Reclaiming Your Identity with special guest Demi-Leigh Tebow

All right. Identity is such a huge thing for all of us, especially moms, because after we have a kid, I mean, there's a chance we kind of lose our identity. So what we're going to be discussing today is how do we get it back? And the thing we don't understand is a lot of times the problems that we're facing in our lives, in our families and our emotions and the in finances and all the other areas usually do stick stem from where we place our identity. So if you're struggling today, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, maybe in your family, this is for you. So I want you to buckle up, I want you to listen in because this is going to change your life. I have a special friend with me today who's going to be talking all about identity and how it's so easy to lose yours and how to get it back. So Demi Lee Tebow, you already know her for former Miss Universe speaker, author, incredible woman. She's going to be sharing a story that you're going to want to hear. So hang tight. Demi, thank you so much for hanging out with me today on the crazy Bless show.

Oh, Hannah, thank you so much for having me. You look awesome. That setup is so cute. So I love it. I'm trying back here.

Well, yours is so beautiful, so classy. Mine is like, you know what you're getting already.

What's the zebra story?

Oh, my goodness. So we have a whole group of moms inside our university called Mom Master University. They call ourselves zebras. That's like our mascot. But it's got a reason. Because zebras, like look so peculiar. They're kind of funny, kind of quirky. But did you know zebras are the most territorial animals on there and they can with one kick, break alliance jaw. So. So they starve to death. So we're like, we're like cute, quirky, but don't mess with you.

No. Well, I mean, Hannah, I'm a soon to be mom and I can only imagine as a mom, you know how protective you, you become and you know how ferocious you become and sounds like something that a zebra would do. I grew up in South Africa, so I'm very familiar with zebras. High school mascot was actually a, a variation of a zebra and so I love that. That's just a little, little side note.

So that is so funny. So of course you know all about zebras. That's so.

I mean, there's always more to learn, always more. But thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited to chat with you and to learn from you. Oh, my goodness. So, just. Just so excited. Thanks for having me.

Oh, this is such a treat. And when I. So you do have a book about, you know, the crown that lasts. You just now have launched a children's book, which I love. It is so adorable. I want you to tell. Tell me more about that. But I really want to dive in with this question of identity because a lot of women, and I think. I think almost every woman I've ever met has struggled with this because we kind of lose our identity in all of the things that we have to do, like whether it's career, family, both, whatever that looks like for you. Where we place our identity is so important. So how did you, like, tell me a little bit about your story around identity.

Yeah, Hannah. I'll start off with saying I'm going to speak from my own personal experience. Right. We all have different life experiences. And the thing with life experiences are that they kind of form and shape who. How we see ourselves and essentially shapes our identity. Right. Whether that's our prizes, our accolades, our achieve, even our failures. Those things all shape the view that we have of ourselves. And the thing that I found was it's so much easier to root your identity, your worth, your value in something that is tangible.

So we just have to know one thing. Have you gotten inside the Mom Brain Makeover yet? If you haven't and you're a mom, what is going on? I don't know. I don't understand it. Go to Mom Brain Makeover. And I know it's crazy. Anyway, get inside the Mom Brain Makeover. It's an entire program to help you rewire that mom brain so you can. So. I know, I know. So you can get. They're going to do it. So you can get out of stress, you can get more done, and you can have a lot more energy. So make sure you go to Momprain makeover. I know. Mombrainmakeover.com get inside. Let's get back to the show.

To root your identity, your worth, your value in something that is tangible, and whether that's a title, whether that's a. A, you know, a corner office, whether that's a car, whatever that is for you personally, it's so much easier to attach that value to something that you can physically see or touch or feel. And that was exactly what I did. That's my story. I wrote a book called A Crown that Lasts. And honestly, the book is all about crowns that didn't last in my life. I was so Fortunate to be able to represent my home country as Miss South Africa at the Miss Universe pageant back in 2017. And, you know, that was something I worked really, really hard for. South Africa hadn't won a title holder in 39 years. And so I just knew, you know, winning this title, this pageant, would be a victory, not just for me personally, but for my whole home country, South Africa, and hopefully would be inspiring to every young boy or girl that, you know, ever had a dream. And I can't even tell you, I stopped speaking my native language, Afrikaans, for three months. I only read English books, you know, got speech lessons and all kinds of things. I told my family, you can only speak English to me because I knew, you know, I wanted to be as best prepared as I possibly could be to represent my home country and myself to the best of my ability. And so just a little. Little bit of a glimpse of how hard I work to be able to even go and compete. And then the night comes where, you know, the. The winner gets announced. And I was so honored to be able to be crowned Miss Universe 2017. And how did that feel? So surreal. I mean, Steve Harvey, you know, you're kind of center stage. You're holding each other's hands. It's like the final two. And Steve Harvey is about to call out the. The winner's name. And, you know, well, there's. You know, it's gonna go either way. And I will tell you, though, in that moment, just a little sidebar, I've. It's one of the moments in my life where I truly felt most content, because I knew that I had done everything in my personal capabilities and abilities to. To be there, to be the best representative, and that if that was something that was in God's plan for my life, then that would. Then that would work out. And if it wasn't, that would. That would have hurt. That would have not been fun. You know, nobody wakes up excited to lose. You put so much hard work into something. But I knew, regardless of the outcome, I genuinely had a piece about it. I knew that if this was not what God had for my life, that there was something even better. So that was just a little sidebar.

But, yeah, yeah, it's that place of having done all, to stand, like, all right, I did everything right, and I'm just going to, like, hold this space for whatever comes next.

Yeah.

And so then it happened.

Yeah. I mean, you know, the Bible tells us humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps. And, man, there's been many times in My life where I've had plans and God was like, well, I've got better plans and thank goodness my plans were ruined so that his, his plans could, you know, realize in my. But Hannah, to get back to the qu. I'm like, we're all around, we're, oh gosh, girl, we'll chat all day long.

I know.

Back to the point of identity. The night also came where I eventually had to give that crown back. You know, a year later. It's kind of like a one year job contract, you know, where that, that ends and you have to physically take that crown off of your head and give it to the very rightful next worthy winner. And that was a, a very specific moment in my life where I was like, wow, I walked off that stage and I didn't just give that crown back, but I gave back a big part of who I thought I was, who I thought was, you know, what I thought was my identity, what I thought was a part of my life's purpose calling even.

Did you even anticipate that or did it come as like, I didn't realize how much I made this my identity?

No, I, I didn't anticipate it because I didn't, I didn't have that realizing. No, it's such a good question. I, you know, you're so focused on, you know, just showing up the next day, being prepared for that next event, that next interview, that next thing that you're supposed to do, that next thing you're supposed to achieve, that I never took the time to take a step back and, and look at the full picture and, you know, really realize how, how this impacted who I had become essentially in that moment. And I also didn't realize what a big part of my identity I essentially lost right by giving back that crown until probably a year or two later. It took me a while to fully realize the impact of giving something so physical back, the impact that that had on my identity. And while, you know, that sent me into a whole long waiting period, that just felt like a wasted period. But I'll stop there for a second.

Yeah, no, that, that waiting period. So this is, I'm so glad that you said it felt like a wasted period because I think a lot of women especially go through that time when, when God is kind of working behind the scenes and we don't know what he's doing. Like, we don't have access to that. But to, to be able to see nothing is wasted. Like in the Bible says, all work has profit. So I always think if I'm in a season of life when it's not working the way I want it to work, then it must be working inside me to have me become the person who can. Who can walk into that. And so I think a lot of people, you know, when you struggle with your identity and you. And you're shifted from that, like, it was abrupt for you. You literally physically had to give that back.

Yeah.

And so that you didn't realize what it was happening. Like that physical thing, what was happening emotionally for you and spiritually for you. Like, now what do I do? Is this wasted? No, God's doing something else. So what was he doing in that waiting period?

And, Hannah, I know that, you know, not a lot of people can maybe relate to the wearing the. The crown like Miss Universe or even having participated in pageantry, but I think this is true for different things, whether you're a CEO of a company, whether you've been a mom, you know, the last 18 years, and that purpose of the last 18 years is driving themselves to school and packing their own lunchbox. You know, I'm not a mom just yet, but I can only imagine, you know, how much when you pour so much into something and all of a sudden it's gone. I can imagine that that could relate to different. Different scenarios, different seasons in life. And, you know, I don't want to be oblivious and think, oh, I' of those moments in my life. It will never happen again. But hopefully in the future, I'm going to learn from this and I'm going to. I'm going to know my trap a little bit ahead of time. You know, my job. Sorry, I got a hair stuck to my eyelash here. But in that. In that season, you know, I. It felt so wasted. It felt like time was just passing. It felt like it was a very lonely season. I moved back to New York City. I was going to pursue a career in modeling. But I knew that wasn't. I knew that wasn't my. My life's ultimate purpose. I just didn't know what it was. And so it felt like every day just came and went and just nothing could happen from it. And honestly, it was a dark season. It was a very lonely season. And I truly felt so buried in worry, in fear, in anticipation of where is my true worth and value, even rooted in? And not until probably a couple years later, I. I kind of realized, you know, what else feels buried that might not know is a seed that's just been planted. You know, that seed is in darkness. It's alone. It's cold, it can't see what, you know, what beautiful thing it could possibly be flourishing into very, very soon. And that was a season where I was a seed that was being planted. And you know, I think something that made that season a little bit easier was if I had a community of people that I could surround myself with to keep pointing me back to truth. Every single time I looked to fear, I looked to maybe regret, maybe, you know, sorrow of the things that I maybe could have done differently or should have done differently or should have been better prepared for this season, you know, I should have seen this coming, that should have, would have, could have questions. And it was, it was a lonely season. I moved to a whole new, new continents really. I had one friend and it was my roommate. And it was a very lonely season. But I will tell you something that really helped me in that season was on days that I felt just down and where it just felt like a hard day, I decided, and this sounds so cliche, but there was like a local like soup kitchen just down the street from me in New York City. And I would just go and surround myself with like minded people that just came to sound serve. And my goal with going was to just go and surround myself with other like minded people to serve people in need, you know, to give up my time. But I didn't realize how, what a beautiful impact that would have on me. Because you see, Hannah, what what truly happened was I didn't just go to pour into people. I was being poured into. My cup was being filled up. And for even just two hours out of that week, the pressure and the spotlight was taken off of me to have it all figured out. And it gave my mind space to just be able to think, to pray, to just as I'm, you know, packing food boxes, just to be able to pray to God to, to have a conversation with him, to understand, to just make sense of what's going on in life right now. So go and serve someone. I think that really helps take that pressure off of you, take that spotlight off of you, even just for an hour or two.

That's so powerful because ego always wants to spotlight and ego always likes to latch on to an identity that is apart from God. Yeah, you know, ego, ego likes to be God really. And when you talk about what that did for you, serving, I'm drawn to, I mean we all know the verse is better to give than to receive, but I really think that's so much more powerful. We know it's more blessed to give than to receive. We know we're more like Christ when we give right, but we don't understand how it changes us. Like when we step into that role of giving, it does, it takes a spotlight off of you and it, and it casts that spotlight on God because God first gave. Like the first thing he did was give right. And so when we are in that place of giving, I think that helps us draw into that presence of God. And in the presence of God, there's no lack, there's no confusion, there's no suffering, you know, there's, there's no idolatry really. And so when we draw into that presence and abide there, it takes the pressure off. And now, just like you said, it kind of opened up space for you, right? It wasn't like you were, you had to like make sure you were performing and doing everything all right and that you were upholding this identity that had been put on you. But now it's like when you make God your identity, you know, because we're like, we are supposed to be like him in this world as he is, so are we in this world. So when we make God our identity, this seems like everything falls into place. Is that kind of what happened for you as you were spending time serving?

Yeah. And I'll also say, Hannah, I feel like once I was able to truly understand who God created me to be. And listen, I'm still figuring it out all along the way. I do not have it all perfectly set out.

I think we're going to be figuring it out until we see Jesus face to face.

I agree. Because there's only one perfect person to have ever will planet and his name is Jesus. And in the meantime, I will continue to, it's, you know, figure it out. So I think somebody once said most things are figureoutable. So we'll keep doing that. But Hannah, what I realized was the reason that, that my identity was so rattled, was so shaken, you know, was because I allowed my life circumstances to dictate what my identity is. And our life circumstances are ever changing. They're not fixed, you know, they're not always trustworthy and they're given to change at any given point in time. Right. And like, like with me, that moment came a life circumstance changed and there goes my identity. But I had to realize, I had to go and sit and, and really understand. And that I think that's why it took such a long time for me is I did a lot of deep diving, a lot of studying, a lot of prayer and studying the Bible specifically And I had to realize, well, you know, what do I root my identity in that is always fixed, never changing and always trustworthy? Like, what could that possibly be? And Hannah, there's. There's no truthful answer that I could give you other than to say who God says I am, is. Who he says I am, is. Is always fixed, is always trustworthy, is never changing. He created me in my mother's womb. He knit me together. He. He set me apart. He created me as one of one. He created me a masterpiece. And he created me with a specific purpose and plan for my life. And that's the way that he created each and every one of us. And once, you know, I've read Psalm 139 so many times. I mean, it's like on every, like, nursery, you know, little booklet and painting and all the. You've read that verse so many times. Knit together in your mother's womb, fearfully and wonderfully made. But I never really believed it. I never really. It's one thing to know it, to memorize it, but it's another thing to believe that for your own life. And I think this was a season. Even though I was 24, 25 years old, you know where I really started believing that for my life? I really started believing that, yes, I do believe that God has a specific purpose for my life. And I think, Hannah, for such a long time, I thought that my purpose, my calling in life was supposed to be something so extravagant, so far fetched that I had to go and win a Miss Universe title to have value and to have worth. But you know, we are all made with talents and skills and things that make us unique, things that we get to use to. To glorify God, to add to his kingdom, to serve his kingdom. And essentially that's where. Where I found that purpose was in things that were actually always right. Right. Right in front of me. Yeah.

Isn't that how it always is? So it's always right there. We miss the obvious.

Right. And hindsight always feels perfect, right?

Yes, yes.

And.

And you're so right about the circumstances. Like I think about the, you know, the story that. The parable that Jesus shared, you know, about the man who built his house on sand. And then here's this man who built it, builds his house on a rock. And the. In the truth of it is, sometimes we don't see the rock that's right there. You know, God is like, I am right here. I am steadfast. I'll never forsake you. I'll never Abandon you. I'm always here. You can get as far away from me as you want. But guess what? I'm going to still be with you. And unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, when that sand is washed away and we realize that everything we built our life on, whether it's pageantry, whether it is money, whether it's family, whether it's. Whether it is my own strategy, my way of performing.

Yeah.

When that's. Sometimes we don't get to experience the steadfast, loving nature of God until that's washed away. And we do get to choose. I'm going to move into this house it's already built for me. I don't even have to build it right. It's already built on the rock. I can just move into this identity and. And when I do that, it doesn't matter what the circumstances do. Like circumstances, even the word circumstance. We're standing in a circle of things that are happening around us. And the Bible says to set our mind on things that are above and not beneath. So if we're always looking at the things around us, to support us or encourage us or affirm us, that's that. It may work one day, but you know this so well, it won't work the natural next. Yeah. And when we build our house on a rock, it's founded and it's firm and it's steadfast. And I love that story. I know so many people today who are listening or watching. We don't even realize some of the things we tell ourselves about ourselves. You know, when we're in that dark season like you were in, where we don't see things working out or we don't really know who we are, or we feel it's a waste, but if we can just turn our thoughts to God. What do you say about this? Who do you say I am? I think that's a game changer.

Yeah, that's right. That's so good.

Well, tell us about. Because you see this not just in women, but you see this in children. You want to get this into their heads as early as possible to fix their eyes on Jesus. The author, the finisher. So tell us a little bit about the book.

Yeah. So I wrote A Crown that Lasts, which was my first book that I authored. And, man, that was such a joyful experience. I loved, loved, love writing it. I ended up writing it, you know, myself, which I never even thought was possible. That was so fun. And I realized, well, you know, this message is maybe hard to grasp for younger. A younger audience, you know, how do you kind of. I was trying to explain, you know, what my book was about to our God daughter, who was like four at the time. And I was like, okay, I really, like, have to simplify this and, like, break this down and how do I do that? And, well, I thought, well, how awesome would it be to have a book that could be a guide, could be a conversation starter between moms and daughters, dads and sons, vice versa. Right? How awesome would that be? And that's where Princess Paris Finds Her Purpose was born. It is a children's book that's launching here soon and that we're. That I'm so excited about. It is based on my. My dog, Par, and we always call her Little Princess because even though she's the. The smallest of our three dogs, she is the probably the mightiest, and she runs this household for sure. Super smart little girl. And while Paris goes on a super fun adventure to South Africa, my home country, and she interacts with various animals, she is a princess. So she is there on behalf of the king, like, essentially we all are. Right? Right. And while she's there to represent the king, but her crown gets stolen, and she feels that the thing that made her a princess has now been taken away from her. And while I obviously relate to that quite physically, but, you know, her crown gets stolen, I don't want to give away the whole story, but at the end of the day, you know, the king in Paris meets and he has an important question to ask her. And she is so nervous because she is worried that she has failed. She is worried that she didn't live up to his standard. She is worried that she, you know, didn't live out her purpose and that, you know, worried that the thing that made her a princess is now gone. You know, as image bearers of God, what that really translates to is that we are made as his royalty in his royal image. And that's really what this book is about with Princess Paris is about. It's a conversation starter between parents and kids. That's really my hope and my goal and my dream so that, you know, from a young age, children can start thinking about that purpose, start thinking about where. Where is their value truly rooted in? I love the ending of the book. I'm not going to give it away. Just Paris finds her purpose. She sure does. And it's better than she ever could have imagined, and it is perfect for her. So that's a little bit about Princess Paris finds her purpose.

I love it. I absolutely love it. Okay, so we're going to link to that. So make sure you check out the show notes, link to that, and we'll definitely be linking back to you and all of the wonderful things that you're doing. Thank you so much for this time. And. And it's true, for those people who are struggling, you feel like this is a waiting period. You feel like you're. Like you've lost your identity. You feel like you've lost your purpose. God is there. He has not abandoned you. He never will. And when we yield to that, when we abide with him, your life is going to be blessed like crazy.