Problem Child: Part 3

Okay. What do you do with that problem child? You know the one I'm talking about, right? There's always something. It's like my life would be so much easier if this kid just wasn't having this problem, the problem child. Well, I want to challenge that today because maybe it's not a problem child. Maybe it's just a child with a problem. And maybe that problem is revealing a lot more about you than the child. That's what we're going to talk about today. Inside Mom Master University. Welcome to Mom Mastery University. The education every mom should have had but didn't. I'm Hannah Keeley, America's number one mom coach, and class is now in session. I welcome back. It's Anna Keeley, and I am your coach throughout this entire series called the Problem Child. Now, if you have listened to part one, you know about the four things we definitely need to watch out for as we go into this training and the four things that we need to principles that we need to abide by. You learned about the problem principle, which means wherever there's a problem, there also exists simultaneously a solution. And we talked already about five different types of. Of problem children, right? We learned about things like the crybaby or the volcano or the liar, things like that. So. So these problem children, the problem surface in all different ways. But one thing that we're doing different about this series is we're not just attacking the problem and we're not just solving that problem. What we're doing is also allowing ourselves to be aware of how the problem developed and maybe what it's showing us about a problem that we have in ourselves. So this is part mom awareness and problem awareness, and we're helping our children. But my goal, because you've heard me say it before, if you've been tuning into this series, is that children are the best mirrors a mom can have. So we're going to figure out, all right, what is going on in me or what has gone on in me that could be instigating or participating in this problem that's showing up in my child. Because when you get to the root, you're going to have different fruit. And that's what we're after here. Now we're going to kick this off talking about the scaredy cat. Okay? Another one of those problems that come up. You have the child that is the scaredy cat. They're always afraid. They don't want to do unfamiliar things. They're scared to move into new territories. The smallest thing can cause a fear response. Right. Very fearful. So we often have as adults, you know, this fear comes from exposure to things that are scary, exposure to things where you lacked the competency to handle the situation. So if you're seeing one of your children showing up as a scaredy cat, someone who is very fearful, you, you have to think about, was there a time in my life that I was faced with a situation I had to go through, a situation that I didn't feel I had the competency to go through to handle. It could be when you were younger, it could be when you're older. But that often creates a very fearful response, is that I got bad results here, I got bad results here, I got bad results here. It's almost like learning to distrust your choices and, and to distrust the world is I'm scared now. I'm scared to move forward, I'm scared to make decisions, I'm scared to trust, I'm scared to move into foreign territory because disappointment, fearful, scary responses, expectations that did not come through, things that hurt me, caused me trauma, cause damage. When, when that happens, what else do we go to but a fearful mentality, Scared of ourselves and our choices and scared of the world and what it holds. So what do we do with this? First of all, as a parent, sometimes it shows up as false bravado and sometimes with a child it will show up as false bravado, as being like super, like I'm not scared, watch me do this. But they're really like compensating for the fear that they hold. So it could show up as a very fearful response or a false bravado, trembling with the fear inside them, but feeling that they need to compensate for it and show up in another way. So either way it still has its roots in fear. So what do we do with this? Now before I tell you how to respond to your child and how to resolve it for you, I want to first camp out on second Timothy 1:7 because it says this for God did not give us a spirit of timidity, which also means the spirit of fear, of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear. That's fear. But he has given us a spirit of power and of love and of calm and well balanced mind and discipline and self control. So that's the classic amplified. Often we say God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind. So we're going to take that power, love and sound mind that comes from God and we're going to apply it as a template over the Fear that is in our child and potentially in us as well. Because when you see that in your child, it could often be a reflection of you developing fear from the things that have. That you have gone through. So how do we respond to our child? First, let's look at power. What if we help our child understand first of all, again, embrace the fear. Give them the safe space. Don't expect them to be strong and courageous. Don't even say, come on, stop crying. Don't be scared. Don't. Don't say that. Allow the fear, okay? It's just showing you what's going on in their heart. So if you say, you know, be strong, you know, you need to be more. You need to be braver. You need to be more courageous. Don't be afraid. What that could potentially tell them is, I'm disappointing my mom by showing up as afraid. What if instead of that, you can say, you know what? It's okay to be afraid. It's okay, I'm afraid. You can be afraid. God knows we can be afraid. But we don't let fear, fear direct our decisions. We can still move forward, but it's okay to be afraid. We have to allow them that freedom to feel fear. But that's where it begins. Let's talk about power. We help our children understand you have the strength to feel fear and not cower to it. It's very important for us to know. It's very important for a kisno. You have so much power to that strength which you know, power and strength. You have that to be able to feel fear. Okay? It takes a bit of courage to feel fear and be aware of it and just embrace it and not have to let it control you. So you can still make powerful decisions in spite of fear. Fear doesn't have to be gone in order to do a courageous thing, but also love having that understanding that God loves you no matter what. Move forward, move backward, make the decision. Don't make the decision. Feel afraid, feel courageous. It doesn't matter. No matter what, God loves you. And in that space where we really can understand that God loves us, that's where we can develop less fear because we can trust more. Okay? This also around you as well. I want to talk about how this hits with you as a mom. So we help them understand God loves you, and you're safe with him. Also a sound mind. So what I love to do when I have a child that feels afraid is we go to logic. We operate with a sound mind, and we do the worst case, best case, Scenario. So whenever they're scared of something, I'm like, all right, what is the worst case scenario of this happening? I let them talk about it. All their fear. Okay, now that we exhausted that, what is the best case scenario? And I let them build up hope, faith, trust, excitement. Now when we do this, what we're doing is giving each, I guess, each pull. If you're talking about positive and negative, we're giving each side worst case, best case. Basically a stage. We're going to be aware of that, we're going to talk about it. We're going to talk about what we're afraid of, but also going to talk about what could be wonderful about this result. And when you do that, then it helps to neutralize the fear. Because you've also spent time imagining not just the worst things that can happen, but the best things that can happen. And often when you gravitate more toward the best thing that can happen, you. You feel less fearful about making the next decision. So this is for you as a mom too. So think about this. What would power look like? To know that you have the strength to feel fear but not cower to it. It doesn't have to direct your decisions. Also, when you feel afraid, go for love. Understand that God loves you. Yes, the world can be disappointing. Yes, I can disappoint myself. Yes, there can be trauma, there can be damage, there can be pain. Pain, there can be suffering. But can I trust God that he works all these things out for good because he loves me? You can't really build faith and trust without really understanding that God loves you. So power, love, and a sound mind. Do the same thing with yourself. Whenever you're afraid, allow yourself to feel fear. But ask yourself, what would be the worst case scenario? Go and exhaust the fear. But now, what would be the best case scenario? See, there are things you may have gone through as a woman in your childhood, maybe when you were older, that caused you to be afraid of things. Afraid of new opportunities, afraid of relationships, afraid of trusting. Because things didn't always work out for you. And it's better to just hold fear. Maybe not. If we know it doesn't come from God, we know it does come from the enemy. And why would the enemy want you to be afraid? So he can pull you out of your next level, that next promise. So that's where we have to do the work and really understand this will get this awareness and resolve it so we can move forward so it stops with us and we don't pass it down to our children. Now I want to share with you that, that verse again. Just understand when there is fear, okay? It says, God does not give us the spirit of timidity, cowardice, craven and cringing and fawning fear. He doesn't give it to us. When you feel afraid, it is not God that is causing that. It is the enemy that is trying to pull you away of the next chapter, which could look extraordinary. All right, so that's the scaredy cat. Number seven is the hoarder. That is the child who loves to hoard. Stuff they don't like to share. They keep everything. When you, when you help them clean up their room, you're like, why do you have this? Why have you been holding on to this this long? What good does this do? Like, how does this bless your life? So unfortunately, the hoarder can't really explain telling that they don't understand why they hoard. But often the reason a child will hoard is because there is scarcity. So one of the main reasons we hoard things as adults is we have scarcity mentality. What is that scarcity mentality? It means I am limited. Money's limited, Goodness is limited. If someone else gets blessed, I don't get blessed. I have to work hard for everything I get. There's not enough to go around all of these things that often we've been taught as children can work our work its way into our subconscious. And now we have a poverty mentality. We have to think, we have to have just enough to get by. You know, we have to be content with what we have and be satisfied and not desire more. Well, if we don't desire more, think about it. God is more. And how can he bless people through us if we don't receive more blessing? So we can talk all day about that. If you want to really work on that scarcity mentality, go through money lies. It's a great training, a great coaching series, Inside Mom Master University that will help you with the scarcity mentality as far as money is concerned. But that scarcity mentality can trickle into every area. Like there's not enough love, right? I have to work hard and earn love. There's not enough compassion. There's not enough friends, there's not enough connection, there's not enough resources, there's not enough strength, whatever it is. If you develop that scarcity mentality, all of a sudden you look at the world through the scarcity lens and guess where you're living in Scare City. Did you catch that? Scare City. Okay, so what happens with Our children, when they start to hoard, it usually comes from. From scarcity. They feel that there's not enough, that they have to grab it while they can. Now, sometimes you see this in big families because it's like survival of the fittest, right? We know, like, there's like, okay, if there's 24 cookies that come out of the oven, you're all of a sudden doing the math, all right? There's how many of us, how many do each one get, right? So you sometimes see this in families where it's just like the children can develop this mentality. So you as a mom had to be super constructive about deflating this. This spirit of scarcity so that it doesn't trickle down to our children or our grandchildren. So. And it's not always stuff. Sometimes it's spiritual. Sometimes you think God is not enough. If he blesses one person, they may not be enough to bless me. I think that sounds kind of ludicrous, but it is true that that can happen on a spiritual basis as well. So it's kind of like the haves and the have nots. They're the blessed ones, and then there's the not blessed ones, which God says he's no respecter of persons. So if he did it for one, he'll do it for you. So how do we respond to our children? First of all, work with them. Don't just tell them to get rid of stuff. Don't tell them to stop collecting it. Don't tell them to clean up their rooms, because that's very hard for a hoarder to clean up their rooms because they, they look around, they're like, well, but I want everything. And it all makes sense to me. I don't even know where to begin. So don't just send them to a room to declutter it and throw away stuff and clean it up. Not likely to happen. Okay. So you may have to work with them side by side while teaching them how beautiful it is to give to other people, to give to charity, to share their possessions with others. And it just feels good, like we are more blessed to give than to receive, because it really does bless us. Like God blesses us when we are bountiful sowers. Right generous people. He blesses us. But also it feels so good to be a blessing to other people. So make sure you work side by side with them as you start to declutter some things. So talk about how beautiful it is to give and also how beautiful they are and that they deserve beautiful surroundings. I would often talk, you know, my daughter's rooms when they were little, their room that they shared, they would just keep all this stuff like mounts of things. And I would tell them, you know what, you are princesses and you are so beautiful and you're royalty and you deserve to have royal bedchambers. And so we would clean it up together and we would play beautiful music and we would create a beautiful environment and they would really their self concept was developed in that time to learn that they are allowed to have beautiful surroundings, that they are special, that they are important, that they are treasures and that they can live in a clean, clutter free space. And this is such a positive energy too. So make sure that when you do this with your child, if you do have a hoarder, that again I can't stress how important it is to work side by side with them as you train them on these principles to develop a abundant mentality that they are so blessed whatever they give, it can certainly find its way back in some other form. Now how do we resolve it in ourselves? First of all, what are you holding onto? What is your source of security and how did you learn this? So what are you holding on to? What is your source of security and how did you learn this? I want to share with you this verse. It comes from Philippians 4:19. It says, My God will liberally supply fill to the full your every need according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. Now remember, how do we break this generational curse before it filters down to our children is we meditate on His Word and let His Word do the work in our hearts. So meditating on that. God is an extravagant father. He is a generous giver and he will liberally supply for my needs and sometimes like But I'm not seeing it. How much are you meditating on this or are you meditating on not seeing it? Because whatever you put your focus on is what you will create in your life. I want also want to share with you. 2nd Corinthians 9 and it says, it says, let each one give as he has made up his own mind and purposed in his heart, not reluctantly or sorrowfully or under compulsion. For God loves and he takes pleasure in and prices above other things, and is unwilling to abandon or do without a cheerful joyous prompt to do it. Giver whose heart is in his giving and God is able to make all grace, every favor and earthly blessing come to you in abundance, so that you may always and under all circumstances, and whatever the need be self sufficient. Possessing Enough to require no aid or support and furnished in abundance for every good work and charitable donation. As it is written, he, the benevolent person scatters abroad. He, he gives to the poor. His deeds of justice and goodness and kindness and benevolence go on and endure forever. Man, that is a whopper, right? That, like, meditate on that, just meditate on that. About how all the blessing of God, he is an extravagant father and all of his abundant blessing wants to pour into your life, but we can't receive it if we still have that scarcity mentality. He says, open wide your mouth and I'll fill it. So we have to ask ourselves, well, how wide am I willing to open up my mentality to receive all of his goodness? I need to change what I believe about God. And when you do that, you will break off that scarcity curse in your family. And it can now your whole legacy can be transformed. Now, the last one, number eight, the loner, that's that child who prefers to be by himself. Now, there's nothing wrong with that because there are a lot of creative people who just prefer to be by themselves. They like their own company. Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with you wanting to be by yourself. But we have to look at when this becomes a problem is when they don't feel safe opening up to other people, when they don't feel safe to be authentic, authentically who they are, their authentic self. Like, do you often, if you're the a loner mom, do you feel that you're safe being authentic with other people? Maybe you don't and it's better just, you know, easier just to be by yourself. Now sometimes as a loner, you can feel alone in a crowd. You can feel alone in a big family. You can feel alone at a family reunion because you don't feel, feel accepted and embraced as your authentic self. Now, sometimes this happens when you grow up with unpredictability and a bit of chaos, when there's a bit of chaos in your home, unpredictability, expectations that often lead to disappointments, you learn not to be authentic, not to open up and to trust others. You learn it's better if I'm just alone because I can control my own space. So can you see that this can often come from a chaotic childhood? And maybe if you have a loner child or you feel like you're a loner mom, it did come from more of a chaotic, unpredictable childhood where you learned that, you know what, it's just safer if I control my own space. I can Set my expectations and I can fulfill them. It's almost like that orphan spirit that doesn't trust others and has to do things in isolation by themselves. They can't depend on anyone but themselves. You don't trust others because they can let you down and you can't let your guard down. Now when you can't trust others, it often leads to not being able to trust God. Now he becomes out there somewhere and you're like, all right, well, maybe God will come through for me, maybe he won't. But right now I'm just going to learn to trust myself. That is, that's the way that it can show up. So this orphan spirit, this independent, like, I'll figure it out, I'm on my own, I will trust myself. Often comes from, like I said, a time in your life when it was chaotic, it was unpredictable and you really had to learn to be self sufficient. But I want to share this with you. This is Hebrews 13:5 and it says this. Let your character or moral disposition be free from love of money, including greed, avarice, lust and craving for earthly possessions. And be satisfied with your present circumstances and with what you have. Now there's a reason God's talking about this. Because sometimes money will become a source that we can trust. When we learned we can't trust people. Ouch. That stepped on someone's toes right there. And it's okay, embrace it, understand it. It's just the Holy Spirit or revealing this to you. Sometimes it's easier if we're in control and we can learn to trust money because of something tangible that's not going to let us down. People can. So that's why God's talking about it here. For he God himself has said, now, now, what does it say? Let me go back. It says, be free from the love of money. That means don't put your trust in money and make money the decision maker for your life. For God himself has said, I will not in any way fail you, nor give you up, nor leave you without support. I will not, I will not. I will not in any degree leave you helpless, nor forsake, nor let you down, or relax my hold on you. Assuredly not. Could he be more emphatic? Like that much repetition, Just letting you know, I'm not going to loosen my hold. You can trust me. And I want you to understand this. This applies to your child as much as it applies to you. And it has to apply to you before it could show up in your child. So how do we respond to our child? The loner child, that independent spirit is we create safe spaces to have relationship, safe spaces to be connected. We are trustworthy. Therefore, when we set something out, when we plan something, when we say we're gonna do something, we do it. And we provide trust for that child. I can trust my mom. She'll do what she says she's gonna do. I can trust that the world is a good place, that it's a safe place. I can trust God. Because if they, like we are as a mom, the first version of God they'll ever see and if they can't learn to trust us, it's going to be hard for them to learn how to trust God. But we help them. Like sometimes even getting involved in service projects. Okay. I would always tell my kids, like, we're going to serve outside of yourself. I had my children volunteering to go to senior citizens homes and paint their nails and, and we would do service projects at church and do like, you know, missionary projects. It was just like I wanted them to see that the world is a big place and that we don't have to be alone, that we can actually be conduits of the love and the grace and the compassion that God wants to pour out to his people. So how does this show up in you as a mom? Get involved. Learn to trust God. Yes, people have let you down. Yes, it may have been a little chaotic for you or a lot chaotic for you, but that doesn't mean you have to be an orphan. God says there are no orphans in his family. He is your father and you can trust Him. So get involved. Operate outside of yourself. If you feel like you're alone, then serve others, help others, show up for others. Maybe you want to be a coach. Learn how to be a coach. You can even go through Covenant Coach Academy where I train up life coaches and serve others and help people and understand you're safe. No matter what area you go into, you're safe because God is already there. And he said he will never even relax his hold on you. He's got you. When you can learn how to trust him, you can let go of that orphan spirit. Plug into this world and make it a better place. Now remember, it doesn't stop here. This is just where it gets started. I want to help you in real time, so make sure you listen. Log into Mom Master University and go to this training and download the workbook if you haven't already, but click on the video to do the work. This is where we actually do work in real time. And this is where we get the transformation. So don't stop here. This is just the beginning. I'll see you inside. Mom Mastery University. So what about you, Mama? Are you ready to enroll in the only school that will not only change your life, but also your legacy? Go to Mom Mastery University, where we dive deep into the principles that give ordinary moms extraordinary results. Get enrolled today.