and it's going to create a problem free child, both in your child and in yourself. Can't wait to work with you. Inside Problem child, part two. Welcome to Mom Mastery University. The education every mom should have had but didn't. I'm Hannah Keeley, America's number one mom coach and class is now in session. All right, welcome back, Mama. All right, we did some hard work, right? We talked about the problems in our children, started going into that, the problem principle, the four things you need to remember. If you haven't watched part one, make sure you go back and listen to that because it does like the pretty prep work. As we move into helping our children with the problems that surface in their lives and also doing the healing in ourselves. Because one thing I believe and I've, if you listen to part one, you heard it several times, children are the best mirrors a mom can have. Because often the things that we haven't resolved in our own life we will pass down to our children. And that's one of those principles we talked about is whatever you don't terminate, you replicate. So we have to stop it with us so we don't pass it down to our children. But when our children do show up with problems, what do we do about that? How do we help them? How do we help them manage life better, get rid of these problems, do some work around it, but also do the work in ourselves because it's probably showing up somewhere. So we talked about the first one, which was the Klingon, the child that's always clinging to you. And the second one was the volcano, that child that's just simmering and ready to explode at a moment's notice. All right, I hope you like were able to go through that and do the work on yourself as well. Now remember, this is an important, important series because it's not enough to just get the information. Information without action is never transformation. So information by itself was not going to help you change. It's also probably not going to show up in your family. So we have to make sure that you're doing the work for yourself and for your children. So after this is over, make sure you go into Mom Master University, download the workbook, click on that, Click on the video that actually walks you through the workbook. Doing the work. And do the work. The work will work, but you got to work it. All right, so let's move on. We're going to talk about the third, third problem child, and that is the liar. That child who just, no matter what, just can't seem to tell the truth about anything. Do you have one of those children? It's like, no matter what it is, like, what. Why would you lie about that? It's so insignificant. Have you ever noticed some children, like the. The liar children, it's like lying about things that really are not. Not that big. And it makes you wonder, like, why did you do that? Why would you lie? It wasn't like you were going to get this big punishment for it, but you just lied about it. So we can talk about truth the. Until our faces are blue. But sometimes that doesn't always hit because we're not. We're hit. We're treating the consequence and not the root that caused the consequence, not the thought of the belief that caused that. So lectures about telling the truth will not always hit home with the liar. So what do we do instead? Well, first of all, we don't ever threaten not to be able to trust them. I know that's challenging because as a mom, you're like, you know what? When you lie to me, I can't trust you. I can't trust that you're telling the truth or not. What happens when we say, I can't trust you is now there's a break of intimacy. There's a break in that connection between you and your child. So you don't want to use the threat of not being able to trust them. Of course it's harder to trust them. Of course you can't trust a child who lies all the time. But you're not going to tell them that. You're not going to use that as fuel to try to get them to tell the truth. All you've done is caused a separation between you and your child. So I know it's tempting, but refrain from doing that because think about how, like, of course we haven't always come through for God, right? We. We have often been dishonest with things. And think about, like, the pain of God saying, I can't trust you. Of course he can't, but he's not going to say, I can't trust you because of that shame. Like, even the idea of tithing. Okay, think about that. It says in the Bible that if we do not tithe, we're stealing from God. But I'm sure there are moments when we haven't. Moments in my life when I haven't like, oh, money's too tight. I can't tithe. Was I stealing from God? Yes, I was. Was God saying, now I can't trust you? No, I was telling myself that God's like, I want to be able to trust you. I want to build this intimacy with you. I want to give you more wealth. But if I can't trust you with the little, I can't give you a lot. So he uses strategies like, he who is faithful with the little is given much. Not, I don't trust you. Are you catching what I'm. I'm laying down here so you can use strategies of I want to be able to trust you more. I want to be able to be closer to you and feel like whatever you say, it's like absolutely true. I want to feel that way. So let's work on that. Okay? Let's work on what truth is. Let's work on that together. But here's why we get the lying. Here's why the lying behavior happens. Is often a liar feels like if I tell the truth, I could be alone. Now think about that. If I tell the truth, I could be alone. That means they could be rejected. They could be isolated. Now, when you say, I can't trust you, what does that do? It makes them feel alone. Truth is not as important as connection. So make sure you maintain that connectivity with your child. There's a fear of judgment. There's. They're. They're probably judging themselves. They're judging others. And when that happens, they will tell a lie because they feel it's what you want to know, not to protect themselves, but they feel that that's what you want the. The response to be. That's what you want to know. That's the results you want. And so they're trying to please you by telling a lie so that they don't suffer. Disconnect. There is actually, at the root of lying is a fear of being alone, fear of being isolated. So how do we respond to our child if they are showing habitual lying? How do we respond to them? First of all, be a safe space for them to tell the truth. I cannot stress this enough. I always tell my children, no matter what, I will not judge you, and you will be safe with me. No Judgment. So my children, I mean, you know, I have kids in their 30s, and they know that when they share something with me, there'll be no judgment. They're still my child, I still love them. And if there is judgment, then they will probably not share that with me, keep information from me, or tell me something that's not true. And I see that a lot of times in kids, especially adult children, they don't share everything with their parents because they're afraid that they would be judged as a result. So you always want to keep that connectivity with your children, that. That intimacy with your children. Like God desires intimacy with us. And yes, sometimes we're dishonest, sometimes we don't come through, sometimes we are disobedient, but he still desires the intimacy. Think about that prodigal son that. That father was up on the hill looking for him, just waiting for him to come back so he could just grab him in his arms and. And treat him like a king. And that's the perspective of the parent, is you are safe with me. Okay? The truth is always going to land in a safe place. You will not be judged for telling the truth. So make sure you give them a safe space so that it's almost like you have to, like, pretend like you're not phased. You gotta put that. Put that face on. It could be something. They tell you that that gives you a jolt, right? It's like, whoa, I didn't expect that. I didn't expect them to be struggling with this issue or them to have made like this happened in their life, or they were. They were dealing with this, or I didn't expect that they share it with you. Remember to carry that peace with you and be that safe place. No reaction, no. No shock. Simply be the safe place so they have the freedom to share that with you. God always gives us a safe place. He doesn't tell us to come to him safe, sin free. He tells us to come to him for cleansing. So he's not shocked by our sin. He's not surprised by our sin. He's like, bring the sin here, and you and I, through his grace, we will work on it together. Right? That's what he does. And so as parents, we look to God as setting the template for how we are to parent our children. So we have to be a safe place for them to tell the truth and remember this, that there are consequences for lying. I would remember, like, I had one child who struggled so much with lying, it was like, you know, your tongue is getting you into trouble now. I would not suggest doing this. I was a young parent. I didn't have a lot of guidance, okay? I came with this on my own. But I remember saying, you, you don't have to, you don't have to lie to me. I will always accept you. I will always love you. You can always tell me the truth. But if a lie happened, I'm embarrassed to tell you this, but as a young mom, I would say, okay, your, your tongue says, stick out your tongue and I would put hot sauce on their tongue. I know, I know, I know. Like, don't, don't let this get out. Actually, I'm letting it get out. But why am I sharing this with you? Because of the reality of it. It bothered me so, so much that my children would lie to me. So I'm like, the consequences of you lying are worse than the consequences of you telling the truth no matter what you told the truth about. So just tell the truth. So is that always a correct maneuver? No. I am not telling you to go put hot sauce on your kids tongues. I'm telling you help them understand that lying about something is harder to deal with. It hurts you more, and it hurts me more as a parent than just telling the truth and, and talk with them. Say if this, if you don't feel safe telling the truth, if I've ever done that, if I've ever like, made you feel ashamed or condemned for telling the truth of me telling the truth to me, or if I've been shocked or hurt, I apologize for that. I always want to be a safe place for you to tell. Tell the truth. So that's how we respond to them. Be the safe place. And when a lie comes up and you discover it's a lie, that's when you have to talk about, okay, there are consequences for lying. And it, and it hurts because it hurts both of us, not just me. But it hurts you too. Now, the resolve, how do we resolve it in ourselves? If you have ever grown up with a fear of being alone, all right, this could be why you're seeing it in your child. Maybe so, maybe not. It's not like always is a result of this, but sometimes it is sometimes the result of something not being resolved in you. So when that happens, I want you to ask yourself these questions. Do I accept myself? Can I feel connection and practice integrity at the same time? Can I connect with people and still be who I am? Practice that integrity of who I am? Or do I have to change in order order to fit other people's expectations? Because that's the same as lying. Lying just looks a little more complex when you're older. It's the same behavior. Lying about who you are means I'm going to show up as someone different because I think that's what you want to see in me. You're still lying. Okay. It just is a little more complex, that's all. And maybe ask yourself this question. What truth am I afraid of facing now? I want to share with you. Romans 8:1. It says, Therefore there is now no condemnation, no adjudging guilty of wrong for those who are in Christ Jesus, who live and walk not after the dictates of the flesh, but after the dictates of the Spirit. You know what's amazing is, I want to share something I discovered doing some Bible history is that last phrase, who live and walk not after the dictates of the flesh, but after the dictates of the Spirit. That was added later. That's why it's in italics. So the original verse said there's no condemnation in Christ. That was. It's almost too good to be true. It's almost too good to think there's no condemnation. So they had to add something. Well, we have to live and walk after the Spirit, not the flesh. But actually, that was not in the original Jesus. Just. It's just right there. There's no condemnation in Jesus. None. Even when we're walking by the flesh, even when we're not being. Not operating with integrity, when we're faking something and pretending something and showing up as someone we're not really, or lying about stuff or being dishonest, even then we're walking by the flesh, aren't we? Of course, even then there's no condemnation. So understand, there's no condemnation in Jesus. He's got you. You're safe with him. And now we can help our children be safe with us. Now, the fourth one is the crybaby. The crybaby is the very emotional child. Okay? It's. They're always like. Their reaction is immediately tears. And you're like, oh my gosh, like, they have to cry about everything. Yes, they do. Because that is how your child. If. If your child is the crybaby child, that's how they express themselves. So one thing we have to help them understand is crying is okay, but it doesn't solve problems. It just helps us process problems. So the worst thing you could do is allow the crying behavior to result in the expectation that they wanted. Does that make sense? So, for example, like, they wanted to see a movie On TV or watch a cartoon and you said no, and they cried. Okay, well, we'll watch it. What did they learn? Crying solves problems. Crying does not solve problems. It just helps us process the problems in our mind. I always say tears are the lubrication that the gears in your brain need to be able to run effectively, especially if they're new gears. Especially they're kind of crusty, right? So crying is just lubrication for the gears in our brain. So it helps us process, but it doesn't solve problems. So the worst thing you could do for the crybaby is allow crying to get the the outcome they want. Be loving, be patient, give them space, but help them understand it's okay to cry, but crying doesn't offer a solution. They can learn this as toddlers, okay? And they have to learn this as toddlers, or they will always result the crying behavior to get the outcome, instead of crying to help process how they're thinking. So we have to help them understand it's totally okay to cry. It's okay to express yourself. So don't say, you know, don't cry. Allow them to cry. But that doesn't solve it. So you already get this. So make sure they understand that it's okay to express yourself. Often the result of crying, I mean, crying is a result of. First of all, it works for them. They get what they want. And it also comes from a place where they don't trust their capacity to feel things. Now, that means that they. It might seem like a situation that's too big for them. That's where they cry. So what we have to help them understand it's okay to express yourself, but what if you're big enough to handle this? Now, how do we respond to them? Accept them, allow them to cry. Crying does not get them a result, but help them to understand they do have the capacity to feel anything. They can feel disappointment. They can feel embarrassment. They can feel anger and frustration. They have the capacity to feel all that talk about how strong they are to feel things. And that way, sometimes that will help reduce the crying behavior. Because when they know they're strong enough to feel it, they can just feel it. Because the crying doesn't give them the solution anyway. Now, what about ourselves? How is the crybaby? What is the crybaby showing us about ourselves? If children are the best mirrors we could ever have, sometimes it's because we don't trust our own capacity. We think this is too big. Whatever you're facing right now, you might think it's too big for me. I can't handle this. I'm not big enough to handle this. I don't have enough skill, ability, support, resources, whatever it is to handle this thing I'm facing. I don't have the capacity. But I want to challenge that. I always adopt. I love to go by this belief that I can feel anything, no matter what it is. I remember going when my. When my precious mama was passing on to be with Jesus, I would have to take a deep breath every day and say, whatever today holds, I can feel this. Because God in me expands my capacity to unlimited space. And I can feel anything. I can feel this. And just knowing I could feel that helped me manage my own emotions in that time. So think about ask yourself these questions. Can I feel anything? What makes me feel small and incapable? What belief do I have to hold to increase my capacity? So think about the thing you're facing that could feel so big. What do you need to believe to increase your capacity to not just feel it, but walk through it? What do you need to believe about yourself? I want to share Ephesians 3:19 we always talk about 3:20, about he's able to do exceedingly, abundantly beyond anything we ask, think, hope, imagine. And it feels so beautiful to know that. But I want to share with you the verse right before that. Ephesians 3:19 it says, this is the prayer, prayer of to the church in Ephesus, that you may really come to know practically through experience for yourselves the love of Christ, which far surpasses mere knowledge without experience, that you may be filled through all your being, unto all the fullness of God, that you may have the richest measure of the divine presence and become a body wholly filled and flooded with God himself. Now, how do you become a body wholly filled and flooded with God himself? Talk about increasing your capacity, being able to have the fullness of God dwelling in your body. That's unlimited. God is unlimited capacity. So you have unlimited capacity. But I want you to notice it doesn't come through just thinking about it. It comes through actual experience. This is that may you may know through experience for yourselves, which surpasses mere knowledge without experience. So there are some things in life we have to walk through we can't avoid if we're going to become the women that we're supposed to become. The moms, the women, the warriors, the leaders. If we're going to become those women. There are some valleys and some places we need to walk through. And sometimes it feels scary. Crying may not solve the solution, but it will help you process it. But as you process it, I want you to hold this idea. I have unlimited capacity to not just feel anything, but accomplish anything because of God who lives in me. Now, that's how we're going to handle the crybaby. Now, number five, the fire starter. Who is the fire starter? The fire starter is that person, not like the volcano. The volcano's fine until it gets triggered and then it explodes. The fire starter is the instigator. Okay? That's the big difference. The volcano, fine. I mean, people live at the foot of volcanoes, but you evacuate as soon as it. As soon as it erupts. Right? So the volcano is fine until it's triggered and erupts. The fire starter is always ready to start a fire. They're always. It's not just the simmering of the volcano. It's like they're feel. It seems like they're angry at everything and everyone. They start the fights. They're the instigator. But we have to help them understand venting. Although we hear a lot about venting. Oh, I just needed to venture. Venting does not solve the problem of pressure venting. Just transfer. It transfers that pressure elsewhere. So the fire starter is always ready to go. Always, like edgy, always ready to start the fight. Always the one who, you know, as soon as you walked in the room, you know who did it. You know that, you know that. You know you didn't have to ask. You're like, I know it was you. What'd you do this time? Right? So how do we manage this? How do we respond to that child? Who is the fire starter? Well, first of all, we have to help them understand what needs to change for everything to be okay. It's a beautiful question to talk about with the fire starter. What needs to change for everything to be okay? Because the fire starter, those children who are firestarters usually come from parents who could be fire starters as well. And how do we get to be a fire starter? How do we get to be like. I call it free floating anger. It's just anger that doesn't come from a specific source. It's just free floating, ready to like, like, blast out at anyone. How do we get that free floating anger? It usually comes from a fear of injustice. You may have heard this child or you may have heard you or maybe your spouse say, it's not fair. It's not fair. It becomes like a theme in the firestarter's life. They have this not just a fear of injustice, but almost an Intolerance of injustice. There has to be justice. Everything has to be fair. It has to be okay. For me specifically, it has to be okay. So that's where we get this anger. And is this evidence of injustice in our world that there's unfairness? And so that's what causes, like the tension to come up. So how do we respond? This is a beautiful question, and we, and I just mentioned it. What needs to change for everything to be okay? So often the firestar feels like it's not okay. So go into that area, talk about what's not okay. Be a safe place for them to talk about that. What is not okay right now? What would need to change for you to be okay with this? Where do you see unfairness? Where do you see injustice? Let's talk about that. Let's talk about what fair really is. Now, how do we do this for ourselves as parents Now? Oh, here's an important thing to mention about the firestarter. Yes, there has to be consequences of their anger and their outbursts. Absolutely has to be consequences. However, again, like the volcano, make sure you talk about these situations when it's not a situation. So talk about the unfairness or the injustice or how they feel about maybe brothers and sisters or what's going on with friends at school or something like that. They. Or maybe even what's unfair to them right now. But talk about that when it's not a problem. Now, how do we resolve this in ourselves? We know how to respond to the child. Yes, there are consequences, but we need to discuss us what fairness really is and give people freedom. How do we do it with us? How do we resolve this in us? First of all, ask yourself this question. Am I holding any resentment? That's a big one. Am I holding any resentment toward anyone, toward myself, toward God? Am I holding any resentment here? And another question. Where do I see injustice right now? And the third question, and this is a big one, can I forgive? I want to share with you Ephesians 4, 31, 32. We talked about 19, but I want to share with you 31 and 32, because this is very important for the fire starter, the one who has this free floating anger that's caused from injustice and resentment. It says, let all bitterness and indignation and wrath, passion, rage, bad temper and resentment, anger, animosity and quarreling, brawling, clamor, contention. I think that pretty much sums up the fire starter. Bitterness, indignation, wrath, passion, rage, bad temper and resentment. Anger, animosity, quarreling, brawling, clamor, contention, yeah, we get a. We get. We get a good visual of that person and slander, evil, speaking, abusive or blasphemous language. God has a lot to say about this. Let all of this be banished from you with all malice, spite, ill will or baseness of any kind. He's like, banish this. Get rid of this free floating anger, says in verse 32, and become useful, helpful and kind to one another. Tenderhearted, compassionate, understanding, loving hearted, forgiving one another readily and freely, as God in Christ forgave you. So how do we resolve this? We forgive. It's just that simple. We let the resentment go, we let the anger go. We look at what we're holding resentment toward and we just banish it through the act of forgiveness. Says Romans 13:8, Owe no man anything but to love one another. This really doesn't have anything to do with money. It's owe no man anything but love, for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law. So that means don't owe someone a talking to or owe someone like I'm gonna. I'm gonna give them a piece of my mind or owe them some kind of ill will. Don't owe anyone anything but love, because that's the law. The beautiful law of grace is just operate in love. And when you operate in love, you're going to find that anger subsides. And now you have the strength that comes from that stability, not just of loving others, but know that you're loved by God. Now remember, this is just the first part. Get inside MMU and download that workbook. And make sure you watch the video where we're doing the the work together. Information is not transformation until you put it to work. So I will see you in the next video where we're gonna do the work together. Bye. Bye. So what about you, mama? Are you ready to enroll in the only school that will not only change your life, but also your legacy? Go to Mom Mastery University, where we dive deep into the biblical principles that give ordinary moms extraordinary results. Get enrolled today.