Psychopolygamy

Are you committing polygamy? Are you married to more than one person? Oh, my goodness. The answer may surprise you. Here's the big question. How are these average, everyday moms getting radical results in their lives? How are they able to transform their health, money, families, homes, and have fun doing it? The trick? We're not average. I'm Hannah Keeley, and I'm going to spill our secrets and answer your questions right now in that mom show. All right, so it is another Marriage Monday, and I got my husband Blair with me.

Hey there. How are you doing?

And we are going to talk about psychopolygamy.

I don't even know what that means. You made that up.

I did, but it's an amazing term. You gotta admit. It's an amazing term.

What in the world does that mean?

All right, well, actually, he is a liar, because we did talk about this.

I know. I'm just trying to set you up for your listeners.

Yeah, well, this is. This situation. Psycho polygamy is actually what a lot of people are committing. And I think almost everyone in their marriage at one time or another commits this and don't even realize that we do it totally unconsciously. We don't realize we've been doing it. I did this morning. So what the situation is, is when you're married to one person in real life, but you're married to an imaginary person as well.

The person that you visualize as the perfect spouse or the perfect bride, the perfect husband that does anything and everything that you need, that you want, that you.

They fit the mold.

Yeah, they fit your mold perfectly. And not only just ideally in your head, but moment to moment in whatever the needs are that you. You have.

Yeah. A lot of our lives are lived, first of all by. By default. We're just, like, going through the motions, and we're living unconsciously. And once we start to really analyze our thoughts and develop better mental skills, which is what this whole thing is about that we do here, you apply it to your marriage. You apply it to your health, your life, your money, everything. So we're going to talk about this of being, first of all, aware that you are committing psycho polygamy. And I think the best way to do this is just examples.

Oh, yeah. You know, what happened today?

Okay, so this morning, like, literally, I walk in and I'm like, so, do you want to record a Marriage Monday podcast? And let me give you a little background. This has been a hard week.

Yes, it's been a very complex week. We've had lots of going on You've been traveling.

And I had to take care of my mom, who broke her leg in two places. She's in rehab and had to go, like, sleep on a chair. Sleep on chair for a week, Take care of her. And then you were here running all over town, like, with all the kids.

Yeah. Keeping the place rolling.

Yeah.

It was a tough week, which now.

People know why there wasn't a Marriage Monday. Last Monday.

That's right.

But so, anyway, I walk in this morning and I say, hey, so you want to do a Marriage Monday podcast? And he's playing a game on his.

Phone, which I don't do that often.

No. You really don't? No, I'm not, like, married to it. Yeah.

No, I'm not a big time gamer.

No, he's not. He was playing a game and didn't look up and was like, yeah, sure. And I was kind of waiting there for him to acknowledge me as you.

Were stirring your peanut butter.

What does stirring my peanut butter have anything to do with that?

You just. You were. You were staring holes through my head with your eyes as you were stirring your peanut butter.

Is there anything significant about stirring peanut butter?

No, it just. If you can visualize her standing there with a knife stirring peanut butter, it's almond butter. So that you have to stir it up. And that's what she was doing.

I had to stir up my almond butter.

Yep. And I looked up, and she's just glaring me down.

Almond butter. All right. So I had a knife in my hand. True. This is good. This is. This is going south really bad. All right.

So anyway, I was sitting there playing a game. Yeah, you came in.

And I came in. I was like, do you want to do a Marriage Monday podcast? And I'm waiting on him to acknowledge me. Right, ladies?

I had to finish the level.

So finally you hear, like, his game. And then he, like, looks up, and I'm like, so here's what happened. Like, in that. In that little moment of time, here's what happened. My real husband is sitting there playing a game. My imaginary husband, the husband that, like, in my mind, he should be. Should be looking up and saying, oh, what, honey? Oh, yeah, I'd love to do that right now. So here's this, like, cognitive dissonance between the person I'm married to and the person that I imagine I'm married to. So I was stuck in my imagination thinking, well, he should do this again. All egocentric, all me, because I want to be acknowledged and understood. Now, if I stepped out of that psychopolygamy between the husband I'm married and the husband I should have those two husbands battling, that would be weird. But having, like, you know, the battle between those two husbands, I could step into his mind and where it's like, wow, this has been a really hard week. I just get to sit for a minute and I'm gonna play a game just. Just to give my. Myself a break. Right, because that's what you were doing.

It's pretty much it.

Yeah, totally.

Nobody's. Nobody's really up yet.

Yeah. There were no kids that needed you. Yeah. And so a lot of times when we're so stuck in our heads about our. Who our spouse should be for us, that's when we step into psycho polygamy, and we're never going to be able to step out of that until we can step out of ourselves and get into. Get into our spouse's mindset. Because it really has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your thoughts about your spouse, you know?

Well, and I think maybe one way to help from falling into the trap of talking about that or saying something like that to your spouse or making those sort of judgments in your mind first is again, try to catch yourself, stop for a second, think before you say something, and try to recognize the moment. Right. And so the example we're talking about now is harmless. There's nothing. I mean, I'm just sitting here and it's a great opportunity to do some podcast work and great. Not a big deal, but there can be situations where your spouse might be in a different spot and pulling into that imaginary spouse or speaking to that imaginary spouse without actually thinking through the moment, that can create distance between you.

Yeah, totally. You don't want that getting wrapped up in an illusion.

Right. So simply thinking through it first before, you know, before you engage in a discussion, that could turn into something like an argument.

Yeah. Hey, mama. We'll get right back to the podcast, but did you know there is an entire online university just for moms? If you're ready to get radical results in your life, just go to mommastery.com that's M O M M A S T-E-R-Y dot com. Make sure you check it out and take your free quiz again. That's mommastery.com M O M M A S T-E-R-Y.com now back to the podcast. I always like to have, like, signals. By the way, if you're hearing something in the background, it's our washing machine. We're washing clothes right now, doing laundry. But I always like signals. I think they help me to be able to really analyze my thoughts and see if they're in a. In a good, true place. And one of these signals that you can use is should. So if you ever catch yourself thinking should, then you're going down a road that is false and disempowering. So if I'm thinking, my husband should look up and acknowledge me. And one thing I know we joke about it, Blair, but my tendency to not be as neat and organized, so. So.

Well, that's your personality style.

Well, but I. Hey, I've come up. I've come a long way. I'm very. I'm very neat and organized, and I keep things clean. But when it comes to, like, the bathroom counter, like, when I put on makeup, I just leave it, like, brushes and my makeup container and all that stuff. And so I'm sure there's a thought that goes through your mind. My wife should clean up after herself.

Right.

You know? Right.

And. And just, hey, why didn't you clean it up? Could be the start of the conversation that could send you into a place that's not gonna respond appropriately. But when I sit and think a little bit about, well, okay, wait a minute. Who is Hannah and who is my wife and how does she live? How does she operate in her sort of optimal space? And she's a creative thinker. She's always moving from idea to idea. And so there's a lot of speed in the way that she moves through the day with all of the things that she wants to do and things that she wants to accomplish. And sometimes a brush might not get put away.

You're so sweet.

A brush or, you know, it's not terrible stuff. So when I see that, I try to.

But you have a very nice way of communicating it. You just push it all over to my side. I just, like, literally, like, you push it all.

It's almost like sometimes I won't put it away. I will just put it in a place where I know, oh, she's going to see it and she's gonna walk away from me.

She'll be aware of it. She'll be aware. Yeah. And that really helps me. So I think if you can, like, frame it up, like he's saying in his mind at first, he might think psycho polygamy. Here's the. Here's the wife I have, and here's the wife I should have, like, my imaginary wife who cleans up after herself. But if you can Go deep into your thoughts. It might be like, you know what? You. You married me. You love that I'm. You can like, reframe it.

I reframe it. I think about who you really are and how you were successful and what makes you smile at the end of the day. And I want that more than anything. So.

And then when I think my husband should acknowledge me or something, if I can step into that, you know what? I'm so grateful. My husband's kind of person who's letting me go and help my mom while he's taking care of the kids and that he can take a break, like that kind of thing. So I think when you hear that word should in your head, it's not like, you may not say it, but when you hear the word should in your head, you stepped into psychopolygamy. You're married to two people. One is a complete illusion and does not even exist, and one, you can completely reframe your thoughts around that person.

Right. A big mistake is to try to get into that imaginary spouse, the one, the optimal, you know, perfect everything is.

Exact, which of course we know exists.

And trying to change the real spouse into the imaginary one, it just creates massive amounts of strain and distress for.

No reason at all. Because that imaginary spouse still will not fill your needs.

The imaginary spouse that you would want at.

Yeah, yeah. Still won't.

Even if they got there, you would want something more.

Because really, if you think about it, you're projecting whatever you feel about yourself on that person. So when I am, when I'm frustrated, like you didn't look up and you didn't acknowledge me has nothing to do with you. It has to do with my thoughts at that time. My thoughts are like, I need to be acknowledged. I need to feel special. I need to feel important. And so if you can, like, see where it's coming from, it's never, ever, ever your spouse. It's your real spouse, not the imagined one. It's always your thoughts about your spouse. You stepped into the psycho polygamy and you're in the person, the husband that you should have, the wife you should have. So it's your thoughts. So reel it back in and look inside. And I think that's going to help a lot if you can just. Just awareness. I think awareness needs to be the thing we always go to because we'll just like react and talk and argue or whatever it is and not even understanding what are the driving forces. But behind me feeling this way.

Right, right. But special note to all husbands out there. If your wife does speak to you, you should acknowledge her.

You're so sweet. And honor your husband's face, ladies. Honor your husband's face. That's right.

That's right.

Try to keep things neat and tidy. Yep.

And that's it. That's the big message.

Yeah. So just be aware that you could be committing psycho polygamy. And that ain't gonna lead you to any place that's good and prosperous and successful and loving. Stay in your truth, stay positive. And understand, it always goes back to you.

Yep.

You have a wonderful marriage. But you gotta make it that way. All right, talk to you later. Bye Bye. Are you ready to get radical results in your life? I can give you the jumpstart you need for massive success as a mom. In fact, I've got that mom show starter kit right here with your name on it, girl. And I want to give it to you absolutely free. Just go to thatmomshow.com or text the word kit K I T to 345345. That's the word kit to 345345. That mom show starter kit comes with my best selling time management program for moms. Squeeze the day, my guided faith based master mom meditation, and a printable copy of the master mom manifesto. Print that baby out. Say it every day. Just watch what happens. That mom show starter kit's valued at over $300, but I want you to have it for free. Just go to thatmomshow.com or text the word kit that's K I T to 345345. Again, text kit to 345345. I'll talk with you later. Check this out.